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Shouto wasn't exactly popular in middle school.
He was what he liked to call 'underground popular'. Everyone knew his name, knew who he was, sometimes said 'hi' if they saw him, but he didn't have a lot of friends per se. He saw them, knew them, liked them, but they were nothing more than acquaintances.
He only had two real friends: Tadao and Riku. It was the three of them, it was always the three of them, and it will always be the three of them. Shouto's mother always told him that the three of them had something special, and they did. Their friendship was unlike anything that Shouto had witnessed in his elementary, middle, and mid-high school career. They had been through it all.
Shouto had made mistakes, he'll be the first to admit that. They had the occasional twice-a-year fights that ended up with Shouto apologizing for everything (even if he didn't think he was 100% at fault). Because these were his best friends. Shouto, Riku, and Tadao.
Shouto was always told that he was handsome. He personally didn't see it, seeing the scars that riddled his arms, his legs, his face. He could maybe see it if he was given the right photograph at the right angle with one of those filters that blurred out imperfections, but other than that, he couldn't see eye to eye with people on that.
His mother told him that he was in high school. It was the prime time to figure out what kind of people he liked. There was no shame in going in and out of relationships quickly because that was what high school was for. Shouto quickly agreed with his mother on this. He watched people get heartbroken and devastated over relationships all around him. He was sure that it hurt, but he couldn't even fathom ever letting himself get that hurt over a relationship.
It was high school. Every relationship was meant to fall apart.
High school was to find out who you were, find out the type of people you liked to be around, find out what you like. It was all about self-discovery.
Luckily for Shouto, he already knew what kind of friends he liked: Riku and Tadao. Sure, he talked and on rare occasions hung out with other kids, but it was Riku and Tadao that he would make plans with every Friday, who would sleep over every Friday and get fast food for breakfast with on Saturday. It was tradition, it was everything.
Then Shouto ended up in the hospital.
He still remembers a lot of what happened vividly. The panic, the hesitation, the trying to get out of the house as quietly as humanly possible to drive himself to the hospital, the nurses struggling to get a needle in his vein for some ungodly reason that only annoyed him. And then he was sent off to a mental hospital.
He was there for five days. Only five days of being bitter of his surroundings, messing with people, causing chaos for the simple fact that he could, and then leaving. When he got back, he hung out with Riku and Tadao, telling them all about everything that had happened. It was nice to finally see them again.
It would have also been nice to get any sort of help that he needed at that hospital, but one out of two wasn't bad.
They continued with their weekly hangouts, being together anywhere from one to four times a week. They were attached at the hip, a package deal.
Shouto knew exactly what it was like at that hospital, which was why he got extremely concerned when Riku ended up there a few weeks later. Riku was there for eight days. Shouto knew Riku wasn't going to try to play the system as he did, that wasn't his style. When he came back, Shouto was surprised to hear that the hospital helped Riku. Only then did Shouto realize that he was too bitter to accept help in the hospital and maybe it could have helped him, but he didn't allow it to.
He talked to Tadao that week that Riku was gone. Tadao was going through a rough patch and Shouto helped to the best of his ability. But then Riku was back, the three of them were together once more.
But Shouto's mental health continued to go downhill on a steep decline. He was still getting into fights with his dad at home about grades, motivation, anything and everything that Shouto couldn't be.
And then the comparisons, those fucking comparisons.
"Natsuo never had these many missing assignments. Natsuo was driven and that's why he got into a good college. I never had to force Natsuo to get his schoolwork done," his father would snap.
Shouto tried to keep silent during those times. He knew it did no good to argue back, it would only make things worse. But sometimes, he couldn't help it, he was so angry, nobody in that house would listen to him or even ask why he had so much trouble completing assignments.
"I never had to force Natsuo to do his responsibilities," his father yelled one time. "He never yelled back at me when I told him to do something."
"Well, Natsuo didn't try to kill himself either!"
The argument stopped there. The two of them went silent, both unsure of what to say. In a silent agreement, they walked their separate ways. So of course, Shouto called the only person he would in this situation: Natsuo. Wasn't that ironic?
He remembers time and time again, calling Natsuo either on the verge of tears or sobbing about an argument between him and his parents, something going on at school, something between him and his two best friends. And he was always there for Shouto. Natsuo was the favorite for a reason, he was an amazing brother, the best that Shouto could ever ask for.
His mental health kept going downhill, the fights with his parents continued, everything continued to suck.
But one thing was looking up.
He had Riku to thank for this. He was forever grateful that Riku got him into anime. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have joined that art group, he wouldn't have met his online friends.
It was a simple dynamic. Everyone was a different character from the anime and they all made art and posted it like the characters ran the Instagram accounts.
It was really difficult making friends in that group at first. All of them had already formed close bonds and Shouto felt like he was intruding. That was until one girl reached out. Jirou was well-liked in the group, it shocked Shouto that she reached out, seeing how popular she was. She was socially awkward at first, but once she got comfortable around you, she joked around and was one of the funniest people Shouto had ever met.
Shouto remembered watching a video back in middle school talking about the value in telling people how much they helped you without them realizing it. So that's exactly what Shouto did.
And then just like that, a friendship was formed. Jirou and he would text and talk every night, stream movies together, do everything. It didn't matter that she was on the opposite side of the country and the three-hour time difference really fucked them over at times because he was happy. He was happy hanging out with her. Soon, Shouto met Shinsou and it was the three of them. The three of them laughed night after night.
It was no secret that Shouto's family was extremely well off. Both of his parents were successful in the medical field, but Shouto considered them humble. They didn't have one of those gargantuan houses or unnecessarily expensive clothing. They got what they needed, some of what they wanted, and didn't flaunt their wealth. His mother was usually quite generous. She knew that their family had more money than they needed, so she donated to charities, tipped minimum wage workers well, was overall generous.
Even when Shouto told her that his ex-boyfriend's house burned down, she decided to help out. Shouto was friends with all of his exes except one (who can get second degree burns in hell. Not third, Shouto wanted that bitch to feel every ounce of pain, that scum doesn't deserve any scorched nerves), and even though they had been broken up, Shouto and his mother were happy to help because he was a good person and they talked and caught up with each other from time to time. Rei grew up in a third-world country, immigrating to Shouto's home country to become a doctor. Shouto doesn't remember, but his mother loved to tell Shouto about how when he was two, he walked around the courtroom with a purpose as Rei was getting her citizenship.
Shouto's father wasn't as generous as his mother was. Enji wasn't too fond of the idea of helping Shouto's ex for some weird reason that Shouto is too embarrassed to admit. His parents got into a mild argument about it and Shouto felt awkward watching it happen. They worked it out, they always did.
One day, Shouto asked his mother a question about it. "Mom," he started. "You're extremely generous with money. I understand why; we have the means to do so. Why is dad so much more conservative with money?"
"Well, it's rooted in our upbringings," she said. "When I was in Peru, my family was dirt poor. We didn't have the best furniture, the best home, but we still invited people over, because we had a lot of love to give. I wanted to have a better life for my family. A house that could meet its needs and still be filled with love."
Rei looked up at the sky as the two of them sat on the porch. The sun beginning to disappear as it painted the houses golden also caused the weather to cool down, the cooling concrete taking away heat ever so slightly from the underside of his legs. A couple of cars were parked on the side of the road. People that didn't live in the neighborhood didn't come by very often. Seeing as Shouto's neighborhood was a no outlet neighborhood, it was useless for them to do so.
Rei pointed at the cars lined up on the curb. "Back in Peru, we didn't go near parked cars," she said softly. Shouto tilted his head, waiting for her to explain. "It wasn't uncommon for cars to explode. Terrorists would rig cars and they would explode. Sometimes I would be walking with my friends and we heard a faint explosion and smoke rise. We would keep going because it was relatively common. It was a little scary, but at that point, we were used to it, we became numb to the fear."
