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Atsushi always wanted to live.
It never mattered how many times someone tried to end his life or made him suffer so much at the orphanage he thought he couldn’t survive. He always did with the powers of Byakko. Atsushi always wanted to live just as much as the tiger inside his soul.
So what happened?
He even had a family now, a shelter – ever since meeting Him.. he never had to starve anymore -, a workplace, friends.. everything worked out for him somehow. And he was able to live and survive like he wanted.
But many years of pain and suffering don’t disappear into thin air as soon as you’re out of your toxic environment. That’s probably the main reason why Atsushi – even when he was finally safe – was haunted by his past. Frequent nightmares clouded his mind, not letting him have a peaceful sleep in days, almost in weeks. It’s true that he usually had nightmares before too, but the ones lately were the worst he could possibly imagine. It was often about the principal of the orphanage, his ability or his loved ones getting hurt and leaving him. The restless nights started to catch up on him and it showed in his appearance too. His pale skin became dull compared to the glow it once had. It became harder to get himself together every morning, he felt like he was being chained to the ground and pulled down everytime he had to get up. The bags under his eyes became the most noticable though, the dark shadows under his beautiful sunset eyes did not match well together.
He became more quiet as the days passed. He really tried hard to maintain his image of being the positive young man he should be. But his smile never really reached his eyes. Nevertheless, he always tried. Buying a bit of makeup to hide his dark circles, practicing in front of the mirror to behave normally because he knew he is a terrible liar if anyone asked if he is okay. He is working with detectives, it would be hard to trick them of course.
One day while walking to the office, Dazai came up behind him and placed his arm around Atsushi’s shoulder.
- Hey Atsushi-kun! What a beautiful morning, isn’t it? – Dazai inquired as he carefully observed the tiger. Atsushi unconciously leaned into the touch of his mentor, even if Atsushi himself didn’t notice this because of his exhausted state. It felt natural to be so close to Dazai. He always found his safe place with this strange man and breathing became a little easier with having Dazai by his side. His heart felt lighter and happier.
- Oh Dazai-san! Good morning. How come that you’re going to the office in this hour? You’re usually late. – Atsushi asked suspiciously with a light smile.
It wasn’t a common sight seeing Dazai is on time for work. Pretty strange.
- Ah Atsushi-kun! – Dazai started with a dramatic sigh – I thought you had more faith in me!
Atsushi stayed quiet. Dazai always worried him. With the acts and jokes Dazai put up every day, sometimes he reminded Atsushi of a performer. How much energy does this take for him to hide his real self? As Atsushi started to do the same for days now at work to not worry others about his behaviour, he started to understand it a little bit more.
But sometimes he had the chance to see Dazai’s rare real smiles that he found so much more beautiful than the fake mask he hid behind. While being deep in his thoughts, Atsushi didn’t notice that Dazai suddenly stopped. His arms were no longer around Atsushi and he was a few steps behind him.
- Hey Atsushi-kun. – Dazai said in a serious tone. His bangs covered his eyes so Atsushi couldn’t quite see what his expression looked like. – Have you been eating enough?
Oh. Right. Atsushi kind of forgot about food too.
Of course Dazai noticed. For days now he carefully watched Atsushi and looked out for him. He tried to make things easier for him even if he didn’t quite know how to do it or what was exactly troubling the sweet boy. When Atsushi was sent on a mission last time Dazai was up and ready to go with him. Atsushi isn’t going alone. He had a bad feeling that something might distract Atsushi – especially since he is being rather clumsy these days – and if he gets seriously injured and nobody is there… well that certainly won’t happen. Atsushi stays safe. Dazai will make sure of that.
Of course this didn’t go unnoticed by the others at the agency. Even Kunikida was surprised with the sudden motivation Dazai had for certain missions and tasks that involved Atsushi but everyone knew what was the real reason. It’s no secret that Dazai has a very special place for Atsushi in his heart.
Dazai noticed how the younger man started to look skinnier than before and his face became more hollow in these past few days. He decided it’s time to be more straightforward now because Atsushi isn’t getting better on his own.
- Of course! I just had breakfast with Kyouka-chan this morning. – Atsushi answered with a fake laugh while scratching his head.
Damn, you’re really bad at lying. – Dazai thought - Kyouka isn’t even at town. Did you forget Atsushi? Are you this exhausted?
Stop lying to me. Please. It hurts to see you like this.
