Archive of Our Own

Back then, I was cruel because I didn't know
If it would be good, if it would be right
That I liked you
-"Sad Kids," Taemin

Hyunjin is exhausted and putting together a comfort (read: unhealthy and cheap) meal in his cramped apartment when he gets a call from Felix.

“HYUNJIN!” Felix screams into Hyunjin’s ear, with little regard to Hyunjin’s future ability to hear. “SHE SAID YES!”

It takes Hyunjin a second longer than is really socially acceptable to register what Felix means, but the moment he does, he feels happier, lighter, the previous exhaustion wiped away. “Oh my gosh, Lixie, congratulations! Not that there was any way she was going to say no, but that’s awesome!”

“Thanks, man,” Felix replies, and Hyunjin can hear the smile in Felix’s voice. “Thanks for brainstorming the proposal idea with me.”

“No problem,” Hyunjin says, and he means it.

“I was also calling to ask you—will you be my groomsman?”

That was never a question for Hyunjin. “Of course!” Then a pause. “Where’s the wedding going to be?”

Hyunjin isn't sure if he’s imagining it, but Felix seems somewhat fidgety. “Charleston! That’s where she’s from, and the city has a fun vibe—I read an article that it could be the new Austin!”

“Felix,” Hyunjin groans. “You know my broke ass is going to have a hard time affording plane tickets from New York to Charleston! I don’t even have a car!”

“I know!” Felix replies brightly. “Luckily, one of my good friends who also agreed to be my photographer for the wedding wants to road trip down from New York City to Charleston, and I convinced him to take you along for the ride! He said you can just chip in what you can for the gas and lodging, since he was going to drive down anyway by himself.”

The clues were strewn around everywhere—photographer, New York City, the use of the word convince. The deal was too good to be true, but Hyunjin, who made it a habit not to look a gift horse in the mouth, stumbled right into the trap.

“Oh cool, what’s his name?” Hyunjin asks.

“Seungmin Kim!”

Fuck Felix.

When Hyunjin hangs up the phone, he feels like he has a headache coming on. Felix plays innocent on the call, but Hyunjin has known Felix long enough to see through the act. Figured Felix would try to use his own wedding to push for a reconciliation between two of his closest friends, the pacifist. Felix never complains about it, exactly, but Hyunjin knows it’s been a delicate balancing act for him to remain close to both of them.

Hyunjin never would have suspected that Felix even knew that they had Seungmin as a mutual…acquaintance if it wasn’t for Felix having too much to drink at a party a couple months into their first year in college. Felix had given Hyunjin a strange look when they had first met, but Hyunjin had brushed it off as him being too self-conscious. Sadly, his doubts were confirmed when Felix had excitedly slung an arm around him. “You’re not so bad, Hyunjin Hwang,” Felix had slurred. “Seungmin warned me about you when he found out I was going to Cornell. I wasn’t sure we would-hic-even cross paths, let alone become friends, but I’m glad I didn’t listen to him!” Hyunjin remembers the way his stomach dropped and the hairs on his neck stood on end at the mention of Seungmin.

Hyunjin wonders if even now Felix knows exactly what went down between him and Seungmin. Ashamed, he’s never broached the topic, and Felix has never asked. Hyunjin somehow imagines Felix doesn’t know, otherwise they wouldn’t be so close, or maybe Hyunjin is the unworthy benefactor of Felix’s boundless optimism and empathy.

At any rate, Hyunjin is stuck. He basically lives paycheck to paycheck as an interior designer in Brooklyn, making enough to cover basic necessities and not much else. The offer to chip in what he can on the road trip versus splurging on a plane ticket is irresistible.

Hyunjin frowns, unsure why Seungmin is being so generous towards him. Hyunjin pictures the combination of pity and detachedness Seungmin probably feels towards him and winces involuntarily.

At that (inopportune) moment, Hyunjin’s phone beeps with a text message. “No rush, but here’s Seungmin’s number when you want to touch base with him!” Felix has texted. Hyunjin groans.

Hyunjin makes the trek to Queens to visit his parents. Actually, the three of them—Hyunjin, Felix, and Seungmin—all grew up in Flushing. Hyunjin and Seungmin were family friends, and Felix and Seungmin, Hyunjin later discovered, were in a baseball league together (knowing Seungmin, it figured).

Hyunjin hums while savoring his mom’s home-cooked meal, glad to be able to mooch off of his parents. Offhandedly, he tells his mom, “Felix is engaged!”

His mom turns to him and smiles brightly. She pretends otherwise, but Hyunjin is convinced she would trade Hyunjin for Felix as a son without even batting an eye. “That’s wonderful!”

“He asked me to be his groomsman, too!”

His mom asks, “Where’s the wedding?”

“Charlesfon,” Hyunjin mumbles around a bite of food. His mom rolls her eyes in disgust.

“How are you planning to get there? Do you need us to cover the price of the plane ticket?”

God, Hyunjin thinks, how embarrassing would it be for his parents to cover his expenses like he was still a college student? He’s not doing well financially, but even he’s not that desperate. “No, actually, Felix set me up with one of his friends who is planning to road trip from the city down to Charleston.”

“Who?” his mom asks. “Do I know this friend?”

“It’s actually Seungmin,” Hyunjin whispers, half-hoping his mom doesn’t hear. His mom never talked to him about it, but Hyunjin got a sense that the falling out between him and Seungmin had put a strain on his parents’ relationships with Seungmin’s parents. From what he can tell, though, they managed to overcome it. Sometimes, it feels like everyone is still in contact with Seungmin except for Hyunjin himself.

Hyunjin isn’t so lucky. “Seungmin, huh?” his mom says.

They’ve made it an unspoken policy not to talk about Seungmin, but if Hyunjin has to be stuck on a four-day minimum road trip with the guy, he might as well bring himself up to speed with what Seungmin has been up to.

“How—how is he?” Hyunjin is restless, the words feeling foreign on his tongue.

His mom looks surprised that he’s decided to ask after all these years. “After graduating from Harvard, he went to Yale for law school. He’s a prosecutor now for Manhattan.”

Scratch that, Hyunjin didn’t really want to know. Figured that Seungmin would collect Ivy League schools like Halloween candy and became a prosecutor, just like he had planned.

“That sounds like Seungmin,” Hyunjin tries to joke. “I’m surprised you haven’t tried to weaponize him before when telling me what all your friends’ children are doing!”

His mom gives him a Look. “I hope we can trust you to play nice this time, Hyunjinnie,” she says, and Hyunjin grimaces. “His mom says he works too hard, the last thing he needs is you giving him trouble.”

His mom floats out of the dining room faster than Hyunjin can ask, “Whose side are you on, anyway?”

Hyunjin’s days blur together monotonously, filled with difficult vendors and even more difficult clients. He occasionally goes out to a bar or a nightclub and spends the night with strangers he never meets again. He’s getting a little old for this lifestyle, but he’s never known anything else. Before he realizes it, it’s about a month before Felix’s wedding.

Begrudgingly, Hyunjin finally texts the number Felix sent him. He agonizes over what to write in the message—how do you casually say hello to an old friend that you made an enemy out of?—but settles with “Hi, this is Hyunjin! Felix gave me your number to sort out the logistics for the road trip.”

