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“When was the last time you were truly happy?”
Dr. Deatonh’s voice echoed in the back of Derek’s mind as he pulled the SUV to a stop in front of a wooden lodge. The sign above the door read Whole Life Retreat. He’d spent the twelve-hour drive into the mountains debating whether he was doing the right thing or not. By the time he’d decided to turn around, the entrance was in front of him.
Climbing out, he stared at the door of the lodge. Within a couple of minutes, it opened, and a tall, dark-skinned man walked out. He stood on the porch, crossing his arms over his chest, watching Derek. The silence stretched between them until Derek huffed out a breath and approached.
“You must be Mr. Hale,” the man said, stretching out a hand. “I’m Vernon Boyd, but everyone calls me Boyd.”
“Nice to meet you. Please call me Derek.” They shook. “Is this where I’ll be staying?”
He’d done his research on the place while he’d been in the hospital recovering from a nervous breakdown due to overwork. It had been the wake-up call he’d needed to take a step back from his hectic life as the head of the legal department for his family’s international finance company. Surprisingly, his family had been supportive when he’d told them he would be leaving New York to get a reset on his life without any definitive plans to return.
“You chose to join the living community, correct?” Boyd asked as he held the door open and gestured for Derek to precede him into the building.
Derek nodded. He hadn’t been sure how long he’d wanted to stay, but he knew he would need more than a week or two to retrain himself to slow down. As it was, he’d had to stop himself from calling the office where he no longer worked to see how things were going. “It seemed like the better option for me.
“Dr. Deaton didn’t give us a lot of details, but he was adamant this would be a good yet challenging change for you,” Boyd said, moving behind a counter and grabbing a thick envelope out of a cubby on the wall behind him. “This packet has more information about the living community as well as keys to an ATV and your room in the lodge up there.”
“Up where?” Derek asked, taking the envelope and pulling out the ring of keys.
“There is GPS on the ATV,” Boyd told him, but I’ll lead you up for the first time to make sure you get there safely. You have driven an ATV before, right?”
“Yeah, but where are we going?” Derek asked, following Boyd outside and back to his vehicle to get Derek’s belongings that he’d managed to fit into a large backpack and duffle bag. Grabbing the duffle, he headed off around the side of the building. Derek grabbed his backpack and hurried to follow. “Where are we going?”
“This lodge is just for short-term guests. Those who choose to join the community live further up the mountain. You can only get there on these,” Boyd responded, strapping Derek’s backpack to the back of a four-wheeler while gesturing for Derek to do the same with the duffle.
Derek stared down at the ATV. It had been too many years since he’d ridden one. It took him a couple of minutes to remember that weekend trip during college and racing through sand dunes chasing down a pair of amber eyes that glittered, and even the memory of them sent longing stabbing into Derek’s gut.
“When was the last time you were truly happy?”
Shaking himself out of the memory, afraid that he’d figured out the answer to Dr. Deaton’s question, Derek straddled the ATV and strapped on the helmet that Boyd handed to him. “Safety first, always,” he insisted before climbing onto his own ATV and leading Derek away from the lodge.
The trip didn’t take long, and Derek found himself laughing as they sped along the trails, wildlife darting out of their way. At one point, Boyd sped through a puddle, splashing mud and water back at Derek, covering him, and instead of getting upset as he had even a few weeks earlier, he whooped loudly and picked up his speed.
When they reached the second lodge, Derek pulled to a stop next to Boyd. He took off his helmet and looked at the building. It was smaller than the other building, but from the information Derek had read online, he knew there were only about a dozen permanent community members.
Boyd let out a loud whistle, and a leggy blonde stepped out onto the porch before leaping down the steps and wrapping her arms around Boyd. “My wife, Erica,” he explained, blowing blonde curls out of his mouth as he returned the hug. “We started Whole Life with a friend of ours. You’ll meet him in a bit. He’s working in the gardens right now.”
“Welcome!” Erica said, letting go of Boyd and turning to embrace Derek. “We have your room all ready for you. Dinner is at five, and you can meet everyone then, and we can explain to you how things work around here.”
“Sounds good,” Derek said, although it sounded a bit overwhelming. “What kind of gardens?”
“We grow all our own food here. We thought about trying to go vegan for a while since raising and slaughtering animals was a little bit much for us, but instead, we have meat delivered once a week,” Boyd explained as he looked at his watch. “In fact, I have to get back and meet the driver.” He pulled Erica close again and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “See you later, babe.”
“Later,” Erica said, taking Derek’s backpack off Boyd’s ATV and gesturing for Derek to follow her inside.
