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It wasn’t that $30 was that steep, it’s just it was more than Levi was willing to pay. He’d already bought the needles and the yarn, so he was heavily invested in the hobby, but still, $30? For six classes? Still, he figured he could afford the price for his mental health. He begrudgingly handed his card to the titian haired store clerk.
“Debit or credit?” she asked, smiling widely.
Levi couldn’t stand people who were so effortlessly happy like that. How the fuck did they do it?
“Credit,” he grunted. Did she have to ask him so many questions? This is why he hated leaving his apartment.
“…And here is your receipt,” she smiled again. Every time she smiled it was like the sun opened up on Levi and he wished he’d brought his sunglasses with him. “My name is Petra. Class begins in a half hour, so if you like, you can take a seat and I’ll be over to start the lesson soon.”
When his therapist had suggested he take up a relaxing hobby, he had at first laughed at the idea. Model airplanes? Gardening? Really? Then he remembered his new commitment to himself, which was to really give this therapy thing a shot. When he saw the poster for knitting classes pinned to the corkboard inside the elementary school auditorium where group was held, it seemed like fate. He wandered into the shop after one session and chatted up the clerk and she sent him home with all of the materials he needed.
Levi sat down and began carefully arranging his materials. He opened the packaging for his needles and set them down, lining them up perfectly with the edge of the table and then set his yarn down. Petra had wound it herself into what she called a cake. It did look pretty enough to eat. Yarncake. He pulled out his scissors and set them above the yarncake and then a few tapestry needles to his right. There, it looked like a place setting from Downton Abbey.
A woman and her friend smiled at him and then whispered to each other, giggling. That’s right, laugh it up. There’s a guy at a knitting class. How hilarious.
“I don’t give a fuck what your machine says, run it again!” came the loud voice from the register.
“I’m sorry, sir. Do you have another form of payment?” the shop clerk’s lip was wavering.
“No! There’s nothing wrong with my card, it’s your stupid fucking machine!”
“I assure you, sir, our machine works just fine—“
“What are you accusing me of?” he shouted.
“Nothing, sir—if you could just—“
“Look, I already bought your fucking needles and your fucking yarn before! And I wasted gas money just to get here! So I’m going to this class no matter what. It’s not my fault that your machine can’t—“
“Here,” Levi said quietly, slipping his card to the clerk and the angry man turned around. “I got it.”
“Are…are you sure, sir?” Petra asked, eyeing the shouting man warily.
“Yeah, it’s fine, I got it.”
Okay, so $60 for knitting classes.
“Oh,” said the other man, putting his wallet away. “It’s you. You decided to take Dr. Hanji’s advice and get a hobby too?”
“Yeah,” Levi nodded. “And the shop is right next to the auditorium.”
“Cool,” the taller man bobbed his head, scratching the back of his neck. “Hey, look, do you think you could not tell Dr. Hanji about my outburst just now?”
“It’s not really any of my business,” Levi said sitting down and adjusting his materials again.
“I’m Eren, by the way,” the man said, pulling out a plastic bag and dumping out his items. His ball of yarn rolled across the table and into the display Levi had arranged. Levi picked the ball up and set it aside.
“I know,” Levi said. He remembered everyone’s names and he gave them all titles. Eren, the Gambler.
“Sorry, I don’t really remember your name,” Eren prompted, scratching his head again.
“Levi.”
“Right. Dr. Ackerman. I remember now.”
“Well that’s great,” said Petra smiling again, seating herself far away from Eren. “How do you two know each other?”
“Well, we don’t really,” Eren said awkwardly, avoiding the subject.
“We’re in the same anger management group,” Levi answered, figuring there was no point in lying about it.
Eren looked taken aback by his candor.
“Oh,” Petra said in a little chirp, her eyes lingering on Eren before quickly dropping the subject.
The other members of the knitting class looked at each other and then each moved about six inches away from the two of them as if they were contagious.
“Right, well for today’s class, we’re going to learn how to cast-on. Now, in order to cast-on, we’re going to learn the slip knot. So grab your yarn…”
After the slip knot they moved on to the actual cast-on but Levi was still stuck on making that fucking knot.
“This is stupid,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Having some trouble there?” Eren asked, leaning over.
Firstly, Levi did not like people invading his space like that. That’s why he had carefully drawn lines with his notions. Secondly, yes, yes he was having a great deal of trouble. Why did he have to take a knitting class? He should have taken a sewing class. Fuck, he knew how to sew. Well, he knew how to stitch up wounds. His stitches were the best in the entire Sina Hospital!
“Here,” Eren said, grabbing the frayed end of Levi’s yarn with his nail bitten fingers. “You wrap it around like this, like you’re making a regular knot, but you don’t pull the end through. Then you just slip the loop on the needle. Like so.”
“The whole point of the class is for me to learn how to do it myself,” Levi snapped, pulling his needles out of Eren’s hands and polishing them to remove Eren’s fingerprints.
“Right. Sorry. Just thought I’d help you catch up,” Eren said amusedly.
“Well now that we’ve mastered the Cast-On, let’s move on to the Knit Stitch,” Petra said, beaming.
No wait! He was still on the fucking Slip-Knot! Goddamnit, this was stupid. Levi couldn’t believe he had paid $60 fucking bucks—that’s $10 per class!—to not learn a single thing. Levi looked around surreptitiously at his classmates, trying to copy what they had done, before settling on Eren’s raised eyebrows.
“Need some help?” he asked cheekily.
“No,” Levi said stubbornly.
“…And now you have your first knit row!” Petra said as Levi looked at his single loop on the needle in despair. “Now, we’re going to learn how to turn the row—oh, see how Eren has done it? He’s already a few rows ahead of us.”
How?
“How goes?” Eren leaned over, invading Levi’s space again as Levi attempted to cast-on a few stitches, his pointed tongue firmly set in his cheek and the crease between his brows furrowed in deep concentration.
