Chapter Text
Thomas decided walking around the park for a change.
Patton and Roman were walking very far away, Thomas was following them. Logan and Virgil were also walking far aways from them, but that's just because Virgil and Logan weren't feeling that good for social interactions with more than each other.
Virgil was walking slower than normal, he usually almost ran for how fast he could walk, Logan was walking by his side, trying to understand what could be the reason of the tense shoulders and tired eyes. Maybe just insomnia, maybe he's worrying about something, maybe is just a day where his anxiety took the best of him. Logan didn't know, and that was worrying him really much.
— What do you think of them ? — asked Logan the moment he noticed Virgil stopped walking to look at the flowers that had there
— They look good. — Virgil's voice was also very low and hoarse, but he smiled a little at the sight of the flowers
— What is your favorite flower ? — Logan had an interest for new things, and what better way to learn about new things than to get your friends to talk about something they like, right ?
— Tulips. — answered, now seemly zoning out a little bit
— Why do you like them ?
— Their meanings.
— Which are ?
And that was it, Virgil's little smile grew a bit more and something seemed to shine in his eyes.
— Red tulips means true/eternal love or confession of love. If someone hands another person a red tulip, and the other person gives it back with their right hand, it means they love them back. Pink Tulips are often related to platonic love, when you want just the best for someone, they're often seen as "perfect happiness". Yellow tulips are... Variations of things. It mostly means friendship, but they're also used to describe people who radiate joy, at the same time it has a symbology on rejected love. Purple tulips mean royalty, they also are mostly on bridal bouquets and in ukrainian art,where they are associated with spring and rebirth. The last one is the white tulip, they mean innocence, humility and purity. They're also associated with forgiveness, they're also used as an expression of respect and remembrance. That's kinda why they're so commonly seen in funerals. — He was relaxed, his shoulders weren't as tense anymore, the soft expression and tiny smile made the scene even better to watch as Virgil spoke more about each of them.
They kept walking until Virgil slowly lost this good feeling again. Walking as if there's someone ready to hurt him right behind him, eyeshadows even darker than normal and, if his
sleep deprivation wasn't making him see things, Logan was almost sure he could see Virgil pinching on his hand and little red marks starting to form on the back of his hand.
Logan didn't know if Virgil was okay with touch right now, or ever, so his only source would be to ask him, but he knows Virgil well enough to guess that the anxious one wouldn't give him a proper answer or just not answer at all. So he went with the subtle way.
— There's trees this way, want to go walk there with me ? — he offered his hand to Virgil, in a loose hope that he'd feel comfortable enough to accept it.
Virgil looked at him and, after a moment of hesitation, took Logan's hand in his.
They walked to the forest and sat under a surprisingly big tree and just stared at how Roman ran around with Patton and how Thomas was laying down on the grass. Just then was when they noticed they were really far away from the others.
— Do you feel okay with telling me why you are so tired today ? Was it your insomnia ? Or is it just a bad day ? — Logan asked, trying to sound the most comforting he could.
Virgil shifted, looked around, crossed his legs and squeezed Logan's hand.
— I just.... I, uhm.... I just ended up thinking too much about the past and now it is difficult to get the thoughts away. — Logan could feel Virgil shaking while holding his hand, his eyes were looking everywhere but him
— Do you feel okay with telling me what the thoughts are ? It usually helps to talk about it if you want to.
Virgil's eyes stopped on the ground, his hold on Logan's hand getting a bit loose after some time, his head was now resting on Logan's shoulder and he seemed to choose every word he'd say next.
— Y'know, when I tried to duck out ? The reason I did it ? — his voice was barely a whisper at this point, eyes closed
— You didn't feel wanted.
— That was part of the reason..
Logan nodded, even knowing that Virgil couldn't see it.
— What was the whole reason then ?
A deep breath and Virgil started talking again.
— Janus and Remus were my first family. They were so good at being family. Remus would play around with me and he would always say how he is my brother and will stop whatever joke he was telling if he noticed that any of us were uncomfortable, even if sometimes he'd got a bit too deep in thought and wouldn't notice how disturbed we were, he'd stop and apologize, he never really said "i'm sorry", he just made a gift for us to calm us down after whatever disturbing idea he had. Janus was that sarcastic person that pretends to not care but he was always the first one to hold us when he noticed we weren't having the best of days. He had such subtle ways to care for us.... — when Virgil finished, he opened
his eyes and stared at the leaves falling from the tree.
They stayed quiet for a while, Logan wasn't sure if he should say something or if he should wait. So he just stayed quiet waiting to see what Virgil would do.
His answer came after a few seconds later, Virgil moved closer and stared at the ground before speaking again.
— When I came to your side, I didn't intend to care about any of you. My plan was to show that we could be useful so at least you'd have one reason to let us in and listen to us. The only problem was that I didn't warn Janus first... — He pressed his forehead on Logan's shoulder and kept talking, whispering still. — When he found out, he thought I was going to abandon them. I tried to explain but he kept asking if it was because he did something wrong or if it was just because I didn't want to be with them anymore. Remus didn't talk during the whole discussion and I ended up snapping at them and screaming at them and I was so angry. I wanted you guys to see that I have at least one useful part in me so maybe you'd accept me and then I could try to do the same with the others so we could actually help more easily...
