Archive of Our Own ^beta

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the diary of min yoongi

assigned by:  kim seonjae, phd

diagnosis:  social anxiety and depression

~

the diary of min yoongi

home of: park jimin

created on: xx/xx/xxxx

left on:  xx/xx/xxxx, exactly five hundred and two days since creation

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dear diar jimin,

my new therapist asked me to write these letters. she said diary entries, but i’d feel better if i wrote to a real person, so i said i’d name it. so, annyeonghaseyo, jimin. you’re now a smol kid a couple years younger than me with big cheeks, big lips and abs. you always wish you were tall and have a temper. and, um...you laugh a lot. and cuddle and hug and show affection. i dunno. i think that’s the type of friend i want. 

i don’t really have friends. i’m only in my first year of middle school, though, so i might get friends later. but i do have some people i hang around with. xiang is cool, i guess. but momma says i shouldn’t hang around with him cuz he steals. but she never asks where the food we eat comes from, so she either doesn’t know i steal too, or she doesn’t care. so. that’s something.

i guess i don’t care if she doesn’t care. she can’t tell me who to hang out with if she’s with every ass butthole that talks to her off the street. just cuz dad’s with his boss. you’re lucky you’re not real, i feel like i wouldn’t have told you anything if that was the case. 

i hope i get friends; it gets lonely eating alone and skipping class in bathroom stalls.

i like you a lot though jimin. you’re my friend.

~yoongi

name: park jimin

age: 11

height: 135 cm

likes: hugs| singing| baking| laughing| having friends.

dislikes: people being mean to his friends

special skills: dance| singing| taekwondo

period of yoongi’s life: middle school

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dear jimin,

taeminidick’s being a bitch.

some new kid from gwangjoo beat him in a race then dusted him at tennis. i mean, he’s an okay kid, mr. gwangjoo-sunshine-smile. don’t remember his name though. he’s already mr. popular, which is really ruffling taeminidick’s feathers.

apparently, taemin’s squaring up to fight mr. sunshine, and i gotta laugh. i’ve fought the idiot. and he might be tall, but i nearly broke his collarbone.  and i know that, as much he brags about his four years of training, he’s still only an orange belt like the weak bitch he is.

update: there was a fight. goddamn, mr. sunshine don’t play. i’ve never seen a twelve-year-old hit that hard. not even me. it was like a one-punch-man episode.

update: taemin’s blaming gym for his loss, like he was winded . yeah, right, you lil bitch. mr. sunshine did move work than him and nearly knocked him out.

update: mr sunshine’s name is hoseok. he came to sit with me at lunch today. his satoori sounds cool. friendly. way different from the roughness of daegu kyeongsangdo.

i think i made a friend.

~yoongi

Hi! This is Hoseok! I’m Yoongi’s new friend! Don’t worry, Jimin. I’ll take care of our lil meow meow! shut the fuck up hoseok Ah! Yoongi-hyung! You can’t use that kind of language! i can if i fucking want to.

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dear jimin,

hoseok has a really nice house. and his older sister’s nice too. she’s weird though. she wears really tight, short skirts and drops stuff a lot around me. she bends over a lot too. for no real reason, i mean i’m only 150, not your size. 

i’m not really sure what’s going on, but as long as i say ‘dowon-noona’ and touch her, i’m good.

it’s weird.

anyway, hoseok plays call of duty a lot. it’s really violent and i fucking love it . i’m better than him now, but he doesn’t really care. sure, he whines when he loses, but he always cheers for me even when he’s playing.

hoseok’s eomma (can you believe she lets him call her that?) is so much better than my eomeoni. she made me cookies and brownies to take home. she makes my favorite samgyopsal, and i managed to copy the recipe. it didn’t taste as good as hers, but she was really proud of me and that made me happy.

i’ve hid the treats under my bed.

hoseok’s appa’s way cooler than my abeoji. he’s better than both of us at call of duty, and helped us get better too. he even let me sleep over.

hoseok hugged me when i left.

(so did dowon, but i didn’t like it because she had her...chest pressed against me the whole time.)

hugs are nice. maybe i should give hoseok some.

