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It hadn’t been that big of a deal at first. In fact, it was kind of cool. He was younger than two, older than two. Then fans started asking whether he was in the hyung line or the maknae line. And he realized he didn’t know the answer to that. He said that he considered himself to be in the hyung line just to see Yeonjun and Soobin’s reactions, which he knew would be less than enthusiastic.
So he let the two oldest push him out of the hyung line and let himself be welcomed into the maknae line by the two youngest. But there would still be debates about which line he truly belonged in. Beomgyu would continue to insist he was in the hyung line and sometimes he would get away with it. He got pushed and pulled between the two so often that he began to feel like he needed to fit into one.
Suddenly all of his insecurities within the group were the result of his being in the middle. He doesn’t get as many lines in a song? He’s not in either line. His dancing doesn’t get complimented as much as the others’? It’s obviously because no one pays attention to the middle child.
All of the middle child memes that he found funny before were all too accurate now. It didn’t help that both the fans and the members seemed to love bringing up the debate. He was sure that they didn’t mean anything by it, but it still left a sour taste in his mouth whenever he brought up the same argument.
They had just finished a stage and Beomgyu was looking through Twitter, happily reading all of the comments from MOA. Most of them were very happy with the performance, and the comeback in general.
And then he got to one that made him pause.
it’s a wonder that beomgyu is the center. i bet that they did it just because of age order. he can’t sing or dance. how did he get into hybe in the first place?
In his growing distress from that comment, he didn’t take the time to notice all of the replies defending him. All of a sudden he wanted nothing more than to read everyone’s bad opinions of him. He wanted to know what he did wrong.
“Hyung!” Taehyun called. “We’re going out to eat in five minutes.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’ll be there,” Beomgyu responded, waving a hand. If Taehyun noticed the distraction in his voice or on his face he didn’t say anything about it.
Beomgyu got up and went to dinner with the rest of them, talking and laughing like nothing was wrong. However, there was one phrase that stuck with him throughout the rest of the night, and the following days.
“i bet that they did it just because of age order.”
The other four noticed the changes in Beomgyu before the man himself did. While normally he would be able to laugh off any mistakes he made during dance practice, now he would get very solemn and serious, fixed on not moving on until he got the move right. Strangely, he was only like that for himself. When he messed up, he looked like he was almost angry with himself, but when any of the others messed up, he would tell them that it was okay, that they all had their struggles. After they noticed the change, they took turns saying those things back to him. He never looked like he actually believed them, but he accepted the words without protest.
Another change they spotted was that he no longer played along with the jokes about his age. Specifically those jokes. Every other one was the same as before. Sure, whenever the age jokes were made, he still laughed and insisted on his place in the hyung line, but that was mostly for show. They knew him better than he thought, apparently, because he was convinced that he had them fooled. So, the members themselves toned the bit down, and tried to end it as quickly and subtly as possible when it was a fan who started it.
Beomgyu noticed it when they started doing that. It made him nervous. Was he not as convincing as he originally thought? Even so, he was too scared to confront them about it. What if he was just making a mountain out of a molehill?
Eventually he would get better at everything. Eventually people would stop thinking that he was a bad dancer or a bad singer. He would become a good center. In the back of his mind, though, was the lingering fear that no matter how hard he tried he wouldn’t be able to live up to his position as center. What if he just wasn’t cut out for the position, and the only reason he had it really was because of his spot in the middle of the age lineup?
Somewhere along the way his insecurities stopped being the only reason he didn’t like his age. He got it into his head that being in the middle sucked for relationships with the other members too. He wasn’t young enough to be pampered like Taehyun and Kai, but he also wasn’t old enough to be respected and looked up to like Yeonjun and Soobin.
That realization really resonated with him. Because he was the middle child, he wasn’t special enough. It was really tough to grapple with that, and as much as he tried to backtrack and go back to a time in his head when that wasn’t true, he couldn’t. Now it was true, and there was no combating it.
“Beomgyu? Are you coming out for dinner?” asked Soobin, knocking on the door to the younger’s room. “Yeonjun-hyung cooked so you know it’s gonna be good.” He heard no response.
“If you really don’t wanna eat with us, at least say something so I know you’re alive in there,” Soobin said, only half-joking. Still nothing. “Well, if you won’t answer I’m coming in there myself.” He only waited a second before making good on his threat and opening the door.
The lights were all on, even on the lamps. Beomgyu was sleeping on his bed, not bothering with the blankets. Soobin softened.
“So that’s why you weren’t saying anything, huh?” He sat down next to Beomgyu and brushed the hair out of his face. “You really have been working so hard. You deserve this.” Soobin stood up, ready to turn the lights off and exit. Then he saw Beomgyu’s phone laying on the bed next to him. “Better plug this in,” he muttered. When he picked it up, he was surprised to see the fingerprint I.D. activate, and even more surprised to see it accept his print.
