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Thinking back on it, Phil thinks he should have noticed Technoblade wasn’t alright after the execution. Every time he moved to quickly he saw the slight freeze of the piglin’s shoulders, he noticed the way his hands shook while moving the totems of undying from one chest to another. Phil saw the white knuckled grip Techno had on Carl’s leash every time the horse was moved from his hiding place.
All those things being considered, he should have expected things to go sideways at one point, and yet he didn’t, so when they did, neither of them was ready.
It was a cold day, colder than usual, and Phil felt it deep in his bones, in the burnt feathers of his wings that caused him more pain than usual.
It clearly wasn’t a good day for gathering wood, but Ranboo had asked him and Techno if they could maybe help him, and Phil didn’t know what was going on with the kid, but he wasn’t going to refuse him because he knew how much it had taken him to gather the courage to ask.
So there they were, in the middle of the snowy forest, with cold wind seeping into their clothes, into their souls, Phil couldn’t feel his fingers anymore and he saw Ranboo shuddering and wrapping a cloak tighter around himself. The pine trees around them ached from the heavy snow and here and there branches were falling under the weight of the snow.
Him and Ranboo were walking quicker, which was very rare, usually, Techno was the one they had to hurry to keep up with, but that day, he was behind them, not by a lot, but it was enough for Phil to worry.
He knew that out of the three of them, Techno's piglin side took the cold the hardest. Being born and raised for a few years in the Nether, Techno’s cold resistance was worryingly low for someone who had chosen to live in the tundra.
Those were the things that Phil was thinking about, while listening to something Ranboo said, about Michael and the mansion. Usually, the blonde man would’ve been excited to hear about the little piglin, but his mind was clouded with the cold and the pain from his wings and the worry for Techno.
So, after he heard Ranboo fall into silence and head to a tree on his left, Phil slowed his pace in order to fall into rythm with Technoblade.
Now that he’s closer to his companions he can see the way he seems to only look in front of him, the way he presses his mouth into a hard line that contrasts the abnormal paleness of his skin.
He shoots Phil a look, but remains stoic as they walk among the frozen trees.
Technoblade doesn’t talk at all, he hasn’t talked ever since they had left the house, not that he talks much around Ranboo anyway, his trust for the tall boy is still fragile. Phil knows though. He has known Techno for long enough that he could feel his distress even if he wouldn’t be able to see all the signs that Techno is trying to hide. Only his companion’s silence is enough for him to know there is something bothering him.
Usually, maybe he would blame it on the voices that the Blood God had inflicted in Techno’s mind, but then the piglin wouldn’t have agreed to come with them into the woods. If the voices were a problem that affected him so much, he would have shut them out, made sure they were far from him so that Phil and Ranboo wouldn’t get hurt.
But there he was.
So that was why Phil ruled out the possibility of the voices. He knew how Techno reacted to them.
In conclusion, it was something else and the thought that he didn’t know and that his companion wasn’t willing to tell him sent a flash of hurt through him.
Finally, the silence became too much.
“Are you alright, mate?”
He absolutely hated the way Techno flinched, but that strengthened his theory that something was really going on. Though, for his friend’s sake, he pretended he didn’t notice.
It took Techno more than usual to answer, looking as if he was considering his words very carefully and Phil didn’t understand. Whatever it was he wasn’t going to- he didn’t even know what reason Techno would have to worry about what he said, why even would he-
“I was thinking about, you know, the- the Butcher Army thing.” Came Techno’s response through gritted teeth.
And then Phil finally realized. It wasn’t that Technoblade was worried of Phil’s reaction at what was bothering him. His friend was finding it hard to admit there even was something causing him distress.
Probably hearing no response from Phil, Techno quickly added:
“It’s nothing really, just wondering how they dragged that anvil that high” he said as he laughed hollowly.
As Phil opened his mouth to respond and tell his friend that it’s alright and maybe try to coax the words out of him in an attempt to help, Ranboo called for Techno, saying about another spawner and how he could get it with his silk touch enderman powers.
Phil swallowed his words and ran after Techno who had already started heading to where the tall boy was.