Knitting involves two needles, which, for Levi, felt like two too many. And why did it suddenly seem like he had eight superfluous thumbs?
“This is stupid!” Levi spat loudly, standing up and throwing his knitting down before storming from the store.
He paced back and forth in the parking lot for a good five minutes, fully aware that everyone could see him through the large glass window. He heard the jingle of the bell and Eren joined him outside.
“Smoke?” he offered, slapping the pack in his hands.
“No thanks, I don’t smoke,” Levi managed through grit teeth, pacing back and forth.
Eren shrugged and lit up, blowing a steady stream of smoke into the night air.
“It’s just I should be able to do this!” Levi protested. “I have a medical degree!”
“Okay…” Eren said, leaning against a pillar supporting the patio of the strip mall.
“I mean, I’m the top cardiothoracic surgeon in the state!”
“Cool,” Eren nodded disinterestedly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Levi snapped.
“Well, I’m just glad you deigned to come down from your ivory tower to play with us plebs,” Eren drawled. “I am flattered that you found time in your schedule to mingle with a college dropout like myself.”
“Huh?”
Eren sighed, snorting smoke from his nostrils as he did so, and crushing the butt beneath his feet.
“It’s just you’re implying, ‘Well if these monkey jokers can do it, I should be able to too, since I’m sooo much smarter than they are.’”
“That’s not what I was saying at all,” Levi said defensively.
Actually, it was a little what he was saying.
“Well, hey look, it’s not brain surgery. It’s just sticks and string. There’s no mistake you can’t fix. Nothing that can’t be undone. Nothing is permanent. You just pick them up and—whup whup whup,” he finished, miming with the needles.
He had a point.
“Whaddya say? Wanna rejoin the group?” Eren jerked his head
“Not really,” Levi said, eyeing the cluster of folk inside. “I’m a little embarrassed.”
“About what? Your outburst? I loved it.”
“…Huh?”
“Yeah, man, I mean, it’s hilarious watching someone else besides me have a freakout, you know? I like not being the only asshole around.”
“Me too,” Levi said, relief flooding through him. And he really meant it.
Eren smiled around his fingers as he nibbled at a hangnail. They went back inside.
<*>
“It’s just ugly,” Levi repeated two weeks later, holding up the six inches he’d finished.
“No, it’s not,” Petra said reassuringly. “You just need to work on your tension. That’s the hardest part about being a new knitter, making sure your stitches aren’t too tight or too loose.”
“Tension,” Eren agreed. “Levi has a lot of that. Right here between his eyebrows.”
Eren pressed a nicotine stained finger between his eyebrows and Levi fixed him with a severe expression.
“Yikes, sorry,” Eren said.
“I just don’t like it,” Levi repeated, holding up his project. “Garter stitch is so…gross.”
“What’s gross about it?” Eren asked. He was already halfway through a green scarf that he insisted was for his sister.
“It just looks homemade,” Levi sighed.
“God forbid,” Eren rolled his eyes.
“I just don’t want people to see my project and go ‘Oh, did you make that?’ I want it to look so good they think it’s machine made.”
“Or at least made by tiny children in Indonesia,” Eren prompted and Levi pulled a face.
“Ha. Ha ha,” Levi said dryly. “I want my scarf to look like this—“ he said picking up a sample scarf. “Petra how do I do that?”
“Well that would be stockinette stitch.”
“Okay, how do I do that?”
“You need to purl. That’s the stitch we learned last week.”
“But I just mastered the knit stitch,” Levi complained. “And now there’s a second one I have to perfect?”
He sighed.
“Fine, I’m going to make a stockinette scarf.”
“Don’t do it,” Eren called from across the table. “You’ll regret it. It’ll curl.”
“He is right,” Petra agreed. “If you do stockinette, you need to put a border or something so it doesn’t curl.”
Levi waved her off.
<*>
“Look at this,” Levi said, indicating his scarf which at the moment looked like a party razzer.
“I told you,” Eren said, leaning over.
“You did. You did tell me. I’m going to frog it.”
“It’s for the best,” Eren agreed. “Put it out of its misery.”
Levi sighed.
“I spent all this money on these needles and this yarn and I’m never going to finish a single project,” Levi complained, pulling out the stitches.
“I’m Levi,” Eren said in a low voice, mimicking Levi’s cadence. “My needles are the Ferrari of needles and my yarn is the Lagavulin of yarns. I buy the best because I’m worth the best.”
“I don’t sound like that,” Levi rolled his eyes as the rest of the group laughed at Eren’s spot on imitation. “And I can’t help it if my Signature needles are better than your Clover bamboo.”
“Ouch, Petra, will you listen to this? Can’t finish a single project, but he’s already a needle snob.”
“Bamboo is great for beginners and experienced knitters alike. It’s not as slippery as metal needles so you can work on getting your tension just right,” Petra offered diplomatically.
“Levi likes it slippery,” Eren nodded.
“Get your mind out of the gutter. Everything is a sex joke with you. Now help me with this stupid scarf. What am I going to do? I don’t like garter stitch and I don’t like stockinette stitch.”
“You could try ribbing,” Petra offered.
“Ribbed for her pleasure,” Eren nodded, eyebrows raised.
“You’re so hilarious,” Levi rolled his eyes. “I didn’t think you’d be so funny.”
“Why not?” Eren asked, grabbing Levi’s ball and winding the yarn for him.
“Cute guys are never funny because they’ve never had to compensate for their looks before.” The words were out his mouth before he could stop them and he immediately flushed red. “Wait—“
“Cute guys,” Eren repeated giving a shit-eating grin. “Did the rest of you hear that? Levi thinks I’m cute.”
“Fuck off,” Levi muttered, reaching the end of his yarn.