Soobin had Beomgyu give him access to fingerprint I.D. on Beomgyu’s phone for one day as a penalty for losing a bet. That day was over a month ago. Soobin had no idea why Beomgyu hadn’t removed it afterwards. Maybe he forgot, Soobin thought. He went to power off the phone; Soobin had no intention of snooping. He made a mental note to remind Beomgyu that he hadn’t removed Soobin’s access once he woke up. Before he could do that, however, something on the phone caught his eye. No…
Alas, it was true. Soobin pulled the phone closer to his face, so close that it hurt his eyes, just to make sure that he was reading it correctly and didn’t suddenly need glasses. In this situation, Soobin was sure that needing glasses would be the preferred outcome. His heart sank when he confirmed that he was right. All over the screen were posts and messages that were dedicated to hating on Beomgyu, more specifically his position as the center of the group. There were more when you scrolled up or down.
“Soobinnie-hyung? What are you doing?” came the groggy voice from next to him.
Soobin panicked. He exited out of the page on the phone and set it down on the bedside table. “Nothing, silly. Just coming to check up on you. Go back to sleep, alright?” He reached down and grabbed the charger.
“Oh…yeah, alright.”
Once he was sure Beomgyu was actually sleeping, Soobin was finally able to leave the room. The air had become stifling.
He walked into the living room where the other three had already dished up. They turned to him and took in the anxious look on his face. The smiles that were on their faces faded.
“Guys,” Soobin said with a heavy heart, “we should have a talk."
Beomgyu awoke with heavy eyelids and a cloudy head. It was the first time he had taken a nap longer than ten minutes in a while. He lifted his head up and shook it, hoping to clear things up a bit. The alarm clock on the table next to him read 7:37 p.m. I missed dinner!
He sat there for a minute, wondering why no one came in to tell him to come eat. Then he grabbed his phone to check for notifications. He saw one for Twitter and was reminded of what he was doing before his nap. He felt the satisfaction from sleep drain out of him to be replaced by weariness. Still, he unlocked his phone. Maybe he would be able to close the tab before he got the chance to actually register any of the words written. When he unlocked the phone, though, it didn’t open up right to Twitter. That’s strange, he thought, I fell asleep scrolling through it. How would it go to the homepage when I was already asleep?
Y’know, now that he thought about it, he didn’t plug his phone in before he fell asleep either. He furrowed his brows, trying to recall anything he might be missing. Oh right, Soobin-hyung was here for a little bit. He must’ve plugged in my phone. Beomgyu relaxed a bit. And then he bolted right up. Soobin-hyung has his fingerprint in my phone. He could’ve unlocked it… he saw… which explains why the tab is gone.
He flopped back down on the bed, face in his hands.
“Oh god.”
Soobin saw each of their faces fall when they realized where this was going. He didn’t like telling Yeonjun about this, even less so Taehyun and Hueningkai. But he knew it had to be done. They were all adults who could handle this type of thing. It was affecting the whole group so they had a right to know.
After he was done telling them about what he saw the four of them sat in silence for a bit, contemplating. The dinner Yeonjun prepared had gone cold. None of them really minded. It was just as good reheated, if not better, and besides, Beomgyu would always be more important than food.
Hueningkai was the first to spot Beomgyu, sitting straight up when he saw him. The others soon followed suit.
The man of the hour shrunk up when he sensed all of the eyes on him. He waved shyly.
“Hi.”
Yeonjun walked over. He wrapped Beomgyu in a hug. After a moment Beomgyu untensed, melting into the comforting arms of his hyung. Everyone else took this as their cue to join the hug. Soobin got on the other side of Beomgyu, which he greatly appreciated. Soobin always gave the best hugs. The two youngest stretched their arms around the trio awkwardly. It somewhat worked. Beomgyu couldn’t help but laugh at the look on Kai’s face as he tried to (unsuccessfully) stretch his arms to meet Taehyun’s.
They all stood in each others’ arms for a few minutes. It surpassed the normal length of group hugs, even the emotionally driven ones. No one cared until it started to get a little too warm.
“Not that I’m not enjoying this,” Beomgyu broke the silence, “but it’s getting really hot here in the middle.”
They spread out, apologizing quietly. Soobin motioned to the living room and raised his eyebrows. Four nods of acceptance came, and they filed into the living room. No one wanted to have to separate too far, not even to sit on actual furniture, so they all opted to sit together on the floor instead. Beomgyu laid down with his head in Taehyun’s lap. He held hands with Soobin. Yeonjun and Kai sat together facing the other three.