~yoongi

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dear jimin,

today is my birthday.

usually birthdays are shit but seok got me a cupcake made by his eomma. he’d even shoved a number 14 candle in there. he sang to me and i want to hear his singing more often. it’s not great , but it’s nice.

eomeoni found the treats under my bed. she slapped me. asked if i stole them. i told her the truth, my best friend’s eomma gave them to me. she slapped me harder.

i hate her.

seok’s the best part of birthday’s now.

update: seok blushed when i called him ‘seok-ah’ and hugged him when i thanked him. that was weird.

update: people asked me if i was a dongseong-aeja. i’m not sure what that means but i’ve heard it before. it makes me want to punch someone in the face.

update: abeoji got me an apple mac for my birthday. i had to fight eomeoni jisoo for it, but now i have something of my own to mix music on, not just seok’s laptop.

maybe i should give you a birthday.

~yoongi

name: park jimin

age: 11

height: 135 cm

likes: hugs| singing| baking| laughing| having friends.

dislikes: people being mean to his friends

special skills: dance| singing| taekwondo

period of yoongi’s life: middle school

birthday: october 13

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dear jimin

i’m going to high school in seoul after the summer, to live with my aunt. seok cried when i told him, real, fat, heavy tears.

i cried to.

eo jisoo went and got herself pregnant like she promised she wouldn’t and that was abeoji's last straw. so now i’m leaving my best friend so they don’t get mixed up in their divorce. i wonder why they lasted so long in the first place; it seems like they’ve never liked each other.

i hate this family

i wish i were in seok’s instead.

update: when i went to seok’s house last night, we told each other secrets. mine was that no one’s sure who my real dad is, but it aint abeoji. his was that he liked me. i didn’t know what to do with that information, but he kissed me. i don’t like him like that, but kisses are nice, so i said those exact words, then asked him to kiss me again. seok cried, and i was going to tell him he didn’t have to, but he did.

so now we’re just best friends who kiss. 

a lot.

seok likes kissing me, and i like kissing in general, so we kiss. it isn’t complicated. we’re probably not good at it - we’re only in 8th grade - but it’s nice and i finally know what ‘no strings attached’ means.

update: i finally know what dongseong-aeja means. taemin used it on seok today and i punched him in the face. all we were doing was holding hands. i like holding hands. seok like holding my hand. it’s a win/win. i don’t get what’s so wrong with it.

update: eomma (seok’s eomma really but she’s mine now too) says she’s glad we’re ‘together’ and that we’re cute and ‘romantic’. but we’re not. it’s not. it really isn't.

seok cried when i reminded him. begged me to ‘let him pretend’. maybe we should stop.

~yoongi

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dear jimin,

today’s my last day here.

seok hugged me, and held my hand, and kissed me, and cried like it was the last time we would see each other. i cried too.

i love him. a lot. 

there. i said it. see, jimin? i’m not a wuss.

he’s my best friend. ever. forever. sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth. i love him. 

i’m gonna miss him a lot.

i’m on the train now.

maybe...

i think, jimin, that you should stay in  daegu. you know, to take care of seok.

i heard he started writing to you too, so you need to stay here because he needs you more than me now.

you’ve been a great friend, jimin.

i love you, too.

metaphysical hugs and kisses,

~yoongi

p.s. i’ll start a brand new diary so you don’t feel like someone’s invading in your space.

please, please, please please, take care of seok. he’s my best friend.

to: jung hoseok

from: min yoongi

i love you mr. sunshine

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diary of min yoongi, pt 2

assigned by:  min yoongi

diagnosis: still depression, better anxiety

~

diary of min yoongi, pt 2

home of:  kim taehyung

created on:  xx/xx/xxxx

left on: xx/xx/xxxx, approximately 3005 days after creation

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dear...

dear taehyung,

i’m in seoul now.

it sucks on the bus so i’ll make you up a backstory.

you’re from daegu, like me. you’re tall, unlike me. you have a cool deep voice, like me. you’re curious and like to experiment, unlike me.

i think you and me are gonna get along just fine.

update: i’m here now and my aunt is a bit of a...karen (? i’ve seen it in tumblr and i think that’s what they call it in the west) she’s kinda uptight, and never cooks. my cousin, joongi, usually cooks, and his samgyeopsal is nowhere near as good as eomma’s, his beef bulgogi is the sexiest goddamn thing. apparently, aunt jiwon’s boyfriend, an american called harry, isn’t going to be here until next week so i haven’t met him yet.

my bedroom is black and grey, leftover from joongi’s emo phase. it’s a little disquieting in the dark, but i at least like my wardrobe. it’s black and silver. real sleek. his clothes are a weird mix of hipster/emo that i know he doesn’t wear anymore. (he dressed like an idol, really. his hair’s bright pink too) honestly, i vibe with it. i like that he’s a lot taller than me, which means all his clothes are baggy on me. i’ve currently got a hoodie of seok’s on, the biggest one he owned, which actually covers most of the basketball shorts i’m wearing right now.

i miss him.

update: when harry comes back, me and joongi start school. i’m going into freshman year, and he’s going into senior year. apparently, he does a lot of taekwondo, which i find interesting. i wanna try. 

school’s gonna suck, i know that. 

there won’t be a seok to come sit with me at lunch.

