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As far as parties go, this one isn’t an all-timer.
For one, we’re having it in a high school classroom, which has got to already knock some pretty serious points off. There are only three of us in the room, and Yuri’s nose is crammed so far into one of her books that it’s really more like two, which seems like a pretty lousy turnout.
Oh, and the sky isn’t fixed yet, so every once in a while the sky just disappears for a little bit and leaves the whole room dark.
Still, despite it all, Sayori seems like she’s having the time of her life.
She’s scrawling “WELCOME BACK, LITERATURE CLUB!” on the blackboard with a bit of chalk, and I can’t deny it, it’s pretty freaking cute. I know she’s been working so hard trying to recreate this place, get it all nice and pretty and existing again, so I guess I get how she’s feeling. I’m not going to piss on her parade.
Still, I get a little worried as soon as she turns to me with those big blue eyes.
“Nats? Can you come here for a sec?”
For a moment, I want to snap back “C’mere yourself!”, but it’s Sayori, and she’s like, the nicest person to ever exist, so I suck it up and walk over.
“What’s going on?” I ask, once I reach the front of the room. Sayori’s hands almost immediately come together, and she starts playing with her fingers.
“Can I ask you for a little fa-vor?”
Oh boy.
“Sure, what’cha need?”
Sayori’s expression dims, just a little, and it really does hurt my heart to see it.
“It’s been a long time since she went upstairs...and I’m getting worried.”
I beat back a sigh, nodding my head.
“You want me to drag her back down here?”
“Not...like...literally! But…”
I’m about to declare this possibilty about a million miles away when suddenly Sayori’s eyes get a little wider, and her cheeks puff out, and...ugh. She knows how to tug on my heartstrings, okay?!
I cross my arms and huff. She’s at least got to think I’m a little angry about it, right?
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll take care of it.”
Sayori squeaks and claps her hands, and it’s cute enough that I feel a little better. But not totally, given what I’m about to go do.
It’s not often you have to go talk the woman who murdered your best friends into getting her ass back to the party your once-murdered best friends are hosting within the reconstructed remains of your video game reality.
Ugh, my life is so fucking weird.
Searching the second floor comes up empty. It’s not until I climb the concrete steps to the school roof that I find what I’m looking for.
She’s up there, it turns out. Standing with her back to me, both hands clinging to the fence that surrounds the rooftop. I don’t think she heard me close the door behind me, so I take the chance to just...observe her for a little while.
...What?
It’s not weird if she erased you from existence one time!
What is weird is...well, whatever she’s up to. The digital wind (nice touch, I’ve gotta admit) tousles the bottom of her ponytail as she slides along the fence, pushing and prodding each and every link as she goes. It’s like watching a machine, with how much her movements are methodical and measured.
“Hey.” I mutter.
She doesn’t respond, lost in her own little world.
“Hey!” I shout.
This time it works.
Monika turns to face me, emerald eyes wide with surprise, and a little part of me still feels stuck between screaming and decking her in the stomach. Thankfully, I can hold myself back from doing either.
...Sayori and I have talked about this, more than once. She insists that Monika isn’t a threat.
That she’s every bit as much of a part of our weird little club as us and Yuri are.
That she was confused and misinformed, lonely and scared.
That what she needs is our compassion, not our scorn.
That forgiving her is part of healing, and healing is something that all of us need to do.
And I get where she’s coming from, I really do!
I’m just...not quite there yet, I think.
“Natsuki? What are you doing here?”
She’s looking at me like I grew a second head. I meet her eyes and give her a frown.
“I oughta ask you the same thing. What are you doing up here on the roof?”
“I was just…” She looks over her shoulder, like she’s forgotten I just walked in on her obsessively inspecting a piece of metal. Or, perhaps, she’s just thinking up a lie.
“I was...just looking for something I dropped earlier.”
Yeah. Some things never change.
“Didn’t you say you weren’t gonna lie to us anymore? Or was that, well…”
She shifts uncomfortably under my glare, and I have to admit, it is a little fun to watch. I’ve got to get my wins in when I can, you know.
“Sorry.” she mumbles, running a hand through her hair. She turns back to the fence and starts to rub all over it again. “I’m just making sure all the collision works…”
“Collision?” Admittedly, I’m curious, so I walk up next to her. If there’s anything special about this freakin’ fence, I certainly can’t tell. “What’s that mean?”
Monika purses her lips, tapping a fingernail against the iron links in her hands. “It’s a programming thing. It’s what makes objects in this world...exist, basically. Why this is a fence and not just a picture of one.”
I haven’t done any of that weird programming crap. It still doesn’t sit quite right with me, but that’s a simple enough explanation (and I’m a smart enough cookie!) to understand what she means.
