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Danny was watching Steve out the small window above the kitchen sink.
Steve had gotten a phone call a few minutes prior, and after glancing at the number on the screen he quickly moved outside to the lanai before answering the call. Danny, the cunning detective that he is, knew whatever is was the person on the other end of the line wanted, it wasn’t good. He had watched as Steve paced the back deck a few times before sitting down in one of the many chairs scattered around the porch from their last team barbeque, scrubbing a hand down his face as he hung up the call and tossed his phone onto the table beside him.
As he was putting the last dish in the dishwasher, still silently watching his new husband stare absently out at the ocean, he heard the familiar patter of six-year old feet run down the stairs and skid into the kitchen.
“Danno, we’re ready for the movie,” said Grace, holding up the big pink blanket in her arms and pointing towards the unopened bag of popcorn Avery was holding in her hand.
Danny turned towards the two girls, trying to keep the worry from his face, “Alright, why don’t you guys go pick out a movie and I’ll pop the popcorn.”
Grace nodded and began to turn towards the living room when Avery stopped her, “Where’s Dad?”
“Oh, he’s just outside. He’ll be in soon,” Danny replied, hoping his voice stayed even.
“What is he doing outside, it’s night time?”
“He just needed to talk to someone on the phone and wanted to make sure it would be quiet.”
“But it’s not that quiet outside. The ocean is really loud.”
Danny really couldn’t argue with that observation. He was quickly running out of innocent excuses for the statue of a man stationed on their back porch, not having moved a muscle in the past ten minutes, “But it’s sure quieter than you two loud mouths, now go pick a movie before I choose ‘Miracle’ for the fourth straight time.”
Both girls groaned, their attention quickly diverted by the possibility of suffering through the long hockey movie, again. Danny grinned, patting himself on the back for his quick thinking and clearly above par parenting abilities, as Avery and Grace rushed towards the living room to prevent any further movie torture.
With the girls adequately preoccupied, Danny popped the popcorn in the microwave, turned it on, and walked outside to his silent SEAL.
“Spill,” Danny opened, sitting in the seat next to Steve’s, “And don’t bother pretending nothing’s wrong. I’ve been watching you outside the window for the past fifteen minutes and you haven’t moved an inch since you sat down.”
“That was the base.”
“And by base you mean Pearl?”
Steve nodded.
“What did the base want?”
“The base wanted nothing; Admiral Jensen wanted to inform me of my new status in the Navy.”
“And what is your new status in the Navy?”
“Active.”
And that was all he needed to say, no more words were necessary.
Active duty.
It was a day that was always a possibility but a day Danny never thought would actually get here, especially so soon after their wedding.
“When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow.”
“What! Tomorrow, we don’t get any warning, no opportunity to say goodbye, get ready, get the girls prepared, explain to them what this means. What the fuck? Who the hell does the stupid fucking Navy think they are, huh? They think they can just tear our family apart, no warning, and no lead time?”
“It’s what I signed up for, Danno. I’m not a normal soldier, I’m a SEAL. We’re lucky I’m not expected to report on base in an hour.”
“Come again?”
“It was very common back when I was active that we would get a call telling us to report in an hour, sometimes less. I always had a bag packed; it’s how it worked in the Special Forces.”
“It sucks.”
“Yeah it does.”
“So why are you sitting out here and not in with us, or at least with me figuring out what we’re going to say. The girls are going to be shocked.”
“Avery’s going to be devastated.” Danny saw the pain in Steve’s eyes, the long-felt pain of letting a child down, all the fears and worries Steve had when he first took full custody of Avery almost two years ago were coming back.
“We’re going to get through this, Super SEAL.”
“She’s never going to trust me again.”
“She will.”
“No, she won’t. She’s not going to understand; she’s six. All she’s going to understand is that Dad came home said he wasn’t going to leave, and after almost two years he’s decided he can’t handle her and wants to leave again. I can’t Danno, I can’t let her think I want to leave her.”
“Babe, Avery’s been a Navy girl since she was born. She’s young, yes, but she’s had to grow up fast. She understands your job in her own six-year old way. She’s going to be sad, upset, and scared, any child whose parent was leaving for war would be. But, you’re forgetting one big thing.”
“What’s that?”
“You aren’t alone anymore. I’m still here and I will still be here for Avery. We will still be a family, she’ll stay in the same house, and we’ll keep the same routine. She’s not getting her life uprooted; no one’s shipping her across the country. She’s still going to have a family; Grace and I will be here.”
“What about Gracie? She’s never had to deal with this before.”
“Grace is a big girl, just as strong as Avery. She’s grown up with a cop for a father and she gets it, gets risk. We just need to explain, answer any questions, and be there for both of them.”
“I love those two girls, Danno, more than anything.”
“I know that, sailor, and so do they.”
