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The sound of tired whimpers and shifting against bedding reached Levi’s ears immediately. His head turned against the pillow toward the bedside table where the baby monitor was. Though the distance from his eyes to the image wasn’t far, he did have to lean up and lean in to see what was exactly going on. With squinted eyes Levi watched the image of the three- month old baby girl turning her head from side to side and rousing herself from sleep. The whimpers turned into low, tired cries.
Levi’s brows knitted together as he willed her to go back to sleep. Little Mikasa had proven herself to be capable of sleeping through the night but lately she’d been restless; waking up every hour or so in search of something Levi couldn’t quite figure. Was she hungry, uncomfortable? Was she just exhausted but couldn’t get herself to sleep? These were the eternal questions Levi supposed would never leave his brain now that Mikasa was an actual living being in his house and no longer just a distant relative he’d never heard of until two months ago.
Somehow, her father had been related to his mother and uncle. Third-cousins, Levi thought, although Kenny hadn’t given him a straightforward answer when the news had been broken to him. Kenny hadn’t seen nor heard from him since Levi’s mother’s funeral, which had been close to twenty-six years prior. Levi had wracked through his memories to try and see if he’d remembered the man but his memory had been greatly impacted by the stress of losing his mother at such a young age. He had no memory of the fair-haired man nor of his darker-haired wife prior to the images flashed across the news and sent to his phone from Kenny.
Apparently it had been a home invasion gone wrong. Luckily, a neighbor had heard gunshots and the police had arrived in time to stop the men from harming the baby. Unfortunately, nothing could have been done to save her parents, though not for lack of trying. It had taken the infant’s mother a week to succumb to her wounds. Her father, meanwhile, had been found downstairs with defensive wounds covering his body. The man had given one hell of a fight. Levi had to respect that.
There had been no next of kin, which shocked Levi to the core. Apparently there wasn’t even much of a will. There was no direction as to what would happen to the infant girl. Likely, he imagined, she would have gone into the foster care system or been adopted. But Levi had briefly experienced that personally as well as second-hand. He knew how bad it could be. He’d seen how it had affected him as well as his friends growing up and he felt a determination not to let that cycle repeat.
“If not us, who the hell else?” Levi had asked Erwin over dinner two months prior. His fingers had gripped the rim and sides of his tea cup rather tightly as he spoke, giving him something to do as he spoke. “Don’t want some other brat’s life fucked up before it even has the chance to start.”
Erwin had nodded as he drank from his own cup of tea. His laptop and pile of papers to be graded had been moved aside so he could concentrate fully on the conversation with Levi. His face had been contorted into a concentrated expression. There had been sympathy yet also signs of resistance on his face. “I suppose I’ll have to go to Nile’s tomorrow after work,” the blond had said. “Tell him we need that crib back, anyway. At least we’ll get the intended use out of it, won’t we?”
Levi hadn’t missed the expression of grief which had clouded Erwin’s face for the briefest of moments. His free hand had extended to take his husband’s, giving it a firm squeeze of support. “Yes, I suppose you should.”
Erwin had placed his cup down and returned the squeeze. “It’s unfortunate it had to happen this way, isn’t it?”
“Life’s a fucking bitch,” Levi had replied, his voice having withdrawn for a moment.
Erwin had given him a weary look and a nod in silent agreement. Despite their shared grief for the loss of what could have been, they both had come to terms with the fact this was a chance they had to take. Taking in Mikasa wouldn’t be replacing what had been prematurely lost. This was giving a lost soul a better chance for a better life. This was continuing on for the sake of this family they’d wanted to build together.
Back in the present, Levi was leaning forward to watch the monitor intently. He was willing Mikasa to soothe herself to sleep; something she’d proven capable of in the past month she’d been living with himself and Erwin. The monitor was held in one hand and a finger tapped the side of it in an impatient manner. “Come on, kid,” Levi muttered quietly. “Come on.”
Beside him, Erwin moved onto his back. His head turned to Levi and there was the sound of a swallowed yawn before he groggily asked, “She okay?”
“Sure hope so,” Levi responded, eyes trained on the image of Mikasa waking. He drove his teeth into the flesh of his cheek as the whimpering and crying increased in volume. “Shit.”
There was the sound of Erwin getting out of bed. Then an exhausted, “I’ve got her.”
Levi turned his head to watch Erwin get out of bed, rub his eyes, and start walking out of the bedroom. Then he checked the time. 2:26 AM.
