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“Hey, can we talk?”
Sakura looked up from the scrolls that she had been perusing over, startled at the sudden sound of his voice. She hadn’t been paying much attention to her surroundings, so entranced in her reading on the potential adverse interaction between medicinal herbs and the use of a chakra scalpel. She didn’t even hear any footsteps until she heard him.
Then again, Sasuke never made any action without reason.
“Uh, sure.” She rolled the scrolls up and made space for him on the bench next to her. THE bench, she just realized. The irony. “Sorry, I was…”
Sasuke took the offered spot but not before a subtle, but tell-tale twitch in his Sharingan right eye. He realized the bench’s significance too.
He didn’t deliberately seek her out today but his legs subconsciously led him there. He was contemplating his next steps, now that the threat to the shinobi world was over and life had to go on. He still had a few goals left and before he acted on them, he needed know gather information beforehand.
~*~ Everything I know about love, I learned from you, from you. And everything I know about pain, I learned from you, from you ~*~
She was a little puzzled at his silence after he sat down; after all, he was the one who initiated contact. She didn’t push him though. Many years and events between them, she still knew him enough to know that there was no pushing Sasuke to do anything he didn’t want to do.
So she waited until he decided he wanted to continue the conversation he requested to have with her.
In the meantime she did some reflecting of her own.
Sasuke was always a loaded subject with her, one that had a very large influence in her younger years, on the choices she made and actions she took during her teenage years. Memories of her fangirling and rivalry with Ino over Sasuke in the Academy years still made her cringe to this day. After he left her on the very bench they sat on, her main drive of improving her skills and becoming stronger were all in the name of helping Naruto bring Sasuke back to the village, believing that he would eventually realize how deep her feelings ran and someday reciprocate them. She was convinced that he was going to learn to love her someday and she just had to be patient and wait. She had become very adept at subduing the truth that had been glaringly obvious as he never gave her any false hope, not one. It was not because she was naive, she just chose to ignore the signs.
It took her quite a while to recognize and accept the hard truth but, once learned, she was never going allow herself to ever forget.
*~* You were my only, you were my first. You showed me lonely, and you took me in when I was hurt. But the most important thing you ever gave me was the one that hurt the most *~*
It had only been a few months since the final confrontation between Sasuke and Naruto and Sasuke being pardoned by Kakashi. She had been busy with helping during the transition between her shishou and the Rokudaime, barely even having enough time for a breather to reflect on the last few months.
She was present as Kakashi negotiated Sasuke’s freedom with the other Kages as his crimes were serious and severe. They had been out for Sasuke’s blood, insisting that he pay for his involvement with Orochimaru then with the Akatsuki which aggrieved almost all the villages in the shinobi world. It took many, many meetings and negotiating terms back and forth before she and Kakashi were successful in their endeavors.
Naruto was busy himself with recuperating from the intense Fourth Shinobi War and the final confrontation with Sasuke though physically he healed at a much quicker rate than others thanks to Kurama’s presence. Tsunade was in the process of recreating an artificial arm for both Naruto and Sasuke, something that Sakura was also helping her mentor with. It was painstaking but Tsunade was confident that they were close and the prosthetics should be ready in about a week.
She and Sasuke weren’t exactly avoiding each other but neither did they seek out each other’s presence. The energy between them was…awkward…to say the least. There was something there, something invisible but tangible, that they knew they had to confront at some point but didn’t know how to breach.
They were orbiting, no direct contact and yet tethered. Until today when he took the initiative, something that surprised her.
“Where do we go from here?” He wasn’t looking at her directly, something that surprised her.
“What do you mean?” Unfinished business. It was unspoken but hovered in the air like a thick blanket.
*~* So thank you for the broken heart, oh yeah, and thank you for the permanent scar. 'Cause if it wasn't for you I might forget how it feels to let go and how it feels to get a brand new start. So thank you for the broken heart *~*
“Exactly that. Where do we go from here?”
