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Buck is at the hospital but he only remembers flashes of how he got there.
Ever since the shot and Eddie falling, he can’t stay focused on his surroundings. He feels like he’s watching himself move through the world instead of living in it.
He remembers the road being hard under his chest, that Captain Mehta kept pushing his head to the ground.
There was a pebble under his fingers as he dragged his arm in front of him while staring at Eddie. He was told about the chaos and that there were additional shots, but he doesn’t remember them. There was no sound but white noise and the pounding of his heart.
He knows how Eddie’s blood tastes, something he can’t comprehend.
He knows that Eddie’s skin was so pale. He remembers Eddie being clammy and unresponsive when he was finally able to reach his hand.
Buck gets flashes: scrambling beneath the fire truck to pull Eddie under and through. Bodily lifting him up into the arms of someone else. Tearing open Eddie’s shirt to get to the wound, shoving bandages against it to keep whatever blood he could inside Eddie. The ambulance doors opening and people pulling the stretcher and Eddie being taken from him.
Buck knows he tried to follow it, but was held back - by who he doesn’t know. Next he’s in a washroom scrubbing his hands which continue to look red. His fingers still feel tacky with Eddie’s blood. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, sees the streaks of blood all over his face - Eddie’s blood - and throws up in the sink. He doesn’t watch the water wash it away.
After a moment catches water with his hands and scrubs at his face until he can’t tell the difference between water and tears. Now that he’s started he can’t stop them from falling. A quick look in the mirror and Buck sees his face is clean. If he blinks he still sees the blood, but he knows it’s not there.
Somewhere along the way he was given a t-shirt; he removes the dress shirt covered in Eddie’s blood and throws it in the trash. He swallows hard as he sees the amount of blood dried on the shirt. He pulls on the t-shirt and finally feels less like he’s about to fall apart.
Entering the waiting room he doesn’t meet anyone’s eyes, he can’t or really will fall apart, but he knows they’re here. He stands apart from them but moves toward Carla, making him feel closer to Eddie. For over a week Buck had listened to Eddie talk about Carla’s return and he wanted the dinner to be special. Buck knew that missing Carla was like missing a part of the family and seeing her here reminded Buck that all of Eddie’s family was here.
Bobby says something about a task force and Buck steps forward and states, “I’m in.” He will do anything to bring Eddie’s shooter to justice and pay for what he’s done. Anything.
He feels a hand squeeze his arm, looks down and sees it’s Carla.
“Buck, I need to speak with you,” Carla says gently.
He cocks his head slightly in confusion. “Sure,” he says and allows her to pull him further away from the group to a couple of empty chairs.
“You ok?” she asks, always so caring.
He shakes his head, no point in lying. “No, I’m not. Barely holding it together.” He laces his fingers together and squeezes, willing the tears not to fall. He sees Carla’s expression and it’s full of concern and worry. Buck doesn’t want her to worry about him. Eddie should be the priority. Buck takes a deep breath. “I’ll be fine,” he insists and tries to smile but assumes it looks more like a grimace.
Carla puts a hand on top of his. “I can’t imagine how you feel, seeing…” She stops and shakes her head. “I know that you want to avenge Eddie, be part of the team that works the case. But you can’t. You’re needed someplace else.”
She hands him a letter and Buck can see his name - in Eddie’s handwriting. He looks up at her in surprise and shakes his head a little, fearing what’s inside.
“Eddie left this for you in case anything happened to him. He told me there’s a copy at the house, with his paperwork and this one, which was my copy.”
“Carla,” he says helplessly and raises a hand to wipe his eyes.
“I know, Buckaroo.” She sits back and waits as Buck opens the envelope and unfolds the paper. Leave it to Eddie to handwrite the letter and then make copies.
*
Dear Buck,
This means something has happened to me. Carla knows my wishes and the official documents have been filed, but this is for you. So there is no confusion for you; I know how your mind works and you will twist and twist until you think I don’t mean it.
I need you to watch over Christopher. He needs you in his life. You are his other rock and he’s going to need his Buck. You are a great Dad to my son and I want you to continue to be that for him.
Raise him, love him, teach him - just like you’ve been doing all this time with me.