Hyunjin bites his nail, on edge as he waits for the reply.

It doesn’t come after a minute, five minutes, ten minutes, or even fifteen minutes. Hyunjin sighs. Maybe Seungmin is busy, maybe he isn’t glued to his phone the way Hyunjin is.

Hyunjin putters around his apartment, unable to focus on anything while waiting for the reply. He settles for scrolling through pictures of Kkami and jumps a foot in the air when his phone beeps.

“Hello Hyunjin,” the text reads. “I got your apartment address from my mom, who got it from your mom. I’ll meet you at your apartment the Sunday before the wedding at 7 AM sharp. Please text me if you have any questions, otherwise, I’ll see you then.”

Hyunjin frowns to himself. The text is formal, detached, and to the point. Hyunjin can tell Seungmin has done just about all he can to avoid a text exchange, using the Korean mother network to get Hyunjin’s address rather than asking Hyunjin himself, closing the message with a sentence that doesn’t really encourage any chit-chat. Hyunjin deserves it, he supposes, although that doesn’t mean he dreads the trip any less.

Finally, doomsday comes. Hyunjin isn’t exactly sure why he does it, but he dresses up for the occasion, wearing a flowy white blouse with a deep V and black skinny jeans that he knows makes his ass look good.

Seungmin is waiting in his car, wearing a navy windbreaker over a simple tee and medium wash straight jeans that are unfashionable enough to be fashionable. The thick, retro glasses frames make Seungmin look even more like a dad from the 90s. “Still like to dress like an ahjussi, I see,” Hyunjin grins as he climbs into his car.

Seungmin looks at Hyunjin like he’s grown another head. Hyunjin regrets what he said immediately, the familiarity incongruent with their current relationship. Seungmin glances over at Hyunjin. “At least I’m dressed for a road trip, not the runway. It’s called being dressed appropriately for the occasion, Hyunjin,” Seungmin responds, his tone clipped.

Hyunjin isn't about to go down without a fight. “Hey, who knows who I might meet during this road trip!”

Seungmin rolls his eyes. “I’m doing this as a favor for Felix, you best believe if you shack up with someone and don’t show up on time when I am planning to leave, I will not hesitate to drive down to Charleston without you.”

The car falls silent as Seungmin pulls away from Hyunjin’s apartment. The two of them sit in tense silence as Seungmin drives. Eventually, Seungmin asks, “Do you want to take over the aux cord?” Hyunjin shakes his head; Seungmin is already doing Hyunjin a huge favor. Seungmin shrugs. “Suit yourself,” Seungmin replies and starts playing Day6.

Hyunjin feels his heart twist in his chest with something like remorse and nostalgia. Seungmin had loved Day6 for as long as Hyunjin had known him. Apparently, some things, like Seungmin’s diligence, preponderance for looking like he raided his dad’s closet, and love of Day6 haven’t changed.

Seungmin starts humming along to the song, then stops suddenly. Hyunjin can’t help but think that it’s because he doesn’t feel comfortable enough singing around Hyunjin, which is a pity because Hyunjin knows for a fact that Seungmin has a lovely singing voice. Hyunjin pretends he doesn’t mind the distance between their hearts.

The silence is getting to be suffocating. Hyunjin still doesn’t really know where they stand, but he tries to make light conversation anyway. “What made you decide to road trip it down to Charleston?”

Seungmin looks perplexed by the question. “I’ve been busy with work, and I haven’t taken a vacation in a while. I figured I would make a trip out of Felix’s wedding. Speaking of which, we’re passing through Philadelphia right now.”

To Hyunjin’s surprise, Seungmin’s itinerary in Philadelphia is rather exotic. Seungmin assures Hyunjin that they won’t be spending that much time in the city and whisks Hyunjin away to The Dream Garden mural. Hyunjin can tell that Seungmin is enjoying himself photographing the piece, and Hyunjin himself is pretty in awe of it himself. Hyunjin is familiar with it through his studies in interior design, but he had never had a chance to see it in person. Hyunjin hums to himself and takes some notes on his phone about some possible design ideas once he returns to the city.

Next, they go to Rosenbach of the Free Library of Philadelphia, and even though it’s been years since Hyunjin has spent any time with Seungmin, he can tell that Seungmin is nerding out over the gems in the collection like the manuscript for Ulysses and the notes for Dracula. Seungmin is beaming, animatedly asking the tour guide questions about the collection, his vast knowledge of literature on display. Hyunjin can’t help but feel endeared before he catches himself. He’s not allowed to feel endeared towards Seungmin anymore.

They clamber back into the car and make another stop in DC. Seungmin has a field day taking pictures of the National Mall, the Peacock Room in the Sackler Art Gallery, and the lotuses at the Kenilworth Aquatic Gardens. The further south they travel, the more the tension Seungmin seems to be holding in his posture melts away.

They stop by to get lunch. Seungmin seems content to continue the charade of basically going on a solo vacation with Hyunjin as an invisible, mute hanger-on, but Hyunjin’s curiosity and impulsivity gets the better of him.

“Why’d you agree to drive me down to Charleston? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful, but I’m just wondering given our…our history.”

Seungmin pushes up the bridge of his glasses and peers over at Hyunjin owlishly. “Like I told Felix, I was going to make the trip anyway, so it wasn’t too much trouble. Felix was pleased of course,” Seungmin snorts. Hyunjin snorts in agreement, and they have a look of mutual understanding at Felix’s machinations to reconcile his friends. “Anyway, my mom would probably kill me for not helping you out.” Hyunjin wonders how much he should read into that.

“How…how should I act around you?” Hyunjin asks.

Seungmin shrugs. “I suppose for Felix’s sake we should try to get along with one another. You can treat me like a friend of a friend you’ve just met. I basically am, anyway.” Seungmin stands up to throw away their trash, courteous as always, and motions Hyunjin to follow. Hyunjin tries to ignore the twinge of regret.

It’s easier said than done to treat Seungmin like a friend of a friend he’s just met. At every turn, Hyunjin feels tempted to fall into old patterns with Seungmin.

It’s been a little over a decade since Hyunjin has spent time with Seungmin, but Seungmin still has the same dry wit and random bouts of hyper 4D personality. Hyunjin wants to tease Seungmin and see his crescent eye smile and puppy-like smile, but he knows he lost that privilege a long time ago. Even though Hyunjin is throwing his head back in laughter at the incisive observations in Seungmin’s anecdotes, like the one about his arch-nemesis, a pretentious lawyer with poor dental hygiene, he can feel that Seungmin is holding himself back, and he wishes Seungmin still trusted him fully.

Before they know it, they’ve reached Virginia Beach. They scramble out of the car, and Seungmin grabs his camera out of the backseat. Hyunjin can tell that Seungmin is enjoying himself studying the various shades of blue of the ocean, the shutter of his camera clicking continuously.

Hyunjin knows he’s pushing his luck, but he’s always been a bit stupid and spontaneous. “Seungmin, could you take a picture of me?” He hands Seungmin his phone.

Seungmin pauses. Hyunjin can tell Seungmin is debating the repercussions if he said no, and Hyunjin can tell the exact moment that Seungmin seems to think to himself, whatever, screw it, it’s not that big of a deal by the way Seungmin unfurrows his brow. Seungmin shrugs and tells Hyunjin to get ready for the picture. After taking a couple, he hands the phone back to Hyunjin.