~yoongi

name: kim taehyung

age: 13

height: 160cm

likes: saxophone| singing| photography| fashion| fine art.

dislikes: people he gets a bad vibe from

special skills: dance| singing| being weird

period of yoongi’s life: high school

birthday: december 30th

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dear taehyung,

it's okay in seoul, i guess.

i made the basketball team, they're okay. 

exept jisung. (he asked the team to call him like...kyul or something, i can't pronounce it, so i'm calling him 'jisung')

he uses the d-word. a lot.

like a lot a lot.

he also says weird things like 'thats gay, bro' or like... 'ewww, are you a homo?'

it makes me think of taeminidick.

(shit, thinking of taeminidick makes me think of daegu, and daegu makes me think of seok, and thinking of seok makes me want to cry. i'm nearly fourteen, i can't cry all the time like a fourth-grader.)

there's a boy on the team who wore a skirt to school once, his name's seokjin.

he's probably the coolest on the squad and he's only a junior. jisung calls him the d-word all the time, but seokjin always brushes it off with a laugh and a glare like ice.

he's like...my favorite person here.

(other than joongi's bulgolgi. it's so fucking sexy that it qualifies as a whole friggin person)

he sat with me at lunch today.

remember when i said there wouldn't be a seok to sit with me at lunch?

well.

there was a seok to sit with me at lunch.

so

like

thanks universe.

(update: seokjin wears a binder. apparently. i mean, i don't know how you can wear a pseudo-book thingy that you put leftover paper in, but you do you i guess.)

(update: apparently, seokjin is actually a chaebol, like. imagine. he's one of the mayor's nephews or something, but like his family's really just super rich.)

(update: seokjin says 'really?' and 'seriously?' a lot, and it's kinda cute. a little annoying to the right person, but cute. kinda like seok's laugh.

shit.

i should stop thinking about him.)

~yoongi

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dear taehyung,

joongi ain't actually all bad.

ha ha i'm a liar.

wait, paradox....

sorry i had a momentary brain freeze, i'm back.

joongi ain't actually all bad.

he tried to teach me to make his bulgolgi, and he stood up for me (and seokjin) when someone called us the d-word.

so he's not actually all bad.

he's teaching me how to use is midi as well, and it's the sexiest.

like sexier than his bulgolgi, which is saying something.

i showed him some of the stuff me and seok wrote and he put a beat behind it.

it wasn't as good a seok actually being there but it was really cool.

joongi's like my opposite.

he's tall, tan, has a high voice, likes idol music and gets in lots of relationships.

he's also really straight,

almost aggressively straight.

he's not homophobic, but he's always talking about girls.

(i kinda think that him and dowon would get along so well)

other than joongi being cool,

seokjin's awesome!

totally daebak.

he listens to girls generation and dances like he's conrolling traffic, 

but

totally daebak.

he makes me laugh and he makes sure i eat at lunch.

he likes giving hugs, which is nice, and he let me wear a skirt of his today.

i don't know why he has skirts that fit me kinda snug when he's two sizes up, but the skirt was...

freeing.

he wanted me to take it so i did,

but joongi's found it.

he's left for a bit so i'm writing this quick before he comes back, 

but.

i'm kinda scared about what he's gonna say when he comes back.

(update: joongi has skirts that fit me too, even though he's six foot four. like, what?)

(update: joongi's transgender. that means he was born in a girl body when he's always been a boy, which sounds sucky.

he said he had top surgery a week before i came, which i'm happy about since now he's happier.)

(update: joongi's given me some of his old skirts that he (obiviously) doesn't need any more, which is really cool.

some of them are a little ugly, but i really like this one black one.

it's pleated and high on my waist which is super cool, and auntie says i could wear it to school if i wanted to.

i'm not sure if i'm ready for that yet, but it's cool to know that auntie supports me.)

(update: i think i might be a girl, but also... not.

it's a little weird.

also, it's three in the morning and i'm farely sure my handwriting is slanting off the page

so i'll ask joongi about it tomorrow.)

(update: i haven't cried about seok in a week, tae. you should be proud of me.)

