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Izuku is going to have a stroke. Which isn’t a new thing, he’s kind of been on the cusp of a complete mental breakdown since he was thirteen years old. But if he’s being honest, he’s just never been under this kind of mental duress. Izuku was already confused about all things Todoroki, because what is his sense of humor, and how much of what he says is sarcasm and how much of it isn’t? With Todoroki, Izuku can never tell. And out of his friends, he’s considered the official Todoroki-translator! Izuku isn’t sure what he’s going to do in this situation. This is worse than the time Kirishima asked Kacchan if he wanted to train together by saying he was going to ‘get hard’ and then asked if Kacchan ‘wanted to join.’
Listen. Izuku did not need to be there for that.
Unfortunately, Izuku does need to be here for this. Because when Todoroki needs advice, he comes to Izuku, and the same applies vice versa. Which is mainly because Iida is terrible at giving advice, and anything you say to Ochako will go to every single one of the girls. Which means it will eventually go to Kacchan because he’s basically an honorary Class A girl, and most of the time Izuku and Todoroki are talking about Kacchan, so.
Case in point, right now.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” Todoroki says from his spot, lying horizontally on the bed with his head on Izuku’s lap. He’s gesturing to the ceiling, looking far too disturbed for what he’s talking about.
“Try,” Izuku suggests. Todoroki furrows his eyebrows as he thinks.
“So, Bakugou,” Todoroki finally starts, “I like him.”
“Everyone knows that, Todoroki,” Izuku tells him, “you’ve told me this multiple times. The entire class is trying to get you two together. If you could just use your eyes for, like, one second, you would see that all of this stressing isn’t necessary because Kacchan likes you back. It’s kind of obvious, really.”
“There is no way you’re right,” Todoroki shakes his head, “he just admitted that we’re friends and we’ve known each other for a year and a half.”
“Kacchan’s emotionally stunted,” Izuku reminds. And he’s been ranting to me about you for the past three months. “He doesn’t know how to handle friendship.”
“That’s true,” Todoroki concedes, “he took such a long time to get used to Kirishima always being around him. But just because he’s emotionally repressed doesn’t mean he likes me back.”
“Okay, but,” Izuku says, “consider this. Maybe Kacchan does like you back.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” Todoroki deadpans with a completely straight face, despite the way Izuku can tell Todoroki is genuinely exasperated. Maybe he is the Todoroki-translator. “I can’t deal with Bakugou anymore. He’s too, like-”
Todoroki’s hands flail uselessly.
“Use your words,” Izuku uses the most condescending tone he can. Todoroki glares at him, except that his glare consists of the smallest narrowing of his eyes and exactly no other changes. Todoroki is scarily expressionless, except for when he’s with Kacchan. When the two of them are together, Kacchan can bring out smile after smile on Todoroki’s face. And Todoroki was the first person since Izuku when he was seven to see Kacchan’s real smile. Even Kirishima couldn’t coax it out before Todoroki.
“I hate you,” Todoroki lies, “it’s just that I spend so much time with Bakugou. Now that we’re friends, I can’t help but look at him. I just want to, like, caress his face.”
Izuku splutters. “You want to what?”
“Well, I’m ace, so I’m not horny for him,” Todoroki continues, “I’m not you.”
Which is fair. Izuku‘s had a platonic boner for Kacchan since always.
“So you want to caress his face,” Izuku says flatly.
“Bakugou just gives me these urges,” Todoroki explains, “but they’re not sexual. Whenever I see him I want to get down on one knee and propose, you know? I look into Bakgou’s eyes and I want to take bullets for him. I want to hold him in my arms.”
“It is so weird talking to people who don’t get horny,” Izuku jokes, “you’re really into Kacchan, then. Every time you look at him you want to propose?”
“Sometimes I think about what our babies would look like.”
“I used to do that when we were kids,” Izuku nods, “I used to think about marrying Kacchan before I realized I was aromantic and what I was dreaming about was literally just close friendship but we’re legally bound and sharing a bank account.”
“Queerplatonic marriage is valid,” Todoroki shrugs, “and just letting you know, the lack of shame you have in your hardon for Bakugou is uncomfortable for everyone.”
“I know,” Izuku shrugs, “anyway. We were talking about you?”
“Yes,” Todoroki nods, “I think I’m in love with Bakugou, Midoriya.”
“I know, Todoroki,” Izuku puts a hand on Todoroki’s head, “we all know. Once you get to the fantasizing about a committed long-term relationship part, it’s normally love.”
“This is the worst feeling I have ever encountered,” Todoroki groans, “I wish I could go back to being uncaring and emotionless. That was a lot less hard. Now, every time Bakugou looks at me I get this weird mushy feeling in my heart. It’s gross.”
