Chapter Text
Today was the day.
The day Yang Jeongin decided to end his life. Or at least, he wanted to. He had everything planned out.
He would finally be free.
Jeongin rubbed his eyes as he stretched his arms out. He opened an eye and looked at the alarm clock. 3am. It was cold. He couldn’t get warm even though his blanket was heated. His fingers were tingling and he needed someone to touch. He needed to feel. This was his last day on earth after all, so why not? He kicked off his heavy covering, climbing down the ladder. He looked at the sleeping face of Jisung and smiled. He looked so peaceful.
Jeongin slowly lifted the covers and put a foot in. As he slowly slid in he heard a quiet, “Hmm?” And Jisung turned around, rubbing his right eye before glancing down at Jeongin. “What’s up?” He whispered. “Can I sleep here tonight?” Jeongin shyly whispered, snuggling into Jisung’s chest. “Hm? Oh-yeah..sure.” He seemed a little bit startled. Maybe because it was Jeongin who had climbed into his bed. But nonetheless, he wrapped an arm around the younger boy and pulled him in closer to his chest, chuckling when Jeongin wrapped a shy arm around his waist, crossing his leg over the older's.
”Goodnight, Hyung.” Jeongin whispered as he nuzzled into Jisung’s chest. A hand patted through Jeongin’s hair and a soft voice whispered back, “Goodnight Jeonginnie.”
Despite the late time, it was one of the best sleeps Jeongin’s ever had. (Not that he would ever admit it.)
It was his last one after all.
-
Jeongin almost woke up to the sound of hushed voices and another soft hand petting through his hair. He could feel the silver rings on the thin fingers and identified the hand as Hyunjin’s. He wasn’t fully awake yet though, as he subconsciously nuzzled into the slightly rougher hand that had cupped his cheek.
“Oh my god.” A deep voice squealed.
”Cutie.”
”Should we wake him up now?”
No. Don't wake him up. He was so, so comfortable. The soft surface under his neck and the gentle hands touching him were amazing.
“I think he’s getting up now.”
“Wake up baby.” That voice was Hyunjin. He slowly opened his eyes and saw 3 others staring right back at him, Felix, Hyunjin, and Changbin who had his camera out, no doubt taking pictures. “You up sunshine?” Felix asked softly. Jeongin stretched a hand and rubbed his eye before looking up and meeting the eyes of Jisung looking down on him, and he realized the so-called ‘Soft Surface’ he was on was actually the older’s thigh. He whined.
“Mmm. Don’t wanna get up yet.” Choruses of “cute”, and “adorable” echoed throughout the room as his mind started to run again. It was true. He didn’t wanna get up. He didn’t wanna leave them today. He already had everything he needed and no excuses to procrastinate. He was going to end his life today.
“I know but you should get up now. Come on, Chan-Hyung made breakfast before he left with the others.” Jisung stated, knocking him out of his thoughts. He whined again and sat up from his ‘Soft Pillow.’
Hyunjin let out a soft chuckle and looked at him with a certain fondness in his eyes as he reached a hand out to brush Jeongin’s messy hair out of his eyes. Jeongin let his eyes close and enjoyed the pampering. He promised himself he would spend as much time with them today as possible.
-
Once breakfast was over and Jeongin had finished eating, to which he had dragged out his meal as long as possible, (it was his last one afterall…) he was the last one left at the table. He stood up, putting his dish in the sink, noticing the other 3 dishes stacked up side by side in the small metal sink. Chan, Minho, and Seungmin were at the dance studio, so it was only them here today. That’ll make it easier.
He looked over his shoulder at the boys having fun in the living room. Hyunjin and Changbin arguing playfully and bumping each other, Mario kart on the screen and Felix lying on the couch with Jisung, watching what sounded like tik tok. He smiled to himself and ran the water to the sink. He had already finished 3 out of the 4 plates when he heard someone call his name.
