Archive of Our Own ^beta

“You only have to go once,” his mum said. Seokjin didn’t feel like going, not even if it was only one time. But he was always trying to please his mum. It was some sort of psychological thing about being the second child. “Your hyung is already married and he and daughter in law are already planning to have their first child. He was already married when he was your age, you know.”

There it was. The psychological thing. Trying to please his mum all the time because he was always being compared to his hyung. It didn’t matter that Seokjung was two years older or that he and Seokjin were completely different people or that Seokjung wasn’t an idol. No. What mattered was that Seokjung was already married and that he and his wife were planning on having a kid. And now it was Seokjin’s turn to do the same.

Lately, whenever Seokjin went to his parents’ house it was always the same thing. He’d shut himself in his room to sleep and play games until late at night. Occasionally, he and his parents would have dinner together, where mostly his mum would do the talking while Seokjin’s dad would stare at his phone. It had been different when he was growing up. Back then it was noisy and chaotic, and he’d often find his parents enjoying a bottle of wine after dinner. It had been fun.

Now his mum seemed to be more concerned about Seokjin’s love life—or lack of.

“I’ll check my schedule and see what I can do,” Seokjin replied. He was not intending to do any of that. In fact, he forgot about the whole ordeal after he went back to the dorm. That was until he started getting texts and calls from his mum to remind him about the blind date.

Seokjin usually replied with simple things like, “I’m really busy, mum,” (which was true; they were constantly working) or,
“I’ll have to ask the company for permission,” (which wasn’t. At least not entirely true. Personal matters were for the idols to deal with. As long as they were careful and made wise decisions, they had leeway to do as they pleased.)

His mum knew this, though. So after a couple of months without getting any real reply from Seokjin, she took it upon herself and called his manager.

“So ahjumeoni called,” Hobeom told Seokjin one day after dance practice.

Seokjin closed his eyes and sighed. All he wanted to do was either lie very still on the floor or take a shower. But he knew Hobeom was not going to let the matter go. He didn’t like it when the parents called him whenever the kids weren’t answering the phone, and he wasn’t like Sajin, who usually made excuses for them and promised to remind them to call. Hobeom hated to be the messenger, even if it could be well part of his job.

“Are you going to call her back or are you going to make me tell her your exact schedule so she can know when to call you?” He asked in that condescending tone he used when he was doing things he didn’t deem worthy of his time. When Seokjin first met Hobeom, he was scared of him. He was terrified when he learnt that he was going to live with them in that cramped flat where the seven of them shared a single room. But in time he realised Hobeom didn’t mean any harm. He could be blunt and strict, but he truly cared for them all. At the time, he was exactly what they needed.

“I’ll call her,” Seokjin said. He still had his eyes closed and could feel a headache forming at the back of his head. He really needed to go home, shower, and get into bed. He was getting too old for this, and he was haunted by this realisation, by the fact that his body couldn’t keep up with him anymore. He wasn’t skilled at dancing in the first place so this could only mean he’d get worse and worse. He had resorted to learn the choreo before the rest of the members.

“You should go home and rest,” was what Hobeom said. Seokjin must’ve looked worse than he thought if he made Hobeom worry. “I know it’s not my place. But if ahjumeoni wants you to go on blind dates, I can talk to people so you don’t have to worry about privacy and pictures.”

Seokjin was thankful Hobeom didn’t mention he was “of age.” It was all his mum and aunts would talk about and it made him feel like some maiden in a period drama. Of course they didn’t take into account the fact that he had spent most of his youth dancing and singing and travelling the word so he could dance and sing some more. Seokjin knew he shouldn’t complain. He knew it was the path he had chosen. He knew what was at stake and he had made his peace with everything he had had to give up in order to get to where he was right now. He just didn’t think it was fair for his family to talk about him like he wasted his youth.

“I’m fine,” he said without meaning it. “I’ll call my mum when I get home. Thanks, hyung.” He opened his eyes and met Hobeom’s. He looked older, the wrinkles on his eyes were more pronounced and he was wearing glasses that made him look like someone’s dad. But when he smiled, it was the same Hobeom hyung, back in their dorm, telling them not to sneak out late at night to buy ice cream.

“You’re all grown up now,” Hobeom said. He was still smiling, but he sounded nostalgic. “I turn my back for a minute and suddenly you’re all going on blind dates and planning to get married.” Hobeom made grabby hands at Seokjin, which he gently slapped.

He could feel his sweaty t-shirt sticking to his body and he wished that there wasn’t much traffic on his way home.











When people asked how Seokjin became a part of Bangtan, he always gave the same answer. He was a film major student at Kondae and he was approached one day by someone who asked him if he wanted to be part of a small entertainment company that was looking for young good looking guys like him. Seokjin had been told he’s good looking so many times that he started believing there was some truth behind it. So he felt flattered after that encounter and decided to go and try his luck.

It wasn’t as incredible as it sounded, though. The truth was far more ordinary that he made it sound.

He got to the company building one day after class. It was late afternoon and it was the time of year when the cold refuses to subside. He didn’t want to appear snobbish driving there so he took the Line 2 subway and relied on the tiny map at the back of the business card the guy had given him. The building didn’t look different than any of the other office buildings that were spread all over this side of the river. When Seokjin showed the card to the receptionist, she called the security guard so he could scan his card to let him pass.

“19th floor,” the guard said. Seokjin got into the lift and pressed 19. As the doors closed, he inspected his reflection and was filled with sudden anxiety and nervousness. He had already decided that he wasn’t going to think much about the meeting. Even if he wasn’t accepted, he was still in his first year in university, there was going to be plenty of time for him to join a company.

When he got off the lift he was directed to a meeting room. It was a regular meeting room, almost identical to the study rooms in campus, but there was someone waiting there and that made Seokjin feel self-conscious. He vowed as greeting and walked to the other side of the room to sit. The guy vowed back and Seokjin noticed he looked as nervous as him. He’d seen him in a couple of his classes, even if they weren’t acquainted.

“Did you also get a business card?” Seokjin asked. The guy seemed startled by his voice. Maybe he was having it worse than Seokjin, even if he was very good looking.

“Ah... yes,” the guy said. He was sitting straight, with both of his hands on top of his legs, as if he were talking to a general in the palace.

“I’m Kim Seokjin,” Seokjin said. He thought about adding that he had seen him around campus, but he was afraid of sounding like a show off. “I’m a first year, film major.”

“I’m Lee Wongeun,” the guy said, smiling.

Seokjin thought he already looked like a celebrity and that he could easily be an actor. Seokjin was sure he looked similar to someone from an idol group he’d seen on TV. When Wongeun was called and left Seokjin alone in that waiting room, he’d been convinced they were going to choose him and that was why Seokjin was less scared when it was his time to be interviewed.

It didn’t go as he had expected. In the end, Seokjin was the one the company chose. Right at the start, he was part of the acting department, which was small and had only a couple of little known actors and a few comedians. But then things hadn’t gone as the executives expected. They got almost no casting calls and after a month Seokjin was the only actor remaining in the company, so they decided to move him to see if he could be part of an idol group. That’s when things started happening. Even if, in the beginning, nothing seemed to happen—with the exception of the endless dance practices and the few vocal lessons squeezed in between. For Seokjin, this was the beginning.











After Seokjin began training to become an idol, he started making less and less decision. Everything seemed to happen so fast and sometimes without his knowledge. All he had to do was show up and follow the schedule given to him.

Still, he was the one who decided to finally call his mother so she could arrange a meeting for a blind date.

He got permission from the company and went with no expectations, but Lee Goeun was fun and chill. She didn’t seem to think much about the fact that Seokjin was a world renowned star. It was refreshing, the fact that she treated him like any other guy who’d come to a blind date. It had been so long since someone he met for the first time treated him just like any other human being.

In retrospect, maybe that was what attracted Seokjin to her. That and the fact that she genuinely laughed at his corny jokes.

So when she asked for a second date, Seokjin said yes and felt like a maiden being courted by some charming young man.

She was two years older. An international business graduate who worked for a financing corporation.

“I make lot of phone calls and pretend I’m good at what I do by sounding menacing,” was what she said when Seokjin asked what she did for a living. “I can be very intimidating.”

She could; Seokjin learnt that later. But she could also be laid back and fun, and she seemed to like Seokjin for what he was rather than for what people expected him to be. She didn’t mind that Seokjin was busy all the time. They never fought because there wasn’t much to fight about. When they met up—usually at Seokjin’s flat—she texted friends or watched videos while Seokjin played games.

They dated for two whole years.

Goeun started talking about marriage before their second year anniversary.

“You’ll be 30 next year,” she said one night when they took a break from their current activities to have lunch—Seokjin had been reading webtoons in bed while Goeun had been finishing some paperwork. It was almost 5 pm, but Seokjin had slept until noon. “And I’m turning 32. I’m not getting any younger, and nor are you.” She didn’t look or sound upset, just matter of fact.

Seokjin thought about it while washing the plastic containers from the takeout food they had ordered. Marriage was just the next step. He was supposed to enlist next year too, and after that, while waiting for the members’ discharges, he was supposed to announce that he had someone he wanted to marry. That he had found someone who made him happy and all that jazz. He had already planned to write a handwritten letter so it was all going to go down smoothly. He was not going to get much backlash because he’d be old enough by then and he’d have fulfilled his civil duty.

However, he wasn’t expecting the government to exempt them from the military service after they won a Grammy award. They’d got so used to the fact that they wouldn’t be exempted after losing hope so many times, that once they actually did, Seokjin had a mental breakdown. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t know what to do next. None of them did. They had already planned out when each of them was going to enlist and what the rest of the members would do. It seemed like even the company didn’t know what to do because they were called into an urgent meeting and decided that it would be better if they took a break for a little while. They wanted to test the waters first, see how the general public had reacted.

For the first time in his life, Seokjin had time to think about what he wanted to do next. To think about what he wanted out of life. What he wanted to do with the rest of it.

When will he be able to get married now that he was not going to enlist? The fans were not going to be as forgiving now that they were exempted.

When Seokjin went home that night, he still hadn’t called Goeun. He was sure she had heard the announcement on the news, but he also was sure she wasn’t going to be very happy about the fact that he hadn’t call her. That she didn’t hear it from him first. Seokjin didn’t know what to make of that. He was supposed to be happy, but all he felt was numbness and uncertainty.











Goeun was already home when Seokjin got there.

“I guess I should say congratulations,” she said. She sounded upset, this time. Seokjin could count the times she had been upset with him with only one hand. Now, he thought he didn’t need to count any more.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Seokjin said. He hadn’t thought about breaking up with her, but it was as if the idea had taken a life of its own inside of him and was now out of control. There was nothing Seokjin could do to stop it from happening.











Now Seokjin sits alone on the living room couch. He’s slowly drinking a bottle of soju that he found in the almost empty fridge. If someone were to see him like this, say someone like Jimin or Hoseok, he’d get laughed at for drinking soju from a coffee mug. But there’s no one else in the dorm so he gets to do whatever he wants without being judged.

The drama he was trying to watch comes to an end and the news of them being exempted pops up. “It should be a national holiday,” the newscaster says cheerily. He sounds happy. Maybe they met before? Seokjin can’t really remember. Pictures of them flash as the newscaster talks about how they rose up to fame. They looked so young when they debuted. They tried so hard for so long. Seokjin knows he should be proud of how far they’ve come; of everything they’ve achieved. But right now fame feels like a burden.