Shouto imagined a scenario where he would be walking down the street and a car exploded because of terrorists. It would definitely make headlines all around, maybe national news depending on how many people got hurt. The thought irked him, yet his mother spoke about it so casually.
She waved her hand dismissively. "But I'm getting off-topic," she said. "Do you know how I was able to afford this home, this lifestyle?"
Shouto was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to answer, so he leaned in, waiting for an answer.
"I got lucky."
Shouto scrunched his nose, not sure if he fully agreed with his mother. "But... you worked extremely hard to get where you are."
"Yes, I worked hard, but there's so much more to it. Tell me, do you know how many people immigrate to this country a year in hopes of a better life?"
Shouto thought long and hard, not a hundred percent sure on what the correct answer was. "I don't know," he admitted.
"Millions," his mother stressed. "Millions of people come into this country, legally and illegally, in order to make a better life for themselves. They work hard, do everything they can, work for ten, twelve hours a day to make a living, get an education, work just as hard as I did. Do you know how many of those millions get in a similar position to us?"
Shouto shook his head. Rei had a weak smile on her face. "Not many," she said. "Have I ever told you the story of how I got a visa?"
Shouto shook his head, now extremely intrigued. With a soft smile, she looked to the other houses that lined the streets. "Back when I was married to my first husband, with your two half-siblings, I went to get a visa for three months here. I was going to travel across the country for different job interviews. I gave the woman the papers, she read them over, and she shook her head."
Shouto's eyes slightly widened, confused as to why they would deny him a visa. "She told me, 'No. I cannot give you a visa. You stated that your mother and sister live here. You will just stay with them after your visa expires.' And I was shocked, heartbroken, scared. I needed that visa."
Shouto leaned in even more, wanting to hear more and more of what his mother had to say. "And I looked at her, and I said, 'No, you're wrong.' I'll never forget the look of shock she had when I told her that. I said, 'I didn't have to tell you about my mother and sister. I could have lied and said I had no family here and you would have never known. I came to you an honest woman because I need these job interviews. I will not stay with my mother and sister. I have three reasons that I can't, and they are sitting in the waiting room right now. So please, may I have this visa?'"
Shouto was speechless, he wasn't sure what to say to that, knowing his mother argued her way into the country. He always knew that his mother had that type of drive, but he had no idea that something like that ever happened. "She looked at me with a confused and shocked face. She told me, 'This is highly irregular, I need to go speak to my manager'. She must have only been gone for five minutes, but those were some of the longest five minutes of my life. Finally, she came back. And she looked at me and said, 'Seventeen days. Your job interviews will span about seventeen days, that's all I'm giving you.' And she stamped my visa and handed it to me. I almost collapsed at that moment, but I got my visa. That was January 15th, 1991. Do you know what happened the next day?"
Shouto once again shook his head. "January 16th, 1991. The United States invaded Kuwait. Desert Storm. That day, all the embassies closed down for months, nobody could get visas," she said.
It made him extremely uneasy to hear about how his mother almost wasn't allowed in the country. He already knew that she was there illegally for a short amount of time. He knew that two of his sisters and his brother came to the country illegally. Because according to them, it was hard as hell to get into the country legally, it was their only option.
"So to go back to your original question," Rei said. "Our mindsets and upbringings are what makes your father and I think so much different about money. I feel like I got a lot of the money I have now by luck, making me feel like I can be generous because I was close to not having it, I know what it's like to not have it. Your father, on the other hand, grew up in a middle-class home and is now in the upper-middle class. He feels that he earned every cent of his, which makes him more hesitant to give it away. And there's nothing wrong with that. Just like political ideologies, there's nothing wrong with wanting to hold onto your finances as long as nobody is getting harmed in the process. Hard work, getting lucky, the two are polar opposites, but you'll see that in those less fortunate. They are willing to give away things to others in need because they know what it's like."
Shouto was not a huge fan of being touched, it was no secret after he had to spill a couple at the mental hospital, but one thing he loved was when his mother would ruffle his hair gently like she did when he was small. She raised her hand and hovered it towards Shouto, knowing now that he liked warning when someone was going to touch him. He scooted closer to his mother, leaning forward. With a smile, she ruffled his hair, making him feel safe.
You can find love anywhere, even in the psych ward.
Shouto remembers how surprised he was when Riku came to him and Tadao and told them that he had gotten in a relationship with Setsuna, a girl he had met in the psych ward. But he was happy for him nonetheless.
Setsuna was pretty cool. She was funny and outgoing. But Setsuna didn't have the best upbringing. In no way was Shouto upset with that or judged her for that, but it was different.
It made Shouto extremely uncomfortable when people brought up his family's wealth. It made him feel snobby, corrupt in an odd way.
So it was extremely different when he picked up Setsuna from her house the first time. She lived in a small, run-down home in a neighboring town that was known for low income and high crime. Shouto usually tried to avoid that area, it used to irk him. Her clothes were nothing special, her shoes were a little worn down, and she had to mess with the broken door in order to get it to lock.
She hopped in the car and said hello to everyone. They all went to the mall, walking around and just getting to know each other.
After a couple of times meeting, Shouto decided to have Setsuna over. Riku and Tadao would always sleep over and they would hang out in his basement. It was nice. There was a couch, a console with a TV that was a little older than Shouto, and a guest bedroom.
Shouto had no idea how to react when Setsuna first saw his house.
"Holy shit," she said as she walked in. "Your house is fucking huge. I forgot you lived in the rich town for a second."
Shouto didn't know what classified huge as huge, but he was pretty sure his house wasn't huge. It was nice and was definitely something that would house an upper-middle-class family and above, but it was not a mansion by any means. And yeah, there were neighborhoods with absolutely stunning houses, but the 'rich town' was a huge generalization. Most of the population was middle class and Shouto had a couple of friends who got free lunches at school.
But whatever the definition was didn't matter. What mattered was what the fuck was he supposed to say to that?
"Oh, thanks," he muttered.
Shouto and Tadao were seventeen. Riku was sixteen. Setsuna was fifteen. Shouto thought Setsuna was a good person, no doubt, but sometimes the only way he could describe her behavior was that she was fifteen.
Shouto led them all to the basement, where Setsuna was once again in awe. "Goddamn, even your basement is rich," she said.
Shouto could only let out an awkward laugh. Luckily, Setsuna got off the topic quickly.
The four of them got closer together each time they hung out. It was fun, it was nice.
Then Shouto and his friends got curious.
Shouto will admit, he always wondered what it was like to smoke weed, to drink, all that fun stuff teenagers in movies did. Shouto, Riku, and Tadao had never done any of that stuff, so when Setsuna revealed that she had easy access to all of that, they were intrigued.
The first was weed. Setsuna had to help Shouto out with the bong since he obviously had no idea what the fuck he was doing. She recommended two hits for each of them. Riku and Tadao were high enough after two. But by the time they were high, Shouto still felt nothing.
"Nothing?" She asked, mildly surprised. Shouto shook his head. She shrugged her shoulders. "Try two more."
Another ten minutes passed by. Setsuna was utterly shocked when Shouto once again reported he felt nothing. "Okay, maybe you just have a high tolerance. This might be a bad idea, but try taking five more hits."
A total of nine hits off of a bong. That was really what Setsuna had just recommended him. Fuck it, it couldn't kill him.
"Hold it in for as long as possible," she said. After each inhale, Shouto held his breath for thirty seconds. He inhaled as much as he possibly could too, holding most of it in his lungs. This was sure to work. After three minutes of hits, they began to wait.
They waited, waited, waited. After fifteen minutes had passed, Shouto simply shrugged his shoulders. "I guess it's just not for me," Shouto finally said. Setsuna took a few more hits as Shouto began searching the internet for possible causes.
"You're just built different," she chuckled.
Shouto immediately decided he despised the taste of alcohol.