The rest of the group gave each other knowing glances as Eren handed the ball to him.
“Thanks,” Levi said taking it begrudgingly.
“You could try Ravelry,” Petra said thoughtfully.
“What’s that?”
“It’s like a website with loads of free patterns. You should check it out.”
<*>
“Huh,” said Levi scrolling down the website. “Oh look at that, it’s like a pattern library. Now how do I…oh, I can just add it to my favorites. Easy.”
There was a little notification in the upper right corner and he clicked on it.
“BigTitanEren wants to be your friend!”
“Whaaat,” Levi muttered to himself. “You can friend people?”
He hit the accept button and immediately received another notification.
“BigTitanEren wants to share a pattern with you!”
“Hey Levi, look at this shawl. What do you think?”
He clicked on the pattern link.
“I think that is hideous and Stephen West needs to be charged with crimes against fashion,” he responded.
“I’m gonna knit it! :D” Eren typed back.
Levi snorted. Of course he was.
“Here, this one reminds me of you.” Eren sent him another pattern link.
“Pretty. But I don’t know how to do cables yet,” Levi sighed looking at the handsome tweed scarf.
“Petra is teaching a whole class on them next.”
Hm. He’d have to look into that.
<*>
“So, since it’s the New Year and everyone is talking about New Year’s resolutions and goals, I thought it would be great if we all set goals for ourselves, hm?” Dr. Hanji prompted. “What is something that you want to accomplish in this next year? Whether in group or outside?”
“I agree alpaca is less itchy than wool,” Levi muttered under his breath to Eren. “But the halo still tickles my nose.”
“Yeah, and it leaves little fuzzies on my coat,” Eren agreed out of the corner of his mouth.
“I think a silk blend would be nice,” Levi continued as Hannes (alcoholic) began listing his goals for the New Year.
“Yeah, but pricey. I think I’ll just go with a superwash wool.”
“MadTosh? Malabrigo?”
“Nah, Cascade.”
Levi nodded in approval.
“Okay, but what about—“
“Sorry Eren, Levi,” Dr. Hanji interrupted their whispered conversation. “We’re talking about goals. What are some goals you have, Levi? You haven’t shared yet in group.”
“My goals are to finish my group sessions and complete the terms of the settlement so I can get on with my life,” Levi said folding his arms across his chest.
Dr. Hanji looked a little pained.
“And, uh, to finish my scarf,” Levi finished, looking uneasy. “And learn cables.”
“Oh, you took my advice on picking up a hobby! How is that working for you?”
Levi didn’t like all of the eyes on him and he could feel his armpits start to prick in embarrassment.
“Good. I mean, it can be really frustrating, don’t get me wrong. But it’s also very relaxing. It’s like meditating. My compulsions are better.” Levi looked extremely uncomfortable so Dr. Hanji moved on.
“Eren? What about you?”
“Well, I think my main goal is to see my nephew again. Last time I saw my sis, we got into a huge fight over some money I took and uh, I came to blows with her husband so they don’t really want me around Armin anymore. I think I just want to show them that group is working and GA is working. I mean, I quit the online poker thing. Now when I’m online, it’s only porn and knitting pattern sites.” He laughed and gained a few chuckles at this. “I’m making my sister and nephew matching scarves, I think that’ll be cute. None for my brother-in-law, because he’s an asshole…”
<*>
“There. Done. Finished,” Levi said victoriously.
“Wonderful!” Petra said as Levi held up his bound-off scarf.
“Nice,” Eren nodded, weaving in the ends on his own project. “Are you going to wear it to the hospital?”
“Hell no. I don’t want people at work knowing I knit. It’s bad enough that I’m the short, gay surgeon, I don’t want to be the ‘guy who knits.’ I don’t really know what I’m going to do with it. Maybe donate it. Give it as a gift for some nurse’s birthday next time I’m caught unawares.”
“Last class! What are we going to do?” Eren sighed to Levi as they packed up.
“Well you guys know that we have a knitting circle that meets every week, right?” Petra said.
They stepped outside and Petra locked up the shop. Levi waited for Eren to light up his regular after-class cigarette but instead he reached into his plastic shopping bag and pulled out his scarf.
“Here,” he said wrapping it around Levi without warning. “I made this for you.”
“But this is for your sister!” Levi protested.
“Eh, green isn’t really her color. Besides, you paid for my classes, so really you paid for it.”
“I just spent all class telling you why I wasn’t going to wear my scarf.”
“Yeah, but this is different. It’s a gift. Now when everyone sees you wearing it, they know that someone made it for you. That someone cares about you and wants you to be warm,” Eren said, adjusting the scarf around Levi’s neck so the pattern showed.
Levi felt very warm suddenly. Very warm indeed.
“So are you going to the knitting circle then?” Eren asked, letting his fingers drop from the scarf.
“Yeah, I think so,” Levi said, pulling the scarf over his nose. He could smell tobacco and cat hair on the fiber, but he wasn’t bothered by it in the slightest. “I want to learn how to knit hats.”
“You don’t strike me as a hat kind of guy,” Eren pointed out.
“I’m not really, but I still want to learn. Hey, I was thinking of getting an interchangeable needle set.”
“I thought you had the Signatures?”
“I don’t have circulars though, and truth be told,” Levi said lowering his voice despite the fact that they were alone. “I think the Signatures might be a little overpriced.”
“What’re you thinking then? Because I have been eyeing the Addi Turbo Clicks since day one.”
<*>
“Wow, how pretty! Where did you find the pattern?” Hannah asked, leaning over.
“Ravelry,” Levi said. “It was free, but it’s really easy to follow so far.”
“I found a pattern on there for a sweater that I want to make for Franz but I’m nervous about starting such a big project. I already have six WIPs at the moment.”
“That’s a bad idea,” Eren said, breezing in late as usual.
“Why’s that?” Mina asked.
