Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Leif and Tobin met, they were 11. They had both won the spelling bee, and they were instantly best friends. They had a bond, one that couldn’t be severed by anything. They stuck together no matter what, helping each other through every little problem; through Tobin’s mom leaving, through Tobin’s dad leaving, through Leif’s panic attacks, and through high school bullies.

It took a year or so, but shortly after he met Tobin, Leif realized fully who he was. He didn’t tell anyone, not even his best friend, out of fear they would leave him, wouldn’t want to see him again. But when he and Tobin were in their junior year, he decided it was time for his best friend to know.

They were driving to Tobin’s apartment—or really, Leif was driving—after school. Tobin was too reckless in the driver’s seat, and it gave Leif anxiety, so it was an unspoken agreement that Leif was the driver, no matter what. It was perfect for Leif, as he didn’t have to make eye contact with Tobin.

“Tobes, can.. Can I tell you something?” Leif asked quietly, swallowing nervously as he drummed his fingers against the steering wheel. Tobin looked up from his phone and smiled, confused.

“You can tell me anything, Lee,” Tobin nodded, watching his best friend carefully.

Leif swallowed again. And again. “I’m bi,” he blurted out, unable to keep it in anymore as he felt the familiar panic rising deep inside of him. He reached up and ran a hand through his hair, keeping his eyes trained on the road in front of him. “And asexual.”

Whatever Leif was expecting, it wasn’t what happened. Instead of confusion, or anger, or a passive shrug from his best friend, he got more than he’d ever hoped for as Tobin sat up, perfectly straight, and beamed at him.

“Dude, that’s so cool!” Tobin grinned. “I’m gay, if you hadn’t figured that out by now.”

Leif pulled the car into Tobin’s parking space in front of his apartment and took a breath before he met his best friend’s gaze.

“So you’re not upset or anything?”

There was a beat of silence as Tobin tried to figure out how to respond to the question. He knew that his first impulse, which was to laugh, would hurt Leif more than anything, and Tobin couldn’t do that; not ever, but especially not after Leif told him something so important.

“I could never be upset with you, bro. Especially not for telling me something new about you. And dude, I love you, but the bi flag on your bike helmet isn’t exactly subtle.”

Leif smiled softly. He knew the flag sticker wasn’t subtle, and he didn’t know exactly why he put it there, but something inside of him warmed, knowing that Tobin cared enough to pay attention to such little details.

“How’d you realize it? That you’re bi?”

The question shocked Leif a bit. He didn’t know, really, but he felt like he needed to answer Tobin, and there was an answer. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell him just yet; what would a normal person do, in his situation? Tell Tobin the truth? That he was in love with him, and he had been for four years? Tobin would freak out. Beautiful, smart, incredibly dorky Tobin, who’s incredibly accepting of almost anything, who never panics, would panic. But he’d let him down as gently as possible, and it could be the easiest way to get over his feelings.

Leif opened his mouth to say it, to tell him, but he couldn’t. He felt the nausea pooling inside of him, threatening to flood and explode, and he did his best to swallow it down as he shrugged.

“I guess when we binged the Spider-Man movies? I don’t know… Mary Jane, she’s really pretty, but so is Peter.”

“Dude, I get exactly where you’re coming from! If I liked girls, MJ could totally hit this,” Tobin grinned.

Oh, well. Leif could tell him some other time; they were destined to be best friends for the rest of their lives, weren’t they? He had years to do it.

Chapter Text

Leif knew he was in love with Tobin, but he never realized just how much until their graduation day. There was something about seeing his best friend beaming excitedly, proud of himself (and proud of him, if the three times Tobin had said it in the span of twenty minutes meant anything) for making it that made his heart swell and made the grin that he’d been wearing for the past hour practically impossible to remove.

They both had passed all of their classes, done their very best, and that day was the proof that all of their hard work had paid off. Leif had gotten his college acceptance letter first, then Tobin, and they were going to go to college together—something they’d hoped would happen, but knew it was only really a faint possibility.

They got to sit next to each other when they got there, and Leif was living for it. He’d gone through most of middle school with Tobin, and they’d been next to each other at their eighth grade graduation too. Now, he’d gone through all of high school with his best friend too, and he got to get ready with him, drive with him, and sit with him throughout the entire thing. And after, they were going out to celebrate, just the two of them.

So Leif knew that underneath his graduation gown, Tobin was wearing the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen him in. He’d gone out, bought something genuinely nice to wear, and Leif thought that Tobin had never looked more attractive with his hair gelled back ever so slightly, wearing a dark blue button up, and dark pants and shoes.