”Innie, it’s Seungie’s day, you don’t have to do that.” Hyunjin called, looking away from the game. This caused the others to look up too. “Ah, it’s ok, I feel productive right now so I’m gonna get it done. He can owe me later.” He finished, giving what he hoped looked like a cheeky grin. It must’ve worked, as Hyunjin laughed before turning back to his game, continuing his screaming match with Changbin. Felix gave him a small smile too before looking back to his phone, fingers coursing through Jisung’s light brown hair.
(The thought that Jeongin wouldn’t be there for Seungmin to owe him was left unsaid.)
-
7:07 pm.
Minho and Seungmin had returned to the house about 40 minutes ago, Chan was still at the studio, as usual. Jeongin was ready. The rest of the members were planning on going out to eat soon, meeting Chan there but Jeongin had already made his excuse.
“Sorry hyungs, I’m super tired tonight, I think I’m gonna go to bed early.”
Changbin frowned, “Well, that’s alright but are you sure you don’t want anything?” He continued, Minho nodding in agreement as the others tied their shoes. “Ah, sure.” (He wouldn’t be there to eat it.) “Okay.” Changbin nodded, pulling Jeongin in for a quick hug, expecting to be pushed off as usual. Instead, slightly shocked when the younger instead returned the embrace, pulling him closer. “I love you guys.” Jeongin said a little louder so the rest could hear.
The room went quiet, and Jeongin would’ve flushed if he didn’t know the reason why he was saying that.
“Did you guys hear that?!”
”Innie loves us!”
”I never thought the day would come.” Minho exclaimed dramatically, wiping a fake tear from his eye as he immediately threw himself at Jeongin, Changbin slightly moving out of the way for Minho. Afterwards, Hyunjin and Jisung both took turns hugging him. As well as Minho. Seungmin gave him a short side hug too. He bit his lip to force back tears as they pulled away.
It was warm. So so warm.
He would be cold soon.
-
“Have a nice dinner, Hyungs!” Jeongin smiled as brightly as he could manage. (I’m sorry I won’t be able to perform with you guys again.) Hyunjin turned back, giving a bright smile and a wave. Jeongin closed the door as walked out of his line of vision and immediately broke down.
He covered his mouth as if the members could hear him even if they couldn’t, digging his nails into his palms. He opened his shaking palm, 4 small crescent shaped purplish indents across the interior of his hand. He opened his other palm when he felt a warm liquid drip down his hand. It was bleeding. He wiped both hands on his pants despite only one having caused any mess and hiccuped.
He didn’t realize how long he had held back tears until everything just crashed down in the form of sobs and coughs. He brought his face down to his hands, ignoring the smeared dried blood.
He wishes he could be okay.
-
Jeongin had already showered before the other boys left, washed his hair and changed into comfy shorts and a white shirt sleeve that exposed his collarbone and neck. (Neck) He took a deep breath and reached under his bunk bed, throwing out the black jackets and pairs of pants and shorts he had piled on top of the white plastic bag. He groaned slightly when his thumb grazed the bristly rope, moving his hand to grab the clear plastic straps best he could without looking and pulling it out.
He sighed in relief as he looked inside, the brown thick rope that was pre-tied into a large double knot at the edge of the loop. He placed it around his neck for reference and let out a shaky, relieved breath when it fit around his neck with just a couple inches of space between it. It was adjustable. The others had only left 15 minutes ago, and they were probably on their way to the restaurant still. He had at least a couple hours until they were back, enough time to set everything up and prepare himself.
He started off by grabbing a chair from their dining table, not finding the energy to lift it, quickly dragging it across the dorm to his room, cringing at the screech of wood meeting tile. Although he had lots of time his body was high on adrenaline and nervous. Every rational part of him was screaming at him to go and get help, to stop, to throw away the rope and call someone, but he couldn’t. Not when he was so close.
He looked at the room once-over, at the high ceiling fan that he knew was stable enough to hold him, it was metal and it was expensive to get installed safely and securely. He hadn’t eaten much lately for this, so hopefully everything would work out.
