Chapter Text
Korra finds the whole “worrying about others” thing as something she needs to keep on practicing, like training her body muscles.
For most of her life being kept (prisoned) inside the White Lotus compound, she was told not to worry about others and instead worry about herself. Her bendings, her training, her lessons. Whenever she expresses worry about the world outside, they’d always tell her the same thing - that she should keep training, keep learning, and then maybe she can start helping the world outside. That it’s taken care of. That she should worry about herself.
And then of course, she moved to Republic City.
The worrying about herself thing still applies, of course. It’s a big, wide world out here, with towering buildings and busy streets and all the people she doesn't know who knows her. But then there’s her friends, and the airbenders, her family - and suddenly she finds all of her feelings so overwhelming. She’d have to worry about keeping them safe, and doing all she can to protect them, and most of the time she doesn’t know how to deal with it because nobody ever bothered to teach her how.
It’s been five years since then, but the helplessness that she feels about her loved ones still seizes her like an anvil being dropped on her chest.
Especially now that -
THUD.
Korra jumps herself awake. It’s still so dark here in her - their? - room, and one swift look towards the window outside was enough to tell her that they’re still deep into the night right now. The moon was high on the sky too, shining behind the dark clouds, so why -
Labored breaths. Muffled writhes. The bed kept shifting, and Korra turned to her side so quickly that she almost pulled a muscle. Asami was still there instead of the bed being empty and cold like she thought it would be, fingers digging into the sheets, eyebrows furrowed so hard that Korra would’ve thought she was dreaming about one of her very complicated papers, if the situation was different.
But no. This was… this was another one of those, the nightmares, night terrors, whatever they’re called - it’s still the same, the procedure. Hug her, wake her up, calm her down, go back to bed. She used to have it often, back in the days after she was poisoned. And Asami was there to get through it all, green eyes staring back at her in the dark, soothing her.
Now, the same green eyes looked at her in fear when Korra held her, placing her own body between Asami and the wall so that she doesn’t hurt herself when she wakes up surprised. Just as she predicted, Asami jerks herself awake, breaths panting as if she had just ran for miles - and Korra secured her arms around her trembling body, trying to make her feel protected and safe. “ Shhhh, shhhh, you’re alright, you’re safe, I’m here.” Asami was shaking so hard that Korra was afraid that she’d crumble to dust in her embrace, but then she grabbed onto her shirt, desperate to find anything that’ll ground her, and Korra hugged her tighter.
“It’s okay, you’re okay, it’s okay.” She repeated those words and whispered it against the shell of her ears until Asami believed it, no matter how long it takes or how much of it is a lie (all of it).They just have to get through tonight, minute by minute, tick by tick. They’ll worry about everything else in the morning.
Asami’s heartbeat feels like an arrhythmical drum against her palm. It kept pounding and pounding as if it was trying to break itself free out of her chest and Korra tries to put that thought aside, tries to focus on Asami more than anything else. She lowers her nose and presses a small kiss on the skin of her bare shoulder instead, trying to soothe her down.
A choked sob.
“Did you hurt yourself?” She asks softly, trying to inspect Asami in the dark. The other girl shakes her head.
“Do you want to turn around?”
A nod.
They did, and they moved so quickly that Korra couldn’t manage to catch a glimpse of Asami’s eyes, too soon buried under the heap of raven black hair. "Do you want to go back to bed?"
Another nod.
"Okay."
Korra sighs into her hair, trying to calm herself down, too. There’s this feeling in her guts that she’d usually get minutes before a fight or a press conference or a test - something between anxiety and disconnection from the world as she succumbs into herself, the world fading away, and then there’s only her and Asami here.
Asami trying to make herself smaller, tinier, gone. Korra desperately reaching out for her, trying to help her, but there’s a soundproof barrier between them, and the other girl can’t hear her no matter how loud she screams for her.
The world comes back crashing, and Korra opens her eyes again. Asami was still in her arms, curled up against herself, breaths shallow and short.
She tries to catch a glimpse of Asami’s emerald green eyes, but she was too late once again.
Asami doesn’t understand why Korra even bothers.
Korra knows she’s busy. Korra knows that she’s not in the mood to have breakfast daily together like some kind of married couple who happily has their whole figured out. But then again, does Korra ever care about what she thinks? No, she doesn’t. Because she drags her to the dining room no matter how much Asami silently begs for her not to and makes her sit down in front of air children and Pema, who never takes a “no” for an answer whenever she offers her food.
Food.
God fucking dammit.
“Very nice to see you join us, Asami,” Pema greets from the kitchen, a spatula in her hand and little Rohan on the other, nibbling on his mother’s robes. She shares a look with Korra when the girl passes by her, and Asami groans internally. Of course they worked together to get her here. You little shit.
“Breakfast for you, my lady,” Korra jokes, settling a plate of food in front of her. Whatever kind of food it was she doesn’t care - it’s not like she’s really going to eat any of them, anyway. At least Korra wouldn’t pay much attention to her as she dug into her own food, eyes gleaming at the first bite. She takes her time to compliment the chef. “This is really good, Pema!”
“I know,” Pema smirks knowingly, and Jinora rolls her eyes in amusement from the other side of the table.
Something fills Asami’s heart when she watches them all instead of eating her food - envy, jealousy, it doesn't matter anymore. The way it’s so easy for them to talk and smile and eat without having this feeling of dread and nausea when food enters their stomach, the voice screaming in their heads why did you eat you don’t deserve it get it out get it out -
“So, Asami.”
She pulls herself away from her destructive thoughts and tries to focus on her girlfriend ( girlfriend?) instead . “Hmm?”
“I was thinking we should take a few weeks off to travel back to my parents, you know, for the winter holiday.”
Asami feels a lump forming in her throat. “Us?”
“Yeah, you know. We should take a break from rebuilding the city and all that. It would be like a vacation.”
“A vacation,” she repeats. Korra nods, a hopeful smile on her face, but not too hopeful - like there’s dark clouds hovering above her as she hopes for a sunny, blue sky. It sets something off inside Asami, like the feeling she would get when she was back in school and the other kids would say “daddy’s girl, can you ever do anything without his help?” and she’d promise herself that she’d do anything to prove them wrong - good grades, fighting skills, sharp wit, I’ll prove it to you, just you see.
And for Korra? She’d do anything to prove to her that she’ll do anything for her.
“Sounds great!”
“Really?” Korra’s eyes light up in surprise, and there's a twinge of satisfaction in her heart as she watches her grin widen. “Yes! We should start packing today, we’ll need to bring lots of warm clothes and blankets and I’ll have to call my parents and get a boat ready and…”
At least Korra is busy rambling to the air children to see that she’s just playing with her food and twisting them around. At least Pema is too busy balancing Rohan in one arm and trying not to burn her cooking in the other. At least the air children were busy giving suggestions to Korra on what they should do on their vacation and Meelo yelling “ I want to come with you, take me with you!”, and it’s probably a good thing that they’re so busy on anything but her that they won’t notice she’s dying quietly in the corner. That one day she could just crumble into dust and disappear into thin air and nobody will even know that she’s gone.