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“Just keep her safe until we get there,” Erin says over the walkie-talkie. Her voice is distorted and almost drowned out by the whirr of flying cars (well, they’re more like go-carts, really) making their way past the roof of the old arcade, but still understandable.
“Ten-fucking-four,” Mac says before setting the walkie-talkie back down.
She wants to laugh, almost, but she’s not sure she has the energy left to do so. She wants to laugh at the absurdity of this all, at the millions of conflicting emotions and revelations she’s come to in the past day.
She wants to scream into the cold morning air, but that’s probably not the best idea when you’re a wanted criminal and her best friend, who’s currently passed out next to her, may have just upped her murder count to two.
Her gaze moves to KJ. Her eyes are closed and her hair is falling into her face, the stray strands catching the first rays of the morning sun.
Mac just wants to look at her. For now. Forever, maybe.
She wants so many things.
Starting with a cigarette, preferably.
It’s funny, really. She just got what should be the worst news of her life--that she’s going to die before she’s eighteen, that there’s no cure for what’s going to happen to her, that nothing can be done to stop it. Isn’t this the part where she should be having some sort of existential breakdown? But, no, of course she’s not. She accepted her fate long ago. She never seriously believed she could get a cure to this. You die when you die and all that.
Her impending breakdown, rather, is about KJ. Specifically, her--feelings towards her.
She can’t say she doesn’t have feelings for KJ. There’s no denying that anymore. She can’t say that she’s staring at KJ and how pretty she is because she’s jealous, or that she wants KJ to hold her hand because they’re in a really fucked up and terrifying situation. That’s all true, of course, but it runs deeper.
Yeah, KJ is gorgeous, anyone with working eyes can see that. She’s also so, so strong. When Mac was carrying her to this rooftop, she could feel how built she was, and maybe there’s some jealousy brewing in Mac over that, but--yeah. Not super heterosexual of her to feel like her whole face is on fire after feeling her best friend’s biceps.
But she’s also so smart--or, like, wise. Intelligent. She knows so much about stuff that Mac can’t even begin to wrap her head around. She’s thoughtful, and she’s loving, and she’s brave. Not just brave in the sense of all of the crazy shit she’s done in the past weeks, but also the way she carries herself. She was able to tell Mac that she’s a lesbian without any fear in her voice. She never backed down even when Mac was an asshole to her. Never let herself falter for even a second.
God, what Mac would do to have a sliver of KJ’s strength when it comes to talking about the now-unavoidable topic of sexuality. Mac’s not even sure she could say the word lesbian in any way that wasn’t derogatory without choking on her own words.
So perhaps jealousy is a part of her enamorment with KJ, but it runs so much deeper than that. Deeper than any regular, platonic friendship would go. There’s no running away from the truth of that.
There’s no running away from the future. Isn’t that what this whole crazy adventure has been trying to teach her?
Did the universe or whatever cruel god that exists see that she was handling the whole dying young thing way too well and decide, “well, this girl needs some sort of emotional torment to go through to make her accept the inevitability of her own future, let’s make her fall in love with her female best friend in a super lesbo way and hate herself for it”? What an asshole move.
Well. For what it’s worth, it was an effective asshole move. She’s not denying the way she loves KJ anymore--it’s hard not to fall in love with your best friend when she’s a super pretty girl who will threaten grown men with knives for you, even after you’ve been a dick to her.
It’s a good thing that KJ is still asleep. Someone as intuitive as her would be able to pick up all of the signs that Mac is wrestling with her own thoughts, and someone as loving and thoughtful as her wouldn’t listen to any dismissive remark Mac would make in response to her asking what’s wrong.
Outside of the consuming thoughts inside of Mac, the sun rises over the futuristic skyline of what was once (or maybe still is?) downtown Cleveland. It’s a gorgeous sight, much prettier than the dim sunrises she’d watch in the time between her paper route and the bus ride to school. It shines on KJ, covering her in warm morning hues.
God, she’s pretty.
“Kaje,” Mac says, softly, testing to see if KJ is able to hear her, or if she’s still out cold. When she doesn’t get a response, Mac lays back on the concrete room, her and KJ’s heads inches away from each other. She doesn’t turn to face her, though, instead keeping her eyes on the way that the darkness of the early morning fades into the soft pinks and oranges of the dawn.
She repeats her name, asks if she’s awake, all in a voice so soft and gentle that she’s surprised it came out of her mouth.
KJ doesn’t stir, which is both relieving and disappointing. Relieving because it gives her a little longer to sort out her mess of emotions, disappointing because… well, she misses KJ.
It hasn’t even been an hour and she’s already missing talking to KJ. Jesus.
But when KJ does wake up, she knows they’ll have to talk -- about what happened, and about what’s going to happen. About how they’re supposed to kiss on this rooftop.
It’s all just more inevitable parts of the future. She can’t stop them from happening, but what she can do is control how they affect her, and what she does after them.
She could take her feelings for KJ and repress them deeply. Hide them underneath the floorboards of her heart, let them gather dust, pretend they never existed. She could tell KJ that she’s not a dyke like her, and make sure she says it with enough venom and disgust that maybe they’ll both be convinced. She could do what she’s always done. It’d be the easiest option.
But, if she was able to muster up even the smallest bit of bravery, a fraction of what KJ has… maybe she could do something different.
She could let her walls down. She could give into her desires; kiss KJ, run her fingers through her hair, be held by her, and tell her, with all the sincerity in the world, that she was the best thing that happened to her, that she loves her.
What would be the point of accepting her early, fateful demise if she spends the few years she has left denying herself of what she knows would make her happy?
Her self doubt can go fuck itself. She’s got a life to live. A short one, sure, fine. But it’s hers, and she won’t waste it.
--
When KJ wakes up and looks at Mac like she’s her everything, her sharp jaw and wispy hair illuminated by the pink sunrise, everything else disappears.
For a moment, all of her self doubt dissipates. The feeling between them, the warmth and electricity and safety that envelops them both, is all that matters.
She’s done running away from the future. It’s time to embrace it--all of it--and so she leans up, puts her hands on KJ’s arms, and kisses her.
It doesn’t matter if this was pre-written in her future. She isn’t doing this because she was told it would happen. She does this because she loves KJ, because she wants to live a life she’s not miserable in, because she is tired of being scared.
For the first time in Mac’s life, she feels free.