She looked down on her hands as she contemplated his question. Where do they begin? Best to start at the beginning.
“That night, the night you left me on this very bench, I was so in-love with you that I was willing to throw everything away. Everything I worked hard for—everything that defined me at that time—all in the name of loving you.” Her voice trembled at the strength of the emotions tied to the memory. “And yet it was enough. I wasn’t enough. My love wasn’t enough. I woke up alone and you were long gone.” There was a distinct and lingering bitter taste in her mouth as she continued.
Sasuke flinched but she wasn’t looked at him. Her honesty was brutal but he had expected that. He had been so warped with his need to avenge his clan’s massacre and hell-bent on making Itachi pay, to the exclusion of anything, and anyone, else. The tunnel vision he had was all consuming, something that he was ashamed to accept now.
“So I worked at making myself better. I thought to myself, ‘If only I were stronger then Sasuke-kun would see me, would look at me and think of me as someone who can walk alongside him the next time we meet.’ I got stronger, more capable. I built myself up, became a disciple of one of the Legendary Sannin, the Godaime, harnessed and took my chakra control to the pinnacle of what it could be, all in the name of making you acknowledge me.”
*~* How could you expect me to look at you the same way *~*
Sakura let out a sardonic laugh as her fingers played with the hem of her tunic, her fingers needed something to do. “When Naruto and I encountered you and you tried to kill me, that was when I realized it was all in vain. I had never thought you would look at me with such hatred in your eyes. You intended to kill me that day. My life meant nothing to you.” She was so immersed in her memories, a faraway look in her eyes. The old emotions returned as if he had just inflicted the almost-blow. “That day my heart shattered and hope died. All the trials and tribulations, all for nothing.”
Sasuke, as savage as her words were, knew he needed to hear them directly from her. It was part of his penance in a way. It wasn’t until recently that he started to become aware of others, of Naruto, of Sakura, of Kakashi, the family he left behind in scattered pieces in his wake.
For all the strengths of his kekkei genkai, he was blind to the things that mattered. For all his genius, he was dumb to the larger picture. He wasn’t able to see the forest through the trees.
When she didn’t continue, he felt that this was his opportunity to express his side, to help clear the air between them.
He may not get this chance again.
*~*You were my only but not my last. You showed me lonely and you made me put you in the past. The most important thing you ever gave me was the one that hurt the most *~*
“You know that words have never been one of my strengths, even when we were in the Academy. Most of my—I don’t even know if you can all them conversations—were to verbally spar with Naruto. And to my added shame, to ridicule you and your affection for me. I was driven with single-minded purpose, to avenge my clan and kill the person responsible, no matter what it cost me.” He peeked sideways, gauging her reaction to his words. Seeing none but Sakura blankly staring forward, he pressed on.
After a deep sigh, “For years I was consumed and blinded. I didn’t stop to see the collateral damage around me. Naruto, Kakashi, you…the family I didn’t even know I had.”
Sasuke swallowed the lump that inexplicably formed in his throat. For some reason this conversation was one of the most difficult moments of his life.
Fighting was his specialty, innate and easy. Emotions were tough. He spent years holding everything in with a laser focus on Itachi, on avenging his clan’s massacre, that he never entertained any other thoughts past those, even what he would do after he achieved his goals.
“I’m…sorry.” It was the second time he had apologized to her since the final battle with Naruto, more than at any other time, and to any other person, in his entire life. “I was aware that you held…feelings for me but at first I didn’t believe that it was serious and later on, I didn’t…” The rest of his words trailed into silence.
Sakura felt twinges of pain at what he said and the words he didn’t say. She knew what he meant to convey, though she was appreciative that he was trying to be more sensitive, more considerate of her now. It didn’t mean that the reality of them didn’t hurt anymore.
A sudden chirps of birds broke through her thoughts, anchoring her back to the present. The distress melting, giving way to the peaceful present.
