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Chris is giving his ending spiel to the camera, but Heather can’t focus on anything he’s saying.
She’s won.
She sinks to her knees, mindful of the bubbling pit of magma a few meters away. Her brain is buzzing. She can faintly hear the cast cheering.
Heather can’t believe they’re cheering for her.
She hugs the case, laughing quietly to herself. She doesn’t care if she looks insane.
She’s won.
“That’s a wrap!” Chris yells.
Geoff waves his hat above his head. The cheering gets louder.
Chris extends a hand to Heather, who tightens her grip on the case. “No! It’s mine!”
“I was going to help you up,” Chris explains. “You can keep the case if you want, but it’s fake money.”
Heather blinks. “Wait, what?”
“You think I’m gonna let a bunch of kids handle a million dollars on top of a volcano? I’m not that reckless. You’ll get a check once everyone heads back to a hotel.” He raises his voice for the others to hear him. “We’re throwing you kids a beach party! You’ve earned it!”
More cheering. Geoff actually starts crying. Tears of joy, Heather presumes, because watching Alejandro get his just deserts and a party in Hawaii is pretty sweet.
***
One hour later, and Heather’s bank account is a little less than a million dollars richer (she’d taken out a few thousand in cash for spending money, because there’s no way she’s gonna miss the chance to go shopping in Hawaii). Somewhere along the way, her hair tie breaks, and she can’t find a new one. The only time she takes her hair down is to wash it, so when she catches sight of herself in a mirror, she gasps.
Her hair looks good.
She doesn’t even think about tying it back again. And when she makes her way down to the party, it’s in a cute new swimsuit and fancy purse. Because she’s earned it, and because she can.
Leshawna is the first one to notice her. She quickly abandons a game of volleyball to run toward Heather and hug her, of all things. “I’m proud of you, girl.”
“You are?” Heather’s too surprised to hug her back.
Leshawna releases her. “Hell yeah I am! You played the game smart without being super mean, and you put Alejandro in his place!”
“That was pretty cool of me.”
“Look,” Leshawna rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. “I know you’re probably confused about why I’m being all nice when the last time we saw each other, I punched your tooth out.”
Heather shrugs. “I mean, yeah. I kinda figured it was because you want some of my money.”
“No, that’s not—” Leshawna sighs. “That’s not what this is about. I have a bit of a confession to make…”
***
Leshawna couldn’t help but wince as Bridgette plummeted out of the plane, pole still attached. She hated to see her go, but as that pole wasn’t getting unstuck anytime soon, it would’ve only been a matter of time before her elimination. Chris began rattling off his ending spiel.
Leshawna frowned. Not that she didn’t love DJ and Lindsay, but Team Victory was getting picked off like flies. She wished they had another tough competitor, like Heather. Leshawna actually missed their Total Drama Action time together— once they had become friends, that was.
The camera crew was setting their stuff down and muttering amongst themselves, done for the day. DJ and Lindsay were headed back to economy. Leshawna stood up to follow them, but Chris gave her a ‘sit down’ hand motion before slamming the plane door closed. Leshawna couldn’t help but sag her shoulders in relief. She didn’t want to show it in front of the cameras, but being so close to that thing while it was open freaked her out.
“What’s up?” she asked Chris, who was plopping himself down on a bench.
The man pinched his nose. He always looked exhausted as soon as the cameras were packed up. “I’ve got a deal for you.”
“A deal?” Leshawna raised an eyebrow. “What’s this about?”
“Total Drama runs on conflict like I run on hair gel. Without it, ratings go way down. And things this season have gotten off to a slow start. Heather, Courtney, and Gwen bicker, sure, but it’s less entertaining and more irritating. We can’t just air that. Team Chris is surprisingly functional, considering it’s got Owen, Izzy, and Tyler on it, and while the irony of Team Victory’s name is still funny, it’s not enough.”
“You expect me to do something about that?”
“Well,” Chris threaded his fingers together. “One of our main conflicts right now is between Heather and Alejandro. Heather doesn’t trust the guy, and as annoying as she can be, she’s hit it right on the nose this time. Al is bad news, believe me.”
“That’s a shame, with how hot he is.” Leshawna scoffed. She’d actually liked Alejandro, so it’s disappointing that Heather was correct for once.
Chris just snorted at that. “Just a part of his role. Charming manipulator, and all that, though the kid’s a better actor than the audience will ever know…” he shook his head. “Look, Heather suspecting Alejandro is good and all, but we need to give her more of a reason than just, I dunno, vibes. We need more conflict— and this is where you come in. Now, before you knock it, we can pay you. It’s in the contract and everything. Ask Courtney if you don’t believe me.”
Leshawna gave him a suspicious look. “I’m listening.”
“Alejandro’s already been flirting a bit with you, right? I’ll tell him to really lay it on thick next episode, it’ll drive Heather crazy. Since you guys are kinda friendly now, she’ll probably try to warn you about the guy. Your job is to brush her off, be charmed by Al, and when the opportunity arises, attack her.”
“Attack her?” Leshawna furrowed her brow. “Man, back at camp, you wouldn’t have to ask twice. But now? We’re finally chill with one another. I don’t wanna mess that up.”
“Not even for a good chunk of cash? I think your Aunt Jordyn could really use some of that.”
Leshawna froze. “How do you know about my aunt?”
“Sierra’s been helping me out. Leshawna, you go along with the plan, and the show can pay for your aunt’s treatment. Chemo, testing, the works.”
“I’ll do it,” Leshawna decided, standing up. “But if you’re lying to me, no hospitals are gonna be able to bring your sorry ass back to life.”
***
“And did he go through with it? Because if he didn’t, I have the money—”
Leshawna just waves Heather off. “That’s sweet, but what do you think? Chris is alive and kicking— just like my Aunt Jordyn. And I mean kicking literally. She’s finally well enough to play soccer again.”
