Work Text:
Andy laid in her bed, staring up at a patch of peeling paint on the ceiling. She wasn't really seeing it anymore, she was lost in thought and had been for a while now, so long it was starting to grow dark.
She was a little surprised Nicky or one of the others hadn't come by her room to tell her dinner was ready, she figured they all must think she was sleeping.
She wished she was.
If she was asleep she wouldn't be lying here thinking about how much everything hurt.
Earlier today, despite everyone's subtle worried looks and gentle warnings, she had gone all out while sparring with the three of them and she was paying for it now. She was so used to fighting without mortal constraints and consequence it was frustrating her that she needed to think her fights through more carefully.
She knew she was mortal, she understood exactly what that meant, but she hated this feeling of fragility that had washed over her since losing her immortality and she had desperately needed to push back against it, even for just one afternoon.
She had pushed back against all of it, all the feelings constantly swirling within her, all the limitations her new body had to abide by, the doubts and fears, the pain she was still in from London, the pain in her heart over Booker, the pain of the fact that she would be leaving her family behind sooner than they would have ever imagined. She'd pushed back and she'd pushed too hard.
They'd gone easy on her, they really had, it only made her resent this new fragility even more and fight harder. Of course she didn't resent them, never that, she couldn't be upset with them for trying to protect her and spare her more pain. She loved them fiercely for it. They always watched out for her as best they could, they always watched out for each other.
Her neck was stiff, she was bruised all over, everything ached, the wound in her side that had only just fully closed hurt too. She felt like the pain was swallowing her whole and she wasn't sure if it would ever let her go.
It had been so long, so so long, since pain lingered on her skin and in her muscles, she had forgotten what it was like. She had been reacquainted with pain after everything that had happened at Merrick's but there hadn't been time to sit with it. They'd had to make decisions about everything, Booker, Copley, where to go next, they'd talked through so many things these last few weeks.
But that was all said and done, there was nothing more to do for the time being and it left far too much time to think.
Too much thinking brought pain.
She didn't know how to voice this to her family. Her fears, her aches, her need to keep pushing herself.
She couldn't talk to Joe and Nicky yet, she saw the worried looks they gave each other when they thought she wasn't watching. She didn't want to make it worse by confessing how mortal she really felt.
She couldn't talk to Nile about it, she was so new and grieving her lost life and family. She didn't need to be worrying about Andy of all people.
She knew they weren't blind, that they saw it all, but talking about it felt like it would somehow be to much. Everything was too new, they all needed time before they started focusing on any of this. Maybe it was just her that needed time.
She wished she still had Booker with them, with her. He was familiar with pain, hers just as much as his own. They'd shared so many bleak nights when it seemed like they would never see a shred of good in the world again. They did of course, morning always came and someone somewhere would prover her wrong. Prove to her there was still good in the world even if it was only a little.
She rolled onto her side, curling in on herself like she was trying to protect her heart all over again from Booker's betrayal.
He hadn't seen it. She understood that now. Now, when it was to late to help him see that there was still something worth fighting and living for. That it had been worth it all along.
She'd thought he'd understood. All those nights they'd shared together wallowing in their grief and despair, that at the end of it all they'd still had each other, they still had things to hold on to. She wondered if he'd ever shared that sentiment or if he had lost it somewhere along the way.
It hurt her shoulders to lay like this but she didn't move to try and relive them.
Nile had given her pain medicine from the drugstore, and Nicky had reassured her if it wasn't enough he could get something stronger. She'd taken some earlier but it had only dulled the pain, and all of it had wore off by now.
She supposed she should be thankful that her immortality had decided to leave her when medicine was so advanced.
She let out a long breath, she had no idea how long she'd been laying here, it somehow felt like decades and mere moments at the same time.
She sat up wincing as her body protested at the movement. She needed food and some more pain killers.
She needed to stop thinking about things she couldn't actually change. In the morning she decided she would go out and look for that shred of good she knew still existed in the world, despite all the pain and heartache. And if she couldn't find it, she would be the one who proves it exists to someone else.