Hyunjin looks at the photos. They’re beautiful, of course, Seungmin was already a good photographer as a preteen and he’s only gotten better. What made Seungmin a talented photographer wasn’t just his skill with the technical aspects of photography, like composition or lighting, but also the way he seemed to capture the personalities of his subjects. Seungmin has depicted the combination of bravado, ennui, and insecurity Hyunjin has been feeling at this stage of his life. Hyunjin feels a little self-conscious that Seungmin has gazed so deeply into his soul.

“Thanks,” he tells Seungmin. Seungmin shakes his head, as if to say, no thanks need to be said. Seungmin returns to taking photos of the ocean.

They had taken a bit of a detour to get to Virginia Beach, so Seungmin drives them to Richmond, where they’re staying for the night. During the drive, Seungmin seems to be slowly warming up to Hyunjin, which is why it throws Hyunjin off guard that once they’ve gotten takeout from a local restaurant, Seungmin tells Hyunjin that he’s going to go to a nearby park to eat dinner. It’s clear based on Seungmin’s tone that this is a notification, not an invitation. Hyunjin lets him go, figuring that that they have spent the whole day together, and perhaps it would be good for them both to get some time alone.

Hyunjin showers, then settles in his bed to eat dinner. Unexpectedly, he’s more tired than he realized from the early morning and the whirlwind trip, so he washes up after dinner and climbs back into bed, turning off all the lights except one so Seungmin doesn’t trip whenever he comes back from the park—which, strangely, he still hasn’t.

Hyunjin chalks it up to the odd day—spending time with Seungmin, of all people, after more than a decade apart—that he lets his mind wander.

Their parents were family friends and were overjoyed when they realized that their sons were close in age. Thus began years of playdates. You could hardly imagine two children more different in temperament—if it wasn’t for this parental connection, it was difficult to imagine their paths crossing at all. Even as a child, Seungmin was curious, even-tempered, and deliberate, whereas Hyunjin was effusive, expressive, and spontaneous.

Seungmin was always there, a constant in Hyunjin’s life. Seungmin was there to help Hyunjin with his homework, there to play Super Smash Brothers together, there to hold Hyunjin’s hand whenever Hyunjin’s emotions got the better of him.

Though they both lived in the same school district, they attended different elementary and middle schools. They were zoned to attend the same high school, though, and Hyunjin can still remember the excitement on Seungmin’s face as he planned all the adventures they’d go on together now that they were finally attending the same school.

Hyunjin squeezes his eyes tight as he remembers the fateful first day of high school. Hyunjin had agreed to meet Seungmin for recess and had just started to say hello to Seungmin when he heard the loud voices of his friends.

“Look at that nerd! Hey, you! Who wears khakis anymore? What did you do, raid your great-grandfather’s trunk? What a faggot!” Seungmin frowns and he sighs, as if this isn’t the first time.

Hyunjin turns around to see his friends approaching them. The ringleader of his group of friends looks surprised to see Hyunjin and jerks his thumb delinquently towards Seungmin. “Hyunjin, do you know this guy?”

Hyunjin steps backwards. “I have no idea who he is. Looks like a loser, though.”

Even today, the way his friends laughed like hyenas rings in Hyunjin’s ears. Seungmin’s expression then—flitting in quick succession from hurt, then betrayal, then anger, then defiance—is burned behind Hyunjin’s eyelids.

It’s been more than ten years, but even now Hyunjin wants to throw up when he thinks of it.

Hyunjin had tried to mend their relationship—outside of school, away from his friends’ judgmental stares, like the coward he was—but Seungmin, understandably, wasn’t interested. He remembers the fiery spark in Seungmin’s eyes as he threw back, “Why would you want to be associated with a nerd, a loser? You have a reputation to maintain, Hyunjin Hwang.”

It was true. Hyunjin did have a reputation to maintain. Hyunjin was handsome and therefore popular, upholding his popular status by allying himself with the other popular students, who ruled the student body through fear and terror. Hyunjin knew he was hanging out with the wrong crowd, but at that age Hyunjin had started having an inkling that he wasn’t exactly straight, and in the context of the toxic food chain of school and the misguided logic of teenagehood, he hid his shame for being different and his fear of being found out by protecting himself through harassment of students who were braver than he by living their lives more authentically.

With the benefit of hindsight, Hyunjin knows that The Seungmin Episode was the catalyst for the dissolution of his relationship with his friends. They had begun drifting apart as they progressed through high school and Hyunjin started getting more serious about his studies, and he stopped talking to them entirely after graduation.

By then, it was too late to save his relationship with Seungmin, though.

Hyunjin doesn’t even realize he’s crying until he hears the hotel room door click open. Quickly, he buries his face in his pillows, hoping Seungmin doesn’t notice.

“HYUNJIN! HYUNJIN, WAKE UP! Jesus, you’re still impossible to wake up in the mornings.” Hyunjin feels someone shaking his shoulders, and he opens his eyes to find himself face to face with Seungmin.

Hyunjin feels his breath hitch and he aches, remembering all the times they had done this before when they had sleepovers together as children. Seungmin grew up well, Hyunjin thinks. He looks handsome, though slightly haggard. His coffee brown eyes are kind, though Hyunjin doesn’t like the look of the grey, splotchy hue of the skin pulled taut under Seungmin’s eyes, the underlying vessels visible. His cheekbones are also very prominent, his cheeks appearing somewhat sunken. Hyunjin recalls his mom recounting that Seungmin’s mother was complaining that Seungmin was working too hard.

Hyunjin watches all of his memories with Seungmin passing before his eyes like a kaleidoscope. Seungmin tutoring him in English and math. Seungmin letting Hyunjin win at Smash after Hyunjin kept whining that he was losing. Seungmin holding his hand when Hyunjin had scraped his knee after falling off a tricycle and Hyunjin was crying inconsolably. Seungmin holding his hand when Kkomi had died. Seungmin singing a lullaby when Hyunjin couldn’t sleep. Seungmin, Seungmin, Seungmin.

Hyunjin was an idiot to let him go, he knows. Even after all these years, he’s never found someone who understood and accepted him as unconditionally as Seungmin did. Hyunjin always knew he loved Seungmin as a friend, but in this crystallizing moment, lost in the past, Hyunjin admits to himself the truth he was trying to run away from for so long—back then, when he was fourteen, young, and stupid, he was more than halfway in love with his best friend. Based on the way his heart is thumping in his chest, he hasn’t completely kicked the habit either, more than ten years later.

Hyunjin wonders if Seungmin is thinking about the past, too. Seungmin breaks the moment, though, turning away from Hyunjin. “Good, you’re awake. Now get ready before I decide that I’m going to drive to Charleston without you.”

“You don’t have a mean bone in your body, Minnie, you wouldn’t do that,” Hyunjin says, more to himself than Seungmin.

Seungmin whips around at the sound of his old nickname. Hyunjin can’t read the expression on his face, which is unexpected because he used to be able to read all of Seungmin’s moods. “You’ve got thirty minutes to find out if I’m serious,” Seungmin finally says.