~yoongi

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dear taehyung,

its nearing winter break now.

i don't know how this family celebrates christmas, and i hope it's way less shitty than the ones i had in daegu.

jin-hyung has a car in his living room, you know, and his dad still subconciously thinks he's a girl.

he calls him 'honey' and 'princess' and shit, and it makes me laugh because, despite the dysphoria inducing nicknames, jin-hyung seems to be fucking lavishing.

like, 

his older brother, seojoon, is a doctor in a big hospital in seoul and gets like a million won an hour, and jin-hyung earns that in a week.

we went shopping and i ended up with armani jeans, a black all saints skirt, and custom balenciagas. custom.

auntie was so surprised!

joongi-hyung and jin-hyung helped me out a lot with my gender issues.

jin-hyung said that my gender expression doesn't have to match up with my gender identity, then played his entire snsd playlist for three hours during homework.

joongi-hyung said that there are a lot of identities that don't fit the gender binary and that i don't have to be either if i don't want to be. 

i like the term 'gender-queer', actually. it fits nice, like a good t-shirt.

do i use different pronouns?

i'm trying out my favorites, like they/them and he/they, but she/her also feels cool, i don't know yet.

joongi-hyung asked if i wanted to try any with him, so we're trying out they/them right now.

it feels nice, but kinda snug, like a favorite t-shirt from your late childhood.

gender's weird.

(update: we're now on she/they, and it feels really fucking good, but i kinda miss 'he'??? i don't know)

(update: gi-hyung said that i can change pronouns if i want to, and i don't have to stick with the same ones all the time. 

it was affirming, i guess)

~yoongi yoon

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dear taehyung,

i did something a little different today.

it was...a little nerve-wracking to say the least.

i wore my skirt to school.

but gi-hyung took me wig shopping last week and i got this cool bob, so i wore that. 

and auntie did my makeup so that i look a little different, and jin-hyung, the angel he fucking is, got me out of gym

(i love gym, basketball especially, but i'm not spending money on underwear i won't use, so i just won't get changed, easy.)

and also got my name changed on roll-call.

in short skirt, 

(fuck, i've been hanging with jin-hyung and his fucking puns for too long, goddamn)

i was yoonji for a day.

yoonji even has a backstory so people know why she isn't appearing out of the blue.

she's my twin from daegu and came to visit,

and i got sick, 

and she's always wanted to know what seoul high schools are like versus daegu high schools

so she's taken my place.

jin-hyung made that up.

he's cool as shit.

also,

gi-hyung and i figured out my gender identity.

i'm bigender and i use she/he pronouns. also genderfluid just generally so that's really fucking cool.

outside of yoonji, i go by yoon now.

(jin-hyung calls me his little yoonie-yah, and its really...nice.)

(update: i still don't fucking know about sexuality shit, 

it's weird.

my new friend, jieunnie-unnie, is a lesbian bisexual, which is cool, and her girlfriend, sunmi, is panromantic asexual, and they told me that though jieun-unnie calls herself a lesbian and sunmi calls themself queer, romantic and sexual attraction are different things.

it's a good thing to know.)

~yoon

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dear taehyung,

jin-hyung's leaving.

JIn HYungS Leaving ME he proMiseD!

He PROMiseD

I Hate thisn I wannna DIe 

LEr me di e

I wanna DIE 

LEt Me DIe

please.

sorry.

i just...

he's my...everything.

i...

he's my e̷n̷t̷i̷r̷e̷ ̷w̷o̷r̷l̷d̷

i don't want him to leave.

what am i supposed to do?

𝒾𝓉𝓈 𝒿𝑜𝑜𝓃𝑔𝒾. 

𝓎𝑜𝑜𝓃'𝓈 𝒸𝓊𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔...
𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃, 𝒾𝓉 𝓈𝑒𝑒𝓂𝓈.

𝒾..
𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓀𝓃𝑜𝓌 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝒹𝑜.
𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎, 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝓌𝒶𝓎.

𝒾'𝓂 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓉𝓇𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝒹𝑜 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝑒𝓈𝓉.