The screen shows a picture of them leaving the company the day the news of their exemption broke. There’s Namjoon waving politely and then there’s Yoongi with a face mask, looking tired and slightly annoyed. He never got used to people following them around all the time, of the endless flashings directed right at them.

Seokjin downs what’s left on his mug and pours himself whatever’s left in the bottle of soju. The living room seems huge now that he’s alone. It’s somewhat eerie, to have this enormous place for himself. The flat he owns in the condo is not as big as this one, but Seokjin doesn’t think it’d be a good idea to go there. Right now this place feels more like home than his own flat.

He remembers the first time Goeun went there and feels a pang in his chest. He thought she was going to be impressed, but instead she asked him why the place was so bare.

“This needs some remodelling,” she said as she inspected each room. “I know minimalism is trendy, but this feels like a monk’s flat.”

Seokjin’d have to sell all of the stuff they bought for the flat. The fancy cabinets and the pine kitchen table.

For a couple of days after the breakup he thought he needed to ask Goeun for forgiveness and beg her to take him back. He thought he had to keep her happy. He had to be in love with her and keep her happy. But he couldn’t bring himself to do that. Forcing himself to be in love with her was not fair for her.

So Seokjin sits there with his almost empty mug of soju for fifteen, twenty minutes. Doing lots of urgent, awful remembering.

Ever since he was little, Seokjin’s done what’s expected of him. Being the younger son, he’s always done what his parents decided for him. He was sent to study abroad for a whole year back when he was in middle school, even if his English was terrible. It was what his hyung had done so it was only natural that he went, too.

Seokjin usually went with whatever happened. He used to think that he was going to lead a simple and quiet life, because that’s what his hyung did. He was going to go to university, graduate, get a job, meet someone, date, marry, have 1.5 kids. Work, work, work. That was life. That was what his dad and his hyung had done. That was what the generation of men before him had done.

That was until he was scouted. Back then he didn’t think much of it. He went to classes, then went to practice until his muscles felt like mush, and then he had to pick himself up somehow and drive back home to get a couple of hours of sleep before it all started again. He opted to go home instead of moving in with the rest of the trainees because he didn’t want to add another body to the already cramped flat.

“I used to think you didn’t move in with us because you thought we were beneath you,” Yoongi said one day long after they debuted, when they became roommates. It was late into the night. Dance practice had been hard that day, but in all honesty, when was dance practice not hard. They were lying down on their own beds, in their own room. They had wanted that so much, to have their own space where it would be peaceful and quiet.

Seokjin snorted. He was exhausted, but listening to Yoongi’s voice coming from the other side of the room soothed him. “I thought it’d only make things worse,” Seokjin said. “You all had it really hard already.” He didn’t mention he also had a lot on his plate. He was a terrible dancer and he had to deal with homework, too. He used to stay up all night going through dancing routines and trying to keep up with his assignments. Back then he had been convinced that the rest of the trainees didn’t really want him, that they were just putting up with him for a while.

Yoongi laughed. It was the kind of quiet laugh that he used whenever he thought something was ridiculous. Seokjin realised Yoongi wasn’t laughing at him, but rather at himself. “What is this?” He asked, there were traces of laughter in his voice. It added a nice touch. “Every day I find something new that proves how wrong I was.”

He didn’t add, “about you,” but Seokjin got the gist. He had always known Yoongi didn’t like him, in the beginning. He had never made it obvious, but Seokjin could tell. Somehow, he had always been able to read Yoongi.

Seokjin had to earn his grace. That much he knew. He also knew using force and authority wouldn’t work on Yoongi, so he’d opted for just being himself. Little by little he started noticing things about Yoongi that the rest of the members didn’t. He had been the one who had found Yoongi hurt and in pain in their living room, that time he had the accident. And he had also been the one who had taken him to the hospital.

So when they finally moved out of their tiny flat and got to be roommates, things were already good between them. Seokjin realised Yoongi was the human representation of the saying “barking dogs seldom bite.” He thought it was going to be like in their old bedroom, but Yoongi was a lot more vocal now that it was just the two of them.

Seokjin liked talking to him. Most nights he thought that if he didn’t talk to him, he was going to die or something. He thought he was going to fade away.

This is how Seokjin lives his life since he broke up with Goeun. He stays up all night playing video games and he walks the empty flat where nothing settles, not even the dust.

There are long stretches of time when he doesn’t know what he’s doing or what he’s done—nothing mostly, but sometimes it would be nice to know what kind of nothing it was.

It started the day the government announced they would all be exempted from the military service a few months after winning a Grammy. It took them by surprise. They didn’t even have time to tweet something for the fans or record their reactions. The word had been that they wouldn’t be exempted, and they had learnt to live with that. Seokjin had already made peace with that. He was ready. He had it all planned.

Except it didn’t go the way he anticipated, and then he could sense it. The smell of things going wrong.

Goeun didn’t take it well. The breaking up, that is. She wasn’t the first person Seokjin called—or the first person to call him—when the news of their exemption broke.

“I thought we had it all planned,” she said. Looking at her hurt, so Seokjin stared at her ear instead. You had it all planned, he wanted to tell her. Though that would have been unfair; he didn’t object to any of it. He just thought that was just the natural way of things. People are born, they grow up, go to school, graduate from university, they get a job and start dating, etc. That was how it was supposed to be. But Seokjin’s plans were interrupted and now he didn’t know what he wanted any more.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all he could say back then. Even if nothing in Seokjin’s life made sense right now, he was sure of one thing: that he had loved Lee Goeun. That had been real. He just wasn’t sure he had ever been in love with her.

“I need more, you know,” he said before walking away, just to say something. He knew he was hurting her by saying this. He didn’t really need more; he just didn’t know what is it he wanted any more. It was a way of making himself appear bad so that it would be easier for her to heal.

Truth is, what he wanted to say was far worse. You can't make people love you the way you want them to. Though it hadn’t been entirely Goeun’s fault, Seokjin should’ve said something sooner. He couldn’t tell her that whenever he pictured them married he felt so much dread that he had to stop and try to distract himself with something else. It had not been a problem before the news about their exemption, but that had been mostly because he hadn’t been picturing anything before. He had only been accepting that was the way life worked.

He had been so wrong.

“You’ve always been so selfish,” Goeun said right before the door closed after him. It was so much like her to have the last word. Seokjin didn’t say anything else because saying something else would have prompted Goeun into saying some awful truth to hurt Seokjin some more. And, honestly, Seokjin didn’t feel hurt, he was just tired. But he still replied to her in his head because, exhausted as he was, he couldn’t stop his brain. “I know,” his brain supplied. “It scares me. It terrifies me, to be honest.“

Yoongi told him it seemed to have made him more miserable than happy, the fact that they were exempted. Seokjin laughed and laughed because it was the complete opposite. He thought he got mad and angry and quiet because part of him hated himself for feeling like this. It wasn’t fair to Goeun.

But most nights he still can’t go to bed without crying when he thinks about the bed in his flat. How it creaked and how Goeun and him had their sides, and how they had water resting by the bed on the hardwood floors because they always got thirsty in the middle of the night.

They had plans, and then Seokjin went and cancelled all of them without even hesitating for a moment.

For a week, Seokjin composed a great and poetic speech for the future generation about how there are little thoughts in your head that can grow until they eat your entire mind. Just tiny little thoughts that are like a cancer. There’s no telling what triggers the spread or who will be struck and why some get it and others are spared. He hopes he can make a song out of it.

Seokjin came back to the dorm. He didn’t feel like going back to his own flat because he didn’t know if Goeun had picked up her things. He was scared to death of bumping into her. He was scared to death to see with his own eyes how he had ruined her life. How he had hurt her. It was a selfish and coward thing to do, but what was Seokjin if not selfish and a coward.

He had brought some of his clothes back from his parents’ house in a suitcase, and it felt strange. Like coming home after a tour. Only this wasn’t his home anymore and it had been a while since they had been on a tour.

The dorm was empty. No one was there to greet him when he opened the door that made that cute jingly sound when it closed behind him. There were a couple of slippers neatly placed on the entrance and Seokjin wondered how long it had been since someone other than the cleaning ahjummas had been here. Then it hit him, the sudden scent. It made him gag a little and then he couldn’t smell it any more. It just was. It was the smell of them. The smell of home. All of their unique scents mashed together in this space they no longer shared.

When Seokjin had found out they were keeping the dorm in Hannam, he had thought it was going to be a waste of money, but management had thought they needed to maintain the idea that they were all still living together. Even then, Seokjin had been the first one to move out. He had purchased another flat in that condo, so as to keep the facade. Eventually, they had all started to move out, even Jungkook who had been very hesitant to live by himself. “I just don’t think I can do it,” he had said. But soon after he had purchased a house and had convinced his parents to move to the capital.

Now Seokjin was the first one to move back. He stood at the corridor and saw Jimin and Hoseok’s room door open, but the lights were off and there was no noise coming from inside. He made the silent walk to his own room, at the end of the corridor, next to Yoongi’s room and felt a pang of nostalgia when he remembered how they had chosen rooms. They had all been so excited at the idea of not having to share any more.

“I don’t mind sharing with Jiminie,” Hoseok had said. Hearing this, Jimin had muttered a heartfelt “hyung,” and they had hugged like idiots.

They had got the biggest room though. The only one that connected to a full bathroom.

Seokjin had wanted to say that he didn’t mind sharing with Yoongi, either. But the momentum had been lost when Yoongi had asked if they should use the same method to choose bedrooms that they always used.

After a long paper rock scissors match, Seokjin had won first place and he had been the first to pick his room. He had chosen the only one that had a half bathroom. Yoongi had come in second and, surprisingly, he had chosen the bedroom next to Seokjin’s, even if it was a small one without a closet.

“I can use Seokjin hyung’s closet,” he had said. “Our clothes are already mixed in together anyway.”

Seokjin had seen his point. They used to share a room and a closet in their last dorm, and most of the time they hadn’t known what belonged to whom—besides the clothes from the brands they particularly liked. But when Yoongi had come into his room looking for some clothes and had said, “we managed to stick together, somehow,” Seokjin had been filled with so much fondness that he had thought he was going to pass out.

He opened the door to his bedroom and froze for a moment. His eyes travelled quickly across his room. His half empty shelves, the keyboard he had borrowed from the company and never bothered to return, his plushies and his figurines. The little bits and pieces of all the things that whispered a quiet, gentle cry. I’m back. Someone came back. Someone was alive here.

Seokjin’s startled one day when he wakes up, walks half sleep to the kitchen, and finds Yoongi there. He’s boiling something in one of the small pots, and Seokjin’s nostrils are suddenly filled with the smell of stew.

“You’re up,” Yoongi says by way of greeting. Seokjin was so surprised that he stopped walking midway. He was yawning and scratching his stomach as he walked in to the kitchen so he must look ridiculous right now. Ungracefully, he takes his hand off the inside of his pyjama top and tries to smooth his hair a little. He doesn’t know why he feels so self-conscious, when Yoongi’s seen him in worse states. But there’s colour in Yoongi’s cheeks, so maybe he looks worse than he thinks.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” Seokjin replies. He walks up to where Yoongi is and asks over his shoulder, “what are you making?”