Hyunjin is fairly certain that Seungmin isn’t serious, but he gets ready under thirty minutes just in case. Befitting his melancholy mood, he grabs his Cornell sweatshirt and grey sweatpants.

Seungmin looks surprised that Hyunjin isn’t dressing up today, but he doesn’t comment. Hyunjin is usually fairly talkative for an introvert, but he can’t stomach the effort today. Luckily, Seungmin just lets him wallow, not forcing a conversation on him.

They’re driving straight to Charleston today. Hyunjin looks over at Seungmin. Seungmin’s lips are pursed the way he does when he’s concentrating. Hyunjin feels guilty that Seungmin is doing all the driving, but yesterday when he had offered Seungmin had just snorted and said he wasn’t about to risk his driver’s insurance.

They continue like this, in a cocoon of quiet, all the way to Charleston.

Finally, they arrive at the hotel that Felix had reserved for his guests. Seungmin had asked Hyunjin to text Felix when they were five minutes away, so when they pull up to the front entrance of the hotel, Felix is waiting for them with a gigantic grin on his face.

“Seungmin, Hyunjin! You didn’t kill each other!”

Seungmin rolls his eyes fondly. “I wasn’t about to murder one of your groomsmen before the wedding, Felix. I wouldn’t do that to you. I make no promises about the drive back up, though.”

Hyunjin feels envious as he observes the way Seungmin’s face lights up when he sees Felix and when Felix pulls him into a tight hug. “Did you have a good trip?” Felix asks. “You work too damn hard; you need to take more time for yourself.” Seungmin fishes his camera from the backseat and starts talking animatedly to Felix about all the sites they visited as he shows Felix the pictures.

“And you!” Felix turns to Hyunjin. Hyunjin can see the way Felix frowns imperceptibly as he takes in Hyunjin’s outfit. Felix knows Hyunjin well enough to know that Hyunjin dresses for his moods, and if he’s pulling out the Cornell sweater…well. Felix decides not to pursue it though and puts his arm around both friends. “Let’s get you both settled in your room and then grab lunch! You two are the last to arrive!”

Seungmin narrows his eyes at Felix. “Our room, singular?”

Felix had assured them that their hotel arrangements for the wedding were taken care of and that they didn’t need to worry. “Yes, I put the two of you in the same room. You don’t mind, right?”

If looks could kill, Felix would be dead from the glare Seungmin sends his way. Felix blithely ignores it.

Lunch is a raucous affair. Felix’s fraternity big, Chris Bang, is there, as well as Hyunjin’s college best friend, Jisung Han, and some other guys. Seungmin fits in seamlessly with the guys, many of whom are Hyunjin and Felix’s mutual friends, and for the first time Hyunjin gets the sneaking suspicion that Seungmin has hung out with Hyunjin’s friends before without Hyunjin.

After lunch, Felix and Seungmin break off to talk about the logistics of photographing the event. Jisung slouches down next to Hyunjin on a couch in the lobby.

“So, Seungmin,” Jisung starts. Hyunjin shakes his head, and for once in his life, Jisung takes the hint. Picking up Hyunjin’s untalkative mood, Jisung talks Hyunjin’s ear off about the natural history section of the Charleston Museum. Hyunjin loses himself in the pleasant buzz of Jisung’s voice.

They spend the afternoon rehearsing the ceremony and convene at a fancy restaurant for the rehearsal dinner. Hyunjin observes as Felix forcibly tells Seungmin to sit. Seungmin shakes his head, insisting that he has to capture the rehearsal dinner, but Felix perseveres. Seungmin finally relents, and Hyunjin is glad that Felix is making sure that Seungmin is taking care of himself. Seungmin did always have the bad habit of taking care of others before himself.

The evening passes by agreeably, and Hyunjin makes it back to his hotel room in a languid haze. Hyunjin had enough to drink at the rehearsal dinner to get tipsy but not drunk, and while Hyunjin is usually a clingy drunk, he feels like a teenager again with shifting moods when he finds himself unpredictably a sad drunk.

Seungmin catches Hyunjin crying when he returns to the room. “Hyunjin?” Hyunjin hears Seungmin ask, Seungmin’s voice sounding distorted to Hyunjin’s ears as it travels through his self-pitying mood.

Hyunjin feels, rather than sees, Seungmin sit down next to him on the bed. “Hyunjin, what’s wrong?”

Hyunjin hiccups. “Felix is the first one of us to get married, you know? It feels like the end of an era. They found each other’s partner for life…I’m just so happy for them, you know?”

Hyunjin hears Seungmin chuckle and feels a tissue being pressed into his hands. “Ah, Hyunjin, still so pure-hearted and sentimental,” Seungmin says. If anything, that makes Hyunjin cry harder.

“At the same time, though, I can’t help but feel jealous about their bond! I’m so lonely! My dating life still consists of nameless, faceless encounters…I don’t know if I’ve even met my person yet,” Hyunjin sniffles.

Hyunjin can see enough through the curtain of his tears that Seungmin is frowning. “Forget I said anything,” Hyunjin says hurriedly and makes to get up. Seungmin shakes his head and pats the space on the bed next to him.

“At the risk of sounding like a teenage girl who just read The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the first time, do you think you accept the love you think you deserve, Hyunjin?”

Of course, Seungmin would hit the head on the nail even after all these years.

Seungmin. The one that got away. The love he deserves. It was all connected, wasn’t it? Hyunjin hadn’t been entirely honest when he said he didn’t know if he’d even met his person yet. Hyunjin could imagine, in another universe, Seungmin being his person. It had been years, but Hyunjin still can’t forgive himself for hurting one of the people he held closest to his heart. No one had ever cared for Hyunjin as unconditionally as Seungmin, and Hyunjin didn’t deserve anyone caring for him as unconditionally again.

Seungmin waits a beat for Hyunjin to answer, but when Hyunjin doesn’t, he gently shakes Hyunjin. “Come on, Hyunjin,” he says. “Early day tomorrow, you should get ready for bed.”

Very on brand with Felix being a Catholic, the ceremony drags on forever. Hyunjin tries not to fidget too much by the altar in the muggy summer heat. Finally, the ceremony ends, only for a new hell to begin—photos. Seungmin tirelessly takes pictures of every possible conceivable combination of family and the wedding party while Hyunjin dreams of a cold shot of soju.

Eventually, Hyunjin is released from the hell of wedding photos. Sitting next to Jisung during the reception, the two of them laugh uproariously at Chris’ best man speech, which heavily features an exaggerated, embarrassing recounting of Felix’s reaction when he first saw his now-bride.

The bride and groom have their first dance to Sara Bareilles’ “I Choose You,” and then the real party begins.

Hyunjin is about to get another drink from the bar when he overhears Felix’s sisters talking to each other. “It’s too bad Hyunjin isn’t straight, he’s so handsome,” he hears one of them say. “I think I’m going to try to shoot my shot instead with Seungmin—if I can catch him not taking photos, that is,” and the sisters laugh.

“Seungmin grew up well, it’s true,” the other sister nods in agreement. “He was always cute even when he was little and playing baseball with Lix. Mom would be so pleased if you snagged him, he’s total husband material. You know how Asian parents are, they love doctors, lawyers, and engineers.”

