Chapter Text
Jeongin wouldn’t say he is depressed.
But he wouldn’t say he’s normal. Or what he’s feeling is normal. Because he knows it’s not. Sure, after staying up all night or going to bed anywhere past 12 you would surely be exhausted in the early morning. But when you got a full 9-10 hours, shouldn’t you feel well rested? It’s not as if Jeongin can’t physically get up, he just doesn’t want to. His muscles would move if he wanted them too, but he didn’t want them too. He didn’t wanna get up. Jeongin was far aware that the average person would wanna stay in bed and sleep in, sometimes regardless of how early or late they went to bed. You also have people like Chan, who go to sleep at late hours and early mornings, yet somehow still have enough energy to make it through the day and maintain a schedule.
Sure, he doesn’t have energy in the morning, but who really did? All it took was a splash of water or a cold shower to wake up his senses for the day. That was the best part. Jeongin hated having to go in the shower, because he never wanted to get out. But he never regretted it once he was in. The feeling of water down his back and on his neck was too good. Whether it’s after not sleeping at all or sleeping perfectly fine. The temporary relief a cold or warm shower would give would disappear the second he stepped out. Comebacks, schedules, promotions. He would go through his schedule in his head over and over as he put on moisturizer. Remembering everything he had to do for the day, before stepping out.
So, he didn’t have depression. Sure he was tired, and the occasional bad thoughts come in sometimes..but sometimes everyone has intrusive thoughts. Some just more extreme than others.
Some just more extreme than others.
-
Jeongin loved to help people. It made him happy seeing his friends happy. He liked listening and avoiding talking about himself. That’s why when at one of their weekly group meetings-, when he was asked how he was, he found himself getting choked up.
“Huh?”
“How are you, Jeonginnie? You never really talk about yourself.” Chan repeated, earning a couple nods from other members. “Uh...” He scratched the back of his neck, uneasy from the stares of his hyungs. It’s such an easy question. Just say your doing fine. Why are you having so much trouble? Spit it out you idiot. Jeongin digged a nail into the palm on his neck, forcibly shutting the thoughts down as he looked as his pants. Why am I so nervous? “Yeah, I’m good.” He smiles hesitantly, looking back up.
His eyes widened when he met the concerned gaze of Minho, who was looking at him with an emotion hard to describe. Concerned and curious maybe? But why concerned? He looked around again at the worried stares of other members as he realized he took a little long to respond. “Ah-sorry I kind of took a while. You know, we had a busy day today, must be kinda out of it.” He quickly added, trying to explain himself. He cursed when the gazes only looked more concerned than before. He saw Chan opening his mouth to stay something, then stopping. He felt a warm hand grab his and looked over to his side, Felix looking at him with something that made his heart rate speed up.
Felix seemed to notice the increased panic. “Hey, it’s okay.” He smiled gently, and Felix cupped his cheek with one hand. “You don’t have to explain yourself, we get it.” Jeongin nodded, avoiding his eyes because he didn’t want to see that look of concern on his face. Why did they all look concerned? There was nothing to be worried about here. “I know.” He responded and Felix wrapped an arm around his shoulder as Minho cleared his throat. They both looked back and Jeongin saw Minho narrowing his eyes at him. He slightly tensed and Felix tightened his hold. “Well, like Jeongin said. We had a busy schedule today. How about we head to bed now?” Minho finished, and Chan nodded, “Yeah, let’s do that.” Hyunjin bounced up from the couch and ran while shouting, “I call Changbin Hyung’s bed!” And Changbin stood up quickly. “You-“ He ran after Hyunjin and the other boys started to clear the room.
“Room with me tonight?” Felix asked, turning towards him. Jeongin nodded and Felix stood up, pulling Jeongin’s hand with him as they walked to the room. Felix usually roomed with Hyunjin but maybe with how Felix had comforted him, he decided to leave it and sleep with Changbin. He smiled, but his brain disagreed with him. No way, you actually think he cares about you? If he did, he would have just slept with you too. Jeongin stopped. What the fuck? He had never thought anything like this before. “Jeongin?” He blinked. “You coming in?” He asked, gesturing to the door. Jeongin realized they had already made it to Felix’s room. “Y-yeah.” He quickly walked in. Felix let him get under the covers first, before scooting over and pulling Jeongin into his chest. Jeongin was surprised at first, but wrapped his arms around the older boy’s waist.
“Jeongin.”
”Yeah?”
“You know you can always talk to me right?”
”Yeah, Hyung. I know.”
“And, you know we love you right?”
Jeongin nodded and pulled Felix closer to him. Felix pressed a kiss to Jeongin’s forehead and combed his fingers through the younger’s hair.
If Felix felt warm tears wetting his shirt, he didn’t mention it.
A small part of Jeongin wished he did.
-
He woke up at the sound of his alarm. He groaned and turned it off. He pressed snooze and layed his head back down of the pillow, desperate for relief. What was probably 6 minutes felt like 1 as before he knew it the alarm went off again. And as much as he wanted to close off from the rest of the world and sleep forever, he knew he couldn’t. Although nothing too important was today, they still had things to get done. Comeback was next year, and there was still a lot to prepare. So, he slammed a palm on his phone and grunted as he swung his feet over the bed.