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Chapter Text

Scene - Parks and Recreation Office

Everyone is sitting at their respective desks. Ron is carving a wooden sculpture, April is sitting on Andy’s lap, making out with him, Tom and Donna are tweeting at their respective stations, Jerry is working diligently, Ann and Chris are sitting at another table discussing the artificial insemination process. Leslie and Ben enter.

LESLIE: Okay everybody, listen up! Very important announcement! Jerry, listen up!

JERRY: I wasn’t doing anything.

LESLIE: I could feel you not listening, Jerry. Don’t try to cover up.

Camera briefly pans to Jerry, who shrugs and nods.

APRIL: Will this announcement take up more than 3 more seconds of our time?

LESLIE: April, as much as I love your candour and devil may care attitude, you can be assured that the news I am about to deliver will be the greatest news since the announcement of Li’l Sebastian’s birth.

Camera briefly pans to Ben, who looks at the camera, confused.

RON: Just make the damn announcement, woman!

LESLIE: Okay! (Takes a breath) Long story short, we’re going to New York!

Most people react with joy, especially Tom and Donna. Ron is expressionless. April looks slightly annoyed.

TOM: You mean THE New York!

LESLIE: Yes! So, as you know, as a city councilwoman, my main project has been the development of the Pawnee Commons. Turns out, the fundraiser gala we held before Ben and my wedding, which was the greatest day of my life, was live streamed on social media by somebody, I have no clue who.

Camera pans to Donna, who gives a knowing nod.

LESLIE: And people are very impressed that we managed to raise so much money in such a short span of time. So we have been contacted, as the organisers of this event, to hold a live TV session on the importance of parks for the local community in Studio 6H at 30 Rockefeller Plaza!

The few people in the room applaud, except April and Ron.

*Interview Segment – LESLIE*

LESLIE: This may just be the greatest thing that has ever happened to anybody, ever! I am already SO prepared for this! I’ve already prepared a 206-page speech along with answers to every potential question!

Leslie excitedly takes out large script of paper, opens to first page.

LESLIE: Aaaand somebody’s drawn a penis on the front page.

Leslie then shows the image to the camera, a solemn look in her eyes. The camera pans to April, who is holding a marker and glaring threateningly at the camera.

THEME SONG

Scene - 30 Rockefeller Exterior

The parks department is entering the building, Leslie at the front, leading them. Tom and Donna look completely enamoured by everything around them. The others look somewhat annoyed, they clearly haven’t gotten much sleep.

LESLIE: Okay everybody, get ready for the greatest day of your lives!

JERRY: Could we at least stop for breakfast? Our taping doesn’t start in another 4 hours.

LESLIE: Dammit Jerry, you just couldn’t wake up in time for your breakfast, could you!

Camera zooms in on Jerry, who looks solemn. All the others criticise Jerry’s desire for breakfast in unison.

CHRIS: As much as we all collectively do not approve of Jerry’s desires, I have too been wondering why my early morning jog was interrupted today.

LESLIE: That is exactly what I aim to address, Chris. I brought you all here this early because (takes dramatic pause) I got us all tickets to see a live taping of TGS directly before our filming session!

Nobody seems to understand what she is talking about. Chris smiles widely, though it seems a rather absent-minded smile.

LESLIE: Oh, come on! TGS? The sketch show? Ann, Ben, I’ve mentioned it to you so many times!

Ann and Ben look utterly confused.

*Interview Segment - ANN and BEN*

ANN: The thing about being really close to Leslie is that it’s sometimes hard to keep track of everything she’s a fan of.

BEN: Its yet another reason in the incredibly long list of reasons for everyone to feel inferior to her in terms of caring. (Very exasperated) She keeps a notebook with one section for everyone she knows so that she can list down their interests as soon as they mention one to her.

ANN: It’s so that she can give better gifts. My section needed a whole notebook for it eventually. Then she gave me a gift to celebrate that. Now she gives me a gift on that date every year to celebrate ‘Notebook Day’.

Both of them look into the camera, utterly exasperated.

*Interview Segment Ends*

LESLIE: Well, regardless of whether or not any of you know what it is, you’re gonna see it right now, so everyone pretend that you’re a diehard fan of it cause we can’t have Jenna Maroney and Tracy Jordan thinking that we don’t know who they are!

TOM: Who are they, now?

LESLIE: (In one breath) The stars of the show. As of this moment, everybody here is their biggest fan ever!

Tom gleefully smiles at the camera.

*Interview Segment – TOM*

TOM: I was already excited for everything I could get to do here. But now, it just gets better. It’s always been on my bucket list to date a TV chick, and there’s no way she’ll be able to resist my Tommy swag!

Scene - 30 Rockefeller Interior

Liz Lemon is preparing for the arrival of the studio audience, doing her rounds in order to make sure the cast and crew are prepared to begin filming. She is passing by Jenna’s dressing room and is interrupted by a voice.

JENNA: (Emerging from her dressing room in a cowgirl costume, her hair in pigtails) Liz! You’ll never believe what they’ve been saying about me in the press!

LIZ: Oh wha-

Jenna flashes magazine in her face. The cover shows Jenna engaged in a rather public display of affection with a man in blackface. The title reads “Tall, Dark and Handsome: A very racist history of Jenna Maroney’s lovers.”

JENNA: Are they trying to suggest that I am racist? How dare they! Liz, you know me. Have I ever cared about anything other than the heart?

LIZ: Well…

JENNA: This magazine article is going to tarnish my public image! I could end up just as irrelevant as Jamie Lee Curtis at this rate! Liz, I need help, what do I do?

LIZ: Well Jenna, I don’t know. I mean… I kinda agree with it.

JENNA: What! Liz, he is a black man! How can they possibly suggest that my dating him is racist!

LIZ: Jenna, he’s a minstrel in blackface!

JENNA: What? How could I have not seen that, I wasn’t even drunk!

Flashback to Jenna and the minstrel making out. All seems well, she bends down as if to undo his trousers. The camera remains focused on the minstrel’s face. A vomiting sound is heard. The minstrel looks disgusted.

JENNA: I need to think of something to fix my public image! (very loudly) I need to date a dark-skinned man immediately or my career is over!

Grizz and Dot Com overhear and glare at her, confused. There is a silence.

JENNA: That’s not what I meant! What sort of perfume do black men like? Ebony?

Liz looks exasperated. Tracy emerges in a spaceman costume.

TRACY: Do I hear racism? The struggles black people go through to make it in the entertainment industry.

JENNA: Tracy. How typical! You know nothing about what a blonde white woman in the industry has to go through to prove that she isn’t racist!

Liz looks into the camera, extremely stressed.

*Interview Segment – LIZ*

Tracy and Jenna are arguing in the background, though what they’re saying cannot be heard due to the distance between themselves and the camera.

LIZ: True, my job can be stressful a lot of the time, but that doesn’t mean it comes without its rewards! I get… some… money. I get to… wear closed toed shoes all hours of the day. I…

Liz is opening her mouth as if to speak but cannot think of anything.

