Archive of Our Own

I can't help but love you even though I try not to,
I can't help but want you, I know that I'd die without you

Only three months into the year of 2021, they won their first award. Although unexpected, such a prestigious American prize triggered the release of carefully gated joy. Taehyung, albeit equally as surprised as the others, soon felt the rush of it too.

So going out had been a given. To celebrate their success, they had rented a room at a restaurant not far off.

Jeongguk sits across from Taehyung. The blue that melts into the ends of his hair is vibrant under the lights of the restaurant. The illumination of the room paints his face in all colors of the rainbow. First there's red. Then colder tones, blue. Purple. 

He isn't doing much, just watching the others as they have fun. His eyes widen, mouth opening in a smile to show his teeth as Seokjin does something particularly funny. Even through the varying weak illumination of the place, Taehyung can see the glint in his eyes. The one that shows when he's excited. 

His shoulders bunch up, cheeks filling as he finally lets out an elongated, proper laugh. It makes Taehyung forget about his surroundings all too easily. 

Jeongguk turns towards him then, probably confused as to why Taehyung isn't laughing along with the rest of the group. He catches Taehyung staring, expression going soft with this realization. Taehyung thinks about cupping his warming cheeks. 

But it's already enough that one of the members might have seen the glances they shared across the table. 

Their knees knock together under the table. 

The food is delicious, mouth-watering as it arrives. Jeongguk digs right into it, and Taehyung watches him fondly. 

Honestly, he doesn't know why he's being so clingy tonight. It would be a lie to say he doesn't have these thoughts on a daily basis, but specifically tonight, where there is so much to celebrate and concentrate on instead, he can't get himself to stop his mind from having all these thoughts. 

Most of them are just observations, anyway. The harmful thing comes in with the feelings and wishes that accompany them. 

Observation: Jeongguk's fingers are tinted pink and delicate when he holds his chopsticks. Feeling: starved of touch suddenly. Wish: to hold Jeongguk's hands and kiss his knuckles, one by one, to praise the hard work he performs with them. 

Sometimes, when his desires are more innocent, Taehyung will make them reality. He'll cuddle up to Jeongguk at any given time, craving the comfort of his warmth. Jeongguk does the same sometimes. It's a mutual thing. 

It's all a mutual thing. The whole orchestra of feelings is just waiting to be freed inside of Taehyung's chest. But he doesn't directly acknowledge it, and neither does Jeongguk. 

The way home passes by in a blur. City lights are mere stripes against the outside world traveling by as they sit in the darkness of the car. 

No questions asked as the two of them had parted from the rest of the group to take a car for themselves. Just a lone, half drunken goodbye from Taehyung in their name and the phantom touch of what might've been Jeongguk teetering on the edge of holding Taehyung's arm. But that's always how he's liked to be touched so it could've been his imagination.

The lights of Taehyung’s bedroom tinge the space in a warm, sleepy lighting. Taehyung's body feels the same way, tired, but comfortable. Something warm that he only lets seep through on rare occasions filling his body as he watches Jeongguk slip into a large sweater.

Then it's silent save for the faint white noise of night life in the background. 

"I wish," Jeongguk begins, but then cuts himself off, facing the ground. 

He stands before the bad indecisively. Thinking, evaluating. Weighing his words. In the end, he doesn't say anything. He sits down on the bed, searching for Taehyung's figure as if to indicate he's waiting for him to follow.

Taehyung does. He curls up next to Jeongguk. 

"Sometimes I wish," Jeongguk starts again, but hesitates once more. 

Taehyung nods, encouraging him to go on. 

"I wish we were born in another world."

"What do you mean?"

Jeongguk's eyes are roaming the space behind Taehyung's head as he thinks. Searching for the right words. 

"I mean, what if we met under different circumstances."

Taehyung understands without Jeongguk having to specify. He still waits for him to continue, but nothing more leaves Jeongguk's lips. What he said had been enough already. Enough to be dangerous in many ways. 

Jeongguk doesn't ask for it, but Taehyung takes his hand. It lies between them, caged by their bodies like a secret. Which it is. But Taehyung doesn't want Jeongguk to think it's something he's ashamed of. So he grasps his hand tighter. 

It doesn't take long until Jeongguk's eyelids drop. Taehyung himself fights his sleepiness. Just a little longer, he thinks. Jeongguk is already still, his chest rising and falling evenly. 

Taehyung watches him. The dip of his lower lip and the spot beneath it. He thinks about pressing his lips against it. About putting his hand against the other one on the side of his neck. But they stay thoughts. Jeongguk's lashes are long as they rest on his cheek, and Taehyung wants to count them until he falls asleep. 

But Jeongguk's hand twists in his, and he moves, adjusting his head on the pillow. Maybe he shuffles closer, but that might just be Taehyung's imagination. Maybe Taehyung is projecting. 

"Good night, Taehyung," he says. 

His voice is so soft that it rounds and softens the corners of all consonants. 

"Good night, Koo."

Jeongguk smacks his lips, a cute habit he does when he's content. It makes the dimples at the corners of his mouth appear. Taehyung's eyes feel heavy, but so does his heart. So he keeps his gaze trained on Jeongguk's peaceful face until he can't fight falling asleep any longer. 