“That’s great,” Heather says, patting her arm. “But if you ever do need my help, just ask. Seriously. After everything that happened between us, on the island especially— you deserve it.”
Leshawna hugs her again. “I don’t know what this season has done to you, but I like the new Heather.”
“Speaking of New Heather…” Heather says, eyes landing on a certain goth girl. Gwen is, of all things, building a sandcastle with… “Why hasn’t she been torn to shreds by Courtney?”
Courtney is packing a bucket full of sand and water, laughing when Gwen finds a piece of seaweed in her hair. She reaches over and untangles it before tossing it into the ocean. Heather can’t remember how long it’s been since she’s seen Courtney laugh and smile. Happily, that is, because there was the occasional unhinged grin or giggle of vengeance aboard the plane.
As Heather scans the beach, she notices more and more interactions that seem a bit… out of place. Bridgette, whose lips Heather would expect to be glued to Geoff’s, is bobbing around in the water. Geoff, for his part, is playing volleyball with DJ. Cody and Duncan sit around Trent, who strums his guitar. Heather actually has to rub her eyes, because why would Cody and Trent willingly hang out with Duncan, of all people? Something else about the scene feels wrong, and Heather realizes it’s because Sierra isn’t trying to physically attach herself to Cody. Instead, she sits on a blanket braiding Lindsay’s hair. But perhaps the weirdest sight of all is Ezekiel, helping Tyler dig a hole, completely un-feral.
He’s not even green.
Heather narrows her eyes. “I’m getting the feeling we weren’t the only ones Chris paid to act differently.”
“What do you mean we?” Leshawna asks, but Heather is already striding toward the party.
“Awesome, it’s Heather!” Harold announces, and several people shout greetings. Heather can’t help but grin. They may not be worshipping her, but they like her, and it feels better than she’d ever imagined. She never knew she could be herself and still be the hero.
“Everyone, get over here!” she calls, strutting toward the fire pit. Owen and his weird little friend group are already gathered around it, with Eva physically restraining Izzy from throwing herself in. They expand their circle as the rest of the cast moves in.
“What’s going on?” Cody asks, but not everyone is there yet, and Heather hates to repeat herself.
“Tell you in a second,” she says. She’s just waiting on Bridgette, Katie, and Sadie to swim to the shore. The girls join them, wrapping themselves in towels, and Heather frowns until she spots the one missing person. “Alejandro, hurry up!”
The boy in question has been dipping his toes in the water, distinctly separate from the rest of the group. At Heather’s cry, he points at himself with a confused look.
“Yes, you!” Heather rolls her eyes as he jogs over, but she doesn’t blame him for being surprised. It’s not like they welcomed her back with open arms at Playa de Losers.
As Alejandro slips into a beach chair, DJ pulls out a bag of marshmallows. “Reminds me of camp,” he explains. “So, Heather, what’s this all about?”
Heather reaches over and plucks the bag out of his hands. “I was talking to Leshawna. Apparently Chris paid her to tackle me off the platform in Germany, and that got me thinking… I have a feeling that a good chunk of us were paid to act unnaturally during the show. And I want to know everything.”
“And why should we tell you?” Noah crosses his arms. Okay, he’s definitely hiding something, but Heather has exactly what she needs to drag the truth out of them.
“I’ll give you a marshmallow if you do,” Heather says. “And, I dunno, a hundred bucks.” Why not? She has the money to spare, and she’s curious.
Leshawna raises a hand. “Hey, since I already told you about my deal with Chris—”
“I got you,” Heather says, tossing her a marshmallow and slipping her some cash.
Geoff gives Bridgette a look. “You mind if I—?”
“Go for it,” Bridgette says.
Geoff nods, and turns to Heather. “We were paid by the producers, not Chris, but…”
***
The first Aftermath of season three was starting soon, and Geoff didn’t know what to do.
He’d never hosted without Bridgette before. That’s what the Aftermath was, another word for ‘GeoffandBridgette’. Or ‘Gigdette’, as the fans would say, but those mashed-up couple names always confused Geoff. ‘Gidgette’ made him think of widgets and digits, which made him think of super fancy calculators. And math is lame.
He paced around the green room. The producers had told him that Bridgette would be singing a song asking for his forgiveness, and that his job was to not get back with her until the very end of the episode. Geoff couldn’t fault them for wanting that. He’d been super stoked himself when Courtney and Duncan has gotten together again during the season two finale. But now that it was his job to get back with Bridgette…
It’s not the cheating that bothered him. It’s the fact that it didn’t bother him that bothered him, which hurt his brain.
The door opened, and there was Bridgette. Geoff couldn’t focus on how gorgeous she looked in that blue dress, which meant something really was wrong, because he’s sure she looked awesome.
“Oh!” Bridgette squeaked, blushing. “Sorry, I’ll just—”
Geoff bounded forward before she could leave. “No, wait!”
Bridgette stopped, and turned around.
“I think we need to talk before we go out there,” Geoff winced. He felt bad being the one to say this to her, even if she did cheat on him. “Look, I think we should break up. And stay that way.”
Bridgette blinked at him. “Oh. I…”
Geoff sighed. “The producers have been telling me to forgive you at the end of the episode, make up and make out and all that junk. Said they won’t pay us if we don’t, but I… I just don’t think we’re a good match anymore. Like a high heel and a flip flop. It’s not that I don’t like you—”
“But you have every right not to!” Bridgette blurted out. She placed a hand on his arm. “Geoff, I cheated on you. And I am sorry, but that doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it—”
“But I am! Everyone expects me to hate you or be all sad, when I really just don’t care! And I think that makes me a bad boyfriend.”
Bridgette squeezed his arm. “Things have been… not the greatest, ever since season three— no, two started. Maybe we weren’t meant for all the media and drama. Maybe we were just meant for the summer.”