Hesitating, Derek grabbed his duffle and followed, taking in the fire pit surrounded by flattened logs taking up a section of cleared earth in front of the lodge. He imagined people sitting around a blazing fire and singing campfire songs, and he had to fight the desire to roll his eyes. A porch swing hung to the left of the front door that Erica disappeared through, and Derek could imagine spending time there reading and enjoying the fresh air.
Stepping inside the lodge, he froze at the familiarity of the room he’d never seen. His eyes traced over large wooden sofas with comfortable cushions in varying shades of blue. A long dinner table surrounded by mismatched chairs took up the left side of the room next to a wall with an opening that showed a restaurant-grade kitchen. A few people were moving around inside, and the aroma of chili filled the space around them.
“This is the main room. We encourage time spent together here, but it’s not a requirement, of course. You can spend all of your time in your room, but that would defeat the purpose of the community.”
Derek nodded. “We know that it will take some time to adjust, so if you like, you can have your meals in your room at first.”
Following Erica up a flight of stairs, he saw a bunch of doorways with numbers on them. Most stood open, but one at the end of the hall with a number 31 stood closed, a “Welcome, Derek” sign taped to it. Something about the drawings on the paper was familiar, and he frowned as he tried to place it.
His mind traced homemade cards stored in boxes in the storage unit back by where he’d lived. They were locked away with other mementos of a time he tried so hard to forget because he’d regretted losing it. The few times he’d gone through the boxes, he’d been so overwhelmed with loss that he’d contemplated things he would never have considered before in his life.
“When was the last time you were truly happy?”
“Derek?” Erica asked, laying a hand on his arm and pulling back when he jumped and snarled slightly. “Where did you go?”
“Nowhere,” he said, forcing a smile and knowing he failed when Erica flinched. “I’m sorry.”
Her smile returned. “It’s fine,” she said, gesturing to the door. “You have the key.” Derek found it on the keyring that Boyd gave him and unlocked the door. “I’ll leave you to get settled. There are two full bathrooms on this floor, one at each end of the hall. I’ll be down in the living room if you have any questions or just want to hang out.”
“Thank you,” Derek said, trying to put as much meaning into the two words as he can. He let out a sound of surprise when Erica pulled him into another hug before hurrying from the room, already hollering out someone else’s name as she went.
Derek looked around the room, smiling at the black bedding and the paintings of wolves that decorated the walls. If it weren’t for the fact that Boyd had said they didn’t know much about him, he would have thought that they’d decorated the room specifically for him. Trying not to focus too much on the last person who had painted wolves for him, he started unpacking his bags.
He heard a lot of talking downstairs and doors opening and closing. As time went on, he ran out of things to do, but he struggled with the idea of heading downstairs. He’d never been good at meeting new people and could barely remember the last time he’d made a new friend. He blinked at the lie, wondering why he kept doing that as he let himself remember.
The library had been packed with people, which made sense since it was the last week of classes before summer break, and everyone was stressing about exams. He’d been searching for a place to sit and study, but all the tables were filled. Frowning, he’d climbed to the top floor that most students ignored because the temperature was always the wrong side of warm.
Unfortunately, there were even more students than usual up there. He’d just about given up when he saw a door near the back corner that stood slightly ajar. The sign on the outside said, “Storage,” but noise coming from inside had caught Derek’s attention.
Moving closer, he found a student sitting on the floor with an old door spread across a couple of boxes in a makeshift table. The noise had been the kid drumming two pencils on the wood while his eyes ran over a text in front of him. While Derek watched, he’d used both pencils at different times to make notes on different pads of paper. At one point, he pulled a highlighter out of his mouth and used it before returning it between his lips.
Derek must have made a noise because he’d looked up and spit out the highlighter with a grin. “Hey, dude,” he greeted. “You found my super-secret study space. I guess I’ll have to kill you now.” His amber eyes had sparkled with glee, and Derek had thrown his head back to laugh. Whenever he thought of that moment, he imagined that’s what people meant when they said, “It was the start of a beautiful friendship.”
“When was the last time you were truly happy?”
A loud dinner bell jerked him out of his thoughts. Derek took a moment to remember where he was, pushing out the memories that were getting harder and harder to push away. He debated heading downstairs, remembering Erica saying he could eat in his room at first, but then he thought about his vow to himself to give this an honest try. He needed to change his life if he wanted to keep his sanity.
Taking a deep breath and trying to steady his heart, he stepped out of his room. A tall young man with curly dirty-blonde hair exited his room down the hall at the same time. The number on his door was fourteen, and the sign underneath said, “Isaac.” He must have stared for too long because the guy gave him a small smile. “The room numbers appear to be completely random. I don’t get it, but once you meet everyone, you’ll realize randomness is the only thing consistent around here.”