When Taehyung wakes up, Jeongguk is still snoring quietly beside him. He hasn't budged an inch all night. Taehyung finds that he hasn't unwillingly moved to hug Jeongguk in his sleep either, although there's a lack of pillow under his arm. 

Maybe he's hungered for human contact (a specific human's contact) for so long that the warmth radiating from Jeongguk's sleeping form had been enough to satisfy his need to reach for something in his sleep. Or maybe Jeongguk's comforting presence has always been enough to make him feel safe sleeping. 

They had drawn the curtains before sleep so there's no morning light to brighten the room, but the sun peeks through the sides of the blinds and it's enough to see around the room. 

Taehyung sits up immediately, grasping for his phone on the nightstand. He reads the time and gasps once the numbers indicating the time of the day come into view. It's noon. They have a schedule. 

Taehyung turns on the bed, mind still groggy from sleep. Too much sleep. His hand is dashing out to shake Jeongguk awake in urgency, but he pauses at the sight of Jeongguk's peaceful sleeping face. So instead he gently nudges his shoulder. 

"Jeongguk?" he whispers, "Jeongguk!"

Jeongguk's eyes are squeezing together tightly before he opens them with a start. He frowns, vision probably still fuzzy. His eyes widen as he spots Taehyung's face above him. For a second, Taehyung thinks it's panic, and that Jeongguk doesn't remember sharing a bed with Taehyung. They did drink a lot the night before. 

But then Jeongguk's shoulders slump back into the blanket, chest dropping. He doesn't look stressed. Relief floods through Taehyung and he almost forgets he's supposed to be panicking.

"Come up," he tells Jeongguk, "we're late."

Jeongguk shifts. 

"How late?"

Taehyung checks the time again. 

"Like, three hours off schedule late."

Jeongguk's eyes fly open again, and then he's sitting up perfectly straight.

"What? No one woke us?"

It does sound strange. Normally one of the members if not staff would be banging on their door to stand up. 

"Maybe we didn't hear," Taehyung guesses, but notices it sounds wrong even as he says it. 

 Jeongguk shakes his head. No, they wouldn't have just left without them. They would have done a celebratory live stream as well, and Taehyung doubts they would leave the two of them out of something so important. 

"Let's get up."

So they scramble out of bed, Taehyung letting Jeongguk into the bathroom first as he changes. 

 Taehyung's own apartment looks different in the morning light as he pulls the curtains to the side. 

But the world outside is the same as always. Same streets and tall buildings framing the complex. Same sky. 

Jeongguk returns fully clothed. He had only taken off his jacket and shrugged on the sweater Taehyung had flung at him last night. He looks so small when he isn't wearing fitted clothes. Taehyung feels a little useless standing in the middle of his bedroom and watching Jeongguk ruffle his hair as he's slowly waking up. 

"Have you called the others yet?" Jeongguk is asking, and it drags Taehyung out of his trance. 

"No, no."

He speed-dials the contact saved on his phone as jimin and prays Jimin won't be mad at them. Taehyung expects the ringing tone to appear as the number connects, but instead he's met with a robotic voice telling him to try again because the number is unavailable. 

Taehyung's stares at the display, but there's only a picture of Jimin's face smiling back at him. At first he thinks he called the wrong number, but then he goes through his call history and finds the exact same he had just called. 

"The call isn't forwarding," Taehyung frowns. 

"Try Yoongi."

So Taehyung tries to call Yoongi, but with no avail. The same voice message as before pops up. 

"That's strange," Jeongguk mumbles as he comes up next to Taehyung to watch him. 

They go through the rest of the members and even their managers, but none of them work. 

"Maybe there's something wrong with the network," Taehyung hypothesizes. 

Either way they get dressed, pulling up their face masks as they exit the building. It isn't far from the dorms, only a short walk. It's silent between them the entire way, and Taehyung realizes just how long it's been since they were on their own together somewhere. Since they were allowed. In public. 

It doesn't make the situation awkward, but it makes Taehyung sad. He's gotten so used to pushing his feelings away every time they come knocking at his front door, but he knows he can't ignore them forever. How glum they make his mood. 

Thankfully they arrive at the gates to the dorm complex before Taehyung's thoughts can swallow him up again. But when he digs his hands into the pockets of his jackets and retrieves his wallet, his card is nowhere to be found. Without the card, they can't scan to get in at the gate. 

"Jeongguk? Have you got your card?"

Jeongguk nods, reaching into his large jacket as well. 

"Of course I have my-"

He freezes, hand stuffed in the pocket. 

"I don't have my card either."

Taehyung blinks. 

"Maybe we left them at my place."

Jeongguk frowns, then waves him off. 

"We'll ask the guards. They'll let us in when they recognize us."

So they hurry forwards to the guard's house, the wind having picked up in the last half hour and blowing cold air towards them. Taehyung waits for Jeongguk to go up to the man supervising at this hour, shivering in his jacket. 

