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Inej knew. She knew from the moment she woke up that today would not be a good day. It frustrated her to no end. It wasn't as though there was anything specific that had triggered it, but she had risen with the morning sun, simply feeling… off.
She was used to this kind of thing by now - there were good days and bad days. Inej knew that the bad days just served as a reminder to appreciate the good, and all of the moments that came with them. Thinking about the good moments helped her on days like this. Days when the dark clouds of the Ketterdam sky were very reminiscent of how she was feeling. Dim, cold and ready for a downpour at any given moment.
It was days like this that Inej needed to be reminded that everything was okay. That she was okay. That she was safe. The little moments she had from the good days were filed away for times like this. She thought about waffle lunch dates with Nina. She thought about Jesper's teasing and Wylan's kind smile and down-to-earth nature. The rogue Fjerdan that had found a home within their strange family. And then there was Kaz.
Kaz Brekker who was responsible for Inej having good days to begin with. She knew he would never hold himself accountable for it, especially when one considered that he only saw her as an investment. To him, pulling Inej from there was for his own benefit. And while that may have been true, Inej didn't want to think about what would have become of her if he hadn't been there that day. She shook her head as if to physically remove the thought from her clouded mind and took a deep breath. She would not think of the Menagerie today. She couldn't. Those kinds of thoughts would only make the knot she was feeling in her stomach, just that little more unbearable.
The trick is getting back up again.
Words she had once heard from her father, that she had once spoken to Kaz. Meant both literally and figuratively, those were words Inej needed to live by today. Accepting that this was happening, Inej took a deep breath and slowly pulled herself up and out of bed. It was one of those times where she had to take everything step by step, one thing at a time. She'd made it this far, which is more than she could say for some of her past experiences with this.
Her knives helped. They always provided a certain level of safety and security. It was remarkable how she felt when she wasn't wearing them, compared to when she was. Inej knew that she had become reliant on them but it eased her mind, knowing that she was armed and knew how to fight.
One by one, she attached them to herself, subconsciously taking special care with Sankt Petyr. Gifted from Kaz when she first joined the Dregs, Inej had always favoured that particular blade. It was a symbol of her freedom from Heleen. A realisation that she wasn't powerless. A reminder of her faith. Kaz had rolled his eyes when he heard what she'd named it but she couldn't care less. Kaz Brekker didn't believe in Saints but Inej Ghafa did. Sometimes she thought she had enough faith for both of them. Sometimes.
Things with Kaz were complicated. They always had been, and it was looking to Inej like they always would be. One minute they were sharing a quiet moment, just the two of them. The strange silent comradery they had, even with her just sitting on his windowsill while he worked at his desk. But then in the next moment, Kaz would become something else entirely. Distant, aloof. She understood. Even without knowing what it was that he'd been through, she understood that whatever had happened to him was harrowing.
That was just the way Kaz and Inej were. They knew things about each other without truly knowing . And that was precisely why Inej knew that Kaz was the last person she needed to see today. He would know that something was wrong and she very much doubted that he would take too well to his Wraith not working at her best. She knew he wouldn't care and that he'd likely just tell her to push whatever the matter was out of her mind and focus on the job. That was something Inej also understood but she had made a decision. For the time being, she would avoid him.
**********
“Inej!”
A small smile had made its way to Inej's face for the first time that day as a familiar voice sounded from behind her.
Turning around, she came face to face with her favourite sharpshooter. It looked to Inej that her day would get brighter, after all.
“Hey, Jes.” Inej silently cursed herself and the tone in her voice. She prayed that Jesper wouldn't have caught the exhaustion and sadness that she failed to disguise, but she saw the way his head tilted in curiosity and concern. Damn.
“Everything alright, love?”
That nearly sent her over the edge. It was one thing, not addressing the issue and pretending that everything was fine. But all it took was someone asking, for the last tether to nearly break.
“Inej?” She blinked at the sound of Jesper's voice. Apparently she had spaced out and didn't realise, but when she looked at her friend's face, more concerned now, she almost wished she was still stuck in her own head.
Inej shook her head, trying to focus. “Sorry, what?”
“I asked if you were alright and you didn't respond.”
“Yeah.” She said, albeit unconvincingly. “Rough day, but I'll be fine.” Better to keep it vague to avoid further questions.
“I didn't ask if you would be fine, I asked if you were fine.” Jesper looked like he wanted to say more after that but Inej shot him a look of desperation to get him to drop it. She really didn't want to talk about it.
He frowned but nodded nonetheless. “Alright. Anyway I came over to ask if you wanted to come to the club tonight. Nina and I are bored and planning to annoy Kaz.”
She wanted to. More than anything. But the mere thought of sitting around a table in a crowded room, the smell of smoke and alcohol unbearably prominent, nearly sent Inej into a panic.
