Work Text:
We fade in on the Pataki house on a sunny morning. An alarm clock is ringing faintly. Inside her room, Helga wakes up, turns off the clock, and a contented smile blooms across her face as she springs out of bed.
Helga: (in soliloquy)
Ah, another beauteous morn! And though the sun beams down on me, I would not despair even if the darkest clouds filled the sky forever, for I have the light of my life greeting me each and every day!
She pulls an oval, golden locket from under her pillow. Inside is a photo of herself and Arnold, arm in arm in a photo booth, looking at each other lovingly.
Helga: ( sighs with delight )
Oh, Arnold...your affection and kindness has brought an ocean of color to my black and white life! And yet even if I were a painter, all the colors of the rainbow could not begin to express the way you make me feel! (swoons)
Cut to Helga, in a state of dazed elation, sauntering into the family dining room, carefully hiding the locket in her usual place on her person. Bob, Miriam, and Olga are already seated with breakfast, watching the morning news.
Olga:
Top of the morning, baby sister! Would you like to try some of my homemade quiche lorraine?
Helga: (snapping out of her reverie, in a casual tone)
Nah, but I’ll have some of this egg pie you got here.
Helga scoops up some quiche and takes a seat to face the TV.
Newscaster on TV:
Now, we turn to the city’s Modern Art Museum, where an intriguing new exhibit opens this Friday...
Olga: (talking over the newscast)
Ooh, Mommy! Daddy! Look! This is what I was telling you about!
Newscaster on TV:
...displaying over 100 pieces of “outsider art,” paintings and sculptures from people who you probably wouldn’t find in an art gallery, but have a unique perspective to share with the world.
Bob:
What? What am I looking at? Looks like a bunch of garbage to me.
We see a sampling of artwork on the TV: a humanoid figure constructed out of propane tanks and rebar, a Warhol-esque pop art portrait of Oskar, and finally a familiar statue made out of chewed gum, constructed in the likeness of Arnold.
Olga:
There! I submitted that to the museum!
Reverse zoom on Helga, eyes widened in a look of absolute horror at the TV. She lets out a piercing scream, but simultaneously it is drowned out by a shrill whistle.
Miriam:
Oh! My tea kettle is ready. Go on, Olga.
Olga:
Well, last week, I was doing some charity work, cleaning up litter down by the river, ( Flash back to Olga wading in the river with a group of peers, picking up garbage) when this most peculiar objet d’art caught my little eye! (She spots the head protruding out of the mud, and carefully unearths it) It appeared to be a human likeness, sculpted entirely out of chewing gum! And while I must say that on one level I was revolted, I was also struck by its primitivism and unique use of recycled media. (Cut back to present) It must have been made by one of those free spirited sorts who roam the streets of our fair city, and I knew that the Modern Art Museum was looking for something just like this, so I submitted it for the exhibit under “Unknown Artist” and hoped for the best!
Miriam:
Wow, our little girl is out there, scouting art! Great find, Olga!
Bob:
Atta girl! (To Helga) Hey you, what do you think of that?
Helga: (snaps out of shock, puts on air of cool detachment)
I mean, that’s cool, I guess, if you like things made by crusty weirdos who live down by the river.
Bob:
Oh, come on, show a little respect for what your sister dug out of the garbage!
Helga: (getting nervous)
Well, one girl’s treasure is another one’s trash, that’s what they say! Haha, I gotta get to school...
Helga bolts out of the house and walks down the street in a state of mild panic.
Helga: (to herself)
Crap, crap, crap! I thought I got rid of every bit of that creepy old shrine! So much for our city’s celebrated sanitation service. OK, damage control, old girl. So, my shameful secret effigy to my beloved is going to be on display to all the world. It doesn’t have my name on it! But if Arnold sees it, he will know, and he’ll think I’m a complete freak and dump me on the spot! (She smirks) Eh, but who am I kidding, none of the philistines at P.S. One-Lame-Teen will ever go inside the Modern Art Museum.
Smash cut to Helga seated in Mr. Simmons’ sixth grade classroom that same morning.
Mr. Simmons:
Alrighty, class! I am handing out permission slips for our field trip Friday to the Modern Art Museum. We’ll be spending the day there to get acquainted with some fine culture. They even have a new exhibit on outsider art!
Helga stares blankly ahead in defeat, eyes going bloodshot. Meanwhile, the whole class is abuzz, talking about the field trip .
Eugene:
I hope they have Warhol there, or Roy Liechtenstein!