“You have to admit, his powers are useful, as much as you don’t trust him.” Said Phil when he finally caught up with Techno, but not after they go to where Ranboo was.
At that, his friend turned to him and looked at him, frowning. Phil saw his throat bob as he swallowed hard.
“I never said I didn’t trust Ranboo.” Says Technoblade, but he doesn’t seem so sure about that himself.
“I assumed you didn’t, I mean it would be understandable you know? Like I would get it if it were the case and I know Ranboo would too.”
His companion’s eyes left his as he stared at the snow they were walking on; it has snowed the previous day and Phil couldn’t help but smile at the familiar crunch underneath his boots.
As they reached Ranboo, the boy had already gotten the spawner and was walking towards them too.
“It’s a skeleton one, I thought you could use it.” Came his voice as he handed it to Techno.
Phil was… well, he was conflicted. If Techno had been thinking about the Butcher Army then what were his feelings towards Ranboo?
The boy had appeared randomly on the server, Phil knew that much, he knew he had been on L’Manberg’s side during Doom’s day. He also knew he had been in the Butcher Army and that he had been there when they came to search his house, but he didn’t blame him, both him and Techno knew what it was like to side with the wrong people.
“Maybe we should head back, it’s starting to get darker.” Said Techno as he took the wood from Ranboo’s hands.
So they headed back, of course they had great armor, Phil and Techno had more than enough experience with enchanting armor and making covering the diamond with netherite; and Ranboo seemed also very skilled, though how, Phil couldn’t understand.
“Do you think we could turn the spawner in whatever we want if we find an egg? I read about that a while back, but I never actually tested it out”, came Ranboo’s voice and it took Phil a second to realize he was the one the boy was talking to, Techno having gone faster, as he could see him a few feet in front of them.
“It works on some servers, yes, I don’t know if it’s the case for this one though. We can try tomorrow if you want, I think I have a creeper egg in my ender chest; and it would help with gathering gunpowder. Do you have the last one you found? I think Techno would want to use the skeleton one for-“
His sentence was cut short by a loud crack in front of them, one the branches of the big trees in front of them had broken due to the ice and snow that had been on top of it.
Phil felt a sudden thrill of cold going through him, it wasn’t a big branch, it would cause a few scratches and maybe some bruises, but it wasn’t above him and Ranboo, it was above Techno.
The piglin was frozen underneath the branch that seemed one blow of wind away from falling, face pale and chest rising and falling almost frantically.
All at once, it hit Phil how much Technoblade’s fearful stance resembled the way he had stood in that cage, under the anvil, how it had been exactly three months since the execution, three months in which him and Techno pretended it hadn’t happened, ignored the silence that followed Ranboo’s visits, his companion’s sudden lack of interest for mansions, the ghost pain Phil knew – god damn it, he knew - came after using a totem of undying.
Though, by the time he realized exactly why Technoblade wasn’t moving from under the branch, he heard Ranboo shout and then he saw his friend duck out of the way seconds later than he should’ve. The branch fell, no one was hurt, but was Techno is kneeling in the snow, with his back turned to them and Phil absolutely hated the way he shook.
“Is he alright?” asked Ranboo, shooting the piglin a worried look.
The moment Techno heard the boy’s voice, he curled into himself and grabbed his head in his hands, gasping wildly as if air was being punched out of him.
“I think maybe you should stay here, Ranboo”, came Philza’s response a lot shakier than he intended. “I mean, I don’t think he’s hurt, I just-“
“It’s fine, really, I’ll go home, I’m not much help.” And with that he took off, but Phil saw it in the boy’s eyes that he understood.
He turned towards where Technoblade was, and sprinted there.
As he kneeled next to his companion, he couldn’t help but flinch at the blood that was dripping from the piglin’s nail-dug scalp. Harsh breaths were finding their way out of Technoblade’s chest, each one louder than the previous one. He was shaking like Phil had only seen him during his worst nights, when screaming was in his mind and his eyes were tearful, begging Phil to leave so that he wouldn’t get hurt if Techno lost control.
If the whole ordeal had been caused by what Phil thought, he decided that touching Technoblade wasn’t a great idea.
