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John Watson. You used to keep me right. But how can I be right when everything in the world is so wrong? How can I be okay when you're off with her and not me? How could you forgive her? You left me. And now it's just me, alone, against the rest of the world.
Calm, Sherlock, collected.
Stay neutral.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Delete John Watson. Delete all memory of or pertaining to John Hamish Watson. Delete the last few years. Delete his blog. Delete his stupid jumpers, the little goddamn crinkles by his eyes when he smiles. Delete. John. Watson.
Do it in steps, if it's too hard. Delete the wedding. No! Delete Mary. But wouldn't that mean deleting John? That would mean John would have died sooner. No. Do not delete Mary Morstan. Burn the rooms for John in your mind palace, if you can't delete them. Burn them all. Leave no trace of John behind.
Pathetic, brother mine. You never listened to me. I told you not to get too close. But you're just a stupid little boy again. A stupid, crying little boy who lost his best friend. Like when you lost Redbeard.
You knew from the start that no-one, especially not someone as remarkable as John Watson would even look at you twice. You were an idiot to ever believe that he cared at all.
But he did, didn't he?
No, of course he didn't. He lied to you.
John wouldn't lie, John couldn't lie...
Deep breaths.
Why can you hear sirens, Sherlock?
"Sherlock, Sherlock, they're here... The ambulance... Hold on, the ambulance..."
A voice that seems miles away, echoing, bouncing around, a pleading voice, low, rough.
I once told John, I remember quite clearly, that I could live out the rest of my days in my mind palace, quite happy. I could. Because in my mind, John Watson lives on. John Watson lives on in my heart.
"Come on, Sherlock, you can do this... Just a bit longer..."
Greg. Gavin. Graham. Lestrade. It's Lestrade. Why can I hear him? Make it stop! Tell it to stop! Graham! I'm trying to concentrate. What do you want?
"Hang in there, Sherlock..."
Hang in where? Damnit, Gavin, leave me alone and go babble your nonsense at my brother.
"John's alive, Sherlock. The shot, it missed all his vital organs. You didn't listen to the whole phone call."
John. No. He couldn't be alive. Mary shot him. Mary shot him a-and the phone call, it said 'critical condition'. No. John got shot.
But Sherlock, where are you now?
In 221B. Deleting John. Dead John.
And Gavin's with you? Why?
I don't know! I told him to leave.
Open your eyes, Sherlock.
"Sherlock, you're not okay. Get out of your mind palace. You overdosed. Sherlock! You're in hospital... They're taking you to get better... We're all here. John's okay. Fight for us, Sherlock."
Overdosed? Yes. 221B. Cocaine. Took too much. I knew it was too much. Called Gavin. Gavin called 999. Cried when I called him Greg. Cried and tried to make me throw up.
"Let me through!"
New voice. Posher. Clearer. Mycroft. Dying. Must be really dying. John's okay and I'm dying. Stupid Sherlock. Stupid. Bet Mycroft will call you stupid now.
"Sherlock, hold on, for me. I love you, Lockie. Don't give up. John's okay. Gregory's okay. I'm okay. Mrs. Hudson is okay. Hold on, please."
Mycroft. Emotional. Definitely dying. Have to get better. Need to survive. Need to see John. Need to hold John. Need to tell him... Need to get better.
"Is John okay to come out of his room?"
Lestrade. Knows I don't believe him. Knows I don't think John's okay.Mary shot John. How can John be okay?
"Detective Inspector Lestrade, it is strongly advised that he doesn't leave his bed-"
Nurse. Doctor. John in critical condition, can't leave his bed. John Watson is definitely in danger. Stand up. Get up.
"Lockie! No! Stay lying down, you can't get up... Please, Lockie, I'm begging you... Stay in the bed."
Mycroft. Mycroft begging. Pleading. Mycroft's never begged in his life. Must be in danger.
"Just relax Sherlock, let the doctors do their job."
Lestrade. Crying. Never heard Lestrade cry. Why's Lestrade crying?
"Lockie! Lockie, we're losing you! Lockie! Don't give up. Not yet, we're losing you."
Losing me? How? Noise. Doctors, nurses. Losing me. Dying. Dying and John Watson is alive. John Watson is alone. Get better, Sherlock. 221B. Think of John Watson's blog. His stupid fluffy jumpers. Extraordinary John Watson. Brilliant John Watson. Your John Watson.
"Greg... He's not gone. He can't be. Get him to John."
Slowing down. Going dark. Dying. Felt like this before. Dying, Sherlock. Breathe. Heart, beat. Open your eyes.
"Get him to John Watson now! Now! Incompetent bastards, I'll get you fired- Get John Watson!"
Moving.
"Sherlock! It's me! It's John. Come on... Hang on, for me?"
John. Can't die. Can't leave John Watson.
"Come on, Sherlock. Mary's gone, remember? She shot me. She's in jail. She's gone. Just you and me."
Just the two of us. Against the rest of the world. Fight for John. Fight for 221B. Fight for Gavin. Fight for Myc. Fight, fight, fight, don't let go. Never give up. Never give in.
"Me and you, Sherlock, 'til the end of the line."
'Til the end of the line.
"It's not working, Mycroft, I'm sorry..."
John feels guilty. Couldn't save me. Myc couldn't save me. Can't be saved.
"Sherlock, don't leave me, I-"
John. Crying. Voice, broken. Holding my hand. Touching my cheek.
"I love you. I always have, it's always been you, Sherlock, I know it sounds stupid and I know you're married to your work and sentiment is weakness and you probably can't hear me but I love you, Sherlock Holmes. I love you."
Heart. Beating. Blood. Circulating. John Watson loves you. Smiling, blogging, Captain John H. Watson, Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers loves you. Breathe. Just one breath. Don't let them give up on you. Move a finger. Anything.
"He's breathing! Look, Myc, honey, he's breathing."
Lestrade calling Mycroft honey? Together? Mycroft's... Goldfish. Graham is his goldfish? Breathe. Breathe. Now open your eyes. And speak.
"John..." Voice. Croaky. But still a voice. Still words. Can still tell John. Tell him- "I..."
"Don't try to talk. It's okay."
John. Always caring, John. Always loving. Always there. Always extraordinary, brilliant, amazing, simple John. Never cruel, never cowardly. Perfect John.
Tell him. Tell him now.
"Love..."
Words. Use words. Say 'you'. Finish sentence.
"Love you, J-John..."
Open your eyes. Deep breath. Now, get better. Be happy. Solve crimes. Tell John you love him. Kiss John. Hold John. Watch John's ridiculous television shows. Tell Mycroft that you know about him and Greg. Thank Greg. Thank Mycroft. Thank John. Buy John presents. Solve crimes with John. Make sure John eats. Make sure John's happy. Try to get clean. Eat. Eat for John. Be happy and healthy for John Hamish Watson. Save yourself. Let John save you. Save John. Just breathe, think, smile, love, live.
Appreciate John Hamish Watson.