“Gotcha.” I squeeze the metal in my hand. It’s cold, hard, and it bites into my skin. Even putting aside this “collision” stuff, it certainly feels real enough to me. But I suppose I wouldn’t know, would I? Ugh.
It’s...not fun to think about. I’m not used to thinking about it. Maybe I never will be.
I notice Monika watching me out of the corner of her eye. Her breathing is coming in ragged bursts, and she probably thinks I don’t even notice.
“What’s wrong with you?” I ask.
“Natsuki...could you take a step back?”
I raise an eyebrow.
“You up to something?”
It’s a little rude, I guess, but I don’t trust her. Can’t trust her.
Monika frowns, as if she’s going to fire back at me, but the words die somewhere in her throat. Her response comes out weak and quiet.
“No. Just…”
She just kinda...stands there for a moment. Like she doesn’t know what to say next. It’s a state I’ve seen Yuri in about a million times, but never Monika.
Not until lately, anyway. I try to gently ease her out of it.
“Spit it out!”
Maybe not as gentle as I intended.
“I don’t like seeing you so close to...the edge, you know?”
When I look up again, she’s turned away, still running her fingers over the fence. Her posture says “this conversation is over”, but I’ve never been one to give up that easily.
“I can take care of myself, you know!”
Ugh. Fucking Monika. I don’t exactly remember all of the time we spent together before the game got destabilized, but I doubt there’s much that could have prepared me for the woman who deleted me getting her panties in a twist about me standing in a dangerous spot.
I go to give her a glare, in case she hasn’t gotten the picture, and...hold on a minute.
Holy crap, why is she crying?
She tries to angle her face away from mine, but it’s too late. I saw the tears dripping from her face, and the fake coughing fit she’s just thrown herself into isn’t as good at hiding the sobs as she thinks it is.
“Hey, hey! What’s with you?” I ask. Monika inhales, and it makes a ragged sound as she tries to compose herself.
“It’s just...just…”
As our eyes meet, I think she finally realizes that the time for lies between us is over.
“I saw you fall.”
At first, I don’t understand what she means. Then I follow her eyes to the edge of the roof.
Oh.
Monika’s hands are curled into fists at her sides, shaking like leaves in the wind. For once, even my big mouth can’t find the words.
“I was trying to tell you about what this world really was. You didn’t listen, and you grabbed me...started trying to drag me back to the stairs. I pushed you away, and the fence wasn’t solid, didn’t have collision, and…”
I watch as she hunts for the ending that we both know perfectly well.
“...You fell.”
It isn’t the first time I’ve heard of something like this.
It’s something that still keeps me up at night sometimes. The idea that this life isn’t my first, isn’t even close, that our existence isn’t concrete, isn’t normal, isn’t even real.
I look over the edge of the rooftop, and for just a moment, I swear I can see my corpse lying in the grass below.
But it’s not the only one.
For a few moments, neither of us makes a sound. Eventually, I get there.
“What did you do?”
She doesn’t answer.
“Monika, what did you do?”
It’s a question that’s never far from my lips, and it’s not the first time she’s heard it.
“I fell too.” she whispers.
Maybe it’s a specter of the past, the last dregs of some forgotten life whispering in my ear, or maybe it’s a recollection from this place itself, or maybe it’s some other shit entirely, but I know that’s not all.
It’s maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say.
“No.” I reply.
“You jumped.”
If we aren’t real, if we can’t actually feel things like pain or sadness, Monika does a hell of an impression.
Her perfect little disguise contorts on her face, and I watch as anger and confusion and denial flash by, followed in an instant by loss and fear and misery, and then she’s on her knees, sobbing into the empty air under a digital sky.
I approach my fallen friend, and I put a hand on her shoulder. For a while, we just stay like that.
I dunno how long.
I just watch the clouds go by.
Monika’s sobs have quieted to sniffles by the time I speak again.
“Hey. Sayori and Yuri want you in the club room.”
That’s enough to get her back on her feet, shakily rising while one hand wipes at her eyes.
“Oh? W-why’s that?”
I fight back the urge to roll my eyes. (Don’t let anyone tell you I never do that, got it?)
“We’re having a Literature Club party! You’re the Literature Club President, aren’tcha? I’m pretty sure if you skip it that’s, y’know, denigration of duty, right.”
It’s quiet, but she laughs. First time I’ve heard that in a while.
“I think you mean dereliction, Natsuki.”
Okay, now I roll my eyes.
“Whatever! C’mon.”
I extend a hand, and she wraps her fingers around it. I’m not sure what to say, so I just give them a squeeze.
And with that, she follows me back towards the steps.