Scene - 30 Rockefeller Studio

The parks department have taken their seats in the studio. The camera zooms in to focus on April and Andy. April looks disgruntled.

ANDY: What’s wrong babe?

APRIL: This is really stupid and boring. I hate sketch shows.

ANDY: Aw it’s okay babe, I think it’s great that we get to learn so much about art.

APRIL: What?

ANDY: (Very matter-of-factly) Well, it’s a sketch show. So, I’m really excited to see what different sketches they teach us about.

April glares at camera. There is a cut. The camera is now focusing on Ron, who is sitting next to Chris. Chris is speaking to Ron enthusiastically, though Ron is looking straight ahead, not making eye contact.

CHRIS: This is… literally… the greatest day of my life. Despite missing my jog, I get… a whole vacation with my dearest friends and coworkers, and… an opportunity for Ann and me to unwind and discuss artificial insemination at our own pace!

RON: I don’t want to hear about your semen.

CHRIS: Understood.

Another cut. The camera is now focusing on Donna and Tom.

DONNA: A whole city full of Treat Yo’ Self opportunities, and we came here early just to see this?

TOM: I know. But, at least we get to look for hot TV people we can date.

DONNA: All I’ve seen so far is a bunch of production losers, none of whom I would allow inside my Benz.

Camera pans over to a group of staff members chatting in the corner, including Lutz, Pete, Twofer and Frank.

TOM: Well, I don’t know about you, but Tommy’s got a plan to date a hot actress!

DONNA: Sick.

Camera cuts over to Leslie and Ben

LESLIE: I’m so excited! Do you think this TV broadcast will make us both known as America’s hottest power couple?

BEN: (Laughs) It’s not like we have an equal part in this. This is your moment, Leslie.

LESLIE: (Smiles warmly) Good thing too. If it’d been you up there, you’d start rambling about all your gay thoughts.

BEN: (Blushes) Hey, that was a really nerve wracking experience!

Leslie giggles, her and Ben share a brief kiss. Liz Lemon enters.

LIZ: Alright everyone, it’s time to begin filming! Audience, we hope you’re sitting comfortably. Please switch off all electronic devices… unless anyone’s got an electronic massager, then I’ll be taking that!

Liz laughs at her own joke. Nobody else finds it funny or reacts in the slightest. Camera pans to April, who looks utterly disgusted. Camera pans back to Liz, who slowly and awkwardly stops laughing.

LIZ: Enjoy.

Liz walks off hurriedly. Cameraman calls “Action”. Jenna enters in her cowgirl outfit.

JENNA: (In a very poor southern accent) Oh golly, the chickens had loads of eggs to give us today! I’d better tell pa we gon’ have a rip snortin’ good dinner tonight!

Jenna continues her monologue in her very exaggerated accent, camera cuts over to Lutz, who is eating off the nearby refreshment table. He has, by now, completely exhausted it of all its refreshments. He thus feels underneath the tablecloth and pulls something out. It is a transparent bag full of a powdery substance resembling a drug or a toxic substance. He stares at it, a look of horror on his face. It then slips out of his grasp and falls, the bag opening and scattering the substance all over the floor. Jenna’s speech is interrupted. Everybody looks over at Lutz for a moment before realising what is scattered over the floor. Panic arises, the audience members, including several of the parks department, begin screaming and scrambling to get out of their seats. Andy in particular falls over a row of chairs in his scramble. Jenna seems to not notice anything and continues delivering her monologue. Liz makes a futile attempt to diffuse the situation.

LIZ: Nobody panic!

Nobody listens, Liz looks overwhelmed. Cut.

Chapter Text

Scene - 30 Rockefeller Studio

The studio is now devoid of an audience. Liz and all the crew members are all still present. Jack is now present as well. There are police officers putting police tape around the bag, still lying on the same spot on the floor. The studio has turned into an investigation ground for the police. Liz looks more stressed than before.

LIZ: Jack! What do we do! They have discovered a potentially illegal substance in our studio! Oh my God! This is just like those movies! It all starts with a suspicious substance being found, and slowly everyone starts growing scales and turning into zombies!

Liz starts hyperventilating.

JACK: Calm down Lemon, you’ll embarrass us in front of the police. They’re a valuable audience to have.

LIZ: Oh. that’s just like you! We’re in mortal danger here and you only care about your audiences! It’s all Lutz’s fault! He just had to do drugs in the studio!

LUTZ: But I didn’t do it!

LIZ: All the evidence points to you, Lutz! Soon you’ll be behind bars… and don’t think I’ll lie to the court under oath!

Lutz looks genuinely terrified.

JACK: Lemon, we’ve got to try to resolve this issue as quickly as possible. So please, don’t act like this when being questioned by the police.

Liz looks as though she is about to say something in retaliation. However, she is interrupted by a voice. Behind her is the captain of the 99^thprecinct, Captain Raymond Holt.

HOLT: Excuse me.

JACK: Yes, officer?

HOLT: We greatly apologise for any inconvenience we’re causing as a result of this investigation. We do hope you understand that it is necessary. When an illegal substance is found in an area with such a large number of people, large scale investigations have to be carried out. We trust you have instructed all audience members to remain on the building premises for questioning?

LIZ: Yes officer. One question, what is the likelihood of that substance turning us into zombi-

JACK: That’s enough, Lemon. Yes officer, they’re in the nearby office.

HOLT: (Still looking confusedly at Liz) Thank you. Due to the large number of witnesses and suspects, we’ve had to bring in the whole precinct. I trust that won’t be too much of an inconvenience?

JACK: Not at all.

HOLT: I shall carry out your questioning and send my precinct to question the staff and audience.

*Interview Segment – JACK*

JACK: In all my years, I have learned that the best way to handle an inconvenient situation is with tact and poise. With those two qualities, the situation is bound to come to an end quickly.

As he is speaking, the camera strays from Jack and goes on to focus on Liz in the background, who is hysterically hollering at Captain Holt.

LIZ: Save us from the zombies!

The camera goes back to focus on Jack, who rolls his eyes and looks disappointed.

Scene - 30 Rockefeller Office

The audience is all gathered in the now very crowded office, seated. They are all conversing with one another and discussing the situation. Leslie looks extremely worried.

LESLIE: Ben! This could ruin everything! Filming for our segment is supposed to start in another hour! We’re not gonna get to do it! That’s just it then. Pawnee is doomed. We’re never gonna be America’s hottest power couple.

BEN: (Taking Leslie by the shoulders) Leslie, it’s alright! It’s an emergency situation, surely anyone else using the studio will understand. It’ll just be postponed, that’s all.

Ben is interrupted by Liz’s arrival.

LIZ: Alright, listen up everybody! I’ve got good news and bad news! The good news is… we’ve ordered refreshments, they should be along in about 15 minutes.

Camera cuts over to Andy, who looks excited.