He expects Jeongguk to come back and wave at Taehyung to follow him inside, but instead Jeongguk returns with his frown deepened. He looks thoughtful but also shocked. 

"What is it?" Taehyung asks, feeling a chill down to his bones that has less to do with the wind and more with the worried expression on Jeongguk's face. 

"He told me to get lost," Jeongguk whispers. 

Taehyung barely hears him above the wind, but it's enough to have his mind reeling. 

"What? What do you mean?"

Jeongguk's face is pale and Taehyung almost cups it in confusion and worry. 

"He said," Jeongguk repeats, beginning to lisp the more worked up he gets, "that I'm the third person to attempt getting into the compound today and that he's tired of people pretending to be idols to be invited inside."

None of it makes sense. 

"Did you show him your driving license or something?"

Jeongguk nods feverishly. 

"That's the scariest part. He looked unimpressed. Told me to finally leave."

"What the hell."

Jeongguk sniffs, either because of the wind or as an automatic response to something stressful. 

"At first I thought maybe the guard is new, but you don't - they would know we live here. And then I recognized him. He's been here for much longer."

"I don't understand," Taehyung mutters.

Jeongguk seems to. 

“I - I think I get it. We’re not us."

“Huh?”

“I mean, you’re Taehyung and I’m Jeongguk, but we’re not famous here. It explains not being recognized or having a schedule to be on. We are-”

It hits Taehyung like a trainwreck. 

“”In another world?”

Jeongguk nods profusely. 

“A life where there’s no BTS, like an alternate universe.”

“We’re not known,” Taehyung repeats, slowly catching up.

"Does that mean—"

Jeongguk doesn't finish the sentence, but his eyes are filled with wonder and Taehyung knows exactly what he means. Taehyung's heart races at the indication.

We’re in the middle of a busy street in Gangnam but I could reach for your hand and no one would stop me Taehyung’s mind supplies.

Of course fears and worries follow, about what happens to their friendships. ARMY. But in the moment, it paradoxically most heavily weighs on Taehyung that he feels incredibly lighthearted. 

They agree that it’s a dream. 

“I often dream of you, so it’s plausible,” Jeongguk says. 

Unfiltered. 

Taehyung smiles. 

"So this is what it feels like."

They finally came to sit down at a cafe from their trainee days. Back when they could easily order from the counter in broad daylight. It's nostalgic but not a happy type of nostalgia. Taehyung doesn't remember the joy of those days but rather the absence of them now. 

Jeongguk just finished ordering his (sickly sweet - "If this is a dream it won't affect my diet") milkshake and their hands are now lying intertwined on the table. Out for anyone's eyes to see. Anyone who walks by their booth could see them. A quick glance while passing would be enough to tell they belong together. 

Not even by their hands. Just by the way Taehyung is leaning towards Jeongguk as if the table between them is unbearable. Like Jeongguk's frown as he tries to figure out whether to have strawberry or banana flavor is the most fascinating sight and Taehyung can't miss a second of it. 

Jeongguk nods, now lost in thought as he watches pedestrians rush by through the window. It's almost like the firm grasp of Taehyung's hand grounds him from floating away in his thoughts. 

"I keep waiting for something to happen," he says eventually, "like cameras filling up the window any second. Or the waiter taking a picture and publishing it and the media producing a dozen articles within seconds."

It does feel weird. Unnatural not in the sense that Jeongguk's hand isn't supposed to belong in his, but being allowed to. Having this. Something as simple as having lunch together. There's nothing to be afraid of here, but worry still claws at Taehyung's mind. Worry that the illusion could break any second and that a screaming customer could interrupt their bubble any second now, asking questions and demanding responses. 

But it doesn't happen, and Taehyung feels lighter every second. Their milkshakes arrive and there's nothing of malicious intent about the waiter. Jeongguk keeps holding his hand as he sips on the milkshake. People pass by their window without turning. The world goes on. 

Jeongguk has long finished his drink and the conversation has shifted when his eyes light up. Taehyung's attention perks up, knowing that look from long nights of brainstorming for music together. 

"We should make a bucket list," he proposes. 

Taehyung tilts his head. 

"Oh? Like for now?"

Jeongguk nods, eager as his mind seems to fill with ideas. 

"We don't know how long whatever this is is going to last," he states, "so why not make the most of it?"

It's the only logical conclusion, really. Taehyung fully agrees, heart beginning to pick up on speed as he too starts to let his mind drift to all the things they could do now. 

"But what if we wake up in our world again tomorrow?" Taehyung can't help but hypothesize. 

Jeongguk thinks about this for a split second. 

"Then we'll have had a really nice day."

Jeongguk suggests they crash at his place for now. It's already late afternoon with how much of the day they had missed sleeping and how long Taehyung had made Jeongguk stay in the cafe just to watch the obvious way their hands were holding each other. 

"Okay," Jeongguk says first thing after he gets writing supplies, "this is going to be our list."

The paper is lined and has bunnies sitting in the corners. The frame is made of carrots and Taehyung can't help but coo at Jeongguk's stationery collection. When he lets Jeongguk know this, he looks abashed, revealing that Yoongi told him that finding the right paper can help with the process of letting the words for lyrics flow easily. 

