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The day so far has been quiet, not that Buck will ever make the mistake of saying that out loud again.
Obviously Buck became a firefighter for the actual fighting fires part of the job, but he likes these shifts once in a while: a few hours between each call, lounging and snacking and getting his ass beat at Mario Kart. Having just finished dinner, they’re only halfway through their shift, and Buck is lounging on the couch next to Eddie. Holding his hand.
Because, yeah, that’s a thing he can do now.
Eddie is reading something on his phone and Buck is just existing next to him, watching Chim and Hen bicker over the next video game they’re going to play since they stuck some of the probies with dish duty. It’s nice, it feels like home, and Buck lets out a sigh and leans his head back against the couch, closing his eyes.
He’s shaken awake by Bobby an unknown amount of time later, and when Buck finally opens his eyes and processes his surroundings, Bobby is looking at him with a tense expression.
“Buck, your parents are here. We couldn’t get them to leave.”
Buck sits up abruptly and looks over Bobby’s shoulder to see his parents standing at the top of the stairs, holding each other in the cold way that only people who have spent a lifetime caring how people see them can manage to do. And honestly, Buck just woke up and he’s not thinking straight; the only thing going through his head is survive because he feels like a kid who got caught red-handed and his parents didn’t care that he slept around as long as it was with women—
“Shit, Eddie, let go of my hand.”
Eddie replies, “What?” but he still drops Buck’s hand like it’s searing hot.
“Um,” Buck clears his throat and pushes himself up off the couch, laser-focused on his parents but not able to look them in the eye. “What are you guys doing in LA?”
“We came to meet our granddaughter,” his mom says, and Buck can’t imagine that went well. He hopes Chim did most of the talking since Maddie is still trying to fight her way out of the dark. “We figured we would stop by and say hello.”
“You didn’t have to,” Buck replies. Even though he and his parents had worked out some of their issues in therapy, there are still things he can’t talk to them about without tearing open age old wounds. Their relationship will never be idyllic. Buck just has to accept that, as much as the little kid in him still yearns for their approval. For their love. “I’m fine. I’m, uh. I’m good, actually.”
He realizes everyone else has scattered to give them space, and he kind of wishes that they hadn’t. Being alone with his parents always makes him feel like he’s about to get scolded, even now that he’s 29 and they don’t really have the right to scold him for anything anymore. He stands his ground though, even if deep down he doesn’t feel brave, and a few tense words later they leave as quickly as they came.
When the coast is clear, everyone slowly shuffles back into the loft area except for Eddie, and Buck only notices because he’s itching to see him.
He goes looking because he feels untethered, needs to be grounded, and finds Eddie stocking supplies in the back of the ladder truck with the doors closed. And that’s concerning because Eddie doesn’t ever close the doors, says he needs to be aware of everything around him at all times, a relic of coming home from Afghanistan but especially after—
Well. After.
Buck knocks on the doors a little harder than he means to, and Eddie looks up at him through the little window. Buck can tell he’s deciding whether or not to let him in, and Buck doesn’t understand why until he remembers Shannon, and then he does.
He yanks the door open before Eddie can get to it, climbing up inside and closing it behind him.
“What the fuck—”
“Eddie, that wasn’t what you think it was.” Eddie stares somewhere in the vicinity of Buck’s knees, his lips pressed together. He doesn’t look angry—it’s been a long time since Buck has seen Eddie angry, so he’s not surprised—he just looks… hurt. Buck’s heart aches. “Look, it’s not because I don’t want people to know, or that I’m ashamed or anything, it’s… it’s just—”
“You don’t want them to know.”
Buck exhales through his nose, his fists clenching uncomfortably at his sides. Not… exactly? He eventually wants his parents to know, needs them to see how happy Eddie and Christopher make him and watch them fight between their impeccable social personas and their rage that will be just underneath the surface.
“They caught me off guard, Eddie. I just reverted back to being fifteen when they would barge into my room and see me with…” Buck trails off. Stares down at his feet. “They never cared if it was a girl. But they would scream if it…”
Eddie’s hand is soft where it touches his elbow. “Buck, I understand. It was hard to work up the nerve to tell my parents about you, but once I did, telling them was easy. Because honestly, as long as they leave Christopher alone, I don’t care what they think. But you… you still care.”
Buck nods, still staring at his feet. He shouldn’t care anymore, but he does, and he also cares about doing it in public where everyone else can see. Usually, Buck has no issue airing out his dirty laundry in the middle of the station, but whatever his parents might say would cut deeper than anything even Bobby could ever say to him. He doesn’t want to make that into a spectacle.
“Buck, look at me.” Eddie’s eyes are warm, but his stance is firm. “I understand the way that you’re feeling, and I need you to know that I trust you. With my son’s life, with my life, everything. But if you’re not ready to give everything to this, then you know… you know we can’t. As much as it would break me, Christopher doesn’t deserve anything less than full commitment. I won’t put him through that.”
“I know,” Buck’s voice shakes. “Eddie, I know. You’re right. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t—not in front of everyone like that. I feel like I belong here, and I can’t let them taint it by yelling at me for being with you. They don’t get to ruin this. It would break me too, Eddie.”
Eddie’s thumb rubs across the skin of his arm, and Buck can feel his eyes start to water. Not now, not when he’s trying to be serious, every fucking time—
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry too. I jumped to conclusions about why you hid.”
And Buck thinks back to Shannon, about how Eddie hid her from everyone else even though they were married, how they sneaked around and only saw each other when they could cover it up and what that ultimately meant for her relationship with Christopher. “I understand why you did. But you have to know I would never be ashamed of you and Chris, and I would never do anything to hurt either of you. Especially not Chris.”
“I know,” Eddie says casually like he believes it, and of course he does because they’ve talked about it, and he pulls Buck down by the shoulder to kiss him gently. “I told you, I trust you. I just need you to be one hundred percent on this.”
“I am,” Buck says without hesitation. He reaches down and slides his hand into Eddie’s, squeezing in a way that he hopes is reassuring. “My parents are in town for a few more days. What do you say we go tell them tomorrow?”
Eddie squeezes back. “You want me with you?”
Buck smiles, bending down so he can bump his nose against Eddie’s. “Always.”