“Thank you.” Gathering her courage, she reached out and tentatively tapped him on his arm, encouraging him with a soft smile. “I know how difficult this is for you but I appreciate it, I do, and I accept your apology.”
*~*So thank you for the broken heart, oh yeah, and thank you for the permanent scar. 'Cause if it wasn't for you I might forget how it feels to let go and how it feels to get a brand new start. So thank you for the broken heart. And every time I find myself alone in pieces, I find myself. I'll just remember when you hurt me and I made it *~*
“Where does this leave us?” He whispered. Uncharacteristic doubt surrounded the burning question. “Do you still have any love for me left?”
Her hand move down to grasp his remaining hand as she paused on how best to answer his question. Her grip was firm, as if attempting to convey the sincerity of her words though physical contact.
“Part of me will always love you Sasuke. You can’t just easily erase feelings with a history like ours. As painful as the lessons are, at the end of the day I’m glad they happened the way they did….for both of us. There are some things you can’t learn about yourself until you go through the trials and hardship.” Her thumb was gently stroking his hand almost absently. “What happened has happened and…as much as you’ve changed, I’ve also changed.”
Bringing her eyes up to meet his, gaze strong and thoughtful. “We’re better now. You still have a journey ahead of you, I think you know that.”
Sasuke tore his eyes away from hers. The eye contact was too much for him to be able to continue. “I do. I have soul-searching, more work, to do and not only find forgiveness for my actions but also find forgiveness for myself. I won’t be able to achieve that here.”
She had know it in her heart. “I know.”
“Is there a future for us?” He bit the bullet and asked the question he really wanted to ask. It was now or never. “Will you wait for me?”
Her smile slipped minutely and he knew even before she answered him with words.
“No….not in the way you’re asking.” There was no tremble in her voice, no hesitation like she had imagined in the past. The clearness in her mind and heart startled her a bit but the truth behind them was undeniable; there was no disagreement between the two. “You were my first love and that’s never going to change. I’ve accepted that our paths had to diverge when it did and we both had to learn different lessons we wouldn’t have been able to learn otherwise.”
Part of her didn’t want to say what she was about to tell him but she had to say her piece so that there was no ambiguity between them moving forward. She won’t allow them to.
“I’ve changed from that girl though, she’s no longer here. She had to grow up and move forward because life stops for no one. I’ve moved onwards and upwards and I won’t change course or wait for anyone, not even for you. Our ship has sailed, Sasuke. I’ve learned that I have to put myself first, to make sure I’m whole because no one can complete you.” Sakura looked at the man in front of her to ensure he was listening. “And you know that you are no where near whole for anyone right now.”
*~* So thank you for the broken heart and thank you for the permanent scar. 'Cause if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here, with the love of my life, all my pain disappear. I've come so far. So thank you for the broken heart. *~*
Footfalls reached their ears as a third presence came close to them. The sound was deliberate, not wanting to startle either occupants of the bench. “Sakura, are you ready to go home?”
She turned towards the newcomer with an instant smile on her face, the type that reached her eyes.
Sasuke couldn’t help but feel the twinges of regret inside him. Her smile was brilliant and with no reservations. He could have had that for himself—had it directed at him a long time ago—but his choices in life ensured that that door was closed permanently.
He wasn’t completely surprised at the identity of the other man. Some maybe, if he was being honest, but not blind-sided. After all, he knew that they had gone through life and challenges with one another during his absence so it made sense.
Before Sakura could leave, he lightly held her wrist. “Sakura?”
“Yes?” Curiosity shone on her eyes.
“Be happy.”
Sakura gave him a small smile that was filled with multiple emotions at once but was predominantly one: sincerity.
“You too Sasuke. I hope you find the peace you’re searching for.”
She approached the other man and took his hand as they turned away from him. Sakura didn’t look back.
Sasuke stayed on the bench this time.
*~* I'll never have a broken heart again *~*