I know this is a lot to ask but I know you love him and you will do everything in your power to be there for him. Teach him how to love and trust again, show him that life is fun and make sure he laughs.
I know you can do it because the two of you are the most important people in my life and I know that you will heal each other. I know that if you stay together the both of you will make it through.
And you have to make it through.
Joining the 118 has been the best decision I ever made. I met my family there.
You have brought me such joy that I can only hope I did half as much for you.
Thank you for loving me, loving Christopher and being the most open and caring man I have ever known.
Eddie
*
Buck drops his head into his hands and takes a breath trying to control his emotions. He’s Eddie’s choice for his son. Eddie never mentioned it; why him?. What if Eddie dies, Buck can’t do this without him. Buck needs Eddie. Carla wraps an arm around his shoulders and dissolves into quiet sobs. Carla squeezes him tighter and he feels her head on his and can hear her murmuring words but can’t decipher them.
Somehow he wrestles his emotions in tight and sits up, accepting the tissues she provides and cleans himself up.
“This is some bullshit,” Buck says lowly.
“No, this is what Eddie wanted. He gave me the letter last year.”
He nods because he doesn’t know what to say. He looks at the letter again before folding it and putting it back into the envelope.
“I know things are bad right now,” Carla starts. “But I know Eddie is going to fight his way back to you both.” She takes his chin and turns his face so she can meet his eyes. “I also know that the two of you need to talk.”
Buck nods because he agrees, this letter says everything Eddie never did.
He doesn’t move from beside Carla until Bobby makes noise that he’s leaving. Buck jogs over to him. “Bobby. Earlier, I said count me in.”
“Yeah, that's still what you want?”
Buck glances between Bobby and Athena. “No. I need to be with Christopher, it’s what Eddie wants. He has to be my first priority.”
He barely finishes speaking before Athena pulls him into a hug. She pulls back and pats his checks, her eyes shining brightly. “You take care of that boy as you were meant to. The two of you are sunshine in a bottle.”
Bobby clasps Buck’s shoulder. “Let me know if you need time off.”
“Yes, a few days now as I’ll either be here or with Christopher."
Hen volunteers to stay at the hospital so that someone from the 118 is present when Eddie comes out of surgery and is able to receive the update from the doctor. Buck doesn’t want to leave but he needs to go home to Christopher, he has no idea what he’ll say yet but it has to be him.
Carla takes him by his apartment so he can pack a bag before driving him to Eddie’s house. She offers to come in so they can tell Christopher together, but Buck knows Abuela is inside so he politely sends her home.
Abuela hugs him as he crosses the threshold and doesn’t let go for a long minute.
“News?” she asks.
He shakes his head. “It’s a long surgery.” Buck looks around and doesn’t see Chris.
“He’s in his bedroom. He knows something is not right, but I know Eddie would have wanted you to talk to him.”
“What if I can’t do this?” he asks, his voice hoarse.
“Buck. My grandson chose you, he trusts you to care for the thing he loves most. What better proof do you need?”
“Sometimes his faith is misplaced.”
She taps the back of his head. “Never. He’s not wrong when it comes to Christopher. He didn’t make this decision lightly but once he did, we talked about it and I could see how much he believed in it.”
Buck nods and gives her another hug before turning down the hallway to Chris’s bedroom. He takes a deep breath before reaching out to turn the knob with trembling fingers.
Chris is sitting on the bed reading but looks up as the door opens. “Buck!” he yells and smiles slightly, his arms going up in the air for a hug. Buck kneels down next to the bed and pulls Chris into his arms and squeezes him tightly, putting all of his and Eddie’s love into it.
“Buddy. I have to talk to you,” he says and moves his hands down Chris’s arms to grasp his hands.
“Is Dad ok?”
Buck can feel the tears start pricking behind his eyes and he blinks quickly hoping his strength remains. He clears his throat. “There was an incident at work today. Your Dad isn’t coming home tonight.”
Breathing heavily, Christopher’s face crumbles. “What happened? Weren’t you there?”
A familiar pang of guilt hits Buck hard but he ignores it. “I was. I wasn’t able to stop it from happening, but I helped get your Dad patched up.” He pauses and realizes there’s no soft way to explain. “Your Dad is in surgery because he was shot today, they need to remove the bullet and make sure everything’s ok.”