His eyes moved back to the door where Erwin had just walked through. Levi made a mental note to check on Mikasa next. Erwin needed to get up in four hours to get ready for work. He was a university professor teaching history and politics and he had a lecture to give; one he’d been preparing for quite some time. Levi knew he could function on very little sleep but Erwin needed a specific amount, especially before a big event like this. He also was quite aware of how on edge Erwin had been lately with both preparing for the lecture as well as ensuring Mikasa was adjusting well.
Levi had to admit that Erwin made a damn good father. Even now, as he watched on the monitor, he swore that Erwin had been born to be a parent. He even gave off that unmistakable warm paternal energy that Levi had always wondered about. Everything about Erwin was considerate even when he was doing something inherently selfish. Levi watched on the monitor as Erwin leaned down to pick up Mikasa in his arms, leaning her against his chest and turning his head so he could murmur quiet words of comfort into the infant’s ear. His large hand held the back of her head and neck with such care that Levi wondered how a man who was so tall, who had done tours overseas in the military, could be this tender.
He laid down on his side and kept the monitor directly across from him. Erwin was slightly out of frame as he was walking around the nursery and saying quiet words of comfort to Mikasa as she cried and whimpered against him. Levi’s chest rose and fell as he watched and listened to the image.
Never in his life, before he’d met Erwin, had he ever considered becoming a father.
Perhaps the closest he’d gotten to feeling any sort of “paternal” feeling was when he would mentor kids who had gone through the foster care system or had grown up in less than desirable circumstances. He worked with his friends Farlan and Isabel, whom he’d practically grown up with and considered the closest thing to family besides his own husband. They’d all been through hell together and barely gotten through, but here they were. Farlan, especially, had nearly succumbed to the wrong sort of lifestyle. But with enough support and encouragement he’d been able to stay out of trouble and get himself on the right track before he’d ended up dead or in jail. Farlan had founded the mentorship program and now ran it almost singlehandedly with Levi acting as a de-facto cofounder. Isabel was in college now and on-track to graduating university, with graduate school on the horizon. Levi had never been more proud of them. He still smiled with pride when he saw pictures of them in recent years; clear-eyed, happy, and together. And alive, most importantly.
Levi had felt so protective of them. He related it to how he’d felt when Mikasa had been put into his arms and her bag of meager belongings given to Erwin. At the sign of a small, angry scar on her cheek, Levi’s instincts had been activated. When they’d gotten home and put the baby in the crib to sleep, Levi had sworn to Erwin that he’d go kill the sons of bitches who’d given this little infant girl a scar. Erwin had thankfully calmed him down and even called Farlan to come over and spend some time with him. Farlan, after all, knew how to help Levi navigate through these moments of murderous rage better than almost anyone.
It was fifteen minutes later that Erwin placed Mikasa back in her crib, turned on her sleep- machine, and left the room. When he came back, Levi leaned up on his elbows to look at his husband’s exhausted face. “She okay?”
“I think she just needed to know someone was there.” Erwin ran a hand through his hair and came back to bed, sliding under the covers with a tired sigh. “Shit, I need to sleep.”
Levi moved the monitor to the bedside table and gave Erwin his attention. “You’ve got to get up soon. Go to bed.”
Erwin laid down facing Levi and sighed as he closed his eyes. “I just wish I knew what the hell was wrong and fix it.”
“You sound like me.” Levi’s lips turned upward into an amused smile. Erwin’s did the same. The darker-haired man laid down and moved his arm loosely around his husband’s neck. His fingers crooked so his nails lightly scratched a line up and down the skin. He knew Erwin liked gestures like this, especially when he was feeling tired or overwhelmed. “Don’t overthink it. Just go to sleep and dream of lecture notes.”
A tired laugh came from Erwin’s mouth. He turned his face into the pillow to stifle the groan that came up. “Fucking hell,” the man cursed. “Why did I agree to give that lecture?”
“Because you enjoy talking about the intersection of politics, history, and whatever the fuck else in academia that gets you off.” Levi patted the spot he’d been caressing twice. “If you don’t go to sleep, I’m going to hide your coffee and that’ll teach you a lesson.”
“You’ll make my lecture worse if you do,” mumbled Erwin. “What the hell lesson would I be learning? You’re a terrible teacher.”
“Hence why I run a café, not a classroom.” Again, Levi patted the spot and leaned in to kiss Erwin on the mouth. “Lie back and think of something that isn’t a lecture.”
“Like our restless baby?” Erwin sighed and leaned his head forward into his husband’s chest. His arms wrapped around Levi’s torso and his hands gripped into the loose shirt he was wearing. “I’m definitely too old to be doing this. Being up all night.”