“Because of the curse!” Eren said wiggling his fingers.
“What curse?” Hannah asked.
“Ignore him, he’s full of it,” Levi waved Eren off.
“This is an actual thing. You’re never supposed to knit a sweater for your boyfriend or fiancé or else you’ll break up before the wedding.”
“See? He’s so full of shit his eyes are brown,” Levi sighed.
“Uh, this isn’t something I made up, I was reading about it on the forums. And my eyes aren’t brown, see?”
Eren leaned across the table and batted his eyelashes. He was right. They were actually an amazing shade of green. How had Levi not noticed that before?
“Petra talked me into the Hiya Hiya Sharps. Here, look, the cable swivels,” Levi said quickly, trying to distract himself from Eren’s handsome features.
“Nice,” Eren nodded in approval.
“Well, I don’t know what to knit him then,” Hannah continued to Mina.
“Okay, I’m stuck. It says here,” Levi pulled out his reading glasses and perched them on the end of his nose. “k2, p2, k1, then…ssk. The fuck does SSK mean?”
“Slip, slip, knit,” Eren said, walking around behind him. “It’s a decrease, like k2tog. You know how to knit two together right?”
“Yeah, but why can’t I just do that decrease?”
“Because it determines which way your stitches go. Here—“
Eren placed his hands on top of Levi’s. Eren had tanned skin, rough calloused hands, and Levi realized with a slight pang that his knuckles were scabbed over from a recent encounter.
“So you slip the first stitch knitwise—“
“What’s that mean?” Levi asked confused.
Eren gave a little laugh that was more of a puff of air in Levi’s ear.
“Like you’re going to knit it. Then you slip the second stitch purlwise (like you’re going to purl it). Then you put your left needle through the two on the right and—“ he wrapped the yarn around before whispering, “Tada!”
“Thanks,” Levi said, turning to look up at him. He realized he must look a bit like a goldfish with his reading glasses on and quickly removed them. “You’ve improved quickly.”
“Eh, I learn fast. You should have seen how quickly I picked up poker.”
His hands pulled away from where they had been encircling Levi and he sat back down across from him.
“See, I was reading this tutorial and they were saying that the stitch you put your needle through first is the stich that winds up on top. So for knit two together since you put your right needle in the second stitch that’s the one that winds up on top, whereas it’s the first stitch for slip slip knit.”
“Why are you so obsessed with topping?” Levi asked with a quirk of his eyebrow.
Eren burst into laughter and Hannah and Mina joined him.
“Hey, that’s just payback for all the dirty jokes you make all the time,” Levi mumbled as Eren continued chuckling to himself over the new scarf he was working on.
<*>
Eren didn’t show up to group or the knitting circle for three weeks. When he did finally show up to group, he looked tired and pulled his hoodie over his hands and face. He smelled like stale cigarettes and liquor. When Levi caught up to him after group, smoking a cigarette, he noticed the scrapes on his knuckles were fresh.
“Ah, yeah,” Eren said, feeling Levi’s eyes on his hands. “Me and my poker buddy Annie went on a road trip to Vegas and I won like three grand but the fucker wouldn’t pay up so some, uh, words were exchanged.”
Levi only nodded.
“Yeah, I’m wiped the fuck out,” Eren said wiping at his nose.
“Oh, hey, I finished my hat,” Levi said, pulling it out of his messenger bag.
He handed it over to Eren for inspection.
“Wow, it turned out really well,” Eren nodded.
“You can have it,” Levi struggled with the words.
“Oh, no man, I couldn’t take this.”
“No, I mean. I’m not really a hat guy and you are so…I mean unless you don’t like the color?”
“No, that’s okay, you keep it,” Eren said pushing it back into Levi’s hands. “I mean, the scarf was like, payback, you know? And if you give me the hat then I’ll owe you something. I know it’s ironic but for a compulsive gambler, I really don’t like owing debts. Besides don’t you have someone else you can give it to?”
Levi stared at the stitches in his hands, running over them with his tapered fingers and nodded.
“Y-yeah,” he coughed.
“Cool,” Eren nodded, going back to his cigarette.
Levi tried to wrack his brain, but really, he didn’t have anyone to knit things for. He’d been so sure Eren would like it, that he hadn’t stopped to consider the possibility that he might not. He sighed and tucked it away.
That night he was pulled from his bed at 1AM because he was sure he’d forgotten to put the leftovers back in the refrigerator. He checked the fridge just to make sure and then while he was there he took out every drawer and scrubbed them out.
<*>
Lingering after group or after knitting circle started out innocently enough. Just ten minutes to catch up in private in the parking lot. Then it became a half hour and then in the February cold, that just wasn’t practical so after knitting circle they went to the Starbucks around the corner.
“I can’t believe what I’m witnessing here,” Eren said, working on a tangle in his skein.
“Setting aside the fact that we are two men who knit—“
“Manly men,” Eren corrected, thumping his chest.
“Two manly men who knit, I don’t know what your problem is. You were fine with it as long I was knitting ‘masculine’ knits? Scarves! Hats! Ball scratching! Only primary colors!”
“It’s just it’s weird watching a grown man knit pink baby booties.”
“I didn’t have much of a choice! One of the nurses is expecting and someone said ‘Oh, Levi knits, you should ask him to make booties.’ I felt obligated.”
“Do they have to be Malibu Barbie pink?”
“You should see this woman, Eren, she is like the quintessential Mary Kay lady. Also, all the nurses hate me so this is finally my chance to get in good with them.”
“Ha,” Eren laughed, pulling at his hoodie strings. “Ow! Something poked me!”
He reached in his hoodie and pulled out several double pointed needles.
“Oh man, I forgot, I put them in my hair last night and they must have fallen into my hood.”
<*>
Then staying at the coffeeshop until it closed wasn’t long enough so they’d go over to the Irish pub and get a table and knit and have a few beers.
