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Knock knock.
The blonde man opened the door and faced with a big camera and eager smile, gestured into a luxurious hotel suite with a slightly pained expression on his deadpan face.
“Ooh, sweet room, thank you so much for having me!”
“You’re welcome.”
“So, are you ready to answer 73 questions? How are you feeling today?”
“Irritated at being badgered with 73 questions.”
“Understandable, understandable. Well, that was two already! Let’s get started then, what’s the best thing that happened to you this month?”
“I survived it.”
“What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”
“I received confirmation that I have been paid in full.”
“What’s the best thing about being you?”
“I’m rich.”
“What’s the worst thing about being you?”
“The most-wanted list. And employer enforced mandatory therapy.”
“What’s your favourite cocktail?”
“Having preferences makes you vulnerable.”
“So you don’t have a favourite cake flavour either?”
“Not-poisoned.”
“What is something you can’t do?”
“Smile.”
“Haha, I can see that. What’s something cool that you can do?”
“If I showed you, you wouldn’t be here to finish the rest of the 73 questions.”
“What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?”
“That I have a dancer’s body. And chiselled lips.”
“Can you show me a dance move?”
“...You wouldn’t be here to finish the rest of the 73 questions.”
“What’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten?”
“My village and everyone I know getting murdered in a blaze of fire in one night.”
“What’s the second biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten?”
“Assassination attempt from a teenager.”
“Oh. And what’s a happy surprise that you’ve gotten?”
“...”
“Okay, alright, then. Favourite person in the world?”
“Dead.”
“Alive?”
“His son.”
“Favourite song lyrics?”
“I only listen to classical music. And only when I meditate.”
“What is something you won’t be doing in 10 years?”
“My job.”
“What do you do on a rainy day?”
“Whatever I would do if it wasn’t raining.”
“What is something you wish you could be good at?”
“I’m good at everything I need to be good at.”
“Most recent celebrity crush?”
“...What?”
“Never mind. Television show you’ve binged on recently?”
“The Japanese news to improve my fluency.”
“What do you first notice about someone when you meet them?”
“Whether they should be considered a threat or not.”
“What’s one place you wish you could visit?”
“The one destroyed by a blaze of fire while I watched.”
“What do you miss about Russia when you’re not there?”
“The vodka.”
“How do you perfect doing accents?”
“The knowledge that my life depends on it. And youtube.”
“What’s your favourite scar?”
“Scars make you distinctive and identifiable. But this one.” (traces neck)
“What’s one Russian word people should stop pronouncing incorrectly?”
“It’s BAbushka, not baBUshka.”
“Noted. And what are you eating today?”
“Something unremarkable and well balanced.”
“What’s your least favourite cuisine?”
“British. They do not have one.”
“What has been the most rewarding part of your career thus far?”
“The money.”
“Is that a chessboard over there? Who taught you to play?”
“He’s dead.”
“If you could play chess with just one person, who would you want it to be?”
“His son.”
“What’s a regret you have?”
“I don’t have any.”
“If you had to pick one?”
“His brother.”
“Would you quit your job if you could?”
“Not as long as the cheques retain their zeroes.”
“Do you ever wish you had brothers and sisters?”
“Attachments are weaknesses and will be used against you.”
“What are you afraid of losing?”
“My hair.”
“How would you describe yourself in 3 words?”
“Not easily identifiable.”
“What’s one question you think people have about you?”
“Why did I send a teenage boy to the terrorist organisation that orphaned him.”
“And what would be the answer?”
“Blood loss.”
“What’s your spirit animal?”
“What?”
“Like, which animal do you most identify with?”
“Horse. They’re efficient.”
“What’s one thing about you that even people close to you don’t know?”
“My name.”
“What advice would you give your 19-year-old self?”
“See a careers advisor before making decisions.”
“What advice would you give your 14-year-old self?”
“Move to another city.”
“Do you have a tattoo?”
“Yes.”
“Can I see it?”
“No.”
“Doesn’t a tattoo make you identifiable if someone saw it?”
“People who get close enough to see it do not have a particularly optmistic life expectancy.”
“Do you know, you don’t look your age at all?”
“Yes.”
“What’s your skincare secret?”
“Not smiling. No wrinkles.”
“What’s something you own that you truly cherish?”
“My gun.”
“What’s one hobby you’ll never give up?”
“Fitness.”
“What’s one hobby you plan on picking up?”
“Leaving this hotel without a trace.”
“What’s a language I should teach my newborn child?”
“Silence.”
“What’s a pet peeve that you have?”
“Oligarchs.”
“Who do you think secretly doesn’t like you?”
“Blatantly, Interpol.”
“What’s a fashion trend that can never let you down?”
“Unmarked clothing.”
“What’s one fashion trend you tried that you regret the most?”
“Skinny jeans.”
“What’s your favourite kind of sweets to eat?”
“Granola Bar.”
“What’s one thing you’d need for a cute date night?”
“A romantic partner.”
“What’s one thing people would be surprised to know about you?”
“My body count.”
“When do you feel the most attractive?”
“As a blond.”
“What’s your favourite colour?”
“To be? Blond.”
“Who’s your favourite spice girl?”
“...Cinnamon is the most versatile spice.”
“Something that made you cry?”
“A game of Russian Roulette.”
“What do you always have on you?”
“More weapons that one can plausibly expect.”
“What’s one question you want to be asked more often?”
“May I leave you alone.”
“What’s one question you hate being asked?”
“Shouldn’t you sleep more?”
"What's one thing you hate people saying to you?"
"Please. Please. I don’t know anything, I swear."
“What’s your favourite gift your parents got you?”
“My immune system.”
“What’s your best motivational tool?”
“Death threats.”
“Okay, I’m very sorry to say that’s the end of my 73 questions! Thank you so much for your time!
“Shut the door behind you.”