“Try insomnia,” snorted Levi. “Comes in handy for this.” He closed his eyes without any intention of sleeping. “I’ll get her next time. Sleep.”
Erwin pulled his head back but kept it against the pillow and his eyes closed. “Thank you.”
“ ‘Course,” Levi replied. His fingers moved into Erwin’s hair to soothe him. He could feel his husband relaxing under his arm and hand, his body easing itself of tension. He watched as Erwin’s expression eased and he easily slipped into a light sleep. It was remarkable how vulnerable the man looked when he was asleep. Levi found himself smiling at the sight when he opened his eyes. Erwin Smith was a fucking wonder, indeed.
It only took forty-five minutes for Mikasa to wake up again. Levi had been lightly dozing when he heard the sound of her whimpering turning into cries. His eyes opened and Erwin’s did, too. There was an unfixed and exhausted look to them.
A hush came from Levi’s mouth. He quietly assured, “I’ve got her,” and slid out of bed. He brought the covers up over Erwin to keep him warm and comfortable while he left the bed. Levi turned his bedside lamp light off so it wouldn’t disturb his husband and exited to go to Mikasa’s room.
It was still strange to see actual furniture in the nursery again. Admittedly, they probably shouldn’t have moved that damn crib in so early when there were still so many factors in play. But the two of them had been offered the crib from Nile and they’d jumped at the chance. They’d felt a strange sort of shame in returning the crib to Nile.
The nursery hadn’t been looked at since then and it had been, now, almost two years since their first shot at becoming parents. The road since then had seemed an even more dark and uncertain one. It had become a road where Levi and Erwin decided they wouldn’t go down until they knew they were absolutely ready to. It had broken both of their hearts but Erwin had certainly taken it hard.
Which is why Levi had been initially uncertain how Erwin would react to his suggestion of taking in his newly-orphaned distant relative. But he didn’t doubt Erwin’s aptitude at being a father. He’d taken on the role immediately and naturally as if Mikasa was his own flesh and blood. The first night, Levi had been putting away Mikasa’s few clothes while Erwin held onto her and gently bounced her against his chest to soothe her to sleep. Again, Levi had marveled at how those large hands held onto the infant with such care and consideration and how Erwin looked at the baby with awe and unmistakable love. That first night, they’d both fallen asleep with the monitor resting just barely in Erwin’s hands. Erwin had made sure to take paternity leave but it only permitted eight weeks. Now, those eight weeks were up and Erwin had begun to adjust going back to work. Levi had enough of a competent staff at the café to help him out while he adjusted to his new parental role and Farlan only requested unlimited visits pictures of his “favorite niece” as repayment for not coming in to mentor the kids as often. Their friends had also rallied around them and offered to bring them food or even help out when necessary. Levi certainly counted himself lucky in life to have a support system as far reaching as this.
He opened the door and slowly turned the dial on the wall to raise the brightness of the room. It was just enough so it was still somewhat dark but Levi could still see where he was going. He crossed over to the crib and looked over, seeing Mikasa crying and bringing up her small clenched fists. He supposed it was cute but he didn’t entirely understand it. Babies, at this age, weren’t the cutest thing in the world. Levi knew if he’d said that around Petra or even Erwin’s friend Marie then he’d be scolded. But it was true; newborn babies weren’t exactly as cute as everyone said. Especially when they cried like this.
Mikasa’s face was scrunched and reddened as she wailed. Levi wondered how lungs in such a small body could make such a loud, piercing sound.
“Come on, I hear you.” He leaned down and picked the baby up, holding her against his chest like Erwin did. He made sure to support her head and neck with one hand while patting her back and lightly bouncing her with the other.
Levi’s dark eyes cast down at Mikasa to watch for any sign of her cries quieting. No use. Not after five minutes nor even nearly ten. He switched his hold, cradling her in his arms and lightly bouncing her that way. Again, no use.
“You hungry, hm?” Giving it a try, despite Erwin’s earlier insistence, Levi placed his pinky against the corner of Mikasa’s lips. Surely, she turned her head and took the tip of his finger into her mouth. “There it is. Hungry.”
When he withdrew his finger, Mikasa whimpered and cried again. “Sorry, kid. Hang on a minute.” He brought her against his chest again to make it easier to carry her. Levi tried to walk quickly yet quietly to the kitchen where the formula and bottles were. He managed to fill the bottle with water and put the appropriate amount of scoops in there. He shook the bottle rapidly to ensure the powder properly dissolved. Then he made his way back to the nursery and closed the door.