“On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the grossest, grodiest, nastiest thing you can think of, and 1 being ‘eh, that’s not so bad’ how gross is it to knit on the toilet?”
“Ew, Levi!”
“I’m just saying! It’s valuable knitting time I’m losing. The baby shower is in a week and I have half of one bootie finished. Also, it’s boring sitting anywhere now without my knitting.”
“Okay, 8. Because that is nasty. It’s like eating on the toilet.”
“I think it’s just as gross as using your phone on the toilet.”
“I thought you were, like, a clean freak?”
“Well I mean, if I held my knitting far away from the toilet—“
“Levi no!” Eren protested.
“—and didn’t touch it until after I wiped and washed—“
“No, Levi!” Eren covered his face with the red scarf he was working on for his sister. “You are such a weird shit obsessed little man.”
“What if I washed them before I gave them to her?”
“I don’t know, I’d be afraid they’d felt.”
“Well, I’m using cotton, so that’s not going to happen.”
“I still say it’s gross.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It was just a thought. I wasn’t actually going to do it.”
“Heh, you should start a knitting blog called ‘Knitting While You’re Shitting.’”
<*>
“I have a proposal for you,” Eren said, carefully sipping the foam off of his second beer.
“Why, Eren, this is so sudden,” Levi said, clutching his pink booties to his chest.
“Fuck off,” Eren laughed. “What if we were to, uh—“ he leaned in close after looking around at all of the tables. “—cheat on Petra?”
“You mean…” Levi also looked around in case Petra was hiding behind the bar. “Go to a different local yarn store? Go to some place that isn’t A Stitch in Time?”
Eren nodded seriously.
“There’s a place called Busy Bee that’s on the other side of town and I’ve wanted to go check it out. So what do you say? Road trip?”
“I don’t know…” Levi said, tapping his needles to his chin in thought.
“They have Brooklyn Tweed Shelter,” Eren said in a sing-song voice.
“I’ll drive!” Levi said quickly. Then he frowned looking at his project, “Help, help, what did I do? This one doesn’t look like the other one.”
“It looks like you messed up your right side and your wrong side.”
“I do not have time to frog this and start over,” Levi complained.
“So don’t, it’s not that noticeable.”
“But I’ll know it’s there. I gotta rip it.”
“Hey, Levi, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” Levi said, pulling out the pink stitches.
“Why are you…I mean, in group you mentioned, um, look you don’t have to answer this, okay? You seem like a pretty chill guy, so why are you in Dr. Hanji’s class? You mentioned a settlement and so I was just curious. I mean besides your freakout on the first day, I’ve never seen you lose your temper.”
“What are you talking about? All the waitstaff and nurses in a three county radius hate me. I’m a fucking asshole. And the worst part is I know it and yet…here I am.”
“Yeah, but that’s just like your personality. That’s like your thing. Like the swearing and the poop jokes. So many poop jokes. You know Freud would say something about that.”
“Fuck Freud. Fucking cigar smoking cocaine addict.”
Eren laughed.
“I, uh, well, I had a bit of a wakeup call a few months ago,” Levi said, staring at his stitches, his brow furrowing. “I’d rather not talk about it.”
The waitress came by and dropped off their tab, shooting Levi a nasty look as she did so. It was amazing some barista hadn’t poisoned him before now.
“Shit, sorry,” Eren said patting at his wallet. “I forgot, I’m fucking tapped out. Can you spot me?”
“Yeah, no problem,” Levi said as he put away his knitting.
“I’ll pay you back.”
“It’s fine,” Levi waved him off. “See you Thursday then? Busy Bee?”
<*>
“I have a confession,” Levi said as Eren unbuckled and stepped out of the car. “I don’t know the difference between a hank and a skein.”
“Oh, well a hank is those pretty loop things. And a skein is like those giant One Pound Caron things.”
“Shit. Then I have definitely been calling hanks skeins this entire time.”
“Eh, don’t worry about it. I think lots of people make that mistake.”
The Busy Bee was neat and tidy, unlike the cluttered setup at A Stitch in Time, but there was one thing that was bothering Levi.
“I don’t understand how they have this organized. The worsted weight is in here with the fingering weight. DK and Sport are touching! I don’t like it!”
“I think it’s organized by brand. Here’s the Brooklyn Tweed display. Here’s the Cascade,” Eren indicated, waving his hands.
“Yeah, but Petra has it organized by weight, so if I want, say, to make something with the bulky, I know where to go! This is just. Like I mean, look, they have all of the Madeline Tosh just sort of thrown in here. It’s disrespectful if you ask me,” Levi said grumpily.
Walking in a yarn store is like stepping on a fluffy rainbow. Everything is tactile, even for a person like Levi who preferred to keep his hands to himself. Eren's chewed up fingers brushed along a cranberry chain ply, letting his hands sink into the soft fibers. Levi was more particular, first touching with his eyes, sizing up a particular skein, and then narrowing in to pluck it from the shelf. Eren chuckled when Levi was forced on tiptoe to reach one item and instead pleasantly pulled it down for him.
"Thanks" Levi said begrudgingly to Eren's chest.
Eren only smiled and walked around a tall shelf. He stayed mostly hidden and Levi walked around the other side. He tapped his fingers in the spine of a pattern book only to find Eren's eyes following him playfully over the top of the shelf. Levi picked up a felted sheep and set it down in front of Eren's face blocking his view.
“Ooh, look Quince & Co,” Eren said holding it up when Levi reached the end of the aisle.
“I like their palette, what’s it feel like? Oh. That’s nice. I gotta say, Brooklyn Tweed has me very disappointed. It’s a lot rougher than I thought it would be.”
“Yeah, and the forums say that it breaks really easily.”
“Ah, that’s a shame. I was going to get enough to make a sweater.”