LIZ: The bad news is… we’re all being kept in for police questioning.

Groans of annoyance fill the room. Ben looks mortified. Andy, however, looks as though he may potentially explode with excitement. Camera pans over to Leslie, who looks very worried and exasperated. Liz looks dismayed and turns to leave but is interrupted.

LESLIE: Excuse me!

Leslie clumsily stumbles over to the front of the room where Liz is standing.

LESLIE: Hi, I was just wondering, how long do you think it’ll take for the police to question every single person here? About 5 minutes?

LIZ: At the very least a few hours, ma’am. Sorry.

LESLIE: Oh. See, you don’t understand. My department and I have a segment that were supposed to be filming directly after the taping of TGS. So, do you suppose you could maybe ask the cops to postpone their investigation to after we’re done?

LIZ: (Perplexed by Leslie’s behaviour) Somehow, I don’t think that’ll be possible.

Jenna walks into the room, still in her costume.

JENNA: Liz! How long is this going to take! I had these pigtails hairsprayed for 6 hours straight using 11 cans!

LESLIE: (Looking starstruck) Oh my god! You… you… you’re Jen… Jenna Maroney!

Leslie starts cackling insanely, as she often does when nervous or excited. Across the room, Tom spots Jenna. He turns over to Donna.

TOM: Bingo! That’s what I’m talking about! Prepare to witness the Tommy swag in action!

DONNA: Aye-aye cap’n!

Tom walks over to where Leslie, Liz and Jenna are standing. Leslie stops cackling as he approaches.

TOM: (To Jenna) Oh hello there! And what might the star of the show be doing amongst these… lowly commoners?

Jenna has a glint in her eye, thrilled that a darker skinned gentleman has initiated flirtation with her.

JENNA: Oh! Well, you know. As an actress, it can be so hard to keep in touch with reality. So, to remain down to earth, well, one must expose themselves to the lower section of society!

Camera briefly pans over to Donna, who is now texting on her phone with a diamond encrusted case.

TOM: And might I interest the lady in some humble refreshments from the… humble vending machine?

JENNA: (Giggles gleefully) Oh, of course!

Tom and Jenna leave the room, arm in arm. Liz and Leslie both look extremely confused.

LESLIE: (In a very low voice) What just happened there?

LIZ: I think they just went for a romantic stroll to the vending machine.

Liz and Leslie both laugh. The camera cuts over to Andy and April.

ANDY: Babe! Real life New York City cops! This is a dream come true! I wonder if they’ll end up shooting any of us cause that’d be awesome!

APRIL: Wow babe, I’m so glad you got over being rejected by the police force back home.

Andy suddenly looks solemn, April immediately regrets what she said and puts her arm around Andy, beginning to comfort him about his rejection yet again. The camera then cuts over to Leslie and Liz, who are now sitting back with Ben and having a conversation. Ben is evidently third wheeling.

LIZ: -and they always just expect me to manage all these employees myself! Jenna and Tracy’s tantrums, all the crew’s laziness and lack of hygiene, everything!

Ben looks into the camera.

LESLIE: Wow, that sounds really hard. I’m in city council and I get how you feel, but I’m usually able to manage the important stuff.

LIZ: How do you get over everyone constantly being in your way?

LESLIE: Well, it’s not actually that hard. First you just have to-

Leslie is cut off by the door opening loudly, as if somebody kicked it open in order to make a dramatic entrance. The whole room falls silent. Jake Peralta is standing in the doorway, grinning.

JAKE: (Dramatically) Alright! Time to catch some dirty criminals!

The camera lingers on him for a second. However, his dramatic moment is short lived as Charles Boyle’s voice is heard from behind him.

BOYLE: Did you want any ice with that, Jake?

JAKE: God, not now!

Cut. Screen goes black.

Chapter Text

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Office

The scene picks up moments after the previous one ended. The audience remains silent as Jake paces around the room, a smirk on his face, his hands on his hips. He speaks in a loud, booming, confident voice, thoroughly enjoying his moment of intimidating the populace of the room. The other members of the 99^thprecinct (with the exception of Holt) are standing by the door, waiting for Jake to finish his speech. All of them are quite expressionless except for Boyle, who is highly impressed.

JAKE: So! Possibly, somebody in this room is a criminal! A felon! A lawbreaker! Why do people turn to such a life? I can only guess!

As he speaks, the camera cuts over to several seated characters. Ben is sitting stiffly in his chair, his eyes full of terror. Ron is staring at Jake, clearly judging him for his overdramatic behaviour. Andy seems utterly enamoured by Jake, staring at him as though he is the single most beautiful, godlike person on the planet.

JAKE: As of this moment… you are all under oath! Any lies will be detected! Any intimidating or incompliant behaviour will be reported! And any-

He is interrupted by Rosa Diaz, who has lost her patience by now.

ROSA: (Monotone) We’re gonna question all of you. If you lie about anything, we’ll arrest you. Now let’s get on with it.

Each member of the precinct makes a beeline towards a certain section of the room.

JAKE: (Under his breath) Not the way I would’ve said it, but alright.

Scene – Jack’s Office

Jack is sitting at his desk, Holt sitting opposite him with a notepad.

HOLT: So, you were absent at the time of the discovery?

JACK: Yes, I’m not always present during tapings.

HOLT: Have you noticed any potentially suspicious or abnormal behaviour from any of the staff members around here?

JACK: There’s always abnormal behaviour around here, but not the type that’s caused by drugs.

Holt is somewhat taken aback by Jack’s comment.

HOLT: Could you possibly elaborate on that statement?

JACK: Oh, it’s alright, I doubt you want me to.

HOLT: As Captain, I am required to have a detailed account of everything relevant to the case.

JACK: Alright then, we’ll start with Lemon…

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

A montage scene with cheesy romantic music, Tom and Jenna roam the hallways together, laughing. They are then skipping, hand in hand, as everyone else stares at them. They are then by the vending machine, Jenna holding a chocolate bar, yet not eating it, as Tom rambles on. Montage ends.

TOM: And then I told her… sorry babe, Tommy gotta save his swag for a special girl!

Jenna Laughs extremely artificially, obviously feigning interest in him due to his skin colour.

TOM: And that brings me to the story of how my boss’s wife cheated on him with me!

Tom continues rambling on. Behind him, however, Jenna spots Sergeant Terry Jeffords entering the office where the audience is being interviewed. She is obviously highly aroused; her eyes linger on him as he enters the room. She is evidently beginning to reconsider her choice of dark skinned man.

*Interview Segment – JENNA*

JENNA: I’m starting to think I should’ve considered my options. Curse my blindingly blonde beauty that draws everybody towards me!

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Office

Establishing shot of audience members around the room being interviewed by various officers. Camera then pans to focus on Leslie, Liz and Ben; who are not yet being questioned. Ben still looks horrified, Leslie is attempting to console him.

LESLIE: Ben, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything, they’re not gonna arrest you. And you’ll be glad to know I never dated any of these cops, so none of them are gonna handcuff you to a urinal.