Stinky:
I hope they have some of that there “dey-coup-age”.
Harold:
I’m going to go to the gift shop and buy a plastic dinosaur!
Rhonda: ( disdainfully)
It’s not *that* kind of museum, you uncultured dimwit. It’s a place for society to showcase the beauty of visual arts.
Curly:
I hear that there’s a painting that a guy made using his own blood!
Rhonda covers her ears and hums loudly to drown out Curly.
Phoebe: (to Helga)
How enticing! Helga, will you join me in critiquing their collection of Basquiat, or...( quietly ) are you going to spend time with...? ( Nods at Arnold, who is talking with Gerald)
Helga: (snaps to attention)
Huh? Oh, well, you know me, I can’t be held captive by any one exhibit. That is, if the old man and lady are OK with me being cultured on something that’s not daytime soap operas.
Phoebe:
Well, I’m sure Gerald would love to join me. An art museum is a great place for a date! Each and every work is a statement of passion from the artist. It’s so romantic!
Helga flashes back to seeing her gum statue on TV.
Helga: (distractedly)
Yeah, real romantic...
At the end of the school day, we see Arnold waiting patiently outside the school while all the other children walk by. Shortly after the rush, Helga pokes her head out the school entrance, checking if the coast is clear, spots Arnold, and rushes over to join him in a brief hug. They hold hands and start walking home.
Arnold:
Hey, are you excited for the field trip Friday? I’ve never been to a modern art museum before, and I can’t wait to see that new exhibit on outsider art. You want to pair up and stand in line for a look at it?
Helga: (shiftily)
Oh, you mean the, uh, weird sculptures made of garbage and, like, used gum? I’d love to go with you, but we’re trying not to draw too much attention to...us, remember?
Arnold: (face falls slightly)
Mm, I guess so. (He smiles slyly) But, it’s a big museum, and I don’t think anyone else in our class is going to be at that exhibit. Besides, we can just keep it really casual. I think it would be a fun thing to do together.
A single bead of sweat forms on Helga’s forehead.
Helga:
Well, don’t get your hopes up too much, dude. In fact, I wouldn’t even look up any pictures of what they got on display. More fun to be totally surprised, for better or worse, right?! (She grins in desperation)
Arnold: (blinks awkwardly)
Yeah...sure, let’s avoid any spoilers. ( They arrive at Arnold’s front stoop ) Well, see you tomorrow.
He gives her a brief peck on the cheek and a reassuring smile, then walks through his front door; the usual stream of animals pours out. When he’s out of sight, Helga ducks into the alleyway with a look of anguish.
Helga: ( to herself in soliloquy, swooning)
O, cruel Fortuna! The die has been cast - my life, just hours ago a mighty oak tree of perfection and beauty, now torn asunder and chained to the cruel sawmill of life, headed for destruction! (pulls out locket) Just as quickly as two become one, the baneful seeds of obsession that I foolishly planted in youth have come to fruition. If Arnold’s precious, innocent green eyes catch sight of that macabre idol I created, we shall be split in twain forevermore!
Heavy breathing interrupts her monologue; Brainy stands expectantly behind her.
Helga: (irritated, does not turn to make eye contact)
If you understood a single word of what I just said, I’ll split you in twain, capisce?
Brainy, scared, clams up and freezes; Helga fumes away.
Late at night, Helga tosses and turns, having a nightmare of her secret revealed. In it, the entire class is staring in awe at the Arnold statue that Olga is exhibiting.
Mr. Simmons:
Now, class, this is a statue made entirely out of gum! (The class grimaces; he turns to Olga) Could you explain what this art is about, Ms. Pataki?
Olga:
Absolutely! Though we do not know the creator of this mystifying sculpture, it was clearly made by a crazed individual, singularly obsessed with the likeness of what appears to be a young boy.
Gerald: (pointing)
Hey Arnold, that creepy head looks just like you!
Arnold: (appalled)
What twisted mind would make something like this? I could never forgive someone who would obsess over me like that!
Olga:
We’ll never know - the artist’s identity will forever remain a mystery- (pauses and squints at the sculpture) Hey, I didn’t see this before! (She peels a pink ribbon off the back of its head) This looks just like the bow you’re wearing, baby sister! In fact, your name is embroidered on it! (insert shot on it; Olga looks horrified) Did...did *you* create this?
Helga covers her head with her hands, shrinking down, cowering in shame.
