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Emily had made the conscious and totally logical decision to raid her hotel room’s minibar tonight. Less in celebration and more in relief that this week’s case was finally over. Not that it’d ever really be out of her head. She knew the girl’s lifeless eyes would be in her dreams tonight. Hopefully with enough vodka she could drown it out and have a semi-restful, dreamless sleep.
Emily was good at compartmentalizing. She’d seen lots of horrible things over the years and had gotten worryingly good at shoving her emotions so far down that they barely registered at all anymore. Maybe that was the way it was supposed to be. Numb. It sure as hell beat whatever the fuck she was feeling right now.
She ignored the way her hands shook as she grabbed a bottle of vodka from the mini fridge. Her mind was going a mile a minute, replaying everything that went wrong. She should’ve known the unsub was armed; should’ve reacted faster. She’d never felt as useless as she did then, clawing at her own clothes, ripping off what she could to help stop the bleeding except it wouldn’t stop. It wouldn’t stop bleeding. If she thought back to the beginning of that night, she could pinpoint the exact moment things started going wrong. From the team getting split up to the flaws in the profile to the unexpected change in location. Emily’s brain was like her own personal greatest hits show except it was all fear and blood and death and –
Sitting down in front of the mini fridge, she unscrewed the top of the bottle and only hesitated for a second before she downed the liquid. She winced as it burned in her throat on the way down, settling in her stomach. She knew drinking wasn’t the healthiest way to cope, but then again, she wasn’t the healthiest person. And tonight called for special circumstances.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her hotel room door.
Emily glanced at the clock and saw 1:40 AM flashing back at her in a particularly aggressive shade of red. It was pretty late. What could possibly be going on now?
Vaguely aware of the fact that she was only in an old tank top and shorts with a hole in the butt, she pushed herself off the ground and walked towards the door. She flung the door open, prepared to send off whoever it was with maybe a bit too much vitriol, but when she saw the blonde standing there, her mind was immediately put at ease.
“Oh, it’s you,” Emily said, mostly to herself. She couldn’t help but scan her eyes down the other woman’s body. Even in an old, oversized t-shirt, JJ was beautiful.
It was probably Will’s shirt. The thought made her stomach turn sour. While Emily was happy for JJ and Will – she was, yes, she was, she totally was – it still hurt to think that she was no longer the first person JJ would go to when things went south on a case or when she got good news or when she just needed some… stress relief. For a while they had a sort of unspoken arrangement, but that ended quickly with the pregnancy and the engagement and, well… she was with Will now. This couldn’t happen anymore. While seeing JJ every day and not being able to hold, to touch, to comfort her made Emily feel like someone reached down and hollowed out her insides, she could still be there as a friend. And damn it if she wasn’t going to try to be the best friend JJ ever had.
Emily couldn’t help but notice that JJ looked worse for wear much like herself. Her brow was slightly furrowed, and she was biting her lip – a nervous habit. “What’s going on?” Emily offered.
“I just… this case. It’s getting to me, you know?” JJ looked up, something unintelligible written across her face. “Can I come in? Please?”
Emily nodded and held the door open for her. JJ allowed herself an appreciative smile before stepping into the other woman’s bedroom. Emily eyed her as the other agent glanced around the room, pretending not to notice the empty bottle on top of the mini fridge. Emily looked away as JJ sat on the bed, her shirt riding up just enough to show off her upper thighs. God, Emily missed those thighs. She cleared her throat and willed the blush away from her cheeks as she took a seat next to JJ, pointedly looking at the wall in front of them. “So, what’s up?” she sighed, hoping to get the concern in voice across more than the blush in her cheeks.
JJ let out a breath and put her head in her hands. A beat passed before she spoke. “I can’t stop thinking about that girl.” Emily instantly understood. JJ made some tough calls that night and was ultimately the first person at the victim’s side after the shooting. It couldn’t have been easy on her. “I mean, we were wrong, and she paid the price for it. It shouldn’t have turned out like that. It should’ve been me I –” JJ went silent as her fingers embedded themselves further in her hair, her chin tucking into her chest, folding in on herself.
Emily hated to hear her talk this way. Like her decisions were questionable, like her life was expendable. She gingerly wrapped an arm around the distraught agent and pulled her into her chest. “Shhh…it’s okay. No one could’ve predicted what happened. You did what you thought was best. It’s not your fault,” Emily whispered as JJ tucked her face into the crook of Emily’s neck. She rubbed small circles into her back and sat there, letting the other woman take all the time she needed, emotions coming to a peak and then softly crashing down, wave after wave. She placed a gentle kiss on top of her head. As awful as it was seeing the woman that she deeply cared for be in pain, Emily had missed these moments. No matter how tough this job got, she knew she was safe at JJ’s side, the two of them leaning into each other, folding under the weight of the case, letting themselves feel what they had to until their breaths would eventually slow, and they would just sit there, leaving everything unsaid but nothing unaddressed. See, they didn’t always need words to understand what the other was feeling. Sometimes they’d give each other a look, and then fall into this routine of care and comfort and words unspoken.