“Maybe.” Geoff took her hand. “Can we still be friends? Because you’re, like, one of the coolest chicks I know.”
“I would love to be friends,” Bridgette smiled softly at him. “Even if that means we won’t get paid for any more Aftermath shows.”
Geoff gave her a sly look. “Who says we won’t be getting paid?”
***
Heather tosses a marshmallow to Geoff, and then Bridgette. “Wow, I’m actually impressed. That’s cunning, both of you.”
“I never would’ve guessed!” Beth gasps. “You guys are good actors.”
DJ shakes his head. “You know, I never realized how rough it must’ve been, going from a summer fling to a world famous couple. But I’m glad you guys are happy now— you are happy, right?”
“Rockin’,” Geoff says.
Bridgette giggles. “Geoff’s been telling me about this friend of his from school, and I think he might have a crush—”
“Bridge!”
“Sorry,” Bridgette says, nibbling her marshmallow. Owen eyes the treat, before raising his hand.
“I have a confession to make! But it’s pretty brutal— I just hope you guys won’t think less of me. It all began in Japan…”
***
As soon as Owen boarded the plane, grinning after the triumphant pinball challenge, Chris pulled him into the common area.
“Chris! Dude, what’s up?” Owen asked, plopping himself down on one of the benches. “Are we getting second breakfast?”
“Nope!” Chris declared.
“Bummer.”
“Actually, I got a call from our producers. Turns out our youngest demographic— kids who really shouldn’t be watching this kind of show but do it anyways because they have no parental supervision— think your farts are pretty funny. Which, hey, there’s no accounting for taste, but it boosts ratings.”
“Cool?” Owen said hesitantly. He didn’t really know where Chris was going with this, and his team was probably wondering what was taking him so long…
“Look, how about I give you ten bucks every time you make some kind of gross joke?”
“Sold!” Owen cried.
***
“Are you kidding me?” Noah groans. “Considering how much of that I had to endure, I’m tempted to sue for reparations. Courtney, you wanna represent my case?”
“No thanks!”
Heather throws several marshmallows into Owen’s open mouth.
Alejandro clicks his tongue. “So you were doing it all for money… I actually have to respect that.”
“Thanks,” Owen says proudly. “Hey, did anyone else get paid to do gag stuff?”
Lindsay waves her hand in the air. “Ooh, me! Chris thought it would be funny if I forgot who Tyler was. I got paid in lip gloss!”
“Wait a minute,” Leshawna says, “did Tyler know about this, or were you just stringing that poor boy along?”
Tyler laughs. “Of course I knew! Chris told me to go along with it. Ended up with a good chunk of cash.”
“Seriously, how dumb do you guys think we are?” Lindsay giggles, rolling her eyes.
Everyone chooses not to answer.
“Hang on,” Heather says, turning to Ezekiel. He looks nearly identical to when she first met him. “I think you have a lot of explaining to do.”
Ezekiel just snickers. “Man, I really had you guys fooled, eh? Thinkin’ I was feral and stuff. It was all the makeup department! Painted me green, gave me contact lenses, a bald cap, fake teeth, fake feet—”
“Fake feet?” several people ask.
“You got it, homies! Chris didn’t want me coming back on as a contestant, but he knew I was determined, eh? Was gonna keep getting back on the plane. So he let me hang with the crew! They got the idea to turn me into this crazy monster guy, ‘cause I still really wanted to be on TV. We got Chris and Chef in on it, and they put me in challenges and everything!” Ezekiel finishes proudly.
Gwen just shakes her head. “That’s only slightly less disturbing than if you had actually gone feral. I can’t believe you tricked us like that!”
“He certainly doesn’t have a monopoly on lying, Gwen, unless you want to explain that?”
The ‘that’ Heather points to is the fact that Gwen and Courtney are curled up on the same beach towel. And they’re not throttling each other.
From next to DJ, Duncan chuckles. “That’s kind of a long story, so I’ll start us off…”
***
After their tour of the plane, Chris had given the cast time to wander around and use the bathroom before assembling them in the common area. Duncan had wanted to see if he could find anything cool in the cargo hold, but the host had other ideas.
“How badly don’t you want to sing?” was the first thing Chris asked after beckoning him into the cockpit.
Duncan crossed his arms. “Really, really badly. Like, the opposite of how much Courtney wants to sing.”
“And how do you feel about London?”
“…No particular thoughts?” Duncan raised his eyebrow and leaned against the wall. “What is this about, anyways?”
“I have a plan for you and your little love triangle, but it involves taking you out of the game for a bit so the girls can bond. You’d have to skip the first half of the challenges and songs—”
Duncan grinned. “Dude, are you kidding me? Done!”
“Slow down, cowboy, it’s not that simple. You need to make sure you partner up with Gwen and Courtney for our first challenge. When the time is right, quit. We’ll drop you off in London, get you in touch with one of our production managers, he’ll have a hotel you can stay in until we drag you back on. We’ll have the Aftermath folks paint you as some kind of mysterious vagabond, encourage the fans to search for you. It’ll be great!”
“Finally,” Duncan let out a sigh of relief, “a season I can coast through.”
***
Several people immediately begin to exclaim their annoyance.
“What?”
“No fair!”
“Seriously?”
Duncan scowled at them. “Hey, after everything I went through on that god-awful movie set only to get second place, I think I earned an easier season!”
“He does have a point,” Harold concedes. Beth nods in agreement.
“Even so,” Tyler says, digging a toe into the sand, “it’s wicked lucky that Gwen and Courtney managed to catch you instead of Ezekiel!”
Gwen shakes her head. “It’s not that it was luck…”
***
As Teams Amazon and Chris (sans Alejandro) stepped off the bus, Chris beckoned toward Gwen. “A word?”
“What’s up?” Gwen asked, impatient. A horror-themed challenge— especially one with Jack the Ripper— was right up her alley, and she didn’t want to let the boys get ahead for a second.
