Work Text:
I don't know why
I never know why, even when I hold my head up high and lay across Hordak’s throne as I claim it as my own, I never know anything. Not about this, not about her. Never about her. I can talk big and scratch up all the walls and threaten anyone who comes across my path but the second the conversation turns towards her, it’s all over.
But I'm feeling like
I need to scream in a Horde ship
Windows down
Not the screaming, I usually do. Not telling Kyle how pathetic he’s being, not yelling at Lonnie for being unproductive, not that. No, what I crave is feral sounds ripped from the depths of my throat coming out until there’s nothing left but raspy breaths.
In the middle of winter
Even as the tips of my ears turn blue and my freckles freeze off one by one I keep on going, because the cold is nothing at all to the storm inside me.
Miss family dinner
As if I ever had any family but her. And yet she was so much more. Lonnie, Rogelio, and Kyle have each other. And Shadow Weaver already picked her heir. All that’s left is me, alone.
But it's not like
There'd be much on my plate anyway
There never is, not for me. Not when I’m not the perfect little soldier toy. Not when I’m not the good little string puppet to play around with to Shadow Weavers will. Never for me. Even if I did everything she ever asked, I’d never be her perfect little chosen one.
"Why'd you have to leave?"
I ask myself that every day and yet the only one that can answer that is her. No one but her, nothing but her. That’s how my life has always gone.
Or "Why did you cheat?"
I’m not even lucky enough to have had one in the first place to cheat on me.
Shout something cathartic
Or borderline pathetic
If she could hear me now, maybe she’d laugh. Laugh at silly little Catra Applesauce Meow Meow who can’t get her feelings straight. Not that they would be straight even if I understood them.
Write it out and send it
Hope that you don't get it
I could send her a million and one letters and I know she would never receive a single one. Not with me here, in our home, and her there with the enemies. Even if she did receive it I’m sure she would just tear it up like I tore up our drawings.
But it's not like I have much to say anyway
If only that were true…
No, it's not like I have much to say anyway
Why can’t it be true?
'Cause I don't have an ex
I don’t know what you were to me, but if I’m honest with myself I know I wasn’t yours. And you weren’t mine. Even as I slept at the end of your bed every night, we were never together. Even when you were the only one to seek me out when I hid behind the boxes in the storage room, we were nothing more than Horde soldiers separated too early.
Yet I have a one that got away
You didn’t just get away, you left. You chose to leave and you chose not to come back. You chose them, our enemies, over me, the one you promised to stay with. But promises don’t matter when you’re the perfect little soldier anyone and everyone would want. Everyone does want you. Even me.
And I always forget, oh
That I can't count the girl I didn't date
Because I know you would never count me, you never did. You could have anyone you want, anyone on either side of this fucking war.
So why do I feel this way
When I don't have an ex
I don't know why
It's been on my mind
It’s all I’ve ever thought about, all I’ve ever known. It’s consuming my thoughts like the invading feeling of Shadow Weavers magic taking over my body.
I've never not been lonely
Even as you held my hand, even as you say by my side. Even when I slept on the other end of your bed every single night since we met. Even when I declared myself the real ruler. Even when I took control of this whole god damn war.
It's not like I
Haven't had a few heartbreaks
More than I've had dates
And somehow every every heartbreak was you and you, no one but you. It could have never been anyone but you.
But I just want to love before I lose
No matter how many battles I win, all I ever do is lose. Lose you over and over again, claws to sword and fight after fight, no matter the outcome I still lose. It will always be a lose while you’re on the other side.
But I know I'm young
Got nothing but time
But I'm only growing older
Every day is just another day without you, another day knowing you’re not choosing me. I watch every day go by knowing you’re growing up without me.
And I wanna invest in
Something I'll regret
is that a big request
Yes, it is. It’s a bigger request than finishing a war that was started long before I was born. It’s a bigger request than being forced to be a soldier for my own abuser.
'Cause I just want to play the radio
And shout about a feeling that I know
I can shout all day long about you, about her, but it’s not in the way I want. I can’t even call her an ex. I can’t even say she was mine and I was hers.
But I don't have an ex
Yet I have a one that got away
She left and left and left.
And I always forget, oh
That I can't count the girl I didn't date
As many days as we spent together, it was never a date. Even when we slept in the same bed it wasn’t actually being together. She was the only girl I was ever with and yet we were never actually with each other.
So why do I feel this way
When I don't have an ex
I have no right to feel like this, no right to have thoughts like this.
'Cause I thought it'd be you
To break my heart if you had to
And the worst part is, I would have rather had my heart broken than nothing at all. I would have taken direct pain over this neglected feeling. Because then it would have at least felt valid. I would have been able to blame you, instead of myself.
Would have let it slide if I had
Got to call you mine
I would have let you do anything as long as you were mine and I was yours.
But instead I'm on my own
Back to what I'm used to
Without you
Now when I hide alone in the dark, there’s no one to come tell me to eat dinner. Now when I’m screaming and crying there’s no one to hold me until I breathe again. Now when I have endless nightmares there’s no one to wake me up and say I’m safe.
'Cause I thought it'd be you
To break my heart if you had to
Would have let it slide if I had
Got to call you mine
How can you be the only one to truly make me feel helpless? Even with all the magic Shadow Weaver has used against me only you can make me feel like this.
But instead I'm on my own
Back to what I'm used to
Without you
I should never have expected anything less. Of course she would never stay with me. Not with someone this messed up, this violent, this uncaring. She never should could have stayed with me. Not me.
And I might be a mess
What did I expect?
When I have a one that got away
No matter how hard I try to hide it, I know she sees me for the mess I am. How could I not be a mess when I break down more than anyone ever should?
And I always forget, oh
That I can't count the girl I didn't date
Why do I feel this way?
When I don't have an ex
Even though I know Adora will never be mine and I will never be hers, I can’t help but feel like screaming.