“Shot?” Christopher repeats, sounding so confused and a little panicked. He starts fiddling with the iPad on the bed and turns it on. “Was this my Dad?” he asks and shows Buck the iPad.
The video is far enough away that the people involved can’t be identified but Buck was there, he sees Eddie and himself as clearly as if the recording was just feet away. Buck sits back onto his heels as his heart starts pounding and he can’t breathe. He feels warmth on his face, blood, and he frantically wipes his hands over it. When they come away clean, Buck sees Chris’s expression, the tears that are falling and Buck takes the iPad, flips it over and tosses it toward the end of the bed.
He pulls Chris fully into his arms because he can’t look at him and speak at the same time.
“Yeah, it was a bad person. The police are investigating. But right now, we’re going to concentrate on getting your Dad better. I’m going to be staying here for a while.”
Chris is quiet for a long while and Buck concentrates on feeling his chest rise and fall against his own, knowing he’s upset but ok. “Was that you looking at him?” Chris asks very quietly.
“Yes.” Buck answers with a broken voice.
“And you just stood there?”
Buck can’t speak, because it’s true - he was in shock and stood there. Somehow he forces out, “Yes. I wasn’t able to start treatment for a long time.”
“The video shows my Dad laying there; did you see all the blood?” Chris says angrily. “Is my Dad going to live?”
Buck swallows and takes a moment to convince his mouth to move. “Yes. Your Dad is with great doctors.”
Chris pushes past Buck as he leaves his room. Buck gets up and sits on the end of the bed and just breaks down, he covers his face with his hands and cries, his breath coming in short gasps.
It takes some time but he calms down and steps into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face before retreating to the living room. Buck all but collapses onto the couch with his head against the back cushions. He doesn’t see Chris. “Where’s Chris?”
“Out back, he needs space.” Abuela sits next to him. “You were wonderful.”
“Doesn’t seem like it.” He rolls his head to face her. “You heard him. Also, there’s a video; Chris has seen it. Don’t watch it.”
Her eyes fill with tears. “I knew it was bad, but it’s hard to hear.”
“Yeah. It was… bad.” Bad doesn’t adequately describe it. Horrifying. Terrifying. There isn’t a word that describes watching your best friend be shot and covered in his blood. Ever. And to think that this isn’t the first time Eddie’s been shot. He’s been actively shot at and still saved people. Yet this bullet from a fucking coward terrorist takes him down so easily.
Buck sits up. He can’t think about that, he has to concentrate on Christopher and making sure Eddie recovers. Abuela stands and Buck walks her to the door.
“I know he’s in good hands. But you need to take care of yourself too. Try and rest,” she says and kisses his cheek before leaving.
Buck’s not sure he can sleep because every time he closes his eyes he sees Eddie’s surprised expression, sees him falling to the ground; the puddle of blood he’s lying in. Sees Eddie reach for him and Buck did nothing but stare in shock.
No, he doubts sleep will come tonight.
*
He’s so exhausted that he does fall asleep some, but his mind replays the shooting and Buck wakes shaking in fear. The first time, he walks the house, checking on Chris, before going into Eddie’s room and lying on the bed. He stares at the ceiling until he can’t keep his eyes open. Buck’s not sure if he sleeps or dozes, either way he doesn’t startle much when his alarm sounds.
After a quick shower he makes sure Chris is moving before toasting some waffles for breakfast. His phone beeps and it’s a text from Albert: Chim and I dropped your Jeep off. Let me know if you need anything.
He hadn’t even thought about that, he sends a thank you text and before he puts it down he receives a text from Hen:
He’s resting in ICU, still unconscious.
Surgery went very well.
Long PT ahead.
Doctors said Chris could visit in a few hours.
He quickly types: Great. Thanks. I’ll be there soon.
Before he can send a response, Chris comes to the table and Buck puts the waffles down in a flourish, trying to ignore the fact that they haven’t really spoken since the night before. “Ta da!”
“No pancakes?” Chris asks and Buck stops cold in his tracks.
