Work Text:
-- turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
[TG]: yo john you there
-- ectoBiologist [EB] is an idle chum! --
[TG]: okay not that big a deal
[TG]: i guess i can always just leave this here for when you get back
[TG]: take your time
[TG]: no hurry
[TG]: anyway i guess what i wanna say is
[TG]: and theres really no easy way to say this
[EB]: oh my god, dave, please don't start rapping!
[TG]: fuck you egbert the true depth of what i gotta say cant be tamed
[TG]: i wont take long so these feelings dont stay contained
[EB]: omfg
[TG]: it hurts me to think about going on
[TG]: living my life with you dead and gone
[EB]: dave stop
[TG]: now i know you prolly dont even feel the same way
[EB]: wait what
[TG]: thats okay i can deal youll understand some day
[TG]: i just want you to know that whatever else you do
[TG]: ill always be right here in love with you
[EB]: WHAT????????
[TG]: welp
[TG]: its been good talking to you egbert
[TG]: bros calling me
[TG]: /em is now an idle chum!
[TG]: fuck
-- turntechGodhead [TG] is now an idle chum! --
[EB]: okay, seriously dude, you just fucked up your fake-out idle message.
[EB]: there is literally NO WAY that i'm gonna believe you're idle now.
[EB]: what the HELL was all that about, dude?
-- turntechGodhead [TG] is still an idle chum! really i mean it totally idle here --
[EB]: daaaaaaaave, you're not fooling anyone!
[TG]: god dammit
[TG]: my plan was flawless
[TG]: totally wouldve worked if my middle finger hadnt slipped
[EB]: dude, seriously. what the hell, man?
[TG]: cant a guy rap out his confessions of bromantic affection in peace anymore
[TG]: not every fucking emotional confession has to be a federal issue
[TG]: christ on a unicycle
[TG]: just accept it
[TG]: it is my gift to you
[TG]: and i lost the stupid gift receipt
[TG]: you are stuck with this gift of my confession forever
[TG]: its in the shape of a big fucking albatross
[TG]: perfect for accessorizing
[TG]: birds are so in this season egbert
[EB]: dave, stop dodging my question!
[TG]: what was the question again
[EB]: bluh, you're hopeless!
[EB]: my question was, and i quote because i can copy and paste, "dude, seriously. what the hell, man?"
[TG]: i need context here
[TG]: that what the hell could refer to anything
[EB]: that rap, dave.
[EB]: that rap that ended with a declaration of love.
[EB]: what the hell is that all about?
[TG]: jesus fuck what do you think it was about???
[TG]: it was me
[TG]: saying something ive needed to get off my chest for a while
[EB]: are you fucking serious?
[TG]: no im not fucking sirius im fucking snape
[TG]: his ass is tighter than a fat goth chicks corset
[TG]: yes bro i am fucking serious
[EB]: but dave...
[TG]: if the words i am not a homosexual show up on my screen i will fly over there and punch you in the face egbert
[TG]: newsflash here john
[TG]: love aint got anything to do with sex
[TG]: i do not wanna bone you dude
[EB]: but people who fall in love have sex, dave!
[TG]: not everyone
[TG]: not me
[EB]: i'm not sure i understand, dave!
[EB]: how can you fall in love with someone and not want to sleep with them?
[TG]: im ace dude
[EB]: /eyeroll
[EB]: yeah, i know, you're the best. that doesn't answer my question!
[TG]: fuck you john
[TG]: ace as in asexual
[TG]: no strider boners for the guys or the ladies
[EB]: i'm not following... the whole "how can you be in love with someone and not want them like that" question still stands.
[TG]: god egbert you are dense
[TG]: you can love someone without wanting to poke them with your groinal attachments
[TG]: it works like this
[TG]: i like you
[TG]: i want to kiss you on the face
[TG]: and spend time with you
[TG]: and if we are feeling really into it
[TG]: i would like to cuddle the shit out of you
[TG]: in a platonic but pretty much homo way
[TG]: all that without going anywhere near your junk
[EB]: ...
[EB]: don't we already do that, though? i mean without the face-kissing thing.
[TG]: yeah but you know
[TG]: id kinda like to say were in a relationship or something like that
[TG]: something exclusive because i dont wanna share you dude
[TG]: i wanna be the only one doing those platonic homo cuddles and face kisses
[EB]: well...
[EB]: before i say one way or another, i have a question.
[TG]: shoot
[EB]: i'd still be allowed platonic no-homo snuggles with rose and jade, right?