It could definitely be because it was shitty gas station alcohol, but it was terrible nonetheless. He took a shot with Riku and Tadao, and then drank some Monster to get rid of the taste.
Shouto may not have been able to get high, but he could definitely get drunk. But it seemed like the God of teenage rebellion hated Shouto, because he also figured out that night that he had a high tolerance for someone his size.
Hell, he had even tried vaping before. And surprise surprise, it went horrendously. The God of partying and drugs and alcohol hated Shouto. He had taken maybe... three hits off the vape. He could hold it in, which was apparently impressive? Shouto didn't know, he wasn't a vape god. But a minute later he had an adverse reaction. He because extremely nauseous as a headache began its impending doom. The way his body ticked and seemed to try to rid itself of the drug was painful and so not fun. Shouto knew it was a blessing in a really poor disguise that he had that reaction. Because he had a terrible adverse reaction, he would never vape again and he wouldn't get addicted.
According to every chart he looked at, four or five shots would get him 'drunk' drunk, like making moderately terrible decisions drunk. That did not happen. He felt mildly tipsy. It took eight to get him drunk, meaning he had to taste even more of that fucking hand sanitizer.
But it worked. He got drunk and it was... fun? It was more fun than he expected but nothing fucking insane.
Drinking quickly became a part of hanging out. Riku and Tadao always slept over, but Shouto's parents made it clear very quickly that Setsuna would not.
"We don't have coed sleepovers in this house," his mother stressed. Shouto nodded, knowing there wasn't really anything he could do. The three of them were obviously disappointed, but you don't argue with the words of Dr. and Dr. Todoroki.
Setsuna wanted to drink with them and the three of them wanted that too. They would all drink and have fun and then they would take her home at eleven.
Or that was what would happen if they were stupid. They may be dumb teens, but they weren't stupid. Shouto immediately stepped up to be the designated driver. Shouto liked having control and he didn't mind having to hold off drinking.
This also quickly became routine.
Shouto didn't mind at first, but Friday night sleepovers went from something that he looked forward to something that annoyed him. Because every time it was the same.
They'd take out the alcohol, Shouto would take shots of monster energy because hey, it was funny in his eyes. The three of them would get drunk and Shouto would remain sober. It was fine at first, but it quickly went downhill.
Riku and Setsuna's relationship got stronger as most teenage relationships do. They would get drunk, Riku and Setsuna would start making out, and the two of them would lock themselves in the guest bedroom. Meanwhile, Tadao would immerse himself in a video on his phone or trying to shift or put in his headphones.
And Shouto was left to his own devices.
And once it got to 9:30, Shouto would try to gather everyone to get in the car to take Setsuna home. They had to be home by ten, with the newest pandemic taking over the world, the governor set a ten o'clock curfew for the state. Because of that, the town had cracked down on minor's curfew especially. And if you got pulled over after ten and you were under the age of eighteen, you were fucked. Shouto's mom made it very clear that she didn't want to be woken up by the police because her son was breaking the law.
So he tried to gather everyone up. Keyword being 'tried.'
It was agonizing. They kept getting distracted, trying to squeeze in one more minute, forgetting things, making last-minute decisions. Shouto felt bad because he was the bad guy. He had to become the bad guy when he snapped at them that they had to leave then. Because he would be damned if he got yelled at again because their drunk asses couldn't get their shoes on without getting distracted by something shiny.
Setsuna was dropped off, they came home, usually a minute after ten. Shouto would go upstairs and say goodnight. His parents would shit on him for being a minute late, but Shouto understood why. They had to lay down the law, if they were flexible, Shouto would keep bending and bending the rules until the police would follow Shouto home and knock on the door to lecture his parents about letting him out that late.
Then he would go back downstairs. He was home for the night, he could get drunk. He would take shots and talk with his friends.
Yeah, that lasted for a good 20 minutes.
After 20 minutes, Riku would go into the guest bedroom and get on a call with Setsuna until he fell asleep. Tadao would put in his headphones and fall asleep.
And Shouto was once again left to his own devices.
After a while, he voiced his frustrations. Tadao, being the only other one with a license, volunteered to be the designated driver.
That night, Tadao would not stop complaining.
Riku, Shouto, and Setsuna all took shots. And after half an hour, Tadao began complaining about how much he despised it. Shouto remembered Tadao turning to him that night.
"Shouto, could you please be designated driver from now on? I fucking hate this."
Shouto nodded his head. "Yeah, of course," he said. Because Tadao was miserable with that role. Shouto could bite the bullet, he'd survive.
Tadao drove Setsuna home, Riku locked himself in the bedroom to get on a call with her, and Shouto made sure he stayed up. He didn't want Tadao to be alone, he didn't want him to feel the same hollowness and misery he felt every Friday night.
Next week, Shouto was once again the designated driver. The cycle was back to normal and it stayed like that. It stayed like that for months. From November to February, every Friday was the same. Shouto began to dread Fridays, he hated babysitting his friends.
Shouto knew he played a role, he wasn't innocent whatsoever. As his resentment for those nights grew, his attitude changed. Shouto had never felt more alone when he was hanging with the three.
But luckily for him, he had reached out, Jirou had reached out, Shinsou had reached out. When the three of them would start drinking, Shouto would pick up his phone and text them. It was nice, he felt appreciated. He felt like he mattered again.
Shouto dug his own grave by doing that, he knew that. He was upset because he felt isolated those nights, but when he started texting the two of them in January, he only isolated himself more by being even less responsive in conversation in order to text his friends.
His friends were not a huge fan of that.
Shouto had a lot of trouble sleeping.
Online school was getting the best of him. Because his parents were in the medical field, he chose to go online rather than in person because he didn't want to bring the virus into his home. His parents couldn't afford to get sick, they needed to help those on ventilators.
It was so hard completing assignments. There were so many, they were piling up, it was painful. He would stay up until four in the morning working on assignments only to pass out at his desk until he had to be awake at seven. He could usually function on three hours of sleep well, but this was night after night. He had theater practice for hours, he couldn't skip, he played a big role.
And even if he did give up and decide to go to bed at midnight, he would be lucky to get sleep. He had such a hard time falling asleep. His mind kept wandering back to the thoughts of wanting to mutilate his skin. He couldn't stop thinking about making himself bleed. And god forbid he thought about his friends.
Because when he thought about his friends, he got scared.
No matter how frustrated he was with them, he still loved them and couldn't imagine a life without them. In all honesty, Shouto wasn't sure how safe he could keep himself if his friends were to say goodbye.
And yet he didn't know what to do. They were stuck in this cycle that left Shouto feeling utterly miserable. He needed to fix it, but he had no idea how.
And then Tadao got hurt.
Shouto told him not to hit the punching bag when he was drunk, but he went and did it anyway. And because Shouto was left to his own devices as he always was, he began to text Jirou. Shouto had dropped his role of babysitter for about seven minutes before it went to shit.
Tadao fell. Of course he did, he was drunk and shifting his balance a lot when hitting that punching bag. He fell on his arm. At first, he was fine. But then it got worse, it got swollen, it got pretty bad.
Riku and Setsuna stopped what they were doing to come out and help.
"We need to go to the hospital," Shouto said. "You can't sleep here without the proper brace, you'll be at high risk for damaging it further."
"No, I can't go to the hospital," Tadao said. The pain had most definitely sobered him up by that point.
"Tadao, I really think you should go to the hospital," Riku said.
"No, I hate casts and I just want this time without one," he reasoned.
"You might be in a cast for longer, it's not safe," Shouto said sternly.
"No, please, I—ow— I can't go to the hospital, if my parents found out I was drunk they'll kill me," Tadao said.
"We can leave out the alcohol easily," Riku reasoned. "You're sober enough, they're not gonna check your BAC, you'll be fine."
"I really don't think that we should force him to go to the hospital if he doesn't want to," Setsuna said.