“Not today. Not enough ingredients in the fridge.” He walks to the sink and leans against it. “Your Dad did great in surgery. He’s not awake yet and needs a lot of rest.”
Chris nods. “When can I see him?” And pushes a piece of waffle around the plate before eating it.
“Doctors say you can see him later today.” Buck pauses. He and Carla texted about allowing Chris to decide how he spends the day before seeing his Dad. “Uh, today. Do you want to go to school, or hang out with Abuela? Or I can stay here…”
“No. You need to be with Dad. Is Carla coming over?”
“Yes, she’ll be here any minute.” He says gently.
“Then. I’ll go to school with her.”
Buck nods. “Ok buddy. Carla will bring you to the hospital after school.”
“Will he be awake?”
“I don’t know, I hope so.”
It’s a flurry of activity for them as they finish breakfast, clean up and get ready for school. Carla arrives and they have a quick conversation about if school is the right place for Chris to be; but since there’s nothing to do except wait, school will provide a focus for Chris’s attention. She agrees to bring him to the hospital afterward and Buck promises to provide updates throughout the day.
Buck goes to give Chris a hug but Chris is already moving for the door, instead he tells him to have a good day and that he’ll see him later. He expected the snub, but it still hurts. After closing the door, he gets himself ready. He finds an old backpack in the closet and fills it with sweatpants and a t-shirt. Noticing a book on the nightstand, he grabs that too, along with a charger; since he assumes Eddie’s phone is near dead.
He shoulders the pack and bounces into his Jeep, suddenly nervous. His hands shake against the steering wheel as he navigates the traffic on the way to the hospital. By the time he’s entering the waiting room he thinks he has his emotions under control. Hen stands when he enters and hugs him.
“Anything new?” Buck asks.
“He did wake slightly and his vitals were good so they moved him to a private room. You can probably go in shortly.”
“Thank you for staying,” he says.
Hen nods like it’s nothing. “How’s Christopher?”
“He’s ok.” Buck clears his throat. “But there's a video Hen, he showed it to me.”
“Oh no. How…”
“Someone from the building, the same building as the shooter. Thankfully it’s far enough away that you can’t see our faces, or even tell it’s us. Only if you know who it is.”
“You’ve seen it?” she asks softly.
Buck shakes his head. “No. Just enough to recognize it when Chris showed it to me. I … can’t.” He sucks in a breath and feels his eyes fill. He really needs to get this response under control.
“Buck. You’re going to need to talk to someone. What you’ve gone through…”
“Right now it’s about Chris and Eddie. I’m fine.”
Hen raises an eyebrow.
“Fine for now. I’ll set something up with Dr Copeland in a few days. Promise.”
“That’s my Buck.” She smiles and squeezes his hands. “Text if you need anything.”
He nods. After she leaves, he approaches a nurse and asks about Eddie and when he can see him. It takes another hour before he’s being told the room number and allowed in.
Pale. It’s the only thing Buck sees at first. Just how pale and sickly Eddie looks. If it weren’t for the low beeping of the monitor Buck would think Eddie was barely breathing.
This is not how Eddie should look. Eddie should be giving exasperated looks, or sly grins, rolling his eyes or bumping into his shoulder in response to Buck’s antics. Instead he’s this frail body hooked up to machines.
Buck picks up a chair, moves it closer to the bed and sits as he puts the bag on the floor. There’s no movement at all, the nurse said to expect that for possibly a few more hours. He glances toward the door before reaching out and gently running a fingertip through Eddie’s hair. Soft Eddie is always his favorite Eddie, just edging out sarcastic Eddie.
Eddie looking confused and listless flashes across his mind and he snatches his hand away. Another flash of Eddie falling to the ground. Nervous energy thrums through him and his mind continues to flash snapshots from the shooting. He squeezes his eyes shut each time, willing the pictures to stop.
He pops up and quietly paces around the room for almost an hour before he accepts defeat and lands back in the chair. He feels exhausted so he crosses his arms on the mattress beside Eddie and lays his head down. He’s going to rest for just a few minutes, maybe he won’t dream being next to Eddie.
He dozes for a bit, only being slightly aware of the beep of Eddie’s heart monitor and the soft voices of the nurses in the background, then he falls asleep.