Liz looks at Leslie, confused.

LESLIE: Oh, I’ll explain later.

LIZ: (Nods) Yeah, I’d love to hear about that.

BEN: (Whispered with a sense of urgency) Leslie, these are New York cops! (Enunciating more) New York Cops! They might just shoot us if we make any sudden movements!

LESLIE: (To herself in a low voice) We need to stop watching those crime dramas on TV.

Jake and Amy Santiago approach the trio.

JAKE: Alright, let’s start this. Time for everyone to spill their guts!

BEN: (Trying to mimic a familiar tone) Yeah bud, let’s do this! Not that we’ve got any guts to spill. Cause… we’re all innocent. And I’m not saying that cause we’re guilty and I’m just trying to throw you off our trail…

Jake and Amy look very perplexed.

LESLIE: Sorry, he gets a little jittery around cops.

AMY: Oh, that’s alright. Why don’t I take these ones, babe?

JAKE: Sure, I’ll take those two.

Camera pans to April and Andy. The latter is still staring at Jake with adoration.

JAKE: That dude’s been staring at me since I came in here, I feel like I owe him this.

Jake walks away. Amy takes a seat.

AMY: Alright. (In a very perky voice) Hello everyone! I am Detective Amy Santiago! I’m just here to ask all of you a few basic questions about the events of today. (Looking at Ben) Don’t worry sir, this is standard protocol for such a situation, all civilian witnesses will be dismissed in a very short amount of time.

Ben still looks very intimidated by Amy. Amy smiles at him and takes her binder out of her backpack. Leslie stares wide eyed at the binder and then looks at Amy as though she has fallen in love with her.

LESLIE: Um… pardon me officer but… where did you get that binder?

AMY: The Brooklyn Binder Emporium. That’s where I get all my stationary from.

LESLIE: (In a very low, breathy voice, as if possessed) I’ve always wanted to go there! It’s been a dream of mine to buy a binder from there ever since I was a kid!

Amy seems a bit creeped out. Yet, she seems to feel somewhat affectionate towards Leslie. She smiles at her. Camera cuts over to Ron Swanson, who is being questioned by Terry Jeffords.

TERRY: Alright sir, your name?

RON: Ronald Ulysses Swanson.

TERRY: And your address?

Ron’s suspicions are raised.

RON: Why?

TERRY: In case we need to contact witnesses again at any point during the investigation, addresses are taken as standard protocol, sir.

Ron flashes Terry a death glare. Cut to April and Andy, who are now being interviewed by Jake., Jake is writing on his notepad, he has not begun interviewing them yet.

ANDY: (Excited) So do New York cops really get involved in car chases every day? Oh! Do you get to jump off buildings? How many gunfights do you get into in a week?

JAKE: Well buddy, my life isn’t “Die Hard” but it has its moments.

ANDY: (Gasps) I love Die Hard! It’s one of my favourite movies!

Andy and Jake stare at each other, utterly enthralled by one another. April stares into the camera.

*Interview Segment – APRIL*

APRIL: If Andy cheated on me with this guy… I wouldn’t mind. This is the best he’s felt since he got rejected by the Pawnee police. And at least this guy’s not Ann.

*Interview Segment Ends*

The camera is now focused on Ann, being interviewed by Boyle.

ANN: I didn’t see anything. My group and I had just arrived when the bag was discovered.

BOYLE: Alright. Who’re you with?

ANN: My best friend, my colleagues, one girl who hates me and one guy I’m trying to get sperm from.

Boyle looks at Ann, confused. Ann immediately regrets what she said and looks embarrassed. However, Boyle smiles.

BOYLE: (Grinning widely) Oh, don’t be embarrassed. My ex-wife stole all my sperm from me.

Ann nods, looking both confused and fascinated. The camera cuts over to April again, who is now sitting alone as Andy and Jake are nowhere to be seen. Rosa approaches her and sits on the empty seat in front of her without making eye contact. She wordlessly takes out her notepad.

ROSA: Did you see anything suspicious?

APRIL: No.

ROSA: Okay.

Rosa writes on her notepad. April is evidently impressed by her noncommunicative nature and stares at her writing, her lips curving into a slight smile.

APRIL: So, you’re a cop?

ROSA: Yeah.

APRIL: Cool.

April takes out her phone and begins texting as Rosa continues writing. Both of them enjoy the silence. Cut to Chris and Donna, who are being questioned by Jake, who has Andy (Under the guise of Burt Macklin, evident in his now wearing sunglasses) in tow. Donna is still texting, with Chris doing all the talking.

JAKE: So, none of you saw anything out of the ordinary?

CHRIS: (Smiling as he always does) No. But, to be fair, officer, we don’t exactly know what the ordinary is around here.

ANDY: Ah! But could he be saying this to feign innocence! (Smugly) Nothing slips past Burt Macklin!

Chris and Donna look confused. Cut to Jerry, who is suitably grouped up with Hitchcock and Scully. Neither of the cops say anything. Scully and Hitchcock are simply slumped back on their chairs. Jerry looks confused.

JERRY: (Hesitant) So… shouldn’t I be being interviewed now?

HITCHCOCK: I dunno, what do you think, Scully?

SCULLY: Nah, I think we’re good. Plus, if we finish with you, we’ll have to get out of these chairs.

HITCHCOCK: Yeah, and you can never pass up a good chair.

Jerry now smiles, suddenly feeling comfortable around them.

JERRY: Aw jeez, the chair quality over here is the best!

SCULLY: Tell me about it! Hitchcock and I wanna start a petition to get better quality chairs at work!

HITCHCOCK: Yeah, massage chairs, specifically!

Jerry looks into the camera excitedly.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

Various shots of Ron roaming the halls of 30 Rockefeller, looking at all the surrounding people with the utmost disdain.

*Interview Segment – RON*

RON: As my questioning is over, I assumed it was alright to leave the building. However, I was stopped at the exit by a police officer informing me that nobody is allowed to leave the building until all witnesses have been dismissed. (Solemnly) And I thought America was a free country. So naturally, I decided to look for a quiet spot in the building.

*Interview Segment Ends*

Scene – Jack’s Office

JACK: And on top of everything… she’s always coming to me for mentorship! I sometimes worry… were something to happen to me… would Liz Lemon survive?

Holt seems slightly interested in Jack’s ramblings at this point, though he remains conscious of the need to continue questioning him. The door opens, Ron Swanson is standing there.

RON: (Nods his head at them) Gentlemen. Do the two of you mind if I sit here? This appears to be the most silent spot in the building.

JACK: Absolutely, take a seat.

HOLT: As long as you don’t disrupt the questioning.

RON: (Smiles) Don’t worry, officer. I greatly value silence.

Chapter Text

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

Establishing shots of Tom and Jenna flirting and laughing artificially. Cut to shot of Tom entering the office where interrogations are happening, winking at Jenna before he closes the door. Jenna waves, smiling. Once the door closes, she sighs in relief.