At first, it’s difficult to even begin thinking of the new field of possibilities that now lies before them. But then, once the first idea leaves Jeongguk’s lips, it’s like they can’t stop. The thoughts flow like a broken dam, made reality by the way Jeongguk’s hand shakes in anticipation as it juts down their ideas. 

The list ends up ranging from the top of the page to the complete bottom. As Taehyung reads the finished product, he can’t help the way waves of sadness wash over him. Most of the points are mundane activities - shopping, going to the cinema, taking a walk downtown - things Taehyung should be able to do already. 

He doesn’t dwell on it though, the sparkle of Jeongguk’s eyes and unbridled excitement radiating off him bringing joy to his own heart. 

On the very last line of the sheet, Jeongguk had written no rules.

They go shopping first, as it turns out things indeed haven’t returned to normalcy the next day. Taehyung picks Jeongguk up. 

Thankfully, both of them seem to have kept their cards. Walking through the city, Taehyung’s feet feel bewinged as they urge him to walk faster with sudden excitement. Jeongguk trails after him, hurrying to stay by his side. 

Taehyung appreciates the little things. He loves being able to focus fully on his surroundings without worrying about his own appearance. He loves taking his time in each store, loves fooling around and chasing Jeongguk through rows of expensive jackets. He loves sitting down in the middle of the mall, watching Jeongguk devour an ice cream cone. 

Masks down, with no one to care about the affection dripping from Taehyung’s features as he regards Jeongguk getting the sticky fluid everywhere. He hesitates at first, momentarily forgetting their newly granted freedom, but then wipes Jeongguk’s mouth clean with his thumbs. Ignores the blush forming on his own cheeks when he’s met with big eyes. 

Jeongguk takes his hand on the way to the cinema. A swift little motion while he’s explaining the gist of the Marvel universe, but it stops Taehyung’s earth from moving for a second. 

To complete the day, they get takeout and head to the next park, leisurely strolling through the paths. Jeongguk’s hand stays intertwined with Taehyung’s, sometimes squeezing as if to reassure himself that he’s really, truly there. 

Eventually they drop to sit down at a comfortable spot on the grass, the evening glow setting a calm atmosphere. They dive into their hamburgers, enjoying the nonexistence of the diet they’re usually given. 

Belly full, Taehyung slumps against Jeongguk’s shoulder. He’s solid and perfect, and just what Taehyung needs. Even after the relief and happiness of the day, Taehyung thinks he’d give those activities up if it meant being able to feel Jeongguk’s warmth, the steady beat of his heart. Even if it had to be in solitude, private. 

“I really liked today,” Jeongguk says for both of them. 

He’s a still anchor next to Taehyung, watching children play on a nearby bench. 

“Me too.”

“I wish we could do this every day.”

What’s stopping us, Taehyung almost asks. 

“Is it greedy?” he wonders instead, “that we’ve been allowed this but it still feels insufficient?”

Jeongguk seems to think about it. But he says nothing, turning to face Taehyung after a short minute. He must catch the longing in his eyes, had it not been transparent enough in his voice. 

“Taehyung,” he says. 

Nothing else, the gentle tone of it and the dew drops in Jeongguk’s irises continuing to speak. He blinks at Taehyung, except his eyes never quite fully open again, taken over by the full body daze of being so close that Taehyung so often struggles with. 

They used to kiss. Not in the way someone would think. Definitely not in the way the other members had thought. But the gentle nudge of Jeongguk's cheek against Taehyung's nose when he kissed the skin there felt just as intimate. 

They used to sit together, laughing about something as nonsensical and unimportant as Taehyung posting a picture of Jimin instead of the playlist he wanted to share. And then Jeongguk would still, face remaining fond as he leans to the side to touch his lips just behind Taehyung's ear. 

Taehyung remembers his face heating up, pushing Jeongguk playfully and breaking the moment. He remembers letting Jeongguk into his room at night so they could fall asleep curled up against each other. Jeongguk resting his head in Taehyung's lap in the practice room after a long session, with Taehyung watching himself thread his hands through Jeongguk's sweaty hair to push it from his forehead in the mirror.

He also remembers the end of it, the ocean of silence that grew between them. How Jeongguk learned to communicate his touch through his eyes whenever the space between their bodies became too difficult. The defiance with which he treated their separation sometimes, purposefully sitting next to Taehyung for interviews even though it hadn't been his assigned seat, touching him while he could. Before the cameras turned off and he had to face being scolded. 

Similarly, something in Jeongguk’s face darkens and he leans back in the slightest. 

“I wanted to kiss you, just now,” Jeongguk whispers.

Taehyung stares at him. The ocean rushes in his ears, all of it, until he's drowning in it. Jeongguk's mouth opens and closes, as if he himself isn't sure what to say. He looks hopeless, pained almost, and Taehyung hates it. He wants to reach out and hold him, promise that there is no reason to be afraid. But he understands that he needs to let Jeongguk speak, to figure it out on his own. 

"I've always wanted that," Taehyung contributes, hoping it’ll make Jeongguk feel less alone. 