"This isn't about what's wanted, it's about what's best," Shouto said. That earned him a weird look from Tadao.
"Yeah but, if it's scaring him—"
"Setsuna, please stop," Riku said sternly. Shouto was glad Riku said it before him, Shouto knew he wouldn't have been as kind. Because Shouto meant what he said: it didn't matter what Tadao wanted, going to the hospital to avoid further injury was best. Tadao was hurting himself judt by sitting there and moving his arms out of habit. It wasn't safe.
"Tadao—"
"I'm not going to the hospital," he replied with force.
Shouto felt bad. His best friend had just broken his arm. He was in pain, he was hurting. Tadao needed medical attention and was obviously having a terrible time. But Shouto didn't feel sympathy.
Shouto was mad.
The fact that he was angry in a situation like this scared him. He absolutely should not be angry right now. But he told him not to hit that bag and he was not refusing to— no, Shouto shouldn't be mad over this. But he was.
"Fine," Shouto said, no longer caring if his injury got worse. "But I'm wrapping that."
"Yeah, that's fine," Tadao said. Grabbing an ace bandage, he started right below the injury. Tadao winced and grunted and was in the verge of tears. It had to be tight, that was the way ace bandages functioned.
Shouto decided that Riku should stay with Tadao while Shouto took Setsuna home. Getting in the car, the ride was pretty silent. Shouto was filled with rage as everything from the past couple of months began building up.
As Setsuna got out of the car, she turned back to Shouto. "Hey, don't force him to go to the hospital, please. He's obviously scared."
"I won't. Goodnight, stay safe," Shouto said. Setsuna said her goodbyes as Shouto began to drive home, alone with his thoughts.
Once he got home, he sat down next to Tadao, who opted to lay on the couch. Riku went into the other room, already on a call with Setsuna.
Shouto didn't even want to drink. He didn't because what was the point? He was basically drinking alone. Occasionally, Tadao would say something as he looked at the screen, causing Shouto to reply. Tadao winced every once in a while, but Shouto couldn't really say anything.
Shouto felt his phone buzz, making him look down. He opened up his messages and opened the new one from Jirou.
Jirou: Shinsou and I are gonna watch the Twilight movies and make fun of them. Join. You have no choice gay boy
Shouto glanced over to the guest bedroom door that was now closed. He could hear Riku's muffled speech from time to time. He whispered Tadao's name, but he didn't respond.
Shouto weighed his options for about half a second before he came up with his answer. Getting his phone and charger, he stood up silently and headed up the stairs. He snuck into his room where he opened his laptop and got on the Discord server.
That night, Shouto had to hold a pillow over his mouth to muffle his uncontrollable laughter.
Shouto was notoriously terrible at reaching out for help.
He tended to make a joke out of it, make it awkward, or just scare people. This time, he decided to complain and hope that people would catch on because saying the words 'I need help' were the hardest words to say.
They were in the car and Shouto kept yawning. School was miserable. Online school was still kicking his ass and his inability to sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time along with the inability to fall asleep was taking a toll on him.
He fell asleep in government class, which seemed to be the worst for some reason. There were two others online and the rest were in person. The teacher would call on him and he wouldn't answer because he was asleep. He was so fucking exhausted from running on empty for two months. He fell asleep sitting at his desk and he would wake up and the class was usually over. He wasn't sure how to reach out because he knew why he wasn't sleeping. So much was going on in his head, his mind wouldn't let him sleep. His mind racing so he wouldn't fall asleep and the nightmares and anxiety would wake him up time after time.
But Shouto had no idea how to reach out. He couldn't just say his issues unprecedented, that was rude and made him look like he wanted attention. The words 'I need help' couldn't ever leave his mouth for some reason. So the only thing he could think of was leading them. It was stupid, but he felt as though he was not capable of any other way.
"I feel bad I keep falling asleep in government, I actually really like the class and the teacher," Shouto said. "But I'm just so fucking tired."
"How many hours of sleep are you getting each night?" Tadao asked.
"Like two or three."
"Dude, go to bed earlier," Riku said, almost a little bit of bite to his words.
Shouto really wanted to say no shit, but he didn't. So far his plan to let them know that he wasn't doing well wasn't working.
"Honestly I would if I could," Shouto sighed.
"Just get off your phone. Also, are you attending class in bed?"
"No, I fall asleep sitting at my desk."
"Honestly you really need to get more sleep. If you don't want to fall asleep in class, you should sleep at night," Riku said with a condescending tone. Shouto gritted his teeth, pretty pissed that he couldn't get the help he needed to get because he was terrible at expressing himself, but also that they were talking to him like he was fucking stupid.
Riku's attitude reminded him of the time he showed him an email of Shouto spilling a lot of things to his math teacher who he really trusted, he still remembered Riku's words vividly.
"Oh my god, why would you send this to her? Shouto, that was really stupid," he said.
Shouto had written a lot in that email, sometimes going into detail of the functioning in his mind. But most importantly, he wrote about how he wasn't okay. And he showed that to Riku and he got... mad at him?
But it felt like whenever he tried to reach out, he was met with condemnation and condescending, surface-level solutions that a toddler could come up with when there was so much more than Shouto was having a hard time telling them.
"But something has worked," Shouto said. "Last night, Jirou put on a movie and told me, 'I'll put on this movie and watch it with you. That way, you can have a distraction from your thoughts and you won't be alone. And when you fall asleep, I'll let the movie play until it ends and I'll end the call.' And it worked so much better than I expected. Last night, I had the best sleep I had in months."
Tadao grimaced as he held onto the steering wheel and looked for a parking place. "I'm not gonna lie, from all that you've told me, Jirou kinda seems like a jerk, I get bad vibes from her," Tadao said.
Shouto did not know how to react. That statement made him so fucking livid, that he genuinely didn't know what to say for a couple of seconds.
Because Jirou had only been in his life for a couple of months. Jirou had been talking to him night after night for hours on end while those two have been texting him less every week. Jirou had reached out and listened and helped Shouto with the problems he was having and tried to help him in any way she could. Jirou may have only been in Shouto's life for a couple of months, but she had been a better friend than his two supposed best friends in those months.
"You get bad vibes from everyone I talk to," Shouto snapped back bitterly.
"That's... not true at all but okay," Tadao replied.
It was true. The last two people that came into Shouto's life, Tadao didn't like. Shouto's most recent ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriend were not people that he liked for some reason. And after it didn't work out, Tadao would flaunt how his intuition was right. But his intuition was completely wrong because Shouto was still friends with and talked occasionally with his exes. They may have broken up for a reason, but they dated for a reason too. They were good people and Shouto was happy to text them every once in a while.
Shouto decided to let it go. Tadao looked like he was waiting for an apology. But Shouto was angry and petty. He wouldn't apologize for his bitterness until Tadao apologized for insulting his best friend.
Neither of those things happened that day.
At first, things with Setsuna were awkward in a funny way.
Because of past experiences, Shouto hated it when people of the opposite sex walked closely behind him. He despised it and would sometimes go out of his way to let a group of teenage hooligans go in front of them because the thought of having all of them behind him terrified him.
Because of past experiences, Setsuna hated it when people walked behind her. She would usually stick by a wall, Shouto noticed. The only reason she didn't was because Riku and Tadao didn't stick to walls, so she would reluctantly go next to them without a word. She would glance behind her from time to time in order to see if anyone was close behind her when they were at the mall.
Already, a problem had presented itself.
Shouto knew that Setsuna was a good person. She was kind and caring to them and never did anything that would lead Shouto to believe that she would sexually assault him. But that didn't matter to Shouto's anxious mind. She was still of the opposite sex, she was still a threat.
Setsuna knew that Shouto was a good person. Shouto would try his best to make sure she felt safe, allowing him to be close to a wall with him, letting her know he had a knife on him when he did, making sure she knew she was safe in crowded places. But that didn't matter to Setsuna's anxious mind. He was still someone she didn't know well, he was still a threat.