-𝓎𝑜𝑜𝓃'𝓈 𝑔𝒾-𝒽𝓎𝓊𝓃𝑔

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dear taehyung,

i'm getting b̷e̷t̷t̷e̷r̷ by.

gi-hyung's helping me out, and...

i'm rethinking everything.

what if i really am a boy, and i'm just trying to be cool or something?

cuz...

yoonji isn't me... but i still like the skirts.

maybe i jumped in too fast. maybe.

i'm gonna talk to gi-hyung about it over lamb skewers.

jin-hyung hasn't come back. 

but we're facetiming and shit.

its cool.

i̷t̷s̷ ̷n̷o̷t̷.̷

~yoon

𝓎𝑜𝑜𝓃'𝓈 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇𝒶𝓅𝒾𝓈𝓉'𝓈 𝒶𝓈𝓀𝑒𝒹 𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝓊𝓅𝒹𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓈 𝑜𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓂𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓉𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝑜𝓃 𝓌𝑜𝓊𝓁𝒹𝓃'𝓉.
𝒾𝓉'𝓈 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓀𝒾𝓂-𝒷𝒶𝑔𝓈𝒶𝓃𝒾𝓂 𝓉𝓇𝓊𝓈𝓉𝓈 𝓂𝑒.

𝓈𝑜,
𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎'𝓇𝑒 𝑒𝒶𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓃𝑜𝓌, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒻𝒶𝒸𝑒𝓉𝒾𝓂𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒿𝒾𝓃 𝓈𝑒𝑒𝓂𝓈 𝓉𝑜 𝒷𝑒 𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓅𝒾𝓃𝑔.
𝒾'𝓂 𝑔𝓁𝒶𝒹.
𝓌𝑒 𝓌𝑒𝓃𝓉 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓁𝒶𝓂𝒷 𝓈𝓀𝑒𝓌𝑒𝓇𝓈, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓉𝑜𝓁𝒹 𝓂𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝒶𝓇𝑒𝓃'𝓉 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓇𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝑔𝑒𝓃𝒹𝑒𝓇 𝒾𝒹𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓉𝓎, 𝓌𝒽𝒾𝒸𝒽 𝒾𝓈 𝓅𝑒𝓇𝒻𝑒𝒸𝓉𝓁𝓎 𝑜𝓀𝒶𝓎.
𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓈𝑒𝑒𝓂 𝑜𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓁𝓎 𝓈𝓉𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝒶𝒷𝑜𝓊𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽.

𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎'𝓇𝑒 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝒸𝓊𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝓈 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒾 𝒸𝒽𝑒𝒸𝓀 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓌𝓇𝒾𝓈𝓉𝓈 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔.
𝓌𝑒 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓃𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓁𝓎 𝒸𝓊𝒹𝒹𝓁𝑒 𝓈𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝓃𝑜𝓌. 

𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎'𝓇𝑒...
𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝒹𝑜𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑔𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉 𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁𝓁, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎'𝓇𝑒 𝑔𝑒𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇.

-𝓳𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓲

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dear taehyung,

auntie says i can stay off school for as long as i like and joongi's even said he'll postpone college for me.

i don't deserve it.

why should i?

i'm leaving my best friend in a big, scary, transfuckingphobic world that hates him and me and everyone like us.

i'm so fucking pitiful.

i can't even get out of fucking bed. 

this is the first time i've even sat up in a week and a half.

goddammit.

i don't know why i'm feeling bad for myself.

i deserve everything that happens to me.

everything.

joongi's bringing food.

i haven't eaten since last week.

i don't deserve to.

i don't deserve life.

no one wants me here.

~yoon

(i hid you from gi-hyung so that he doesn't see this.)

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dear taehyung,

FUCK WHAT I SAID LAST TIME

FUCK DEPRESSION.

IF I DON'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT WHETHER I LIVE OR DIE, I BETTER START ACTING LIKE IT. 

IF I DESERVE NOTHING THEN I DON'T DESERVE DEATH.

IF I'M MY OWN ENEMY I SHOULD BE DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO SPITE ME.

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU

I'M GONNA LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME

I'LL LIVE IT TO THE FUCKING FULLEST BECAUSE I HATE YOU AND YOU WANT ME TO DIE

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

not you taehyung, me.

~yoon

𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎'𝓇𝑒 '𝓁𝒾𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝑔𝑔𝓇𝑒𝓈𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓁𝓎'.
𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉'𝓈 𝒶𝓁𝓁 𝒾 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝓈𝒶𝓎.
𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝓂𝓎 𝒷𝓊𝓁𝑔𝑜𝓁𝑔𝒾, 𝓈𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓉𝓇𝓎 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉.
𝒶𝑔𝑔𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓁𝓎.
𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎'𝓇𝑒 𝒶𝑔𝑔𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓁𝓎 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝓎.
𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 𝓈𝒶𝓎 𝓇𝒶𝓃𝒹𝑜𝓂 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓈 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 '𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊, 𝒹𝑒𝓅𝓇𝑒𝓈𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃' 𝒶𝓃𝒹 '𝒽𝒶! 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝒶𝓃𝓍𝒾𝑒𝓉𝓎!'
𝒾𝓉'𝓈 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝒾𝓇 𝓁𝒾𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃.
𝒾 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝑜𝓃 𝒶 𝓁𝑜𝓉
- 𝒿𝑜𝑜𝓃𝑔𝒾

(𝒾 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊, 𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓎 𝒸𝑜𝓊𝓈𝒾𝓃. 𝒾'𝓂 𝑔𝓁𝒶𝒹 𝓎𝑜𝓊'𝓇𝑒 𝓁𝒾𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃.)