The two sisters move away from Hyunjin, and Hyunjin watches as the first sister approaches Seungmin. If Hyunjin is being honest with himself (which he generally makes it a policy not to), Seungmin looks extremely handsome today in his tuxedo and his hair styled up. It would be more shocking if no one tried to hit on him while he was looking like that. Seungmin seems to turn her down good-naturedly, probably telling her he has to focus on taking photos based on the way he keeps pointing at his camera, but the exchange is enough to put Hyunjin in a foul mood for the rest of the night. If he pounds back more drinks than he planned to, well, nobody else has to know.

Hyunjin wonders if he’s entered a time loop as he finds himself crying in a hotel room for the third night in a row. As if they’re reenacting a play, Seungmin finds Hyunjin crying again and sits next to him on the bed again.

“Minnie,” Hyunjin slurs, and he sees Seungmin tense up before relaxing again. “Minnie, I know I’m more than ten years too late, but Minnie, I’m so sorry.”

Seungmin looks shocked, but Hyunjin plows on. “I regretted it the moment I said it. You were my first ever friend, my best friend. I’d never met anyone like you, and I’ve never met anyone like you again. I always admired you so much, Minnie. You were always so diligent, so strong, so patient, so kind, so selfless…I could go on and on. You made me a better person, Minnie, both by example and because I found the courage to fully be myself around you. I was young, and stupid, and thoughtless, and in one second I ruined the most important relationship in my life.”

“I didn’t want to admit it then, uncomfortable with my sexuality and not wanting to make our friendship awkward, but Minnie, this week has made me realize…I’m not even sure if you’re interested in men, but anyways…I didn’t just admire you in a platonic sense…I think I was always a little in love with you, Minnie. I think I still might be.”

If Seungmin looked shocked before, he looks absolutely flabbergasted now. “I know it’s a lot, Minnie,” Hyunjin rushes to say. “You don’t have to forgive me or say anything back…I just wanted you to know.”

Finally, Seungmin says, “You’re drunk, Hyunjin. If you want to talk about this, let’s talk about it again when you’re sober.”

Hyunjin wakes up hungover. He debates the virtues of just crawling into a hole and dying. What was he thinking when he just blabbed to Seungmin? They still had the drive back to New York.

What is he going to say? Hyunjin is a coward, he knows, only apologizing and confessing when he was drunk and his brain to mouth filter was out of commission. Hyunjin, maybe because he is an only child, has always been a little selfish and entitled. When it comes to Seungmin, though…Seungmin deserves better than Hyunjin as a friend, lover, whatever. Hyunjin doesn’t deserve to be in Seungmin’s life.

So Hyunjin doesn’t bring up the conversation in the morning. He pretends not to see the look of hurt in Seungmin’s eyes, so reminiscent of all those years ago, before Seungmin catches himself and recomposes his expression.

They say their goodbyes to the other guys and Felix’s parents and head to the car. If it wasn’t obvious already to Hyunjin that he had snapped the shimmery, gossamer threads of whatever fragile relationship they had built on this trip, it was obvious by the time they got into the car. “I think I’m going to just drive up to New York in one day,” Seungmin says, his tone brusque. Hyunjin is worried about Seungmin driving for so many hours straight, but he doesn’t feel like he can argue. Instead, he nods.

The drive back is awkward, Seungmin turning up the music too loud for them to have a comfortable conversation.

Seungmin opts for a Dunkin’ Donuts drive through for lunch, scarfing down a chicken sandwich in one hand with the other hand on the wheel, washing it down with copious amounts of black coffee like his life depends on it. Seungmin clearly doesn’t want to spend any more time with Hyunjin than he has to.

Eventually, they reach Hyunjin’s apartment. Seungmin unceremoniously pops the trunk for Hyunjin to collect his luggage.

“Bye, Seungmin,” Hyunjin says, his voice teetering dangerously towards sentimentality.

“Bye,” Seungmin says tonelessly.

Hyunjin watches the back of Seungmin’s head as he drives away.

Hyunjin throws himself into work, trying not to think about Seungmin. It’s like he’s finally taken his blinders off after all these years, though—everything reminds him of Seungmin, from the notes he left in his phone about possible design ideas, to the mint chocolate ice cream in the grocery store, to Seungmin’s favorite baseball team playing on the television.

Jisung finally forces Hyunjin to take a breather, dragging Hyunjin to a happy hour. However, after one look at Hyunjin, Jisung decides they’d be better off hanging out in Hyunjin’s apartment because, as Jisung says uncharitably, “You look like shit.”

“So, Seungmin,” Jisung says after he’s grabbed them both beers from the fridge and distracted Hyunjin enough on other topics. Hyunjin shakes his head, but this time, he isn’t so lucky. “No, Hyunjin, I’m not taking your shit today. We’re going to talk about Seungmin, whether you like it or not.”

“Who says this is about Seungmin?” Hyunjin mumbles.

Jisung rolls his eyes. “You both have been acting weird once you got back to the city. Something happened the day of the wedding or during your drive back up, I know it. Spill.”

Hyunjin stubbornly fixates on everything but the topic at hand. “What do you mean, both? Are you two friends or something?”

“Stop changing the subject,” Jisung scolds. “If you must know, Felix introduced us and all of us hung out a couple of times and really hit it off. Now answer my question.”

“You guys have been hanging out behind my back!” Hyunjin points his finger accusingly at Jisung.

Jisung sighs. “You’re so dramatic, Hyunjin. Yes, we’ve been hanging out, and we would have included you if it wasn’t for the fact that Seungmin didn’t seem willing to touch you with even a six-foot pole. I’m impressed Felix was able to convince him to drive your sorry ass down to Charleston. Now talk.”

Hyunjin isn't sure why he caves and talks to Jisung—maybe it’s because he’s tired of keeping it to himself after all these years, maybe it’s because Jisung’s his best friend—but he finds himself telling Jisung all of it, from the good to the bad to the ugly. Tells him about the childhood friendship, the fallout, the realization that he used to and still did have feelings for Seungmin, the drunken apology and confession, his decision not to revisit the conversation in the morning.

Uncharacteristically, Jisung seems to be shocked into silence at the end of Hyunjin’s saga. “Wow,” is all he says.

“Really?” Hyunjin fires back a little snippily. “You ask me to spill, I do, and all you have to say is wow?”

“Would you prefer that I say that you’ve been really shitty to Seungmin twice now?”

Hyunjin is affronted. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

“Seungmin's,” Jisung states firmly.

“I’m your best friend!” Hyunjin screeches.

“Which is why I can tell it to you like it is,” Jisung responds. “You don’t need me to tell you what you did in high school was shitty, I can tell that you’ve beat yourself up enough about it so there’s no need to harp on it. Why didn’t you try to talk to him again once you were sober, though?”

Hyunjin looks down at his hands and murmurs, “I don’t deserve to be in his life.”

Jisung sighs sadly and puts his arm around Hyunjin. “That’s not true, Hyunjin,” he whispers. Hyunjin shakes his head, refusing to accept Jisung’s offer of exoneration. He had hurt one of the most important people in his life, he didn’t deserve forgiveness. Jisung gently cards his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair. “I can see where you’re coming from, but why do you get to make all the decisions, hmmm? Seungmin was willing to meet you again and was willing to revisit the conversation in the morning…why don’t you let him choose whether he still wants you in his life? Seungmin is a good guy, he’ll be understanding.”