Logan didn't want to comment on Virgil's teary eyes, he just moved his free hand to wipe the one tear that escaped to the other could keep talking.
— When I tried to duck out. I was stuck on the thought if "I don't have anywhere else to go. The light sides don't want me with them and I just made my family hate me. Why would I stay if even Thomas wants me gone ?"..... — Logan really wanted to hug him now, but he knew that this would break him and Virgil was doing so well on talking about all of it. — Then.., then you guys came and told me you noticed I was needed, then Patton started that "kiddo" thing, then you said about how without me Thomas would probably collapse because of the lack of, well, me to prevent some things from happening. Even Roman tried and made a whole speech about "making us better". I can't say i wasn't happy about this, but my mind didn't shut up about how i almost had to be gone forever in a place you guys would never find me just for you to get something i was trying to say since the fucking begging. Janus and Remus don't know about this, i don't want them to know about this. After some time I actually started hating them for not believing in me, for not listening to me, for actually thinking I would abandon them just because I got Thomas to listen to me. I am a selfish bastard sometimes but i wouldn't just abandon family for something so stupid as getting attention. I don't even like when all the attention goes to me ! That's Remus's thing.
Virgil let go of Logan's hands, shifted a bit, he rested his head on the behind him and sighed.
— I had just lost my family and it was so obvious none of you actually wanted me there. Why would I have stayed ?..........
They remained silent after that. Just hearing Roman's laugh and Patton's excited ramble on something. They saw Thomas smiling there, laying down on the grass and looking more relaxed than he had been for the past few days. Logan noticed how Virgil seemed to not be as tense or nervous as before, the light shake on his hands still were a sign that he wasn't
all okay yet.
It was Logan's turn to talk.
— Is..., almost weird to know I had something like your experience. — he began, seeing how Virgil gave him a long stare. — You must have noticed how I'm often ignored. That is something that has happened since I can remember.
Virgil was hugging his knees, looking at him with full attention. Logan felt the urge to not look him in the eyes or just stop talking entirely.
— When you came, i would often feel that blind pride that i'm smarter, better or more important because of the job i was given, that was a very hard time because, with all that blind pride i had i would only notice when someone dismissed me, ignore me or just generally not pay attention when i'm trying to give my point. I got so angry all the time, i wanted to help and i was ignored and even when i tried to be quiet and listen, the moment i would open my mouth to try and say something that might be able to help, Patton would cut me mid-sentence, Roman would just make a joke about the way i act and keep rambling and i know you were acting antagonistically because you didn't had any intention of caring nor befriending us but you also shutted me up sometime and i got angry at that. What's the point of being Logic if nobody will let you do your job ?. I didn't thought it would get as bad as me trying to not intrude and only use the lowdown thing but Patton skipped me and Roman literally cutted my chat bubble and both were so caught up with the question that none of them noticed that Deceit had took my place after the skip. I was so tired and honestly ? It hurted. I know they're trying, i know they like me, i know they want to listen to what i say but they have done this since so much before Thomas even had conscience of our existence and i just wanted to give up. But i know the effects it'd have in Thomas. I knew that it would hurt him, he'd lose all his memories, all his knowledge, all his perceptions and just... He'd lose his mind and i couldn't do this to him nor any of you. So i stayed. I didn't even attempt because I'm always locked in my room working and they wouldn't notice my disappearance until Thomas forgot his own name. — Logan would deny until the end of his life how much he wanted to cry. He knew it was unhealthy, but really, when was any of them really healthy ?
Logan rested his forehead on his hand, looking at the two other sides and Thomas once again. Thomas was sitting now, hearing Roman singing and Patton was standing right next to no Roman saying something he couldn't quite place.
They looked peaceful. Not looking at them not even once.
— You reduced yourself to your job. Is so scary how you're the embodiment of Logic and curiosity but often forgets that you're human. — commented Virgil, also watching the playful trio far away.
Logan didn't say anything, the words died when he heard the "human" part.
God, he really needed to learn so much more about mental health.
If he was more focused on the others, he wouldn't have noticed Virgil taking his hand once again, this time it was more firm than before.
— Can you promise me something ? — Virgil's voice was so weak and low.
Logan didn't answered right away, he tightened his hold on Virgil's hand and sat a bit closer before saying:
— Of course, anything.
Virgil wasn't looking at him, his free arm still hugging his knee and he bitted his lip before forcing the words out.
— If we can't live for ourselves. Can you promise me that we'll at least live for each other ? — now barely a whisper. Logan only brought Virgil's hand close, kissed the back of it before saying an audible "I promise." and smiling the softest way he could at Virgil.
The ride back home was quiet. Logan never lets go of Virgil's hand. Roman and Patton didn't comment on it because of how tired both of them looked and Thomas had already told them to not say anything that would probably make them uncomfortable.
Logan was happy that he now had an actual reason to stay, and how could he not be okay when he now had someone to listen to him and have actual conversations outside of work ?
They weren't living for themselves, so why not just live for each other ?