“Techno?” he spoke, his voice as soft as he could manage, maybe more choked up than intended. Phil was feeling the other’s anguish deep in his soul, seeing him like that caused a dark-blue sadness and at the same time a flaming anger.
“I-“ Technoblade’s voice cut off with a sob that came so sudden that it surely hurt him.
Phil’s palms were stinging to touch his friend, to comfort him, as much as he could, to carefully untangle those fingers from the pink hair, to wipe his tears to assure him that it was alright, but he didn’t know- damn it- he didn’t know what would make it worse, so he just stood there, trying to get the words out of Technoblade.
“I’m here, I don’t know how much that helps, but I’m here, Tech.” his voice cracked on the nickname.
Phil was starting to notice the paleness of the piglin’s skin, that could only be due to the freezing air of the tundra, and Technoblade’s thin shirt, his cape fallen somewhere in the snow, probably underneath the branch.
A cold feeling was settling in Phil’s soul as he head the choked attempts at speaking and the sobs that shook Techno’s entire frame. He tried to catch what the other was saying, but the wind and the blood roaring in his own ears weren’t helping him.
Finally, he understood:
“A-anvil” came his companion’s shaky whisper. “H-hurts, I- Phil”
The blonde man felt his soul shatter at the desperate whimper coming from his friend. He didn’t know how to do this, he couldn’t comfort Technoblade with only his words, he was feeling useless standing there in the snow, while the other’s sobs were filling the air.
“Techno, listen to me, you’re not in L’Manberg, no one is going to hurt you, you’re safe, you’re alive.”
“A-anvil falling, it hurts- it always hurts, Phil” Technoblade confessed between sobs.
And there it was, months of silently hurting, of flinching and crying when he thought Phil didn’t hear him, of stiff muscles and sore bones, of not wanting to admit that the execution affected him.
“Can I touch you?” Phil finally asked.
All he heard was a gasped “yes”, as he grabbed Technoblade’s wrists and leaned over him, so that his cheek was brushing the pink hair on the other’s temples.
“Shh, it’s alright, I got you” Phil repeated comforting words over and over, as he carefully opened Technoblade’s fingers from the bloody strands.
Being this close to the piglin, Phil could feel the frozen skin underneath the other one’s shirt. Slowly, he lifted himself up, letting go of his companion’s hands.
“Don’t- please- I can’t-“ came Technoblade’s quick response, finally lifting his tear stricken face from the ground.
It was then that Phil actually saw the panic and fear and pain that was in those red eyes.
“I’m just bringing you your cloak, it’s freezing, you’re going to get sick.”
Phil said, getting up from where he was stood and looking around for the cloak. After a quick scan of his surroundings, the blonde man finally saw it. He quickly got it and put it on Technoblade’s shaking shoulders. At the sudden warmth, the piglin whined and turned around faster than Phil could have anticipated.
And oh- Phil felt trembling arms wrap around his waist and gasping breaths against his chest.
Techno was gripping his green cloak with all his strength, shaking and sobbing. Phil hasn’t seen him like that since before the Antarctic Empire. Choked breaths were leaving his chest as he buried his face further into Phil’s chest. The older couldn’t help but gather him in his arms too, running an equally shaky hand thought Technoblade’s snow-filled hair.
“Shhh, it’s alright Tech, you’re safe, shh” was all Phil could muster through the thick lump that had formed in his throat. He could feel tears stinging his eyes, but he focused on the sobbing form in his arms.
“Talk to me, mate. I’m here, you’re not in L’Manberg.” Phil knew he was babbling, he had said the same thing literally thirty seconds before , but he didn’t know what else to do. SO he just stood there, with Technoblade shaking in his arms from both the cold and the emotions he had been bottling up.
At one point Phil also realized that the piglin was genuinely in pain, another reason for his trembling.
As they sat in the snow, two immortals who had encountered death far too many times, Phil understood the painful definition of their eternal existence: a burden. A burden which they could only try to carry together through trust. Maybe they had forgotten that, but Phil was going to make sure it wouldn’t happen again.
As they got up to leave, the blonde man saw the suffering hidden carefully behind Technoblade’s red eyes, Phil swore that he would never allow him to ever feel alone in his pain.