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“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; we need a suit of armor around the world.” Tony says confidently, waving his hands in the air. Something about the way he says it makes you want to blindly agree.
“We’ve been over this Tony.” Steve sighs. Bucky wonders if Steve is the only one in this room strong enough to think for himself when Tony puts on his voice of authority. Or maybe Bucky is just the only one fooled by it.
“And how well did it go when we did it your way Cap?” Tony asks as if he’s genuinely interested in Steve’s answer.
“We can’t point a gun at the world and call it protection.” Bucky is probably the only one who notices the annoyance in Steve’s voice. The other avengers are watching Steve and Tony intently, wondering when this will blow up. They have made up since their little disagreement a few years ago, but they still love getting at each other’s throats.
“Hold up. Who said anything about pointing guns?” Tony holds his hands in the air, brows raised at Steve. “You know I don’t like guns, Capsicle. That’s possibly the only thing we have in common.”
Bucky feels like this has happened before, like he’s just watching a rerun of a previous moment in his life. It’s almost a little dizzying how intense the déjà vu is.
Oh shit.
Déjà vu means a seizure is coming. Bucky sags in defeat. He should’ve known going all day without one wouldn’t last. You can’t blame him for having hope of a normal day though.
“You know what I mean Tony. We can’t just-”
“Steve?” Bucky interrupts as he feels the fog settle over his brain. Steve’s head whips around, looking at Bucky in surprise. Bucky never says anything at any of the meetings. He’s more of a follow the directions type than a make the decisions type, not contributing at all.
Bucky can feel multiple eyes on him as Steve scans his face. He must see something that tips him off because he holds up a finger in Tony’s direction as if to say, ‘hold on’ and makes his way around the table to Bucky’s side.
“Now?” He whispers, even though everyone knows what their interaction means.
Bucky just nods. He’s still able to think kind of clearly, but his ability to speak seems to have gone. Steve helps him up and supports him as they exit the room.
“Can you make it home?” Steve asks, meaning their apartment in the compound. Bucky nods, hoping he’s right. He can’t tell how far away the seizure is, just that it’s coming.
Bucky’s lip starts twitching while they’re in the elevator. He leans his head back, trying to relax so it won’t be too bad.
“Breathe, Bucky. I’m here with you.” Steve says soothingly. Bucky can feel his muscles tensing up in anticipation and knows he doesn’t have much time left.
“It’s okay, we’re almost there.” Steve says as if he felt Bucky tense up too, maybe he did. Somehow, Steve manages to stay calm. If he is stressed about the situation they’re in, he doesn’t show it. Bucky is thankful, it’s much easier to stay calm when Steve is calm.
Just as they step out of the elevator, Bucky feels his body go limp. At least the hallway is better than the elevator. Especially if he gets nauseous, being in a moving block wouldn’t be ideal.
“Okay. You’re okay. Remember to breathe.” Steve says in a half-whisper as he lowers Bucky to the floor. He shrugs off his jacket, folding it up and putting it under Bucky’s head to try to protect it.
The next few minutes last too long. Bucky twitches on the floor, feeling his arm pulling in an unnatural way, his breath comes in hiccupping gulps and his jaw is so tight it hurts his teeth. His head twists to the right, as if his hand is pulling it with him. Every muscle is so tense he feels like he’s floating above the floor.
Losing control over his body like this is so scary. Especially when he has seizures like this one and he’s semi-conscious, feeling what happens to his body and being helpless. He knows that staying calm will help, stress makes them worse, but it’s really hard to stay calm.
“Breathe, you’re okay. I’m with you, Bucky. You are safe. It’ll be over sooner than you know.” Steve talks to him throughout the whole thing. Trying to help Bucky stay calm as he’s locked inside his body.
It’s hard not to fight against his body, but he tries to relax into it, knowing he’ll just make it worse if he tenses up. Letting his body pull and twist him in all kinds of unnatural ways makes him feel like he’s in control. He convinces himself he could’ve stopped it if he really tried, even though he knows that’s not true.
He hates the seizures he stays conscious in. The ones where he blacks out and wakes up sore and disoriented are so much more peaceful. He doesn’t have to fight the war inside his mind and body.
“There you go. Try to take deep breaths.” Bucky hears Steve say as he feels the twitching subside.
They stay in silence for a few minutes. Bucky tries to breathe deeply as he wills the fog to lift from his brain. He doesn’t remember the seizure, only the feeling of being trapped. As horrible as he remembers thinking the seizures are, at least he can’t remember them once they’re done.
It’s like his body experiences everything. He’s able to feel and think, but none of it sticks in his memories. Even though he’s grateful, it is a scary thought that he loses time every time this happens.
Every part of any seizure is always terrifying and exhausting. They’re just terrifying and exhausting in different ways.
“Was it bad?” Bucky slurs when he feels strong enough to speak again.
“You’ve had worse.” Steve smiles down at him. Bucky groans. His arm and neck are a little sore, but not too bad. He feels more tired from the muscles being overused than hurting from being stretched and twisted too far.
“Help me up?” Bucky says after another few minutes. He feels like he’s gained back enough muscle to make it into the apartment. The floor of the hallway is starting to hurt his hips and back.
Steve helps Bucky up, but doesn’t let go of him as they make their way into their apartment. As much as Bucky wants to be able to do it on his own, he’s glad Steve is so protective of him. He probably would’ve collapsed again if he had to use any more strength to stay upright.
“Couch?” Steve asks, but he’s already leading Bucky in that direction.
“Yeah.” Bucky says anyway. He moans when his sore body finally relaxes into the couch cushions.
“You can go back.” He feels almost back to normal now, just tired.
“I don’t know.” Steve looks unsure.
“I’ll just take a nap, I’ll be fine.” Bucky tries to convince him. Taking a nap will be much easier without Steve staring at him and checking if he needs anything every two minutes.
“Jarvis?” Steve asks the A.I.
“I’ll notify you of any changes to Barnes’ vital signs.” The British accent comes from the walls.
“See?” Bucky says, looking at Steve with his best puppy dog eyes.
“I’ll just be an hour, tops.” Steve gives in.
“I’ll be right here when you get back.” Steve sighs, bending down to give Bucky a kiss before leaving to go back to the meeting. Bucky closes his eyes and fall asleep almost instantly.