“Derek,” he said, holding out his hand and smiling when Isaac shook it and introduced himself.
“What brings you here?” Isaac asked.
Derek wondered how much to share with Isaac. He was a stranger, but if Derek were going to turn his life around by living here with these people, he would have to step outside his comfort zone. “To put it simply, a nervous breakdown.”
Isaac didn’t even look surprised, just nodded, and headed towards the stairs. “That’s a common answer.”
“Is it yours?” Derek wondered.
“Not quite. I grew up in a great family until my mom died, and then my brother was killed in combat. Then, my dad...he went a little crazy and started abusing me.” The skin around Isaac’s eyes tightened, and Derek felt terrible for asking. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to share, but Isaac continued. “When I was a senior in high school, he was killed by a snake bite while hiking. Can’t say I was too torn up, but after that, I floated around for years, searching for a family like the one I lost.”
By the time he finished, they’d reached the first floor, and Isaac gestured to the table where a couple of people were sitting while others carried food from the kitchen to set in the center of the table. “I found them here.”
“Hey, Derek!” Erica called out. “Grab a seat!”
Isaac sat in a chair, and Derek took the one next to him, hoping it wasn’t someone’s regular chair. He watched while everyone chatted, a few people introducing themselves to Derek as they set food down and took their seats. He hoped they wouldn’t mind if he had asked again because the names started running together after a few minutes.
It wasn’t long before people filled all but one of the chairs at the table. Erica looked at it with a sad smile before encouraging everyone to dig in. While they ate, everyone at the table talked about the community and what they did there. Some shared stories of what brought them there, but no one pushed Derek to speak, and he found his mind traveling down a path of memories again.
The kid’s name turned out to be Stiles, and he and Derek met regularly in the storeroom to study until their hiding place was discovered by a librarian who had the lock repaired so they could no longer enter. Stiles and Derek had moved their study sessions to a diner just off-campus.
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Stiles observed one day, and Derek had smiled and shrugged, enjoying the laugh that brought about from Stiles. The laugh shook his whole body. “That’s alright. I talk enough for the both of us.” And he did. Stiles loved to talk, and Derek had loved to listen.
“When was the last time you were truly happy?”
As the food disappeared, the level of activity slowed down. Erica turned her attention on Derek. “So, as a part of the community, you’ll be expected to pitch in with all of the chores around here. We usually encourage our members to focus on those they do and enjoy best.”
“I used to mow lawns in high school and worked at a nursery,” Derek offered.
“Hallelujah! Someone to help out in the garden!” a young man named Liam shouted from his end of the table.
“If that’s what you would like, but you’ll also be on rotation for kitchen and household duties,” Boyd chimed in. “The more of us that help out, the quicker things get done. We will give you a couple of days to get yourself acclimated, though.”
Erica glanced at the empty chair again. “Hopefully, you’ll get to meet everyone soon.”
“Someone’s missing?” Derek asked.
“He went on a personal retreat a few days back. Said he had to remove his head, clear the cobwebs and screw it on straight again,” Kira, an adorable Asian girl, said, laughing.
Derek’s heart stopped, and he gaped at her. “He said, what?” he choked out, his mind already going back to Stiles and the number of times he’d said those exact words whenever Derek started getting stressed about work. It always made him laugh, especially when Stiles had drawn a picture of Derek holding his head and vacuuming out the inside of it.
“When was the last time you were truly happy?”
Kira opened her mouth, probably to repeat what she’d said, but Erica stood suddenly and started clearing the table. Derek offered to help, but Boyd pushed him back down into his chair when he tried to stand. Shaking his head, he stood up again but headed towards the stair, the length of the day catching up with him as he decided to finish unpacking and get some shuteye. He was glad that unless he was on breakfast duty, he didn’t need to be up at a specific time of day because he felt like he might be able to sleep for a week.
The sun shone through the crack in the curtains, pulling Derek from his dreams or memories. There were days he couldn’t remember which had actually happened with Stiles and which were what he imagined would’ve happened if he hadn’t been so obsessed with work. His heart ached as he remembered those last days with Stiles, the days where he barely saw him, and when they did, all they did was fight.
He never blamed Stiles for leaving him, but he’d missed him every day for the five years that had passed since he’d come home to an empty apartment with a note in Stiles’ scrawl that he’d kept in his wallet.
Derek,
Saying goodbye was never something I wanted to do, but I can’t be here where all the happiness is gone. I miss your laugh and your smile and spending time together.
I hope you find your smile again, and when you do, I hope you find me.
