Chapter Text
To Beatrice, who got fuckin snatched lmao rip
You're probably familiar with the concept of being shipwrecked, whether through television or other media. It's extremely unpleasant (like everything else in this series ayy emo ten year olds where u at) and most people involved die. So if you're squeamish about ships crashing, you shouldn't read this. Come to think of it, you shouldn't read this regardless.
My name's Listerine Dipshit and welcome to the fourteenth installment of A Clusterfuck Of Things Going Wrong, where Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Kit Snicket's baby (did she have a name? who cares I'm naming her Carla) have crashed onto the shore of Bitchass Bay, near a small rural town with characters who mean well but don't help at all. I've been stalking these kids for a long, long time, and I'm starting to notice a bit of a trend.
"Bok!" Sunny exclaimed, which meant something along the lines of: "Honestly I'm getting sick and tired of this bullshit like we sail in the sea for 2 damn months and the water just decides to throw us into this damn shore like I know we're supposed to be unfortunate but what the hell give a bitch a break". Klaus and Violet nodded.
"The ship is completely broken," sighed Klaus. "Well, it was nice while it lasted. I guess we have to find shelter elsewhere."
Violet picked up Carla and the four of them began making their way toward civilization. After walking for about half an hour, they spotted a string and a paper clip on the ground. Violet tied her hair up, and within 20 minutes she had built them a 2006 Honda Odyssey. "Everyone get in."
I should probably mention that I'm typing this in the restroom of a California Pizza Kitchen in Sacramento, with my good friend Carlos patrolling the outside. The rest of the customers are extremely confused as to why we're keeping the restroom to ourselves, but trust me, it's for serious VFD business. So basically, there's these people chasing us to try and get the jar of mayo that I stole from Count Olaf's second cousin's friend's lawyer, and this jar of mayo is actually super important because hidden inside of it is a-- you know what? Nobody cares. Back to the story.
Violet pulled up the car in front of the first house they came across-- it was a small, rundown farmhouse surrounded by greenery. They knocked on the front door, hoping the owner would be hospitable. An old man in a cowboy hat answered, yawning.
"Howdy!" he said sleepily, scratching his backside.
"Hello," Violet replied quickly, "I'm Violet, and this is Klaus, Sunny, and Carla. We're in need of a place to stay, do you think we could stay here for a night or two?"
"Well sure thing, kids who I've never met before! The name's Farmer Fuk, Owner of Fuk Farms!™"
"Fuck?" Klaus asked in disbelief.
"Fuk! With a K and only a K! Get your mind out of the gutter, city boy! Anyhow, y'all can just come right in! Make yourselves at home!" Farmer Fuk yelled before firing a loaded rifle into the air.
The orphans looked up and found that there was indeed a large sign hanging over the house that said "Fuk Farms", with a K and only a K.
"But... how did... that was a verbal-," Klaus began, but Violet elbowed him in the arm, not wanting to anger someone with a rifle that large. She gave him a look that said I know neither of us are into this hick shit, but we're out in the middle of nowhere and it's our only option, and Klaus replied with a look that said fine. fuck it.
And so the Baudelaires (and Carla) entered the property of Fuk Farms, not knowing what kind of unfortunate events they would experience there.