“One of your clues is gonna lead you back to the bus,” Chris said. This isn’t his host voice, but his semi-serious voice. “You need to go to Whitechapel instead. Don’t let Courtney leave your side the whole challenge, and if you run into, I dunno, someone who quit the game and bring them back… I might be persuaded to give the Amazons first class.”
Gwen just blinked at him. “I have no idea what you’re saying.”
“Whitechapel. Courtney. Capture her boyfriend. You need me to write it down?”
“No, I can remember that. I just don’t understand why.”
Chris patted her shoulder. “All will be explained at the end of the night, grasshopper.”
***
“…So Courtney and I stuck together, went to Whitechapel, found Duncan, you know the whole deal,” Gwen finishes.
Courtney nudges her shoulder. “And then there was our group meeting with Chris after that challenge…”
***
Courtney should have been having a fantastic night. Her boyfriend was back, she’d won the challenge with Gwen (who she was starting to consider her new best friend), and to top it all off, Chris had invited the three of them into his private quarters for ice cream. She wasn’t quite sure why, but she wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Gwen, however, didn’t feel the same way.
“Are you finally gonna tell me what this is all about?” she asked, scraping the last drops of chocolate out of her bowl. “I mean, you must want something, to sully your private quarters with us scum.”
Courtney couldn’t help but giggle at that. Duncan shot her a weird look. Chris just nodded.
“Bingo, kid. Now that Duncan’s reappeared, and you ladies are friends, we can really get into the messy drama of the love triangle.”
Gwen groaned. “I thought we were over that stuff!”
“Are you kidding me? The fans have been eating it up! And according to Sierra— who understands these things even better than me somehow— what’ll really get them raving is if Gwen and Duncan get together. Cheating on Courtney, of course, so we get plenty of spicy revenge.”
“Hang on,” Duncan pointed his spoon at Chris, who the girls were gaping at. “One, Gwen and I are just friends. Two, it wouldn’t even be cheating, because Courtney and I aren’t dating.”
Courtney nearly tipped her bowl over. “Not dating?! What do you mean, we’re not dating?”
“Yeah, what?” Gwen asked.
Duncan gave them both incredulous looks. “Courtney and I didn’t speak for weeks leading up to that crazy bus chase, and this is the first time I’ve even seen her in a month. Do you guys really think one make-out session in between means we’re together?”
“…I thought it did,” Courtney said quietly. She knew something had felt wrong between them all night, she knew, she just… didn’t know what. Well. Now she knew.
“Princess…” Duncan’s eyes widen, and then soften. He reaches out and squeezes her shoulder. “I’m sorry we weren’t on the same page. But… I think I need to spend some time single— think it’ll be better for both of us.”
Courtney nodded, biting her lip. “I… I guess so. If you’re sure, well. I suppose that might make a little sense after what happened last season. And you two can stop making faces!” she snapped at Chris and Gwen, who had been having some kind of conversation via eyebrows.
“Well!” Chris shook his head. “Sierra had said that the state of your relationship was in contention, but I expected you two at least to have some idea— ow! Enough with the kicking!”
Courtney smirked at Duncan, who smirked back. Maybe they could be friendly exes. Knowing them, it seemed impossible, but she had once thought it impossible to be friends with Gwen, who was giggling at Chris.
“What I’m trying to say is that with how ambiguously we left off with you two, some fans will think Duncan getting with Gwen is cheating, some won’t. More discourse means more media attention, and thus, more ratings. Makes sense?”
Gwen frowned. “You want me to fake-date Duncan for the cameras and Courtney to fake-hate me because of it?”
“Exactly.”
“So much for reality television.”
Chris actually cackled at that. “Oh, you kids have no clue how much is being manipulated behind the scenes. It’s cute.”
“That’s a little creepy,” Duncan muttered. “What makes you think we can pull this off, anyways? Or that we’d want to?”
“The power of editing! And the fact that you and Courtney are decent actors, and everyone already knows Gwen is into Duncan.”
“I’m actually not, but whatever. No offense, Duncan.”
“None taken.”
Courtney tugged at a strand of hair. “Chris, I understand why you want us to do this, but what’s our incentive? It seems like a lot of work. And you all know I’m not a slacker, but we don’t have any good reason to do this.”
“I think you need to reread your contract,” Chris said, sliding a copy across the table.
Courtney eagerly grabbed it and began flipping through it.
Chris turned to Duncan. “Does she really read that fast?”
“Yep. It’s freaky.”
“I think it’s cool,” Gwen muttered, jumping slightly when Courtney slammed the contract back on the table. “What’d you find?”
Courtney just grinned. She was embarrassed that she’d actually forgotten one of the clauses in her contract— what would her lawyers (who were also her parents) think? That wasn’t what mattered though. What mattered was that she might not need the million to go to law school.
“He has to pay us for this!” she announced triumphantly.
Gwen’s eyebrows shot up. “Seriously?”
“How much?” Duncan asked, eyeing Chris.
“That depends on how well you guys pull it off,” the man shrugged. “Ratings reach a certain point, and you’re set to go to law school or art school or travel around the world with a punk band. You’ve just gotta be convincing— and really ramp up the drama.”
Duncan looked at Gwen, who looked at Courtney, who nodded.
“We can definitely do that.”
***
“After that, it just took some improv, a few more meetings with Chris, a bit of luck, and then we were set,” Courtney finishes.
“I knew something was strange about that dynamic,” Alejandro says.
Leshawna sighs. “And here I was avoiding you three because of that mess. Glad to see you’re getting along— you are getting along, right?”
“Yeah, we’re cool,” Duncan says. He fist bumps Courtney.
“How much did you end up making?” Cody asks.
Gwen squints into the fire. “I can’t remember the exact number, but let’s just say Courtney doesn’t have to worry about tuition, like, ever.”