Buck feels a hand on his head, but he dreams it’s pushing him into the ground, keeping him from Eddie. He sits up gasping and runs a hand over his face to check for blood. His hands are clean. Panting he makes himself swallow and hold his breath for a count of three before letting it go and breathing in. He repeats this several times until his heart isn’t going to crawl up his throat.
“You ok?” he hears softly and his eyes snap to Eddie’s whose forehead is scrunched up in concern; Buck notices Eddie’s left arm is hovering in the air, frozen. And finally, he realizes it was Eddie’s hand on his head. Buck smiles, his heart pounding in his chest because Eddie’s awake. He’s awake and asking if Buck is ok, which he should not be doing right at this moment.
“Am I ok?” Buck repeats incredulously. He laughs, he can’t help it but then it turns into crying. Resting his elbows on the mattress he hides his face. He can feel the tears and he can’t stop them as he cries softly, this time in relief and not distress. He feels the hand in his hair return after a few moments.
Once Buck is sure his tears of relief have stopped, he pushes up and grabs Eddie’s hand. “Am I ok? I’m not the one wearing a paper gown that doesn’t close in the back. How are you feeling?”
“Like I was shot. What happened?” he asks tiredly.
“Uh, a sniper went fireman hunting. You were the first victim. Full disclosure, there’s video and Chris has seen it.”
Eddie tries to sit up. “What?”
“Stay down,” says Buck as he pushes on Eddie’s good shoulder. “He’s fine. It’s far enough away that he didn’t even know it was you until I told him you were hurt.”
“Is he ok?”
Buck hesitates, which Eddie picks up on and Buck wishes, not for the first time, that he had a better poker face. He clears his throat. “He’s mad at me because I didn’t protect you. He’s right.”
“No. He’s not,” Eddie says emphatically and winces in pain. “How were you supposed to do that?”
“We’re partners, we keep each other safe.”
“Buck, I don’t remember everything, but I do remember being dragged across the ground and seeing the undercarriage of the truck. I didn’t do that. I also didn’t climb into the ambulance. That was you. You were with me the whole time, you saved me.”
Hiccups escape as he tries to hold back his emotions. “Eddie, it was bad. I can’t stop seeing it. It’s this horrific loop in my head. The blood, I see it, feel it, taste it. All I could do was lay there and look at you.”
“Yeah, I know how you feel.”
“You really don’t. I couldn’t move, Mehta held me back. I could only watch. There was so much blood.”
Eddie leans up on his good arm and makes sure he’s looking straight at Buck. “I really do. I had to watch as you had an entire ladder truck laying on you. There was nothing I could do.”
“Oh.”
Eddie falls back to the bed. “Yeah, oh.”
“Carla is gonna bring Christopher after school.”
Eddie’s eyes slip closed so Buck sits back in the chair and pulls out his phone. He sends a message to the 118 group chat, Carla, Abuela updating them on the situation. He plays a couple of games he has on the phone before putting it face down on the bed and slouching down in the chair to rest his head.
He thinks he slept because the next thing he knows Eddie is whispering his name. He blinks and Eddie’s raised the bed so that he’s sitting.
“Hey, sorry I fell asleep.”
Eddie smiles and says, “Think I should be apologizing as I think I just passed out.” He hands Buck his phone. “It buzzed and I looked at it, Carla’s on her way. Should be here any minute.”
“Wow,” Buck says and looks at the time. “Already? Uh, nice.” And as though the universe thinks it’s hilarious, he can hear Chris’s crutches tapping against the tile hallway.
Buck stands and moves the chair back to the corner and makes sure there’s a clear path to the bed. Eddie is staring at the door with a smile and it lifts Bucks’s spirits, even if it was just last night he sobbed in Chris’s room after being told he didn’t do enough to protect his Dad. His emotions still seem to be all over the place.
He stands off to the side as the door opens and they enter. A huge smile breaks across Chris’s face and a loud “Dad!” is yelled when he sees his Dad sitting up and waiting for him. He only has eyes for Eddie as he makes his way to the bed and sits down with Carla’s help. Eddie squeezes his son with his one good arm and kisses his head.
