Chapter Text
Sirius found his head drooping with each passing second until James pulled him back from falling face first into his plate of eggs. He mumbled a thank you and resorted to propped his arm up on the table to properly support his head. Many younger years assumed that as sixth years, the marauders were in a sweet spot in between OWLs and NEWTs, but that was far from the case. Each professor was determined to prove that they were not in a lull of the demanding workload and it didn’t take long for Sirius to regret taking half of the classes on his timetable.
As he struggled to keep his eyes open while reaching for his coffee, Sirius watched Remus join across from him and James. Just as Sirius forced a smile, though he never really had to force a smile if it was being directed towards Remus, his grey eyes shot open as someone sat beside his best friend.
He knew exactly who the ginger was, but found himself a bit confused as to why he was sitting with the marauders. Sitting beside Remus was Fabian Prewett, a seventh year student, and Sirius knew him quite well. They played on the Gryffindor Quidditch team together, both Fabian and his twin brother Gideon were Chasers like James while Marlene and Sirius were Beaters. It wasn’t entirely odd to see the Prewett twins sitting in such close proximity to the marauders, but Gideon was nowhere to be found.
He tried to disregard it, but he couldn’t help his brain from formulating a multitude of explanations. He didn’t have a problem with Fabian, but Sirius was curious, especially as to why he was sitting so close to Remus. He watched as Fabian leaned down to whisper something in Remus’ ear and when Remus ever brought a hand to his mouth to cover a laugh, a rumbling filled Sirius’ gut.
He quickly turned his head down and glared at his food, Sirius hated being left out from a good joke. He kept his grey eyes glued to his plate until breakfast had finished. His head flicked up to find Remus walking out of the hall with Fabian at his side.
“Oi! Alright there, Pads?” James asked as Sirius proceeded to harshly swing his bag to his shoulder.
“M’fine.” He grumbled as he briskly walked to Charms, keeping his head down the entire way.
He couldn’t even pinpoint why there was a rumbling in his chest, certainly he didn’t care that much about being left out of the conversation. Fabian Prewett was nice and funny, but why was he spending time with Remus and why did Sirius care about it? With a groan, Sirius entered the Charms classroom and dropped his things on his usual desk. Moments later, James and Pete strode in and James was quick to sit on the side of Sirius while Pete took Remus’ side.
It was their last day of classes before holiday and as Professor Flitwick announced they were starting on their assignment that would be due after they came back, Sirius contentedly sighed. The less talking, the better. But as Sirius began to write, his usual elegant cursive was nowhere to be found and was instead replaced with print that resembled the closest to Pete’s atrociously messy handwriting.
He felt a nudge on his shoulder and when he snapped his head, James’ eyes widened as he slid over a scrap of parchment. Sirius hastily opened it up and internally groaned at the contents.
You okay?
“I told you I’m fine.” Sirius slowly spoke through gritted teeth.
The rest of Charms and the classes following weren’t much better, and once lunch rolled around, Sirius found his mood to become even more sour when Fabian ever sat beside Remus again. They sat quite close, in fact, they were closer than Remus ever sat beside any of their friends, including Sirius himself.
The rumbling only grew when he could have sworn he saw Remus bring his hand from the table and reach for Fabian underneath. Luckily, the clock loudly struck signaling the end of lunch and Sirius beelined for the door.
~*~
“Why’s Remus with Fabian?” Sirius asked later that night. He tried to sound casual as he continued to pack his trunk for holiday while James and Pete played exploding snap on the floor. After dinner, Remus said he’d be in the library and Sirius resisted the urge to check the map, though deep down, he knew he would just be filled with anger if he saw Remus’ dot with Fabian’s.
“Well, you typically spend time with someone when you’re dating them.” James chuckled from the floor.
Sirius accidentally knocked over his trunk at the sound of the words and as it fell to the floor with a loud thud, both James and Pete practically jumped from their skin. Sirius muttered a string of curse words as he pulled the heavy trunk back to his bed.
“Dating? Who said anything about dating?” Sirius rushed as he brought both hands through his hair and turned to his friends.
“Remus did,” Pete slowly nodded and glanced over to James for help, then back at Sirius. “This morning actually—”
“What? He absolutely did not say such a thing!” Sirius exasperated, “I think I would remember if my best mate is dating someone—”
“Well regardless if you remember it, he is and it’s Fabian.” James slowly said, momentarily glancing back to Pete. He opened his mouth a few times to try to speak before finally finding the courage to say what was on his mind. “Mate, are you alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Sirius huffed as he quickly turned back to his trunk. He began to harshly shove his belongings into his trunk, not caring if the contents didn’t properly fit.
“You’ve been acting a bit odd ever since Remus showed up to breakfast with Fabian—”
“How many times do I have to say that I’m fine, James?” Sirius spat as he attempted to close his trunk. He tried to push down with one arm while using the other to latch the trunk. “I’m fine.”
“You’re fine?” James repeated, clearly not convinced.
“Never better, perfectly fucking peachy.”
“You don’t sound fine—” Pete piped up as he rose to his feet.
“Shut up, I am.” Sirius snapped as he finally managed to close his trunk.
“You sound a bit jealous—” Pete continued as he sat on one of the desks.
“Not now, Wormtail!” James groaned as he scrambled to his feet.