Leif hadn’t told him so until he got a compliment from him (it was more of a punch to the arm telling him that he looked hot as fuck, that he looked baller in his outfit—a white button up with a black tie and red cardigan, paired with jeans and converse—even though he looked a bit like a mormon), and even then it was only a choked out “You look good too.”

But then they’d gone to school together, with Leif driving as usual, and they realized how much everything was changing—and how fast it was, too.

Tobin had gotten over it quickly, as per usual Tobin fashion, but Leif dwelled on it for much too long. Tobin helped the best he could, of course, offering a well-appreciated distraction.

Their turn passed, and eventually, they were standing next to one another, waiting for the time when they were supposed to move the tassels of their hats to the other side. As they moved them, Leif looked down at Tobin (who would insist he wasn’t that much shorter, but he was at least a whole head shorter, and Leif wouldn’t let him forget it), and as everyone let out a great big cheer, he called out.

“I love you.”

Tobin could tell Leif had said something, that much was obvious as he looked up at his best friend, but Leif soon found out he hadn’t heard him.

“What was that?” Tobin shouted.

“I said I’m proud of you.”

They never talked about it again, and Leif had to hope desperately that Tobin truly hadn’t heard him, and that he hadn’t heard and understood and decided to ignore it.

Chapter Text

When Leif and Tobin had started college, they’d both gotten into one where it was mandatory that freshmen lived in the dorms, and the rooms were assigned. So they didn’t get to spend that much time together, unless they were out at a party Tobin had decided to drag Leif to.

But when they finished their freshman year, they pooled their money together and got an apartment. It wasn’t anything special, just a two bedroom, one bathroom, but it was home. It was a place two best friends got to spend all of their time together in, or a place where they could both go hide in their rooms on their own after a fight.

While it may have been home, it wasn’t finished yet.

They’d gotten everything moved into the apartment—all of their boxes, all of their furniture, everything. But nothing was organized yet. With one another there to help out, they got the couch situated and both beds in their respective places, mattresses sitting on top haphazardly. Boxes litered the whole place, stacks throughout the hallway (a dangerous tripping hazard for Tobin), stacks holding up the tv in the living room (as per Tobin’s request), and stacks that threatened to topple over, stacked way too tall to be able to stay on the kitchen counter the way they were (also Tobin’s work; he’d done it when Leif was gone getting takeout for dinner, and he liked it the way it was, whether it was a dangerous or not).

Tobin’s priorities were questionable to most people, but Leif was used to them—the way only someone who’d been best friends with him for nine years could be. So it was no surprise when he got home and opened the door to be greeted by Tobin, who was wearing his shoes inside, holding up Just Go With It.

“Shoes, Tobes,” Leif started, toeing off his own shoes next to the door. “And we watched that last week.. Would it kill you to pick something else? Something that’s not Adam Sandler, or Reese Witherspoon, or animated? Maybe something, I don’t know, educational?”

“Educational movies are… Not good, bro.”

“Dude, Educational movies are amazing,” Leif protested, but Tobin put a hand over his mouth, tossed the movie case on the couch, and took the bag of takeout from Leif’s hands. He finally took his hand off of his best friend’s mouth as he licked it, promptly wiping his hand off on Leif’s cardigan (one of his favorites, a dark blue one with faint boxes on it in a lighter blue color).

“Chinese, nice,” Tobin grinned innocently, watching as Leif gaped at him.

“If you don’t close your mouth and get over it, I’m going to turn a movie on without asking you first.” With that, Tobin marched into the living room and sat on the floor, tugging a box of Leif’s books in front of him to use for a table.

Leif gave in almost immediately, shutting his mouth and following closely behind Tobin.

“Be careful, my books are in there.”

“I know, that’s why I’m using it. It’s heavy as shit, but it’s sturdy, and look at it, bro. It’s perfect.”

“Mary Poppins?” Leif smiles, picking the movie up out of a stack Tobin had pulled out of his box of dvds.

“Why not? It’s old, but it’s baller, dude.”

“I’m not complaining, Tobes. I’ll put it in.”

When the movie had finished, the two decided to go on a Julie Andrews streak, and Leif put the Sound of Music in. About an hour and a half into it, Tobin laid his head on Leif’s shoulder, and Leif froze.

It wasn’t like they didn’t touch each other; they touched each other all the time. Punches to the arm, arms slung around the other’s neck, hugs, everything. There was practically nothing that they didn’t do. Nothing that breached the border between friendship and something more, at least. But Tobin laying his head on Leif’s shoulder made his brain short circuit.

Leif relaxed a moment later, tilting his head to press a light kiss on the top of Tobin’s hair. He whispered, then, softly, “I love you, Tobin.”