Yoongi frights and he almost sends both of them and the pot of stew to the floor if it weren’t for Seokjin’s reflexes. Yoongi’s back feels warm against Seokjin’s chest. It’s such a nice feeling. Seokjin’s always been a little clingy and a little touchy so he’s basking in the sudden human contact. Yoongi, on the other hand, dislikes skinship so Seokjin waits for him to ground himself to move back a little.

“Sorry, Yoongi-yah,” he says. Yoongi only grunts and goes back to cooking. For some reason, he’s not looking at Seokjin. It’s nothing out of the ordinary, though. They’re both awful at making eye contact.

Seokjin opens the fridge and finds it less empty. So either Yoongi’s been grocery shopping or he has sent someone to buy groceries for him. He wonders if this is some kind of intervention. Maybe his mum called them—Namjoon, probably, or Hoseok—to make him come to his senses. Perhaps they had a meeting to decide who was going to actually perform the intervention and Yoongi lost.

He opts to not say anything, though, and goes back to his room to do some more self-loathing. He goes to his bathroom to wash his face and teeth, and he avoids looking at himself in the mirror as much as he can. The last time he spent some time inspecting his reflection, he was weirded out when he found he didn’t recognise his own face. It was as if he was living in someone else’s body. He finishes lathering and then rinsing his face with lukewarm water, and he still feels weird when he goes back to his room. As he walks to his closet, the feeling gets worse. Are these his legs and hands? Is this really his body? He stands there, staring at his clothes. He has so many of them, and yet sometimes it seems like he doesn’t have enough, since he keeps wearing the same thing all the time.

There’s a knock at the door, and he’s startled when Yoongi comes in and tells him to come out to eat. He doesn’t walk out of the room though, so Seokjin is left with no choice but to stay in his pyjamas.

“Okay,” Seokjin says. When Yoongi doesn’t reply nor move, Seokjin takes a closer look and finds out Yoongi’s staring at his messy room. Some other time, Seokjin’d feel bad about the state of his room, but he hasn’t been feeling himself lately so he doesn’t try to come up with an excuse or make a self-deprecating joke about how this mess represents his life right now.











They’re both silent as they eat. When Seokjin got to the dining room, he found Yoongi had already placed everything neatly. There was a big bowl of stew on his side of the table, and a smaller bowl of rice next to it.

“So you broke up with Goeun noona,” Yoongi says. Seokjin chokes on the big portion of rice he put into his mouth. “Sorry,” he adds, pouring water into a cup and handing it to him. “You know I’ve never been one to beat around the bush.”

“Yeah,” Seokjin replies, trying to swallow a coughing fit. “Is that why you’re here? Did Namjoonie and the rest of the kids sent you here?”

Seokjin finds that the weird feeling of not belonging to his body is gone. He’s slowly feeling like himself again.

“No,” Yoongi says. “No one sent me here, hyung.”

Yoongi resumes eating, but Seokjin can feel there’s something he’s not saying. He’s going to have to work out a way to make him talk.

As Seokjin’s come to know Min Yoongi, he’s found that he’s full of contradictions, and that most of the time he seems to operate according to his mood. Even if this could be true for any of the other members, Yoongi’s moods are constantly changing. He also treats the younger members with a lot more patience than he’d do the older ones, including Jimin. He’s a whole puzzle that Seokjin’s spent years and years trying to put together, and most times he finds he still hasn’t completed it.

When they’re done eating, Seokjin offers to do the dishes. Yoongi agrees and retreats to his room for the rest of the day.

Seokjin’s baffled when he finds a mess in the kitchen counter and the sink filled with everything Yoongi used for cooking. He remembers that, as much as Yoongi loves cooking, he hates doing the dishes and cleaning the mess he leaves behind.











It’s odd, having someone else in the flat with him. Seokjin only spent a couple of days holed up all by himself in this big space, but now that he knows Yoongi’s there, he feels grounded.

The awful feeling of not belonging to his body is still there though—Seokjin can still feel it somewhere in the depth of his core—but it’s not as bad as when he was by himself.

The next day, Yoongi wakes him up at dawn and drags him to Incheon Port to fish.

“It’s payback,” Yoongi says when Seokjin whines about how he didn’t get his beauty sleep for the millionth time. They’re sharing a car, which is something they’ve done time and time agai—what with saving the environment and the gas bill—but it feels different this time. There’s tension between them. Seokjin knows it’s because Yoongi’s hiding something, but he knows not to pry, otherwise Yoongi’s going to close up like an oyster. “For all the times you dragged me in the middle of the night.”

Seokjin’s brain supplies him with a few comebacks. ”You said you wanted to come with,” “you said it was a good idea to film our vlogs together because it’d be fun and less stressful,” “you never told me you were against it.” But he doesn’t say any of that. Instead he closes his eyes and finds he feels good, better than he has in days. He got to shave and change out of his pyjamas, and this time when he looked at his reflection in the mirror, he didn’t feel like a stranger in his own skin.











It’s still dark when they get to the port. Seokjin wakes up before they get there, but he pretends he’s still asleep when he feels Yoongi’s hand on his shoulder. It’s grounding, the way he can feel Yoongi’s warmth. They almost never touch, since Seokjin knows Yoongi doesn’t like or need skinship as much as he does, but whenever it happens, it’s nice and a bit scary.

Seokjin’s greatest terror has always been ending up alone. Yet part of him knows that’s how he will end up, and that’s the worst thing that can happen to someone. In retrospect, it seems like a contradiction. He’s terrified of ending up alone, but at the same time he just broke up with his girlfriend.

Right now he puts those thoughts at the back of his head as he gets out of the car and decides to try and have some fun.

They stop when the sun rises and ask the captain of the boat to make sashimi out of the couple of fish they caught.

“It could have been worse,” Yoongi says.

“Why? I count this as a definite win,” Seokjin replies. He feels really good. His stomach is full and his heart is content. He closes his eyes as he feels the breeze on his face and his hair. And for some reason, being like this, with Yoongi taking a nap at the other side of the boat, makes him feel like everything’s going to be okay.











They get back to work a week after.

“Just because we’re exempted, it doesn’t mean we can slack off.” Is the way Namjoon put it. Everyone else agreed.

They don’t have an official schedule yet so they decide to work on their own projects.

Seokjin doesn’t have a project of his own though so he spends his time at the company learning new choreo and going to the gym. It’s good, to have something to look forward to. He wakes up early and goes to the company. He and Yoongi are the only ones back at the dorm, but Yoongi’s always preferred to work at night so he’s still asleep when Seokjin goes to work.

It’s the same thing they did back when they shared a room. Seokjin’d go to work at dawn, when Yoongi was still sleeping, and Yoongi’d come back home late at night, when Seokjin was already fast asleep.

Some days they go back to the dorm together though. And soon they fall into their old ritual. They watch films and talk trash about people they don’t really care about.

Seokjin knows this is Yoongi’s own way to cheer him up.

“I know you’re doing this to make me feel better, Yoongi-yah. But I think you should go home. Hoim-sshi must be worried.”

Yoongi laughs. It’s one of his honest laughs, where his mouth is open and his head falls back. They’re sprawled on the living room couch watching some random drama. Yoongi’s laughter echoes through the almost empty place. “Not everything’s about you hyung,” he says. There are still traces of laughter in his voice, and his eyes are half crescents. He’s breath-taking. “Hoim noona broke up with me.

“What?” Seokjin asks, alarmed. He sits and yells, “why?” A hundred reasons cross through Seokjin’s brain. She realised she didn’t love him. She didn’t think he was husband material. She wanted him to quit being an idol. She was only using him for his fame.

Instead Yoongi shrugs and says, “she did it to show solidarity with Goeun noona.”

He sounds nonchalant and undisturbed, but Seokjin knows how important she’s been to Yoongi. He’s seen it, how she made him come out of his shell and realise he was allowed to be happy. Yet, when Seokjin inspects Yoongi, to see if he’s putting on a mask to fool him so that he doesn’t blame himself for his misery, he only finds Yoongi. Kind hearted, stubborn Yoongi. He’s staring and the TV, and the light reflecting on his bare face makes him look paler. He looks years older than his age. But then again, he always did.

That doesn’t mean Seokjin doesn’t feel guilty though. “I’m sorry, Yoongi-yah,” he offers.

Yoongi shrugs again. “I thought it was bound to happen.”

They stay like that for the remaining of the drama. Seokjin’s not been paying attention to anything so he has no idea what’s happening. He just enjoys Yoongi’s quiet company.

When they bid each other goodnight, Seokjin stays awake for a while thinking he’ll never know what kind of face Yoongi makes when he shuts up in his own room, or what his thoughts are. What the heart is, what the contest of the suffering. He guesses no one knows.











The first time Goeun met Hoim was the first time Seokjin met her, too. She and Yoongi had been dating for a couple of months, but they had known each other for a bit longer.

“She’s one of my friend’s noona.” Was how Yoongi had put it back then.

Seokjin remembers he was surprised and taken aback at how Yoongi changed when he was with her.

“It’s gross,” Jimin had declared. “But it’s also sweet. I think she makes Yoongi hyung happy.”

That was the ultimate goal in life, Seokjin had thought. To make Yoongi happy. It was like the final mission, the last quest.

Both Goeun and Hoim came to the company and the four of them watched a film in their company’s new private cinema. It was something Goeun wanted to watch. Seokjin remembers being the one who had to rent the film online, though Yoongi had been the one who’d figured out how to operate the big screen and set the audio equipment. Seokjin didn’t know a thing about technology and its wonders, but he remembers sticking to Yoongi’s side because he had felt incredibly awkward with the girls. Hoim had scared him, for some reason, even when she was anything but scary. But the idea of her having the power to make Yoongi go soft and squishy made him anxious.

After the film, Yoongi asked if they wanted to check out his studio. Seokjin had seen Yoongi’s studio a few times, but Goeun was delighted so Seokjin went despite feeling like the third wheel—which was ridiculous because there were more than three people in this equation.

The studio was cramped and it smelled exactly like Yoongi. Seokjin had no idea if Goeun and Hoim noticed, but to him the scent was so strong he was sure he’d get it in his clothes. It wasn’t an unpleasant smell, though, it was just Yoongi’s. Woody and a little sweet. Seokjin could recognise his scent anywhere, and it was always the sweet part that got him because he couldn’t pin point exactly what it was or where it came from. Seokjin guessed it must be Yoongi’s own natural scent.

Seokjin was right by the door while Goeun looked around Yoongi’s figurines. Hoim inspected Yoongi’s equipment and asked questions that Seokjin could see pleased Yoongi.

Looking at both of them from afar made him realise they looked good together. Like two pieces of a puzzle that fit. Hoim was small and thin, she wore a lot of bracelets that perhaps matched the ones Yoongi wore, and she was pretty. Yoongi had always liked pretty things.

He looked happy, Yoongi did. Especially now that he was talking to Hoim about the tracks he was working on. Seokjin felt melancholy as he stared at the two of them. There had been a time when Yoongi had been gloomy and sad.

It had been a bad time for all seven of them, but Yoongi had had it worse.

Goeun joined Yoongi and Hoim and while Seokjin watched Yoongi’s face light up as he talked about music, he suddenly remembered something that he had no idea if it ever happened or if it was a dream.