“I’ll never have to do Total Drama again,” the girl sighs happily.
“Lucky,” Harold says. He’s fidgeting with what Heather thinks is a ten-sided die, but it’s starting to get darker, and she can’t quite make it out. “That must’ve been the easiest job ever.”
Duncan points a plastic shovel at him. “Hey, it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. I got beat up plenty.”
“And everyone hated me,” Gwen adds. “Plus, I always felt super guilty even though we’d all agreed to the plan.”
“I’ve never cried so much in my life. The amount of times I nearly passed out from dehydration…” Courtney trails off grimly.
“Let’s just say we earned that money,” Duncan concludes. “And that we’re all great actors.”
Cody scratches his head. “Man, I feel kinda bad about attacking you in Greece now. You weren’t actually cheating, and I wasn’t actually jealous!”
Gwen whips her head toward him. “You weren’t?” she demands.
“No way! Look, once I got that you weren’t into me, I respected that. But Chris promised to slip me candy during the show if I kept hitting on you, and…”
“Wait, is that why you would randomly give me peanut butter cups?”
“I felt bad about being creepy, but I wasn’t allowed to tell you why, so that was my way of apologizing. Without, y’know, breaching the contract or whatever. I didn’t know anybody else was being paid until Sierra told me about her deal after the plane blew up.”
Marshmallows and money forgotten, Heather props her chin on her hand and leans forward. “Okay, this I’ve got to hear.”
***
If anyone else had nearly plummeted to their death in a bus full of melodramatic, currently B-list, teenaged reality TV stars, they’d need therapy for ten years. But it was Sierra who had planted herself in the middle of the Total Drama cast’s comeback, and she was having the—
“Best day ever!” she cried, dancing around the tent. She could hear other people whooping, could see Owen twirling Izzy around and Tyler boogying atop a table. Courtney and Gwen were laughing at Duncan’s atrocious dance movies, while Harold watched Leshawna groove in awe.
Sierra couldn’t help but feel proud. Of the cast, sure, for rising up and taking their rightful place back on TV, but also of herself. She had rallied them, had come up with the plan to stop the Dirtbags. It was absolutely an insane plan, one that, as she spouted it, she thought, Nobody here is gonna take me seriously, but maybe it’ll give them a good laugh. But they’d pounced on it desperately, falling for Chris’ scheme hook, line, and sinker.
And as if she’d summoned him, the host with the most tapped her shoulder. “Hey, kid, can we talk outside?”
“Sure!” Sierra chirped, because it was Chris McLean, and how could she say no?
Once they’d exited the tent, Chris led her almost all the way to the confessional trailer, before turning around and clapping his hands together. “Right. I didn’t expect you to join the cast this season, but I think it’ll work better if Alejandro’s not the only new guy, so you’re in. Producers have okayed it.”
Sierra breathed a sigh of relief. As she’d been with the cast when Chris rescued them, she’d just assumed she would be a part of the next season— the perfect end to her perfect day. From the way Chris was talking, Sierra was starting to realize how truly lucky she was.
“What we need to figure out is your role. I’ve already got Alejandro’s plotted out, but yours… hmm. We need to decide now.”
Sierra tapped her chin. “My role, like how Heather’s the mean girl, Duncan’s the rebel with a heart of gold, Courtney’s the overachiever, Gwen’s the emo who everyone mistakes as goth, Geoff is the chill party guy whose mean streak is often hidden under his surfer dude personality, Noah is clearly suffering from gifted kid burnout—”
“Okay, yes, you got it,” Chris said, waving his hands. “So, what’s yours? What do you like, what do you do?”
“Um,” Sierra blinked at him, because most of her hobbies consist of blogging, writing, and learning about Total Drama and its contestants. And while she’s not ashamed of that, per se, it’s a bit uncomfortable to admit to Chris just how much fan-fiction she’s written about his cast. And, well, him.
Not to mention that when she usually started talking about her favorite show to someone, they wouldn’t stick around for long.
But Chris was looking at her expectantly, and Sierra thought, why not be intense? That’s what he wants!
“I’m Total Drama’s biggest fan, and I’m the only person in the world who can say that without lying,” she started, hands on her hips. Chris raised his eyebrows, making his face that Sierra knew meant ‘intrigued’ because she’d watched the first two seasons over fourteen times each. “Total Drama is my life. I don’t have friends, but that’s okay, because I know every cast member better than my own mom.” Which wasn’t hard, considering her mom was never home. “Dozens of the T.D. blogs on the internet are run by me! I’ve noticed details that have escaped every other viewer, pioneered half the crack ships out there, and am still updating the longest Total Drama fic in existence!”
Sierra crossed her arms, and jutted out her chin. “I’m the Obsessive Uberfan. That’s my role.”
“You’re good, kid,” Chris grinned and patted her shoulder. “I think that works perfectly, but I need you dialed up to an eleven constantly, got it? There’ll be plenty of fans salty that you’re on the show and not them, so you’ve gotta constantly be showing them why that is. Can you handle that?”
“Yeah. I mean— absolutely!”
“Good. Now for cast dynamics… hmm. Alejandro’s new, so you don’t know anything about him. But we can’t have you learning more, because being mysterious is part of his role… How about, you don’t like Alejandro because he’s an enigma?” Chris suggested.
“I can do that!”
“Okay, and as the biggest fan, you obviously know Heather is manipulative. You let her use you, and you look way dumber than the rest of the contestants would if they were in your shoes.”
“Don’t let Heather use me,” Sierra repeated.
“Well, those are our villains…” Chris stroked his chin. “Ah! Got it. Who’s your favorite? Out of this season’s cast, I mean.”
Sierra just gaped at him. “You expect me to choose a favorite? Just one favorite?”
“Fine, I’ll pick for you. Do you like Cody?”