Settling in the chair, Levi brought the bottle to Mikasa’s lips and watched her blindly find it. Her cries settled as she began to eat. Through the dim light, Levi could see her eyes open and try to find him. There was something piercing and almost intimidating about the way the infant stared up at him; so intent to stare into his soul and see the truth behind his neutral expression. Levi often felt himself unnerved by it then felt ridiculous for letting a baby unnerve him.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Levi muttered. He kept the bottle angled so Mikasa was drinking the formula rather than sucking on air. That was something he’d learned in the first couple of days; making sure Mikasa didn’t suck in air. “I’m doing it right. I’ve learned.”
It was ridiculous to talk to a baby like this, but Levi felt less and less judgmental toward himself the more time he spent in that house with his husband and this little girl who’d been thrust into their lives.
Levi sighed, listening to Mikasa’s quiet feeding noises. “You’re a piece of work, kid. Keeping me and Erwin up all night like this. Just learn to talk and make it easy on us, will you?” His fingers tapped the bottle as he watched the formula decrease. “Give your dad a break. He’s got you to worry about then work.”
He realized he’d used the word ‘dad’. Of course, that was a given. He supposed he and Erwin were Mikasa’s parents. But it was different agreeing with the abstract concept of fatherhood and then actually saying the word “father” or “dad” or any variation of such. Levi barely even referred to himself as a father. It was hard for him to come to terms with this new role; a role he felt had eluded him all his life.
He’d never known his father. Not that it had mattered for the first eight years of his life. Some memories of his mother were clearer than others but Levi remembered her—Kuchel. He remembered she was kind and gentle with him. She worked at night but always made sure to wake up early to get Levi ready for daycare or for school when he was finally old enough. She had been the first face he’d seen in the morning and the last face he’d seen at night before he went to bed. He remembered her warm hugs and how she’d say such kind things to him that made him feel wanted. Levi remembered her cutting his hair and how her gentle hands would help make any bump and bruise feel better.
His life had felt colder when she died. Cancer, Kenny had told him when he was a bit older. Terminal right from the start. Levi believed it; she’d wasted away so quickly it had shocked him to the core. The hole his mother had left hadn’t been filled by anyone. Even in the moments where he couldn’t remember her well, Levi had always been certain that nothing and no one could fill the void she had left behind.
He wondered now, watching Mikasa finish the bottle, if Kuchel had ever doubted her role as a mother or even if she was worthy of being called a mother. How had she come to terms with the mistakes she’d made from the very start of their lives together to the very end of her own? If she was here now, what would she even say? Levi tried to think of something but came up with absolutely nothing.
The sound of air being sucked told Levi that Mikasa was done. He put the bottle aside and leaned the infant against his chest, patting her back firmly so she could burp. He’d not done that a couple of times and ended up with spit-up over his favorite shirts and trousers. Levi had also smelled liked regurgitated formula for an entire day and he had discovered he hated nothing more than that.
The chair he sat in was a rocking chair so he rocked back and forth easily as he patted Mikasa’s back. Levi stared ahead at the window as he rocked, letting his mind wander. It was a likely after three AM now. He couldn’t exactly tell by the shade of the sky outside but it didn’t matter. Levi usually fell asleep between now and four-thirty so he was starting to feel a bit tired. If he could get Mikasa to settle down, it would be a small victory.
He felt her small tufts of hair tickling his chin and neck as she turned her head and whined against him. Levi looked at her out of the corner of his eye and patted a bit firmer on her back, nodding when he heard the expulsion of the burp. “There we go,” he encouraged, patting again. Another few burps and tired whines from Mikasa as she seemed to be settling down.
Tired of rocking, Levi slowly rose and walked over to the window. He looked out of it at the stars in the sky as he kept patting Mikasa’s back. “You see that?” He asked quietly. “That’s the moon.”
Levi shrugged his right shoulder up in a lazy gesture toward the sky outside the window. Of course he wasn’t expecting Mikasa to understand any of this. He was just talking for the sake of talking. Erwin did it, too, and Levi silently judged him for it. Never maliciously; only to give them both something to smile about.
“Got a whole world out there. Pretty shitty, sometimes, but I’m sure you’re aware of that.” Levi frowned as he said those words. He brought his thumb to Mikasa’s scarred cheek, moving over the pale pink mark on her cheekbone. That familiar, dull anger lit up inside of him but Levi kept it under control. Instead, he continued to speak.
“Your dad—.” An uncertain pause. Then, he moved through the internal resistance. “—Your dad is pretty happy you’re here. You’re a good kid, despite all this crying in the middle of the night.” Levi scoffed. “Wouldn’t kill you to be considerate, would it? He’s got to work to keep you happy, give you nice things.”