It had been that night Yoongi had dislocated his shoulder. Seokjin had found Yoongi on the living room, it had been very late at night, and Seokjin had woken up to go to the bathroom. As soon as he had jumped out of his bunker bed, he had sensed that something was very wrong. There had been so much stillness, which had been weird for a place that had been inhabited by nine people. Seokjin had been angry at himself for not waking up earlier. Yoongi had been in a lot of pain while he was sleeping soundly on the bunk bed next to his.

Seokjin had wanted to take Yoongi to the hospital right away, but Yoongi had been clear when he told him that was out of the question.

“It’s not that bad,” he had said. Seokjin had paled because it had been bad. It had been very bad. It had been the worst thing that Seokjin had ever seen. Yoongi’s shoulder had looked wrong, it had been popping out of his body in a wrong and creepy angle. Seokjin had known Yoongi was very stubborn, so he had tried to convince him he needed to go to the hospital.

“I won’t snitch,” he had told Yoongi that time. “I know you don’t trust me, but you need to go to the hospital and I have a car and I can drive you there.” Yoongi had been silent. Seokjin knew he was assessing the situation. “We can tell the manager we’re only going to the River to clear our heads or something.”

Later, when it had been nearly dawn and Yoongi’s shoulder looked like it was going to be better, they’d drank soju together. Yoongi had told Seokjin about how he couldn’t afford to be kicked out of the training programme.

Seokjin had always admired Yoongi’s mind set. It had been one of the things that had kept him going. They had all worked so hard to pass the audition and all Seokjin had had to do was walk into the company one day. “Everyone is so competitive here,” he had said, “don’t get me wrong. I know why you’re all doing this. It’s just that it must piss you off. You’ve all worked so hard to be here and I was just picked up on the street, then taken out of the actors’ department.”

Yoongi had stayed silent for a while, then he had said in a very low voice, “if I don’t make it here, I will be left with nothing.”

“We’re going to make it,” Seokjin had said, and then he had looked up to see Yoongi staring at him with an expression he hadn’t been able to read. He’d been drawn to him. His lips had looked pink and his skin had always looked soft, translucent. When Seokjin had touched his cheek, he had felt his stomach drop.

That much Seokjin could remember happening. What he couldn’t remember happening or not was the kiss that had followed. In his memory, Yoongi had been the one who started it, but Seokjin hadn’t told him to stop. Instead he had kissed him back.

They hadn’t talked about it the next day. Then they hadn’t talked about it when they moved out of their old dorm and had become roommates. They hadn’t talked about it when they had been alone and there had been nothing there to say. They had never talked about it, but sometimes Seokjin remembered how Yoongi had felt. Scared, insecure, unloved, and very soft.

Even now, Seokjin wasn’t entirely sure if it had actually happened or if he had dreamt it, but sometimes he could feel the soft touch of Yoongi’s lips on his own, he could feel how Yoongi had tasted when Seokjin had kissed him back, hard.

Despite being back to work, there isn’t much for them to do. They are aware some of the citizens don’t approve of them not doing their military service like the rest of the men in the country.

“It’s not like you’re going on full hiatus,” management said. “But we’re going to take things slowly.” That means they’re not going to have official schedules for a while, even if they still get together every day for dance practice and to film stuff for their various platforms. That means they’re going to be allowed to go home earlier than usual. But that doesn’t mean they’re going to stop working. Most of the members are even more eager to work than before.

Still, Seokjin isn’t sure what he wants to do with his time.

“You can make your own mixtape, hyung,” Taehyung tells him. After dance practice, he announced that he had booked one of the recording rooms and Seokjin followed him there because he didn’t want to go back to the dorm yet. Yoongi was still in his studio, so Seokjin wanted to kill time until he finishes for the day.

Seokjin knows he doesn’t have enough material to put together a mixtape. Things take him a lot longer, compared to the rest of the members. But it’s cute that they all believe in him so much, especially because most of the time Seokjin doesn’t believe in himself as much. It’s one of the things that make them stronger, he thinks. The fact that they have so much blind faith in one another.

His thoughts are interrupted by a ping on his phone. When he takes it out of his pocket, he finds it’s a text from Yoongi asking him if he’s gone home yet. Instead of replying, Seokjin takes a selca and makes sure Taehyung looks funny in the background so as to make himself look better. “Meet you in the parking lot,” he texts.

“Is that your date, hyung?” Taehyung asks. He’s playing a tune over and over again. It doesn’t have lyrics just soft humming vocals, but it sounds just like that genre Taehyung made up one day in one of their press conferences. The disco pop acoustic guitar retro ballad genre.

“This is a nice song,” Seokjin says. He’s aware Taehyung will realise he’s changing the subject, but he also knows one of the things Taehyung loves the most is being praised, so it’s a win-win situation.

“It still needs a lot of work,” Taehyung replies. He spins his chair to face him and smiles at him. “I’ll let you listen to it first once it’s done, hyung.” Then, “but don’t tell Jiminie.”

Seokjin makes a mental note to rub it in Jimin’s face, when the time comes. “Hyung’s going home,” he says. He gets up, gathering his bag and jacket before heading out. But when he turns around, Taehyung’s standing with his arms outstretched. He’s still such a baby.

“You’re doing good, hyung,” Taehyung says right into his ear. If this were any other of his dongsaengs or hoobaes, Seokjin’d feel offended, instead he feels endeared. Taehyung’s always been such a kind soul. While Seokjin’s happiness relies on making people laugh, Taehyung’s relies on comforting people.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, kid,” he says, patting Taehyung’s butt.

Taehyung does the same before Seokjin walks out the door.











In the car, on their way home, Seokjin thinks about why he didn’t answer Taehyung’s question and why he was bothered by it. It’s not like he and Yoongi are doing something illegal. He’s sure the rest of the members know they’re both staying at the dorm, even if he hasn’t told a soul. He can’t call Yoongi his date, since both of them are just going home together. But there was something in the way Taehyung asked that question that made Seokjin uneasy.

After all, it’s just two men nursing their broken hearts together. Though calling his current situation heart ache is not entirely accurate, since he was the one that broke Goeun’s heart.

Yoongi’s taking the whole ordeal a lot better than Seokjin, though. He doesn’t look like a zombie and he doesn’t sigh every five minutes.

“I don’t sigh every five minutes,” Seokjin yells indignant. They’re both in their usual places, sprawled on the living room couch. It feels huge now that it’s just the two of them, but it also feels cosy and warm. It feels like home, and Seokjin realises he’s slowly feeling better.

They’re watching a Ghibli film, Spirited Away, one of Seokjin’s favourites. They ordered chicken and beer, and they both mixed their cups of beers with a shot of soju.

“You do, hyung,” Yoongi says between a mouthful of fried chicken. “You also spend an insane amount of time in the gym, guilty training after eating an entire bowl of tteokbokki.”

Seokjin can’t deny that, so he stuffs his mouth with a drumstick. He still wonders how Yoongi found that out, since Seokjin usually goes to the gym very early in the morning, when Yoongi’s still fast asleep. But he realised years ago that even if there are things that they keep to themselves, they have an uncanny ability to sense what the other members are feeling or doing.

They finish the entire box of chicken and are left with the drinks. Seokjin’s sitting on the floor now, he feels a bit light-headed from the alcohol. Yoongi’s still on the couch, except now he’s lying on his side and he’s using his hand as head rest.

The movie ends and both of them are too lazy to turn off the TV or clean after themselves.
Seokjin downs what’s left of his somaek and realises they’ve run out of beer. He thinks about using his hyung card to make Yoongi fetch the rest of the beer from the kitchen, but decides against it. Yoongi’s always been too smart for him to fool. Besides, he needs to go to the bathroom so as the credits continue scrolling through the screen, he makes a big show at getting up. Yoongi’s undeterred though, he’s now lying on his back and his eyes are closed. Seokjin takes this chance to stare at him briefly. He looks both older and younger, and Seokjin has no idea how that can be. He’s still the same Yoongi he met though, all those years ago. Yoongi was unexpectedly beautiful at the age of eighteen. Seokjin remembers the first impression he had of Yoongi was that he had the chance of being truly lovely someday.











The night turns into a drinking night, somehow. Seokjin doesn’t know how or when it happens, but now they’re both sitting side by side on the floor, the coffee table’s a mess of empty cans, bottles, and wrappers. It’s kind of gross, but they’re both lucky Hoseok is not here to point out how gross they’re being and how they need to clean up. They’ll do it in the morning.

When Seokjin came back from the bathroom, Yoongi was watching an Infinity Challenge rerun. He was laughing at something on screen as Seokjin put the beer, soju, and some dried squid he had found in the cabinets on the table.

Now Seokjin’s listening to a tipsy Yoongi talk about his relationship with Hoim, and he still doesn’t understand how Yoongi can take his break up so lightly. He can’t believe how well he’s doing. Yoongi, who’s hurt so easily, who sulks a lot, who holds grudges for the longest time.

He’s so close that Seokjin can feel how warm his body is. Looking at him in the eye feels weird when they’re this close, so Seokjin focuses on Yoongi’s hands instead. On how he’s tangling and untangling his fingers. “I knew I wasn’t going to marry her and she knew she was not going to marry me.” Yoongi’s fingers are so long and beautiful, Seokjin’s always been a bit in love with them. His skin is so pale it looks translucent and it makes his veins more prominent. Seokjin’s amazed at the thinness of skin that happens just there. He has the sudden urge to touch Yoongi there, to find his pulse.

Seokjin read somewhere that heartbeats could align if one were to feel someone else’s pulse. He wonders if he would be able to feel the beating of his heart in Yoongi’s veins.

“It made our relationship easier,” Yoongi continues. “Maybe because we didn’t feel pressured.” There’s a pause that makes Seokjin turn to look at him. Yoongi’s cocking his head to the side, as if he were weighing something. “I think you took it a lot worse because your relationship was serious.”

Seokjin’s not sure about that. He agreed to marry Goeun because that was what was expected of him. He stops looking at Yoongi to stare at his hands again. “But you loved her; you were in love.”

“I did love her,” Yoongi says solemnly. “I think I may still love her. I don’t know if I was ever in love with her, though.”

There’s a big difference in loving someone and being in love with someone, Seokjin’s learning that the hard way. One of the things he’s realised lately is that he wasn’t in love with Goeun. He loved her, he cared for her. But he wasn’t in love with her. He doesn’t tell that to Yoongi, though. What would that make him if he does.

“I wonder if I’ll ever get to live long enough to love,” Yoongi says next. It’s like an afterthought, like something he’d said to himself when he’s alone. They’ve almost emptied all the alcohol and Seokjin’s left to think about what Yoongi just said. He comes to the conclusion that what he heard was a reason not for soothing himself, but for saving Yoongi. And he wanted to do it, in pursuance of the study of Yoongi’s heart.











Time goes by relentlessly in a mesh of days that seem the same. Seokjin gets lost in the mundane. He starts to heal and feel a little less guilty about the current state of his life.

On his thirtieth birthday he waits until midnight to check who hasn’t forgotten about him. He knows it’s masochistic, but as the years go by there’s been less and less messages congratulating him. Seokjin knows he should be thankful, since the fans never forget and flood social media with messages and greetings, but it’s something entirely different than getting messages from your friends and family.