"I know."

He sounds small, broken. But not beyond repair, never beyond repair. Taehyung will always find a way to fix him. 

"Then why is it so hard to say the reason?" Taehyung asks, feeling his own despair seep through and into the edges of the words. 

Jeongguk shakes his head as if to communicate that he doesn't know either. 

"Maybe because you spent so long denying yourself the answer."

It hits the spot dead on. Taehyung inhales, shaky, nerves on edge, feeling fragile, unstable like breathing too harshly will make him evaporate. 

But there’s Jeongguk. Beautiful like a light in the dark, no matter how much his dark clothes blend into the night. Taehyung’s always been fearless next to him. Jeongguk often acknowledges how safe Taehyung had always made him feel, but he’s just as much of an anchor to Taehyung. 

So he decides. 

"I’ll say it,” Jeongguk says then, firmly, “I want you. I want you too badly, I can't not, especially now that I've gotten a taste of what it's like to have you."

"Why resist?"

Jeongguk seems momentarily taken aback by Taehyung’s change of position.

"Taehyung..."

"You know," Taehyung argues, "you don't need to worry about anything here."

Jeongguk nods, slowly. 

"But what if it's all gone tomorrow?"

Taehyung shrugs. Now that he’s eased his own fear, it seems silly to even ponder about it.

"Didn't you say it yourself? Won't we have had the best time? It would be a waste not to savor this opportunity."

He knows this is the heaviest point, that Jeongguk won't deny it. 

Jeongguk nods, slowly again at first, then gaining enthusiasm. 

“Okay,” he agrees, “okay.”

Taehyung doesn’t think about kissing him again when he drives Jeongguk home. 

Which is a lie, he thinks about it always. He doesn’t plan on doing so, tonight anyways. It’s all too tempting though, with the way Jeongguk grins at him as he says good night. When he holds Taehyung’s hand for a second too long and his eyes flicker across Taehyung’s face. 

They're sitting by the Han river, watching the sun sink. Such a picnic had been the last thing on their list that could be completed on this day, so they hadn't hesitated in packing their bags. 

Earlier, they had done a museum tour. Jeongguk made Taehyung laugh so loudly by copying the pose of some of the statues that they were reprimanded by staff for disturbing other visitors. Then they sat down in a bistro for lunch and Taehyung drew some of the pictures Jeongguk had taken and gifted them to him. 

It's still a little cool, especially at dusk. The spring air had left goosebumps on Jeongguk's skin, and Taehyung found himself moving closer on the blanket to share warmth. 

It's come to the point where they're now cocooned in each other's jackets, feet sliding together at the edge of the blanket where it meets the grass. 

Taehyung watches Jeongguk's side profile as he watches the way the water glistens under the last few rays of sun for the day. He wishes he had his camera on him, but he knows it's better to let the memory settle in his mind. 

The black of night falls like a cloak over their bodies, the light of the street lamps mimicking stars. 

Taehyung caresses Jeongguk's cheeks at some point, fingers indenting the soft skin at the places his dimples hide. Their surroundings forgotten, Taehyung gets lost in the silhouette of Jeongguk’s body. 

He senses Jeongguk leaning in, so Taehyung catches his face with his hands, but not to pull him closer. He gently holds Jeongguk in place, thumbs brushing his temple to soothe the rejection. 

"Not now," Taehyung whispers, "I want to see your face." 

"Oh," Jeongguk says, "oh."

"Yeah. I promise, I’m dying to.”

 He sees Jeongguk nod. An arm nudges his side. 

"That was romantic. Does the dark make you bolder? We should go out more at night."

Taehyung rolls his eyes even though he knows Jeongguk can't see. 

"Who knows? You could just visit my room at night to find out instead."

"Tae!" Jeongguk hisses, scandalized but giggling.

"What? It's not like you haven't been crawling under my sheets at night when we're at the dorms."

"You're one to talk," Jeongguk huffs, "caging me when I don't share my pillows. Waking up early just to spend another hour in my bed."

"You love it."

"Yeah," Jeongguk admits, "I do."

It melts Taehyung's core and has the playfulness giving way to something more honest.

"I miss you." 

Jeongguk leans back into him. 

"I know. Me too."

Back at Taehyung’s apartment, they fill more time playing games. Taehyung proves himself to be a fair rival. Or Jeongguk lets him win on purpose and pretends to be dejected.

There’s a movie playing in the background now. Taehyung’s sound system lets the volume travel through the room easily, but they end up only hearing each other as they talk. The conversation ranges from deep to simple, anything and nothing. 

“Remember when we moved into the new dorms and you brought this really heavy box, and no one knew what you were carrying, but then you tripped and the box’s contents spilled and it was all socks?”

Jeongguk buries his face in his hands. 

“Of course! It was humiliating.”

Taehyung giggles. 

“Don’t be. I think I fell in love with you then.”

Jeongguk stills, slowly setting his hands down. Taehyung almost asks him what’s wrong, but then he realizes his words. He considers apologizing, but Jeongguk is faster. 

“Did you mean that?”

