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Nightly patrol has been unusually quiet that night. For the past several night, actually. As much as Marinette tried to convince herself she wasn’t a fan of Chat Noir’s daily shenanigans, she was wrong. In fact, she thoroughly enjoyed his upbeat, goofy attitude, though she would never let him have the satisfaction of knowing that. It helped keep her mind at ease, away from the pressure of being the new guardian.
Out of everything that had happened to her in the past year, she could always count on Chat to be who he was. He was the one consistent thing in her life, and it comforted her. But this was anything but consistent. Originally she’d allowed herself to chalk it up to just being exhausted. With Shadowmoth, there had been a spike in akuma cases and it seemed as though every time her head hit the pillow, another akuma alert went off. It wasn’t so far fetched that maybe he wasn’t himself because he was tired, so she didn’t ask. But it worried her.
He stopped making cat puns. That’s when she knew something was really off. He lived for them. And when he resorted to calling her “Ladybug” instead of ‘buggaboo’ or ‘m’lady’, she decided to put her foot down. She missed her Chat and she wanted him back.
“You’ve been quiet lately,” she started, dropping down next to where he was seated. “I’m not gonna lie, it’s a little unsettling. I thought I’d like the peace, but, it just feels wrong.”
He shrugged, but made no effort to speak.
“You can tell me if something’s bothering you, you know that right?”
"You told her, didn't you?" he interrupted, keeping his gaze fixated on the silhouette of the Eiffel Tower, illuminated by the full moon behind it.
The question took her by surprise. Not because she didn't know what he meant, she knew exactly who and what he was talking about. But Alya promised she wouldn't tell anyone, and she hadn't. Neither had Marinette. It was their secret.
"How did you know?"
"Come on, Ladybug. How could I not? You've started bringing Rena everywhere, even when we don't need the help. And ever since she's started tagging along, don't think I haven't noticed you're much cheerier than before. I put two and two together, I'm not stupid."
"I didn't mean to insinuate that you were," she said. "It's just, we didn't tell anyone, and I was hoping to keep it that way."
"I thought our identities were supposed to be a secret," he said, swinging his legs off the side of the roof.
"They are," Marinette said quickly. "I mean, it wasn't something I planned to do. It just...happened. We were talking and it just came out."
He pursed his lips. "So then...I guess that means you know her. As a civilian, I mean."
"Yes–I mean no–I mean–" She struggled to find the right words. “I'm sorry, Chat. I am, but I honestly didn't mean for it to happen. I wouldn't have told her otherwise, I just...I really needed the help. I was struggling, with my civilian duties, as a hero, and being the new guardian on top of that. It felt like I was drowning. I needed someone there for me, and she was."
He glanced at her, his expression impossible to read. "Yeah, so was I."
"It's not that I don't trust you," she said. "I know what you're thinking and it's not that. I do trust you. Wholeheartedly, I just...needed someone who wasn't just in my superhero life, and she was right there.”
He sighed, twirling the metal baton in his hand, effortlessly. “You know, it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if you just told me that you told someone else. I would have understood.”
“I didn’t want things to change between us.”
“They have changed though. Anyone with eyes can see that.”
“Listen, if you want, you can tell someone too. That way we're even."
"Ladybug, the only person I wanted to tell was you. I'm not like you. The weight of being a superhero isn't what keeps me awake at night," he said. "Telling someone my identity won't fix me."
She tilted her head in confusion. "I'm not sure I get it."
"My civilian life sucks, Bug. My entire schedule is planned weeks before it even happens. My dad packs my day so tight I barely have time to myself. I don't get to participate in school events. I don't get to hang out with my friends. My own father won't even join me for meals because my schedule doesn't align with his. And I know he does it on purpose," he said, his hands fidgeting in his lap. "He doesn't know that I know that, though. I don't get a say in anything that happens in my life, but if I step out of line, I get in trouble. And he's the only family I have so, I cooperate."
Marinette swallowed, unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry. I had no idea. That sounds...awful."
"Being a hero was my escape from that life. Being Chat, was the only thing I felt like I was in control of," he continued. "And I don't even think I'm in control of that, anymore."
She knit her eyebrows together in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm like the knight to your King," he said, a hint of distaste in his voice. "You make all the plans. You organize everything and I do whatever you tell me to like a good little soldier. I only know what you want me to know. Nothing more, nothing less. A knight."
"That's not true, you know that."
"Isn't though?" He scoffed. "I was so stupid to think we were actually equals. We never were. Ladybug and her glorified sidekick, Chat Noir. I was just kidding myself to feel like I actually had a purpose."
"You are not my sidekick," Marinette said firmly. "We're partners, Chat. We are equals, that's the whole reason why we work so well together. Creation and destruction; we need each other to balance ourselves."
"Of course you would think that," he said. The bitterness in his voice nipped at her skin. "Because you're the one who calls all the shots. Of course you wouldn't understand how humiliating it is to always be put in your shadow, and how exhausting it is to pretend that I don't care when I hear people talk about how useless I am behind my back. How you don't need me, and I'm just the stupid cat who's only good for ruining Ladybug's perfect plans."
"People don't really...say those things, do they?"
"Have you ever wondered why the only blog out there for us, is only dedicated to you? Or why you're the one who the press asks about after an akuma? They're not here for me, Ladybug. I'm invisible to them."