“It’s love,” Izuku grins, “looooove.”
“It makes me want to do things,” Todoroki complains, “like allo people with their weird sexual thoughts. Except for me, it’s like, different.”
“Elaborate,” Izuku demands, “I don’t do romance.”
“Okay,” Todoroki thinks for a moment, “you know the gently holds meme?”
Izuku nods.
“I want to do that,” Todoroki says, “to Bakugou.”
“You want to…” Izuku processes, “gently hold...Kacchan?”
“Yes,” Todoroki nods emphatically, “exactly.”
Izuku sighs. “Todoroki. Just confess.”
“But-”
“No arguing,” Izuku scolds, “if I have to hear one more rant about Kacchan again, I am going to commit a murder. Most likely yours.”
“That’s hypocritical,” Todoroki rolls his eyes, except for him it’s more like his eyes twitch for a second, “you’re half the reason I like Bakugou. Every day it’s Kacchan this, Kacchan that, Kacchan’s so amazing, I love him more than anything in the world-”
“Okay, we get it,” Izuku laughs, “sorry, Todoroki. That was hypocritical of me. But I seriously think you should confess, Todoroki. It would be good for both of you. Not to mention that you’re both ace, which makes everything way easier.”
“True,” Todoroki nods, “are you sure he likes me back?”
Yes, Izuku thinks. But that’s not his secret to give away fully.
“Pretty sure,” Izuku answers instead, “but either way, he’ll be nice about it. Well, as nice as Kacchan can be. You’ve got nothing to lose, Todoroki. Just go for it.”
“You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take,” Todoroki deadpans. He heard that one when Kaminari was trying to convince Kirishima to let him use his lighting on Kirishima's hardened body to see what would happen. The result was pretty much exactly what you’d expect. That is to say, nothing good.
“Uh, yeah, exactly,” Izuku figures it’s close enough, “come on, Todoroki! Do it!”
Todorodki heaves an overdramatic sigh. “Fine. I’ll do it.”
“YES!” Izuku screeches, almost toppling off the bed. Todoroki does fall off the bed, and looks up at Izuku from the floor with the most affronted look on his face. Which, for him, is a subtly raised eyebrow, signaling his utter disappointment.
“Sorry,” Izuku pouts, “I love you?”
Todoroki huffs and looks down, grumbling. “I love you too.”
“Deku!” Kacchan screeches, right before busting Izuku’s door open without asking permission to come in. Izuku sighs, there goes his second stroke of the day.
“Yes, Kacchan?” Izuku asks as sweetly as he can to hide the annoyance in his tone.
“Don’t be like that, Deku,” Kacchan rolls his eyes, and Izuku remembers that Kacchan can read him well enough to always know his real feelings about something.
“What do you want, Kacchan?” Izuku asks, “the same as usual?”
“I am having a fucking crisis,” Kacchan says, inviting himself onto Izuku’s bed and flopping on his back. Izuku sits next to him, putting a hand in his spiky hair and stroking it while sighing condescendingly as he can. Kacchan glares at him and Izuku just grins cheekily back. Nothing is more fun than antagonizing Kacchan.
“Okay,” Izuku relents, finally, “tell me about your crisis.”
“It’s that fucking Half and Half bastard,” Kacchan growls.
“Do you have to say ‘half and half bastard’ every time?”
“Bastard is part of the nickname!”
“But sometimes you just call me Deku or nerd without the shitty in front of it.”
“This isn’t about you, shitty nerd Deku!”
“Yes, of course,” Izuku sighs, “this is about you and your monster crush on Todoroki that you won’t do anything about because you’re emotionally stunted and an abomination to society who cannot talk to people. You’re a walking disaster, Kacchan, but so is Todoroki. What’s the worst that could happen if you confessed?”
Kacchan looks at him, incredulous. “I get fucking rejected?”
Izuku snorts. “Who could possibly reject you, Kacchan?”
“Literally any sane fucking person,” Kacchan answers, “you’re biased, your opinion isn’t valid. Dry Ice would be fuckin’ smart to reject me.”
“Kacchan,” Izuku sighs, “you don’t have to be this worried! I know you’re still insecure no matter how hard you try not to be, but I’m telling you it’ll be okay! I can’t stand listening to one more of your rants, and I’m sure Todoroki would react perfectly fine if you just confessed to him. Be honest, tell him how you feel.”
“That sounds like a lot of fucking work,” Kacchan complains.
“Yeah, romance sounds terrible,” Izuku agrees, “but you have to do it at some point, Kacchan. There’s no point in suffering forever.”
Kacchan lets out a loud groan, and then rolls onto his stomach so he can scream into Izuku’s pillow. Izuku just pats his back and waits for him to talk again.