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can and I will be right beside you.” Danny wasn’t quite sure why he was encouraging Steve to tell the girls, pack for his deployment and leave. It seemed so odd for him to be the one coaxing Steve towards the dangerous and clandestine world of the SEALs and not trying to reel Steve in from the wild and crazy ledge.
But that’s what it meant to be in a relationship, a partnership.
For better or worse they were in this together.
*H50*
The popcorn had long since finished popping as Steve and Danny made their way back into the house, reluctant to ruin their family evening with the news of Steve’s imminent departure.
“You should make another bag,” Steve instructed, “Nothing is worse than cold popcorn.”
“I beg to differ. There are a lot of things worse than cold popcorn, pineapple on pizza for example.”
“I walked right into that one.”
“Yes you did,” Danny smiled over his shoulder as he punched the buttons on the microwave to cook up the second bag.
“What do we say?”
“The truth, babe. I’ve learned over the years that the truth is always preferable to a lie, regardless of whether or not the lie would make everyone feel better.”
Silence erupted between the two of them, as they both stared, unfocused, at the rotating bag in the microwave. The shrill of the beep signaling the popcorn being finished caused both men to jump.
“Extra butter please,” Avery said as her head poked around the doorway to the kitchen, “And why are you guys taking so long? We’ve watched the opening credits at least five times.”
“Extra butter it is,” Steve started, trying to strain a smile in his daughter’s direction, “We will be there in two seconds, tops.”
Danny melted some extra butter and poured it over the popcorn as he watched Steve stare at the six year old’s retreating back. He moved behind him, not saying anything or getting close enough to touch. But Danny knew Steve realized he was there, that Steve was that dialed in to Danny’s presence he could sense him just by feeling.
Danny knew that Steve was replaying every goodbye over in his head trying to determine which way was the easiest, which way caused the least amount of hurt and sadness. But Danny knew from the stories Steve told, from the distant, pained look he got in his eyes every time he talked about saying goodbye that there wasn’t a single goodbye that didn’t end in tears.
“Together?” Danny asked as he placed a comforting hand on Steve’s shoulder.
Steve turned slightly, just enough to see Danny out of the corner of his eye, he nodded in agreement, “Together.”
They walked into the living room, side by side, to see the two girls curled up under the pink blanket Grace kept on her bed, laughing at a joke the guys didn’t understand.
Grace heard them first, her head whipping in their direction as she reached for the popcorn in Danny’s hands, “Finally, I’m starving!”
“We had dinner an hour and a half ago, young lady, there is no possible way you can already be starving,” Danny said as he placed the popcorn on the coffee table, taking a seat next to it. Steve joined him, both men sitting across from the two girls on the couch.
“Something’s wrong,” Avery observed.
Danny smiled at the gift she had for reading a situation so accurately, no words needing to be said for her to gauge a situation just by the feelings hanging around in the room.
“Danno,” Grace asked quietly, her voice wavering as her eyes darted back and forth between her father and Steve.
Steve cleared his throat and Danny gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he motioned for him to start.
“Girls, I want you both to know that I love you more than anything, and no matter what that will never change. Do you understand?”
Both girls nodded, silently.
“Good. And I also want you to know that even if I’m not here, I’m always thinking about you, and that Danno will always be here for you.”
Again, both girls nodded in silence.
“You both know what my job is right?”
“You’re Five-0,” said Grace.
“That’s right, Gracie, but what’s my other job?”
Grace looked confused, her six year old mind not able to understand that Steve had two jobs since she had never known him during his active duty.
“You’re a SEAL,” Avery said quietly, her eyes already filling with tears.
Danny watched Steve reach out his hand to hold hers, but she pulled away, knowing what was coming before they said it.
“That’s right, and being a SEAL means that sometimes I have to leave to protect the ones I love.”
“Leave for where,” Grace asked.
“Another country, Grace Face. I can’t say where because it’s a special secret that I can’t tell anyone.”
“Danno says secrets are bad.”
Danny decided to help save his floundering husband, “Some secrets are bad, but other secrets need to be kept in order to protect the people we love. Steve needs to keep his location a secret so that the bad guys don’t know where he is.”
“But I wouldn’t tell any bad guys where Uncle Steve is.”
Steve laughed, “I’m glad, sweetie, but the Navy thinks it’s better to make sure that no one knows where I am, just to be safe.”
“So are you leaving for the secret place?”
“Yes, Grace, I am.”
“No!” Avery shouted, standing quickly, the blanket pooling at her feet, “You can’t leave again. I hate the stupid Navy.”
Avery began hitting Steve in the arms, tears streaming down her red face. Danny watched Steve wrap his arms around her as she dissolved into uncontrollable sobs.
Danny felt a tug on his sleeve as he looked down at his small daughter, tears glisten her eyes, “Danno, is Uncle Steve going to war like Kathryn’s dad?”
