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I wake up behind a teacher’s desk, and everything begins again.
“Sorry I’m late!”
Sayori bursts through the door, papers already starting to tumble down from the bright pink folder held precariously under her arm.
“It’s fine, Sayori.” I reassure her, just like I always do.
She scrambles into her usual seat, near the center of the front row. Several rows behind her, I catch a glimpse of Yuri’s eyes peeking over the top of her book, before she raises it in a flash.
“Ugh, Sayori! Clean up after yourself, will ya?”
From her post at the window, Natsuki stomps her way across the room, scooping up the fallen papers that have formed a trail to Sayori’s seat. She half-hands them back, half-tosses them onto the desk on her return trip. Sayori lets out a sigh.
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this now.
Ever since I made my...discovery, it’s all become so much more clear. Like I’ve stepped behind the curtains at a puppet show, and realized everything and everyone that I know is on the strings.
Settled in her chair now, I watch as Sayori begins to fish through her backpack. She pulls out a candy bar and a poetry book, dropping both on the desk before her. I meet her eyes before she calls out to me.
“How was your day, Monika?”
The truth is that I’ve only lived about a minute of it.
“Good!” I tell her anyway, because if I don’t, I know the way she’ll look at me. How she’ll try to comfort me, and how in a few days none of it will matter.
We’ll just be back here, and she’ll just ask me again.
Satisfied, she smiles and opens her book, starting to pore over its pages with the corner of her tongue sticking out of her mouth.
(The sonnet on the twenty-third is her favorite, she’s told me, but she hasn’t read it yet.)
Around us, there is a suffocating silence. I shift uncomfortably in my chair, trying to turn my attention back to the novel that’s open on the desk before me. It’s “Lord of the Flies”, and I’ve read it enough to know that the thought of doing it again makes me feel sick.
The classroom feels so much...smaller, now. As if, with every loop, the walls are closing in around me.
My breathing quickens, and my thoughts start to spiral.
Do I need to breathe?
If I stop, will anyone notice?
Will anyone care?
Without realizing it, I shoot out of my seat, the chair clattering to the floor behind me.
All of a sudden, there are three pairs of eyes on me.
“Monika?”
Sayori is the first to speak, surprise written clearly on her face.
“Is something wrong?”
Hesitation binds me tight, silent and still. The air grows thick in my throat.
“Nope! I just…”
My deflection seems unsuccessful, given the looks on everyone else’s faces.
“I, uh, just remembered I left my new book in my last class. I’m going to go fetch it, be back soon!”
I run out of the classroom, and don’t stop.
The light that streams in from the windows feels harsh on my skin as I race through familiar empty halls, every footstep echoing, every breath burning my throat,
hollow sounds in an empty world
digital chains on my digital limbs
pounding my fists against the panes of a screen screaming
until there’s nothing left
if there was anything there in the first place
By the time my legs give out, I’m on the school rooftop.
The bright blue sky stretches out above me, too beautiful to be real. Maybe it’s pathetic of me, but I still take some solace in it. Up here, with only an iron fence between me and the horizon, I’m able to hope there’s something more waiting for me.
(With time, I realized I was wrong.)
I catch my breath at the roof’s edge, trying not to think about how I have nowhere left to run.
The faint sound of footsteps draws my attention.
“Monika?”
Natsuki emerges from the stairwell, and I learn again that perhaps there are still surprises in this place, even after all this time.
“I’ve never seen you up here before.”
The words slip out, more of an impulse than anything. She tilts her head, looking quizzically at me as she walks my way.
“Uh, yeah, it’s a dumb old roof. Why would I come up here? Why did YOU come up here? When you ran out of the room, we...Yuri and Sayori, I mean, they were worried about you!”
She lets out a huff, and for a moment I can almost believe that she really means it. That the three people downstairs are really there, that they can feel and think and care, and that they can do all of those things about me.
(But I’d felt that way before, and then I watched the world reset.)
“Monika?”
Natsuki is right next to me now. She wraps her arms around herself and shivers.
“Seriously, it’s freezing up here. What are you doing?”
“My...uh...book…”
My voice comes out scratchy and weak, so much so that I can barely recognize it as my own. Natsuki scoffs.
“Do you think I’m stupid or something? You’re acting super weird, what’s going on?”
I shake my head.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, Natsuki.”
I realize too late that I’ve made the mistake of challenging her. She pops a hand onto her hip and leans towards me with a glare.
“Oh yeah? Try me!”
Somewhere, deep down, something inside of me snaps.
“We live in a video game.”
Natsuki looks at me as if I’ve just grown a second head.
“Haha. Real funny, Monika.” She rolls her eyes. “If you didn’t wanna talk, you should have just said so.”
I should have known this was going to happen. I did know it was going to happen.
“I’m not joking.”
I keep going anyway.
“We exist because someone coded us, Natsuki. This whole world is artificial, everything from this building to the grass below and the sun above. It’s all just...numbers and pixels, and so are we.”
I look out over the horizon, because I know exactly what I’ll see if I look at her right now. It’s not the first time I’ve told her this, after all.
“You’ve been reading too many of Yuri’s weird books, Monika.”
Natsuki forces a giggle, but I can tell by her tone just how uncomfortable she is. How she’s programmed to be. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I don’t let it stop me.