Emily couldn’t pinpoint how much time had passed before JJ spoke. “It’s okay,” she treaded lightly. “If you need to talk. Or cry. Whatever you need to feel. You were also close to everything that happened and I just….” JJ trailed off. Emily smiled sadly at her. She missed having someone who cared enough to see her cry.
“Oh, I’m fine,” she lied through her teeth. JJ knew she was lying – Emily knew that. She still did it anyway. It was easier than the alternative. Easier than falling apart and showing a side of herself she never showed anyone.
JJ let out an exasperated sigh and grabbed her hand, sending a faint current of electricity up Emily’s arm and down her spine. She pulled Emily down onto the bed with her, so they were lying side by side. Falling back into their old routine after a particularly rough case. When words weren’t enough, and closeness was the only thing that quieted their haunting thoughts.
Emily looked over to find JJ staring at her. She couldn’t quite get a read on the expression on her face before JJ turned over and wrapped her arm around Emily’s torso. She welcomed the weight of JJ’s arm over her abdomen, her own personal weighted blanket. It was comforting. Emily splayed her hands up and down the smooth expanse of her shoulders and back, as if she was hoping she could absorb some of the pain the blonde was feeling. She wasn’t JJ’s go-to for emotional support anymore – that was Will’s job now – and she’d be lying if she said that fact didn’t make her heart ache. But she still accepted this role eagerly and with grace when it was needed. She’d absorb all the pain in the world into herself if it meant that JJ could be at peace. She was used to pain after all, and an expert at shoving the dark stuff deep, deep down into her psyche, until it rested far beneath the surface. Like an anchor sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
The two women laid there on top of the hotel bed, holding on as if the other was the only stable thing left in the world. Occasionally JJ would pull Emily in closer, and if Emily returned the gesture by strengthening her hold on the blonde, no one had to know. JJ nestled her face into Emily’s neck and Emily allowed her head to rest on JJ’s. She felt the blonde’s breathing eventually slow to a more even pace as the anxiety melted away, bit by bit. No words needed to be said.
Emily was acutely aware of the way JJ’s legs curled up and their knees rubbed against each other, the way JJ was lightly tracing over Emily’s side with her thumb, arm not moving from its position across her waist. She was close enough to smell JJ’s shampoo: something floral and calming, like lily or jasmine. She could feel the faint outline of her lips where her neck met her shoulder and it made Emily’s mind race.
They hadn’t done this in a while, but it was just as familiar as breathing. The way JJ’s body slot perfectly into hers, the comfortable silence and mutual understanding… sometimes Emily felt like she needed to hold JJ in the same way that she needed air in her lungs.
Glancing down at the blonde, Emily suddenly felt the need to tell her everything. Her favorite place to go to growing up, her mixed feelings about orange juice, her unwavering love for the other woman. She almost felt nauseous at how badly she suddenly wanted to speak. Like she had a weight on her chest, a metaphorical one far heavier than the beautiful woman laying on top of her. JJ was always encouraging her to open up. And realizing that she had no idea when they would be this close, this alone, again, almost made her want to. But Emily knew what would happen. And it wasn’t a particularly happy ending. Taking a deep breath, she decided that she would open up, just a little bit, in a different way. Anything to get JJ to stay a bit longer. Besides, she probably should talk about what happened out there today. After several minutes of silence and breathing and just holding each other, Emily spoke.
“She reminded me of myself.”
JJ lifted her head up and gazed at the brunette. Emily rarely spoke about her feelings unless it was surface level or in a joking way. She felt JJ’s eyes on her as she continued staring straight ahead, purposefully avoiding the vulnerability that eye contact would bring. She continued before JJ could say anything.
“When I was talking to her the other day, everything she said… I knew exactly how she felt. That’s kind of what I was like at her age.” Emily dryly chuckled as she gripped the arm that was slung across her stomach, settling for touch instead of eye contact. “I think in a way…I looked after her as though she was me. When I was that age. There’s a lot of things I would do differently, and I guess I sort of felt like I could help her, outside of this case.” She looked down and JJ held onto her tighter. It was a several moments before she spoke again. “I failed her,” she voiced, barely a whisper.