“Who doesn’t? Except for—”
“Gwen,” Chris chimed in. “Yeah, and I’m paying Cody to keep hitting on her, seeing as he doesn’t want media coverage about…”
“About?” Sierra prompted. Chris just shook his head.
“You may be a super fan, but some things need to stay private. Can you do it, though? Obsess over Cody? Act like he’s your one and only. You’re, like, a creepily protective stalker, head over heels for him in the craziest way possible.”
“Okay,” Sierra said, though she’s not sure she’s ever even had a crush on anyone before. But if figuring that out is what it takes to be on Total Drama, she wouldn’t be herself to not try. “So, if I like Cody, and Cody likes Gwen, should I be jealous of Gwen?”
Chris snapped his fingers. “Exactly! See, kid, you’re a natural.”
“Don’t worry, Chris,” Sierra said. She was humming with his praise. “I’m gonna be the freakiest fan in the world.”
***
“That was an act too?” Heather squawks, jumping to her feet. “I swear to God, sometimes I thought you were gonna smother me in my sleep just for breathing at Cody wrong!”
Gwen raises her hand. “I genuinely feared for my life a couple times.”
“And I’m so sorry!” Sierra says. She rushes over to give them both hugs, and that’s when Heather notices it.
“Wait, what happened to your wheelchair?”
“Oh, that.” Sierra giggles sheepishly. “Well, since the whole plane explosion was orchestrated—”
“What?!” Heather and Alejandro chorus.
Alejandro kicks the sand. “Are you kidding me?”
“That was the absolute worst, and you’re saying it was planned?” Heather demands.
Sierra nods. “Chris wanted a shocking ending, and he figured that Alejandro would be getting voted off if there wasn’t some kind of disqualification. The crew totally gutted the plane and put stuff on the train, like our luggage, camera gear, Chris’ stuff, while we were looking for the oil. That’s why our suitcases were in our rooms at the hotel. Chris decided to eliminate me, since he wanted the finale to be you versus Alejandro, and he thought Cody would be easier to defeat than me.”
“Which is fair,” Cody says, “but ouch.”
“Also, the fans actually really hate me now. A lot of them thought I was being super mean toward everyone. I was just trying to play the Cody obsession for the laughs, buuut I took it too far. So Chris told me to pretend my legs were damaged to gain sympathy.”
“She told me all this that night,” Cody explains.
Heather pinches the bridge of her nose. “Well, Sierra, while it is a little scary to know that if any of us had died in the explosion, it would’ve been premeditated murder by Chris, it is a relief to know you’re not actually insane.”
“Or paralyzed,” Alejandro adds. “That would be terrible.”
“Thanks, guys. Really, the worst thing that happened was losing all my hair, and I’ve been wanting to shave it ever since Heather rocked the bald look.”
“Scratch that, you’re definitely insane,” Heather says.
Leshawna gives her a look.
“But thanks, I guess.”
Sierra giggles and scampers back to her towel. Heather sits back down.
Justin frowns. “Wait, there’s still something I don’t understand. What media coverage did Cody not want?”
Cody winces, Harold snickers, and Trent’s eyes go wide as dinner plates. Interesting reactions, but Heather finds she doesn’t care to needle the truth out of them. She’s earned their respect (and a million dollars) so what’s the point in exploiting them now?
Fiddling with the edge of his beach towel, Cody refuses to make eye contact with anyone. “Guys, I don’t really…”
“Let him have his privacy,” Sierra says firmly. “Out of everyone here, he deserves it the most, having to put up with me all season.”
Cody shoots her a grateful look as people murmur their assent.
“Though the Drama Brothers may announce something in a few months, give or take,” Trent says. “Maybe. No promises. It’ll really depend on, y’know, things.”
“Oh, definitely,” Harold gives a still confused Justin an exaggerated wink.
“Anyone else got something to confess?” Cody asks quickly.
Izzy holds up a finger. “Um, sort of?”
“This’ll be interesting,” Leshawna says. Heather hums in agreement. Izzy just laughs.
“Actually, it’s pretty tame compared to everything else, but basically, I asked Noah to convince Owen to break up with me.”
“Wait, what?” Owen gasps, looking between his two friends. “Why?”
Izzy pats his arm. “Sorry, Big O, but I felt like things just weren’t working out. I figured it’d be easier on you if I was the one who got dumped. Those kicks to the kiwis were just to speed up the process!”
“Huh. You know what, that’s sweet in a weird, painful way. But why’d you go along with it?” Owen says, turning to Noah.
“It’s not like I wanted to get tangled up in more relationship drama,” Noah sighs, “but you two were pretty hopeless, so I thought I might as well help speed things along.”
Eva snorts. “What do you mean, more relationship drama? What else were you involved with?”
“Nothing,” Noah says, too quickly to be telling the truth. “Just a slip of the tongue, didn’t mean a thing.”
“I think someone’s lying,” Heather says in a singsong voice. Several people lean in, looking at Noah.
The boy gives a panicked scoff. “I’m sorry, have you met me? I’m as unromantic as a bag of rocks, covered in dust, forgotten in somebody’s garage. And just as disinterested, for the record.”
“That sounds like a little something called denial,” Leshawna declares. “Come on, string bean, what’d Chris pay you to do?”
“None of your business,” Noah snaps.
Heather, now quite intrigued as to what’s making Noah flush so darkly, holds up a handful of bills. “This enough to sweeten the pot?”
“Double or nothing,” Noah says sharply. “And you tell us what exactly your contract entailed before I reveal mine.”
“I have been wondering…” Leshawna murmurs.
“Deal!” Heather exclaims. She glances at Alejandro. “Just for the record, I didn’t expect for you to actually like me.”
Alejandro just gives her a long, bemused look. “…Why don’t you tell your story?”