There was a stark silence between the two of them for a moment. His words cut through her like a knife. Marinette hadn't ever thought about it like that, she mostly just ignored it. She did this job because it was the right thing to do, not because she wanted the fame or the glory. It never mattered to her what everyone else thought because she knew why she was here, and that's all that was important, right?
"And you know what, maybe they're right," Chat said, after a while. "Maybe I am just a useless sidekick. I can't catch akumas, or purify them. I can't fix the damage. Half the time I'm the causing the damage. So maybe they're right."
"You don't actually believe what they say?" she asked, her heart pounding. She didn't like the direction this conversation was going in.
"I don't believe them," he said, putting an emphasis on the last word. "I believe you."
"Excuse me?"
He turned away, gazing back at the tower in front of them.
"It never mattered to me what other people thought. I just wanted you to like me. You're the Miraculous Ladybug," he said, half laughing, though there was no humor in it. "Little Miss Perfect. Everyone loves you. You're the one who fixes everything. Who makes everything okay again. In their eyes you can do no wrong. Oh, but even when you do, they don't care. They're right by your side, making sure you know it's okay, that it's not your fault and that you'll figure it out. You always do. They tell you that you're amazing and that they believe in you."
He sighed, shaking his head. "I have been there for you, every step of the way. I have supported you no matter what because I'm your partner. That's what partners are supposed to do. Support each other and pick each other up when we fall down. And I always have. But what do I get out of this? Nothing. I get nothing. No, no, wait. I take that back. I get called stupid. I get made to feel incompetent and worthless next to you. You're Ladybug. Everyone is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. They'll give you chance after chance, because Ladybug could never do something so wrong, but me? No one cares about me. They only notice me when I fuck up. And when I fuck up, you're right there, ready to shove it back in my face and down my throat as if I don't already know how much of a failure I am."
Marinette was speechless. He didn't often talk about his feelings. He tended to avoid them, if she was being honest. It pained her to know that all this time he'd been hurting, and she hadn't even cared enough to notice.
"I can take you being in love with someone else. I can take being rejected and I can take just being friends. But the one time I needed you, I..." he faltered. A tear slipped down his face, but she wasn't sure if it was out of anger or sadness. "The one time I needed your support, you didn't even to hesitate to treat me like complete crap."
"I never meant to...make you feel like that," she said softly. "If you'd have told me–"
"Told you what? How much of pathetic loser I am for being too sensitive? Because Chat Noir is the funny guy. The comedic relief. He's not supposed care what other people think." His voice was suddenly very loud. "Or maybe–maybe risk getting told I'm crazy and that I'm just making it all up because I'm taking it 'too personally'."
Marinette flinched, taken aback by his sudden outburst. Chat never lost his cool. He always wore a smile. Always cracked horrible jokes and made cat puns so bad they were funny. Sometimes she could tell he was bothered by something, but he was good at pretending he wasn't.
She noticed that about him, over the months they worked together. He was an expert in dodging questions he didn't intend on answering, and answering them without actually answering them. She also noticed how he never got mad. He was right. Even when he had every reason to blow a fuse at her, he never did. This was the first time, and she hated it.
"Sorry," he said, backing away, noticing her discomfort. "Sorry, I–I didn't meant to yell."
She glanced at him hesitantly. "You don't think–I would never..."
"Yeah, that's what they always say," he said, glaring at moon that was just beginning to dip below the horizon. "You know, I finally felt like maybe things were starting to turn around for me. That this never ending cycle of bad luck was finally breaking and that someone actually trusted me. I felt wanted. For once in my life I felt wanted. I finally thought I found someone who lo–who cared about me. That was pretty dumb, huh.”
"Chat..."
"I tried to ignore it. The changes. Because I wanted to be there for you. I knew you were having a hard time so I tried to let it go, but I'm not doing this anymore, Ladybug," he interrupted. "I'm done giving you chances. Done being the guy you get to throw under the bus. Done being your punching bag to make yourself feel better. If that's what partnership means to you, then you can find yourself a new Chat Noir. It's not like I was ever that important to begin with anyway."
She felt her stomach drop, like the way it would on a rollercoaster, but this time it was anything but exciting. She knew what was happening. Nausea crept up her throat. “Chat, please don’t do this.”
"I renounce you, Plagg." He slipped off his ring, and Marinette felt herself turned away in haste. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a flash of green light, but refused to peek any further than that. She couldn't know. Or maybe it was that she didn't want to know.
"You can look," he said, his voice dull. “I’m not hiding anymore.”
"I can't," she whispered, a lump forming in her throat. "I just...I can't. Chat, please just put the ring back on. You're wrong, I do need you. You are important to me and I am so, so sorry for making you feel like you're anything less than the best partner I could have asked for. I should have noticed, or at least said something when those people decided it was okay to insult you like that. If I'd have known I would've. Please believe that."
"You'll find someone else. You always do."
"But I don't want anyone else, Chat. Don't you get it? I just want you."
"I made my choice," he said, his footsteps growing fainter. "It's your turn now."
"I–" She turned, hoping to catch him before he could escape, only to bet met with an empty rooftop. A single silver ring lay, glistening in the moonlight, where he used to stand. "–can't do this without you...”