The first time it had happened was walking through the mall. Of course, you can only walk in a line of four for so long before you have to move for other people. And that was when they realized their dilemma. Shouto immediately noticed when Setsuna slowed her steps so the three of them were in front. Shouto stopped walking altogether to turn back to Setsuna. She gestured for him to keep walking, and then Shouto didn't.
"No, go ahead," she said with a smile.
"No, no, it's okay," Shouto replied. "Your boyfriend is up there, it doesn't bother me."
"Trust me it doesn't bother me," Setsuna replied.
Neither wanting to reveal the real reason for gesturing the other to go ahead, they went on this little back and forth of 'I insist'. Riku and Tadao had walked back to them, seeing that they weren't following anymore. The two of them already knew of Shouto's fear, so they gestured Setsuna forward.
She held out her hand, to which Riku grabbed onto it and tried to pull her forward and she didn't budge. "I don't like people walking behind me," she admitted.
The two guys looked to Shouto, who now realized his dilemma. "Uh, I don't like when girls walk behind me," he said.
After a bit of talking, they came to the resolve that if they had to move over, Riku and Tadao would be next to each other in the front, and Shouto and Setsuna would be together in the back.
But it became another issue with doors.
There was always an awkward standoff when there was a door. The two of them calculated the size of the door, seeing if they could both go in. Those sliding doors that were huge were no problem. But regular-sized doors? Oh god, it was honestly hilarious to both of them at that point. They both knew their fears had become mildly ridiculous with all the issues they began causing, but that didn't exactly make them go away. After all, they both understood, it wasn't like they were upset with each other for it.
After a couple of awkward attempts, their resolve was they would take turns going first, the person going first would walk backward. It was really stupid, both of them being too scared of the other behind them, but that was how it was.
But after a couple of months of getting to know each other. Shouto told people to back off when they got too close to Setsuna and he would make an effort to make sure nobody was behind him. Setsuna would reassure Shouto when he needed it and was literally guarding Shouto when Shouto was paranoid his abuser was nearby, it was a small town after all. Shouto will never forget how ready Setsuna was to pummel her if she saw that scum.
The final push for true trust in Shouto's eyes was when they went through a small door. It was Setsuna's turn to walk in first. She walked through the door and kept her back to Shouto the entire time.
After that, the two of them could walk through doors normally and even rely on each other for protection and awareness.
It was no secret that Tadao liked Riku more than Shouto.
While for the longest time Tadao tried to say that wasn't true, it was painfully obvious. Even one night when Shouto and Setsuna were talking, she pointed out that Shouto seemed to be the third wheel in the friend group.
Shouto remembered that night vividly, he was in so much pain because he felt like he was once again being treated like he was a fucking idiot who didn't know how to solve basic problems when he just wanted someone to listen. But he didn't get what he wanted and that was really whatever. But when Riku and Tadao got mad at him for being upset that he was spoken to in a condescending manner rather than just being heard, that was when it really hurt. Shouto let out just about everything that night.
Setsuna tried to reassure him that no, it wasn't like that, and maybe Shouto was hurt and seeing things through muddy lenses. But as Shouto went on with what he observed, what was said, what they both knew, he rendered Setsuna silent.
"Shit, now you got me thinking that they're treating you like shit," she said.
Shouto immediately went back on his words. He didn't want to try to convince Setsuna that her boyfriend was an asshole. Because he wasn't. Riku and Tadao weren't assholes and Shouto would defend them until the day he died. They were his best friends.
But right then, he was upset.
He apologized to Riku and Tadao the next morning. Riku was the first to reply. Shouto loves Riku with all of his heart, but his reply frustrated him. He gave a genuine apology, and Shouto deeply appreciated it. But as the apology continued, it once again started to turn into what Riku thought Shouto should do. It turned into him telling Shouto things he already knew, simple things. Shouto felt like Riku thought he was stupid, even after being very clear about the reason for his outburst, nothing seemed to change there.
He figured that he would just need to give it time.
Tadao didn't say anything until he was forced to.
Shouto knew he saw the text, there was no way he couldn't have. So Shouto texted Riku, knowing that the two of them were hanging out. Was it petty? Probably, but he needed to hear anything, he hated this silent treatment.
Riku talked to Tadao, who immediately sent a reply. If Shouto had to take a guess, the reply was probably 15 words. Tadao accepted Shouto's apology, throwing in a quick 'sorry you didn't understand what I meant.' Not his exact words, but what his apology implied.
Shouto knew it was nothing more than a safeguard. He knew Tadao only threw it in so if Shouto ever brought it up again, Shouto couldn't claim that Tadao never apologized. But he didn't, because that wasn't an apology, they were both fully aware. The only reason for the text was because Shouto decided to get Riku involved.
Shouto remembered vividly the very beginning of sophomore year.
Riku suggested that the three of them make a circle on Life 360. Shouto was pretty sure his reasoning was that if one of them got kidnapped they could find each other. It wasn't the best reasoning but Shouto didn't mind at all.
Late junior year, he began to mind a lot.
His parents had also put a Life 360 circle on him, so every person close to him knew his whereabouts at all times. But the only reason that Shouto's family circle was important to the story is that it existed and both circles were connected to the same account.
Life 360 quickly turned into something that was just mildly annoying because of his parents to someone that would cause him to shut down or just lose it altogether. Shouto knew he was responsible, he was the one who opened the app, but it was the call of the void. The need to know. Shouto always had an issue with control. He hated not being in control at all times. He just needed control, and every day it slowly slipped from his grasp. Knowing where Riku and Tadao were was a way of control.
But it was the sharpest double-edged sword he had ever had.
Shouto knew that Tadao drove Riku home every day after school. It made sense, Shouto left early because his last period was a study hall, it was nice. Since the two of them were still in school, Tadao took Riku home.
At first, Shouto would open the app to see if his parents were on their way home from work. But God hated Shouto because the circle with Riku and Tadao would always show up first.
School had gotten out 45 minutes ago and Tadao was still at Riku's house. No big deal, they were friends, they could hang out. They weren't obligated to invite Shouto and he wasn't really upset that they didn't.
The next day, Shouto wanted to know if Enji was on his way home. He instead learned that Riku and Tadao were hanging out. Shouto didn't mind, they had every right to hang out with each other. They weren't contractually obligated to hang out with Shouto all the time, even though Shouto always tried to include everyone so nobody felt left out.
It happened the next day.
And the next.
And the next.
And the next.
Most days when school got out, the two would hang out. It hurt a little, but once again, Shouto knew they had every right two. They might have been his two best friends, but they were friends with each other too.
He noticed it began to happen on weekends too.
Since Enji got absolutely livid with Shouto over his grades (swearing, yelling, all that fun stuff), he wasn't allowed to have Riku and Tadao sleepover. But Shouto still made an effort to hang out with them. He wanted to hang out with them.
It just kinda sucked that they didn't want to hang out with him. He would invite them to hang out, they would, and then they would have a sleepover with each other. Shouto would be lying if he said that didn't hurt. But Shouto stayed silent because sleepovers were important and he knew that just because he could have them didn't mean that the two of them weren't allowed to have fun.
They soon figured out that Riku's parents didn't care if they drank alcohol. Though Tadao would most likely deny it, the timing would have just been too perfect to not be suspicious. When Shouto got ungrounded, things weren't the same.
Tadao wasn't happy, that much was obvious. But the first time they could have a sleepover again, the three of them went to dinner and talked.
The three of them talked for a long time. They talked about how things were off and what they could do to fix them. Shouto called out all his faults, everything he had ever done. He tried so goddamn hard not to make an excuse, not even once.
He was just so happy that he could talk things out after trying to for so long. Especially with Tadao.
First, he tried bringing it up at school. Shouto should've known that could only flop because school was not the place for that type of conversation to thrive.
Shouto fully blamed The Great Gatsby.