*Interview Segment – JENNA*

JENNA: (Ecstatic) He’s finally gone, whatever his name is. That gives me time to talk to that sexy black cop! I just saw him entering Tracy’s dressing room. And for the record, I’m very offended that no cops have come to question me yet!

*Interview Segment Ends*

Jenna fixes her hair, her pigtails now undone. She is about to enter Tracy’s dressing room. However, she is startled by Kenneth Parcell exiting said room.

KENNETH: (Smiling and talking perkily all the while) Oh, hello Miss Maroney! I’m afraid Mr Jordan is doing something rather important right now! I wouldn’t recommend going in there!

JENNA: (Smiling) Oh Kenneth, (Suddenly no longer smiling) that’s exactly why I’m here! Out of my way!

She shoves past him, he continues smiling despite her behaviour.

Scene – Tracy’s Dressing Room

Jenna enters, not bothering to look at what or who is in the room before she speaks. She closes her eyes and adopts a ‘sexy’ pose.

JENNA: Why, hello there, sexy!

Jenna opens her eyes and screams. The camera then cuts to Tracy, alone on the sofa, wearing a button-down shirt with several buttons undone and boxers, a video game controller in his hands. He is staring at her, utterly perplexed and disgusted.

JENNA: What are you doing here!?

TRACY: This is my dressing room! And what are you doing here? Continuing your racist search?

JENNA: (Gasps) How dare you continue suggesting that I’m racist!? There is nothing racist about my searching for a black man to fix my public image!

TRACY: Exactly like white people to treat all black people like tools! This is like slavery all over again!

JENNA: (Offended) I don’t have time for this! I’ve gotta go find that cop!

Jenna turns on her heel and leaves the room, Tracy shouting at her as she leaves.

TRACY: So that you can force him into slavery!?

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

Jenna is storming off angrily, ignoring the nearby smiling Kenneth as she does so.

KENNETH: Oh! Hello again, Miss Maro-

Kenneth looks into the camera and smiles.

*Interview Segment – KENNETH*

KENNETH: (Naïvely) I’d heard rumours among the staff that Miss Maroney was looking for a certain black man to date, but I had no idea it was Mr Jordan! (Dreamily, looking upwards) Ah, I do love watching love blossom!

A woman is seen approaching behind Kenneth. She then calls out to him, interrupting his daydream and ending his interview segment. The woman is Gina Linetti.

GINA: Excuse me, guy in hideous uniform!

*Interview Segment Ends*

Kenneth turns around to face her. He is still smiling.

KENNETH: Yes, ma’am?

GINA: Yeah, I’m sure you saw a couple cops come in here recently, all of them collectively about 6.3% as attractive as I am. Where’d they go?

KENNETH: (Gesturing at door to office) There, ma’am!

GINA: (Turning to enter office) Alright, thanks. I’ll be sure to get you a better uniform when I become star of the show!

Kenneth remains smiling, though he looks slightly confused.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Office

Establishing shots. There has been a slight change in the arrangement of people in the room. It appears that most of the questioning has finished at this point. However, the precinct is now engaged in personal chatter with the parks department. Andy has taken to questioning random audience members, all of them looking very confused. Chris and Donna are now alone, as are April and Ann. Terry is now interrogating Tom. Jake and Amy are now engaged in friendly conversation with Leslie and Ben. Liz is sitting with them despite not directly taking part in the conversation. Boyle and Rosa are not present as they have gone to investigate in the studio. The camera cuts to focus on Leslie and company.

LESLIE: -I wrote a 70-page draft for my wedding vows, but I didn’t get to say all of it, cause we ended up having an impromptu wedding!

JAKE: That’s so cool! I’d love to have a surprise impromptu wedding! As long as its ‘Die Hard’ themed and I have to battle bad guys on my way to the altar.

AMY: (Not sounding thrilled) And I’ll have to dress up as Holly?

JAKE: Of course not, babe.

Amy looks relieved.

JAKE: Just the wig‘ll be good enough.

Amy looks dismayed.

BEN: You know, I’ve always wanted to throw a Game of Thrones themed party, but Leslie’s never been fully on board with the idea. I for one think she’d make a fantastic Daene-

LESLIE: (Cheerfully) It’s a terrible idea, Ben! But Amy, seriously, you’ve got to take me to the binder place soon!

AMY: Yes! I’ve gotta show you all the best quality ones. Some have better hold while some have better capacity. (Very seriously) And you know, you’ve always got to find a good balance between the two.

LESLIE: I know! It’s so hard to find the perfect binder!

Leslie and Amy continue their conversation about binders. Ben and Jake look at each other confusedly.

LIZ: (Very impressed by Leslie and Amy) Woah, you guys are really organised! (Jokingly) Maybe you could help me manage my staff!

Leslie and Amy take it seriously.

AMY: Sure, Liz!

LESLIE: Absolutely! After hearing everything you go through on a daily basis, not helping would be a gross injustice. Just like this one time very recently, when I heard that they were gonna close the Pawnee Video Dome, a place of great cultural impact in the town, I had to fight to keep it open! (No longer cheerful) Of course… then I got it converted into a porn store.

Leslie realises what she just said and looks solemn and embarrassed. Everybody else looks very confused. Ben looks into the camera. Cut to the main door. Gina enters dramatically.

GINA: I have arrived!

The whole room stops dead in its tracks and everybody turns to face Gina, the officers looking surprised and the parks department/audience members looking perplexed.

AMY: Gina! What are you doing here?

GINA: Funny you should ask that, Miss Hair-Pulled-Back. I was happily tweeting away at my desk, blessing the world with my unparalleled wisdom, when I hear from the staff that the new crime scene is in a TV studio: important information that was intentionally withheld from me! That’s when I decided that I needed to be here to grace the TV world with my presence, or I would be doing the world a terrible injustice!

Gina continues rambling. The camera then cuts to focus on Liz’s face. She is staring at Gina, looking extremely worried.

LIZ: (Under her breath) I can’t let Jenna see her, or they’ll kill each other!

Liz abruptly gets up and runs towards the exit, leaving nearly everyone looking after her, perplexed.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

Various shots of Liz frantically searching various places in the building for Jenna, with no luck. She trips over multiple things and bumps into several people along the way.

*Interview Segment – LIZ*

LIZ: I don’t know who that woman is, but if Jenna hears what she’s saying, there will be a death here today! And it won’t be a result of Lutz’s zombie powder of death!

Scene – Jack’s Office

Jack, Holt and Ron are now deeply engaged in conversation about their lives. Jack and Ron are sipping on whiskey whilst Holt refuses to drink on the job.

HOLT: My husband and I often have long periods of time apart due to our respective professions. Sometimes, I wish we could get more time together. Though otherwise, I am perfectly contented with our relationship.

RON: It must be a magnificent feeling to have your first marriage work out that well. My two ex-wives are, to put it simply, the two worst people on Earth. Of course, currently, I’m very happy with Diane, though her children could possibly be a little quieter.