He quickly moved the chair under the fan, near the center of the fairly small room he shared with Jisung. He looked at Jisung’s bed and thought about how they would react. Would they be distraught? Feel like it was their fault? Probably. To be honest, Jeongin knew he was being selfish. After everything they had been through together. From elimination to relief. From 9 to 8. After every hardship and every group meeting he still couldn’t bring himself to open up about the thoughts plaguing him every day. Or the old meds he stopped taking. Or the reasons why he had started to work harder. But all that didn’t matter anymore, and neither did he. There wouldn’t be anything left after this.
He wondered what Stay would think. Would they miss me? He would ask himself. Although a loud part of his brain was telling him yes, an even louder, stronger one was telling him no. After suppressing it for so long, after restraining the urge to hurt himself so many times. After this, he wouldn’t have to hear it anymore. The voice that sounded strangely like himself.
He would be free.
-
It was a cold Saturday night in Seoul. The sound of laughter and playful banter could be heard. It was funny cold. Hyunjin didn't know how to describe it. Something felt off about tonight.
"Hey, Changbinnie, doesn't something feel weird to you?" At the sound of his name being called, the older boy looked up before shaking his head. "Why? do you feel somethings up?" Hyunjin shook his head. "Maybe it's just cold." Changbin nodded and went back to his conversation. Hyunjin was straying behind them now. He felt like he was forgetting something. Was he being paranoid? "Hey, Jinnie, what time is it?" Felix called, jogging back towards him with a playful nudge on the shoulder. "I don't know, let me check." He breathed out, watching the air in front of him blow into a white stream of fog. It was cold tonight.
He rubbed his cold, red-knuckled hands together before reaching into his coat pocket. He slid his hand in, expecting to feel the rectangular piece of metal. Nothing, just fabric. His eyes blew wide and he stated to panic slightly, frantically checking his pockets. Felix now looked worried. "What happened?" Hyunjin took a deep breath, remembering he had just left it on his bed. "I forgot my phone at home." He sighed, running a pale hand through his black long hair. "What? Channie-hyung will kill you if he finds out!" Felix shouted, grabbing Hyunjin's shoulders, shaking him back and forth. This alerted the other members. "Ya!" Jisung shouted. "Now you can't say I'm the one who always forgets things!" He pointed an accusatory finger at Changbin. "You literally can't count that out of all the other times you've forgotten random shit, Hyung." Seungmin remarked, and Minho cackled.
"He got you there!"
"I will kill you."
"Try it, I dare you."
Hyunjin sighed, coming to a conclusion. "It's cool, its only like a 4 minute run back, I'll catch a cab." He nodded, already starting to jog in the direction they came. "Be safe!" Felix yelled, smiling wide as he turned to catch up to the other members.
Hyunjin wishes he had brought a scarf.
He inhaled deeply, opening the dorm room with a quiet beep. Jeongin seemed pretty tired earlier, he might be asleep, so he didn't want to risk waking him. Jeongin didn't bother to take off his shoes as he walked to him and Minho's shared room. "It should be here." He mumbled as he opened the door, seeing nothing but a unplugged charging cord and messy sheets. "That's odd."
Hyunjin searched the room briefly. "I'm sure it was here." He sighed, walking out of the shared room. He stepped into the kitchen, looking on the counter, clicking his tounge when he saw it right there. How did I miss it? He grabbed it and was already opening the door, when he saw a notification. He cleared a couple others from instagram which were blocking it, and click on it, unlocking his phone. A text, in the group chat. From Jeongin.
7:40 am
Innie ♡ : I love you hyungs. I'm sorry. Forgive me.
Read
7:52pm
What happened? Was he okay? Hyunjin was about to send a "?", when he realized he could just go in and check right there. So, he turned around and made way down the hall to him and Jisung's room. Nothing could have prepared him for what he would see inside.
-
"Holy fuck-shit, Jeongin!"