- Atsushi-kun. – Dazai sighed disappointedly – If you’re not feeling well, tell me. I’m here to listen. – Dazai said as he finally looked up at the dull eyes of his white haired angel. Before Atsushi could deny anything or worse, came up with an other miserable excuse, Dazai suddenly took Atsushi’s hand in his and started walking to the office in a faster pace. They silently intertwined their hands during the walk.
- Thank you, Dazai-san. – said Atsushi quietly while smiling a little bit. Dazai only squeezed his hand a little tighter as a response. They will be fine.
Oh how mistaken Dazai was. Atsushi did not come to him when he wasn’t feeling well.
The next time Atsushi’s insomnia became even more severe. Four nights have gone by with him just staring at the ceiling. This is currently the fifth one. He could barely function anymore as his distant eyes stared out to the city’s beautiful view sometimes to find some peace in the sound of passing cars and late night bars’ noises. Everything in his life is fine but everything feels so wrong at the same time. He should be fine but he isn’t and.. why is he like this?! He could cry he was so exhausted. Also extremely tired of himself already. He covered the mirror in his apartment as it was impossible for him to look at himself anymore. At this point hallucinations of his worst memories haunted him even while working. He also couldn’t remember the last time he ate a decent meal. But Atsushi still had to get up again the next morning. Again.. How long can he go on like this?
It was already the end of the day at the office. Atsushi was still finishing the last bits of his reports as the sun began to set behind the horizon. Everyone had already finished their own work so it was only Atsushi. Or at least he thought so.
Suddenly a cup of tea was placed next to him and soft hands ruffled his silver hair.
Oh. It’s You. – Atsushi thought happily, golden eyes peeking up. - Da..? – He started saying, but quickly stopped as he looked at the brunet’s expression. Dark eyes looked back at him with so much worry, Atsushi tried to remember if he ever saw Dazai looking at him like this before.
- Atsushi-kun. – Dazai smiled warmly, trying to hide his previous state of worry – Why don’t you drink a little? – He said as he grabbed his own mug and sat down next to Atsushi.
- Thank you Dazai-san.
They drank in a comfortable silence as the sun set behind them, gentle warm colors washing over the office. Dazai glanced at Atsushi, smiling to himself. He suits the sunset so much.
On his way back home Atsushi decided to try something else to ease his pain. Nothing else worked so why not just give up? He decided to stop at a shop and buy a few bottles of hard liquor and wine. Wine should make you more sleepy, if this won’t work either nothing else will. After buying everything he wanted he made it home. It was already late at night when he locked his front door. He put down the few bottles he bought.
Really, Dazai is so so sweet. But there is a limit to Atsushi’s sanity too and it really came to an end. He tried to hold back crying whenever he could and surpress all of his negative emotions to not worry anyone, and he felt like it would be a burden to share his deepest fears and nightmares with anyone. Especially Dazai. He already helped Atsushi so much, what more he could ask for? It would be too much for anyone to deal with such a waste of space. Just an unnecessary addition to this world. Right. That’s what he was. Atsushi’s soft sniffing and quiet cries were the only thing that could be heard in the apartment. He was alone again. Kyouka wasn’t there now thankfully. He doesn’t have to worry about making a scene in front of her. It was good because Atsushi’s cries were getting louder and soon turned into full blown sobs.
He went through two full bottles of wine and it only resulted in him getting drunk. No sleepiness, only fatigue, a strong headache and a clouded mind. He tried sitting up slowly and grabbed the nearest surface so he could lean on it. Really, how miserable can someone get? There are much healthier ways to deal with emotions, not just destroying yourself but tonight that wasn’t the case. What would Dazai think of him now?
Slowly Atsushi got to his bathroom. He wanted to wash his face at least to feel less hot. He was certain there was no water left in him after all the crying. Maybe it would be a good idea to drink some water too but it felt like it would only make him sicker so he decided against it. Probably something he would regret in the morning.
Upon reaching his bathroom, he remembered how he covered it previously with a small blanket. He yanked it down and finally looked in the mirror for the first time in a while. Bloodshot red eyes looking back at him with his skin red around his eyes and nose in addition to the heavy dark circles he already had. He might have lost some weight too? He didn’t really feel it anymore.