HOLT: Sorry about your ex-wives. I’ve been lucky enough to have had most of my relationships end on quite good terms. Except for one… (Slowly) Frederick.

Looking at Ron, his face suddenly has an expression of shock on it, having noticed the resemblance between him and Frederick. Ron looks back at him, confused.

RON: (Very confused)I’m sorry to hear about Frederi-

He is cut off by Liz entering the room, speaking hysterically.

LIZ: Jack! I need help! Where’s Jenna!

JACK: Lemon, can you not see I’m busy?

Liz is utterly taken aback by the sight she sees.

JACK: (Looking at Ron and Holt) See what I mean? Constant need for mentorship!

Liz looks dumbfounded and offended.

LIZ: Jack… I thought the Captain was supposed to be interrogating you, not drinking with you! (Gesturing at Ron) And who is this?

JACK: Lemon, kindly leave us in peace.

Liz looks even more perplexed. She shakes her head, exasperated, and then leaves the room.

RON: (As if he just saw a ghost) She looks like my second ex-wife.

He takes a large sip of whiskey.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Studio

Boyle and Rosa are investigating the main scene of the discovery. They have a chemical analyst with them.

ANALYST: This substance is nothing like I’ve ever seen before, officers. I’ve been called to many a drug case before, (Casually) and also, I did hardcore drugs in college.

Rosa looks into the camera.

ANALYST: This is cocaine mixed with chemical fertiliser and laundry detergent.

ROSA: Why the hell would anybody mix those things together?

ANALYST: (Smirking) I can venture a few guesses. Also, are you single?

ROSA: (Disgusted) Gross.

BOYLE: (Trying to diffuse the tension) Alright, that’s quite enough. Thank you very much for coming in!

ANALYST: (Shrugging at Rosa’s rejection) No problem. Also, could I have some of that stuff off the floor? Just for analytical purposes.

ROSA: No.

ANALYST: Worth a shot.

Analyst leaves.

ROSA: Well, we know one thing, then. Whoever got this wasn’t just on drugs. They had this specially mixed for them for some weird gross reason.

BOYLE: (Grinning) Well at least, whoever they are, we know they do their laundry pretty well! No dirty criminals!

Rosa is not the least bit amused.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

Liz is walking back to the office, now at a regular pace, looking exhausted, having given up the search for Jenna. As she is walking down the hallway, she hears loud argument sounds. She is frozen on the spot upon hearing them. Her face suddenly looks terror stricken. She immediately suspects the worst and begins sprinting back to the office.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Office

Gina and Jenna have met and are arguing. Everyone else in the room is seated, focused on them as if it is a live soap opera taking place in front of them.

JENNA: Oh, please! You think YOU have what it takes to make it in the television industry? You’re not even blonde!

GINA: What do you think you are, Marilyn Monroe? The age of blondes is over, I am the beginning of a new revolution!

JENNA: (Gasps) Is that supposed to suggest that I’m old!

GINA: Well, your Wikipedia page is suspiciously lacking a date of birth!

JENNA: (Looking at the spectators, as though giving them an explanation) I was conceived in a bathroom! Don’t expect me to have access to a legal birth certificate!

GINA: And what else might you be hiding? The fact that you received hand reduction surgery!

Jenna gasps, utterly shocked and offended. Camera pans over to Donna, who is smiling widely whilst filming the events with her phone, thoroughly enjoying the events transpiring in front of her. Liz bursts into the room. She is terrified upon the revelation that her worst fears have been realised. She runs towards the two of them, trying to break them up. They completely ignore her.

LIZ: Alright ladies, let’s break this up!

GINA: I would call you a has-been, but have you ever even been there in the first place?

JENNA: Oh please! I’ll have you know, I’ve met people in Japan who believe I am literally a goddess… ever since that commercial I did!

Liz looks as though she may explode with stress. Suddenly, Tracy bursts into the room dramatically (now fully clothed).

TRACY: And let it be known to everyone that Jenna Maroney is a racist and is looking for a black man to be her slave! (Looking at Terry) Look out officer, you’re her next target!

Camera cuts to Terry, who looks confused, then to Tom, who looks betrayed. A large-scale argument breaks out between Jenna and the duo of Tracy and Gina, with Liz trying to break it up.

Camera pans back to Donna, who is still filming the events on her phone, by now standing to get a better angle. Holt, Ron and Jack then walk into the room. They all look shocked at what’s going on. Cut.

Chapter Text

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Office

The office is now yet again full of audience members only, devoid of any cops or cast/crew of the show. The only non-audience member present is Gina, who is now on her phone. Donna and Tom come and sit next to her.

DONNA: I just wanted to say, I posted everything that just happened on Twitter.

TOM: Girl, that was one of THE best things I’ve ever seen!

GINA: I’m really glad some people in this progressively more mediocre world appreciate true talent.

DONNA: Are you kidding? I would totally watch this show if you were in it!

GINA: Well, fasten your Tweetbelt, Twitter loving friend, for that is the future of television in America. And unlike Jenna Maroney, Gina Linetti does not enslave people.

Tom looks saddened upon the reminder.

TOM: I can’t believe she was just using me all along. I was only trying to get a TV chick to date as part of Tommy’s bucket list! A completely genuine, heartfelt goal!

GINA: I agree strongly. Life is harder for us. Maybe the world just needs more time to get used to the blinding awesomeness of people such as ourselves.

Camera zooms in on Tom, who now has a glint in his eye.

TOM: What’re you doing later?

Camera pans again to Gina, who looks impressed. Camera then pans to Donna, who smugly smiles at the camera. The camera then cuts to Leslie and Ann.

LESLIE: I guess it just isn’t gonna happen anymore. All the publicity Pawnee gets will now be forever limited to an ever-confusing Perd Hapley and an increasingly drunk Joan Callamezzo. God, the things I’ve heard her and Tom saying to each other.

ANN: Leslie, you don’t know that.

LESLIE: (Suddenly smiling) You know what, its okay. I might not have become the first Pawnee councilwoman to be nationally televised, but it was all still worth it. We got to come to New York City, and I don’t know about you, but I met some really cool cops, none of whom you have to give me practice dates for! AND I get to go out with one of them later and buy binders!

ANN: Me too! I could spend hours talking to officer Boyle about sperm.

Leslie looks confused, Ann sinks into her seat. Camera cuts over to Ben and Chris.

BEN: (Smiling) I may have just… gotten over my phobia of cops today.

CHRIS: As somebody who has… literally… gotten over fourteen phobias in my lifetime, I am very proud of you. And… I have decided to ask the Sergeant for fitness advice later.

Ben looks into the camera. Camera then cuts over to April, Andy and Ron.

RON: How much longer have we got to stay in this god-forsaken place?

ANDY: Well, I don’t know about you, but… Burt Macklin… had a very triumphant day solving yet another case.

RON: Son, the case hasn’t been solved yet. We’re all still here.