“Um,” she was mumbling now and tried to will herself to speak louder. She wasn't a loud person by any stretch of the word, not compared to Jesper or Nina, but she usually spoke with confidence. Confidence that her voice was seriously lacking right now. “I might give this one a miss, Jes. I'll come next time.”
Jesper's eyes scanned her face, searching for something - anything that would give him the answer to what was wrong. When he couldn't find it he nodded again and sighed dramatically.
“Fine. I guess I'll have to drag Wylan instead.”
“I don't think you'll have much trouble there.” Inej quipped, glad the focus was off her.
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“Hm.” He narrowed his eyes in suspicion and Inej was surprised to feel her lips twitching again. “Anyway, I'm letting tonight go but you better be there in the morning for waffles.”
“Wouldn't miss it.” Hopefully she'd be feeling at least a little better.
Jesper was satisfied with the response, but within moments everything went to hell for Inej again. Disappointment, guilt, sadness and annoyance flashed within her all at once. Because, when he moved to hug her, Inej did something she hadn't done around Jesper, or anyone, in a long time.
She flinched.
**********
Something was wrong. Kaz couldn't be sure what it was as he sat with some of the most trusted members of the Dregs, in the Crow Club that night. But something felt off. It wasn't until Nina asked about his Wraith that everything clicked into place.
Inej.
A lot of his focus had been elsewhere for the majority of the day. He was, after all, the leader of a gang. But it was because his focus had been on hundreds of other things that he hadn't thought much of Inej's absence. Inej, who had an annoying habit of showing up at his window whenever she pleased. Recently, that had become a daily occurrence and as much as Kaz complained, he found that he'd grown rather fond of her company. Not that he would ever say that out loud, least of all, to her. But while there had been a niggling in the back of his mind, a sense of discomfort that was trying to scream that something wasn't right, Kaz had ignored it until Nina had asked a question that had apparently been on everyone's mind.
“Has anyone seen Inej?” The question was casual. Merely a friend curious about the whereabouts of another. Nobody thought to be concerned about it, but suddenly there were alarm bells going off in Kaz's head.
Where was Inej?
It was made worse with Jesper's almost hesitant response. He had never been hesitant in his life, and Kaz didn't miss the way Jesper's eyes flickered to him before he answered Nina's question.
“Not since this morning.” Kaz couldn't stop his own head from snapping towards Jesper as he took in the tone and the concerned facial expression.
“She…” Jesper trailed off, struggling to figure out how to put whatever he was about to say into words. “Seemed a bit off? She didn't really seem like herself and she left almost quicker than I saw her. I don't know where she went.”
Kaz had turned his attention fully to Nina and Jesper now and, if the others had noticed, they wisely didn't comment on it. He knew he was being obvious but he also knew that he could trust these people.
“Should we find her and make sure she's okay?” It was Matthias that had spoken. He always seemed to be wherever Nina was, constantly by her side, and Kaz tried to push the thoughts out of his head. The thoughts that made him painfully aware of how much he wanted the same thing with Inej.
“No.” Jesper and Nina replied, simultaneously, pulling Kaz's focus back.
Wylan tilted his head in confusion from Jesper's side. “Why?”
Why indeed? Kaz mused silently. When something was wrong with someone you supposedly cared about, why wouldn't you go out of your way to find them and try to help them?
Jesper also knew the answer. “Because, merchling, Inej clearly does not want to be found. You'd have a better chance of getting Kaz to say no to Kruge than you would at finding the Wraith.”
It was true. Inej had an uncanny ability of hiding out undetected, and Kaz knew that he should leave her be, especially if she was having a bad day. He'd been there. They all had. None of them had come from the Barrel, but they all had their reasons for being there. Reasons that had left scars behind, and not just visible ones.
Kaz shouldn't have done it and he knew that, but his body reacted faster than his mind could comprehend as he dropped the cards he was holding and wordlessly stood from his chair.
“Where the hell are you going, we're in the middle of a game?” Jesper asked, clearly outraged that the evening would be cut short.
Kaz shrugged as he grabbed his cane. “Doesn't matter, you were losing anyway.”
Before Jesper could argue further, Nina put them back on track, much to his annoyance.
“You know where she is?” Of course she knew he was going after Inej. In any other instance, Kaz would have rolled his eyes and claimed he didn't know what the Heartrender was talking about. Instead, he muttered a quiet response as he started to make his way to the door.
“I always know where she is.”
***********
Kaz found her some time later. For the first time in a while, it wasn't raining in the saints-forsaken city which meant that he saw her from a reasonable distance away. He tried as hard as he could to ignore the twinge he felt in his chest at the sight.
