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Dan doesn’t think previous birthdays have any ounce of competition against today. He’s been awake knowingly for around twenty minutes, just accepting and basking in the cool air after the heatwave they’ve had in London – it’s far more than just deserved.
For the last few days (closer to week, but Dan is definitely definitely not counting) sleeping has been difficult, because Dan is warm by nature and that makes it even more difficult. They have been close to sleeping in separate places because it’s been so warm, with Dan reluctantly offering to sleep on the sofa until the weather decides to chill out a little. Expect, of course, Phil would never let that happen, rolling his eyes in Dan’s direction out of amusement before tugging Dan closer to him for a second before pushing him away again.
”Shut up,” Phil rolls his eyes. “You’re not going anywhere.”
It seems that the weather has cooled down considerably and Dan isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not. It’s not like they would be able to enjoy the hot weather anyway, the world is still in the middle of a pandemic and normal birthday celebrations have to be put on hold until further notice. It is not how Dan planned his thirtieth birthday to go down, but it will have to do. He has his health and that’s the main thing.
So that is what makes today so great, the weather and of course, it being Dan’s birthday.
The sunlight fills the room around him, creating the illusion of warmth but when Dan pokes his toe out of the corner of the duvet, there's a small cooling air. Maybe it's from the fact they've left their bedroom window open overnight, but either way, the colours the sunshine is leaking into their room is a false projection.
He sighs, feeling the cool air hit his foot before tugging his foot back under the safety of the duvet cover, turning on his side to face Phil beside him. He can’t help the smile that spreads across his face at the sight.
He’s still asleep, because of course he is, snoring quietly beside Dan. Dan has an idea to wake him up but he knows that wouldn’t exactly be nice, because if the honey sunlight is anything to go by, it’s very early and Phil deserves his sleep just as much as Dan deserves attention.
Instead, he uses this time to just look and appreciate. It doesn't happen very often that Dan gets this opportunity because as much as their branding online is night owls who love their sleep, Phil is always up early way before Dan.
It’s a weird feeling, being able to look at the person you love without any guilt attached. He supposes he has a lot of therapy to thank for that, but more importantly Phil for being so patient with him. He’s been there through a lot, to say the absolute least, and Dan couldn’t be more thankful.
He thinks back to when he first met Phil, in 2009, being a bundle of nerves and anxious energy at a train station he has never been to before at a time way too early that it should have been illegal for him to be awake let alone out of the house for a number of hours. A rush of memories floods back into Dan's head at the thought. Memories of train stations at obscene times, caramel macchiatos and foggy Starbucks windows with drawn stickmen on them which Phil promised was the both of them holding hands and a Ferris wheel. How could Dan forget the Ferris wheel? They held onto each other like they were the only people on the planet and that was enough for Dan to feel safe for the first time in his life.
He smiles at the memory because that was the first moment that he realised that he could not ever be just friends with Phil, especially after seeing his wide grin in person. Being just friends with Phil reminds him of the time he tried. Of the time he tried so desperately to pretend the feelings he had for Phil were just strictly platonic and nothing more. He hurt a lot of people during that time but he can never forgive himself for hurting Phil and making him believe his feelings weren’t anything more than what a friend would feel for him.
He shakes his head, frowning to himself at one of the worst memories in their years of knowing each other. He knows Phil forgives him, but Dan does not think he can offer that same energy to himself.
Instead of dwelling, he thinks about better times. The times when they were travelling the world together, both in the form of world tours meeting their audience but also when it was just for them. Exploring the world for tours was wonderful and happen to be memories that Dan will remember for the rest of his life, but seeing the world with just Phil by his side with no expectations other than their own plans is otherworldly.
He supposes he will never forget the latest trip to Japan that they took together before the pandemic hit, because it was just so magical. He’s never been on a trip that was just so unbelievably perfect before that he never actually wants to go again in fear that it will ruin the memory. He likes to think Phil thinks the same too.
Coming out before their Japan trip was something that he likes to think progressed his relationship with Phil to the next level. They had always imagined being together forever, that much Dan is sure, but there’s something about the fact they came out basically together that feels so special to him. They went through a remarkable life memory together, perhaps more dramatic and intense for Dan than Phil but still. It grew something even more between them, something that Dan wasn’t sure was possible because he already thought he loved Phil an impossible amount.
Phil was so patient and so understanding with Dan and coming out. He never once pushed at Dan to hurry up his process and instead, he allowed Dan to take his time and talk through it with his therapist for years. When Dan told him in 2018 that he was thinking he was ready, Phil offered him a genuine smile and muttered words of praise and encouragement, but when Dan didn’t have that bravery anymore, Phil didn’t get angry or frustrated at Dan not being ready. Instead, he offered the same old smile and muttered the exact same words of praise because at least Dan tried, as if that was the main thing. It was then when Dan realised it was for life here.
