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One step.
Just one step.
Forward or backward. One step is all it’d take.
All Jungkook has to do is lean either direction, the arch of his feet pushing him towards safety, or an icy attempt at peace. It could determine his fate. Whether he falls into the cold, flowing river many feet below him. Whether he takes a step back and returns to the safety of the concrete pedestrian bridge behind him.
He stares out at the flickering city lights in the distance, most of the lamp posts in his vicinity much darker so late at night. No , morning . 2 A.M. to be exact. His feet had carried him to the bridge like muscle memory, his mind quiet, minus the sound of gravel under his shoes and the wind winding down the sidewalk, dancing around his shaking frame as he’d put one foot in front of the other.
Standing here now, the cement wall under his feet, cold seeping through his shoes, his mind feels calmer than it has in months. He finds all thoughts drift away, trickling down his spine, through his chest, falling into the soles of his feet like rocks weighing him down. With the sound of water rushing below him, the wind brushing past his body in soft gusts, and the full moon offering light in the otherwise dark surroundings…
The quiet comforts Jungkook. For once, his thoughts have finally settled, his body still and unwavering. He supposes he’s been waiting. Waiting for this day to finally come, for him to come to the conclusion with both body and mind. This is where I should be. Where I can finally find peace for myself. He finds himself looking at his planted feet, so close to the edge, the tips of his toes already extended past it.
One more step.
He closes his eyes, the darkness of his closed eyelids welcoming, despite the already dim surroundings. He’s gonna do it. One step. Then he’d be free.
He breathes softly, no harsh intake, no deep inhale. Just calm. Will it feel like flying? For just a moment...will he feel okay? He feels his body begin to sag, ready to take the pain and let it fall to the icy depths with him, breaking free as he hits the surface.
Three...
Two…
One…
He leans slightly forward, ready to fall. Yet, his body falls backward.
No, it’s pulled backward. He tumbles with a hoarse cry, his legs unprotecting as he lands hard on his ass, the concrete sending a jolt of pain through his tailbone and lower back. He sits stunned for a moment, the turn of events confusing to his tired mind. The pain sends tears to his eyes involuntarily, but he blinks them away as he starts to notice the hand gripping his jacket tight, the person standing above his right shoulder.
His brain scrambles to keep up, he’d already made up his mind. He feels numb, the pain from the fall ebbing away. There’s hands on his back, his arm, keeping him firmly planted on the ground. Jungkook gazes up hazily, finding a blonde-haired boy with flushed cheeks and wide eyes. Scared. If he wasn’t consumed with the need to end it all, Jungkook might say the other is beautiful.
“Please…” The blonde whispers, the word coming out breathless, but also high-pitched and smooth. “Fuck, don’t...why--” The hand on his jacket sleeve grasps tighter. “Why were you--?”
Jungkook watches the other’s eyes moisten, tears shining on his lids as they begin to slip down his pale cheeks, clear tracks shining in the moonlight. The small hands on his body send warmth through the thin jacket Jungkook is wearing, the touch transferring heat through the blonde’s fingertips and into his cold skin.
“Please tell me you weren’t…” The blonde’s voice cuts off as his throat restricts, and a weak, but prominent guilt spreads through Jungkook. He has to look away from the pair of pleading, red-rimmed eyes. He stares at a point in the distance, exhausted. Exhausted knowing that no matter what he does, no one gives a shit about him. Exhausted knowing he’d pushed himself away from those he loved, who loved him, but now want nothing to do with him. He’ll always be alone because no one wants to - no one should be - around him when all he does is bring people down, hurt them, leave them, his soul always searching for something, some way out of this black hole he’s created in himself. And yet...what’s the point in trying to fix what’s already broken?
Jungkook’s lost the strength to try anymore.
“Hey,” the blonde’s talking again, voice raspy, “are you alright?” Jungkook blinks once, his eyes peer up at the other man. No, I’m not. Far from it . He stays silent and the other takes the lack of response as one in itself.
“Well, I’ve got you now...” The hand on his back unclenches from his jacket and Jungkook finds the arms wrapping around him instead. “It’s okay, you’ll be okay.” Jungkook pauses, doesn’t know what to do, brain slow and muddled in the haze of his thoughts, like dense fog.