Harold: (pointing at Helga)
Helga’s crazy for Arnold!
The children begin chanting this and pointing, some making kissy faces. Helga turns to try and explain to Arnold, who stands aghast.
Arnold:
Helga, why? I thought you respected me. This is disgusting! Never speak to me again!
The lights get darker and the chanting and laughter grows louder...
Helga screams and bolts upright in bed.
Helga:
That does it! I’m taking fate into my own hands. I brought that monster into this world, and I’m the one who’s gonna take it out!
The next day, Mr. Simmons’ class arrives outside the Modern Art Museum downtown. It is a very modern looking building a la the Guggenheim museum. There is a giant sculpture of a banana peel in the front.
Mr. Simmons:
Alright, class, you are free to roam the museum together or by yourselves, just make sure to regroup underneath the banana peel at 4:00 sharp!
Several kids stop to stare at the giant peel.
Stinky:
What do you reckon this is s’posed to mean?
Sid:
I think it may be symbolic of the impact that mankind has had upon Earth, representing the amalgamation of all of our refuse. Or perhaps it’s the artist’s statement on the grand absurdity of life, that no matter how giant the mighty may be, they, too, can fall victim to casual pratfalls.
Harold:
Or maybe the artist was just hungry.
Stinky:
Truly, an enigma for our time.
Cut to inside the lobby of the museum. Arnold, Gerald, and Phoebe walk toward the exhibits, while Helga lags behind.
Phoebe:
Come on, Helga! We’re going to check out the cubism wing first.
Helga:
You guys go on ahead, I gotta use it. (She ducks into the bathroom carrying her backpack; she emerges moments later wearing a beret, smock, fake mustache and rounded sunglasses, wielding a paint pallet) Now that I’m in my artist disguise, there’s nowhere they won’t let me go!
She marches with purpose down the hall, pushing aside museumgoers, affecting a posh man’s British accent.
Helga:
Get thee hence! Visionary artist, coming through!
She approaches a museum security guard.
Helga:
Good day, good man! Might you direct me to the, er, “rubbish art” exhibit?
Security guard: (l ooks down with suspicion)
Yeah, it’s on the seventh floor...and who might you be?
Helga: (indignant)
You don’t know me?! The auspicious painter Art, er... ( glances at drinking fountain) ...Arthur Fountain?
Security guard:
....Okay then, Mr. Fountain, my apologies.
Helga:
Indeed! (conspiratorially) And just to let you know, there’s a child standing by that Pollock who looks a little queasy.
The guard immediately makes a beeline away; while he brushes by, Helga snatches his walkie talkie. She ducks behind a corner and affects a nasally voice into the speaker.
Helga:
Attention, please, would one Olga Pataki please report to the front desk? Your car has been towed to make room for Damien Hirst’s shark sculpture. (She tosses aside the walkie talkie) That’ll throw her off the trail for a while.
Helga makes her way through the art museum; we see a montage of what the other kids are up to as she walks by incognito. Stinky admires “American Gothic.” Rhonda and Nadine argue over what color the dress is in a painting (blue and black vs white and gold). We see Harold transfixed by an unseen object.
Harold: (to himself)
Oh, what a stunning masterpiece! I have never been so moved in my whole life!
Cut to reveal he is marveling at a candy machine. Helga rolls her eyes. Soon, she walks by Arnold, Gerald, and Phoebe - the latter two are having fun admiring the paintings, but Arnold sits alone on a bench, sighing and looking at his own copy of the photo of himself and Helga. He glances up and sees her in disguise. Helga, despite being saddened by the sight of Arnold being forlorn, hides her face with her pallet and presses on.
Helga arrives at the entrance to the outsider art exhibit, where many people eagerly wait in line in front of the velvet rope.
Helga: (throwing her voice)
Look! It’s Banksy!
The queue of people is thrown into consternation as they all walk away from the line; amidst the hubbub she sneaks under the rope into the exhibit. Inside, Helga makes her way past many of the pieces seen earlier, and then finds the gum statue on display. It is putrid, with a sickly glistening sheen, stained with river mud and beginning to draw flies. She removes her disguise as she approaches the hideous head.
Helga:
Alright, you foul relic, you cruel grotesquerie of my one true love, time to meet your maker! ( pulls a metal baseball bat out of her bag)
Arnold, offscreen:
Helga?
Arnold approaches from behind, looking concerned. Helga freezes mid-swing.
Helga: (chagrined)
Oh, heeeyyy, dude! Fancy seeing you here!