And then Tobin began to snore. He’d been asleep the whole time.

Chapter Text

Two weeks after Tobin’s twenty-fourth birthday, he and Leif were standing outside the doors of SPRQ Point, staring up at the giant, intimidating place they were supposed to be inside of, starting their first day, in an hour. They were only early because Leif had made sure they left early, and he may have gone a little overboard, but it was good. It was good timing, because less than a few moments after they walked up, Leif began to hyperventilate. 

“Hey, bro, are you okay?” Tobin asked, putting a hand on Leif’s shoulder.

Leif stumbled, and Tobin grabbed both of his arms to steady him. He lead him over to a bench and sat him down, tracing circles into his arms. 

“Hey, dude, it’s okay. You’re gonna do fine, I believe in you. You’re an awesome coder, come on, bro, this is gonna be baller!”

“I’m fine,” Leif choked out, swallowing. His forehead shined with sweat, and Tobin could feel Leif shaking desperately in his arms.

“Bro, you’re not fine. I know what you’re like when you have anxiety attacks. Come on, breathe with me, alright? It’s gonna be alright, they’re all gonna love you. And even if you don’t, you have your dope best friend to hype you up and get them to love you, don’t you? You can’t tell me I’m not the coolest best friend, like, ever, dude. It’s simple math.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Leif breathed out, his voice strained. His eyes were watering, tears threatening to spill over, and he felt completely and utterly humiliated—which didn’t help the circumstances. Tobin hummed in response, moving a hand to his best friend’s back to rub it gently.

“If you say so. Breathe with me, Leif, buddy.” Tobin looked Leif in the eyes, walking him through his breathing, until it had slowed a few minutes later. Tobin smiled at him gently. “You good now, bro?”

Leif nodded, wiping away the sweat and a few stray tears that had made their way down his flushed, damp cheeks.

“I’m sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for? Bro, new jobs are scary. Big CEOs and technology that tons of people are going to be using are scary. But you’re Leif Donnelly, man! You’re an awesome coder, a super smart guy, and look at you! You’re hot as fuck, and you’ve got the dopest cardigans in Cali! The ladies’ll be all over you , bro!”

Leif laughed half-heartedly, wiping his face again. “Thanks, man.”

Leif looked up at Tobin, then, who sat just a bit taller than him (even though Tobin was much shorter than him standing, but it was fine. Let Tobin have the little victories.), and that’s where he messed up. Tobin’s smile was cocky and confident, and his eyes were dark and warm, and even though Leif’s breathing still wasn’t completely normal, and even though he was still shaking horribly, the moment felt perfect. Leif loved Tobin, and Tobin was close and had his hand on his back still, and he was laughing that Tobin laugh that just about drove Leif absolutely insane .

Leif loved Tobin so much that it was insane.

It wasn’t smart, that was for sure. They were best friends, nothing more. Tobin was interested in men, of course, but not Leif. It wouldn’t make sense for him to be interested in Leif, just like it didn’t even really make sense that they were best friends. 

They were too different.

But somehow, they worked, and Leif wished their chemistry could turn into something more, but deep down, he knew it wouldn’t. So he kept Tobin close, and even if it hurt to hear Tobin gushing about some super hot guy he’d seen at the coffee shop that morning, it was better than not having Tobin.

But at that moment, Tobin was grinning, looking deep into Leif’s eyes, gazing at his soul, and Leif didn’t know if he’d ever loved him more.

Suddenly, Leif was hit by the image of what his future could look like, if he told Tobin. If Tobin felt the same. One bedroom (probably Tobin’s) would be for the two of them, and they’d share the same bed. His bedroom would be turned into an office; a place where they could do extra work at home, if they didn’t want to stay late. A place where one of them could hide after a fight. A place where Leif could hang all of the pictures he’d taken of birds on his birding trips to the park, and where Tobin could make fun of them, but Tobin would love them and never make him take them down. Them sitting down together for dinner, at the table, with candles, or on the couch, their legs tangled together while they watched yet another episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

That future seemed so much better than everything staying the same, and Leif knew he had to tell Tobin he loved him. It was only fair. But it was also terrifying, and as he opened his mouth to say it, Leif felt the anxiety rising back up again. That is, until Tobin pulled him into his arms and rubbed his back again, gently reminding him to breathe.

He was fine ten minutes later, and they went inside to start their new jobs together.

They never discussed the second anxiety attack again.

Chapter Text

Leif had gotten a promotion; he was the new engineering manager on the fourth floor, and he was excited beyond belief. He’d only been working there a year, but he’d quickly climbed the ranks, proving to the others that he was a good coder—the best, if he did say so himself. 

