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NOVEMBER 8
There's a snowstorm going on outside, Charles is sitting by the window as I write this. I absolutely despise the snow, but I can't lie that I do love watching Charles' face while he sees the snow falling. This will put a setback in the whole moving out thing, I doubt anything can move through the streets with all the snow outside, which is very annoying. At least Charles promised me hot chocolate and a movie night, I've been missing those.
What made me happy today: Charles in a scarf. Sadie's purring. Movie night with Charles.
NOVEMBER 9
What made me happy today: Charles and Sadie curled up on the couch in the early morning.
NOVEMBER 10
Finally the snow stopped, but there's too much of it outside for us to be able to move yet.
Sadie tried to go outside, she scratched the door until Charles allowed her out with a groan, only for her to attack the snow and get her fur covered in it. She wasn't very satisfied with the wet fur after it melted, kept meowing at us as if it was our fault and made us laugh. She kept playing with the empty boxes after.
What made me happy today: Sadie fighting the snow. Finding old pictures from college in the unholy mess. Charles.
NOVEMBER 11
Boxes, boxes, boxes. Boxes everywhere. I still have to start a study on Charles to understand how he's not upset with the mess in our apartment. Sadie is still the only one truly enjoying the moving process.
What made me happy today: Charles dancing around the kitchen. Sadie giving my hair a bath (I think she called me smelly by doing that).
NOVEMBER 12
What made me happy today: Charles with his big reading glasses. Sadie.
NOVEMBER 13
We visited what will be our new house today, since we'll be moving out tomorrow. Charles was so happy, he had that smile that won't go away when he's excited about something. We stood in the backyard (it was covered with snow) and talked about the future. I pointed out there would be a lot of space for children now and Charles made a nasty joke. He was happy, though, and so was I. The next step will be looking into adopting a kid.
For now however, just boxes.
What made me happy today: Charles. The new house. The room that might be our kid's room in the new house.
NOVEMBER 14
I hate moving. Apparently so does Sadie. Charles is more upbeat about it like always.
What made me happy today: Charles and Sadie.
NOVEMBER 15
The house is very comfortable but there's still things to assemble. We're sleeping on our mattress on the ground, which means Sadie has taken that as a free pass to sleep with us. At least the mattress is very comfortable.
We'll need to drive to our old apartment tomorrow to get some last things that didn't fit in the U-Haul or in the car, but I think that's the last of it, and then just put everything in its place at the new home.
Charles convinced me to order two pizzas for dinner because he said he was very hungry (he did eat a lot when the pizzas arrived, so maybe he was really that hungry) and we watched a movie on the couch with the tv still on the ground since Charles haven't put it up yet. It was a very bad movie, but it was fun either way. Can't wait for the house to be not a complete mess anymore and look more like a house.
What made me happy today: Charles. Sadie. Movie with Charles.
NOVEMBER 16
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 17
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 18
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 19
What made me happy today: Nothing.
NOVEMBER 20
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 21
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 22
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 23
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 24
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 25
I saw Dr. Mendel again today. He said I should keep writing this journal. I don't want to write anything, I feel stupid.
What made me happy today: Fuck this.
NOVEMBER 26
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 27
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 28
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 29
What made me happy today:
NOVEMBER 30:
I drank too much today. Charles hates when I drink too much because I talk too much and get clingy. I don't think I talk too much. I can't really see what I'm writing. I think I might vomit.
What made me happy today: ?
DECEMBER 1
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 2
It's early morning. It's been over two weeks. I'm tired, my whole body hurts. I think Sadie can't stand me like this anymore. If there's no more entries tomorrow my plan will have worked. I'm too tired. I can't do this anymore.
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 3
I'm a fucking coward.
What made me happy today: I hate this fucking question.
DECEMBER 4
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 5
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 6
It's the last day of Hanukkah and I didn't celebrate it. I decided to make latkes today, burned some of them but they were good either way, almost the same taste as my mother's.
Sadie accompanied me the whole time, she liked the latkes as well. I think she tried to make me feel better when I started crying.
I bought Charles a Hanukkah gift and I put up the Christmas tree for him because he loves seeing the ornaments and the lights.
What made me happy today: Latkes. Sadie. The ornament with a picture of me and Charles in ugly Hanukkah and Christmas sweaters.
DECEMBER 7
What made me happy today: Wedding pictures.
DECEMBER 8
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 9
I might be going insane.
What made me happy today: Charles' smile.