His English teacher went on and on about the book and its meaning and colors and lessons about trying to revive what has been dead for years.
He was too focused on planning his apology to listen.
Shouto then texted Tadao asking to call on the phone. Shouto knew it was something that needed to be spoken about. On Monday, he asked to call. Tadao said he would tomorrow. On Tuesday, Shouto asked. Tadao said Thursday. On Thursday, Shouto tried to call. Tadao simply said that he wouldn't get on the phone with him.
His third plan was to talk during a sleepover. The three of them get drunk, be honest, talk it out.
Then Shouto got grounded.
So he was elated to finally talk it out over dinner. Shouto took the blame, talked, communicated as well as he could. Riku and Tadao really felt like they did their part. It was a good conversation. Riku made some apologies, Tadao apologized here and there, and Shouto owned up to his hundred of faults.
That night, for the first time in a while, he felt hopeful.
That hope was short-lived.
Shouto continued to make plans with his friends, a few of them fell through, but it finally felt like things were going back to normal.
Shouto began walking on eggshells, especially around Tadao. Because there were obviously more issues between the two of them than Shouto and Riku. Shouto monitored his every word, every syllable, making the choice to uplift Tadao and compliment him out of nowhere just so he knew how much Shouto cared about him. Shouto didn't like he had monitored himself more in his life.
But things didn't go back to normal.
Shouto decided to run an experiment.
He decided he wasn't going to make plans with Riku and Tadao to see if they would still hang out if Shouto didn't initiate it.
He hadn't hung out with them in two and a half weeks.
Shouto would be lying if he said he wasn't upset. Things were supposed to change and go back to normal, but they didn't. He kept getting the Life 360 notifications that Tadao went to Riku's house.
He turned off those notifications.
Shouto remembered the day that Momo came waltzing up to him with a purpose. Shouto wasn't great friends with her, but they hung out every once in a while. Not often though, because all Shouto needed was Riku and Tadao.
"Hey, Todoroki," she smiled. "Have you met Midoriya?"
Shouto raised an eyebrow. "I don't think I have," Shouto replied.
"Great! Because he's friends with Ochako and he's also single and he's..." Momo proved her point by flicking her hand.
"You can just say he's gay," Shouto said.
"Yeah I know, but that's more fun," she smiled. "But anyway, you guys should totally meet! He's single, you're single, it's basically fate."
"Just because we're both gay doesn't mean we're meant for each other," Shouto reminded.
Momo showed Shouto a photo of the person in question from his Instagram. "He's cute," Shouto admitted.
"Here, I'll send you his social media," Momo smiled.
Shouto decided why not, he really needed new friends.
But after two weeks of talking, he knew Momo would never let him live down the fact that they hit it off immediately.
They were dating within the month and Shouto really loved kissing him on the middle school playground in the dead of night.
Shouto just missed his friends. He missed the way things used to be. It hurt so bad. Shouto felt like he was going to slip into a psychotic episode.
He needed a distraction.
He texted the group chat, asking if the two of them wanted to hang out.
Tadao never replied.
About 20 minutes later, Riku apologized, saying he couldn't at the moment. Shouto's curiosity immediately got the best of him.
Opening up that stupid app, he saw them hanging out together.
Shouto remembered how he heard himself snap. He could feel something snap inside of him. He wasn't angry, he wasn't sad, he wasn't in anguish, he didn't feel any sort of negative emotion.
He felt like he was losing his goddamn mind.
Shouto's mind felt like neon. He felt like his being was a glitchcore aesthetic and like his mind and thoughts were ten feet behind him. Nobody was home, he didn't have to hold back.
He paced around the house, laughing maniacally and screaming through his tears. He hadn't told a single soul about the pain that he was going through, the only exception being Natsuo who he gave the slightest hints that something was wrong. Because when he was hurt in a friendship, he went to Riku and Tadao. Oh, the irony there.
When Shouto began to lose his mind, he almost felt like God. Like he couldn't die and if anything bad were to happen to him, it was because he wanted it to happen. He could only get hurt if he wanted to. Something in Shouto told him that was fucking stupid and unrealistic but he couldn't hear it in those moments. Because those words hurt, and Shouto couldn't get hurt right then.
It was this house. The house where he saw the memories of the three of them. He clearly saw the three of them hanging out in different areas. It wasn't his imagination, they were really in his house, doing things that they had already done. He could hear them clear as day. Not memories, it was them, he was sure of it.
The voices of other people he hadn't even heard before began to voice their opinions. Shouto knew he should have been scared of what they were saying, but he wasn't. He was most concerned when he began to agree with their twisted ideas he couldn't even think about repeating.
The house was the problem. The town was the problem. It was tainted with what once was, he needed to get out of there.
Shouto's vision was mildly fucked. His vision had static coming out of the corners and he could see the feeling of pins and needles somehow. The colors were brighter, some of the colors he was sure didn't exist before.
Shouto knew he shouldn't drive. Shouto was telling himself that as he got into the car and starting the engine. He looked down at his phone as it hooked up to the Bluetooth automatically. A purple app caught his attention.
He promptly deleted Life360 and went out of the driveway.
Shouto had no idea where he was going. He just knew he needed to get out of there. He decided to go North. There wasn't anything special there, but it wasn't his hometown, so it was better than staying there. His vision was still skewed as his head reeled with thoughts and voiced and ungodly noises. It was so fucking loud and the music never seemed loud enough.
He was out for 45 minutes before he decided to text Setsuna. He simply said 'I'm coming to pick you up. I'll be there in ten minutes.' And in ten minutes, Setsuna willingly got into the car with Shouto.
As Shouto started driving, Setsuna immediately knew something was off. Shouto laughed maniacally as he kept saying something that he couldn't remember, he just knew it made no sense. Every once in a while, he would scream. Just scream for seven seconds until his throat couldn't handle his own misery anymore.
He remembered the way Setsuna laughed with the most relaxed groan. "Bro I am way too high for this," she said. Shouto didn't mind, that was alright with him, made things fun.
He was definitely speeding on the highway, Setsuna noticed after a while. "Am I gonna die here with you? Like it's totally cool if you crash and kill us but give me a heads up," she said. Setsuna shouldn't have said because it started a chain reaction in Shouto's mind that he couldn't control. Shouto laughed even more at the thought, not even realizing he was speeding up until Setsuna spoke up again. "Yo, I said give me a heads up!"
Setsuna's panic dragged Shouto back to reality for a second. He decided to slow down so he was no longer going 30 miles per hour over the speed limit. Shouto decided to park the car, his vision was too messed up to keep driving and he almost hit another car at least six times.
"So why'd you pick me up? What's Riku and Tadao up to?" She asked. Shouto tried to steady his breathing as he stared straight ahead.
"I couldn't give less of a shit what they're doing," Shouto said.
"Damn, falling out?"
"I don't know. I know you and I talked a while ago about how we don't really fit in. I told you my story, you told me yours, we're similar in that regard. We try so hard to fit in with our friends and we try too hard to be there and we don't get anything in return," Shouto said.
Shouto looked down at his lap, what felt like a painful reality washing over him. Shouto turned to Setsuna, looking her dead in the eye.
"There's no hope for people like you and me."
Setsuna gave him the weirdest look. "Bro are you okay?" She asked. She took a quick hit off her dab pen and blew it out the window.
"I'm tired of giving it my everything and not getting anything in return. I'm fucking miserable and I hate this. I've been telling myself it's fine and that I need to give it time and that it doesn't bother me for months. I can't take it anymore!"
"I said it before, I'll say it again: I am way too high for this," she laughed. In an odd way, Setsuna being high made him feel better.
He soon took Setsuna home, he drove away in silence. It wasn't his house, it wasn't the town. It was the entire state.
His vision wasn't as terrible, but he should have probably still not have been driving when he got on the highway and began to go to the next state over. But it was fine because he couldn't get hurt, he was basically God. He needed to get away from the memories that were coming to life, the voices that followed him.