“Wow, really? You think you’re ready for a sweater?”
“Why not?”
“Iunno, it just seems like a lot. Maybe you could just start easy like with a vest?”
“Sure, I’ll just slap on some acid wash jeans to wear with my vest and then I could look like one of Elaine’s boyfriends from Seinfeld.”
Eren chuckled.
“This store is just throwing me off,” Levi continued complaining. “I just want to rearrange everything. I just don’t like it when things aren’t…symmetric. Like Petra keeps the shop balanced, but I will say her shelves could use some dusting. Are you not going to buy anything?”
“Naw, everything is a little too pricey.”
They shopped around a little longer before Levi finally made his selection.
“This was fun. Hey, do you want to get a late lunch or early dinner? I saw Thai food up the block.”
“Sure,” Eren nodded. “Oh hey, I need to get some smokes, do you mind?”
“No, sure go ahead,” Levi said as Eren walked in the grocery store.
He waited outside patiently for ten minutes, then finally wandered inside to see what was taking Eren so long. He wasn’t at the cigarette counter, he was at one of the electric lottery machines, playing poker.
“Oh hey, sorry,” Eren said distractedly. “I thought I’d play one hand quick, but I’m on a roll.”
“No problem,” Levi said, sitting down in the pastry section and pulling out his pink bootie to work on.
“I swear, it’ll just be like ten more minutes.”
Levi focused on the picot bind-off for his project, his tongue stuck in the corner of his mouth. When he next checked his phone, it was over an hour later.
“Sorry, sorry,” Eren said as Levi wandered over. “Here, I’m done.”
“How’d you make out?” Levi asked, not really able to think of anything else to say.
“Uh, in the hole for $40, but I’ll make that back some other day. So, dinner?”
“Actually, I’ve got to get back. I forgot I have some errands to run,” Levi lied.
Levi dropped Eren off at his apartment, went home and spent the night scrubbing down the kitchen. He pulled the stove out and swept behind it, getting all of the grease off the sides.
The expecting nurse loved the booties.
<*>
“Coffee?” Eren asked, taking his usual smoking break after the knitting circle.
“Naw, I shouldn’t have caffeine this late,” Levi deflected.
“Yeah, me either. I’m a little wired tonight as is. Could go for a movie though. Hey, we could go to your place and watch something! I thought you lived close by, right?”
Levi hesitated.
“Unless, I am being totally rude and inviting myself over,” Eren said scratching his neck awkwardly. “I just wanted some uninterrupted knitting time so I can finally finish these scarves. Scarves just take so fucking long, you know? Like, you get halfway and then it’s like the second half takes a year.”
“We could watch a movie,” Levi said. “I don’t own many Blu-Rays but I have Netflix.”
“This is a nice place,” Eren said ten minutes later flopping down onto Levi’s couch.
“You want anything to drink?” Levi asked from the kitchen.
“What do you have?”
“I have a nice red. No beer. Sorry. And I have tea and…more tea.”
“Red, then.”
Eren finished his first glass and poured another before the opening credits of the film.
“Oh hey, I gotta show you this hat I made for my nephew,” Eren said, pulling it out of his plastic bag, which had seen better days and had a hole in it from where his needles had poked through.
“Holy pom-poms, Batman.”
“It’s gotten to the point where I don’t think that three pom-poms are enough. Feel it, it’s so soft.”
He rubbed it gently against Levi’s cheek.
“It is,” Levi agreed, accidentally dropping a stitch.
Eren spent his third glass not actually knitting, but watching Levi. Levi was battling with either setting down his mittens, giving a big yawn, and putting his arm around Eren or just finishing the fucking mitten so he wouldn’t have to look at the way Eren’s big eyes followed his every movement. He felt something brush his cheek and thought it was the pom-poms again but instead it was Eren’s fingers.
“Sorry, you had a fuzzy in your hair,” Eren said plucking it out, his cheeks flushed and his body relaxed, melting into the cushions.
“Thanks,” Levi said, realizing he’d made a mess of his thumb gusset, but was too embarrassed to fix it with Eren watching.
“Hey Levi,” Eren said, reaching over and pausing the film. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Levi said, shrugging, his heart felt ready to burst out of his chest.
“It’s serious.”
“That’s fine.”
“I wouldn’t even think about asking you, but uh, I really can’t ask my sister. Things are going really great with her and I don’t want to screw things up, but…I, uh, I owe these people, serious people a lot of money and if I don’t pay them back, it’s not going to be too good for me.”
“Oh,” Levi said and as he did so he felt like something inside him wilted. “How much?”
“Seven grand.”
“That’s a lot.”
“It is,” Eren nodded, licking his wine stained lips. “But if I don’t pay it, they’ll start hounding me at my job and I really can’t lose that job. Then they’ll take my car and uh, I’m kind of living out of it right now.”
“I see.”
“And I really would never have asked you if it weren’t serious, but do you think I could borrow just a few thousand to keep them off my back?” Eren started chewing at his thumb nail again.
Levi stared at the mess of stitches on his needles, fully aware of how Eren was looking at him.
“Sure,” Levi said after a very long time, setting down his needles and getting up.
He pulled out his checkbook from the drawer in the kitchen and wrote Eren a check for the full seven thousand.
“Wow, really, thanks man, I really mean it.”
“I, uh,” Levi cleared his throat. “I do have a caveat.”
Eren’s hand stopped halfway to the check.
“Yeah?” he asked nervously, his eyes not leaving the check in Levi’s hands.
“Look, Eren, I really like you but if you take this I don’t think we can see each other anymore.”
“See each other?” Eren repeated, blinking. “Were we seeing each other? I thought we were just hanging out. I mean, you didn’t think the other day was like a date did you?”