When Leif told Tobin, his best friend wasn’t as excited as he was. But he wouldn’t tell him why.

They agreed they’d go to MaxiMo’s for dinner to celebrate, and Leif told Tobin that he had something else to tell him. Tobin told Leif he had news for him too.

Leif had gotten there before Tobin, and had gotten them a table. He ordered food for Tobin, since he knew his usual order, and ordered for himself. He fidgeted with the sleeve of his cardigan restlessly, bouncing his knee ever so slightly. He was nervous. He’d decided that the place to finally admit it to Tobin would be at MaxiMo’s, at a public place where he hopefully wouldn’t make a scene. A neutral ground. His promotion was just an excuse, really, but the clear disinterest and what seemed like a bit of disgust from his best friend had shaken his confidence.

Eventually, though, Tobin arrived. He had perfect timing, as Mo brought their food over right as he sat down. The two thanked their friend, and sat in an awkward silence for a moment.

“Congrats on your promotion, bro. That’s pretty baller,” Tobin smiled tightly, his voice too quiet and too tense and too different from the Tobin that Leif knew and loved with all of his heart. Tobin stared at his best friend, which made the atmosphere even more tense and awkward.

“Thanks, man,” Leif nodded, staring back at Tobin.

“Yeah, of course, anything for a bro.”

“So, uh… You said you had news too. Do you want to go first, or should I?” Leif cleared his throat with a faint smile.

“I can go first,” Tobin volunteered with a shrug. Leif nodded, watching him expectantly. Tobin cleared his throat. “So I’m gay, obviously.. And you’re fine with that, which is cool, so I thought you’d want to know? Since you’re my best friend and all?”

If Tobin expected a verbal response, he didn’t get one.

“Well, you know Peter? From the fifth floor? He asked me out, earlier this month, and I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure it was serious. But he’s my boyfriend, now, which is pretty lit, right?”

Leif’s eyes had widened considerably as Tobin spoke, and his heart sank. “That’s really cool. I’m happy for you, man.”

“Thanks,” Tobin smiled. It was a real, genuine, happy Tobin smile. Leif hadn’t seen one of those since they’d heard that Leif was being considered for the engineering manager, and it was a welcome sight; he couldn’t help but smile in return. “Well, anyways, bro. What was your news?”

Leif shook his head in response. “It’s nothing, really. It’s not important.”

Tobin didn’t badger him further, and they were left in silence to finish their food, before they went home. They didn’t talk. Not at work, not at home, not on their weekly grocery shopping trip—Tobin didn’t even go.

Tobin and Peter broke up two weeks later.

Chapter Text

On Tobin’s twenty-sixth birthday, his still twenty-five year old best friend decided they needed to celebrate, just the two of them. Tobin wouldn’t pick what they would do and told Leif to surprise him, so Leif did just that.

The night after his birthday (they’d had a party with their friends on the actual day), they found themselves laying on their backs on a blanket, staring up at the sky. The drive to get to a place without San Francisco light pollution was longer than they would have liked, but it was worth it.

Leif was going on and on about each constellation, explaining each in detail and telling Tobin all about the history behind them. Tobin watched him, looking between his best friend and the sky, but Leif was focused on everything above them and didn’t notice that Tobin wasn’t paying too much attention.

A few minutes later, Tobin’s gaze had stilled on Leif, admiring his profile and the way the moonlight soaked his features. His gaze caught on the scar he’d accidentally given him, the one in his eyebrow, during a pillow fight when they were twelve, and he smiled to himself. Leif stopped talking, content to just look up, until he turned to look at Tobin.

“You don’t like this, do you? I can make it up to you, you know, we can go to your favorite bar if you want. I can pack this all up pretty quickly."

Tobin laughed, long and hard, and Leif’s worried expression deepened.

“I love it, man, this is perfect.”

There was a beat of silence.

“I love you , man. You’re perfect.”

There was another beat of silence. Then another.

Leif’s expression contorted into something Tobin couldn’t read, but then his cheeks flushed a deep red.

“I love you too, Tobes.”

The sky and stars forgotten, Leif pushed himself forward, pressing a light, quick, and chaste kiss to his best friend’s lips. Tobin brightened, reaching up to card his fingers through Leif’s hair as he pulled him back down, into a more urgent, longer kiss.

They parted moments later, grinning to themselves, and Tobin pulled Leif into a hug.

“I really do love you. Like, a lot, dude.”

“I love you too, Tobes. But don’t call me dude when you’re telling me you love me. Okay?”

“I think I can manage that.”