Arnold: (concerned)
Helga, what’s all this about? You bailed on me and the others, I’ve been a third wheel all day, and now I find you breaking into the exhibit before it’s open, wielding a bat. Are you okay?
Helga: (lowering her guard, and her baseball bat)
Arnold, I swore to myself once we started to get to know each other better that I would always be true and honest. I want us to work, and, heck, you’re the most honest person I’ve ever met, so I figured I had to follow your lead. But I’ve been a bad person in the past, you know that. My emotions would often get...out of hand. And there were things about me I never wanted you, or anyone, to see, so I buried them. Too bad the past will always come back to haunt me.
She looks downcast, as Arnold spots the head behind her. He approaches it with trepidation.
Arnold:
What is this? Is that...me?
Helga: ( turned away, at the verge of tears )
Yep, that’s you. I made that when I was young and stupid and just obsessed with you.
Arnold: (still inspecting the statue)
Is this chewing gum?
Helga:
It’s stalking, is what it is. I thought it was so romantic to build a shrine to you for how much I adored you, but as time has gone by and I’ve gotten to know you as a person, and not just an idea, I’ve realized that obsession of that level is unhealthy. (sob) If you’re disgusted, just tell me. I’ll go if you want.
A moment’s silence.
Arnold:
...Apart from not having a hat, this is pretty much a spitting image.
Helga: (peers up)
Wha?
Helga turns around and sees that Arnold has placed his hat atop the gum head and is admiring it like the other artworks.
Arnold:
Incredible attention to detail! And while I do admit that gum is...maybe not an ideal medium, you clearly have some talent at this.
Helga:
You...you like it?
Arnold: (starting to break into laughter)
Helga, I... Well, “like” is a strong word. I admire your craft and dedication - it shows passion, and that’s what I like about you. I am definitely a little creeped out that you went to all that trouble to build an idol of me - and I do *not* want to know where you got all that gum-
Helga:
Yeah, you really don’t.
Arnold:
But I know that you did that because you didn’t understand the reality of relationships and how obsession is not the same as truly loving someone for who they are. Over the last few months that I’ve gotten to know you better, I know that you really want to know me for me, and I want to do the same for you. I think you understand why making that statue was creepy, and if you recognize that, I am willing to move past it.
He looks with fondness and forgiveness into her teary eyes, and takes her hand.
Helga:
Heh, I spent so much time sculpting your big football head, but what I really meant to capture was your big heart.
The two embrace.
Arnold:
So, was I interrupting you with something?
Several minutes later, the crowd of museumgoers returns to the outsider art exhibit. Olga squeezes her way to the front, fuming.
Olga:
Ugh, those stupid security guards don’t even know what my car looks like! ( dreamily) And here I thought I was going to meet Damien Hirst- ( catches sight of the empty pedestal where the gum statue was) What?! It’s gone! My putrescent portraiture! (turns to the security guard) It was stolen! Please, can’t you check the surveillance footage to see who stole it?
Security guard:
Actually, ma’am, we didn’t install security cameras for this exhibit. (conspiratorially) I mean, who’s going to steal any of this junk? It’s a bunch of weirdo garbage!
Cut to the exterior of the museum, we hear Olga’s scream of frustration. Mr. Simmons’ class has reunited under the banana peel.
Mr Simmons:
All present and accounted for, except for Helga and Arnold. It’s 3:59, I hope they’re not lollygagging... (To himself) For my job’s sake.
Helga and Arnold race to meet the group just in time. Helga’s backpack is stuffed full.
Helga:
Sorry, Mr. S, we were so engaged in a lively discussion about abstract expressionism that we lost track of time! (hurriedly) Alright, let’s get on the bus and go!
The two children dart past Simmons onto the bus.
Mr Simmons: (ineffectually, to no one)
Why’s your backpack so full?
Cut to the vacant lot that evening, where Helga dumps the head out onto the grass as the sun begins to set. We see Helga and Arnold standing above it, each wielding a metal baseball bat, with wild looks in their eyes.
Helga:
You ready to start fresh, dude?
Arnold:
Ladies first.
Helga swings her bat at the dried gum statue and it cracks in half. Arnold takes the next swing. We zoom out as the children laugh and take turns smashing the statue to pieces.
Helga:
You call that a swing? You’d strike out playing tee ball, hair boy.
Arnold:
Oh, you think so? Go ahead and make another sculpture and we’ll see who’s got the better swing...