Work Text:
Join me.
The first time you spoke to me. You asked me to join the Survey Corps. I say ask, but it wasn't really a question; it was a command. On my knees with my hands shackled behind me, as if I had the option to say no. But knowing you, you probably already knew I wouldn't say no... No, I couldn't say no. So I said yes. It was nothing more than a mission after all.
Don't regret.
Your words made no sense to me. How could you possibly say that with a straight face, with the carnage all around you? I watched as you rode off, your hand still bleeding from where my blade cut in; somehow more optimistic than when we left the walls. I've never quite understood you; exactly what you wanted, but you had your eyes set on something I could never see. You said you expected me to follow you, and I did. The world was suddenly much bigger than me, outside the walls, vast and endless, and I chose to follow wherever you led me, hoping it was a choice I wouldn't regret.
Let me stay.
I don't know how you found me; I didn't want to be found. But there you were towering above me, yet somehow not looking down. You sat wordlessly beside me, staring up at the moon, and took a swig from the bottle I was trying to drown myself in. Loss, after loss, after loss. These were young men and women who willingly sacrificed themselves, yet here I was, dragged down by the guilt, once again the only one who made it out alive. We owe it to them; to live and give their deaths meaning, you whispered as you wrapped an arm around me. I woke up to your heartbeat under my ear, and looked up to see tearstains on your cheeks. I left before you woke up, but from then on, this became our ritual. From an arm around me it went to your lips on mine and from there, to waking up in your bed and staying till you wished me good morning.
Be my right hand.
When they brought you back I thought I was going to die. For days you lay there, unmoving, and I waited by your bed every minute I could find. I looked after your work till you woke up, and the small smile you gave me when you did; for a second I forgot the reality of our lives. Then you learnt the truth. I watched the mad gleam in your eyes; you once again were looking at something far ahead. I asked if you had a plan, and like always, you did; though it was more of a gamble. Far too many uncertainties, so much could go wrong, but you asked me to trust you, and I did. I told you I was at your disposal, a pawn to wish as you please. No, you're my knight, you corrected, running a finger along my cheek. I helped you in every way I could, even when you were too stubborn to ask, and prayed that your gamble would pay off.
Make the choice.
Once again, you left the burden to me, and I accepted. I watched your face as you lay beside me, and I realised that under the facade of a demon, there still was a man; a very broken and tired man, using all his remaining strength to keep it together, not letting his mask slip and affect his men. As I lay there in the dark, huddled close to you for warmth, I heard you mumbling in your sleep; something about finally having the strength, the courage... When I asked you about it just before dawn, you promised you'd tell me later. I wanted to argue, but you just smiled and kissed me as the sun rose, promising to tell me when we made it through today, and walked off. When the stones came raining down, I rushed to be by your side. I asked if you had a plan, and the look on your face told me you did; but you were hesitating. I did as I had promised, and I made the choice for you. I wanted to slap you as you thanked me, I wanted you to promise me you'd stay alive, but we both knew that was a promise neither of us could ever make. I refrained from asking you about the morning... I made it through; you didn't.
I did find out what you were mumbling about though, much later. I realised when I found the two rings in your front pocket before we buried you; and if you had been alive I'd have killed you with my bare hands. I was told you'd had them for quite a while, and I cursed you for never asking. What were you afraid of? When have I ever denied you anything? My answer to you has always been yes... always yes.
But then I remembered the time I'd asked how a man like you still wasn't married. You were writing letters to the families of the comrades we'd lost; I had the list in my hand, but you didn't need it; you had every name and face memorised. Levi, I've sent home way too many hollow caskets with hollower letters, you explained. You said it'd kill you all over again if you had to leave someone behind after you promised them forever; so you never promised me forever... but hadn't we already promised ourselves each other?
The world has changed a lot since you left it, and I think you'd have loved to see it. I know I'd have loved to see it with you. I kept the last promise I made you, and I've lived on, to remember you, and every other friend and comrade we lost along the way. Your sacrifices have been given meaning; you were watching, weren't you? I've been sleeping a lot longer than the three hours that always worried you so long ago, and I know there's not much longer before I see you again. I wonder what's it like in the afterlife, if it really still exists. Or maybe we'll meet in a different life. Will you be there to greet me? Will you take my hand and lead me once I'm there? Will you whisper to me how much you love me as you trail kisses along my neck again? I don't regret the choice I made back then; I simply can't help but wish you were here beside me sometimes.
I still wear the rings I found in your pocket around my neck; I hope you'll be brave enough to let me say yes to you once more, you stupid man.