He bites his lip, trying not to smile like a giddy child being allowed a sweet from a sweet shop, and embarrassing shuffles closer to Phil without meaning to. It’s accidental but who is he to deny himself the opportunity to get a sleepy cuddle from his boyfriend.
The most recent memory that allowed him to realise just how much he loved Phil was during the pandemic, in the last year. He wrote a book, specifically a book about mental health and how to deal with it, using his own emotions to make the book a little bit more personal. Whilst he wrote it himself (along with the therapist who aided him), there is no doubt about how influential Phil was in this moment. He owes all the thanks in the world to Phil for being beside him in his life throughout all the difficult times - accepting that Dan wasn't perfect and had a lot of unresolved trauma that he had to deal with with time. Phil has supported Dan throughout every single aspect of his life and he couldn't thank him enough.
Not only that, but Phil was also there physically throughout the entire book writing process in more ways than one. It was Phil who sat alongside Dan until the early hours of the morning making sure he kept hydrated and fed whilst writing the book. It was Phil who forced Dan to put the laptop down and go to sleep after hours in front of the bright screen. It was Phil who did all of that, and once again Dan isn’t sure how to offer thanks for that.
Dan didn’t quite know how he landed someone as wonderful as Phil, but he counts his lucky stars for it. Growing up, he never understood the idea of soulmates and often laughed when people used the term seriously, but now he thinks he gets it. His relationship with Phil felt right like no other thing in the world did and he thinks that there’s no one else in this world that he could imagine matching so perfectly as Phil does for Dan – and he hopes vice versa.
He didn’t want to entertain that idea though, because he doesn’t want to imagine a world where Phil isn’t right next to him by his side.
Phil begins to move and mumbles a quiet hum, and Dan is pulled away from his thoughts thankfully. He watches as Phil rolls towards him, wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist before sighing deeply and going back to sleep.
He supposes he can deal with a few cuddles on the morning of his birthday, he thinks to himself as he shuffles to get comfortable before closing his eyes to join Phil.
“Are you up?” Phil croaks out into the silent air between them and Dan curses himself internally for accidentally waking him up and robbing himself of the luxury of cuddling Phil. A luxury that he happens to get all the time but who’s judging his words?
“Yeah.”
“Good,” Phil mumbles, sighing as he squeezes his hand around Dan’s waist tighter than before. Dan leans into the touch involuntarily.
Phil moves his hand, resting his chin on Dan’s chest and smiles gently as he opens his eyes to look at Dan. He watches as Phil’s eyes search every inch of Dan’s face, for something Dan isn’t sure what, and he feels his breath stuck in his throat. This is why he knows Phil will always be there because of this exact reaction.
Phil leans forward to kiss him, cupping Dan’s jaw with the hands that Dan has grown to know very well over the years. Over the last ten to be precise. It’s funny how much an individual can grow comfortable around another person, and not in an upsetting “getting used to someone” type of way, but more like complete peace and ease. He doesn’t think he would ever grow tired of being around Phil, and that’s something that warms the rest of his body that the kiss hasn’t reached yet.
It’s overwhelming all in the best ways. There’s way too much love for Phil trapped inside of him and it just needs to burst out, so he allows it. He allows it to flood into the kiss and worm its way into Phil’s body and find a home there, just like he did.
Dan sighs into the kiss, allowing himself to be pulled impossibly closer into Phil’s personal space with one hand on his waist. The touch, it burns in the nicest way. A burn that leaves Dan wanting more and he could, if he and Phil truly wanted to, but he knows he is far too sleepy for that right now so he just accepts the lingering tingle as it threads through his body and dog ears it for later.
“Hey, happy birthday,” Phil says softly when he pulls away. If Dan tries to follow him, that’s no one’s business other than his own. And maybe Phil’s. But definitely, no one is allowed to judge him for it.
“Thank you,” Dan smiles.
Phil brings his hand to Dan’s forehead, pushing the loose curls that have dropped there in their sleep off to expose it, and leans forward again to place a delicate kiss there. It only makes Dan smile more.
Dan moves his arm slightly to tug him closer and Phil follows happily, before flipping them over so Dan is burying his face into the crook of Phil’s neck rather than the other way around. Dan leans into Phil’s neck a little more, smiling to himself about the instant comfort he feels.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" Phil asks, rubbing the palm of his hand against the soft skin of Dan's bicep.
He thinks about it for a moment. He’s never liked the concept of getting older, especially reaching the ripe old age of thirty. He’s made jokes here and there, particularly at Phil’s expense sometimes but that’s on him for being over thirty already. He thought he would have this embarrassingly large breakdown reaching this age, but suddenly, he realises he doesn't seem to mind.
"You know what I'm okay."