***
“Alright, you completed the first challenge, go ahead and take ten!” Chris called. Heather was more than happy to collapse onto the sand. Egypt was sweltering, and she was the least modestly dressed on her new team. Courtney looked like she was about to pass out.
Sighs of relief and cries of thanks began to ring out as the crew started tossing the kids water bottles. Heather was reaching for one when Chris tapped her shoulder. “Mind joining me on the plane?”
“If only to get some air conditioning,” Heather said, following him inside. They passed Duncan, who was slurping some fancy drink in first class. “What’s he doing here?”
“Don’t worry about it, he’ll be gone soon enough.” Chris led her into his quarters, sitting at a table that looked like it belonged in an upscale cafe.
Heather carefully took a seat across from him. “What’s this about, anyways? You’re giving me creepy vibes. I swear, if you try and hit on me—”
“Jesus Christ, kid, no. You’re a, well, kid, I’m gay, and also happily dating someone, thank you very much. I don’t know where people get the idea—”
“Are you dating Chef?” Heather interrupted. “Because if you are, Harold owes me twenty bucks.”
“I am not discussing my love life with you,” Chris said, rubbing his eyes.
“Whatever. Why am I here?”
Chris tapped his fingers on the table. “Because it’s time for your redemption arc.”
“My what?”
“Every season needs a villain,” Chris explained. “You were season one’s, Justin and Courtney were season two’s, and you’ve mellowed out enough that I just don’t think you’re gonna cut it as the prime antagonist for season three. But you know what fans love? Redemption arcs. Antiheroes. And you’re perfect for the role.”
“I’m not sure I get it,” Heather frowned.
Chris pursed his lips. “What are your thoughts on Alejandro?”
“I don’t like him,” Heather said immediately. “I don’t trust him. I think he’s up to something, and I want to figure out what.”
Chris grinned. “Perfect. That’s exactly what we need. Look, this is my plan for the season. You’re right about Alejandro— he’s our bad guy, but he’s so charming, nobody’s gonna suspect him. Nobody but you. You two will be enemies who can’t help but slowly fall in love.”
“Ew!” Heather gagged. “No-no-no! Epic rivals I can do any day, but you want me to have some sort of gross crush on the guy? Not gonna happen.”
“You don’t actually have to like him. Just accidentally call him hot in the confessional and get upset when you do, pretend to get flustered and angry when he flirts with you, that kind of thing. All we’re trying to do is string the fans along on some enemies to lovers trope that Chef and Sierra both think is cute.”
Heather crossed her arms. “Alright, let’s say I do pretend to like this guy. What do I get out of it?”
“The more popular it is with the fans, the longer you stay on,” Chris said. “And the longer you stay on, the more I pay you. In addition to the, y’know, better chance at winning a million big ones.”
“…I guess I wouldn’t be opposed,” Heather said slowly. It’s not like she hadn’t kissed boys in the past to win challenges, although the thought of those encounters made her cringe.
“I’m gonna need a solid yes or no, kid.”
“I’ll do it,” Heather decided. She could stomach some flirting if there was cash involved.
Chris began to herd her back outside, talking about how the next challenge needed to start, when Heather stopped in her tracks. She’d just spotted a major flaw in Chris’ plan.
The man looked confused when she told him as such. “What flaw?”
“You’re assuming Alejandro will like me back,” she said. “Why would he? I mean, have you met me?”
“Trust me, he will. Just be yourself. Except for the lying about liking him part.”
“Okay, sure.”
Chris patted her back. “I’m not promising anything, seeing as I’m working on, like, three different angles at least, but I’m just saying. You play your cards right… this could be your season.”
“It will be,” Heather decided. “Just you watch.”
***
“And I was right,” Heather concludes. She’s getting a range of looks from intrigued (Courtney) to annoyed (Noah) to inscrutable (Alejandro). “So anyways—”
“I didn’t know you were a lesbian,” Harold says.
Heather blanches. “Eh— Excuse me?!”
“You’re not into guys,” Harold says matter-of-factly. “Like you said, you only show interest in them when you’re trying to exploit them. And I haven’t once seen you swoon over Justin once, like everybody else has. Even Eva.”
“It’s true,” Justin and Eva say together. Him proud, her embarrassed.
“I— you don’t—”
Leshawna lays a hand on Heather’s arm. “Harold, whoever Heather does and doesn’t like, that’s none of our business.”
“Thank you,” Heather snaps, whipping her head around to glare at Alejandro. “And I don’t see what’s so funny!”
Alejandro, for his part, is doubled over laughing. “It’s not that,” he gasps, wiping a tear from his eyes. “I mean, it is, but not in a bad way. Ay Dios mío, this show is ridiculous.”
“So are you gonna tell us why you’re laughing, or…” Bridgette trails off as Alejandro collects himself.
“I suppose I should share my own story— after Noah, of course.”
“I was hoping you’d forgotten about that,” Noah grumbles, “but whatever. It’s not like I have any dignity left. Especially around you people.”
“Quit stalling, and tell us!” Cody calls.
Noah mutters something under his breath that sounds like, “Life, why do you hate me so?”
***
France was good, because Alejandro thought his strategy for distracting the yeti was smart. He’d also asked Noah to go through the lasers, and while Noah was still not quite used to the idea of putting in effort for possible money, he couldn’t say no to those eyes. Newfoundland was even better, because Noah could’ve sworn Alejandro was flirting with him when he helped him onto the boat. Not to mention the fact that Alejandro wriggled his way in between Owen and Noah once ashore, effectively making them partners for the relay challenge. And even though the plane crashed in Jamaica and Chris pushed him off a cliff, Noah got to take a long walk across the beach with just Alejandro after the challenge was over. The fact that he declined to change out of his swimsuit was really just a bonus.
So when the cast began to board the newly refueled plane, Noah was actually in a decent mood.
It was quickly terminated when Chris placed a hand on his shoulder and said, “We need to talk.”