“Sort of. Uncle Steve is going to fight bad guys in a different country, but Uncle Steve is a special kind of sailor who has to leave very quickly and usually can’t talk to his family very much while he’s gone.”
“But I don’t want him to go,” she sniffled.
Danny wrapped his arms around the small girl, “I know you don’t, Monkey. I don’t want him to go either.”
And Danny wasn’t sure how long they sat there, each man holding tight to their small children, but the sun had completely set behind the ocean before both girls had cried themselves to sleep in their fathers’ arms.
*H50*
Danny woke the next morning with a killer headache and the tell-tale fogginess that signaled a bad night’s sleep. He rolled over to find the other side of the bed cold and empty.
“Steve,” he called out, running a hand through his bed-head hair as he sat up, surveying the bedroom. A few things Danny knew hadn’t been there yesterday had already made their way into the room. A green duffel that had ‘McGarrett, S’ written in permanent marker was packed by the door. A pair of blue fatigues was hanging over a chair, the black combat boots sitting on the floor. As Danny threw the covers off of him and made his way towards the bedroom door, confident that Steve was not in the room, a flash of silver caught his eye.
On the dresser Steve had placed his dog tags. Danny picked them up, running his fingers over the raised letters. He had only seen the tags a handful of times since he’d met Steve. He knew where they were kept, stored away with all of the other remnants of a life Steve no longer lived. The metal was cool against his skin. Danny took a closer look, realizing that the tags didn’t have any identifiable information on them, just a number. No information about next of kin or blood type, not even Steve’s name or rank.
Danny was not an expert on military protocol, but he was sure dog tags had the soldiers name on them. They were for identification purposes after all.
Sighing, Danny made his way towards the door, and a peek down the hallway solved the mystery of the missing husband. He pushed opened the door quietly, and leaned against the doorjamb watching Steve sit in the pink beanbag chair Avery had begged to have, watching the rise and fall of her chest.
“She didn’t say a word to me last night when I tucked her in,” Steve said breaking the silence.
“She’s upset, but she still loves you just the same.”
“I wish it was easier for her to understand.”
“She’s six; you have to give her a break. But I promise this time will be different.”
“How so?”
“This time she has family to take care of her while you’re gone.”
Steve smiled up at him, standing up and walking over to grasp his hand when he noticed the small metal necklace clenched in his fist.
Danny hadn’t even noticed he’d taken the tags with him, the fogginess of lack of sleep muddling his brain.
“What are you doing with my tags?”
Danny shrugged, “I was just looking at them. I didn’t realize I didn’t put them back. Why do they only have a number on them?”
“So that if I get captured there is no way for an enemy to identify me.”
“Oh.”
Images of Steve in an abandoned warehouse or underground bunker, tied up with barbed wire and metal chains flashed into Danny’s mind. Danny choked on air, unable to pull in a breath, the images too much for his mind to handle.
“Hey, Danno,” Steve’s voice whispered into the silence of the bedroom grounding Danny, bringing him back from the brink of a breakdown.
“Danno, I’m here. Right now I’m here, with you, with our family.”
Danny grabbed at Steve’s shirt, pulling him close, smelling his aftershave, feeling the hard cords of muscle shift and flex underneath the tee shirt.
“I’m going to come home, Danno.”
“You can’t promise that and you can’t know that.”
“No, but I do know that I have everything to lose if I don’t come home which gives me all the will in the world to fight and make it back.”
“I don’t think I can live without you, Steve.”
“I’m always here,” and Steve’s hand wound its way up Danny’s chest and rested on his heart.
“You are such a cliché, McGarrett,” Danny quipped, trying to break the tension that had filled the room.
“Maybe, but I’m never too far, Danno. I am with you, always.”
“Forever and always.”
“Forever and always, Danno.”
And that was how they spent their last minutes together, wrapped in each other’s arms, standing in the doorway of their daughter’s bedroom, her quiet breathing a gentle hum in the background. Soon Steve would break the hug, change into his fatigues, put the unidentifiable tags around his neck, and pick up his duffel.
He would kiss Avery on the forehead, tell her he loved her, and keep the picture of her smiling face in a sailor hat, building sandcastles on their beach in his mind as he fought in the underbelly of the world.
He would move towards Grace’s room, push the fly-away hair out of her face, and kiss her cheek, telling her how much he loves her. He would remember her smile as she first rode her pink bike, promising that in less than a year she would be riding without training wheels.
He hoped she achieved that soon.
And then he would kiss Danny, strong and confident, on the lips. It would be silent, both men would have their eyes closed as they remembered all the kisses they had shared, the kisses life had allowed them to share. They would hold onto those memories, remind themselves that even if something happened, they were lucky enough to have had these two years together. They had a beautiful family and a life that they loved.
No matter what happened, they were in this together, Steve deployed and Danny on the home front.
“Danno loves you,” he would whisper as he watched the truck back out of the driveway, Steve waving one last time before disappearing down the road.