[TG]: dude if you somehow engaged homoerotic snugglage with your sister or mine
[TG]: we will have to have some serious discussions about the birds and the bees
[TG]: so is that a yes
[TG]: will you
[TG]: john egbert
[TG]: engage in homoromantic relationships without the worry of being shoved into anything uncomfortably sexual
[TG]: with me
[EB]: yes, on one condition.
[TG]: wait are you serious
[EB]: i will hold hands with you and kiss you on the face and engage in totally platonic cuddles, if you let me call you madam cuddlepie
[TG]: you wound me bro
[TG]: my pride says no
[TG]: my heart says yes
[TG]: tell me what to do man
[EB]: just love me, fear me, and i will be your cuddle-slave.
[TG]: did you just make a labyrinth reference dude
[TG]: you know no one is ever gonna believe youre not gay if youre citing bowie at your new boyfriend
[EB]: because having a BOYfriend to quote david bowie at is totally no homo, am i right?
[EB]: jeez, dave.
[EB]: i mean, jeez madam cuddlepie.
[EB]: <3
[TG]: oh are we starting with the shitty emoticon hearts now
[TG]: warn me next time bro
[TG]: i need to mentally prepare myself for that kind of massive commitment
[EB]: madam cuddlepie, i am going to send you another shitty text heart.
[EB]: are you mentally prepared?
[TG]: gimme a sec here
[TG]: okay shoot it at me
[EB]: <33333333
[TG]: dont think i didnt notice how many 3s there were there
[TG]: did you seriously just use spider8itchs typing quirk when declaring your undying emote love for me???
[EB]: maaaaaaaaybe...
[TG]: oh it is on bro
[TG]: im gonna talk like the biggest tool i can possibly think of now
[EB]: ???
[TG]: ALRIGHT YOU MASSIVE GRUBMUNCH.
[EB]: pfffft ahahahahahahahahahahaha
[TG]: WHAT'S SO FUNNY, JOHN HUMAN? YOU THINK MY TEXT IS FUNNY? HOW ABOUT IF I SHIT OUT A RAGE SNAKE ON YOUR SCREEN THAT JUMPS FROM YOUR MONITOR AND STRANGLES YOU. WHAT THEN?
[EB]: Well jeeeeeeeez D8ve!!!!!!!!
[EB]: I guess I'll need to think a8out it!
[TG]: okay this is stupid
[TG]: so when can i come over again dude
[EB]: how about after graduation?
[TG]: im homeschooled dude you know that
[EB]: i meant MY graduation, dumbass!
[TG]: okay so whens that
[EB]: dave, you are hopeless!
[TG]: what can i say dude
[TG]: cant be tamed
[EB]: ugh! my graduation party is in a month, dave!
[TG]: sweet ill be there
-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --
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You really don't know why you agreed to all this. Maybe you still think it's a joke, a prank that Dave's going to spring on you when he actually arrives. But the thought of seeing Dave, spending all that time together in a romantic context but without any pressure to go further... It holds a small, quiet appeal. He's your best friend, and probably even a lot more after all that you've been through together. Why not give it a try? There's only three other people in the entire world that would understand what it's like - might as well see if it works out somehow.
Admittedly, it's a little too late to change your mind now anyway, even if you wanted to. Your dad has already left to go pick up your best-bro-cum-possibly-boyfriend from the airport, which means he's about to land. Even though he only just left, you still can't help but anxiously watch out the window for them. You've outgrown a lot of things in recent years, but your impatience when you know something awesome is on its way was not one of them!
"Fucking Christ, John, get your skinny ass over here and cuddle me." The sudden drawling voice in your room when you thought you were alone makes you jump at least a foot in the air and whirl around. Sprawled out on your bed, looking for all the world like a cranky little kitten wanting affection, is Dave.
"Wait. What? But... your plane hasn't even landed yet!"
Dave hooks one finger over the edge of his shades and pulls them down just enough that you know he's rolling his eyes. "Dude, the Knight of Time is a thing that hasn't stopped happening yet. I just wanted some quality time without your Dad being sweet and trying to make me eat a sandwich because he thinks I'm too skinny. When I get in, I'll walk in on a cuddle-fest, give myself a thumbs-up, and bam. Skip back to here, where you are really stubborn about not getting your scrawny ass over here."
Well, you guess that makes reasonable enough sense. You're still not entirely sure about this cuddling thing, though. He sighs. "John, you're killing me here, bro. Am I gonna have to start rapping about how bad I am jonesing for the sweet embrace of an Egbert? Because I will, John."