He gets a couple of text from his high school friends on their group chat. They’re all the same age, so it’s good that they have one another to commiserate about being thirty.

“I still feel like a teenager,” one of his friends confesses.

“Me too! I don’t even know how I can be considered an adult. My life is a fucking mess,” another one writes.

Seokjin can relate. He has no idea where time went. What has he been doing? Almost all of his friends are married now.

There’s another ping on his phone and this time it’s Hoseok wishing him a nice birthday. “I’m always thankful to have met you, hyung,” he says. Seokjin feels like crying. He doesn’t know what he’d do without the rest of the members in his life. What would his life be like if he hadn’t met them? He’d probably be like his high school friends, who are married and some even have kids, but who complain about being miserable whenever they meet. Married life is not an easy feat, Seokjin thinks he made the right choice when he decided not to marry Goeun. He would’ve only hurt her.

He texts Hoseok a crying sticker and Hoseok replies with a crying sticker of his own.

Then his phone rings and Seokjin panics a bit when he sees his hyung’s caller ID. He thinks about not picking up and his brain quickly comes up with excuses. I was busy. I was too tired from practice so I feel asleep. My phone ran out of battery. But he hasn’t talked to his hyung in what feels like a lifetime and he misses him, so he picks up with a heavy heart.

“Seokjinah!” Seokjin hears as soon as he picks up, “Happy Birthday, my dongsaeng.” Then there’s his sister in law’s voice in the background yelling, “Happy Birthday, Seokjinie!” It’s so nice to hear them both, Seokjin feels overwhelmed.

“My little dongsaeng,” Seokjung says, there’s so much affection in his voice that it makes Seokjin’s heart ache. Seokjung’s always been so emotional. “Who would’ve thought you’d get to be thirty. I still remember when you were a little shit.”

Suddenly, Seokjin’s brain is filled with memories of them growing up. Seokjung used to give him so much grief when they were kids, but he was also quick to defend him whenever he messed up. He remembers a particular time when he horribly failed one of his tests and was banned from using the computer for a month. He was so miserable; he didn’t know how to make his parents understand that he had studied, that he had tried, and that he was sorry the end result was not that good. He felt like a failure at the time, like he wasn’t good at anything. He didn’t tell this to anyone though, since he was so scared the rest of his family members would find out and would throw him out of the house. But his hyung knew. He went on strike and refused to eat until Seokjin stopped being grounded. He also promised to help Seokjin study, and even when he would often complain about wasting his time trying to make Seokjin understand maths, he had been very proud when Seokjin got a passing grade on his next test.

Seokjin’s always been loved, and the sudden realisation makes him want to cry.

Before hanging up, Seokjung tells Seokjin to call their parents.

“I think Mum’s hurt, more than angry,” he says. “But I’m sure she’s waiting for you to call her.”

Seokjin’s terrified of her. His dad always pointed out how similar they both were. “Maybe that’s why you’re always quarrelling.”

Still, Seokjin doesn’t think he’s as scary as her when he’s angry. At least there are still things and people Seokjin’s afraid of—he hates ghosts, bugs, and he’s terrified of Yoongi, Jimin, and Hoseok whenever they get upset—but his mum is not afraid of anything or anyone.

“I’ll call her tomorrow morning,” he says into the receiver. As soon as he hangs up there’s a soft knocking at his door.

“Come in,” Seokjin says, feeling a bit weird. Usually, Yoongi just barges into the room—it’s an unconscious thing from when they used to share rooms, Seokjin supposes; though he doesn’t have any evidence to prove his point, nor has Yoongi ever hinted at something that would make Seokjin believe this to be true.

Yoongi comes in then. He looks like he ate something wrong. Seokjin’s about to ask him if he’s okay, when he throws something that he was holding behind him into Seokjin’s bed.
“It came,” he says before turning to leave.

Seokjin has to sit up to grab the bag Yoongi flung at him. It’s an unwrapped baseball cap, and when Seokjin opens the bag to take it out, he realises it’s from Yoongi’s favourite brand. It’s black and it has a skull on it, and it’s so unlike Seokjin’s style that it makes him wonder why Yoongi bought it for him. As Seokjin unfolds the cap, he finds a note inside in Yoongi’s scratchy handwriting.

“Hope you like it,” it reads. There’s no Birthday greeting or signature, it doesn’t even say the note is addressed to him. It’s such a Yoongi thing to do that all Seokjin can do is laugh as he tries the cap on. It fits perfectly. It even looks cool on him, intimidating skull and all.

He grabs his phone to open Katalk and decides to text Yoongi directly instead of sending a message to the Bangtan group chat to brag about the present Yoongi gave him. For some reason he feels this is personal, intimate. Yoongi could have easily wait for any other time to give him the present, but he decided to do it in the middle of the night. “Thanks, Yoongi-yah,” he texts. “I love it.”

“Happy Birthday, hyung,” Yoongi replies almost immediately.











Seokjin stopped going to his parents’ house when he moved back to the dorm. It wasn’t premeditated; Seokjin was still planning on spending time with his parents—or at least call them—but then he realised he dreaded even the idea of having to be in the same room with them or to listen to their disappointment over the phone. So he stopped. It’s been the longest time in his life he’s spent without interacting with his parents. He calls his mum early the next morning. All through the night he had the weirdest dreams; in most of them he tried to call his mum, but all he could hear was her waiting tone, some classical piece of music.

Now as he listens to her waiting tone, he hopes his dreams were not premonitory.

“Hello?” Seokjin’s startled out of his thoughts when he hears his mum’s voice. “Seokjin-ah?”

“Hi, mum,” Seokjin says. His heart constricts, he’s missed her so much. It’s been almost two months since he last talked to her, which is probably the longest time they’ve spent not talking to each other. “Thank you for giving birth to me.”

“Oh, Seokjinie,” his mum says. She sounds like she’s near tears, and that makes Seokjin want to cry as well. It’s so stupid, now that he thinks about it. He should have talked to his mum right away. He should’ve told her how he felt, why he decided not to marry Goeun. She would’ve understood. What she probably didn’t understand was the silence that followed. Even when he used to go to his parents’ house after the break up, all he did was hide in his room and try not to look at his parents faces for fear of what he could have find in their eyes. After all, one of Seokjin’s biggest fears is disappointing his mum.

“I’m sorry, mum,” Seokjin says. He’s crying. It’s ugly, but at least he’s relieved to know no one’s there to watch him. Small mercies.

“Oh, Seokjinie,” his mum says again. She pauses and Seokjin can hear her blowing her nose. He can picture her so vividly. Judging by the time of day, she’s probably in the kitchen making breakfast for her and dad. He closes his eyes and can smell the eggs being cooked, the coffee brewing on the machine. He longs to see her, to give her a hug. “You didn’t do anything wrong, son.”

At this, Seokjin starts sobbing. He tries not to be too loud because he’s scared Yoongi can hear him in the next room. He knows Yoongi sleeps like a log, but one can never be too careful.

“I love you, mum,” Seokjin says between sobs. He can hear his mum bawling at the other end of the line. “Thank you.”

“I love you too, son,” his mum replies. “Come visit us soon.”











Seokjin lays in bed for a while after he hangs up. He’s expected in the company in a couple of hours to film some videos for the end of the year award shows. He hopes he won’t be scolded too much for his swollen eyes after all the crying and decides to take some ice bags with him as he rides to the company.

He gets ambushed by Jungkook, when he gets there.

“Happy Birthday, hyung,” he yells into Seokjin’s ears as he manhandles him into a gentle arm lock.
“Aigoo, Jungkook-ah,” Seokjin whines. “Hyung’s getting a bit old for this kind of games.”

“Hyung, what does it feel to be thirty years old,” Jungkook says as he lets him go. He puts emphasis on the last bit in a teasing manner, but all jokes stop when he gets to look at Seokjin’s face. “Hyung,” he says, worriedly.

“Jungkook-ah,” Seokjin replies with as much reassurance as he can give right now. “Hyung’s fine. I’ve been having an emotional day so far.” He pats Jungkook’s butt, in a last attempt to dispel the worry.

Jungkook hugs him, then. Tight and hard. “I’m sure thirty is a great age to be, hyung,” he says. Oh, Jungkookie. “Don’t feel sad about getting old.”

Seokjin doesn’t care about getting old. He just doesn’t think he’s done much growing up, is all.

Then someone else joins in the hug, and Seokjin’s sandwiched between two bodies. He can’t see who’s the other person, but from their scent and the high pitched fake crying noises they’re making, he realises it’s Hoseok.

“Our Seokjinie hyung,” he cries. “Happy Birthday.” Seokjin tries to manoeuvre himself out of the suffocating embrace, but it’s futile. Jungkook’s hold on him is too strong. It feels kind of good though, in a weird sort of way. It’s been a long time since he’s hugged someone.

“You two are going to kill me,” he says, finally extricating himself out of their smothering hold. He fixes his hair using his reflection on one of the glass doors, then turns to scold them. “And then what? I’d die at my prime and the world will miss out on my most handsome years.”

Hoseok’s shocked when he looks at him. “Hyung...” he says in the same worried tone Jungkook used earlier. Seokjin hates to worry his dongsaengs.

“Am I that handsome?” He asks in an attempt to change the atmosphere. He turns to see his reflection in the glass door again, but he can’t see his face that well. Is it really that bad? His manager said he looked decent and he trusted his judgement, but surely his members would know better.

“Actually, hyung. I’m sure it’d be alright with some make up,” says Hoseok. Bless his kind heart.

“Did you cry a lot because you realised you’re getting older?” Namjoon appears out of nowhere, startling Seokjin. He’s as crass as ever, but that’s one of the things Seokjin likes the most about their friendship. “Happy Birthday, hyung.”

Seokjin scoffs. “No,” he says. He realises, belatedly, that he sounds completely fake, but he decides to go with it since he thinks telling the truth would make things uncomfortable.

“Sure, hyung,” Namjoon says. And that’s that. They all walk to their makeup room. Jungkook puts his hand on Seokjin’s shoulder and says, “don’t listen to Namjoon hyung. You still look young and handsome.”

“Thank you, Jungkookie.”











There’s a Birthday celebration in between takes, mostly to be recorded for the fans. It’s tradition by now that a couple of members would sneakily go out when they’re all hanging out together in a room to set up the cake and the candles and then turn off the lights as they come in. It’s cute, even if they don’t really eat the cake afterwards.

Seokjin acts surprised for the cameras, but he basks in the love and the attention. Jimin insists on pulling on his hat rubber band, and it stings when he lets it go. Seokjin’s worried about leaving a bruise so he puts both of his index fingers together.

“Our friendship is over,” he says. “Break it.”

“Never!” Jimin shouts. He grabs Seokjin’s hands and kisses them.











Later, Taehyung clings to him as if his life depended on it.

“I love you, hyung,” he says. He’s such a sweet child. Seokjin’s been getting videos and messages from his friends talking about how much they appreciate Seokjin’s hard work and how much they like him. It’s heart-warming and it makes him a bit self-conscious. He’s not supposed to show his weak side to his dongsaengs.

“But we’re a family!” Taehyung yells into his ear as he clings to him while they’re walking back to the set.

“I get it, Taehyung-ah,” Seokjin pleads. “But you’re going to give me a hernia.” Taehyung’s always been a big puppy. Seokjin remembers when he first met him. Those big eyes and his big ears sticking out. It was winter time. He was wearing an expensive red padding coat and everyone made fun of him until Seokjin found him crying one day because the coat had been his mum’s gift.