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dear taehyung,

JIN-HYUNG'S BACK!!!!

me and gi-hyung went to meet him at the trainstation (he went to see his grandparents in gwaecheon) 

and 

he bought me back three skirts, four way-too-big hoodies (yesss), a bulls basketball uniform, and, best of all, a new midi keyboard!

he's so awesome...

(he also bought me beef jerkey and dry-wipes (???) but we don't talk about that...)

god!

i'm so happy right now!

he's back in all his pink, broadshouldered glory....

god i love him.

shit.

like i loved seok.

shit.

𝓈𝑜𝑜... 𝓌𝒽𝑜'𝓈 𝓈𝑒𝑜𝓀?

shut the fuck up joongi.

𝓊𝒽 𝓊𝒽 𝓊𝒽𝒽... 𝒽𝑜𝓃𝑜𝓇𝒾𝒻𝒾𝒸𝓈, 𝓀𝒾𝒹𝒹𝑜.

fine. ~_~ 

shut the fuck up gi-hyung. 

𝓃𝑜𝑜𝑜𝑜𝑜, 𝓎𝑜𝑜𝓃𝒾𝑒𝑒𝑒𝑒 𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓁𝓁 𝓂𝑒𝑒𝑒𝑒𝑒𝑒 >ㅁ<

fuck off.

but

i'll tell you later.

𝓎𝒶𝓎𝓎! ^ㅇ^

ugggh.

(he's doing a weird little seat wiggle thing, the fuck. 어이없다.)

thanks taetae.

~yoon

(𝒶𝓌𝓌, 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓈𝒶𝒾𝒹 𝓉𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇 𝒹𝒾𝒶𝓇𝓎!)

(oh my god actually fuck off hyung.)

(𝓃𝑜.
𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝓎𝑜𝓊, 𝒷𝒾𝓉𝒸𝒽.)

(what the fuck ever.)

(𝓁𝒶𝓃𝑔𝓊𝒶𝑔𝑒, 𝓎𝑜𝑜𝓃𝒾𝑒...)

(i fucking hate you.)

(𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓉𝑜𝑜! >𝟥<)

(~_~) 

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dear taehyung,

i don't understand it.

i..

we were just friends, seok and i

right?

we weren't boyfreinds, like they said.

right?

but...

he made me feel the same way jin-hyung does.

baby dragons in my stomach and a seal in my throat.

it's weird.

i knew i wanted to kiss someone,

but the idea of kissing anyone else made me a little ill.

so.

big news, i guess.

jin-hyung kissed me yesterday.

remember?

the gibberish i wrote?

yeah.

i've had time to think about it now.

it's a little strange

joongi'll laugh at me if i tell him so...

i'm a little alone.

~yoon

(p.s. i put this on a shelf he won't check because he thinks i can't reach it. smart, huh?)

(𝓅.𝓅.𝓈. 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓈𝓂𝒶𝓇𝓉 𝑒𝓃𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽.)

(p.p.p.s shi-hi-hit)

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dear taehyung,

damn, three hundred days of this diary already and the only shit i've figured out is that i want to kiss jin-hyung's face off and that i'm not boy or girl.

it's odd to think about, you know, the idea of a 'fixed gender binary' because we - as humans - are the only one who've enforced that rule.

gay lions exist.

trans jellyfishes.

nonbinary butterflies, lobsters and birds.

beauty that super-straights don't recognize.

the world doesn't recognize.

the world doesn't recognize the beauty of people like me, who can dress how they want and do what the want without giving a fuck about gender.

doesn't even recognize the beauty of the art people etch into their skin, the names eternally enthroned in their biology.

doesn't even recognize the beauty of love, and all those who love, and all of love's different forms.

why can't Joongi get married?

why can't i?

why?

why do i feel like i feel love but also not?

why is it that henry looks at me in distaste when i wear a skirt?

will my eomeoni accept me if she found out i wear skirts and shortened my name and have always toed the 'line' between girl and boy? she probably won't.

you know, she has a husband now.

and a baby.

with my name.

she called her baby 'yoongi' as if i didn't exist.

she says she wants me to meet my baby brother and stepdad.

and 'maybe move back to daegu to live with us' to see seok again?

maybe.

but it would all just hurt too much.

seok would never judge my skirts.

never.

not like the people at school who finally figured out that yoonji doesn't exist.

you know that she wants me to visit?

my eomeoni.

and imo's trying to get me to go.

i really don't know.

summer break is coming up.

should i go?