Taehyung thinks for a second. Not about the answer, it’s a truth set in stone. But about something to do with trust and liberty. He takes the leap. 

“No.”

Jeongguk frowns. 

“Then what-”

“It was earlier.”

Jeongguk’s lips part, forming a perfect O. A picture perfect smile replaces the letter. 

“Really?” he asks, using his hands to scoot his lap closer, “when? I bet you can’t top me.”

A grin tugs at Taehyung’s lips. 

“Maybe when you were so shy at our first fan meet and I touched your chin for the first time to make you look up. Like this,” Taehyung demonstrates, flicking under Jeongguk’s chin lightly, “and you looked at me with those big beautiful eyes.”

Jeongguk’s face is a landscape. A scenery filled with valleys and slopes, beautiful as though painted. 

“Kind of like now,” Taehyung adds. 

“Mh.”

Jeongguk’s eyes are transfixed on the picture of Taehyung’s own face. He sits a little straighter, bodies aligning in height. 

“You lose,” he whispers, “I’ve loved you since pre-debut.”

Taehyung kisses him first but that doesn’t speak for much because Jeongguk awaits him already. He doesn’t notice Jeongguk’s hands on his waist right away, immersed in the give of the gentle slope of Jeongguk’s lips. 

There lies the beauty of a kiss; the intimacy of a loved face as near as possible, the privilege of being granted access to a so seldom touched body part, the secrecy of what happens between their parted lips.

It buzzes in Taehyung’s knees, the desire for more even though they’re already so close. I want to kiss him Taehyung keeps thinking, although he’s already doing so, the chest pressed against his and the warm familiar breath breathing life into him a constant reminder. Perhaps it’s so habitual of him to crave for it that the fulfilling of the wish seems insufficient. 

Taehyung feels tears threatening to escape his eyes, overcome with relief and love and euphoria. 

Jeongguk catches his breath, or it seems to have been the reason for the sudden break, but he doesn’t fully give himself the pause to inhale because he keeps stealing little kisses in between. Maximum capacity.

“Tomorrow,” Jeongguk swears as soon as he finds a way to speak, “I’ll take you out on a date.”

“A date?” Taehyung repeats, grinning so wide it hurts. 

“Yeah.”

Taehyung goes over the list a thousand times that next evening. He reads it to the point of having memorized it. It doesn't stop him from staring at the words in Jeongguk's messy handwriting again and again. 

It's especially the underlined no rules that traps Taehyung's eyes to the sheet. He breaks his head over the exact meaning, thinks he should have asked Jeongguk. Back then it had been obvious that it referred to there being no control over their actions, but Taehyung wonders just what this freedom entails. 

Just because they can do whatever they want now, doesn't mean that there are so many things Jeongguk wants to do. Or that they're the same things Taehyung wants to do. The prospect of dinner in public, for example, it's something they couldn't peacefully have before. But Taehyung doesn't know if Jeongguk sees it as another activity they weren't able to enjoy due to their status, or if it's actually about letting their relationship run freely, take a course of which the road had been blocked before. 

As he dries his hair, Taehyung can't help but worry. Sillly thoughts infiltrate his mind. He knows - has to know that Jeongguk thinks the same of him. That every touch and look between them means more than they've ever had the chance to say. But Taehyung is nervous, and nervousness does unkind things to the brain. 

The thoughts die down once he's in Jeongguk's presence again. In fact, his entire mind shuts down at the sight of him. He's not even wearing anything special - just one of those black turtlenecks he loves and a longer, more stylish grey coat than the one from before. 

But Taehyung has got to be looking at him like he's a painting, picture beautiful, because Jeongguk averts his eyes shyly after Taehyung stands frozen for too long. It's almost like in one of those romantic films Jeongguk consumes an unhealthy amount of. Taehyung feels oddly aware of each step he takes towards Jeongguk. There isn't any music or slow-motion in real life, but Taehyung hears a ringing in his ears as he comes up before Jeongguk. Maybe this is what Jeongguk meant when he said he wishes to hear bells once he sees the person he's destined to be with. 

When Jeongguk dares look up again, his eyes are round as ever, and he's blinking at Taehyung, a little stunned, lips parted. Taehyung likes to think he's living through the same thing as he did right before. It could seem curious to a bystander or even them themselves; that they stand at a lone lit road, dressed the same as ever, feeling about each other the same as always, but they're looking at each other as if they've never been confronted with the raw emotion of seeing the other before. 

It's an incredibly sweet, youthful moment. Something Taehyung didn't think he would ever be able to experience. He thought so the second he woke up and looked at Jeongguk with different eyes for the first time.That he would lose those certain important times in life. 

It makes the moment between them all the more special. Taehyung savors it, this warm glide of their hands when Jeongguk takes Taehyung's into his. And in the second, if they wake up tomorrow with all of this gone; a fever dream, Taehyung thinks he would be content with just this. Having held Jeongguk's hand whenever and wherever he wanted to. Having felt Jeongguk's love like a second skin, like the yellow light of the lamp illuminating Taehyung's skin. 

It's a simple gesture, but right then it feels like the loudest shout, the slow way Jeongguk's fingers fold around Taehyung's own. The smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Taehyung smiles back, tender. Intimate. 