“That’s the problem,” Hyunjin huffs, frustrated. “He’s too understanding.”

Jisung hums in acknowledgement. “While I didn’t know you both when you were still friends, I know and care very much about you both now. It sounds like you two had a really special bond that you’ve never been able to replicate. Why not give friendship another chance? Why not take a chance to make yourself, and him, happy?”

“I don’t want to hurt him again,” Hyunjin murmurs. “I don’t know if I can make him happy.”

“Hate to be the one to break it to you, Hyunjin, but you’re not exactly doing a very good job of that when you spilled your feelings on the floor and then pretended nothing happened the very next day,” Jisung retorts acerbically. Hyunjin winces.

Jisung’s voice softens again. “You don’t have to make a decision now, but promise me you’ll think about it.”

Hyunjin nods. “Thanks, Jisung.”

Jisung smiles, a big, genuine smile with his gums showing. Just as Hyunjin is starting to feel grateful towards Jisung, Hyunjin watches in dread as Jisung's smile morphs into a shit-eating grin. “Does that mean Seungmin was the source of all your gay panic in college?” Jisung sing-songs.

“JISUNG HAN! YOU’RE INSUFFERABLE!”

Hyunjin’s mom has been needling him to visit. He’s been pushing it off by telling her work has been super busy, which it has, but he finally stops by, knowing he’s put it off long enough.

To be honest, he’s been avoiding the visit because he knows his mom will see right through him. “The last thing he needs is you giving him trouble,” he remembers her saying. Well, he fucked that up royally.

The moment he sits down on the couch, she shoots him a knowing look. To her credit, she gives him time to bring it up himself, but when it’s clear that he’s not planning to say anything, she ventures to ask, “How was Felix’s wedding?”

“Good,” he replies. Truthfully, he can’t even recall what Felix’s wedding was like right now. His brain seems to be playing a loop of Seungmin’s hurt expression the morning after the wedding.

His mom decides to use more forceful methods. “Okay, Hyunjin, what happened on that trip?”

Hyunjin freezes. “Did you hear anything?” God, what if Seungmin had told his mom and now Hyunjin's mom knew?

His mom shakes her head. “You’ve thrown yourself into work after the trip, though, and you’re not yourself today. It’s a mother’s intuition. Does this have something to do with Seungmin?”

Why does everyone know it’s about Seungmin? Is Hyunjin really that obvious? He realizes he’s spoken out loud when he hears his mom’s peal of laughter, followed by “Well, there’s always been some unfinished business between you two.”

Hyunjin flushes, not sure what his mom is trying to imply. “Talk to your eomma, Hyunjinnie,” she says softly, reaching across to grasp his hand in hers.

Hyunjin isn't sure why, but something about being back at home and talking to his mom about his problems makes him feel like a child again, and he’s surprised when he finds tears overflowing from his eyes.

“Oh, Hyunjinnie,” she says, and tugs him closer to hug him. Hyunjin starts crying harder, huge, heaving sobs that wrack his body. His mom patiently waits for him to calm down, rubbing circles on his back.

He tells his mom about how hard it was to not to slip into old patterns with Seungmin, his realization that he used to and still did have feelings for Seungmin, the night of the wedding, the day after.

He realizes after that he and his mother have never talked about his sexuality, not in so many words, anyway. She doesn’t seem surprised, though, and he figures her mother’s intuition had told her about that too.

“I’m only good at hurting him,” Hyunjin sniffles. “Even when I’m trying to do what’s best for him, I hurt him. I was lucky enough to have him come back into my life, but I lost him again.”

“I wish you were still at an age where I could take care of your problems for you,” his mom smiles sadly. “You didn’t always hurt him, though, Hyunjin. The two of you used to be inseparable. You used to make him so happy. Look,” she says, pulling a photo album off the shelf. She flips through the pages, and Hyunjin sees photo after photo of him and Seungmin together, all smiles.

“I don’t know if he wants to see me again, or give me another chance,” he confesses to his mom.

His mom hums thoughtfully. “That’s up to him to decide. You didn’t hear it from me, but his mom said he seems lonely and too set in his ways lately. You could still be good for him.”

Hyunjin doesn’t try to reach out right away to Seungmin after these conversations. He thinks about it, continually talking himself in and out of trying to reconcile with Seungmin. Eventually, he asks his mom for Seungmin’s address, and she writes it down for him with a knowing expression on her face.

He finds himself standing in front of Seungmin’s door on a late Saturday morning, armed with Seungmin’s favorite meal, mint chocolate ice cream, his Switch to play Super Smash Brothers, and a signed Wonpil photo card he bought online that he paid more than he’d care to think about. It’s a pipe dream that Seungmin will answer the door—he has no idea if Seungmin is in—but Hyunjin has always been foolishly hopeful. He knocks on the door.

After a beat, the door swings open. “Hyunjin,” Seungmin says, his voice curt.

Seungmin is frowning, and Hyunjin can tell that he probably really wants to kick Hyunjin to the curb, but Seungmin is too polite to do so. “Come in,” Seungmin says.

Hyunjin takes a quick peek at Seungmin’s apartment. Freakishly neat, as he expected. Seungmin indicates that Hyunjin can set his things down on a coffee table.

“I brought your favorite food. Oh, you should probably put this mint ice cream in the freezer. I also brought my Switch if you want to play Super Smash Brothers together? Oh, this is for you.” Hyunjin says all of this nervously and in a rush, thrusting the Wonpil photocard in Seungmin’s hands.

Seungmin’s face is impassive. “Hyunjin. What are you doing here?”

Hyunjin isn't sure what to say, but he feels a sense of desperation. He has to convince Seungmin. “I’m here to apologize about what happened in high school, and I’m here to apologize about what happened at Felix’s wedding. I want to try to be in your life again. If you’ll have me again, of course,” he trails off.

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin starts, a frustrated expression on his face as he scratches his neck awkwardly. “This is real life, not a rom-com. You can’t just waltz in here with this grand gesture and expect me to forgive you.”

Hyunjin’s face falls, his eyes downcast.

“I don’t want to forgive you,” Seungmin says, more to himself than Hyunjin. “I shouldn’t forgive you.”

It’s a mixture of shame, embarrassment, and frustration that causes tears to well up in Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin knows how he probably comes off as—manipulative with his tears—so he rushes to the door. “I guess—I guess I’ll be going now,” he mutters brokenly, but Seungmin stops him.

“Hyunjin, I can’t let you leave crying like this. Come on, sit down. Have a tissue.” Seungmin forcefully directs Hyunjin in the direction of the couch and hands him a box of tissues.

“What am I going to do with you, Hyunjin Hwang?” Seungmin asks rhetorically. Hyunjin just hiccups pathetically.

Seungmin furrows his brow, and Hyunjin desperately wants to smooth it out. “Hyunjin,” Seungmin says, and Hyunjin looks up. “Why are you always ashamed of being associated with me?” Seungmin’s voice is soft and pitiful.

Hyunjin feels himself scrabbling for purchase. “No, Seungmin, no. I’m not ashamed of you. I’m proud of you. I am so, so proud of you. Not only because of what you’ve accomplished—Harvard undergrad, Yale law school, now a prosecutor for the city, but also because of who you are—the best person I’ve ever known.”

