Chapter Text
Winter crept over Seattle in a haze of low hanging clouds and perpetual rain. Winter break dawned cold and wet.
Things were getting better though, at least a little. The academic term ended with little fanfare, and she had quietly started looking around for new places to live. She couldn’t squat in Kaz’s apartment forever, however nice it might have been.
She spent most of her afternoons at Nina’s, when she wasn’t working on a job for Kaz, and the two of them started the break holed up on Nina and Matthias’s very squashy couch, covered in a quilt and catching up on movie nights they had missed as the school year had dragged on.
She could feel Kaz’s eyes on her, whenever she was home, almost fearful in their intensity. She knew he was worried she might slip back into the place she’d been before, after the showcase. After all, what good was a spider who couldn’t even drag herself out of bed?
She was determined to show him that she was fine. That she was just as valuable as she had always been. She pushed herself extra hard, prioritizing work for him over all else. She barely even made it to three classes before Christmas came, and was so distracted that she could barely remember a combination as it was presented to her.
Luckily Miss Margritte was back east for the break, visiting family, and didn’t witness her atrocious behavior.
She was heading home from a late class after dark one night when her phone buzzed with a text.
Kaz: class over?
She shot back an affirmative and ducked under an awning to await a reply. She didn’t have to wait long.
Kaz: 1531 14th Ave. Tell them my name.
She sighed and rolled her eyes. He got so cryptic when it came to jobs.
The address turned out to be an Italian restaurant, and she felt a little self conscious in her leggings and puffer jacket, her hair hanging limp around her shoulders, still kinked from her bun. The restaurant’s clientele were all dressed for a much nicer occasion.
The host at the front managed a perfect sneer down his nose at her, and said with no small amount of disdain “Name?”
“Kaz Brekker,” she shot back, feeling slightly gratified when the man’s posture straightened instantly and a simpering smile was pasted onto his face instead.
“Ah, of course! You must be Mr. Brekker’s girlfriend! If you would wait here for just one moment.”
He turned and darted away before she had the chance to tell him that she was no such thing.
He returned shortly carrying a massive white paper bag, offering it to her with the same simper.
“The usual, of course, and Chef Toma included tonight’s special, arancini, as well as some tiramisu for the two of you, on the house of course.”
She nodded her thanks and took the bag, ducking back out into the night. The chef must have been passing information to Kaz, no doubt hidden in the bag somewhere with the food. It was a clever tactic, and one they had employed before with dry cleaners and other vendors.
The worst had been at the fish market, where a surly one eyed man had hidden messages for Kaz inside of freshly gutted fish. It had fallen to Inej to dig the little plastic wrapped scrolls out and dispose of the fish afterwards.
Hopefully this Chef Toma had simply hidden the message in a napkin, or taped it to one of the to-go containers, and she wouldn’t have to go digging through his arancini for it.
She fired off another text to Kaz letting him know the package was obtained, and then headed back through the night to his apartment.
The lights were all up when she got back, and Kaz met her at the door, taking the paper bag from her as she toed off her shoes and shrugged out of her coat.
“I put the kettle on for you,” he said, leading the way into the kitchen. She followed, gratefully, and poured steaming water into the mug that was waiting for her on the sideboard, a teabag already at the bottom. The honey was already out, too, and she spooned in a generous amount while Kaz unloaded the food.
She didn’t see if he retrieved a message from it, but she was preoccupied with trying to take sips of her tea before it had cooled, and burning the tip of her tongue.
By the time her fingers had defrosted and she had managed to take a full gulp of tea, Kaz had plated the food and was carrying it out to the table.
Inej was surprised to see a single taper lit, and an actual tablecloth laid out, but she supposed it was a Friday night, and winter break. If that wasn’t cause for a little celebration, she didn’t know what was.
Kaz poured wine for himself from a bottle that was already out on the table. He offered her some too, but she shook her head, still cradling her mug of tea in both hands.
“How was class?” he asked, cutting into a piece of chicken.
“Not too bad,” she said. “We did a new adagio that I really liked, but my feet are totally dead from it and I’ve got turns class tomorrow.”
Kaz hummed slightly, doing a convincing job pretending he understood what she meant by that.