Jeongguk ends up pulling them along. Along the empty road until they reach the heart of the city. 

"Where are we going?" Taehyung asks, finding his voice again from where it had been drifting away from him. 

“I’m not sure,” Jeongguk admits, “I found this place online.”

The place ends up being one of the busier restaurants in Seoul, on the expensive side. It’s at the top floor of a skyscraper, large windows showing off the night life beneath. 

Jeongguk's face is bright under the lights when they take a seat at a table by a window. Next to the skyline. So soft, all of his edges, the beautiful contours of his face. Softened by love. 

Maybe Taehyung looks the same. His face rests heavily in his palm as he watches Jeongguk. They're sitting there, food abandoned on the table, taking their time, precious time, admiring each other openly without fear. Without the threat of a camera, an angered person lecturing them not to lose themselves in front of others. The irrational fear of not being accepted by those who care about them. 

Eventually, life goes on, and Taehyung tries to focus on the taste of the food. It's good, and Taehyung immediately praises Jeongguk for choosing such a good place to eat at. 

"Admit you only came with me for the food," is his response. 

Jeongguk's fingers dig into the collar of his turtleneck, stretching his neck as he pulls at the fabric, a cheeky beloved smile lighting up his face.

The beat of the music is slower now, and it's so inherently romantic. Open. Taehyung drinks in every second of it.

“I have an idea,” Jeongguk reveals after they’ve paid.

He leads Taehyung back into the corridor, heading straight for the staircase. Taehyung knows what he’s planning to do when they pass another flight of stairs. 

"And this is allowed?" Taehyung asks, although he'd follow Jeongguk anywhere. 

"I think," Jeongguk shrugs. 

He opens the door to the roof with confidence. Cool night air strikes their faces but it's only a gust. It soon makes way for Taehyung's sense of sight to overpower. 

It's a stunning sight at that, the skyline of Seoul vibrant in colors of all the lights in the dark night. There's wind, but it isn't as cold. It lets Taehyung's hair tangle into his eyes and he brushes it away, not wanting to miss a second of the scenery. He wishes he had his camera. 

It’s only the two of them thankfully. They trip over to the edge of the roof, taking in the sight. Feeling like gods at the top of the world. Taehyung thinks he could touch the sky if he were to merely stretch his hands into the air. 

"We're so free," Jeongguk says, quiet at first, "we're so free!"

Then it bursts from him, spilling out of his chest and through the cracks of the wall he had so carefully built around his heart. 

"I love Kim Taehyung!" he shouts, cupping his hands around his mouth as he leans closer to the roof's edge. 

Taehyung watches, awe-struck, and then the same adrenaline and happy hormones release in an instant. He laughs, a little crazed but dripping with joy as he watches Jeongguk declare his love for the whole of Seoul to see. Taehyung wants to reciprocate, to let even the stars above them know.

"Jeon Jeongguk!" he shouts back, "do you love me?"

Jeongguk is grinning out of his mind as he throws his fisted hands up to the sky. 

"I do! I love you! I love you, I love you!"

He hurtles towards Taehyung, crossing the little space between them in a heartbeat, throwing himself into Taehyung's arms. Taehyung catches him and holds him tight. Jeongguk’s jacket is cold against his fingers as he digs them into it, but he can feel the warmth of Jeongguk's body beneath. Hair tickles his cheek and it's real, so real, that Taehyung can feel tears, icy from the wind, form at the corners of his eyes. 

In this universe, they're only two dark shapes on a rooftop in Seoul. But it feels so good to be only this; a young pair of lovers without a care in the world. 

Jeongguk pulls back just enough to connect their lips, unmindful of the wetness of Taehyung's cheeks against his face. He puts his hands up to thumb at the rivulet, wiping it away. 

"Don't cry," he says, but his voice sounds like he's going to do so himself. 

"But I love you," Taehyung answers weakly.

"That's not a reason to cry."

All the stars align for them. Just like they did the first time to allow them to meet. For their hearts to recognize each other. 

Jeongguk laughs into Taehyung's shoulder where his face is buried. It's a bright sound and Taehyung doesn't ever want to stop hearing. He doesn't want to stop holding Jeongguk either, but he knows they can't stand on this rooftop forever.

"God, you're just so," Jeongguk smooths his hand through Taehyung's unruly hair, "I'm so in love with you."

Taehyung nudges their noses together. 

“Again.”

“I love you.”

Taehyung kisses him. 

“Again.”

Jeongguk tells him all the way down until their shoes stand on the street’s asphalt again. Their hands come together easily, swaying between them as they make their way downtown.

Every glance, every moment spent struggling, it all feels rewarded now. This is deserved, this is right, this is what they were meant to have.

“What are you thinking?” Jeongguk wants to know.

"There's nowhere I'd rather be."

Jeongguk holds his hand tighter and they're off, running, running. 

"A dance?"

Maybe Taehyung is trying to buy time. Stalling, not wanting Jeongguk to disappear into the depths of his apartment.

