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Though each and every individual strand of my hair was perfectly in place, I still made a mental reminder to redye my roots. If Mother takes the time to really look at me… well, let’s just say I don’t stand a chance.
Straight hair, straight A's, straight forward, straight path.
You don’t get to wear this star of honor by sitting idly by, now do you? No, you walk with an air of easy confidence. Like you don’t even have to think about how each stride needs to be the correct length to look steady and unbothered while also not looking like you’re trying too hard. You need to hold your books like you actually care about class but not like too much that you obsessively study every night making sure you never get lower than 100% on anything. Just… keep going straight forward forward forward, straight to the Emperor's Coven.
I don't cut corners
I make a point to be on time
I enter each class first, because you never become star student by being second in anything. No one cares about second place, second best, second to arrive, second to anything. And third… now that’s just impossible to rise up from.
Head of the student council
And still never enough. Just need to meet with the teachers more, lead my classmates better, read to the kids at the library more often, just a little more. Just keep going straight forward. Straight is the closest path between two points.
I don't black out at parties
I jam to Paul McCartney
I am the responsible kid, the kids parents tend to trust. I’m the sober friend, the one who leads friends home when they’re stumbling over their own feet. I’m the ideal kid. Or at least, I would have been if I didn’t have two seemingly perfect older siblings. How can you ever be perfect when everyone only sees your mistakes and only sees their achievements?
If you ask me how I'm doing
I'll say...
Well, hmm
I just need to keep my mask perfect, keep it flawless. I need my walls up and impeccable. I can’t have a single crack in my façade. Asking how I’m doing, that’s just trying to rip down the ever so carefully crafted mask I’ve built throughout the years.
I was adopted when I was two
And yet they still punish me for not being the same as Emira and Edric, as if I have the same genes as them. It’s not my fault I don’t have naturally green hair, that I’m not a perfect match in this porcelain family.
My parents spoiled me rotten
Often I ask myself, "What did I do?"
To get as far as I've gotten
I worked and I worked. I studied and volunteered. I met with tutors and teachers outside of class. I found the strongest, the most powerful kids in class, and I made myself essential to the friend group. I read and I read and I will never stop working.
A pretty girl walks by my locker
My heart gives a flutter
But I don't dare utter a word
'Cause that would be absurd behaviour
For little miss perfect
Crushes don’t fit. Love doesn’t fit. Liking a girl doesn’t fit. I just need to shave off the sides of my puzzle pieces, force myself to fit even when it hurts. Just cut off the excess and make myself belong. I need to just confirm and fit in and yet I need to stand out and be seen. Letting myself feel for her… distractions don’t fit.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
No, I can't risk falling off my throne
I’ve crawled my way to the top, I can’t ruin it all over something as stupid as a crush. I didn’t become star student just to get distracted and lose everything I’ve worked for. I didn’t force my way above everyone else, I didn’t lose everything I cared about just to screw my self over because of stupid feelings.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Love is something I don't even know
It’s not like Mother or Father ever showed me love. No it was always you need to work harder, you need to be more like Emira and Edric. Why can’t you just be like Emira and Edric? Your grades aren’t good enough. Emira didn’t struggle in that class. Edric didn’t have that much trouble. You’re just not trying hard enough. They say it’s so that I can be the best me I can be, and if that’s love then maybe it’s best I leave her alone. No one would ever want me anyway, let alone love me. Especially not a human.
Straight hair, straight A's, straight forward,
Straight girl
Little miss perfect
That's me
I should be proud. I’m everything Mother and Father ever wanted. I’m as close of a clone of Emira and Edric as I could be. And yet it’s never enough, not for me and definitely not for any of them.
One night my friend stayed over
We laughed, and drank and ordered
Something about her drew me in
What? It's totally platonic
At least, that’s what I tell myself. I mean, it could be. It’s not like I’ve had a real friend in years, how am I supposed to know what’s platonic between true friends? Then again, even all my years being friends with Boscha she could never convince me to drink. Luz just asked once, more of a joke than anything and I somehow lost all my protection against peer pressure. Not that she was pressuring me, just my stupid heart doesn’t want to stop fluttering at her every word.
That night was so exciting
Her smirks were so enticing
Hours speed by like seconds
Then, what happens is iconic
I never thought I could feel like this. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would beat right out of my chest. My face was red, and this time it was not out of anger. My words stuttered out, my voice so quiet I wasn’t sure if I was talking more to her or me. No matter how long I stared into her enchanting eyes I could have gazed into them for years longer.
She takes a sip, I bite my lip
Even though I know I should not be acting like this, talking like this, feeling like this, I can’t help it. And part of me doesn’t want to.
She tells a joke, I nearly choke
I actually snorted in laughter over my drink, she had to pat me on the back to help it go down. Part of me wished I would have kept coughing so she would have kept her hand on my back. God, if anyone in my family could hear me now they’d never let me hear the end of it.
She braids my hair, I sit there
Blacking out for the first time
I never knew what euphoria felt like before, and if I could have I never would have left her side. Her hands gently running through my hair, tenderly detailing the knots, for once I wished I had long hair so the braiding could last longer.
Next thing I know I lose control
The only times I’ve ever ever lost control is around her, the human, my human. It was just a matter of time before I gave into my deepest desires.
I finally kiss her but oh no
I see a face in my window
My bliss could not even last more than one beautiful second before I saw Emira looking into the room. Crazy how she says she doesn’t care about me yet spends all her time following me around, ready to tell on me. And she calls me the rat.
Then my brain starts to go
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
No, you can't risk falling off your throne
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
In one single moment of weakness I ruined everything. Now Luz knows how I feel, now Emira knows not only that I like girls but that I fell for the human. The castles I built myself brick by brick all crumble around me and all I can do is watch. How can I be so surprised at the explosion when I’m the one who lit the match?
Love is something you don't even know
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
I never knew love, I don’t know love. And now I screwed everything up, I ruined it. It’s too late to turn back and I don’t even know what I’m doing.
You can't risk falling off your throne
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
Love
You don't even know
I can’t undo this mistake, I can’t erase permanent ink, but I can rewrite it. I can change how this goes.
Rewind, induce amnesia
Deny the truth, that's easier
I promptly kicked Luz out, as much as the words burned like acid in my throat. I told her to leave, to not come back, that this was a mistake, as much as part of me just wanted to beg her to stay. I told her to forget about it, about me, cuz only when she’s gone from my life can I really move on.
You're just confused, believe her
Emira’s right. It was the drink. I can’t actually like Luz, let alone love her. I wasn’t thinking clearly, everything was muddled. I just don’t know how to act under the influence. Now the question is just whether that influence is Luz or the drinks.
When she says there's nothing there
There never was anything there. Just false hope and stupid wishes. I just have to ignore and pretend. Just act like nothing happened. Fake it till I make it. Just keep moving forward, straight forward, even if it means leaving people behind.
It's never worth it
When you're little miss perfect