They discussed a job that Kaz was considering taking on for a bit, but the conversation tapered off and the rest of the meal was spent in a pleasant silence, soft jazz music playing in the background.
They cleared the dishes off when the dinner was done and Inej submerged them in warm soapy water. She was reaching for the sponge, but Kaz reached out and grabbed her wrist.
He wasn’t wearing his gloves. He did this more and more often recently, leaving them off around the apartment, even when she was there too. She hadn’t said anything. She knew what it meant for him, what a sign of trust it was, and she didn’t want to ruin it by making it into a big deal.
She was wearing long sleeves, but his hand gripped low on her wrist, his bare thumb wrapping around to press into her pulse point. His hand gripped her wrist firmly, a comforting pressure through the thin fabric. His pointer finger curled around the back of her hand, his fingertip brushing her knuckle.
She stopped in her tracks, enjoying the smooth feeling of his soft skin against hers, staring down at the point of contact.
He stood behind her, his arm reaching around her body. Slowly, like she was trying to not to startle a deer, she turned her head, looking up at him. He was looking back at her, and the intensity of the eye contact washed through her like a shock wave.
“It can wait,” he said, and it took her a moment to remember he was talking about the dishes. “Can we talk for a minute?”
She nodded and he dropped her wrist.
She followed Kaz out into the living room, settling on the couch opposite from him.
She crossed her legs, sitting sideways on the sofa so she could face him, waiting for him to speak.
But he didn’t say anything, though, just stared at her. Feeling suddenly awkward, Inej grabbed onto her ankles, rubbing slightly, which was a nervous habit she’d picked up while stretching before her classes.
“I -,” he started to say, but his phone cut him off, starting to vibrate with an incoming call. “Sorry,” he said. “I have to take this.”
She nodded, and he picked it up, taking it into the kitchen..
Her phone dinged with an email while she was waiting, and she opened it, finding a response to an inquiry she’d sent on a craigslist ad.
“Sorry about that,” Kaz said, ducking back into the room. “I was just, well.” He sucked in a breath, still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.
“What’s up, Kaz?” She asked, feeling confused with how the evening had turned so suddenly uncomfortable.
“You’ve been here for about six months now,” he said, resting both his hands in front of him on the head of his cane. “And I just wanted to…Inej, I like having you as a roommate but I can’t do this anymore. I need you to know that I -”
“Oh, say no more!” Inej said, jumping to her feet. “I actually just got a response about a place for next semester, so I’ll be out of your hair in just a couple of weeks.”
“No, Inej, I love -” he made an aborted movement towards her.
“Let’s not make it awkward, Kaz,” she said, trying not to let her shame and sorrow show on her face. “Thank you, so much. For everything you’ve done for me.”
“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to make you feel like you need to leave.”
“No, of course not,” she said, trying to end the conversation before she stopped being able to hold the tears back. “I was already looking for places anyway, this doesn’t affect our friendship at all.”
“Oh,” he said. “Alright then.”
“I should probably go deal with the dishes, then.”
He nodded and she rushed into the kitchen, turning the tap on to hide the sound of her sniffles. Thankfully, after a moment’s pause, she heard him sit at the piano and mournful music started to float in.
She felt so embarrassed. She had thought that the night had been special, almost verging on romantic. The candle and the wine, the way he had held her wrist, and all the time he had been trying to soften the blow of getting rid of her. She’d been so stupid.
The music coming from the living room certainly didn’t help with her tears either. He was playing set to break her heart, and it was almost more than she could handle.
She turned the water so hot that it scalded her hands as she scrubbed the plates clean, enjoying the sting of it as a self-inflicted punishment for overstaying her welcome.
***
Out in the living room, Kaz stared unseeing at the keys as he played, wondering how the night could have gone so wrong. This had not been how he’d hoped things would go when he confessed how he really felt to her.
It was obvious now that she didn’t feel the same, and what was worse was that she had already known. Had already known, and his love for her made her so uncomfortable she didn’t even want to discuss it.
It was nice of her, to say that they could still be friends, but he almost wished she hadn’t. He didn’t know if he could stand to be around her, knowing what he did now.