Eddie stares at his son’s face as though he’s memorizing it and asks how Chris is, then Buck zones out to give them a moment. He’s concentrating on the floor when Carla elbows his side.
He looks over to his left. “Yes?”
She gives him a pointed look and raises an eyebrow.
Buck huffs and says, “If you think I know what you want to say, clearly you don’t know me.” And raises his own eyebrow.
Smiling Carla says, “I know things were rough last night with Christopher.”
“Rough,” he repeats and cocks his head. “You could say that.”
“He’s 10, there’s a lot going on in there.”
Shrugging he adds, “He said what he was thinking, I respect that.”
“Buck, he’s not right. You…”
“Sure. Not something I want to discuss right now,” he whispers.
She nods and tells him to give Christopher time, he will come around. Buck smiles as though he wholeheartedly believes it instead of just hoping Chris will forgive him.
They stay until Carla announces that she needs to get Chris home as Abuela is bringing over dinner. Throughout the visit, Buck hangs off to the side, never once interjecting himself into their conversation. And not once did Chris look his way. Buck wishes he could say it didn’t hurt, but he’d be lying.
Carla stops in front of Buck on the way out, seemingly to pick up her bag from the floor, and pokes him in the stomach before saying, “Discuss the letter.” As though it wasn’t at the forefront of his mind.
“I’ll be home in about an hour so Abuela doesn’t worry,” he says as though Carla didn’t mumble anything. She scrunches her face which clearly tells him she’s not amused. He remains leaning against the wall with his arms crossed long after the door shuts.
He doesn’t know how long he stands there but Eddie says nothing, seemingly patient enough to wait him out. As always, a silent solid force providing support. This time though, it’s Eddie who will need support and he’s chosen Buck to care for his kid. Officially, with documents. It’s something Buck has been struggling with for the past 24 hours, why him? He can barely keep himself together let alone a 10 year old.
It’s no secret he loves Christopher, would do anything for him; it is a secret that he’s in love with Eddie. He mentioned it once to Dr. Copeland and she didn’t seem surprised, evidently he talked about Eddie too much for there not to be deeper feelings. But to everyone else he’s kept this just for himself, afraid to share it out loud in fear it would get ruined. He thought there might have been a moment… but then Eddie got with Ana so Buck continued on like nothing changed.
Buck was content being Eddie’s best friend, if he catches Eddie looking at him Buck doesn’t dwell on it. They had plans to take Chris to the beach in a few days, life was good. Until he watched Eddie’s eyes become unfocused and close, lying in his own blood.
Maybe he needed to take the leap, they were adults and if Eddie truly didn’t feel that way - he’s sure they can still be friends. And then Buck would know.
Buck sighs and runs a hand over his head before pulling the envelope out of his back pocket. Eddie’s eyes track to it and Buck can hear the quick intake of breath. He walks over to the bed and sits down in the space Chris was just occupying.
Eddie’s free hand twitches on the bed. “Carla. She was only supposed to give that to you if…”
He frowns and can feel himself getting angry but keeps his voice steady. “Did something not happen to you yesterday?”
“Yes, but clearly I’m going to be ok, she should’ve waited.”
“For your death?!”
There is no answer Eddie can give.
Buck clenches his fist and the envelope crumbles. “You have no idea. The amount of blood, how you looked,” He takes a breath to calm himself down. “It didn’t look good. So yes, Carla gave me the letter. But why? Why say all this in a letter?”
“Buck. I. Your love for Christopher is so apparent and he loves you too.”
“Yes, I love him. But you. You didn’t say anything. Changing me to be his guardian without consulting me? Or giving me a heads up?”
“I didn’t want you to have the chance to decline. The two of you need each other.”
“We need you.”
Eddie’s mouth scrunches up and he looks away from Buck. “He flourishes with you, you give him the energy he needs.”
“I know you’re not saying I’m a better father to your kid than you. I know that. Right?” There’s no response so Buck reaches out and takes Eddie’s chin in his hand and turns it until their eyes meet. “Right? Because that is the biggest pile of shit I’ve ever heard.”
“Right. Not saying that.”
Buck lets go and takes a breath, his heart pounding. Now or never, Buckley. “What about...how you feel. About me. The letter seemed like it might be saying a little more.”