"Oh my god, please, Dave, if you start rapping I will rip my own ears off. If cuddles will keep you from devolving into that, then fine." You fidget a little bit before finally joining him on the bed at a reasonably comfortable distance. Almost right away, he attaches to you and drapes himself over your lap. God, he really is like a pushy kitten wanting attention.
Once that thought lodges in your brain, it won't let go. Still feeling a little unsure, you reach down and start running your fingers through Dave's hair. Much to your surprise, it's soft and fluffy, almost like the down on a baby chick. He'd probably hate the comparison, but you resolve to tell him later anyway. Dave shifts in your lap so that he's on his side and curled around your middle, with his face pressed into your stomach. "Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about," he mumbles into your shirt.
Oh man, that tickles! You squirm, trying to get away, but you're pretty well surrounded by Dave. "Haha, dude, don't talk when you've got your face there!"
Oh, no, that was the wrong thing to say. You can feel Dave start grinning against your tummy before opening his mouth again. "Oh my god. This is just too fucking priceless. John Egbert, owner of all the mangrit, is squirming like a little girl because of little ol' me." And then, just to make it worse, he starts laughing.
"Augh, no, Daaaave, no fair!" you cry, trying to worm your way out of his grip. It's useless, though, because he's gone boneless like a cat and there's no budging him. Suddenly, you can feel him nuzzling at your shirt, but it's all too late because he's already got his face pressed up to your bare skin and-- "Argh god dammit noooo!" you yelp when he blows a raspberry right on your stomach. He does it again and you collapse on top of him, both of you laughing.
In retaliation, you try to reach under his shirt and attack his ribs. He makes this really silly squawking sound, almost like an angry bird, and tries to curl up to protect his sensitive parts out of instinct. Of course, it doesn't work and you cackle with glee as you exact your revenge on his ticklish sides.
You finally relent when it seems like he can't breathe, and flop down on the bed next to him. It feels like you should do something else, but... you're really not sure! This is all kind of new to you. "Hey, Dave?"
"Sup, man?" He sounds a little breathless still, and that sort of makes you smile.
"Um, shouldn't we, yanno, do something else?"
Dave rolls over to stare at you, and even through his shades you feel like he's looking at you like the biggest dumbass ever. "Like what?"
And that's where it all makes you feel awkward! You just don't know what you should or shouldn't be doing, or if he wants anything more, or what! "I don't know! What do you wanna do?"
He shrugs at that, pulling you close and just snuggling in. "This is fine. Kinda been stuck in a flying tin can for seven hours just to get here, and that's not counting all the airport bullshittery taking off and landing. S'nice to stretch out." Of course, he says this, but your legs are all kinds of tangled together, and he's not really stretched out at all.
Still feeling at a loss, you tuck his head under your chin (because he's short enough for you to do that since your last growth spurt!) and go back to petting his hair. Even after the day he's had, you can still catch a whiff of the fruity shampoo he must use to keep it so silky. It's... surprisingly nice. You bury your nose in the hair at the very crown of his head and take a deep breath; when you release it, Dave fidgets. "Fuck, dude, I am not a can of paint for your huffing pleasure."
"What? Your hair smells nice. I am just sitting here platonically enjoying the fruits of your hair-care labor." You somehow manage to make it through the last sentence with a straight face and without feeling too weird about talking about sniffing your best bro's hair.
He makes a cute huffing noise. "Whatever. It's weird. It's like you're trying to get high off Strider swag. Are you a creepy Strider-addict, John?"
"Dude, your hair smells like strawberries. Can I not enjoy the scent of strawberries anymore? Or will that make me a creepy Strider-addict?"
"Like what you want, bro, but that's not gonna stop it from being just a little bit creepy when you start huffing my hair." He shifts himself downward until his head is resting closer to your sternum, using your legs for leverage. Somehow, it puts you in mind of a baby koala, and you start laughing all over again.
"Holy shit, dude, I didn't know it would freak you out that bad that I think you smell nice!"
"My god, Egbert, are you just intent on ruining my moment here? I flew seven hours and travelled back in fucking time for this, now drop it or I'll unleash a tickle attack so brutally sicknasty that you will be wracked by gigglefits for the rest of your natural life. Your skin will fall off from how bad this ticklish upbraiding is. You'll--"
"Oh my god!" you groan, cutting him off by going for his sensitive ribs again. Once he squawks, you pull back, reach behind you, grab a pillow, and thump him over the head with it. "Will you just shush?"