Jeongguk's eyes don't leave his for a second. Somehow they manage to move without stepping on each other's feet, coordinated. Like they were meant to exist in the same space, symbiotic and all, the only true answer lying in Jeongguk's hands on his waist. 

It's slow, but the beat of his heart isn't. It urges Taehyung to move faster, pull Jeongguk closer to him with each twist, lets his hands lose control and touch Jeongguk the way he wishes to. 

Guarded by the towering height of the building, their lips find each other once more. Taehyung breathes Jeongguk in, their fingers clasping together so tightly that their knuckles must be turning white with the force of it. Jeongguk opens up, blooms under him, allowing Taehyung to kiss him deep. He works on willpower, sheer strength, to keep himself from consuming him entirely. 

He wants to stay there, mold their souls together, but time doesn’t wait up.

“You could just come up with me,” Jeongguk suggests as he senses Taehyung’s reluctance to leave. 

As if it’s the most natural, obvious thing in the world that Taehyung follows Jeongguk into his home at the end of the day. 

"What do you love most about me?"

Jeongguk rolls his eyes fondly. At the same time, he rolls on to his side to gaze at Taehyung expectantly.

“You’re the better half of my soul,” he answers. 

Taehyung approves. He likes how soft Jeongguk looks in the thin t-shirt he’d quickly changed into. Softer than the pristine sheets of his bed that they’d moved to the side to lie down.

"I'll give you all of you," Jeongguk sings. 

Taehyung smiles, immediately catching on. 

"And I'll give you all of you."

Their own personal love language. Giving each other the best of themselves. Lighting up each other's worlds. 

Jeongguk nudges their noses together, hair tickling Taehyung's face. 

"I love you."

He can't seem to stop saying it recently. Taehyung understands. He can't either, not when it feels too good not to, not when they've waited eons to say it. 

“I love you too.”

“It’s ridiculous that I’ve ever thought there was something wrong about this,” Jeongguk confesses, “as if I’d have to choose between my two loves; performance and you. I - we shouldn’t have to sacrifice one for the other.”

He looks proud of his conclusion, warmth filling Taehyung’s chest. 

“No, my smart baby. Of course we shouldn’t.”

Jeongguk gives a satisfied sound. It’s interrupted by a yawn. Sleepy after such an exciting day. 

They fall asleep, content. Moreso, happy.  

When morning comes, Taehyung awakes first. 

He takes his time admiring the bundle of blanket and messy hair that is Jeongguk. Today he also takes the liberty to gently stroke his hand over Jeongguk’s free arm, the inked skin smooth and warm. 

Out of habit, he checks his phone next. What he doesn’t expect is to find three messages from an all too familiar contact. 

chim 

are you coming to the dorms for breakfast 

youre with jeongguk right

if you wont come, just bring him along to set later<3

Taehyung sits up straight for the second time that week. 

Jeongguk stirs beside him, the nervous energy palpable.

“Taehyung?”

When Taehyung doesn’t respond, he sits up too. He frowns, eyes still sleepy, yet noticing Taehyung’s distress. They fall onto the display of Taehyung’s phone. 

“Oh,” he says, a small sound at first.

Then,

"Oh no, no."

He's crying now, tears running freely. Taehyung turns with the noise, alarm bells going off in his head, phone forgotten. 

"No," Taehyung doesn't know what he's saying, only that he's denying it, "no, Jeongguk."

He spins around, hands bracing on Jeongguk’s knees in an attempt to ground him.

But Jeongguk seems so far away, as if he can't even see Taehyung anymore from the curtain of tears blinding him. His face twists with the hurt of it and Taehyung's heart is contorting, twisting in his chest. 

He doesn't even move to wipe the tears, just stands there, small, letting them run freely. 

“But why?”

Jeongguk's lip quivers. 

“Because you realized what we deserve,” Taehyung says, understanding dawning on him, “you made a wish. You wanted things to be different, so we were allowed to see how they could be. But the point was - it’s to make you see they can be different.”

“I don’t understand."

“We’re supposed to have this,” Taehyung rushes to explain, “it meant to show us what could be. And you realized, last night. You said we’re allowed both. If only you took aside your fear.”

Taehyung watches Jeongguk’s face lose tension, something small yet meaningful, hopeful growing there. 

“You mean,” he whispers feverishly, “we should tell them? Here?”

“Yeah,” Taehyung says softly, using the hems of his sleeves to wipe Jeongguk’s drying tears, “wouldn’t you want that? Wouldn’t it be worth it?”

"You make it so hard to be rational," he coughs out, half laughing, half sniffing his tears away. 

Jeongguk's arms lift slightly, as if he's waiting for Taehyung to come. Leap into them. Home. Where he belongs. His. 

“This is rational. It’s the most rational thing in the world.”

Above all, it’s destined, Taehyung likes to believe. As he makes himself home in Jeongguk’s arms once again, he silently thanks to whichever force gave them this gift. 

"Whenever you're ready," Taehyung adds, "I'd wait for you."

Jeongguk’s palm is warm on Taehyung’s nape with the exception of the ring he wears. The other half to Taehyung’s set, a promise in silver. 

"I'm ready now.”