Love always,
Stiles
Derek had thought it had been a ridiculous note at first because he’d barely had a smile before he’d met Stiles, so he couldn’t imagine finding it again with him gone. He’d thrown himself into work even more than before. He slept at the office more often than not, to the point he had a wardrobe in the coat closet at the office and every food delivery service on speed dial. He’d ignored every warning from his family until the day he’d been found curled up over his desk in his office, unable to draw a full breath.
He’d spent a week in the hospital having every medical test known to man run only to find him in good physical health. Then, following his mother’s recommendation, he’d checked into a psychiatric facility for a month. There he’d met Dr. Deaton, who diagnosed him with severe anxiety and depression. He’d been the one to recommend the Whole Life Retreat and released Derek from the hospital when he’d agreed to go there. He’d seem especially pleased when Derek chose to go in entirely and not just for a week or two.
Now that he was there, he worried he’d made the wrong choice. He’d come here to clear his head, to try and get his anxiety and depression under control, and instead, he kept finding things to bring back memories of Stiles. He felt his lips quirk into a smile. The memories made him happy, but the pain was back as soon as he came back to reality. Reaching over to the nightstand, he picked up his cell phone and dialed Dr. Deaton’s number.
“I have the answer to your question,” he said when the doctor picked up on the other end. They stayed on the phone for close to an hour. Derek told him everything about Stiles and what had happened since he’d arrived at the community. When they hung up, Dr. Deaton reminded him to continue using the journal he had given Derek in the hospital. He’d agreed even though journaling had never been his favorite thing to do.
After hanging up, Derek stayed in his room that day, curled up on the bed with a book he’d meant to read for as long as he could remember. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d stayed so still and felt so relaxed. Erica brought him a lunch consisting of a sandwich, an apple, and a reusable water bottle.
The room darkened, and Derek reached over to turn on the lamp at his bedside when there was a loud knock at his door. The noise in the quiet of the room startled him enough that he slid off the edge of the bed and hit the floor with a crash, nearly taking the lamp down with him. Groaning, he rolled to his back, spreading his arms out and letting out a loud laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation despite the pain radiating from his elbow. A knock sounded at his door again, this time a bit louder. Pushing himself to sit up, Derek managed to get to his feet and cross to open the door.
His apology for the delay died on his lips when he saw who was standing on the other side of the door. “Stiles?”
“I thought it was you,” he said, smile bright but amber eyes dark and guarded. In his hands was a tray with some fragrant chili and a side of cornbread along with a glass of milk. “I brought you dinner.”
Derek took the tray, his eyes still locked on Stiles’ face, cataloging the way it had changed and the way it hadn’t. He remembered spending hours tracing the moles on his face with his fingertip, making Stiles giggle until Derek’s heart felt like it would burst with happiness. “Thank you,” he said.
“You’re welcome,” Stiles returned. “Are you going to be ready to help in the garden tomorrow?” His words were shy in a way they had never been when they’d known each other.
Derek nodded. “Yeah. Is there a specific time?”
“Just after breakfast,” Stiles told him. They stood staring at each other, the silence stretching between them. “Do you like the room?”
Derek nodded again, beginning to feel a bit like a bobblehead but so afraid to say the wrong thing, and Stiles would disappear from his life again. “The paintings are yours, right?”
“Yeah. I wondered if you would recognize them or...remember.”
The words hurt in a way that Derek hadn’t expected. “I never forgot.”
Stiles pressed his lips together and nodded. His doubt was nearly palatable. “Well, I’ll see you in the morning, then. You’ll want to be sure to make it to breakfast. We have a long day in the garden.”
He was gone before Derek could respond. Stiles retreated down the hall, ducking into a room with the number ‘24’ on the door. A sign with his name hung below it. Of course, the sign hadn’t been there the day before when he’d arrived, or Derek would never have questioned that the missing member at dinner was Stiles.
Derek stared at the closed door for a little while, his mind going over the short exchange they’d just had and the words in Stiles’ goodbye note. He knew he was still working on the smile, but now that he’d found him again, he wasn’t going to lose him again.
Smiling, he pulled out the journal and sat down at the small desk in his room. At the top of the first page, he wrote Deaton’s question. Underneath, he wrote: My days spent with Stiles in college before the craziness and stress of a job I didn’t even really want were the last time I’d been truly happy. Now, here at Whole Life, I believe I have the chance to be again. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this, but I will not waste his second chance.
Derek closed the journal and picked up the spoon, digging into the chili, already making plans for the next day. Finally, his doubts about being in the right place were gone, and he knew he was back on the road to being truly happy.