Having worked as the man’s assistant for several months, Noah recognized that tone. It wasn’t Chris’ host voice, where he acted like he didn’t give a damn about anyone on the cast. That was Chris’ serious, down to earth, we need to talk about something you’re not gonna like voice.
“Just rip the bandaid off,” Noah said as soon as they were out of earshot. “What is it?”
“Look, kid, I don’t like dashing hopes—”
“—could’ve fooled me—”
“—but you need to shut down whatever thing you and Alejandro have going on.”
“…What thing?”
“Hey, I may be self centered—”
“May be?”
“Okay, fine, I’m absolutely self centered, but I’m not blind,” Chris sighed. “I was waiting for it to run its course, but this has been going on since day one, and it doesn’t look like it’s gonna stop anytime soon.”
“Why do you have an issue with—” —Noah lowered his voice— “—my crush on Alejandro? The network being homophobic, or something?”
“The network’s always homophobic, kid,” Chris grumbled.
Noah just raised an eyebrow. They’ve had this particular conversation before, but Noah couldn’t tell what was going on this time.
“Look, Alejandro needs to end up with Heather for this show to keep going,” Chris explained. “And, for reasons that aren’t my place, and that I don’t particularly want to discuss, you’re getting in the way of that. Now, I can’t ask you to stop liking the guy,” he said as Noah opened his mouth to protest, “but I will pay you to badmouth him. Next challenge, once he goes MIA— do we have a deal?”
“Fine,” Noah said miserably. He really did like Alejandro, but… “It’s not like I have a chance anyways.”
Chris patted his back. “I am sorry, kid.” And if Noah hadn’t been reeling from their conversation, he would’ve been able to recognize Chris as being genuine. Instead, he shoved Chris’ arm off.
“Whatever,” he snapped, trudging back to the plane.
***
Everyone is whispering, giggling, or staring at Noah. The boy in question is staunchly avoiding making eye contact with any of them.
Trent shakes his head. “Getting shut down by Chris like that? Totally rough.”
“No kidding,” Katie says. Sadie nods. “That’s brutal!”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s my sob story,” Noah rolls his eyes, but his voice is tight. When he makes his way to Heather, she whispers, “Sorry about that,” before handing him his cash.
“Hello?” Duncan pokes Alejandro’s arm. “Earth to Alejandro?”
Alejandro, who has been frozen and positively gaping at Noah, shakes his head. “Sorry, I just— are you serious? You had a crush on me?”
“I’m not repeating myself,” Noah snaps.
“No, it’s just— I thought you had a crush on Owen!”
This time, it’s Noah’s turn to gape at him. “Did Heather bust your balls, or your brains?”
“Not that I’m not simultaneously flattered and offended by that, but Al, where’d you get that idea?” Owen asks.
“Chris told me, after I got captured during the London challenge,” Alejandro explains. “Because he wanted me to focus on flirting with Heather and get over my crush on…”
Heather can’t help but snort at how pale Alejandro goes. “Oh my God, Chris totally played you guys.”
“Hold on, let me get this straight,” Leshawna says, standing up. “So Heather was pretending to be into Alejandro this whole time, Noah was actually into Alejandro, and Alejandro— what, secretly liked Noah but pretended to like Heather?”
“I’d say you’re spot on,” Alejandro says. He’s blushing, but this is the most confident Heather’s seen him all evening. “I, uh. I’m not exactly interested in the ladies, to be completely honest.”
Noah looks like he’s about to laugh or cry, but can’t decide which. He settles on groaning, “I hate Chris!”
“Someone say my name?” the man calls, ambling toward their circle. “Dang, this is giving me major Camp Wawanakwa vibes! You got the marshmallows, the campfire…”
Sierra shoots to her feet, a mischievous gleam in her eyes. “You know what would make this just like the Total Drama Island finale?”
“I think I know exactly what you mean,” Geoff says, grinning evilly.
“What are you guys talking abou— not again!” Chris cries, sprinting away. Sierra, Geoff, and Owen run after him, as the cast begins a cheer of “Dunk-him! Dunk-him!”
“Not the hair!”
“DUNK-HIM! DUNK-HIM!”
Against a group of rowdy teens and the ocean, Chris and his hair don’t stand a chance.
Hours later, when it’s almost time to head to the hotel, Heather sits back in her beach chair, and smiles. Geoff, DJ, and Duncan are playing volleyball against Gwen, Courtney, and Bridgette. There’s a fair amount of strength and competitiveness on both sides, so Heather doesn’t know who to place her money on. Keeping an eye on them are Chris and Chef, crammed into the same lifeguard chair. Heather still doesn’t know if they’re dating, but they look content there, together. Izzy, Eva, and Owen have some kind of splashing war at the shore, that Katie and Sadie drag Justin into. Ezekiel runs up to them, nearly tripping over his own feet, and they integrate him into the fun seamlessly. Lindsay and Tyler cuddle on a beach towel, and a few meters away, Beth and Sierra build a sand castle. Beth is chattering about who-knows-what, and Sierra looks pleased to be the one listening for a change. Cody, Harold, and Trent are playing some kind of monkey-in-the-middle game with a frisbee. And a ways down the shore are Noah and Alejandro, and Heather might’ve seen them kiss, but it was really too dark to tell.
Leshawna slides into the chair next to her. “Crazy day, huh?”
“The craziest,” Heather agrees. Fighting to the top of a volcano and winning a million dollars already feels like it happened years ago. “What time is it?”
Leshawna shrugs. “No idea. Hey, I have another confession to make.”
“I think I’ve had enough of those for tonight,” Heather says truthfully.
“You’ll like this one, I promise.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“I’m really glad we’re friends.” Leshawna smiles at her.
Heather smiles back. “Me too.”
And she’s told a lot of lies on Total Drama, but that isn’t one of them.