“She said I needed to look like a city boy now that I was going to move to Seoul,” Taehyung said between sobs that broke Seokjin’s heart and made him realise how much of an asshole he had been to this sweet, sensitive kid.

“I’m sorry, Taehyungie,” said Seokjin. “We were wrong.”

At this Taehyung cried some more while Seokjin hugged him awkwardly. They weren’t that close back then, or at least Seokjin didn’t think they were. But Taehyung cried easily in his arms, and that made Seokjin realise how young he was, how he needed to be careful with his words and his actions because he never wanted to hurt this kid again.











They all go back to the dorm after the shoot. Thankfully, the stylists were able to work their magic on Seokjin so his swollen eyes went unnoticed.

Seokjin gets there last, with Yoongi, and when he opens the door he’s welcomed with party poppers that almost give him a heart attack.

“I told you those were a bad idea,” Yoongi says as he unceremoniously takes off his shoes. It’s been a while since the entrance had these many shoes. It’s messy. Seokjin’s pretty sure Hoseok would be complaining if it were any other occasion. But today he brushes off confetti out of Seokjin’s coat as he walks into the flat.

“Sorry, hyung,” he says. One of the things Seokjin loves the most about Hoseok is that he always sounds sincere. “We wanted to surprise you.”

“You want to know what I think?” Seokjin asks, high pitched and indignant. Jimin hurries to join Hoseok in taking the confetti off Seokjin. He’s on his tip toes trying to brush his hair. “I think you wanted to scare me to death.”

Jimin tires of being on his tip toes so he makes Seokjin bend down his head to see if there’s more confetti, which prompts Seokjin to push him off gently. “And this kid is trying to break my neck!” He yells.

Seokjin knows he’s making a scene, but he can’t help that it’s an unconscious reaction from being overwhelmed. As he walks to the living room, complaining about how his own group mates are trying to kill him on his very own birthday no less, he catches Taehyung and Jungkook sticking balloons to a big low quality banner that reads, “Happy 30th Birthday, Jjin.” It’s flashy and colourful and tacky and Seokjin loves it; he’s just not ready or used to getting so much attention.

“You should’ve held him up for a bit,” Namjoon says from where he’s blowing up balloons.

“They almost killed him, Namjoon-ah,” Yoongi provides. Seokjin’s incredibly thankful for that, since he’s so overwhelmed that he’s scared of saying something, only to make everyone realise he’s on the verge of tears.

“We did not!” Jimin yells. “We were just trying to surprise him!”

“Well, your idea of a surprise almost killed him,” Yoongi says deadpan. He and Jimin start bantering then, and Seokjin’s thankful for the distraction.

Jimin should know by now how tiring arguing with Yoongi is, but for some reason he always takes Yoongi’s baits. No matter what Jimin says, Seokjin knows Yoongi’d have a comeback or he would twist Jimin’s words so as to make him look bad. Arguing with Yoongi is always a futile attempt.

“It’s not our fault he’s such a scaredy cat!”

“If you knew how much of a scaredy cat hyung is, then you should’ve known not to use those deadly party poppers.”

There’s a chirp on Jimin’s phone then, so he tells Yoongi to hold the thought and runs to the door.

“Jungkook-ah,” they hear Jimin yell from the door. “Help!”

Both Jungkook and Taehyung stand up to lend Jimin a hand.

“What’s going on now?” Seokjin asks the rest of the members. They’re all sitting on the same couch Seokjin and Yoongi spent nights watching films and bad television. It looks so different now, but it’s still cosy. Hoseok shrugs and when Namjoon opens his mouth to say something, Hoseok clears his throat in an effort to shut him up.

“I have no idea,” Namjoon says in such fake a tone that it makes Hoseok laugh.

When Seokjin turns to look at Yoongi, he finds him staring at him with a soft smile and fond eyes. Seokjin’s heart flutters as if he were a high school girl meeting her crush’s eyes for the first time. It’s ridiculous.

The worst, though, is that Yoongi gets flustered by Seokjin’s inquiring eyes. He breaks eye contact and hides his smile—that Seokjin can see is growing exponentially—behind his hand.

“The food is here!” Jungkook shouts then, carrying a bunch of plastic bags. Jimin and Taehyung follow behind with more bags.

“I ordered everything,” Jimin says. He hands Seokjin a paper bag that looks fancier than the plastic ones.

Seokjin peaks inside and smells seafood. “No way,” he says. “Sausalito!?” He looks up at Jimin, who’s still standing in front of him, probably waiting for praise. “You’re the best, Jiminie! You truly know hyung’s heart,” Seokjin declares while standing up and giving Jimin a heartfelt hug.

“Happy Birthday, hyung,” Jimin says as he hugs Seokjin tightly, then, “are you happy?”

“I am,” Seokjin replies. He is. He truly is. He watches the rest of them setting up the table. It’s been so long since they’ve been together like this. Just hanging out without a bunch of cameras surrounding him.











When Yoongi brings out his bottles of hard liquor he usually hides in his room; the rest decide it’s time to leave.

“The last time I drank that,” Hoseok says as he hurries to clean their mess from the table, “I was hung over for a week.”

“That’s because you’re a lightweight, hyung,” Jimin teases. “My hangover lasted three days.” He joins Hoseok and takes the empty plastic containers from his hands then walks to the kitchen.

“Mine lasted for two days,” says Jungkook, triumphantly. Jimin comes back with a bin bag and hands it to Hoseok.

“It’s not a competition, Jungkookie,” Namjoon says fondly. “But now that we’re talking about Yoongi hyung’s poisonous alcoholic beverage. My hangover lasted so long I can’t even remember.”

“You and Hoseok hyung are getting old,” Taehyung declares. He stands up and walks to the kitchen, probably to wash the plastic containers before throwing them out.

“Yah!” Seokjin yells to his retreating back. “You didn’t even drink!”

“That wasn’t my point!” Taehyung yells back from the kitchen.

“The point is that you’re all wrong because this shit is expensive and expensive drinks don’t give you hangovers,” announces Yoongi. “So you’re all full of shit.”

Seokjin wishes to disagree. The last time he drank Yoongi’s hard liquor he blacked out for an entire day and now he doesn’t remember what he did. But he’s also in the mood to get hammered tonight so he keeps his mouth closed.

They finish cleaning in no time. Seokjin isn’t allowed to do anything and Yoongi doesn’t lift a finger to help, stating he paid for the food and, hence, had done his fair share.

“But you made me order the food, hyung,” Jimin complains.

“Then you should’ve also paid for it,” Yoongi replies.

“Yes,” Jimin says, conceding. But he still half hugs Yoongi before walking out the door, even when Yoongi tells him to get off him and to hurry up and go.

“Happy Birthday, hyung,” Jimin tells Seokjin into his ear as he hugs him this time. Someone yells Jimin’s name from the entrance, annoyed at having to wait for him, but Jimin still takes his time tightening his hold on Seokjin and giving him a questioning look. Except Seokjin doesn’t know what he’s trying to ask. “Be happy, okay?” He says then. It’s awkward, since Jimin’s standing and Seokjin’s sitting on the couch. Both of Jimin’s arms are on Seokjin’s shoulder, and Seokjin’s neck hurts already from looking up, but there’s so much affection in Jimin’s eyes that he can’t look away. “You have to be happy, hyung.” He kisses Seokjin’s head before running towards the door like a little kid who’s late for school.

“What’s wrong with that kid?” Seokjin asks, but when he turns to look at Yoongi, he’s already pouring alcohol into their shot glasses. They were a fan gift, from when they were allowed. Seokjin always loved them because they had tiny little legs that reminded him of Yoongi’s. Not that he ever said that out loud. He looks at his own glass shot—pale pink—and smiles.

“He’s always been weird,” Yoongi replies. He takes his glass and waits for Seokjin to drink.

“True,” Seokjin says. He downs his drink. The alcohol doesn’t really smell so it doesn’t burn that much when it passes his throat. Still, it’s strong. Seokjin can feel it already in the way it makes his aching muscles relax. “I forgot how good this is,” he says.

“But the hangover is brutal,” Yoongi says laughing. “I have no idea what we’re going to do tomorrow.” Now that the rest of the members are not here, he can allow himself to acknowledge this. It’s one of the things Seokjin likes the most about his relationship with Yoongi; the fact that they bullshit their way out of every situation when it’s not in their favour, but allow themselves to be honest when it’s just the two of them.

“Well, I’m glad we don’t have an official schedule,” Seokjin says as he pours them another shot. “Practice is not until late in the afternoon so we’re good.”

“We can skip it,” Yoongi says. There’s something in his eyes tonight that Seokjin can’t seem to figure out. It’s subtle, he’s his usual self, but he’s mellower, softer. Like all his edges have rounded, and his lovely eyes, the place where Seokjin’s heart founders most.

Then they smile. Yoongi smiles, like there’s some joke in the room that he wants to share.

“And disappoint Hobi?” Seokjin asks. He pours another shot, afraid that he’ll do something incredibly stupid if he keeps looking at Yoongi. “Never.”

“You’re right,” Yoongi says. He’s so tipsy already that his cheeks have turned pink and his voice has become something downy, like a grey cotton candy. His phone lights up and when he looks at it, Seokjin can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Maybe it’s Hoim. Seokjin wouldn’t be surprised if they got back together.

“Jiminie and Jungkookie got home safe,” Yoongi says. Then, “your Birthday is over, hyung.”

Seokjin feels like a fool. He’s not drunk enough to not notice he was being ridiculous. Yoongi’s love life shouldn’t concern him. “Nothing lasts forever,” he says. He downs his shot, and even if it goes down smoothly again, he starts feeling light-headed. So he decides to stop drinking alcohol for a bit and pours himself some water in a cup someone left behind.

Yoongi, on the other hand, pours himself another shot.

“I know,” he says as he takes a sip.

“I wish Bangtan could last forever though,” Seokjin declares.

“Me too,” Yoongi agrees. “My younger self wanted the whole world to know my name, but now it’s okay if people don’t remember who I was. Though I do want people to remember Bangtan the way they remember other world known artists.”

Seokjin smiles at his cup of water. It’s so much like Yoongi to easily admit how much he’s changed, especially because it doesn’t come that easy for Seokjin, since he doesn’t think he’s changed. “I’ve sort of always known Bangtan was bigger than myself,” he says. He looks at Yoongi—who’s maintaining eye contact now that he’s drunk—and looks away after a couple of seconds. “I know I don’t play that big of a part in the group, and I’m fine with that. I’m talking about my relationships. Most of them don’t last. I don’t have that many friends and my only celebrity friend is Sandeulie, who basically has to drag me out of the house to do stuff.” Seokjin laughs, realising he’s said too much. But when he looks at Yoongi again, he finds him looking back and slowly blinking at him as if waiting for him to continue. “But Goeun noona… those friends I made in university, before I started training... there’s a graveyard where everything I’m talking about is buried now.”

Yoongi sighs, “aigoo, hyung,” he says. Seokjin sighs, too. He feels his entire face burning. Maybe he said too much. “I liked that last part, though. The graveyard bit. Maybe I can use it in a song. I’ll credit you, of course.”