"John, can I just state for the record that you are the worst boyfriend ever?" Dave grumbles before clinging to you again.
You roll your eyes and wrap your arms around him. "You say that as you go all baby koala on me. I don't think you mean that at all!"
"Egbert. Shut the fuck up and cuddle me before I hurt you." He's got this almost sulky look on his face that's pretty adorable, but you don't say anything for fear of starting another round of tickle assault.
After a few minutes of allowing him to drape himself all over you, it's time to actually say something. "Jeez, Dave. It's like you're really horny, except for cuddles instead of sex."
Dave snorts, and you're pretty sure you catch a glimpse of him rolling his eyes behind his shades. "John, you have no idea how massive my cuddle-boner for you is."
You can't help it; you laugh. "No way, dude. Your cuddle-boner is like a cocktail weenie compared to the ginormous whale that is my totally homo cuddle-feelings for you. And you know how bitches just love homo-cuddle-whales. I can't keep them off me. You'll have to step up your game, Dave!"
You can feel Dave shifting around, and then he actually lowers his shades a little to look you in the eye. "Dude. You did not just make a reference to that loser troll while comparing your cuddle-boner to mine. I am disowning you. Right the fuck now. You're gonna be forever alone, John."
"I'm pretty sure you mean 'forevver alone,' dude," you say, making a passable effort of imitating a particular sea-troll's accent. "Oh, wwhatevver wwill I do? No one lovves me! Wweh. I guess I'd better find someone else to cuddle..." You pause for dramatic effect. "Like Terezi! I'm going to give Terezi my homo-cuddle-wwhale."
"Dude, you can't give a chick a homo-cuddle-whale," Dave says, staring at you like you've just grown another head. "First, you're a dude. Giving a chick a cuddle-whale automatically makes it no-homo. Second, you're not allowed to leave me for a leetspeaking blind girl obsessed with licking my eyeballs. That breaks all the rules of the bro code."
"Well then how about I do this, instead?" You shove Dave onto his back, then roll on top of him to give him a kiss.
Kissing Dave is... honestly not too different from kissing a girl! His lips are a little chapped, but you don't get that greasy feel from makeup all over your own lips. But aside from that, it's just a kiss. Like any other, except for maybe how Dave doesn't seem to be all that great at it. After a moment, he starts pushing you away, and you pull back to let him catch his breath.
"Dude. You suck at kissing."
He shoves his shades back into place and scowls. "Shut up, dude. That was my first kiss, gimme a little slack." You can see Dave trying to avoid looking like he's staring at you funny. He's done this sort of thing before, when he's really uncomfortable with something.
"Something wrong, Dave?"
"Oh, you know, it's not like some weird guy I met on the internet just deflowered my delicate virgin lips here or anything. I flew half-way across the country to stay at this dude's house and he repays me by vicious tickle torture and defiling my oral purity. And this is after he gave his monstrous cuddle-whale to some other girl. Egbert, you hussy."
Oh jeez, now he's avoiding the subject. Sometimes you hate having Dave as a best friend. Well, boyfriend, now! Still, you wish he'd just tell you what's making him uncomfortable instead of the two of you running around in a big old circle trying not to look the problem in the eye.
Well, you do have him at a disadvantage here, though. You're in a position to tickle-torture him until he spills his guts. Hopefully not literally, though. You don't think either of you really wants to clean that sort of mess up - emotional messes are a lot less nasty to deal with. "Dave. If you don't tell me, I'm going to have to tickle you again."
Dave props himself up on one elbow and gives you a Look with a capital-L over the tops of his shades. "That is a violation of the Geneva Conventions there, Egbert. Using physical torture to coerce me into showing the deepest parts of my heart-guts, revealing all the enemy's secrets... Fuck, man, there's gotta be international laws against that kind of shit."
"Then I'll just have to violate them. Talk, or the tummy gets it!" You wiggle your fingers threateningly, although the effect is probably ruined by the giant stupid grin on your face. Seriously, who could keep a straight face while saying that?
"Egbert, if you opened the dictionary and looked up the word 'gigantic fucking dork,' there would be this picture of you right next to it." He glares at you for a moment before settling his shades back on the bridge of his nose. "All right, stop looking at me with that goofy pedobear stare, I'll 'fess up."