The man’s chin is resting on his shoulder, arms around his middle, body heat steadily flowing through Jungkook as he’s held by the stranger. His body makes a noise and he realizes how tight his throat has become all of a sudden. The other man holds him tighter, rubbing a hand up and down his back. Jungkook feels something wet fall down his cheeks as his mouth turns down in an ugly shape. He lets out another noise, distorted, and it catches in his throat.
“It’s gonna be okay, I promise.” The blonde whispers in his ear, as he nods against Jungkook’s shoulder, as if to reassure both of them. Jungkook wraps his arms around the man’s small waist, clenching his fists in the blonde’s black jumper. He lets more painful, choking sobs fall from his lips, body shaking in the other man’s arms. Heart clenching, he grasps onto the blonde like a lifeline, desperate for someone to pull him back, keep him from being tugged under water, away from the edge he’d so desperately wanted just moments before. And yet, I don't wanna let go, I don’t wanna die, Jungkook thinks.
“I- I need help.” He cries out into this man’s shoulder, his nose running as he buries his face against the man’s collarbone, sharp and hitching breaths puffing out against his neck. Jungkook's fingers grasp ever tighter. The blonde moves a hand to Jungkook’s hair, softly running his fingers through the crying boy’s black strands, moving down to rub at the nape of his neck.
“Shh, I’ve got you, darling.” Jungkook feels the touch and leans into it, yearns for more. When’s the last time I’ve been touched? Held?
“Please-, please don’t leave me.” He whispers, voice cracking as his grip grows ever tighter, and the blonde shakes his head.
“I’m not, I’m not.”
Jungkook lets out a soft whimper, body still trembling from the night’s events, the chill of the wind raising goosebumps beneath his clothes.
“I-, I don’t wanna be alone.” He admits, throat seizing and the blonde ceases his motions in Jungkook’s hair. Pulling Jungkook’s distraught face from its resting spot against his neck, the blonde holds him upright, wiping the boy’s tears with the pads of his thumbs. He moves and rests his warm palms on Jungkook’s thigh and opposite kneecap (the rip in his jeans giving their skin contact). Warmth, like the glow of the sun in the early morning, flows through Jungkook, spreading from the hands on his legs, up into his stomach and down to his feet.
“You’re not alone, sweetheart, I’m here .” The blonde tells him, heart crumpling at the sight of this beautiful, but hurting stranger in his arms. How can he think this is the solution? That the only way to save himself is to do the exact opposite? He gives the black-haired boy a soft, encouraging smile.
“What’s your name, hm?” The blonde waits patiently, squeezing Jungkook’s knee through his black ripped jeans.
Eventually his voice stutters out, “...Jungkook.”
Jimin nods, his blonde wavy hair slightly bouncing from the motion. “I’m Jimin.”
Jungkook unclenches his hand from its tight grip on Jimin’s jumper, flexing his stiff fingers before resting them in his lap. His gaze lowers as he notices the closeness of their bodies resulting from the intense minutes that have passed. And the touch, Jimin’s touch... he can't get enough.
“I-” He tries to find words. All he can come up with is a quiet, “thank you, Jimin.”
He feels the other man’s touch - warm, bright - flow through his body as Jimin nods, gently stroking the exposed skin of his knee before taking one of Jungkook’s hands in both of his. Jungkook glances up at the touch.
“I’m glad I found you, Jungkook.” The blonde's voice sounds raspy again. “Is there anyone I can call? I want to make sure you get home safe.” Jimin’s eyes shine with care and concern in the pale moonlight.
“No...It’s just me.” Jungkook whispers, ashamed for a reason he doesn’t really understand. The worry and concern that Jimin’s gaze holds has Jungkook looking back down to their entwined hands. Anywhere but those large, chocolate brown eyes.
“Fuck, Kook,” the nickname falls off his tongue so easily, like they’ve known each other for years, “you’re, you’ve been alone..?” Jimin’s concerned voice sits heavy in Jungkook’s stomach, and he finds he likes how the nickname rolls off Jimin’s tongue.
“For how long?” Jungkook shrugs.
“My parents left a long time ago. No one seems to stick around me very long, so I sorta gave up trying to find new people.” He swallows the lump beginning to form in his throat. “I hurt the people I loved and I can’t undo it.” His voice trembles for the second time that night before drifting off.
“Jungkook-”
“People get close to me and all I do is hurt them.”
He’s reminded of a black hole, his presence plucking away all the beautiful, bright stars from space until they disappear, dragged into the darkness of his soul, caught in the void of his broken, trampled heart.