Jeongin flinched, almost tripping off the chair at the sound of his hyung's voice, along with the crack of a screen hitting the wooden floor. What? No, no no no. Why is he here? Why was he here? "H-hyung..." His eyes were blown open and he could tell Hyunjin was scared. His grip around the rope tightened.
"Fuck, please come down. Innie, come down." Jeongin bit his lip, shaking his head as he watched the fear on Hyunjin's face increase more than he would've thought was possible. "Okay, that's okay. Just please, take the rope off your neck." His voice was calm, but Jeongin could see the way the boy's eyes watered and how he bit his lip, trying to remain calm. "I ca-can't hyung.." Jeongin sniffed, as more tears fell down his cheeks. It itched.
Hyunjin's heart broke. "Please, baby, for me. Just remove it. Please, Innie. For me." Jeongin only shook his head more, "Please hyung.." He whimpered, his feet inching closer off the edge of the chair. "NO! Fuck, please Innie. Don't do this okay, please come down. We can talk about this okay? It's not worth it, please come down." Hyunjin opened his arms wide, welcoming, and Jeongin could see his hands shake. "It-It hurts, hyung.." Jeongin sniffed, eyes blurry with tears as the tip of his toes inched off the chair.
His neck would break. His neck would break if he stepped off.
"No no no no baby come on, please don't do this, it's okay, I'm here now. You're not alone, you'll be okay. Just please..please remove the rope." Now, Hyunjin was letting his tears fall, his voice broke with the last sentence. Jeongin lifted the rope off his head with shaking hands and was immediately pulled into a warm, firm, chest. When did he get so close?
Jeongin didn't try to hold back anymore and let his body rack with heartbreaking sobs. He was sure someone else in the building had to have heard by now. He couldn't even tell what was happening, everything was jumbled. His eyes burned and his jaw was sore. The only thing that seemed to make it's way into his cloudy mind was the soft voice, and the warm hand on his neck, arm wrapped around his waist as he was held onto so hard. As if he would break if he let go.
He would.
"Let it out. Baby.." Hushes and words of comfort. "You're gonna be okay. Hyung is here now. I'm so so sorry." Why was he apologizing? "Hyung is sorry for not noticing sooner." It's not your fault, why are you apologizing? I hid it from everyone. It's my fault. "It's not your fault baby, you were hurting. You were hurting. And we didn't notice." Jeongin could feel tears hitting his collarbone. I'm so sorry hyung. "It's okay. You're gonna be okay. Relax, everything is okay."
Can he?
He was so, so tired. Could he rest now?
He let his eyelids fall. The steady heartbeat of the man holding him, he was alive. He was alive. He was disappointed.
He was alive.
-
Hyunjin sat there for what felt like hours, holding the broken boy in his chest. How did they not know? How could they not notice? How could they not notice their baby was hurting? If Hyunjin didn't realize he had left his phone..Oh god If Felix didn't ask for the time. He would've been to late. They would've come home from dinner. They would have called his name, and when he didn't answer, they would check his room and find him. Their maknae, their baby bread. Their fox, their youngest. Lifeless, with no pulse, and a broken neck.
The thought was horrifying.
He didn't realize when the loud sobs of the boy in his chest turned to light sniffles, and when the sniffles stopped altogether. His heart dropped until he felt the soft breath against his neck and glanced down. He had fallen asleep. Hyunjin relaxed his posture and continued to cradle the boy close, moving up so he was leaning against the side of the bunk bed, Jeongin in his lap still, pressing a kiss to the younger's head.
He looked at the boy again. His lips were chapped and his eyes looked so swollen it had to sting. He grabbed a limp palm to feel his pulse from a different source. As if he still couldn't believe Jeongin was still here with him. He almost cried again when he saw the dry blood and bruised finger-sized indents that littered both hands.
He couldn't get it out of his head. The shaking hands gripping a tightened noose around his neck, barely standing on the wooden kitchen chair.
He would never get it out of his head.