“So,” Hueningkai spoke, “do you want to talk about it?”
Instantly the calm atmosphere was gone. Taehyun’s fingers paused their raking through Beomgyu’s hair momentarily before starting back up again.
“Not really. But I don’t really have a choice anyway, do I?”
“You always have a choice, baby,” Soobin said softly. “We won’t force you to say anything. It would mean a lot to us if you did, though.”
“We just want to help,” Taehyun added. Beomgyu sighed.
“I know, it’s just… it’s hard.”
“We’ll wait as long as you need us to,” reassured Yeonjun.
Beomgyu took a deep breath. He wanted to get this all over with in one sitting. There was no space for breaks to catch his breath.
“I guess… I saw some comments saying I can’t sing or dance as well as you guys and it made me worried. Someone else said that the only reason I’m center is for convenience with age order. It’s just that we’ve made it a joke that I don’t fit in either the hyung or the maknae lines, and it’s kind of made me realize that I don’t really have a place that I fit into within the group. I started working harder so I could figure out if I really am just the center because I’m in the middle. I thought that reading the posts would help me work harder.” He saw the worried looks on their faces. “It’s not something you guys did! You never meant anything by it, I was just being too sensitive.”
“We’re still sorry,” responded Soobin. “And you weren’t being too sensitive. You’re allowed to be hurt by things we did, whether we did them on purpose or not. I just want you to tell us the next time something we do bothers you, okay?”
Beomgyu nodded slowly, processing his statement.
“And you’re a perfect center, Beomgyu-hyung! You can sing and dance just as well as the rest of us and you deserve it. It’s just a coincidence that you’re in the center of our ages too,” Hueningkai exclaimed, much louder than either Soobin or Beomgyu had been.
“Yeah, hyung. It’s not your fault that people don’t appreciate your talent as much. In fact, it’s their loss. What idiots, they couldn’t spot talent on someone if it was dangled in front of their eyes.”
They all giggled a little at Taehyun’s perfectly in-character words. Sometimes they wondered if he was trying to act like his on-camera stereotype.
“Being in the middle doesn’t mean you don’t fit in, Gyu. Actually, it might mean that you fit in more than the rest of us. You could be in either line you wanted. That has to count for something. ”
“I am still of the opinion that you belong in the maknae line, though,” Soobin declared. Yeonjun nodded his agreement, even though he had just said Beomgyu could be in either line he wanted.
Beomgyu sighed. “Thanks. I… I needed that.”
Soobin smiled. “We know. Let us know if you need it again. Any of us will be happy to talk to you about it.”
“Exactly! You can come to me if you feel like you want to look at people saying those things about you, and I’ll try my best to distract you from it,” Kai reminded. “You could talk to any of us. We all want to be there for you.”
“I’ll try my best, I promise.” Beomgyu sniffed the air. “Now, is that dinner I smell? Can I go heat some up?”
Yeonjun laughed, ruffling Beomgyu’s hair before standing up himself. “You better. I worked hard on that.”
“Thank you!” Right before he ran off to the kitchen, he paused. “I… I really love you all, you know that, right? I really don’t know what I would do without you.”
They all looked at him. “Yeah, we know. We love you too, hyung. Our lives would be a lot duller without you in them.”
“Well said, Taehyun.” Yeonjun clapped his hands. “First one to the microwave gets to reheat their food first.” And he ran to the kitchen.
They stared after him. “When do you think he’s gonna realize he left his food here?”
As soon as those words were said, Yeonjun walked back into the room, looking at the ground. He grabbed his food. “That was just a warmup. Go!” He ran back to the kitchen.
Taehyun, Hueningkai, and Soobin soon followed, each of them also running. None of them wanted to be last. While Beomgyu would usually be right up there with them, today he was content to be last. Think of it as payment for them helping him. (Later he would tell them that that’s why he let them win. Soobin would wack his shoulder lightly, and then look in his eyes and tell him seriously that they didn’t need payment for that, he would never need to pay them back for comforting him, him still being with them was reward enough. )
Sometimes Beomgyu would end up taking them up on their offer to talk. He only ever ended up looking at the hate deliberately one more time. Every other time he got the urge one of the members managed to talk him out of it. He really was telling the truth when he said he didn’t know what he would do without them.
Now whenever the “Which line is Beomgyu in?” debate was brought up, the hyungs would still try to push him into the maknae line. It was a tossup each time whether Kai and Taehyun would welcome him or try to push him into the hyung line, calling him just as old as Soobin and Yeonjun. After time Beomgyu found that he didn’t really mind anymore. He would be happy wherever he ended up. Besides, like Yeonjun said, he could conceivably be in either. That just meant that he fit in twice as much as everyone else.
Maybe being the middle child wasn’t so bad after all.