ANDY: Ah, but maybe that’s what Burt Macklin wants you to think.

Ron looks into camera.

APRIL: As boring and lame as all of this is, I think I made a lifelong friend.

Brief flashback shot of April and Rosa sitting in silence. April on her phone, Rosa writing on her notepad.

RON: (Smiling) So did I.

The camera then zooms out, showing that Jerry has been sitting near them the whole while.

JERRY: (Smiling) I did too-

APRIL: God, no one asked you, Jerry! Not everything is about you!

Jerry slumps back in his chair, looking dismayed.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Studio

All the precinct officers are standing by the crime scene, Captain Holt kneeling down to examine it. Scully and Hitchcock are sitting on the audience seats, not engaging with them. He then gets up and addresses his officers.

HOLT: (Expressionlessly) I am very disappointed that we have not achieved any results thus far. This is perhaps the most stagnant case our precinct has had in an incredibly long time.

JAKE: Well Captain, you certainly don’t look disappointed.

HOLT: (Still expressionless) Believe me, I am gradually dying inside.

Jake looks into the camera.

HOLT: A drug case normally sees a few leads or witness reports of suspicious behaviour within a few hours. Whoever this substance is in the possession of has done a remarkably good job at being nonchalant about it.

AMY: But sir, there has to be some way to figure out a lead! There’s bound to be somebody in this building who can tell us something!

HOLT: I appreciate the enthusiasm, Santiago. Alas, while that statement is possibly true, we haven’t the time or resources to question absolutely everybody in the building. And since we’re unlikely to see a sudden breakthrough within the day, this case will thus have to be handed over to another precinct and will forever be a cruel reminder of a miserable failure of ours.

SCULLY: Well, think about it this way, Captain… we haven’t had a successful case in years!

HITCHCOCK: In fact, we’ve barely had any cases! This is the life, eh Captain?

Captain Holt looks deeply saddened, as though he is destined to spend the rest of his life as the next Hitchcock/Scully.

*Interview Segment – AMY*

AMY: I’ve never seen Captain Holt so… pathetic! (She looks scandalised by what she has just said) I’m sorry! I didn’t mean that! But, for him to just give up and become like those dumb losers! I won’t stand for it!

*Interview Segment Ends*

AMY: We still haven’t questioned every witness, sir. Miss Maroney is still remaining.

JAKE: Who’s that again?

ROSA: The slave owner chick.

JAKE: Oh, her? Well yeah, unless you count Gina’s burns an interrogation.

BOYLE: (Perkily) Jake and I will handle this one! Considering her history of enslavement, Terry and the Captain should steer clear of her. And just to be on the safe side, let’s keep the two Latinas away from her to stop her from expanding her enslavement territory.

JAKE: That’s right, for once, this is a job for white men only!

Long, awkward silence. Everybody is staring at Jake.

JAKE: That’s not what I meant.

Scene – Jenna’s Dressing Room

Liz is currently walking in the hallway directly outside Jenna’s dressing room. She knocks on the door. No answer. She enters. As soon as she opens the door, she gasps, dumbfounded. The camera then goes to focus on Jenna, who is ingesting the infamous powdery substance. Jenna is stopped dead in her tracks. Liz hastily closes the door behind her.

LIZ: (Whisper yelled) Jenna! What are you doing?

JENNA: (Casually) Hello Liz, I’ve been prescribed this by Dr. Spaceman. I need it for a new commercial for a necklace I’m doing. When ingested it slowly burns neck fat, so I won’t have to worry about a neck muffin top when I film.

LIZ: Jenna! You can’t ask me to keep this quiet! We could all get arrested!

JENNA: Arrested? Oh Liz, you don’t get arrested for becoming more attractive! At least not in America!

Liz shakes her head, taken aback.

LIZ: Jenna, that is what the cops have been investigating after for the past few hours!

JENNA: This? That explains all the cops!

LIZ: You didn’t even know!?

JENNA: I was too invested in my character during the skit to pay attention to those insignificant details! I just assumed they were so into my performance that it scared them! It’s happened to me once before!

Flashback: Jenna is loudly and confidently delivering a monologue on stage whilst the audience members are running towards the emergency exits. She does not notice that there is a fire behind her on the stage. Back to present.

JENNA: (Excitedly) You know what… this solves everything!

LIZ: What do you mean!? Jenna… you could get arrested!

JENNA: Which could very well be my career’s saving grace! All celebrities have a publicity surge after they into legal trouble! Just look at Lindsay Lohan! This would make everyone forget about the whole black thing! And that ginger bitch could would no longer dare call me a has-been! Liz, you are a genius!

Jenna walks out of the room, the bag of the powder in her hands. Liz stares after her in disbelief.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

Jenna walks out into the hallway. Conveniently, Jake and Boyle are on their way to her. She confidently walks up to them and flashes the bag in their faces.

JENNA: (Proudly) I am the infamous drug addict you so desperately search for!

Both look very surprised.

JAKE: (Softly, to Boyle) Well, that was easier than I expected.

Chapter Text

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Studio

Jenna is now sitting at a table with Captain Holt.

HOLT: -and you have been taking this? For what reason?

JENNA: Oh, that’s of no importance Officer! I am a felon and I need to be arrested!

Holt looks confused. The camera now shifts focus to Rosa and Jake.

ROSA: There’s something off about this. Why would she suddenly come clean after all this time?

JAKE: Well I dunno, but she’s a slave owner… so…

He looks very amused at what he just said, smiling at Rosa as though expecting her to laugh, she does not. She simply glares at him until his smile fades and he looks back at Holt and Jenna. The camera cuts over to them again.

HOLT: Who were you… prescribed… this substance by?

JENNA: My doctor… Spa-Chem-In… spelled “S P A C E M A N”.

HOLT: I see. Miss Maroney… were you aware of the contents of the substance? Or the fact that it contains illegal drugs?

JENNA: Well, not till now. (Ecstatically) But who cares! I am a danger to society! I NEED to be arrested, Officer!

HOLT: I think not, Miss Maroney.

Jenna looks surprised and disappointed.

HOLT: You’ll be… relieved to know that a person who is given drugs without any knowledge of the fact that the substance they are being given is illegal is not to be arrested. No, the charges will all be going to this… doctor… of yours.

JENNA: (Agitated, standing up) What! No! Officer, respectfully, I demand you to handcuff me right now!

Holt looks taken aback. Camera cuts over to all the other precinct members, who react similarly.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Office

Holt and all the cops are standing at the entrance, making an announcement to everybody in the room. Jack is standing with the cops.

HOLT: The case has been solved and you are all dismissed. We thank you all for your patience and apologise for any inconveniences we caused.

Various people begin getting up to leave, relieved. The parks department is among them. However, they are interrupted by Jack.

JACK: And all those who were meant to be filming a segment today are being accommodated tomorrow. You will all be happy to know that TGS is not being filmed tomorrow and the cast will not be present, so no more drug scares.