There are so few people given us to love, Seokjin wants to tell Yoongi this. Instead he downs his shot and decides to stop drinking altogether. If he keeps drinking like this, he knows he’ll say something that he won’t be able to take back.

There are so few people given us to love that each time people fall in love, it’s important. Even at nineteen, when Seokjin started training. Especially at nineteen. And if you can count the people you love with one hand at nineteen, you won’t have run out of fingers on the other at thirty. There are so few people given us to love and they all stick.

“I’ll give you full permission to use my words,” Seokjin says, whenever he gets drunk he uses big words and sounds like a politician. The rest of the members always tease him about it. “For whatever purpose you deem important.”

Yoongi laughs wholeheartedly. The sight makes Seokjin feel lightheaded, as if he were sitting on clouds instead of in their kitchen. He has some flashbacks, even if he’s drank with Yoongi just like this lots of times. Now that it’s just the two of them, he’s filled with images of Yoongi laughing just like he’s laughing right now. He was younger, though, a little rougher around the edges. And then there’s the impossible feeling of Yoongi’s lips on his. Seokjin’s not sober enough to stop himself from talking.

“Yoongi-yah,” he says, and he sounds so alien, so vulnerable and mushy that he doesn’t recognise his own voice. Yoongi must’ve realised this too because he stops laughing immediately and is now looking at Seokjin from across the table with confused eyes. Seokjin can’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth now. “Remember that time when you hurt your shoulder? Did we ever... that time...” He can stop now, if he comes up with a joke, it’ll be as if nothing ever happened. But Yoongi’s still looking expectantly, Seokjin’s hypnotised. “Did we kiss?”

“Yes,” Yoongi says, and Seokjin feels a rush of love for him.

He waits for Yoongi to say something else. Instead Yoongi breaks eye contact and moves to pour himself another shot. He spills a bit of liquor on the table and Seokjin realises he’s completely wasted. They’ve drank more than half the bottle by themselves.

The silence rings loud on Seokjin’s ears. Usually, he’s completely comfortable sharing silence with Yoongi, but there’s so much tension between them that Seokjin doesn’t know what he’ll do if he doesn’t say anything.

“I thought I had dreamt it,” he confesses. It’s easy to look at Yoongi’s face now that he knows he probably won’t remember what they talked about. “But I... there were some... things I remember so vividly.” Seokjin’s eyes betray him and travel towards Yoongi’s pretty mouth. He hopes against hope Yoongi doesn’t notice, but when he looks into his eyes again he can see Yoongi’s not missing a trick.

“Yeah, I figured that was the case,” Yoongi says. He looks down at his hands and Seokjin can’t help but follow his gaze. He always thought Yoongi’s hands were beautiful. His long pianist fingers and his almost translucent skin. Seokjin’s transfixed.

He looks up at Yoongi’s face again and the need to kiss him creeps out of him like a wolf. Yoongi’s still staring at his hands, and there’s something so inherently lovely about him that Seokjin’s desire reaches him like a distinct message from deep within, from a place he has never sensed before, but recognises immediately.

“What’s it to you,” Seokjin says. He doesn’t know what any of it means. The fact that he’s having these complicated feelings for Yoongi, that maybe he’s had these complicated feelings for Yoongi all along. He was just too stupid and blind to see.

“Everything,” Yoongi replies. He looks up at Seokjin again. Seokjin’s heart is threatening to break out of his chest. “What do you think?”

It’s early morning when Seokjin wakes up. The first thing he notices is that he’s on his own bed, even if he doesn’t recall exactly how he got there. The next thing he notices is the discomfort he feels all over his body. His muscles ache, and he has a mild headache that gets worse every time he tries to move.

With his eyes closed, he reaches for his phone on his bed side table, only to find it under his pillow. He checks the time opening only one eye. 8:26 a.m. At what time did he even go to bed? Then it hits him like a tidal wave, all the things he told Yoongi the night before. How hard he fought the desire building in his lower belly. Yoongi’s lovely face, his hair tousled, and his lips so pink Seokjin almost went mad trying to control the mad urge he had of kissing him senseless right then and there.

For a paranoid moment, Seokjin believes he actually got to kiss him. The memory of how his impossibly soft lips felt is so fresh in his mind, but then he realises he’s remembering that time they kissed, all those years ago.

It’s absurd how clearly he remembers that kiss, when he can’t even remember the last time he kissed his ex-girlfriend.

But it’s not just the kiss, or the remembered kiss that makes Seokjin realise he may be in love with Yoongi now, nine years too late. It’s the way Yoongi waited for Seokjin to say something. It’s the way he told Seokjin last night the kiss meant everything to him, but still decided not to push. It’s the way he knew he couldn’t take Seokjin now; the way he would only meet him, and that only ever halfway. Seokjin thinks he’s ready for that. He thinks he’s ready to be met.











Seokjin passes out and when he wakes up, a couple of hours later, the whole thing happens again. Flashbacks of last night take over his brain and for a hot moment he’s convinced he kissed Yoongi again.

The headache has subsided, and even if his muscles still ache, he realises he’s starving. Instead of going to the kitchen to find something to eat, Seokjin lays very still in bed trying to think about the implications of everything Yoongi said last night. Suddenly, every little thing Yoongi’s ever said or done take on a different light. Seokjin can’t move, the magnitude of their entire relationship taking on a different meaning weighs on him like a huge load he isn’t sure he’ll be able to carry.

But he’s getting ahead of himself. It’ll be unfair to come to these conclusions when Yoongi hasn’t said anything outright, nor has he asked for anything from him.

Seokjin doesn’t know why Yoongi was so honest with him, but it made him feel less alone. And that’s a feeling he wants to hold on to, for now.











After a couple of hours of staring at the ceiling and pondering about his current state of affairs, Seokjin decides he feels fine enough to stand up and make something to sustain his mild hangover.

Yoongi’s door is closed when he gets out of his bedroom, and something in the innermost part of Seokjin wants to knock and ask if he’s doing okay. If Yoongi were any of the other members, Seokjin’d have knocked without even thinking twice about it. But Yoongi’s different. Seokjin’s known this since the beginning, since he met him, almost ten years ago. Yoongi made him feel insecure about his own passion; he was so steadfast about what he wanted to do and where he wanted to get to in life that it made Seokjin question his own decisions.

“You need to want this as bad as the rest of us,” Yoongi told him once after dance practice, before they debuted. It had been particularly brutal on Seokjin that day; he was so exhausted trying to balance his classes and training that he wasn’t able to keep up with the rest of them.

I want this, Seokjin wanted to say. But there was something in Yoongi’s eyes that made him realise it was different for him. That his want and Yoongi’s want were different.

After that, Seokjin started staying after practice ended so he could go through the dance moves one more time. No matter how exhausted he was or how he used to fall asleep in the car sometimes and didn’t make it home. He stayed.

Seokjin inspects the fridge and decides there are enough ingredients to make a pretty decent haejangguk so he lays them on the counter and starts to cook.

As he’s cutting beef, Yoongi appears. He silently grabs a cup, pours himself some water, and sits at the kitchen table. Seokjin, who’s easily startled, doesn’t even flinch when he sees Yoongi appear out of the corner of his eye. Instead his heart starts pounding in his chest, as if he were running a marathon.

“I’m never drinking again,” Yoongi says. His voice is rough, as if it were coming from some cavern inside of him. Seokjin hates the way it makes him feel, especially since he’s heard it lots of times before and was unaffected by it.

“Haha,” Seokjin replies, realising belatedly that he sounds awkward. He focuses extra hard on cutting the green onions and the tofu, but his eyes betray him and when he looks at Yoongi, his heart tightens.

“I mean it this time,” Yoongi declares. His head is resting on his arms on the table and his eyes are closed, and even if his hair is a mess, it still looks impossibly soft. Seokjin’s so transfixed that he doesn’t realise the pot is overflowing.

“You’re making such a mess,” Yoongi says, opening his eyes and staring right at Seokjin’s soul. “Who’s going to clean that up?”

Seokjin scoffs. He was caught red handed. He feels incredibly silly, like a high school girl with a crush so huge everyone can notice how besotted he is. It’s unsettling and scary. “Yah,” he says, turning down the heat and trying to sound nonchalant but sounding baffled instead. “Is this how you talk to someone who went to great lengths to make you haejangguk so you could feel better after drinking so much last night?” He can hear himself getting louder and louder with each word and he can feel his entire upper body getting hot from the lack of oxygen, but he can’t stop, for the life of him. He’s so overwhelmed.

Yoongi laughs then covers his head with both his hands. “My head’s going to explode,” he says; he’s clearly in pain. Serves him right for being so damn beautiful even when he looks like a wreck.

Seokjin puts the rest of the ingredients in the pot and covers it with the lid. He’s done making the haejangguk, now he only has to boil it for an hour. At this realisation, he starts to panic because that means he’s going to have to be in the same room with Yoongi until the food is ready. He frightfully searches for things to do. He’s lucky there are lots of things to clean, so gets to work.

“Hyung,” Yoongi says. Seokjin’s so startled by this that he drops the knife he’s washing and nearly cuts himself. Yoongi’s going to be the death of him.

“What?” Seokjin asks. He’s not facing Yoongi so he doesn’t know where in the room he is, though he’s probably still sitting at the table.

There’s silence after that. “What?” Seokjin repeats. But Yoongi’s not replying. Maybe he fell asleep or maybe he left the room. Seokjin should turn around and check on him, but he’s scared of what he’ll find in Yoongi’s eyes.

As he rinses the things he used to cook, Seokjin remembers what happened after he and Yoongi kissed, all those years ago. He had no idea how to know if it had been real or not. The only way of finding out the truth was asking Yoongi, and that scared him shitless. He’d known Yoongi was into boys and girls; Yoongi had made that clear. But he didn’t know if he himself was into boys and girls, too. So far he’d never thought about boys that way, but Yoongi had something that had drawn him from the moment they had met.

In the end Seokjin avoided Yoongi for a few days, just so that Yoongi didn’t have the chance to avoid him. Seokjin may have been older than him, but he was petty like that. Besides, he didn’t want to be in the field of Yoongi’s power. In a way, Seokjin envied his lightness and the beauty he carried with such ease.

Now he doesn’t know if he can do that again.

When he finally turns around he finds Yoongi not sleeping, but staring at him instead. His head’s still resting on the table, and there’s something in his eyes that tell Seokjin, loud and clear, that he’s waiting for him to do something.

“Hyung,” Yoongi says again, and this time Seokjin can’t utter a word. His heart is going to burst out of his chest and onto Yoongi’s lap, where it belongs. “I meant it... everything,” he declares. His voice is rough and reassuring, and Seokjin’s disarmed. “I meant it too, back when we were younger.”

Seokjin thinks he knows what Yoongi means with this. Don’t avoid me, this time. Just tell me where you stand and I’ll accept whatever you choose. It’s implicit, but it doesn’t mean Seokjin knows how to respond to that. There are so many things at stake.

The only thing he’s sure about is that Yoongi was in love with him. There’s really no point in going over his reasons. He loved Seokjin. He loves him still. He wants to drag him back to the land of the living. And maybe now that Seokjin’s soul is soft, he wants to leave his mark there, too.











There’s so much tension between them that Seokjin can’t sit still and everything Yoongi tells him makes his heart beat so fast and so loud that he’s scared the entire planet would be able to hear it.

