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Ben was shaking as he leaned over the toilet bowl, images of what the Horror had done flashing through his mind. He was still covered in blood. Other people's blood. Sure, they were robbing a bank, but that wasn't reason to kill them. It wasn't right.
There was a flash of blue beside him and a knock at the bathroom door. Footsteps, a door opening and closing, more footsteps and then, "Hey, Ben, how are you holding up?" It was Vanya, her voice soft and right beside him, so she was either crouching or sitting. He responded by proceeding to throw up again.
"Well, I guess that answers your question," Five muttered, and, in his mind, Ben knew his arms were crossed and he was probably leaning against the wall on the other side of him. His brother sighed, "I saw how you looked after what happened at the bank. You were all pale and clammy. I was hoping you'd feel better by now."
Feel better? If anything, Ben felt worse. Images of the Horror's tentacles flinging people and tears limbs flashed in his mind once again. He was definitely going to have nightmares that night. He hated the nightmares. He hated the killing. "I'm a monster," he groaned.
There was a pregnant pause, then an indignant, "A monster? Come on, Ben," Five scoffed, "You're literally the farthest thing from a monster."
Ben rolled his eyes, "That's not true. I killed those people."
"You were doing your job," Five retorted.
Ben looked up, glaring at his brother who only glared back, "So were they!"
Five rolled his eyes, "They were thieves. Stealing is hardly a jo—"
"I think what Five is trying to say is," Vanya cut in, shooting Five a look over Ben's head, "you're not a monster, Ben." She placed a hand on his shoulder, softening, "If you were a monster, you wouldn't care. Since you care, it shows you're human."
Ben looked away, sniffling and trying to hold back his tears. "You really think so?" Vanya responded by hugging him tightly. Ben felt Five's arms wrap around him too, probably prompted to do so by Vanya.
In that moment, in his siblings' embrace, Ben decided that maybe Vanya was right. If he was a monster, he wouldn't have his siblings to comfort him, and he wouldn't need comforting at all. Ben cared about people, a lot, so maybe she was right. Maybe he wasn't really a monster.
Vanya stared at her hands, the tears in her eyes blurring her vision. She hurt Allison. She hurt her sister. She hadn't even meant to hurt her. She was just being too emotional, she was tired of being controlled, and then-- An image of Allison falling to the ground flashed through her mind.
I’m a monster, she thought to herself.
Vanya was still running. Where? She couldn't answer that question. All she knew was that she had to get away. Away from Allison, away from Leanord, away from the pain she caused. Her lungs were burning, but she didn't care. She had to run. She had to keep running.
Vanya stopped running when she fell to her knees at a bus stop near a gas station. She sat there on a bench, hoping the next bus would come soon. There was a flash of blue beside her, and then she was face to face with Five. She blinked at him, bewildered.
"How—"
"I saw you running this way, I figured you'd end up here," he cut her off, sitting down beside her and crossing his arms.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, new tears gathering. "I hurt Allison and then I just ran. I-I didn't mean to—I swear, I—"
"I know," Five said, his eyes calculating as he looked at her. At last, his eyes seemed to soften a bit. Vanya didn't remember the last time Five's eyes had softened. Maybe she was seeing things to make herself feel better. "I know what you're thinking, Vanya, and you're not a monster."
"But I hurt her, my own sister, how—" Vanya exclaimed, only to get cut off by Five again.
"You care." She looked at him, confused. He sighed and continued, "Remember that time when Ben was upset after stopping a bank robbery?" Slowly, Vanya nodded. Ben had looked horribly pale as he kept vomiting into a toilet bowl. Her and Five had gone to check on him to make sure "he didn't die" as Five had muttered at the time. "Well, you said Ben wasn't a monster because he cared about the people he hurt and he lives he took. You said monsters wouldn't feel bad or cry about any of that. And you're right. Besides, Allison is being driven back home right now. She'll be fine."
Vanya continued to stare at Five. It was a giant relief to know Allison was going to be ok, but she wasn't sure if he was just saying that. Then again, Five was very blunt, so it had to be true.
She couldn't help but be surprised at what he'd told her, though. He remembered? She didn't think much of it when she'd been comforting Ben. Now, almost seventeen years later, Five was hitting her with her own message. A fleeting thought about how many times Five had to remind himself of that while working with the Commission passed through her mind, making her shiver slightly. Or maybe it was the cool night breeze.
"Do you...want a hug?" Five mumbled, obviously asking only out of obligation. Vanya nodded tentatively. It was an awkward hug, but it brought her some much-needed comfort. (After all, nobody gave hugs better than Ben, and that wasn't possible anymore.)
"Thank you, Five," she told him after the awkward hug. He simply shrugged nonchalantly.
Five drowned himself in alcohol. If Dolores was with him, she'd complain about him drinking too much. But Dolores wasn't there; she was in the post-apocalyptic world he'd abandoned with his dead siblings that had rotted away decades ago in the impromptu graves he'd dug.
Now, he was in a nice little apartment of his own. Well, not really. The Commission owned it and gave it to him when he started working for them as an assassin. When he started becoming more machine than human. When he started slowly becoming an uncaring, heartless, murderous monster.
He licked his lips. His mouth was dry. Too dry. He glared at the bottle of whiskey in his hand; it was empty. Sluggishly, he stood up and grabbed another from his cabinet, trying to drown out his thoughts and keep the images of his latest kill out of his mind. If he thought about it, he'd probably puke. Or maybe he just felt like that because of his drinking habit.
He sat on his small couch, slouching against the arm of it. He wasn't steady enough to sit up on his own. But still not drunk enough, apparently. Because at that moment, flashes of blood and the sound of screaming children echoed in his mind. He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut in an effort to get rid of the images and sounds taunting him. It just made it all more vivid. Parents yelling at their children to run, aiming his gun at the adults, the sound of bodies hitting the floor—
Then there was Ben, looking up at Vanya with hopeful, teary eyes. Her soft voice assuring him, "If you were a monster, you wouldn't care. Since you care, it shows you're human." Tears leaked from Five's eyes, and before he knew it, he was sobbing. He hugged himself tightly, hoping to recreate the feeling of being hugged by his siblings. The old man remained like that until he fell asleep, longing for the time before he'd ran away from home.