“Then why,” Seungmin asks, exasperated, “did you pretend you didn’t know me in high school? Why did you act like you didn’t confess to me the night of the wedding? Were you too drunk to remember? What else am I supposed to think when you only apologize to me when there’s no one around or you’re drunk? What else am I supposed to conclude except that I’m just someone you use when it’s convenient and ignore when it’s not? Please don’t keep saying sweet nothings to placate me. It won’t work this time.”

The shame burns in Hyunjin’s throat. “No, Minnie, no, I swear I never meant to make you feel that way.”

“I used to think intention mattered,” Seungmin replies, his mouth set in a thin line, “but now I’m not so sure.”

The words spill out of Hyunjin like a waterfall. “You’re right, Minnie, I’m a coward. That day in high school I just—I just panicked. I saw the way my so-called friends treated people who were gay, and I didn’t want to be treated that way, so I did all I could to stay on their good side. They called you a gay slur, I didn’t want the thought to even cross their mind that I was anything but straight…I know what I did was wrong. It’s haunted me the rest of my life, I haven’t forgiven myself for it…and the day after the wedding, you probably won’t believe me, but I was thinking about how I didn’t deserve to be in your life because of how much I hurt you, that’s why I acted that way…Jisung and my mom both thought me being in your life could be a good thing after all, but I see now that that wasn’t true,” Hyunjin blubbers. God, this was such a mistake.

Seungmin sighs and runs a hand through his hair, tense. “I was mad at you for a long time. But eventually, I came to understand why you acted the way you did…I forgave you several years back for what happened in high school. I’m having more trouble forgiving you now for what happened at Felix’s wedding, though. I wish you trusted my judgment enough to let me decide whether or not I wanted you to be in my life, instead of just deciding for me. I’m not a child, Hyunjin. There’s an inherent risk in any relationship, platonic or romantic, for hurt. It’s just a natural consequence because you care about the other person, because you give them the tools to hurt you. It was a risk I was considering taking at Felix’s wedding, but now I’m not so sure.”

Hyunjin sniffles miserably. “I ruined everything, didn’t I?”

Seungmin massages his temples, looking conflicted. “My noona told me not to give you another chance. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

Hyunjin has always been a little idiotically brave. “But what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know,” Seungmin replies.

With the ball firmly in Seungmin’s court, Hyunjin tries to give him space. Though Hyunjin attempts to distract himself from thinking about Seungmin or getting his hopes up, all things considered, he finds it easier said than done. About a month after Hyunjin’s rebuffed attempt to reconcile, just when he’s resigned himself that he probably won’t ever hear from Seungmin, he receives a text. “Hi,” the text reads, “I’m in Brooklyn. I know it’s short notice, but do you want to grab lunch?” Hyunjin practically trips over himself trying to respond immediately to Seungmin’s message before Seungmin decides to rescind the offer.

They meet at a casual fusion restaurant near Hyunjin’s office. Hyunjin approaches conversation with Seungmin gingerly, afraid if he makes the wrong move that Seungmin will disappear into thin air. “Thanks for making time for me,” Hyunjin meekly offers, but Seungmin waves the sentiment off. “I was close by for work, it wasn’t a hassle.”

Seungmin runs his hand through his hair, tense. “Against maybe my better judgment, I thought we could try to be friends again. I wanted to set some parameters first, though—I don’t want us to set up a dynamic where I’m perpetually taking on the role of the wronged and you’re taking on the role of the perpetrator, forever apologizing to try to get in my good graces. I don’t think that’s a healthy dynamic either. Can you agree to start on a clean slate?”

Hyunjin is itching to ask Seungmin why Seungmin decided to give him another chance, but he holds his tongue, worried he will spook Seungmin. Anyway, Seungmin’s conditions are better than anything Hyunjin could have hoped for. “Yes, of course.”

“Good,” Seungmin replies. He pauses. “I’m not sure how to have a conversation with you, honestly. I feel like we know so much about each other and have so much history, yet we’re also strangers.”

“It’s an out of the box idea,” Hyunjin replies, “but what about we do those 36 questions that lead to love?”¹

“I’m not trying to fall in love with you,” Seungmin replies, dead-pan.

Right. Of course not. Hyunjin is the one in love with Seungmin; Seungmin has never given any indication that he returns those feelings. “Haha! I don’t mean that we actually do them to try to fall in love! I just thought they were questions that would prompt deep conversation,” Hyunjin trails off clumsily.

Seungmin hums thoughtfully. “Sure, we can give it a try.”

Hyunjin pulls up the list of questions on his phone. “Pick a number between 1 and 36.”

Seungmin shrugs. “18?”

Hyunjin looks at the question and winces. What is your most terrible memory? He skips down to the next question. “If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?”

“Huh,” Seungmin says. “I guess I’d want to take a step back from work, spend more time with the people I care about and on the activities that bring me joy. Maybe loosen up a bit and open myself up to small, spontaneous wonders. I suppose this is my wake-up call that I’ve been working too much,” he laughs awkwardly. “What about you?”

“I think I’d like to be more intentional about how I spend my time,” Hyunjin replies. “I think I’ve been losing myself in the mundane routine of my life instead of concretely prioritizing what restores me. Maybe do something crazy like quit my job and just travel!”

Hyunjin resolutely ignores the fact that he could help Seungmin with spontaneity.

It becomes a habit of sorts for them. They don’t meet weekly, but they meet with some regularity over a meal, tackling one question each time. Some questions are more frivolous, like “Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?” (Seungmin plans, Hyunjin relies on his winsome charm) or “If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?” (Seungmin says mind, Hyunjin says body). Some are more profound, like “Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?” (Seungmin says playing baseball or singing professionally, although he’s hampered by feeling like he needs to be a responsible, self-sufficient son. Hyunjin comes up with a plausible-sounding answer, like not travelling because he’s poor, a true millennial problem.)

Unexpectedly, one day Seungmin cancels. They’ve met enough times that Hyunjin doesn’t automatically jump to the conclusion that Seungmin has changed his mind about pursuing a friendship with Hyunjin, but Hyunjin would be lying if he said that the fear didn’t cross his mind. “Hey, is something wrong?” Hyunjin texts back.

“No, I’m just not feeling well,” Seungmin replies.

Hyunjin is probably overstepping his bounds—it’s awfully domestic—but he feels like he has to do something. So, he goes to H-Mart and buys the essentials whenever he himself has a cold, like saltine crackers, chicken noodle soup, and honey citron tea.

Again, he finds himself standing in front of Seungmin’s door. This time, when Seungmin opens the door, it’s obvious that he’s in the throes of a fever—his face is flushed with beads of sweat running along his hairline.

“Hyunjin, you didn’t have to come,” Seungmin croaks. “What if I get you sick?”

“Nonsense,” Hyunjin says, brushing Seungmin’s concerns aside. “You’ve probably gotten sick because you’ve been working too much, haven’t you?” Hyunjin accuses. Seungmin has the gall to look sheepish.