Eddie’s face flushes, which is very apparent considering how light his coloring still is, and Buck relaxes a little. That has to be a good sign, but Eddie doesn’t reply.
“Ok. I’ll go first, everyone says I wear my heart on my sleeve which should mean you already know, right? But I love, I’m in love with you.”
“Uh.” Eddie stops and clears his throat. “I have tried to flirt with you.”
“By dating Ana?”
“You were throwing yourself at Taylor!”
Buck rolls his eyes. “Because you were with Ana. Just didn’t think you were attainable after so long.”
Eddie’s free hand picks at the light blanket covering his lap. “I’m not very open about emotions, it all sounds awkward.”
“Just try me,” Buck suggests.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you in my life, but I’m … so grateful to have found you. You just enhance everything.” He pauses and licks his lips. “When I saw the blood on your face, my heart stopped. I thought -- you were so still -- I thought you were hurt. And in the next moment the pain registered and I felt relief. Relief that it was me and not you. That’s how I feel about you.”
Eddie looks up and meets his eyes and Buck can see the depth of emotion there and he recognizes the look of love because he saw it yesterday as he laid in the street. Buck leans over and hugs Eddie close, being careful to not touch the bad shoulder. He can feel Eddie grab the back of his shirt as he buries his face in Eddie’s neck. They continue to hold each other until Buck can’t keep himself in that position anymore.
“We’re going to have to work on your communication skills. I don’t want to be blindsided by another letter.”
Eddie smiles wide, “Yeah, sure. I’ll work on it.”
They sit there in comfortable silence, holding hands, until Eddie points out the time. “You need to get to dinner.”
“I don’t want to leave you.”
“I’ll be ok, I’ll probably sleep. It’s been quite the afternoon.” Buck can see Eddie is working up to something, so he waits. “Before you go,” he says and then finishes very quickly, “you should probably kiss me.”
Buck smiles softly at him, “Should I?” He nods and leans forward. “I guess I should give the patient what they need.” And he presses his lips against Eddie’s. His eyes close and leans in more, cupping the side of Eddie’s face, tilting his head the way he wants and swipes his tongue across his lips.
They both exhale, Eddie grabs Buck’s arm and pulls him closer, but they’re already pressed together as much as possible. Their tongues meet softly against each other before they’re pulling back and giving one final soft kiss.
Smiling, they look at each other and nod. Buck stands and starts to back away or he won’t be able to make himself leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good night Buck,” Eddie says, still grinning.
*
A few days later and Buck brings Eddie home, he’s even happier to have a buffer between himself and Christopher. There haven’t been any additional outbursts but the vibe Chris is giving off is “space”. So much space.
So Buck has made sure that he gets to school, eats, showers, does homework, exercises - everything included in the regular day. Except hang out and chat. So it’s awkward, but it’s only a couple of days. Carla told him it will pass but he’s not going to push. He has no idea what it would be like to be told the only parent you have left isn’t coming home. Anger would be at the top of his list and Buck is a convenient target, and he’ll be that for Chris for as long as he needs.
Buck just hopes the end is near.
On discharge day Carla offers to hang at the house until they arrive. Buck was concerned that even though their discharge time was 12:00, that it would be much later. And he was right because when he walks Eddie through the door around 4pm Chris is already deep into his homework for the night. Carla hugs Eddie gently before waving goodbye and promises to be back the next day.
Eddie insists on sitting with Chris at the table to help with homework while Buck busies himself in the kitchen getting dinner together. He knows spaghetti is a favorite of Chris’s so he had made the sauce earlier so that dinner itself takes almost no effort, just boil the water for the pasta and heat up the sauce.
Buck even picked up french bread first thing this morning, another favorite of Chris’s. He’s accepted he’s trying to buy back normalcy and he’s completely fine with it.
He’s so focused on dinner prep that he misses Eddie standing against the wall until he calls his name. “Buck,” he says softly.
Turning, he sees Eddie smile. “You don’t need to be in here.” Buck says.
“I know. I can make sure nothing burns while you go talk to Christopher.”
Buck’s heart jumps and he’s suddenly nervous. “You shouldn’t put him up to anything, he will come around when he’s ready.”