Suddenly a bad idea came to him. He knew it won’t be good for him but now he felt like nothing else could bring him peace at the moment. Atsushi reached for scissors in the drawer and took the sharp edges of it and started to drag it across his skin. He really shouldn’t do this. But it felt nice. It felt like he was finally in control of something. Minutes passed as he drew more and more lines into his arms. Blood started dripping into the sink, the floor and it stained his white shirt too. His powers usually heal him quickly, so he thought he can go as heavy as he wants to. After feeling satisfied enough with it, Atsushi finally put down the scissors. There were so many cuts and all of them were pretty deep. He felt extremely light headed but he experienced worse. It would be fine. The pain was relieving but after a while he noticed how the wounds didn’t heal. His wounds always healed before.. but now Atsushi didn’t really feel like he wanted to live anymore. No, he can’t do this. What would Kyouka think when she comes back and Atsushi is dead? He can’t put her through that. Also Dazai...
Atsushi’s vision started to blur and he felt like he might collapse soon. What if he doesn’t wake up? He still had something important to tell Dazai. Atsushi can’t die without Dazai knowing how appreciated he is because no one else is there for this man. At this point Atsushi can’t think straight. Really what is he doing with himself?! He had to fix this. But he needs help right now or this might be it. If he lets himself die now, Dazai would probably blame himself for a long time.. or would he care at all? But there is no time to think about this for now, he can’t back down and let himself bleed out. Panicked, he rushed out from his bathroom as quickly as he can with his stumbling, feeling very sick from the headache, the blood loss, and everything else overall. As he grabbed the kitchen table on the way out to steady himself, the empty bottles fell over and shattered to the ground into small little pieces.
- Great. This is what I needed now anyways… - Atsushi mumbled to himself. There was no time to clean this up so he rushed to the door, trying to avoid the glass pieces on the floor but failing to do so. He was probably making a lot of noise, the walls aren’t exactly the thickest around here. He didn’t know if he will be able to make it past his door. He wanted to get to Dazai to at least see him one last time.
Finally reaching the door and taking the door knob, he turned it and he was so thankful no one was outside at this hour.. what could it be? 3-4am? Atsushi had no idea. He stepped out, slowly heading to Dazai’s door. He felt so nauseous. What he didn’t notice is that he was leaving droplets of blood at the path where he walked on. From cutting himself already numerous times and also accidentally stepping into glass shreads, leaving his feet bleeding too.
Reaching Dazai’s door, Atsushi took the remaining energy he had to knock on his door once. Oh no this might have been a bad idea. Should he go back? But Dazai told him to come to him if he doesn’t feel well. And he really isn’t well now. Ah, this really was a bad idea. He was still drunk and his mind was so hazy. With the blood loss taking a toll on him, he started to see black spots as his vision darkened. He could barely register the door slowly opening. Dazai was opening the door. Oh no, Atsushi definitely fucked up, he shoudn’t have come here.
- Atsu.. – Dazai started but his whole body froze in that moment. Wide blown eyes looked at Atsushi with terror before his deep brown eyes started glaring at him heavily. There is no way.. he quickly took in Atsushi’s state, deep cuts covering his arms, slowly closing eyes, tear stained cheeks, blood stained shirt.. it was also clear that Atsushi was probably drunk. Dazai quickly reached out to try and steady Atsushi by holding his shoulders at least.
- D..Dazai-san.. I.. – Atsushi started but he couldn’t finish his sentence as he finally collapsed in front of Dazai’s door. Panicked, Dazai started to hold Atsushi before he could hit the ground and he fell to his knees with him to the floor while holding Atsushi close to his chest. This was not good.
Dazai quickly looked around to see if anyone was there to see Atsushi and only then he noticed the bloody path which Atsushi left after himself. Damn he probably lost too much blood.
He quickly brought Atsushi inside of his apartment and placed him down on his own futon. Dazai noticed how easy it was to lift up Atsushi. He should’ve checked on him sooner and then he could have avoided seeing his loved one in such a horrible state.
- Atsushi-kun! Hey Atsushi-kun! – Dazai called out to him while lightly tapping his face to get some kind of reaction out of him. Nothing. Dazai didn’t even notice how he started shaking from his panic. Checking Atsushi’s pulse, he was relieved to find a subtle heartbeat. Not strong but it was still there and that is what matters. Atsushi survived worse attacks, so why was this taking such a toll on his body? Was it somehow related to his mental state? There was no time for this now. Dazai grabbed bandages from his drawer and started wrapping it around Atsushi’s arms to at least stop the bleeding. Atsushi just needs time. His powers will heal him, Dazai knew that. Atsushi had a will to live, otherwise he wouldn’t have knocked on his door and reached out to him at all.
