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The feeling when your heart throbbed painfully as if you were stabbed by a knife that’s been dulled, creating lots and lots of pain inside your chest, when you looked at a certain someone who you dearly cherished from the bottom of your heart, smiling innocently with the dirty you.
Atsushi was like the sun that shines the brightest especially when he smiled. The warm feeling of affection got him foolishly drunk and addicted, yet again, he wished he wasn’t smitten.
Foolish Dazai.
The heat from the hands that had accidentally brushed to each other, the soft-spoken voice when they talked together with a warm cup of coffee, and the feelings they stupidly build together.
Under the gentle sunlight that beams through the leaves, the flower that blossomed delicately
The time where they huddled together for warmth under the same blanket during a mission gone wrong, shoulder pressing to each other as he felt Atsushi slowly nodding off before he fully collapsed on Dazai’s shoulder, almost startling the said man. Almost. His silver eyelashes brushed against his cheekbones, his bangs had fallen haphazardly onto his face and his mouth had gone slack.
As if he was entranced by the beauty of the weretiger, Dazai softly ran his fingers through the soft-choppy hair, leaning his head to Atsushi, fully resting on top of the forefront of his head.
He decided to take the rare opportunity to study Atsushi’s appearance closely, as expected he truly looks alluring. The foolish man couldn’t consider whether this action was a mistake or not though he did not regret it.
‘Aaah… Is this what love feels like?’
The suicidal man thought.
The silence of the room was comforting, the gentle beat thrumming against his body and the angry breeze of wind was the only thing he heard. Bathump… Bathump… Bathump…
After that little incident, they manage to successfully carry out the mission, even if there were a few flaws here and there.
sways above the clouds, on a different planet, beyond dreams
Atsushi, a man with lots of flaws in the eyes of his headmaster. The orphan he saved from the streets, under the beautiful view of brilliantly red and orange skies, as if the sky itself could speak of love. The orphan who fully trusted him and believed he was a good man despite the sinful past he used to have, crimes of fraud, extortion, or even murder that still did not faze him at all.
Dazai realized, the man with beautiful orbs that reflected the sunsets, had also fallen heels for him.
Other people would have used this opportunity to confess to their beloved and then spend the time they have left together, but again… Dazai Osamu was a foolish and selfish person.
He stayed quiet.
He didn’t do anything.
He hid away his feelings and pretended as if the love he had for the younger subordinate never existed at all.
He used the same, boring and stupid excuse. Atsushi did not deserve to love a monster like him. Atsushi deserves better. He doesn't deserve the light for the crime he had done in his past.
If Atsushi asked to have lunch together, Dazai would agree happily and pretended to not know the hidden intention. If Atsushi accidentally brushed his fingers to his, he would pretend to be not fazed at all even though his stomach coiled, releasing the butterflies. If… if… one day Atsushi was brave enough to admit his feelings…. Dazai would pretend….
….
…Stupid….
He caught Atsushi crying himself a river one day.
The sinking feeling of regret coiled in his stomach, blaming him for his stupidness. Atsushi was crying because of him…
He could see through him, the walls he built over years. He knew that Dazai living in the world of pretend, he knew that Dazai loved him as well. Atsushi wasn’t stupid.
But instead of going to the weeping weretiger and apologize or perhaps comforted him, he turned his back and left. He will pretend he didn’t see anything.
“…The sunset… is beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Yes…”
I carefully drew flowers
on a patched-up paper on a fruitless day.
Our unfortunate selves are defeated by the dreams
In the end, we even let go of our promises
A petal fell on Dazai's lap when he slept on the bench by the park.