“Well if it was, it was a very terrible date,” Levi muttered wryly. “No, I just, I’m giving you this, but I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”
“Why not?” Eren asked, looking hurt.
“I just, I am really trying hard to get better, to put in my dues and make amends and I just don’t think that’s a priority for you. I don’t think you want to get better.”
“I feel like you’re saying it’s you or the money,” Eren said, his green eyes suddenly welling up.
“I want you to take this,” Levi said, pushing the check into Eren’s hands. “But I also don’t think I can be around you anymore.”
He stared at the floor, instead of Eren’s upset face. Eren ripped the check out of his hands, wrinkling it slightly.
“Why not?” Eren asked, raising his voice. “You don’t like me? What, so I don’t make as much as you, do you think I like coming to you and begging you for money? You didn’t have to pay for me that first day you know! Do you think you’re better than me?”
“No,” Levi said quietly, still staring at the floor.
Eren put his palm against the wall, trying to get Levi to look at him.
“I mean, I have always been completely honest with you. I know who I am. I know what I’m about. I don’t lie. You keep coming to group and you never share anything about yourself. You get to sit there and listen to us pour our souls out and inside your head you’re just mocking us and thinking you’re better than us!” Eren’s voice grew louder and louder with each word.
“I don’t think I’m better than you,” Levi said calmly.
“Bullshit!” Eren shouted, striking the wall with his fist.
Levi stared at the hole in the wall as Eren pulled his bloodied hand out slowly, flexing it to see if anything was broken. Without a word, Eren grabbed his things and stormed out, slamming the door so hard, one of the pictures framed on the wall fell off. Levi forced himself over to the door and locked it, leaning against the wood for a good five minutes.
When he finally pulled himself together, he set about getting the plaster for the wall. He sealed up the hole and repainted it and when he was done no one would have been able to tell there had been an incident. He wiped his brow and showered and then it was nearly four AM and he couldn’t sleep so he picked up his mitten and set about fixing the thumb gusset. The clock on the wall beat out in time with his fingers. That's the thing about knitting, is when Levi’s thoughts were tangled up like angry string, he could always pull and straighten them into something more manageable by just clicking away with his needles.
<*>
Dr. Hanji called Levi to inform him that Eren had switched over to the Thursday group so he could still attend on Tuesday if he wanted.
“Thank you for sharing Rico,” Dr. Hanji said on Tuesday.
(Rico Brzenska, mother of three—previously four—Martha Stewart wannabe.)
“Alright so does anyone else have anything they want to add?” Dr. Hanji asked.
“I do,” Levi said quietly and everyone turned and stared at him. “I, uh, wanted to comment on the goals thing that we talked about a few weeks ago.”
“Go ahead,” Dr. Hanji said encouragingly.
“I never really thought of myself as a person with a lot of rage or anger,” Levi said sitting back and frowning, crossing his arms over his chest again. “I mean, I’m not a nice guy, but I never really thought of myself as someone who like burns bright red, you know? My problems always stemmed from my OCD. Like as a little kid, I thought it was normal to flip the toilet seat up and down seven times because there might—might—be a spider on the underside. The problem with working in a hospital like I do is that my rituals weren’t really seen as abnormal. Over ten minutes to scrub your hands? ‘He’s just diligent.’ Except I never did it with the mindset that I was doing my job, I did it thinking, ‘If I don’t do this right, the patient dies’ or ‘I’ll let everyone at my job down’ or ‘I’ll prove everyone right about me.’ And then if someone comes along and talks to me or interrupts me, I have to start from the beginning.
“Of course, when someone dies—and trust me, I’m the best, but someone will die on that table, it’s just how it goes—I take it as a sign that I didn’t complete these rituals of mine properly. And then I get so frustrated at myself. I start ruminating over every single decision that led to that moment and what exact steps I could have taken to prevent it from happening. All of those little choices right down to what knot I used on my shoelaces.
“Long story short: a patient died. A colleague—friend—tried to comfort me and I directed all of that anger and frustration outward. I took a golf club and just fucking wrecked the shit out of his BMW. I should show you all pictures because I did a number on it.”
Levi gave a little laugh and ran his tongue over his teeth before continuing, “The hospital and Erwin decided not to press charges or suspend my medical license as long as I completed this course, so here I am.
“Goals. Right. I feel good, I feel like I’m really taking charge of my mental health. I feel like I’m committed to improving. I mean I’ve come to every group, I’ve learned a lot, and I did what Dr. Hanji suggested and I got a hobby. You all have seen me knitting before class. And I’m not an idiot. I know that no amount of knitting or yoga or kayaking is going to cure my OCD or anger. In fact, the problem with knitting is now I have a whole new set of rituals, where I keep starting over if I notice just one mistake. But at least I’m aware of it now. I’m aware of myself. And I’m aware that directing that anger inside me outward will always cause me to lose. I didn’t have anything against Erwin, I targeted his car simply because he was my friend.
“That’s my goal. Make new friends. Keep those friends. Don’t push them away. Don’t punish them for just trying to be there. Don’t punish myself by telling myself that I don’t deserve to have people in my life. Yeah, that’s it.”
“Thanks for sharing Levi,” Dr. Hanji said softly, pushing their glasses up.
After the last group session, Levi surreptitiously dumped the hat he’d made for Eren into the Lost & Found box.
<*>
The first check came about three months after Levi last saw Eren. It was written for $2500. He deposited it and was pleasantly surprised when it cleared.
The second check came only three and a half weeks after the first and was for the same amount. Levi worried about how Eren had gained that amount so quickly. But it cleared.
The third check never came. Levi never really expected it to.
<*>
Levi had taken to spending half of his lunch out on a bench by the park when it was nice enough. Levi never really liked people. He honestly never really paid much attention to them. They were just background noise, there to annoy him when waiting for his morning tea. Yet now that he knit, he found himself much more aware of the world around him. He could now knit without staring at his hands (something his neck was dearly grateful for) and so he would sit on the bench and watch people going about their business. Now he was fascinated by them. Now it was a spectator sport.