Shouto finally stopped at a small locally owned shop. He was so... tired. He felt like every drop of life had been sucked out of him. Just 45 minutes ago, he felt like he was God and losing his mind and hearing things and seeing memories and planning on going out with a bang. But now, everything was quiet. His mind tried to reel, but he was too tired to form a thought. Dull, muted colors flashed here and there. It was a pathetic attempt at being the flashes and bright colors that were in Shouto's vision an hour ago.
He was still shaking, but it brought him an odd sense of comfort holding onto his iced coffee, seeing the liquid shake in the plastic cup because his hand refused to stay still.
He finally noticed his phone buzzing.
He picked it up to be met with a pissed Enji.
"Where the hell are you? Why did you turn off your location?" Enji asked.
"I don't know where I am," Shouto admitted. "A little coffee shop. And I deleted Life 360."
"Why?"
"I didn't like it."
"I've been trying to get a hold of you for 45 minutes. If you don't come home right now, I'll have to call the police," Enji threatened. Ah yes, the last thing that Shouto wanted to do right now was talk to toddlers with guns.
"Alright, but it'll probably be a little under an hour just because I'm far out," Shouto muttered, leaving $5 in the little jar on the counter.
"That's fine, just get home in one piece," Enji requested.
Shouto did what he was told. He went back into the state, back into the town, back into his home.
When he walked through the door, both of his parents were staring at him, ready to lecture him and drill him on what the hell he had just done. But the look on Shouto's face must have caught them by surprise because their expressions softened the second he made eye contact with them.
"Sorry for worrying you," Shouto said, the defeat in his words sounding pathetic. His parents looked at each other as if trying to figure out how to reword their entire lecture. Which Shouto desperately wanted them to. If he got yelled at, he would definitely snap and go straight back out of the house.
"We're glad you're home safe," Enji finally said.
"We love you, please turn on your location when you get the chance. No rush," Rei said softly.
Shouto couldn't bring himself to smile, but he hoped his message got across. "Thanks," he muttered as he walked up the stairs and into his room.
A half-hour later, Enji came into his room and set some food from his favorite Chinese place on his nightstand.
"Do you still want to be my friend," Riku asked sheepishly.
"Of course," Shouto replied. "Do you still want to be my friend?"
"Yes, I love you," Riku stressed.
There was a long silence before Shouto spoke up.
"Does Tadao still want to be my friend?" He asked. Riku grimaced and thought for a while.
"I don't know."
Meeting Izuku's friends was an adventure.
They were energetic and all over the place and all smiles. Shouto was easily able to identify why they were friends, they all matched each other's energy and love for one another. But most importantly, they were kind and welcomed Shouto with open arms.
He began to hang out with Izuku on the regular. Izuku allowed Shouto to take him to a small little crystal shop half an hour out and to a small retro diner across the street. Shouto followed Izuku's directions to a frozen yogurt place as the two of them had fun in the cool spring weather, the late evening sky turning purple.
He and Jirou would regularly get on a call and play Minecraft or watch movies together and laugh at obnoxiously late hours.
Shouto began talking to his online friends more. Shouto texted old friends that he hadn't talked to in a while.
Throughout all of it, he felt happy and at home.
The school let juniors and seniors out early for prom night. The three of them planned to go together with each other a long while ago.
Shouto was beginning to wonder why he agreed to it. He didn't even like parties.
But when he got out, the realization hit him again. The realization that everything was changing and that no matter how hard he tried, nothing was going back to the way it once was. He was sitting in the Walmart parking lot crying when he called his mother.
They talked for a long while. Shouto finally telling her everything that had been going on. He could barely remember what they talked about, but one thing stuck with him.
"You know you have to talk to them," she said. "Obviously not now, there's too much on the line. Wait until after prom and talk about it. Be honest, be kind, be open."
"I don't want to go," Shouto admitted. "I hate parties, I'm not going to have fun and I would much rather just go up north and see Natsuo."
"The day of prom is not the day to decide whether or not you're going to prom," she said. "And you made a commitment to your friends, your family, and yourself. You're going."
"Okay, fine," Shouto finally said.
Riku and Tadao drove together. Shouto was told that it was best that he drive separately. Once again, Shouto would be lying if he said it didn't hurt, but now was not the time to talk about that. He knew he should talk about it afterward.
Iida was sitting at the table with Riku and Tadao. Shouto was sad that Izuku had family commitments, but he wasn't distraught. Every once in a while, Izuku sent Shouto videos of his little cousins doing stupid shit and his grandmother saying sassy and funny shit. He texted him sporadically throughout the night, missing him dearly.
Riku and Tadao stuck to each other like long-term capitalism stuck to failure: inseparable. Shouto was simply a background character that night. He tried to be in the group of people he was supposed to go with, but it was hard when it was painfully obvious that Tadao was actively pushing him away. Conversation flopped because Tadao didn't uphold it, everything felt awkward, so Shouto decided he was going to talk with other people.
He went around to groups of people he was aquatinted with, talking and laughing and having a good time.
But what surprised him most was talking with Tetsutetsu
Tetsutetsu and Shouto despised each other in elementary school. They called each other names, spread lies, every stupid thing that six to eleven-year-olds did. Middle school was not the best in regards to their relationship either. They got on each other's nerves and actively avoided each other.
So when the two of them were outside and they began talking, it took Shouto by surprise just how well they got along.
They caught up, each of them going over important things in their life, they laughed at their elementary school selves, they even got political and bounced ideas off of each other nonstop. Soon, some of Shouto's old friends that he pushed away in the past because he felt like all he truly needed was Riku and Tadao joined the conversation.
He felt more at home with Tetsutetsu and the others than he felt with Riku and Tadao in months.
When the night ended, Shouto couldn't say for sure whether or not he was glad he went. It was very mixed.
Shouto decided not to drive because he simply didn't want to. As Shouto, Riku, and Tadao walked out the door, Shouto made one request.
"Hey, can you guys wait for me until my dad gets here?" Shouto asked.
"Of course!" Riku said immediately.
"Yeah, sure," Tadao said.
They waited with Shouto for about thirty seconds before they changed their minds.
Tadao began to complain about how his feet hurt and he wanted to go to the car and sit down. Riku grimaced as he glanced at Tadao. Shouto remembered the way his heart broke when Riku spoke to him.
"Sorry, Tadao's feet hurt. Is it okay if we go?"
That hurt. Shouto had been breaking his back to keep this friendship between him and Tadao intact. Walking on eggshells, uplifting him at random points, checking up on him, doing him any favor he asked for. And he couldn't even stand with Shouto for five minutes.
"No, that's totally alright," Shouto reassured.
"Okay, cool, see ya!" Riku said as they walked off.
"Bye," Tadao said.
"See you guys," Shouto smiled. Once they got out of view, he felt a rock in his chest as he sat out the entrance of the venue alone, the wind getting a little bitter at times.
People walked out from time to time, laughing and talking, but Shouto would never forget when Eijirou walked out.
He had a couple of classes with Eijirou, but he never really talked with him a lot. Shouto gave him homework answers once or twice, but he was popular and hung out with popular people. Popular like Shouto never could be. But Eijirou was popular for a reason, he was a really kind person and always had a smile.
Eijirou walked out the door with a group of seven other people. After laughing and hugging someone, his gaze wandered to Shouto as he leaned against the wall all alone.
"Hey Todoroki, I meant to tell you earlier: your outfit is amazing," Eijirou smiled.
"Thanks, yours is too," Shouto said softly.
"Aw, thanks man," he smiled. "Hey, do you have a ride? We don't really have an extra seat but Sero's car is pretty big, so if you're okay with being a little squished we can totally give you a ride home."
Shouto shook his head. "That's alright, my dad is on the way," Shouto reassured.