He takes a deep breath that he exhales through his mouth in a huff. "Listen, dude, I'm sure your boxer bacon is grade-A, thick-sliced, lovingly cured, all that happy horseshit, but I was pretty sure I wasn't stuttering when I said that it's pretty much the last part of your anatomy I ever want to make acquaintances with. In fact, the idea of getting up-close and personal with anybody's junk gives me the fucking heebie-jeebies worse than a tentacle monster in a Japanese all-girls high school. I mean, we're talking 'just off the roller coaster for the fifth time oh shit I need a garbage can or all that cotton candy and popcorn and cola is ending up on your shoes dude' kind of bad."
That's... kind of surprising! Dave always jokes and makes sexual references to pretty much anything, you never figured that he'd be freaked out by it. "Um, okay. First, why does that have anything to do with why you looked so freaked out, and second, why do you not like sex?" You admit, you've tried to do at least a little bit of research about asexuals, and the site you went to said that a lot of people were willing to do some things for the sake of their partner. Not that you would really want that from Dave, but still! You're kind of curious.
"Do you seriously have to ask that question? I mean, seriously?" Dave is giving you what you're sure would be a capital-L Look if he weren't wearing his shades. "Think about it, dude: two or more naked people getting all sweaty and rubbing up against each other, swapping germs like they were fucking Pokemon cards or some shit, and then at the end of it all it's body-fluid-bonanza. Fuck. That. Shit. I'm just fine going through my life without any of that, thank you very much."
"Okay, yeah, sex is kind of gross when you put it like that, but it's a natural, normal part of being human! It's supposed to feel good, not make people be uncomfortable." You still don't get why Dave's so against the idea! A lot of the sites you went to said that asexuals could still have and enjoy sex, so it's not like they're broken or anything.
Dave shoves you backwards and then resumes his clingy snuggling act. "Yeah well, it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Straight, gay, lesbian, ace, bi, whatever. Let me lay it out for you this way: what would you do if I told you to suck my dick?"
"Ugh, bluh. Nope. I'd probably punch you if you really meant it." You like having a dick and all, but you don't really want to get up close and personal with anyone else's anytime soon.
"There you go. That feeling right there? Totally normal, and that's how I feel about the whole thing and not just praying at the altar. Get it now?"
Sort of, but not entirely. After all, it's totally normal for a guy to get grossed out by the thought of sucking another guy off. But... to not want sex at all, with anyone, ever? You don't want to make Dave feel like you're being a total dickwad, though, so you nod. Bothering him about it can wait for another time.
"So, if you're grossed out by sex so much, how come you're always joking about it? I mean... Even when you were coming out to me and confessing your totally platonic homolove, you were talking about screwing Harry Potter or whatever."
"I am wounded, bro. You don't even remember that I said I was fucking Snape during my confession?" You can almost see him rolling his eyes. "I crack jokes about it because it is disgusting, dude. My bro thinks rewriting a book to make it about a horse taking a shit is hilarious, what the hell kind of message did you think that sent to me?"
"Dude, gross! Did he really do that?"
"Hell yes. It's considered one of the finest pieces of My Little Pony fanfic to ever grace the internet."
Oh god, no. Dave's about to rant on how epic this disgusting piece of fanfic is, and there's got to be another way to shut him up besides initiating another tickle fight. You really don't want to overdo it, just in case it makes your best bro sick.
Before he can start, you grab the collar of his shirt and yank him up a few inches to start kissing him again. Kissing him isn't bad, even if he does suck at it, and it seems to shut him up well enough. You try to take a hint from his earlier freakout, though, and keep your groins firmly away from each other, no matter how innocent your intent is.
Satisfied that he's not about to ramble on again, you lean back and just wrap your arm around him. You could probably get used to this whole thing, eventually. It's not like you ever minded being close to your best bro in the whole world, so even if you don't want to bone him like there's no tomorrow, you could get behind being something sort of halfway between best bros forever and lifelong married couple.
You're not sure exactly how long you both stay like that, neither one of you really saying anything at all, before your bedroom door is pushed open and Dave just stares at you cuddling with himself. The Dave in your arms gives him a thumbs up and in the span of a blink the one that just arrived is gone. "How do you even know what to do or how far back to go?"
He shrugs and goes all koala on you again, the sound of his voice muffled almost entirely by your chest. "Sorry, madam cuddlepie, I didn't hear that. Mind repeating it again?"
"I said just fucking roll with it, Egbert. I'm here now and time isn't collapsing in on himself so things got done right. What more really needs to be said?"
"How about 'Dave Strider is a humongous assface that needs to put away the luggage his past-self left at my bedroom door'?"