There was a family nearby. A mother and her son and a man who Levi had assumed was the father but as he watched them, he realized he recognized the hat the man was wearing. Levi had made that hat! He tried not to look like he was watching, but the man offered him a shy wave and with a jolt in his stomach Levi realized it was Eren.
Eren ran over with the little boy on his shoulders and Levi felt his whole body seize up, yarn wrapped around his freezing pinky and index finger, blinking like a deer in headlights.
“Hey Levi,” Eren said as the moptop boy on his shoulders laughed merrily. “Armin, this is Levi. Levi this is Armin. Armin, can you say ‘Hello?’”
“Hello, pleased to meet you!” the boy said as Eren pulled him off his shoulders and held him upside-down. His shirt pulled up to reveal a round toddler belly and he squealed in protest.
“Nice to meet you too,” Levi said in surprise. “What good manners you have.”
“Oh yeah, he didn’t talk for two years and then one day he was speaking in full sentences,” Eren grinned, letting Armin’s feet drop and the toddler bounced up and tried to scale Eren’s pants. “How have you been?”
“Good,” Levi said nodding carefully. There was a long uncomfortable pause, “And you?”
“Good. I mean, yeah. Things are good. I get to see this little monster all the time. Right buddy?”
The toddler giggled.
“So…socks?” Eren nodded to the project in Levi’s hands.
“Yes,” Levi said, startled as if noticing them for the first time.
“Uncle Eren,” Armin tugged on his pant leg. “May we please go on the swings? Please?”
“How can I say no to that?” Eren laughed and scooped him up. “It was nice to see you Levi! Say ‘Bye!’ Armin!”
“Bye Levi!” Armin waved over Eren’s shoulder.
<*>
Levi was aware of him earlier the next time. He watched Eren’s approach from the other side of the park with growing apprehension. Eren didn’t say anything, he just plunked himself down on the opposite end of the bench and pulled a ball of yarn out from his oversized coat pocket. He cast-on a few stitches and zipped along. Levi tried to see what he was making out of the corner of his eye but every time he dared look over Eren was looking at the turn of his head with great interest and so he redirected his gaze to his own knitting.
They sat there like that until Levi’s break was over. And when it was Levi packed up his project and just as Eren opened his mouth to say something, Levi turned on the spot and hurried back to the hospital.
<*>
Two days after that Eren was there already and he jumped up when he saw Levi. Levi halted to a stop and looked from the bench to Eren’s face and back to the bench.
“You weren’t here yesterday,” Eren pointed out.
“Yeah, I was in surgery all day.”
“Oh. I thought I scared you off,” Eren joked.
Levi didn’t smile.
“Right,” Eren nodded at the ground. “Look, I know you said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I get that. I just wanted you to know that I’m better now. I quit drinking and it’s been 102 days since I last placed a bet. Fuck, man, Mikasa even made me quit smoking.”
“That’s good. Good for you,” Levi said, nodding.
“And I know this means fuck all to you. You’ve got that look they all get, all my exes and coworkers and family. That ‘once bitten, twice shy’ and ‘fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…’ kind of look. But I, uh, I just wanted you to know that I am. Better, that is. Who know if it’ll stick, but…” Eren shrugged.
Levi nodded carefully.
“And look man, you said you don’t want to see me. I respect that. I just miss you, I guess. I know that’s pathetic because I didn’t really know you that well to begin with, but yeah…” he trailed off.
Eren suddenly adopted a more cocksure manner, “Also, I figure I owe you for that really terrible date I took you on, so if you’d like I want to—“
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Oh, okay, I mean, yeah that’s cool too,” Eren backpedaled quickly, rubbing at his nose. Then a pause. “Is it the money? Because I have every intention of paying you back—“
“No.”
“I—it’s—I know it’s hard to believe because I’m such a prince, but uh, I don’t have a lot of people in my life. I’ve burned a lot of bridges over the years and I could really use a friend and I really enjoyed your comp—“
“Okay.”
Eren looked up, bottom eyelashes slightly damp.
“Okay?”
“Friends. I’d like that,” Levi said, his heart beating quickly.
“Friends,” Eren repeated like the word was spun sugar on his tongue. “Well, alright then.”
They stood there in the early fall facing each other, an encounter of two old but recently made new bodies. Two strangers trying to navigate through a tangled mess of past bad choices meeting in the middle.
“Do you want to get coffee? As friends,” Eren clarified. “I’ve got enough to cover my cup this time.”
Levi nodded and they walked side by side, hands in pockets, over the grass to the street corner.
“I have a confession to make,” Eren said, halting as their feet found the sidewalk.
“What’s that?” Levi asked flinchingly, waiting for the worst, waiting for confirmation that every decision he made was the wrong one.
“I, uh, I have been dabbling in…” he leaned over and said in a low conspiratorial whisper. “Crochet.”
Levi leaned away, putting a hand over his heart.
“I know,” Eren sighed. “But I made the cutest amigurumi Iron Man toy for my nephew. And hey, maybe we can be friends outside of knitting. You like football?”
“No. I hate it.”
“Same. We’ll find something.”
Eren thumped the walk sign with his mitten-clad hand and Levi had a moment to appreciate the multi-colored fuzzy v’s that made up his Fair Isle pattern. Several others stepped up to wait for the light and they stood there in the crowd waiting for the light, pressed against each other, the backs of their hands touching. Eren’s thumb brushed over the back of Levi’s hand gently, before he slipped his hands back into his coat pockets.
See, sometimes hands can break, sometimes they can create and then sometimes they can hold. Levi wasn't about to take Eren's hand. Not yet. Not now. Maybe not ever. But it was nice knowing it was there. Just in case.