“Thank you for the food, hyung,” Yoongi says as he stands up from the table. Seokjin almost chokes on the last bits of rice he has in his mouth. “I don’t think it had the contents to be called a proper haejangguk, but it sure cured my headache.”

When Seokjin looks up to reproach, he finds Yoongi smiling at the other side of the table, and something in Seokjin’s chest—probably his heart—rearranges in the shape of Yoongi. It’s the worst day to have a revelation, but if it’s not now, when?

Just like that, the knot at the bottom of Seokjin’s belly—home to both fear and desire—stirs like an incoming tide. He’s lucky Yoongi’s so oblivious, he thinks as Yoongi picks up all the dishes and takes them to the sink to wash.

“You should start getting ready, hyung,” Yoongi offers kindly. Seokjin closes his eyes. If he keeps looking at Yoongi, he fears he’s going to do something he’ll later regret. Like kiss him senseless against the kitchen counter.

It would be unfair for Seokjin to get into whatever Yoongi’s picturing in his head without thinking first about the consequences of his actions. The last time he rushed into a relationship, he ended up breaking Goeun’s heart. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to forgive himself if he ever hurts Yoongi.











The ride to the company is ponderous. Yoongi seems unperturbed as he puts on his earphones and closes his eyes, but Seokjin’s too jittery to do the same. He stares out the window and watches people go on their everyday life. He often wonders what his life would be like if he hadn’t become an idol. He’d probably have become an average actor. One that’s mostly hired for his face instead of his talent.

But then again, he could’ve not make it to the screen. In all honesty, Seokjin knows the only reason he’s made it this far is because of the rest of his members. Watching them work so hard motivates him to become better and better, too. In a way, they need one another to make their dreams happen.

Seokjin tries to think about how things were like before he met the rest of Bangtan and the only thing he’s able to identify is that he’s never been so understood and loved as he is when he’s with them.

He doesn’t think people remember their family in any real sense. They live in them, instead.











Practice goes on uneventfully, except for the way Seokjin’s heart threatens to get out of his chest every time Yoongi smiles or looks at him or laughs full heartedly at a silly joke or makes a mistakes or breathes. By now Seokjin’s realised that he’s never been in love with anyone in his life, and when he does fall in love it’s only because he finds that it’s already slipping away from him.











“You’re wearing the birthday gift Yoongi hyung gave you,” Namjoon says. They’re both hanging out in the practice room after they decided to stay a while longer to go through the steps one more time so that they don’t slow the others down. Even when they don’t know when the new song is going to be released, they still need to work hard and try to be as perfect as they can be.

Seokjin wishes he could say that he didn’t think much when he put the cap on as he was getting ready, but for most of the day he’s been hyper aware he’s displaying Yoongi’s present on his head. Usually, he’d wear whatever the members give him for his birthday, but today it feels different, as if it were something intimate between Yoongi and him. Yoongi looked pleased when he saw Seokjin as they left the dorm. Even if he didn’t say anything, his soft smile and the way he looked at Seokjin made him feel like he was on fire.

“I needed something to hide my messy hair,” Seokjin replies. He isn’t telling the truth, but he isn’t lying either. His hair is fine, but it’s incredibly long and he doesn’t like it when he gets sweaty and his wet hair covers his eyes.

Namjoon laughs softly, like he knows Seokjin isn’t being entirely honest with him. Seokjin loves him very much—he’s one of his best friends—but sometimes he’s able to read Seokjin easily and that unnerves him.

“You know, Yoongi hyung went home early a day before your birthday so he could give you that present.” Namjoon’s voice has gone low and soft, like it does whenever he’s saying something important. He laughs again. “I know you probably know, but Yoongi hyung’s been in love with you for ages.”

Seokjin would be lying if he told Namjoon he didn’t know. He knows. He’s managed to figure it out. It’s a shame it took him so long, though. “I know,” Seokjin says, “but I haven’t known for long.”

“That’s understandable,” Namjoon says. “I think he thought he got over it when he started dating Hoim-sshi, but I guess he never got the chance.”

Seokjin’s taken aback by this. “Wasn’t she the one who broke up with Yoongi?”

Namjoon scoffs. He can be such a little shit when he wants to. “Hoim-sshi knew Yoongi was in love with you, hyung,” he says, “that’s why she broke up with him.”

“Yoongi told me it was because she wanted to take Goeun noona’s side.”

“That’s what she told Yoongi hyung,” Namjoon says. Seokjin can see a stupid smirk forming on his stupid face. He wants to both punch Namjoon in the face and go find Yoongi and pry for whatever it is he hasn’t told him. But he can’t seem to move, as much as he’s annoyed with Namjoon, he wants to hear what he has to say. “Hyejungie told me.” So Namjoon’s girlfriend was on it, too. Seokjin’s so mortified about how much everyone seems to know about him, even things he doesn’t know about. “I guess she just wants Yoongi hyung to be happy and she knows she’s not the one who can do that right now. The same way you knew you couldn’t make Goeun noona happy. Isn’t that why you broke up with her, hyung?”

As much as Namjoon is clumsy, he can be very perceptive, too. It’s one of the things that make his friendship with Seokjin so easy and comfortable. He can read Seokjin with no effort, but he knows Seokjin hates to be seen so he leaves a lot of things unsaid. It’s the same with Yoongi, in a way.

“I know you’re probably freaking out, hyung,” Namjoon says now. He puts a hand on Seokjin’s shoulder, to offer some consolation. “I think that’s why Yoongi hyung has been so wary about what he says and does.”

Seokjin’s silent for a while. He needs to rearrange his thoughts. He’s thankful Namjoon’s patient enough to stay by his side. “But I thought she was the one that made Yoongi change and by happy.”

”I think you may be right,” Namjoon concedes. “But I also think I know Yoongi hyung well enough to say it wasn’t only Hoim-sshi who made him change and be happy.” There’s a pause. “Look, hyung. I’m not asking you to do anything,” Namjoon says. He pats Seokjin’s knee, as if to make his point across. “Or I guess I am... I just don’t want you to break Yoongi hyung’s heart.”

The last thing Seokjin would ever want to do is hurt Yoongi, but he knows what Namjoon means. After all, the last thing he wanted to do was break Goeun’s heart, and look how that turned out.

“And I’m also asking you and Yoongi hyung to be happy. Preferably together.”

“You said you were not asking me to do anything,” Seokjin says.

Namjoon laughs and pats Seokjin’s knee again. “I know,” his voice is lighter now. “I realised my mistake as I was speaking.”

He stands up and when he offers his hand to Seokjin, he shakes his head. “I’ll stay here for a bit longer.”

The practice room is eerily quiet now that he’s alone. But as he sits there with his thoughts he comes to the conclusion that he can make Yoongi happy. That’s all that matters. He knows that now, in some exact way. He can make Yoongi happy.

It’s past two in the morning when Yoongi comes home from his studio.

“Welcome back,” Seokjin says from where he’s sitting on the living room couch. He’s had some time to think about what he wants to say, but when he finally meets Yoongi’s eyes everything he rehearsed in his brain crumbles down like a falling Jenga tower.

“What’s up, hyung?” Yoongi asks. He’s trying to sound nonchalant and carefree, but there’s something in his voice that betrays him. Through the years, Seokjin’s learnt to read signs like this to figure out how Yoongi’s truly feeling. It took years, but he can finally say he’s managed to get the hang of how he functions.

Yoongi sits next to him on the couch. They’re suddenly so close that their knees are touching. A few weeks ago, it was difficult for Seokjin to feel human without any desire or touch. When Yoongi’s leg brushes his he can’t almost take it. It’s the lack of touch that’s killing him right now. He stands up, as if he were burnt by the touch, and shakes his hands nervously.

“I knew as soon as I saw you I was going to forget what to say,” Seokjin says. He’s talking so fast that he’s turning red from the lack of oxygen. He holds the piece of paper with his messy writing in one shaky hand as he puts the other one on his chest, so as to calm down his heart.

Yoongi laughs. It’s such a beautiful sound that it makes Seokjin’s heart beat even faster. “What’s this?”

“Shut it,” Seokjin scolds. “Just sit there and listen.”

“I’m listening, hyung,” Yoongi says. There’s so much expectation in his eyes that Seokjin has to close his eyes and try to soothe his heart by breathing in and out slowly. He can’t fuck this up. He needs to come to terms with his feelings. After all, Yoongi’s the person who comes back even after he’s seen the worst side of him. He’s the rest of Seokjin’s life.

“I don’t think my soul can exist without my love for you,” Seokjin declares.

Yoongi doesn’t say anything for a while, which prompts Seokjin to panic and stop staring at the piece of paper to look at Yoongi instead. He’s standing up now, his face is pale and there’s no hint of a smile. He looks like he’s about to cry.

“Yoongi-yah,” Seokjin says instinctively. There are some other things he wrote, but he thinks he’s made his point. When Seokjin was a kid, he used to pretend his life was a film. He used to think his life was a comedy of sorts. Now, he realises it’s more of a coming of age story, even if he’s closer to 30 than to his teenage years. He’s always been slower than the rest of his peers. But it’s okay. Seokjin holds his sacked purpose and decides to dedicate the rest of his life to bring Yoongi to the understanding that he loves him. He’s finally figuring things out.

They both start crying when Seokjin gently touches Yoongi’s left shoulder. It’s the one that he hurt all those years ago. Seokjin’s glad it healed; he’s glad Yoongi was kind enough to trust him. Letting someone show you tenderness is an act of love, too.

There’s a line in a book Seokjin read a while ago, it reads, “We behold life as it is, not as we want it to be.” For the longest time after he took in the meaning of the quote, he thought he was supposed to accept life as it happened. That there were some things not worth fighting against because those things were just supposed to happen. That, no matter how hard he tried, the end result would be the same. Now, as he hugs Yoongi, he realises he’s been wrong all along. This is how he wants life to be. Sometimes there are battles worth fighting for.

“Yoongi-yah,” Seokjin says again. Yoongi hugs him tighter from where he has his hands around his waist. “I know this won’t be a good time to start a relationship... if that’s what you want, of course. But I would like to make you happy, if you’d let me.”

It doesn’t have to be perfect, Seokjin thinks. It just has to be as good as they can make it.

Yoongi has buried his face in Seokjin’s shoulder so whatever he replies comes out muffled.

“What did you say?” Seokjin asks, laughing. He’s aware Yoongi can hear his heart beating fast and loud in his chest, but that’s okay because he feels Yoongi’s heart doing the same. And the yearning, the gushing and impulsive throbbing that Yoongi has implanted in Seokjin’s heart.

Yoongi looks up, reluctantly, and Seokjin immediately misses the warmth of his face on his shoulder. “I’d like to make you happy too,” he says. He’s not crying any more, but his eyes are soft and so impossibly lovely. His cheek, when Seokjin kisses it, is terribly soft.

“Your heart is beating really fast, hyung,” Yoongi says mockingly.

It’s true. Seokjin’s heart is beating so fast he’s afraid to get tachycardia. “Your heart’s beating really fast, too.”

Yoongi’s heart is too heavy and too precious. But now that Seokjin feels particularly good about himself, he tells Yoongi that he can keep his heart for him. “I can hold onto it if you want to, Yoongi-yah.”