Hyunjin forcibly sits Seungmin down on his own couch while Hyunjin bustles around Seungmin’s kitchen, preparing the soup and tea. However, when Hyunjin is about to serve the food to Seungmin, he finds that Seungmin has fallen asleep while waiting. Hyunjin spots a throw blanket folded neatly on the side table and opens it, tucking Seungmin in. He tries to ignore the pang in his heart and the voice in his head that says he could get used to this. They’re just friends, after all. Hyunjin will take anything that Seungmin is willing to give him.

What does friendship mean to you?

By now, Hyunjin and Seungmin’s mutual friends, like Felix and Jisung, have caught wind that the two are willing to be in the same place at the same time. Capitalizing on this, Felix invites them all for a boy’s night out at a bowling alley.

Hyunjin and Seungmin are on opposite teams. At one point, Hyunjin tries to steal the bowling ball away from Seungmin’s hands, practically backhugging Seungmin to tickle him on the sides in his earnest effort to rob Seungmin. Seungmin doesn’t tense up, instead laughing unabashedly as he tries to squirm out of Hyunjin’s grasp. Hyunjin’s heart skips a beat as he sees Seungmin’s beautiful crescent eye smile and puppy-like smile, and he wishes that he could preserve this moment forever. Unfortunately, the moment is shattered by Felix, Seungmin’s team captain, enthusiastically crying foul, and Jisung, Hyunjin’s team captain, yelling that Hyunjin should stop fraternizing with the enemy.

Afterwards, Hyunjin bats his eyelashes to hitch a ride from Jisung. Hyunjin comes to regret this decision immediately the moment he climbs into the car and Jisung says, “So, Seungmin.” Hyunjin shakes his head, but Jisung is persistent. “You two seemed awfully close back there.”

“We’re just friends,” Hyunjin replies automatically.

Jisung raises his eyebrow, unimpressed.

“Right, friends who blatantly flirt right in front of my salad. Or pizza, since we were eating pizza. I also know for a fact you haven’t been hooking up with people lately because I’ve blissfully stopped being the recipient of your regretful morning after texts.”

Hyunjin looks down at his intertwined fingers. Jisung’s on point about some things but way off base about others. “We really are just friends, Jisung. I’m not forcing the issue—I’m afraid of losing him again and I’m willing to be whatever he wants me to be to stay in his life. Anyway, he's never signaled to me that he feels the same way about me that I feel about him.”

Jisung’s eyes soften. For all his bluster, Jisung knows when to stop pushing. “Hey, I’m just glad you two made up,” Jisung says. “You seem happier, Hyunjin. He’s good for you. For example, your apartment is neater!”

“Yah! You're one to talk!”

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

They’re supposed to meet up, and though Hyunjin is looking forward to seeing Seungmin, he’s just having one of those days where he can’t seem to do anything right. He starts spiraling further and further down the vortex of negativity and self-loathing to the point where after work, he just wants to go home and have a good cry.

“I’m not feeling up for meeting today,” he texts Seungmin.

The replying call is almost instantaneous. “Is something wrong?” Seungmin questions over the phone.

“I’m just having a bad day,” Hyunjin admits.

“How about I come over to your apartment instead?” Seungmin offers.

“It’s too much trouble, you’re in Manhattan right now,” Hyunjin refuses.

“It’s not too much trouble,” Seungmin insists. “I’ll be over in about a half hour.”

Seungmin, true to form, arrives exactly half an hour later. He enters the apartment with a plastic bag looped around his hand. Hyunjin looks at Seungmin with a question in his eyes. “Chocolate, for you,” Seungmin answers.

Hyunjin idly wonders if he’s entered a time machine and been transported back to his childhood, when Seungmin would ply him with chocolate to try to cheer him up.

“So, what’s wrong?” Seungmin asks.

Hyunjin’s emotions get the better of him and he starts crying, telling Seungmin how he can’t do anything right, how he’s a failed interior designer who hasn’t seen much progress in his career, how he’s a failed human, really, who hasn’t made a significant contribution to the world, etc. Hyunjin catches the faint hesitation that crosses Seungmin’s face before he finds Seungmin’s warm hands grasping his.

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

The gang decides to go out on a Friday night to a karaoke bar. Seungmin, the ever-responsible designated driver, is bright eyed and bushy tailed. Hyunjin, still feeling a little melancholy, lets himself get a little sloppy, glassy-eyed and clinging to Jisung despite Jisung’s repeated efforts to shake him off. Eventually, Jisung wriggles away, and Hyunjin latches onto Felix, who is much more tolerant of Hyunjin’s public displays of affection.

Seungmin queues up IU’s “Love Poem” on the machine.

When he starts to sing, Hyunjin feels like his breath is caught in his throat. Seungmin sings a little too beautifully and a little too earnestly for a drunken Friday night karaoke party, like a top student who put in a little too much effort into an extra credit assignment. (Was this really a simile when it came to Seungmin?)

“I’ll be there, behind you when you walk alone
Singing till the end, this song that won’t end
Open your ears for just a moment
I’ll sing for you, who is walking through an especially long night.”^{2, 3}

Drowsy, Hyunjin finds himself lulled by Seungmin’s sweet voice. Before his eyes fall shut, he has the errant thought that Seungmin seems to have been staring right at him the entire time he’s been singing.

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

Seungmin spontaneously invites Hyunjin to a picnic at Central Park because “it’s springtime and the park is beautiful”. Hyunjin feels a little jittery—they’ve reached the last question of the 36, and part of him fears that Seungmin will up and leave once they finish. Another part of him feels off-kilter—a picnic at Central Park feels an awful lot like a date.

In contrast to when they first started, when they opened their conversations with one of the questions, these days, they’ve been discussing them at the end, almost as an afterthought. The conversation between them flows naturally through dinner, and once they’ve finished dessert, Seungmin asks, “So what’s today’s question?”

Hyunjin looks down at his phone, even though he has the question memorized. 33. “If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?”

Seungmin looks thoughtful. “Hyunjin,” Seungmin says, his voice hushed. Hyunjin senses the change in tone and stiffens.

“Hmmm?” Hyunjin asks, hoping his voice doesn’t betray the uneasiness he feels.

“Hyunjin, at Felix’s wedding, when you said that you were always a little in love with me, did you really mean it?”

“Yes,” Hyunjin answers. Where is this going?

“How about when you said that you were still a little in love with me that day? Did you really mean that?”

“Yes,” Hyunjin responds. Is he imagining it or is Seungmin scooting closer to him on the picnic blanket?

“How about now?” Seungmin whispers, close enough that his puff of breath fans over Hyunjin’s cheek. Seungmin's gaze is intense, and Hyunjin could swear that there's a glimmer in Seungmin's eye. “Are you still a little in love with me?”

“Always,” Hyunjin murmurs, his voice a little broken. Hyunjin never stood a chance. Is Seungmin staring at his lips?

Seungmin licks his lips nervously. “Can I kiss you, Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin can’t nod fast enough. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Seungmin’s lips brush against Hyunjin’s, soft and delicate like the flapping of a butterfly’s wings. It feels suspiciously like coming home.

Seungmin pulls back. “I love you, Hyunjin Hwang.”

“Hmmm?” Hyunjin asks dazedly. Is this really happening?

“That’s my answer to today’s question,” Seungmin replies, smile dazzling. “I love you, Hyunjin Hwang.”