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Geralt can't stop looking. He's had problems with starting at Jaskier before, but never like this; never with fear in his heart or the taste of bile on his tongue. Never with the knowledge that this will be the last time or very close to it.
But Jaskier's doublet is undone and his shirt ripped, revealing bandages that Geralt wrapped himself; a stark reminder of Jaskier's humanity, of his fragility. He has no place being out here with a witcher or rather, Geralt has no place trying to keep him. All he can offer Jaskier is a broken heart and an early grave.
They don't speak on their way back to town and Jaskier probably thinks Geralt is angry with him. He had acted angry, had been angry with himself for letting anything happen to Jaskier, but he hates that this is the last memory Jaskier will have of him. Geralt grits his teeth because he can never let anything like this happen again.
The inn is big and busy when they enter and all Geralt can think is that it will make it easier for him to slip out unnoticed. He rents a single room - a tiny token he allows himself, to spend one final night with Jaskier - and they make their way silently up to it. Their room is on the third floor and it is still early enough that Jaskier would normally hurry to the window to inspect their view, but he doesn't. He sets his things down and sits on the edge of the bed, carefully pulling off his doublet.
Geralt watches him, aches when he winces and wants so badly to go to him, to help him undress and tuck him into bed. But he doesn't. This is his fault and letting himself have Jaskier now is only going to hurt them both more tomorrow. So he strips mechanically out of his armour and his own clothes, taking extra care to lay them out neatly for the following morning.
When he can delay no longer, he turns to find Jaskier already in bed, turned away to face the wall. Geralt shuts his eyes and sighs softly. This won't be an amicable parting, then. He didn't expect it to be, not really, but he was hoping they might have one final night of normalcy before Geralt returned to the solitude of the path.
He slips into bed next to Jaskier, barely daring to breathe and shuts his eyes.
It's not yet dawn when Geralt wakes. Jaskier has shifted in his sleep, lying on his back with his lips slightly parted. He wrinkles his nose in his sleep and Geralt's stomach drops. He wonders if he'll ever be truly happy again knowing Jaskier is out there somewhere, but not with him.
He slips out of bed quietly, dressing only on his clothes and wrapping his armour for easy transport. He leaves his coin purse on the nightstand. Jaskier has been paying for most of their lodgings lately and it would be cruel for Geralt to leave him alone with nothing.
Geralt makes it to the stables before he breaks down. Emotions too numerous and varied to count boil up within him and he clenches his hands around the reins, forcing back tears. Roach nudges him with her nose, but he can't even bring himself to lift his head.
He doesn't know how long he stands like that before he pulls himself together, but the grey light of morning is creeping across the valley as he rounds the inn. There, sitting on the front steps wrapped in a sheet, is Jaskier. He doesn't stand up, he just looks at Geralt and Geralt feels as though he's been kicked in the stomach.
"You were just going to leave?" Jaskier asks, "After all this time, you were just going to leave without even saying goodbye?"
Geralt opens his mouth to speak, but nothing happens.
"I knew you were mad, but I thought I warranted a goodbye at least. Twenty years, Geralt."
He sounds devastated. Geralt always knew he'd break Jaskier's heart, but he didn't think he'd be around to witness it.
"It's for the best." Geralt says and when he glances up he can see the bandages again, more prominent without clothing in the way.
"For who?" Jaskier snaps, "because it's certainly not for me."
"Maybe you don't see it yet-" Geralt starts, but Jaskier interrupts, rising to his feet and storming over to him - the effect of which is slightly lessened by his rumpled hair and bedsheet.
"Fuck you, Geralt. I tried to save you. I did save you! I almost had to watch you fucking die and this is the thanks I get? I don't fucking think so. I deserve more than being left in the middle of the night. And I know you, I'd never see you again if you didn't want me to."
He reaches out and shoves him and to both their surprise, Geralt stumbles.
"You're right," Geralt says. "You deserve so much more. you deserve a life and you won't have one if I keep dragging you along with me."
"Dragging me-" Jaskier shouts, exasperated, "like there's anywhere else I'd be as happy. Geralt you're a big fucking idiot if you think leaving me is going to make me safe. Because that's what this is about isn't it? I thought you were mad but you're just freaking out because of this-" he grabs Geralt's hand, pressing his palm over the bandages, right above his heart.
Geralt can feel the firm, steady beat of it and he very nearly chokes.
" I'm right here," Jaskier says softly and when Geralt looks up he can see tears welling in his eyes, "right where I've always been." He folds both his hands over Geralt's and the sheet slips around his shoulders.
"Don't go," Jaskier whispers and Geralt breaks.
His knees buckle and he winds up on the ground with Jaskier in his lap, pressing him tightly against his chest. Tears burn the backs of his eyes and he buries his face in Jaskier's hair.
"I almost lost you," he chokes, "what would I do- if you-"
"Shh," Jaskier soothes, petting his hair. "I told you, I'm here. it's going to take a lot more than a fiend to get rid of me."
Geralt makes a small broken sound in the back of his throat and buries his face in Jaskier's neck. It's light before either of them moves and then it's only because Jaskier shivers.
"I'm okay," he insists, but Geralt bundles him back anyway, looking sadly at him. "Please come back to bed," he whispers, "tomorrow I'll book us another day and we can relax, spend the whole day in bed."
Geralt says nothing, but he lets Jaskier pull him to his feet. He follows him to the stable to settle Roach again and then Jaskier takes him back up to bed.
This time, Jaskier curls around him, pulling Geralt's head against his chest. Geralt hates the sight of the bandages, but when he lifts his hand he can feel the strength of Jaskier's heartbeat beneath them. And he focuses on that, that after everything they've been through, Jaskier is still standing strong. That maybe Geralt has more to offer him after all.