"Oh, that's good. Hey, if you want, we call all wait with you until he gets here," he offered.
Eijirou was ready to stop all eight of his friends in order to make sure Shouto was safe and keep him company.
"No it's okay, he's only a few minutes out. But it was nice seeing you guys," Shouto said.
"If you're sure," Eijirou said. "It was nice seeing you too. Be safe!"
"Thanks, you too," Shouto said as the eight of them waved goodbye to him.
Shouto had to hold back tears at the fact that eight people he barely talked to offered him more than his best friends did that night.
Shouto finally brought himself to leave his friend's Life 360 circle.
Shouto was sick and tired of playing guessing games.
He barely hung out with his best friends in weeks and he hated being in the dark.
He decided to text Riku first. Riku would definitely have a better response. He gave a simple 'hey, if you guys don't want to be my friend anymore that's cool. But I just want you to be upfront about it.' That should get a conversation kicked off. Because it was true, he just wanted them to be upfront.
Riku gave a simple, 'it's just Tadao, I still want to be your friend.'
Shouto figured, but he needed the reassurance. He kicked off the conversation with Tadao with 'hey, why haven't we talked about this?'.
Then Shouto was immediately on the defense.
Tadao said that he tried to talk about it but every time he did, Shouto got aggressive.
Shouto remembered trying to initiate a conversation only to get shut down. They didn't really talk about it after that night at dinner.
Tadao said that ever since Shouto came back from the mental hospital, he changed.
Shouto didn't know he had to stay the same.
Tadao said that Shouto was a complete asshole to him and that he was sick and tired of it.
Shouto thought that had been established multiple times.
Tadao said that even after that dinner, Shouto was a prick to him.
Shouto knew that after that dinner, he was skating on thin ice and he made sure that not even his exhales were negative. It was embarrassing how much he thought about his every word.
Tadao let out accusation after accusation, throwing shit Shouto's way as he just stood there. It was difficult to hear all these hurtful claims that Shouto definitely knew were skewed. It was difficult to hear so many accusations, some of which he was positive wasn't true. It was difficult for everything to once again be placed on him, while Tadao painted himself as innocent.
So do you know what Shouto did?
He apologized for everything. He apologized for things he had done, for things he had already apologized for, for things that he didn't do, for things that he had no control over, for things that other people had done. Because he didn't care what accusations were being thrown his way or their validity, he just wanted everything to be okay so fucking badly. That was always his mistake, he threw himself in the line of fire and didn't truly ever hold anyone else accountable for when he felt hurt. And he knew that was what caused the resentment that he held onto long enough to write a 14,000-word essay (that was most definitely misconstrued to some extent because Shouto still felt a little hurt) on how everything went down in his eyes.
But that wasn't enough. Tadao kept telling Shouto that he was done and wanted nothing to do with him.
Even though everything had been resolved, all of it said and done, Shouto monitoring every time he opened his mouth, most definitely talked about before and not repeated, Tadao was still talking about it.
Tadao never highly valued Shouto's friendship, especially compared to Riku's, that much was obvious.
But as he stated earlier in his (most likely petty) essay, it was really the perfect coincidence that Tadao firmly began distancing himself from Shouto the second that they found out they could get high and drunk at Riku's. Shouto was no longer needed. And everything that was happening now was Tadao's out. He finally had a reason to end the friendship and he was running with it.
But Shouto hated change. He had built his life around these two. He couldn't stand the thought of not having those two in his life. So at that moment, he did everything in his power to keep it together.
He might have been miserable, but it was better than being alone.
The two of them came up with an agreement. Shouto made a long list of all his faults and how he would change himself and sent it to Riku and Tadao. Their comprise was Tadao would give Shouto another chance if he created that list and stuck by it.
Shouto was too nauseous to sleep that night.
A week had passed by. Shouto tried to make plans, but Tadao backed out. That was fine, he probably had a good reason, he would let Tadao text him when he was next available instead of annoying him about it. Tadao didn't try to make plans again.
Shouto found himself talking to Iida. The two of them had always bonded over being the least favorite in the friend group. When Shouto told Iida what was going on, he seemed worried. When Shouto brought up the list, he was visibly concerned.
"Shouto, that's not healthy," Iida said. Shouto knew it probably wasn't deep down, but he didn't really care.
"I know, but it's better than being alone," Shouto replied.
"You wouldn't be alone. You have me, Jirou, Midoriya. You can build outside your trio. You're allowed to have other friends," Iida said. "People change, people drift apart. Some people are there for a phase, some people for many phases, some forever."
"Yeah, all good things end," Shouto chuckles pathetically. "I don't know what in my mind made me think this would be different."
"I wouldn't say that. Good things don't end, they change. A relationship ending changes into a new one forming. It's not that good things end or something depressing like that, it's that life is impermanent and so are we. We have to adapt to our environment and the people around us. So maybe your trio doesn't last, that would be sad and you're allowed to be sad. In order to survive, we create what is best for us with what we have. Shouto, I think you're allowed to think about yourself here. You're allowed to take into account how this is impacting you and change what you need to in order to be healthy. It's going to be hard, but you have people who are here to support you no matter what."
"I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up," Shouto admitted. He scoffed, looking at the ground. "I mean, now that I'm telling you everything and looking at the big picture, I'm realizing every factor that played into this and not what was just bothering the most at the moment. For the longest time, I've been telling myself that I'm holding on to keep what we have, but now I'm starting to think I'm holding on because of what we had. I don't think it's ever coming back."
"Well, if I can take a quote from our favorite book for class, The Great Gatsby, 'you can't recreate the past.' But maybe, you can create a better future," Iida said.
"Yeah, maybe," Shouto muttered.
That was the last day he thought about trying to uphold his friendship with Tadao.
Tadao had hoped to go to a convention with the three of them, planning it back in January.
Shouto hadn't heard a single thing about those plans even though he was excited to go.
Shouto had been picking up a lot of hours at work. It was a good distraction from the fact that he wasn't really hanging out with friends as much as he used to be and it got him money that he put towards buying a plane ticket to see Jirou in the future.
He had almost forgotten about the convention, remembering the second day out of the five-day convention. He woke up at nine and thought about it. He didn't work that day, and the other three days of the convention he was working for seven hours each so he couldn't really go then.
Shouto wasn't prepared to go to the convention that day. And that was what made running around the house and getting ready all the more fun. He shot his parents a quick text saying that he was going to drive on the highway for two hours to go to a large open convention full of complete strangers alone. They weren't too happy, but somehow they let him go as long as he was home by nine.
And thus, he was on his way.
When he got there, he was alone. Groups of people talking and having fun while he was all alone.
It made it so much easier to jump from group to group, meeting so many fun people and hanging out with people with common interests, sporadically going to whichever panel he wanted to without being held back, feeling like he was among people just like him.
Shouto had so much fun.
Shouto had never been good at verbally expressing his emotions and his therapist loved to remind him of this whenever he would bring up his writing compared to things he would actually say.
Because the entire ride, he was practically alone. The people who he usually confided in were those that he felt he couldn't talk to and he had spent years convincing himself that he didn't need anyone else.
But he loved running around the town and doing stupid things with Izuku.
He loved talking with Iida and having the best conversations and jokes ranging from college to politics.
He loved getting coffee with Tetsutetsu and learning things he had never known.
He loved inviting Momo over to watch anime and play video games.
He loved late nights with Jirou where he would have to cackle into a pillow because his obnoxious laughter would wake up his parents.
He loved reaching out to old friends he had pushed away, making plans with people just because he could.
And though Tadao may be gone, Riku still wanted to be Shouto's friend, and he was so happy to have him around because Shouto truly believed that he did care.
Everything seemed so different. There was no longer a trio, and Shouto seemed to have so many more people to smile with. Because Iida was one of the smartest people that Shouto knew. And now, Shouto knew he was right.
Good things don't end, they change.