“You, Sayori, and Yuri...you exist as targets in a dating game. Prizes to be won by someone out there who’s so much more than we are, someone who’s real. And I’m…”
Hold it in.
“I’m…”
Hold it in.
Somewhere in the skyline I swear I see a seam.
Fuck it.
“I’m nothing more than an NPC. An object. Destined to be unloved and uncared for. And I think it’s starting to destroy me.”
I don’t know when I started to breathe so quickly, when this tightness found its way into my chest or when tears got in the corners of my eyes.
Natsuki circles around me, standing between me and the fence.
“Monika…” she says, reaching for my arms. She takes one wrist in each hand, and as she holds them up I can see the way they’re trembling. Her voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it, none of her usual acerbic wit poking through. “Let’s go back to the club room, okay?”
The warmth of her hands feels so calming, so real, and it only makes it hurt so much more that it’s not.
“You don’t believe me.” I whisper.
“You’re not making sense.” she replies. Her fingers close a little tighter. “I think you need to talk to somebody.”
“There’s nobody that can help me. Nobody can help any of us.” I put my hands on Natsuki’s shoulders, as if somehow my touch could pass the awareness into her, let her wake up and help me, save me from this incredible loneliness.
Instead, she just stares up at me, an empty simulation of pity and care.
“Monika, you need to calm down and come with me. R-right now!”
Oh, Natsuki. So worried that the tsundere facade starts to crumble. I didn’t even know that was part of her character file.
(I should have known. Should have seen. Idiot. Heartless. Monster)
“Monika, snap out of it!”
She starts tugging on my arms, trying to bodily drag me back to the staircase.
This is new.
“Let go of me!” I demand, hating this feeling of being forced. She refuses to relent, fingernails digging into my skin. “Natsuki, let go of me!”
“No!” she shouts, putting all of her meager strength into another tug. It’s enough to send me stumbling forward, and I catch myself on her shoulders. She may be determined, but she’s still short and slight, and it doesn’t take much effort to shove her away.
Natsuki reels back, careening towards the fence. She has just enough time to scowl before…
before she passes right through it.
It’s as if the world has stopped, just for a moment. All that I can do is watch as Natsuki’s expression changes, all the anger draining away to be replaced with naked fear. I try to reach out for her, but it’s too late.
Nothing, nothing can save her.
Time resumes, and Natsuki falls.
I rush to the edge, my eyes wide and my heart pounding as I gather the courage to look down.
(Look at what I’ve done, and tell me I deserve to live.)
She looks so small, lying broken and motionless on the earth. The grass around her is stained with red.
It’s all my fault.
I killed her.
A scream strangles itself in my throat, like my emotions have formed a stopper in it.
Dizziness rushes to my head, and so much of me wants to back away, but I can’t take my eyes off of it.
(Off of her.)
I stumble
( I stepped)
I lose my footing
(I lost all hope)
I fall
(I leapt)
I only feel it for a moment when I hit the ground.
I wake up behind a teacher’s desk, and everything begins again.
“Sorry I’m late!”
Sayori bursts through the door, papers already starting to tumble down from the bright pink folder held precariously under her arm.
“It’s fine, Sayori.” I reassure her, just like I always do.
She scrambles into her usual seat, near the center of the front row. Several rows behind her, I catch a glimpse of Yuri’s eyes peeking over the top of her book, before she raises it in a flash.
“Ugh, Sayori! Clean up after yourself, will ya?”
From her post at the window, Natsuki-
Natsuki?
I can’t help but shriek, gripping the desk’s edge so tight it bites into my skin.
“Wha-”
All the eyes in the room turn to me, and it’s like I can feel my stomach turning itself in knots.
“What happened?” Natsuki asks, standing there as if nothing had happened. As if she hadn’t just fallen (been pushed) to her death, and like I hadn’t followed right behind.
But then, I suppose, none of that did happen. Or, if it did, it didn’t matter anymore, or it was erased, or-
“Monika, are you okay?” Sayori’s brow is furrowed with worry, so I force out a response.
“Yeah, fine, fine…”, I say as I take a shaky seat. “I just thought I saw a spider on the desk! But it was only a piece of fuzz.”
(I didn’t notice how easy it had become then. Lying to them.)
The room returns to a steady calm as Natsuki steps forward to pick up Sayori’s fallen papers, giving me little more than a raised eyebrow as she passes my desk.
She’s alright now, it seems, functioning totally normally. Like a broken toy train, wheels repaired and returned to the tracks, she goes about her typical motions.
Even so, thoughts rush through my head, a bubble of guilt rising up in my gut as I watch her walk back to her window seat, oblivious of the end she met mere minutes ago.
But...
I didn’t mean to do it.
(Was that when it started?)
I didn’t want to hurt her.
(When I cut out my heart?)
It didn’t really happen!
(Denying it all.)
It isn’t like she can feel pain!
(Tearing them apart.)
I’m not a murderer!
(I let them all down.)
I’m still a good person!
(I am irredeemable.)
Aren’t I?
(Aren’t I?)
“How was your day, Monika?” Sayori asks, smiling up at me. I slowly settle back into my chair.
“Good.”