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I think I've been telling lies
And more than just the normal stuff, how I’m okay. That I’m alright. I slept fine. I’m just tired. Everything’s okay. That I’ll be fine. That it doesn’t hurt when everyone tells me to shut up. To stop flirting. Stop trying to get with every alien I see. Stop joking around. Be serious. Be more like Keith.
'Cause I've never been in love
Yeah, of course everyone knows me as ‘Loverboy Lance.’ The flirt, the Casanova, the joke. As many aliens I’ve told cheesy pickup lines to and as many times I’ve asked Allura and even Keith on a date, I’ve always been laughed off. Pushed aside. Made into the joke. I’ve never been in love, or at least I’ve never been taken seriously enough to know if it’s love I feel or just a longing for affection I know I’ll never receive.
Everyone falls for the sunshine disguise
Distracted by who they're thinking of
I’ll always be goofball Lance, the jokester, the one who can’t take anything seriously. Even when all my jokes are said between quivering lips, even when my smiles never meet my misty eyes, and my pickup lines are just hasty cover ups to breakdowns. I’ll always be the stupid seventh wheel that’s only good to be the butt of the joke. Only for everyone else to get a good laugh while I bite back cries. How can anyone love someone like me? They can’t…
I'd rather date an idea
Something I'll never find
Because if I let myself believe I can really be with the person of my dreams, that would be like hoping for two Clear Days on Drazan. I’ll never find someone who meets my long list of wants. Someone who’s confident, but not cruel. Someone who is funny but has depth. Someone who cares with every piece of their being. Someone who loves every part of me like I love them. Someone to hold me even in my panic attacks. Someone that when you look into their eyes, the universe just makes sense. Or at least, I’ll never find someone who wants me back, let alone love.
Sure, I'll live in the moment
But I'm never happy here
I just can’t be happy here. Excusing the fact that I don’t have a lover and never will, I can’t ever smile without straining. Not without my mama and papa. Not without Veronica telling me to shut up when I worry about her. Not without Sylvio tackling me every time he sees me. Not without Nadia cradled in my arms. I can’t be happy here. And I wasn’t even happy there, always chasing after girls during the day and boys at night.
I'm surrounded by greener looking time
Allura is satisfied alone, I would just distract her. I don’t even know anymore if I actually like her or just like the idea of having someone so perfect like me back. And Keith… nothing about his mullet screams straight but how could he want someone like me even if he liked guys? Every time I look into his eyes, it’s like looking into the depths of space. Except in his galaxies I’m not alone. But then he blinks, and I’m reminded that I’ll always be left behind in the vast expanses of space, isolated and drifting away from everyone I held dear.
Am I the only one
Wishing life away?
Wishing I could be more than this charade I play? Wishing I could be seen as more than the cracking mask I plastered on my face so long ago? Wishing I could be more than just the extra Paladin?
Never caught up in the moment
Busy begging the past to stay
And I’ll be begging until my voice is hoarse and my throat is raw. I’ll be begging to be back with my family. To have spent more time getting to know the newest focus of my infatuation rather than just bouncing around from person to person. To have introduced myself to the Paladins and Alteans as myself, rather than this caricature I invented.
Memories painted with much brighter ink
I’ve always been one to romanticize the past while dreading the present.
They tell me I loved, teach me how to think
And as much as I’d like to think I haven’t been in love, that I haven’t had heartbreak. That I just haven’t met the person for me yet. I know I’ve been in love, when I really am honest with myself. I am in love. And I’ll spend the rest of my days pretending I’m not.
I'll take what I can get
'Cause I'm too damp for a spark
I’m just not made to be loved, not like that. Not in the way I wish he the person would care about me. I was not built to be adored. When you look in my abnormally tiny pupils all you’ll see are… pupils. My eyes are not a stormy sea to be lost in, they’re not a deep ocean to swim in. They’re just eyes. They’re nothing more than blue.
Kissing sickly sweet guys
I’ve kissed more people than I would care to admit, and yet I’ve never felt anything more than soft lips and aggressive nips on my own. I’ve never felt more than just meaninglessness.
'Cause they say they like my eyes
But I'd only ever see them in the dark
I know they’re not someone who really sees me when they compliment my eyes. I’d never kiss someone more shallow than the empty lakes of my pupils if I weren’t shrouded in the darkness of my loneliness. Dark rooms and darker hearts.
I'm sick of faking diary entries
Got to get it in my head
I'll never be 16 again
I know spending the end of my teenage years fighting in an intergalactic war is no waste of time, but it’s not how I always dreamed for it to be.
I'm waiting to live, and waiting to love
Oh, it'll be over, and I'll still be asking when
I’ll be left alone while the rest of the Paladins go off helping the universe, leaving me in my loneliness. I know in the end I’ll be just another human again while they’re off being the saviors. All I am is just another person tagging along in their shadow.
Am I the only one
Wishing life away?
I have never gone a single day without wasting it wishing I was somewhere else. I spend more of my life inside my head than I do outside of it.
Never caught up in the moment
Busy begging the past to stay
Memories painted with much brighter ink
All I’ll ever be is a fleeting thought. Just a stupid boy you kissed one brainless night. Just another Paladin lost in the group. Just the youngest of a large family. Just a boy looking in the past for a love that was never there.
They tell me I loved, teach me how to think
I'm sick of faking diary entries
Got to get it in my head I'll never be sixteen again
I know I could go right up to Keith and confess everything. How I’ve loved him. How I’ve tried to overcompensate my crush on him by pining after Allura so publicly. And I know he’ll be disgusted. He’ll hate me for using her as an object of fixation instead of treating her with the respect she deserves. He’ll be appalled that someone like me could ever let myself fall for someone as amazing as him. But I can’t even think about what I want in a partner without describing Keith.
I'm waiting to live, still waiting to love
Still waiting for someone to accept my love with open arms. That I don’t have to cover my feelings with cheesy lines that no one finds humorous. That I won’t have to hold back from expressing myself any longer. I’m still waiting for him to love me back.
Oh, it'll be over, and I'll still be asking when
I’ll always be left with an answerless question.
Oh, it'll be over, and I'll still be asking when