He adjusted Mikasa in his arms so she was supported up a bit more. Levi’s hand came to cradle the back of her head and support her neck, but also holding her near against his chest much in the way Erwin did. Subconsciously, he felt strong. But not the sort of strength that came from anything physical.
Levi turned his head a fraction. His lips pressed against Mikasa’s temple and hairline. His eyes closed as he took in a deep, calming breath. His body gently swayed back and forth, shifting the weight from heel to heel.
“I’ve got to say, you hit the lottery with him as your dad. He adores you.” Levi listened as Mikasa’s whimpers softened into little breaths. He smiled to himself. “Yeah, he’s pretty great. He’s waited a long time for someone like you. We both have.”
He found his hold on the baby growing a bit firmer, turning into more of an embrace. Levi’s eyes moved from the moon to the shadows and outlines of the trees in their neighborhood. Again, he kissed Mikasa’s temple and sighed. “It’s a shitty start you had there,” he admitted. “But I’ll try not to screw it up from this point forward. I know what that’s like.”
He paused as if waiting for a response that would never come. Not that he expected one at all. Quietly, he admitted, “Never had a dad before. Don’t know how to do this. Never thought I would, really, after what happened last time. Sorry in advance for not being perfect.”
He leaned his cheek against her head and felt Mikasa’s head nuzzle into his shoulder. Something inside his heart began to ache. His eyes squeezed tighter though his heart began to open. Levi turned his face in toward the infant’s and leaned his forehead against her smaller one. His voice grew quieter like he was sharing the deepest secret his heart and soul contained.
“I’m going to do my damndest to make you proud of me,” Levi promised. “Okay? Fucking…therapy or whatever I need to do to be the best dad I can. ‘Cause it’s not fair—.”
His nose and eyes began to burn. Levi blinked and turned to rub his eye on his free shoulder before looking at Mikasa again. Shit. He sighed and continued on speaking in the same hushed tone. “—‘Cause you deserve that shit. You deserve it. And I’m not going to let anything happen to you, kid. We’re in it for the long haul. You and me.” He smiled reflectively. “Dad, too, but this is between you and me. Don’t tell him or he’ll get jealous.”
Mikasa sighed against his shoulder. Levi nodded and leaned his cheek against her head again. “Yeah, me too.”
He shifted his weight from heel-to-heel for a bit more. He felt Mikasa’s body go slack as it did when she entered a deep sleep. But at this point, Levi was a bit reluctant to put her down into her crib. Even still, he knew he couldn’t bring her into bed to sleep with him and Erwin. She needed to be safe and to sleep in her own crib.
Levi shifted Mikasa into the cradling position in his arms. He leaned his head down to kiss her forehead in reassurance; though more for his own sake than for Mikasa’s. “Love you, kid,” he whispered.
Levi gently set the baby in the crib and watched as she made a brief, startled movement at being set down. He caressed her cheek and quietly hushed her until she settled down and turned her head to the side. Her body went into its deep relaxation again as she fell asleep.
He could have watched her sleep for the rest of the night but Levi needed to sleep. He brushed his thumb across her face once more before leaving the room and quietly closing the door behind him, taking the empty bottle as he left.
Putting the bottle on the counter, Levi washed his hands and turned off the lights before heading back to his and Erwin’s bedroom. Erwin was laying on his stomach, clutching Levi’s pillow in his sleep. Levi slowly shook his head at the position. He knew it wasn’t good for Erwin’s neck to sleep like that but he’d only be annoying about it tomorrow. He got into bed and found the monitor near the crook of his husband’s arm. Levi moved it to the bedside table and got into bed once more. Almost instantly, Erwin’s arm was strewn across Levi’s torso and he deeply inhaled.
“Not entirely asleep, huh?” Levi asked in a whisper.
Thankfully, there was no response. Good. He probably would have scolded Erwin for staying awake when he had to go to work in a couple of hours.
He held onto Erwin’s arm as he settled into a comfortable position facing his husband. Levi closed his eyes and lightly drew his fingers up and down Erwin’s skin. He felt the pull of sleep beckoning to him and, this time, he did not resist. Everything was well. He was healthy, Erwin was healthy, Mikasa was healthy and safe.
Your daughter, a voice inside said. Your daughter.
As Levi went toward sleep, he did so with a smile on his face. Yes, his daughter. His daughter was healthy and safe. No one would ever harm her; not while he was around. And that gave Levi the peace of mind to journey into a well-earned sleep.