Eddie walks over to him and grabs his arm, “I didn’t. He’s been wanting to talk to you but didn’t know how.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want him to resent me if he’s forced to feel a certain way.”
“Buck, he could never. I think he waited for me to be here.” Eddie smiles. “Just go and sit on the couch.”
He hands Eddie a spoon and says, “Do not let it burn.” To which he receives an eye roll.
Buck scrubs his hands on his thighs as he walks into the living and sits next to Christopher. “Hey Buddy, how are you doing?”
“Ok,” Chris says and shrugs as Buck waits patiently. “I’m sorry for what I said. It was so mean. Can you forgive me?” He asks and looks at Buck, his eyes shining bright and Buck feels his heart swell.
Buck pulls him in for a hug. “Always. We’re best friends, right? And BFFs forgive each other.” Buck squeezes him tighter and he laughs. Buck palms the back of Chris’s head and kisses the top of his head several times.
He pulls back and looks at Christopher. “The last couple of days have been hard. I’m sorry it was so upsetting for you, I know you love your Dad so much.”
“He showed me a video…”
“Of the shooting?” Buck can’t comprehend why Eddie would do that but before he can overreact, Chris continues.
“No. It was - after. It was you, pulling Dad under the truck and then getting him to the ambulance. He wanted me to see everything so I didn’t just see the super bad part. But I also saw you being a hero.”
Buck is speechless. He wipes a hand down his face, a habit he’s going to have to break but covers his mouth and tries not to cry. “Bud, I did what partners do. I was having your Dad’s back. Always.” He pulls Chris to him again and repeats “Always” into his hair.
Chris squirms and Buck lets him get away. “I am sorry, I was scared. I know you love Dad.”
“I do, Buddy,” He claps to break the tension and says, “Dinner is spaghetti and I got you some of the bread you like.”
“Awesome!” Chris says all smiles. And just like that, all is right in the Diaz household.
Buck returns to the kitchen and finds that Eddie didn’t let anything burn, so he drops the spaghetti into the water and starts getting everything together. They sit down and enjoy the meal.
“Dad says you’re going to be staying here for a while,” Chris says suddenly.
Buck looks up from twirling his forkful and glances at Eddie, who nods. “Yeah, for a bit. As long as that’s ok with you.”
“Sure! You’re more fun than Dad, you let me play video games.”
Buck laughs. “Well, we need to follow the regular rules most of the time.”
“Booo.” Chris shoves a piece of bread in his mouth and the three of them eat. It’s so normal that Buck can almost forget the hell of the last few days. Buck and Chris are halfway through their plates when Buck notices Eddie’s barely eaten.
He nudges his foot against Eddie’s. “You alright?”
“Yeah, just harder to eat than I thought.”
“I’ll help.” Buck leans to his left and picks up Eddie’s fork, twirls some spaghetti on it and hands it to Eddie.
Eddie hesitates for a moment before picking it up and putting it in his mouth. Buck smiles and repeats the twirling and leaves the new forkful for Eddie to pick up. They get into a pattern where Buck will take a bite, then twirl a fork for Eddie before Buck takes another bite for himself. This is how they finish dinner.
Standing, Buck collects all the plates and takes them to the kitchen. He’s returning to the table when he hears Chris ask “Do you want to date Buck?”
Buck freezes behind Eddie.
“Uh, why are you asking?” Eddie asks slowly.
Chris shrugs. “He loves you. He’s going to live here. He feeds you.”
Chuckling, Eddie says, “Well. Best friends love each other, that’s what makes them best friends. But… how would you feel if Buck and I did start dating?”
“I love Buck. I’d like that.”
Reaching out, Eddie ruffles Chris’s hair. “That’s great.”
Buck sits back down and Eddie flashes him a nervous grin so he smiles back.
“Does that mean Buck can start making some of the rules? Like more video games?” Chris asks.
Laughing loudly, Buck crosses his arms and looks at Eddie and shrugs. “Your call.”
Eddie looks between the two of them and shakes his head. “We’ll see how it goes.”
Grinning, Buck knows they got lucky this week but if he has to endure a week like this in order to come home to these two, it will all have been worth it.
The End