~yoon

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dear taehyung,

this is crazy.

this is crazy.

this is fucking crazy.

he-

he- 

he found me on katalk.

he found me.

he's coming to seoul for a dance scholarship!

HE'S COMING!

~yoon

yes. i took the time to screenshot and print that.

thank god for bluetooth, honestly.

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dear taehyung,

seok and i have been texting nonstop since yesterday, and i think jin-hyung's getting a little jealous.

so i've been thinking.

"about what?" you ask.

about something hyung said at lunch.

"what did he say?"

he said: "what, do you have a boyfriend?"

and now i'm like, "was seok my boyfriend?"

i genuinely don't know.

and three hours of google searches later,

i'm still not quite sure but i have an answer.

i think.

google says that we were dating.

weird, huh.

but now i'm thinking about it...maybe...

cuz we went to this icecream place a lot, like super a lot,

and also this barbeque place,

and also this chinese place,

and sometimes, i'd go to his because he had a flatscreen, 

and we'd order in,

and watch avengers movies, and romance dramas, and cartoons,

until his eomma came home.

to the internet, those are dates.

and when we watched movies,

he'd roll me up,

so i looked like a roll of kimbap

and he'd cuddle me like that,

with his leg thrown over both of mine,

and his arms wrapped around me.

and sometimes, 

we would share the blanket,

and he would let me curl up in his lap,

to take up less space.

and sometimes,

we didn't cuddle at all,

and instead, 

we shared this size xxl hoodie he'd gotten at one of his eomma's swap meets.

we could both fit comfortably,

because i've always been small,

and he was really weedy, but definately not challenged in the height department.

hell,

he was the tallest kid in our grade for a year!

it was nice.

and we did, 

we did kiss,

a lot. 

lots of kisses.

and the internet says that you can't kiss your best friend.

i think i got a little angry when anyone else got super close with seok

like kwangjae from class 3

but seok thought he was greasy

so it was okay.

maybe we were dating...

oops.

wait-

if me and hyung

feel the same way...

OH FUCK.

ROMANTIC FEELINGS?!?!?

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

DO I STILL LIKE SEOK?

DO I WANT TO DATE HYUNG?

DOES JOONGI-HYUNG HAVE A BOYFRIEND???

wait,

that has no relevance here.

BUT DOES HE THOUGH???

DO YOU THINK IMO KNOWS ABOUT THE NEW LEATHER SKIRT??

THAT WOULD BE SCARY IF SHE DID.

OHHHHH FUCK

DO YOU THINK SHE KNOWS ABOUT THE THIGH HIGHS???

OR

OR

OR HYUNG'S ROSE-PATTERNED DOCS?

OR THE ARGUMENT I HAD WITH HIM?

OHHHHHHHH FUCK

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FFFFFFFUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK

*ralph from simpsons voice* "im in danger"

imo just called,

i think we're having bulgolgi tonight.

yisssssss.

okay, this is where i'm gonna end it.

good night.

~yoon

𝒽𝑒𝓎, 𝒾𝓉'𝓈 𝒿𝑜𝑜𝓃𝑔𝒾.
𝒾 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓀 𝒽𝑒'𝓈 𝑔𝑒𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒷𝑒𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓇.
𝒽𝑒'𝓈 𝒹𝑒𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓉𝑒𝓁𝓎 𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓅𝒾𝑒𝓇.
𝒾'𝓂 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓊𝒹 𝑜𝒻 𝒽𝒾𝓂.