“I hate this,” Kacchan furrows his brows, “fuckin’ crushes and whatever. God, I hate that word. Crush. So fucking dumb. I hate it. I take one look and Dry Ice and I-”
“Want to propose to him on the spot?”
“What?” Kacchan raises an eyebrow, “no, what the fuck? Dry Ice walks into a room and I think about how fucking hot he is.”
“Ah,” Izuku nods, “really? Even though you don’t do sexual attraction?”
“Every part of me except for attraction is sexual,” Kacchan responds, “and anyone with eyes can see that Dry Ice is hot as fuck. If we weren’t both ace-”
“Please don’t tell me what you would do if you weren’t ace,” Izuku interrupts.
“Shut up, shitty Deku, I’m telling you,” Kacchan starts, “I would seduce that motherfucker so hard. But since the idea of a dick up my ass sounds absolutely fucking horriyfing, I have to actually use words instead of just showing my muscles.”
“Could you show your muscles anyway?” Izuku perks up at the mention of them, “maybe talk to Todoroki shirtless a lot, but only when I’m in the room-”
“Deku, shut up! Stop being horny for one fucking second!”
“Sorry!” Izuku laughs, “I’m sorry. You keep going.”
“Anyway,” Kacchan glares at Izuku pointedly, “I actually came to you for something. I need your goddamn advice. You’re good with words, how the fuck do I confess without sounding sarcastic or like an asshole or something?”
“You want love advice?” Izuku raises an eyebrow, “from me?”
“I’ve given you sex advice,” Kacchan reminds, “it’s the same fuckin’ thing.”
“That’s true,” Izuku muses, “you’re just really good at sex advice for some reason.”
“It’s all that shitty fanfiction Human Phone Charger makes me read,” Kacchan grimaces, “I will never get some of those images out of my fucking head.”
“I’m sure your dirty mind has come up with worse,” Izuku shrugs, “and by the way, maybe don’t make a bunch of sex jokes in a love confession. Just saying.”
“Why the hell would I do that?”
“It’s you, Kacchan. Why the hell do you do anything? Why’d you pick on me for ten years? Why’d you take Kirishima’s hand when we rescued you and not mine? Why-”
“Oh my God, Deku, shut up. I despise you with a burning passion.”
“I know, Kacchan,” Izuku pats his best friend’s back, “here. How about I give you some actual advice for a good confession? Judging solely from the large amounts of shitty romcoms and YA novels I’ve seen and read. And also Uraraka and Mina’s relationship.”
“Okay, Deku,” Kacchan sighs, “hit me. Not fucking literally, you idiot!" he adds when Izuku powers up OFA. Izuku sighs and lowers his arm.
“Well, you could just tell Todoroki that you love him and leave it at that,” Izuku suggests, “sometimes a short and sweet confession is all you need.”
“Who said anything about love?” Kacchan screeches, “I don’t love Dry Ice!”
“Um,” Izuku blinks, “yeah, you do. You don't spend three months agonizing over how to confess to someone who you just kind of like. And I know you have a note on your phone with plans for your joint hero agency. I’ve seen it. And frankly, I’m offended. I thought we were going to have a hero agency together!”
“Let me have my fuckin’ fantasies!” Kacchan argues.
“Imagine having fantasies about becoming hero partners,” Izuku contemplates that idea, “all my fantasies are about pecs belonging to a name I will not disclose.”
“Deku. We all know it’s me.”
“Okay, Kacchan, look,” Izuku changes the subject, “it’s fine if you don’t love Todoroki yet, but you probably are eventually going to. And knowing the two of you, I don’t think either of you are going to have the patience for any type of long speech. So really, I’d just say ‘hey, Todoroki-”
“Half and Half bastard.”
“-oh my God, fine. Hey, Half and Half bastard, I like you. Would you want to go on a date with me?”
“I wouldn’t phrase it like a question,” Kacchan shakes his head, “if I confess to someone, it’s gonna be so damn good they have to accept.”
“That’s, um,” Izuku mutters, “not how a confession works…”
But Kacchan’s apparently already made up his mind, because he jumps up from Izuku’s bed and starts walking out the door. “I’m gonna make that Half and Half bastard fucking love me!”
“Be respectful, Kacchan!”
“Hah? Fuck you, shitty Deku! And thanks for the fucking advice!”
“You’re welcome, Kacchan!” Izuku says brightly, right before the door slams shut.
Izuku sighs and relaxes on his bed, until he sees the text from Todoroki that reads ‘I’m going to confess now, Midoriya. Wish me luck. Sincerely, Todoroki.”
‘You don’t have to sign texts with your name, but good luck!!!!”