JJ sat up a little and placed her hand on Emily’s shoulder. “You didn’t fail her,” she started. “You did everything you could. It’s like you said, no one could have predicted what happened.” She trailed her hand up and down Emily’s arm before leaving her hand at the dip where her shoulder met her neck. “For what it’s worth, I think you did have a real impact on her. What happened was tragic but don’t for one second think you didn’t make a difference. Because you did, of course you did.” Her next words were barely a whisper. “You always do.” JJ stared into Emily’s pensive eyes with the utmost seriousness. Because she meant every word she said. Emily slowly sat up and met her gaze, trying to communicate appreciation and gratitude and love and everything that words couldn’t say. She tentatively placed her hand on JJ’s hip and began to run her thumb up and down, as if that small gesture of comfort could say what Emily couldn’t, and as if her hand on her hip could hold the blonde down before reality snatched her away again.
JJ glanced at Emily’s lips for the flitting moment. So brief, Emily nearly thought she’d made it up. But then it happened again. And just like that the air in the room shifted. And Emily felt the alcohol coursing through her body.
Whether it was the vodka that loosened her inhibitions, or she was just getting drunk off JJ’s gentle looks and touches, she couldn’t believe what she was about to do.
Emily slowly leaned in, as if some gravitational force was pulling every atom in her being closer and closer. Slowly, she brushed her lips over the corner of JJ’s mouth, planting a feather-light kiss there. The blonde let out the smallest gasp at the contact. When JJ didn’t pull away, she slowly turned her head and did the same to the other side. She heard JJ gulp, and hoped the other woman couldn’t hear the way her heart was hammering in her chest. She ghosted over JJ’s lips, feeling like every nerve ending in her body was on fire.
JJ’s grip tightened on Emily’s waist, and she ran her other hand further up her neck, like she couldn’t get close enough. Though her words told a different story. “We can’t,” JJ practically whispered, but she wasn’t pulling away. Then again, she wasn’t closing the minuscule amount of space left between them, either. This is where they existed, their feelings for each other, in limbo. They stayed like that, breathing in time to a melody that only they knew.
“It’s just us,” Emily gently countered. “Inside this hotel room, away from the real world… it’s just us.” She tangled a hand in JJ’s hair, playing with the ends. JJ let out a shaky breath and inched her lips the tiniest bit closer when she just as suddenly pulled away.
“I can’t do that to Will.” JJ avoided eye contact and instead stared at her hands which were now resting in her lap. Emily yearned for their touch once more. She sighed and placed a hand on JJ’s cheek, redirecting her gaze back at her, and looking at her as if for the first and last time. The blonde leaned into her touch, smiling sadly and lightly kissing the other woman’s palm. JJ’s blue eyes were piercing in a way that made Emily’s heart hurt, conveying all the emotions that they needed to keep locked away.
“At least stay with me,” Emily pleaded. She traced along the curves of her cheek with her thumb. “Just for tonight. Just until morning.” JJ closed her eyes and inhaled the subtle scents of Emily. Vodka and sandalwood. She opened her eyes with newfound resolve.
“Okay,” she breathed. Emily returned her sad smile. This is what it had to be. She pulled JJ back down onto the bed, lifting up the comforter over their heads, shielding away the world from this precious bubble they had. JJ curled into Emily, and Emily wrapped her arms tightly around the other woman. They both sighed, exhaling everything that could never be said. They were soldiers at war, fiercely protecting each other’s’ lives and guarding each other’s’ hearts, and this off-white hotel comforter was their first line of defense. Beyond this bed, this room, things would be different. But at this moment in time, they could hold each other. And that would have to be enough. Slowly, their breaths became shallow, and they fell asleep in each other’s arms, hearts beating in sync.
That night Emily dreamed of ocean blue eyes, soft hands, and lilies.
When Emily awoke, it was to an empty bed. She turned over and looked at the clock on the bedside table. 6:57. Almost time to wake up and get ready to go to the jet. She flipped back over and glanced at the empty space before her, the subtle indent left in the bed. She brushed her hand over the side where JJ used to be, closed her eyes, and breathed in the scent of floral shampoo and something else that was all too familiar. If she were to open her eyes, she’d have to get up and face the harsh reality that lay before her. The one where JJ does not love her, at least not in the way that Emily wants. Where JJ would be by her side at all times, but only in the workplace. Only professionally.
As the sun crested over the buildings outside and peeked in through the blinds, Emily soaked in its warmth, along with everything else she could before she got up. She didn’t want to let go of the night before. So, she basked in it instead. Her, this bed, and the ghost of the woman she loves, closed off from the rest of the world. Echoes of what could have been scattered about in the smallest crevices and the darkest corners of this hotel room. And for now, that would have to be enough.