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dear taehyung,

i'm in the bathroom right now because my social battery has hit zero and my mom is here and it's all weird, i'll tell you about that another time,

but!

hobi's hereeee!

there's a skate park in nowon that seokjin-hyung and i like to hang out at (even though we can't skate) that hobi lives right next to!7

even though he lives in nowon, he'll be going to our school!!

and in all honesty,

i was so scared that he and hyung would not hit it off at all,

but i was...pleasantly surprised.

hobi and hyung died at dad jokes, 

impressed each other with their ability (and lack of ability) to skate.

did you know hobi could skate? i didn't

then, hobi

the angel he is,

bought us milk shakes and jjajangmyeon which immediately got him in hyungs good books

and told us about what's been happening in daegu.

dowon, funnily enough, is gay,

and so is hobi

and their family is probably the most loving and accepting family in korea by far

and hobi's old neighbor was called taehyung too,

and he moved from a farm to the innercity to support a friend and ended up being scouted by a modelling agency

gosh.

hobi also wears skirts, 

and he came to the skate park in one,

which nearly got him beat up

but he punched someone in the gut who even tried

and carried on skating like the badass he's always been.

turns out he fell in love with dance over tennis, and honestly,

i'm not surprised

the amount of dancing he did,

i'm sure he knows all the choreography to every snsd song ever

he also somehow managed to teach jin-hyung how to skate a little which is a miracle in and of itself as i have never known anyone with less coordination

in short hobi's an angelic miracle worker who jin-hyung now loves as much as i do

and i'm still frustrated

and now gi-hyung's worried about me

gotta go, bye bye!

~yoon ;p

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dear taehyung,

i'm happy for them, but 

at the same time, i'm not.

all it took was a single summer, and hobi and jin-hyung fell for each other.

it wasn't supposed to go this way.

i feel like a whiney brat, bearing in mind i was the one who didn't give anyone a clear answer about my feelings.

i dunno.

when they told me, i just felt so betrayed and angry and sad.

is it because i'm not enough?

min yoon, you freaking idiot, it's because they like each other.

is it because i took too long?

you took your time to wait until you were ready. that doesn't mean that others had to wait for you.

all i wanted was to kiss seokjin-hyung, and maybe kiss hobi, but instead they're kissing each other.

im happy for them, but,

at the same time, i'm not.

stop being a whiney bastard, min yoon. it's their choice to be together.

i just want to be loved.

and they do love me.

so why do i feel like i've failed?

just, please, find me someone to love.

someone who will love me back, 

the way i am.

~min yoon

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dear taehyung,

everything sucks.

my mom and baby yoongi are staying at my house.

great.

she was kicked out by her old husband because she slept with his boss to get him a promotion or something like that.

sounds like her to be fair.

baby yoongi's great though! 

he's almost two, and he's always throwing up and falling over so i called him him woozi.

he's woozi-bear, and i'm his yoonie-hyung.

he's so cute.

he looks like me.

it's a little jarring to be honest, to have a mini-me who loves music too.

he sits with me on the spinny chair as i make beats and write raps with joongi-hyung.

and best of all, he doesn't cry a lot.

in fact, he's so chilled that for a while gi-hyung actually thought he was fake.

jin and hobi come over to help take care of woozi,

and they tried to teach him snsd choreo too, but that didn't quite work out.

he does love snsd though, and they love playing it, so all is good on that front.

and joongi revealed his boyfriend yesterday.

taiwanese guy called hsiang-something.

he's not as tall as gi-hyung is, but he's a lot taller than me.

he's sorta cool.

he's taught me some mandarin cusses, but i'm not gonna put them in here because you need all the space you can get.

and 

and 

and

jin-hyung'll be going to college soon, and that bothers me.

he says his first choice is snu, i think he'll get in.

so it's not the fact that he's going away that bothers me,

it's that he's going at the same time that hobi goes back to daegu.

hobi's not going back because he flunked out or anything,

it's just that dowon is leaving for america and they want him back for some stuff concerning that.

which is totally fair.

and i think he's coming back, which is even better, but i still don't want to be without them.

it's almost the end, tae.

maybe not for me, 

but of a stage of my life that i don't really want to end.

~ yoon

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dear jungkook,

it's been a log time since ive unearthed this diary. you've missed a lot :)

since ive been gone, seok and jin-hyung have moved in together, namjoon and i got our own place - no more renting! and gi-hyung finally got his bottom surgery AND his official gender changed.

i read through my letters to jimin and taehyung, and they make me cringe a little now, but honestly, its what kept me alive.

if i didn't have you, or your brothers, id definitely be long dead.

i realized a while ago that i was transfem, and im on track to start estrogen, and namjoon, and all my friends, are so supportive. im glad that they love me so much.

fuck, i love me so much.

its still hard to say it, and its harder still to feel it most of the time, but i like being myself now, which is always a win.

thank you for being here.

go live your life.

~ min yoon