And then Izuku realizes he just sent Kacchan and Todoroki to confess to each other, at the same time.
Oh, he has to see this.
Izuku uses his quirk to speed around the dorms until he finds Todoroki and Kacchan. They're both walking into the common room from two different directions. Todoroki’s walking through the front door, having just come back from working out or something. Kacchan is walking from Izuku’s room to the common room, a determined look on his face. Izuku hides behind a wall and watches, grinning giddily. He considers recording it, but then remembers that Kacchan would murder him and Todoroki is too good for Izuku to mess with.
“Oh, Bakugou,” Todoroki looks up and sees him, “hello.”
“Half and Half bastard,” Kacchan greets, “I have some shit to say to you.”
“Oh,” Todoroki says, “me too, actually. You can go first, if you like.”
“I don’t take orders from you!”
Dammit, Kacchan. Put away your pride for one second!
Thankfully, Todoroki just looks amused. “Fine, then. I can go first.”
“No fucking way!” Kacchan argues, “I’ll go first, you bastard!”
Todoroki just sighs, but it’s not the exasperated way Izuku sighs at Kacchan. Instead it’s kind of dreamy, the type of sigh that means I don’t know why I put up with you but I also know that if you weren't in my life it would be meaningless.
“Okay,” Todoroki makes a go on gesture, “what’s up?”
Kacchan stutters for a moment, and Izuku watches as his entire face turns a nice shade of pink. He clears his throat for a second, obviously trying to gain back some kind of air of confidence, and Todoroki just watches on with confusion.
“Half and Half bastard!” Kacchan finally shouts, “you’re in love with me!”
Izuku facepalms. Kacchan curses.
“Fuck,” he says, “that’s not what I wanted to say-”
“I am,” Todoroki interrupts coolly, “that’s actually what I came here to say. I am very much in love with you, Bakugou. How did you figure it out?”
“I-” Kacchan looks momentarily lost for words, “I didn’t! I was trying to say that I’m fucking in love with you! Godammit, I don’t have just a stupid crush on you, it’s more than that! I do think about proposing to you whenever I see you! Shitty Deku was right! God, I hate that fucker!”
“Ha!” Izuku mutters to himself, “I know Kacchan better than he knows himself. Another point to me.”
“I also think about proposing to you whenever I see you,” Todoroki responds, “but we should probably go on at least a few dates first.”
“One date,” Kacchan crosses his arms, “I don’t do patience.”
“Three dates,” Todoroki counters, “isn't the rule that you have sex on the third date? Since we’re both ace, we get married on the third date.”
“So then would the third date just be the fucking wedding?”
“YES,” Todoroki nods emphatically, “yes, please.”
“Fine,” Kacchan says, “it’s a deal.”
Todoroki extends his hand. Kacchan shakes it. Both of them are red in the face, despite carrying themselves with the calm air of two, like, accountants or something.
Izuku frowns, confused. “Did I witness a love confession or business transaction?”
“Oi, shitty Deku!” Kacchan suddenly screams, “I know you’re fuckin’ eavesdropping! Me and Dry Ice are gonna make out now! Don’t you dare watch!”
“I’m not that horny!” Izuku squeaks, coming out from his corner, “but congrats, guys! Weirdest love confession ever, but I’m happy you’re together! At least Kacchan didn’t make any sex jokes and Todoroki didn’t say the ‘gently holds’ thing!”
Kacchan raises an eyebrow. “What gently holds thing?”
“Oh God,” Izuku mutters as Todoroki speaks.
“You know the gently holds meme?”
“Obviously,” Kacchan nods.
“I want to do that,” Todoroki says, “to you.”
“You want to,” Kacchan’s eyes narrow in confusion, “...gently hold me?”
In answer, Todoroki holds out his arms. Kacchan glances from Todoroki to Izuku, and then says something Izuku was not expecting.
“Fine,” Kacchan says, “but not with Deku here. Get out, shitty nerd.”
“Awww,” Izuku pouts, “but I want to see you two hug!”
“No,” Kacchan points to the door, “get out.”
“Fine,” Izuku huffs, and leaves the common room. But he stops halfway up the stairs to the dorms, and peers down into the room where Todoroki and Kacchan are standing. Izuku looks just in time to see Kacchan reluctantly step into Todoroki’s arms, and Todoroki does indeed gently hold him. Kacchan even hugs back, his arms slowly coming around Todoroki's waist until they're genuinely hugging. Izuku smiles to himself; it's incredibly sweet. Plus, he never has to hear another pining rant from either of them again. He’s finally free.
Kacchan looks up from Todoroki's shoulder and sees Izuku spying on them. Kacchan gives him the finger.