Inej was perched on a rock near the water, more tense than he had ever seen her. To an outsider, it would simply look as though she was indulging in fresh air, while being physically prepared, should anything happen. It was Ketterdam, after all, and it was dangerous to let your guard down for too long. Kaz knew Inej, though. And he knew that her current posture wasn't caused by being ready for a physical kind of fight, but a mental one. From here, he couldn't be sure if she had the upper hand.
The unfamiliar and unwelcome feeling in his chest worsened as he approached her. He realised that there was a vacancy to her and that made him frown. Things must have been worse than he originally thought because Inej was always hyper-aware of her surroundings and usually would have reacted to someone approaching her by now. Instead, she was staring out onto the water that was roughly crashing against the rocks.
Kaz wasn't sure when he learned this about her, but for some reason he knew that when things got rough for her, she would come here. It was a secluded part of Ketterdam, away from all the violence and the chaos of the Barrel, the hussle and bussle of the harbour. It was where the sea met the land and Kaz knew the sound of the water was a comfort to her. It was as though the crashing, as the waves broke apart, counteracted the similar feeling she felt from within.
He continued to approach her, his knee protesting with every step. He tried to make a bit more noise than what was necessary because he didn't want to risk startling her. But he still couldn't be sure that she knew he was there. He struggled to find a medium - a way to let her know that he was there without pulling her away from whatever she was mentally working through.
Without saying a word, Kaz sat beside her on the rock, careful to leave a small gap between them that was as much for his own safety as it was for hers. He couldn't risk triggering a battle of his own while silently trying to help Inej through hers.
There was a certain kind of comfort that he, himself, felt at the proximity. A kind of calm that only his Wraith could bring. He nearly cursed himself for his own stupidity of that realisation, but the worry he felt for the girl next to him prevented it. Physically, she was close, but she was so far away.
If Kaz didn't know her as well as he did, he would assume that she still didn't register his presence next to her. But he saw the shift and knew the precise moment, she pulled herself back to reality. After a while of sitting there, he heard it. There was a slight exhale of breath that almost sounded like relief, and he saw her shoulders drop as some of the tension left her.
They continued to sit in silence, something they were both familiar with. Neither of them said a word, but Kaz knew that they didn't need to. He'd never say it but he was glad she was okay. Or, rather as okay as she could be in that moment.
**********
It was Kaz.
Inej nearly laughed at the irony of the situation, as the painfully tight knot in her stomach slowly began to uncoil itself. She'd done everything she could that day to try to ease her mind and stop herself from vanishing completely but nothing had seemed to work. She'd been on the brink of disappearance for hours now and had nearly lost it entirely when Jesper hugged her.
She was still mad at herself for that. She didn't know why, in that moment, her mind had seen him as a threat because it was Jesper. Jesper, who made her laugh with the most ridiculous jokes. Jesper who made her feel safe in a way she assumed only an older brother could. It was outrageous that he, of all people, had caused something so horrible to stir inside of her. She'd needed an escape after that, so she came to the one place that always seemed to calm her down.
It worked for a while. Ever since she was little, Inej had been fascinated by the ocean and had taken a liking to the sea. When she travelled with her parents, her favourite places were the ones by the coast. She had caused her parents unnecessary stress once and had sent them into a panic when they couldn't find her. When they realised she was sitting on a rock, much as she was now, they had joined her. Her father held her hand to her left and she rested her head on her mother's shoulder, to her right. They sat like that for hours.
Instead of relaxing, Inej found herself stiffening up considerably at the memory. Something cracked within her chest, her heart, when she thought about how much she missed them. It was an ache she could never seem to be rid of, no matter how hard she tried.
She didn't know how long she sat there, trying to get herself together, before she heard someone approaching. The sound of uneven footsteps aided by the distinct sound of a cane. Kaz.
Why he had sought her out was beyond her. Her first thought was that he probably had a job or something for her to do. But that wouldn't explain why he was here. She was in a difficult spot at the far end of Ketterdam, if he needed her, he would have sent someone else to save his leg some trouble. It wasn't until he sat beside her that she realised her mistake. He was there for her, that much was obvious. But it slowly became clear to Inej that he didn't have an ulterior motive.
She was grateful that he kept with the silence - she wasn't sure she could muster up enough emotional strength for a conversation but, what she thought was strange, was how his presence brought a new sense of calm. Something she had been missing all day. Of all the people to bring Inej some form of comfort - enough to slow the chaos down, she never in all her years, expected it to be Kaz Brekker.
Inej released a deep exhale. Saints knew how long she had been holding that in for, but it was accompanied by the feeling of a huge weight being lifted off her shoulders. She would have smiled slightly, if it wasn't for the ache that still existed. So she kept quiet and she kept her distance, but she still indulged in the companionship of having Kaz by her side.
*********