“What do you mean by jealous, Pettigrew?” Sirius narrowed his eyes, completely disregarding what James had said.
Pete shrugged as he opened one of the drawers in the desk and found Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans. He popped one in his mouth and didn’t even grimace at the flavour.
“You just seem a bit jealous that Remus is dating someone who’s not you,” He explained as though it were common knowledge, completely oblivious to Sirius’ heart sinking at the statement. Pete popped another bean in his mouth and immediately spit it out into his hand. “Ew, bloody earwax—”
“James, are you hearing this?” Sirius raised his voice with a blush forming on his face and turned to James, who had since flopped down on his own bed. “Me? Jealous of Fabian?”
James squirmed a bit at the sudden confrontation and glared at Pete before turning back to Sirius. Just as he tried to speak, Sirius harshly continued.
“So you think I’m jealous too?”
“Well yeah, you like Remus—” James nodded as though it were obvious.
“No I don’t!”
Suddenly, the dorm filled with laughter from James and Pete, leaving Sirius as a blushing mess in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips. By the time the laughter had started to die down, Sirius’ entire face was crimson. He had never thought twice about possibly liking blokes and had only ever been with girls, how on earth could his friends conjure such a preposterous idea?
“Stop laughing, I don’t like Remus.” Sirius glared as he crossed his arms.
The laughing quickly ceased and rather than his two friends looking at him with smirks, they stared back at him with curious looks on their faces. James’ was a bit more sad and long, while Pete’s was more relaxed and easy.
“Sorry mate, we just thought—”
“Well you thought wrong.” Sirius cut off, just as the door opened. Remus slowly walked inside and glanced between all three of the boys.
“Shit, who died?” He asked as he made his way to his bed and leaned against the bedpost.
As James and Pete exchanged glances then looked between Sirius and Remus, then back at each other, Sirius rolled his eyes. He sucked his teeth and stormed off, accidentally brushing his shoulder against Remus’ on the way out. He slammed the door shut behind him and raced down the stairs, all the while pushing the sudden fluttery feeling from bumping into Remus as far down as it would go.
~*~
The ride back to London the next morning was long and Sirius found himself slumped against the window for the majority of it. He was still angry with James and Pete for insinuating that he liked Remus when they had nothing to base it off of.
At one point, Fabian poked his head inside the compartment looking for Remus, and Sirius bit back a groan as he watched Remus leave with a smile. As his grey eyes looked out the window and watched as they passed trees and greenery, Sirius tried to think of something other than Remus, but it was easier said than done. Even if he wasn’t specifically thinking about Remus, he was thinking about whether or not he liked boys.
Surely he’d know if he liked boys, but after dating Marlene at the end of fourth year and snogging girls in broom closets and empty classrooms, he didn’t think there was even the faintest possibility of being interested in blokes. Just as the train pulled into the station, Sirius settled on the idea that even if he was jealous, there was no way he could be jealous of Remus being in a relationship. He liked flirting and rendering girls speechless with his words—he was bloody good at it too— and he liked having noncommittal sex. The last thing Sirius wanted was to be in a relationship with anyone, but if that were the case, wouldn’t the waves of green jealousy vanish?
He followed James off the train and looked for their parents, who were waving with wide smiles on their faces. As James opened his mouth to seemingly apologize again for the umpteenth time that day, Sirius walked off and met Euphemia with a hug.
“Would you stop growing!” She smiled up at him and somehow all the questions and anger rolled off Sirius in a single second. “How’s the term?”
“Long and busy,” He nodded with a smile.
He briefly turned at the sound of James finally walking over and rolled his eyes before turning back to Euphemia.
“Can we go home?” He asked as he brought a hand up to cover a yawn. Though he wasn’t genuinely tired, he knew Euphemia would immediately cave in and apparate them back home if she caught on to how exhausted her boys—or at least one of her boys—were.
She quickly nodded and turned to Fleamont and James, who were in a heated conversation about the Quidditch season, and insisted they leave the crowded station.
As soon as they arrived back home, Sirius was too agitated and unsettled to focus on anything beside his bed, but just as he reached his bedroom, he was pulled across the hall. He let out a groan and crossed his arms as James dragged him to his room and quickly closed the door.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
“So then why are you still mad?” James furrowed his brows.
“James, for the last time, I’m not mad!” He snapped, “I’m just fucking exhausted.”
James hesitated before slowly nodding and though Sirius wanted to yell at James for crashing the wall in Sirius’ mind that at one point held back any and all confusing feelings, Sirius settled for a slight nod. He turned on his heel and left, quickly closing and locking his own door before the thought of following even had a chance to form in James’ mind.
He slid down against the wall until he reached the floor and muttered a silencing charm before holding his knees to his chest. The longer he sat in the quiet room, the longer thoughts consumed his mind.
He always had a different friendship with Remus, he always sought out comfort from the tall boy with the brown curls. He always felt the love for his friend burst through his chest, but he never questioned it. He never questioned why he felt the most at ease with Remus at his side, why he felt the most relaxed when Remus would comfort him after a nightmare, why he inadvertently grinned whenever Remus so much as called out his name. He never questioned any of it, but once he started, he couldn’t stop. Just as the questions didn’t seem to have an end, the tears streaming down his face didn’t either.