“Hey, no no no, sweetheart look at me,” Jimin’s heart aches as he holds Jungkook’s face again, forcing his tearful, red-rimmed eyes to look up at him. The black-haired boy looks so close to collapsing, so much doubt and pain and exhaustion weighing on his heart.
“You’re so strong, Jungkook, and I’m sorry that you’ve had to struggle alone for so long, but I won’t leave you. What you’ve told me today proves that you’re hurting, but that you’re not ready to give up just yet. It probably feels like everything’s weighing on you and you’re struggling to even take a breath.” Jimin pauses to press a gentle kiss to Jungkook’s smooth hair, eyes fluttering shut. “But I promise it will get better and you will make it out of this.” He moves his fingers around Jungkook’s neck, holding him firmly.
“I’m so thankful for you, darling."
A second wave of cries - softer this time - escape Jungkook’s throat in short gasps at the words. He realizes: Jimin wants to stay.
“Jimin, I-“ He struggles to find words sufficient enough for the multitude of emotions he’s feeling right now. “Are you...?” Jungkook squeezes the other man’s hand just a bit tighter, hoping.
“I want to help you, Jungkook. Not out of pity, I’m finding it hard to understand myself. I just...I feel so comfortable with you, like I was meant to find you, meant to keep you from doing what you were about to do. I know it doesn’t make any sense but I want to be there for you. Help you through this and help you find that life isn’t so bad, even when it feels like that’s all it is. I want you to find your light, Jungkook. I want you to find it.”
Jungkook thinks he might have already.
He sits stunned, tears slipping down his cheeks and jaw, tickling his skin, but he doesn't move to wipe them.
“Is that...okay?” Jimin’s eyes are questioning, like he’s hesitant to hear Jungkook’s answer.
“Yeah, it’s okay.” Jungkook says. “It’s good.” The smile his answer brings to Jimin’s face is worth it, makes his chest feel a little lighter.
Light, he thinks. Jimin is light, in every form. Every twinkle of the distant city, every starry constellation, every blinking lightning bug, every glowing sunrise.
Jimin speaks in a hushed, comical voice. “We've been here a while, huh? We should probably get up, unless we want our asses to freeze from the concrete.” The blonde untangles himself from Jungkook and the black-haired man realizes he’s stiff from sitting for so long. Jimin is the first to stand, reaching out to Jungkook. Jungkook takes his hand and is pulled up. His body is tired and he gives a short yelp as his legs buckle, having not moved for a while. Before he’s even close to the ground, Jimin has his arms securely wrapped around his back and waist, pulling him close to keep him standing.
“Fuck, Jungkookie?” Jungkook holds weakly onto Jimin’s shoulders, his head resting in the blonde’s junction of neck and collarbone once more. He can feel the other’s small but firm hands on his waist, Jimin’s ever-present warmth filling Jungkook with the desire to sleep, to burrow under a heap of soft, warm blankets and let his brain power down.
“‘m okay. Jus’ really tired.” Jungkook sighs against Jimin’s neck, the other’s grip tightening around his small, black-clad frame.
“Okay, Kook. Don’t fall asleep just yet, I gotta get you home first.” Jimin says, helping the younger stand better on his own two feet. He wraps one of Jungkook’s arms around his shoulders, while one arm stays snug around Jungkook’s waist, their hands reaching for contact before staying connected near his hip.
“C’mon, sweetheart. I’ll drive you home.”
The two men start to shuffle across the bridge, headed towards where Jimin had stood when he’d first seen Jungkook about to jump. He’d come here to clear his head after waking from a nightmare filled with glimpses of sad brown eyes and dark flowing water. They walk away from the grimmer of Jungkook’s possible outcomes this night, and Jimin thanks whatever higher power brought him to this place at the right time. Maybe with Jimin’s care and support, Jungkook can find peace. Some sort of healing. Jimin presses a soft kiss to Jungkook’s hair as they walk, singing quietly to the other.
“I suddenly think, do you really know you?
Do you know how pretty your existence is?
I'll linger around you, I'll be by your side
I'll be your light, all for you.”
^^
문득 생각해 너는 널 정말 알고 있을까
네 존재가 얼마나 예쁜지 너 알고 있을까
네 주위를 맴돌게 네 곁에 있어 줄게
네 빛이 되어 줄게 all for you
[Moon - Jin]