DECEMBER 10
What made me happy today: Sadie. Charles.
DECEMBER 11
The house is finally looking like a house. Sadie loves playing with the now empty boxes, jumping in and out of them.
I cried again today, and those cries hurt a lot now. I could barely breathe properly, but Charles held my face and told me everything was okay.
What made me happy today: Charles. Sadie and her boxes.
DECEMBER 12
Raven came to visit today to see how I was doing. She and Irene brought Kurt along, and it made me realize we never looked into adopting a child with everything that happened.
I lied to Raven. Charles scolded me for lying, but he didn't seem truly mad, just very sad for me.
What made me happy today: Charles. Kurt playing in my arms and trying to pet Sadie.
DECEMBER 13
I stayed at home with Charles today. He was looking at the snow falling outside, looking as beautiful as ever. I allowed Sadie out and she played with the snow this time.
What made me happy today: Sadie rolling around the snow. Charles.
DECEMBER 14
Charles didn't show up today and the house felt very empty. I should stop drinking. I'm very drunk. Or maybe I should just keep going.
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 15
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 16
I feel awful. I hate hospitals. They didn't allow me to die. Fuck Raven for coming over again, fuck the doctors, fuck this journal. Charles is pissed at me, so I screamed at him. It's been one month.
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 17
What made me happy today: Charles.
DECEMBER 18
What made me happy today: Charles.
DECEMBER 19
What made me happy today: Charles.
DECEMBER 20
What made me happy today: Charles.
DECEMBER 21
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 22
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 23
This is not fair. Is it me? Am I cursed? Is it my fault?
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 24
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 25
Fucking Christmas.
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 26
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 27
Dr. Mendel is worried about me. He read my files from the therapist I used to see as a kid and made me questions I didn't want to answer. He told me it wasn't my fault, but I don't think I believe him. Charles would still be here if it wasn't for me, if I didn't lose control of the car. Maybe my mother's death was my fault too back then, maybe I could've prevented it, or maybe I'm just cursed and everyone I love dies. If I had been able to prevent my mother's death then I would have never started this stupid journal to point out things that made me happy because it wouldn't be hard to find reasons.
It wasn't hard to find reasons when Charles was here. I read the older entries today, and it was always him after that stupid question. Always him. And now he's gone and I can't stop seeing him around the house, can't stop imagining him here with me. I see him dancing in the kitchen sometimes, or reading one of his books on the couch. I wake up and I see him there with me in our bed because I want to see him so badly. He's never there, the bed is always cold, the books are always in its places and the kitchen is silent.
He would hate to see me like this. The image I have of him always looks at me with pity.
What made me happy today: I miss him.
DECEMBER 28
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 29
Charles didn't show up today.
What made me happy today:
DECEMBER 30
What made me happy today: Sadie watching birds on the tv.
DECEMBER 31
Raven came over with Irene and Kurt again. They're staying over for the new year. Raven and I talked for a while. She cried and I held her. It's the first time I didn't cry remembering him.
What made me happy today: Kurt playing with Sadie. Irene's funny stories.
JANUARY 1
New Year. Maybe I'll try to start again. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him.
What made me happy today: Carrying Kurt in the morning so he could see the snow. Raven and Irene's company for breakfast.
EPILOGUE
NOVEMBER 16
It's the anniversary of the car crash. I left the twins with Raven and Irene to visit Charles' grave. It was very quiet there, and it's still strange to hear the quiet. Charles would never be quiet, but it's quiet now.
It was snowing too, I had to clean the snow from the tombstone. I remembered again how he liked the snow and I smiled. I haven't cried in a while, and I think Charles would be proud of that. The kids help, they keep my mind busy all day everyday, and they keep the house noisy. Sadie loves them, and Charles would love them too. I told him about the kids for hours, told about Wanda's and Pietro's powers and how incredible they were and how much he'd love them. I might have stayed in the cold for too long.
It wasn't as hard as it once was to get up and leave the grave behind, although the pain never really left. I picked the kids from Raven's and took them somewhere to eat before bringing them home. I put them to bed, but Wanda asked me if I had gone to visit the man in the pictures from my room. I never explained to them, they're too small to understand, but they'll know one day.
Now I'm sitting at the window watching the snow fall with Sadie comfortably next to my feet. I still don't like it, the snow, but it's weirdly comforting. I should just stop writing and enjoy it before going to sleep.
What made me happy today: The twins. Sadie. The snow. My visit to Charles.