- I only have him left. Please don’t take him away yet. – Dazai whispered.
After half an hour of Atsushi still being unconcious, Dazai checked the bandages again. Dazai was sitting beside him with his knees pulled up to his chest throughout the entire time, not moving from Atsushi’s side. Slowly unwrapping the blood soaked bandages, he inspected if the tiger is really healing Atsushi or not. Thankfully, the wounds started to get better. He knew it. Dazai slowly brushed Atsushi’s bangs away from his face while smiling down at him fondly. This boy had to live and the tiger knew it too. He changed the bandages again to clean ones and waited for Atsushi to finally wake up. But what he should say to him when he wakes up? As the hours passed, Dazai drifted to sleep as well.
Slowly opening his eyes Atsushi started to regain consciousness. There wasn’t much light in the room, he looked around and it was indeed already dark outside. He had no idea how much he missed out on.. How long has he been out? He started to sit up but he couldn’t. Something was holding him down.. He looked at his side to see Dazai clinging to his arm, holding it close and sleeping peacefully. How sweet of him. Atsushi also noticed the fresh bandages on both of his arms. He sighed deeply. What he put Dazai through just because he wasn’t able to deal with his emotions alone..
- You’re overthinking again. – Dazai said suddenly, looking up at Atsushi’s obscure look. Atsushi – a bit startled, wasn’t he sleeping like a minute ago?! – gazed into the beautiful mahogany eyes. How easy it was to feel home with him is ridiculous. Atsushi never had a home but wherever Dazai was it became one.
Dazai sat up but still didn’t let go of Atsushi’s arm. Atsushi took Dazai’s hand in his to intertwine their hands once again.
- Thank you, Dazai-san. For taking care of me again... – he pointed at the bandages on both of his arms - ... it looks like we’re matching now. - Atsushi smiled and took Dazai’s other hand in his too. Atsushi looked relaxed and happy with holding his world in his hands, but Dazai looked rather somber.
- Atsushi-kun – Dazai started – I know what you wanted to do. But hear me out now and listen well of what I’m going to say. – He said, expression serious.
- Alright. – Atsushi squeezed their hands together tighter. As a response, Dazai pulled Atsushi close to his chest and let both of them fall back to the futon. Atsushi fell back with a startled yelp but soon relaxed into his touch. Dazai put the boy’s head under his chin and started stroking his hair as he began speaking.
- You see Atsushi-kun. One day everything becomes equal to the Earth. You and me. But I’m begging you don’t leave before it’s your time. I know this sounds very hypocritical from me but you need to understand this. No one thinks of you as a burden. This world needs you. This city. And.. I need you. I am a bad person – at that Atsushi wanted to protest so he raised his head up a bit to speak but Dazai just pulled him closer to stop him – but then you said I was good without hesitation. See? Even now. I already know what you wanted to do. – He laughed quietly. Atsushi blushed a little. – Beside you I can always be good. You showed me something I thought I could never have.. so please Atsushi-kun.. Stay. I will help you through this too. I really don’t know what I would do without you.
- You don’t have to know. But Dazai-san.. I worry about you too. - Atsushi whispered in a gentle loving tone. – Please when you’re feeling bad come to me as well. I’ll be there for you. I don’t want you to go either. Beautifully or not.. – at Dazai’s questioning gaze he continued - .. remember when we watched the fireworks? That night I was so scared. That you would drown yourself again and I wouldn’t be there. So I waited by the river the entire night. – Dazai’s eyes softened and started to look glossy. Atsushi really did care for him, didn’t he? Dazai tightened the hug they shared. – But luckily you weren’t there. I’m always scared of not paying attention for a while and losing you. If that happened I couldn’t.. I know I’m selfish but I can’t let you leave. – Dazai was honestly really touched. Atsushi could always surprise him even after this long.
- I see.. How about this.. Lets make an agreement. A promise, if you will. We will care for each other and if either of us feel bad, like today, we will go to each other right away. – Dazai suggested.
- That sounds .. okay.
- Good. It’s a promise then.
- Promise.
It was always so obvious. They are for each other to heal and love.