Camera cuts over to Leslie, who looks overjoyed, her eyes wide and a large grin on her face.

*Interview Segment – LESLIE*

LESLIE: They say you can’t have everything… but I definitely got it all today. Binders, cool cops who don’t want to steal me away from my husband AND talking about parks on national TV!? The only way this day could get better was if Michelle Obama were here right now! (Gasps) Maybe if I close my eyes and wish hard enough… (She closes her eyes tightly and holds her breath, stopping abruptly after a few seconds) no.

*Interview Segment Ends*

The camera is now focused on April and Andy. Andy now looks a little disappointed.

APRIL: It’s okay babe.

ANDY: Aw, I just wish they’d taken longer to solve the case! I might never get to see a New York cop ever again!

APRIL: Well, you know babe, you could go talk to him before he goes away.

Andy looks at her for a moment, before smirking and putting his sunglasses back on. Cut. Andy approaches Jake, who has his back turned to him. Jake is startled by the sound of Andy’s voice, though he smiles upon realising its him.

ANDY: So! Peralta has managed to solve the case before Burt Macklin! I grant you this victory. But know this! I will triumph!

JAKE: In your dreams, Macklin! My policework will always be superior! And I WILL have your Janet Snakehole!

ANDY: Never! In your dreams, Peralta!

The two start playfighting. Cut. The camera is now on Terry. Chris approaches him.

CHRIS: Excuse me, Officer?

TERRY: Yes?

CHRIS: I firstly would like to say, brilliant job solving the case! I firmly believe that the police force is… literally… the backbone of human society. And… I firmly believe in the importance of positive reinforcement in getting individuals to continue their standard of work.

Terry looks confused yet flattered.

CHRIS: On another note, before you leave… I couldn’t help but notice your incredibly athletic physique. Could you please tell me what you do to remain in such amazing shape?

Terry smiles. Cut. The camera is now on April and Rosa.

APRIL: Bye. You’re cool, I guess.

ROSA: Thanks. You’re pretty cool too, I guess.

Both of them smile widely at one another. Another cut, the camera is now focused on Ron, Jack and Holt.

RON: (As if saying this is paining him) I have… enjoyed… our time together.

HOLT: The feeling is… mutual.

JACK: I feel… similarly, gentlemen.

They all stand around each other awkwardly. Cut. The camera is now on Leslie, Ben, Amy and Jake.

LESLIE: (To Amy) So tomorrow evening, Binder Emporium.

AMY: Definitely!

JAKE: (To Ben) I hope you’re not terrified of us anymore.

BEN: What? Nah! Not at all!

JAKE: (Seriously) Good, cause you’re under arrest.

BEN: (Suddenly terrified) What!? I didn’t do anything! Oh god! This is it… I’m gonna die in prison…!

JAKE: (Smiling) Just kidding!

LESLIE: (Taking Ben’s arm) I think he still has a little way to go.

Cut. The camera is now focused on Ann and Boyle.

BOYLE: I hope the artificial insemination goes well! And say hi to Leslie from me!

ANN: Thanks! Send my regards to Nikolaj! And Jake!

Cut. The camera is now on Jerry, Hitchcock, and Scully.

JERRY: Aw jeez! I’m gonna miss you guys!

SCULLY: We’ll think about you everyday, sitting at our office desks.

HITCHCOCK: Definitely not standing.

SCULLY: Oh god no!

HITCHCOCK: (Winking) And send my regards to your hot wife.

Jerry looks a little creeped out. Cut. The camera is now on Donna, Gina and Tom.

DONNA: Alright. I got your Twitter handle, so just hit me up whenever you feel like it. See you tomorrow girl! Have fun at your date!

Donna walks away, slyly looking back at Tom and Gina.

GINA: See you Donna! Don’t forget, wear something sexy so we can seduce the bartenders into giving us free drinks tomorrow!

TOM: (Smirking) Well, we’re alone now.

GINA: The two of us alone together is the single most concentrated form of magnificence on the planet.

TOM: It is. And just think about tonight, when we’ll both be dressed up sexy!

GINA: Oh god! The apocalypse may just occur today, and it’ll be our fault.

TOM: Well don’t you worry girl, cause Tommy’ll be there with a spaceship to fly you to the moon.

GINA: As long as its equipped with Wi-Fi so I can Tweet to all the poor souls perishing on Earth.

TOM: Obviously, a world without Wi-Fi should have never existed!

GINA: The sins of our fathers.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Studio

The studio is back to normal, all police have cleared out. Liz is now sitting in the studio, relatively relaxed now. Leslie comes and sits next to her.

LESLIE: Hey Liz! Feeling better now?

LIZ: Yeah, definitely. Except in a little while, Jenna will come to me complaining about her black man problem again.

LESLIE: Oh yeah, I heard about that. Somebody should tell her that slavery is wrong!

Liz doesn’t bother correcting her.

LESLIE: Well, Liz. Anytime you need advice, remember I’m always there over the phone! And you’re welcome to come binder shopping with Amy and I tomorrow!

LIZ: (Suddenly desperate) Yes! Please! Don’t leave me, Leslie!

Leslie looks a little freaked out by Liz’s sudden desperation.

LIZ: Sorry.

LESLIE: That’s… okay.

Liz hugs Leslie tightly. Leslie looks a bit confused at first but warms to it after a few seconds. Cut. Screen goes black.

Chapter Text

Scene – Leslie’s Council Office

Time skip. The parks department has returned home by now. Leslie is sitting at her desk. As she speaks, there is a montage of them filming their segment and interacting with the friends they made.

*Interview Segment – LESLIE*

LESLIE: So, we got to do our segment. In a weird way, I’m really glad there were drugs in the studio. With those drugs, I made great friends. Everybody did. Even Ron and April! And Jerry! JERRY made friends! God, some people have low standards. Tom decided to break things off with that woman he was seeing there, claiming that (confused) “their awesomeness would be too much for the world to handle”. Liz texts me around twenty times a day, mostly about Tracy and Jenna. Long story short, I can never watch TGS the same way ever again! But most importantly, I got 6 new binders!

She excitedly holds out a binder, a wide grin on her face. Cut. Screen goes black.

Scene – 30 Rockefeller Hallway

Kenneth is walking in the hall. Behind him, Gina approaches.

GINA: Hey! Guy with lame outfit!

KENNETH: (Turning around) Oh, hello again, ma’am! How may I help you today!

GINA: (Solemnly) I just wanted to let you know, unfortunately, I will not be starring in your show. I know this is a huge blow for you, but I’ve decided to save my talents for a studio with higher standards. It’s not you, it’s me. I know the whole studio was preparing for my debut, but it won’t be happening.

KENNETH: Oh, but ma’am, we had no plans to-

Gina presses a finger to his lips.

GINA: Shhhhh. I know.

Gina dramatically backs away and leaves. Kenneth looks confused. Then he shrugs, smiles and turns around, continuing walking. Cut. Screen goes black.

THE END