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High school students have the luxury to dream.
Summer vacations are prime subjects to this luxury, serving as freshly mounted canvases for students to paint. Nature swaps springtime pink blossoms for sunflowers; outdoor enthusiasts swap picnic mats for a bed of hot sand, and school uniforms are left hanging to soak humidity from the air.
There's something just as poetic about the bird chirping on the classroom windowsill. Shin can't figure why, but he stares at its tiny feathers, mind blank, as their teacher wraps up her lecture. The bird cocks its head side to side erratically and when the bell rings, signalling lunch break, it hops and takes flight, leaving everyone behind. Shin wonders where it's headed on this sweltering afternoon and hopes it finds some shade when its wings tire of carrying its weight. Wait. When do birds get tired? Isn't flight related to buoyancy…? Bernoulli's…? His eyes flit towards the curtain of silver hair sitting a few desks away. He shakes his head and groans on the inside, lowering his forehead to press it against the textbook splayed open on his desk.
Third-year high school students dream the most. They dream of going to the pool and splashing about like seven-year-olds. With their group of friends, a day at the beachside is the perfect way to escape the grasp of brutal entrance exam preparation. They want to ask the girl they like to accompany them to the library to study together. They want to hold hands with said girl on an orange-tinted evening. They, in all these cases, being Shinei Nouzen.
As an afterthought, he also dreams of eating his textbooks to memorise everything, but that's a tad unrealistic. Everything else is just as impossible, he mourns, at least for the first half of his last high school vacation. Shin never knew life could be so cruel.
//
"Vacations…" The noise erupting from his classmates steals his weak whisper.
"Summer school, huh?" Theo says, dragging his feet over to Shin's table. Kurena follows him with groggy footsteps, her eyes tearful and shoulders drooping, and her bento clutched in her hands.
"I passed all my exams," Shin answers, refusing to raise his head, "I don't have to go."
"Eh, lucky."
"It's so unfair!" Kurena cries. "We all passed together last term! How could you leave us behind, Shin!"
The mention of last term exams brings back troublesome memories. Most of the class had connived to cheat together—the papers were extremely difficult, after all—and they'd gotten away with it...until Lena found out and cornered him. She lives up to the image of a dutiful, hardworking student council president. Her scary expression and scolding from back then are lodged deep within his chest. She wants Shin to study and do as best as he can. His body warms at the memory of the concern in her voice. How can he not try his best to pass if it'll make her happy?
"...How did you both even fail this time?" He asks in return, closing his eyes to fight incoming drowsiness. Both Theo and Kurena look away with bitter expressions, which Shin doesn't see. Anju, who had been listening to their conversation, opens her mouth to speak.
"Let me take a guess. You prepared for the wrong subjects, didn't you?"
Shin looks up to find Kurena's head dips further than he thought was possible. Theo smiles wryly, sending Anju a thumbs up before turning a chair towards Shin's desk and flopping into it. He tears open his convenience store-bought sandwich and bites into it. Anju and Kurena join another table against Shin's and he quickly closes his books and clears up, making space for his friends. While the other usual suspects left the classroom to deal with club work immediately, Shin feels warmed by how naturally his friends gravitate together. Misplaced nostalgia and a dark, ugly feeling prick his stomach when he thinks, we won't be eating on the same table like this a year from now.
He smells a variety of dishes—spicy, sweet, the complex aroma of Anju's curry, the coldness of rice—but the telltale scent of violets cannot hide from him, given how intimately he's memorised it over the last couple of years.
"Where's your lunch, Shin?" A silver bell-like voice asks from right in front of him.
"I don't have any," he says.
Lena's face contorts, then charges through a volley of expressions—each more amusing than the last. The wish to see Lena's face drags him to school every morning. She settles on a surprised pout at the end of it and Shin can't help but smile. Theo borrows one of their absent classmate's chairs for her and she thanks him, sitting across from Shin and keeping her bento on the table between them. It feels exceedingly domestic. Shin's heart somersaults.
"Did you forget to bring it again?"
"No… We woke up too late to cook anything."
Understanding dawns on Lena's face as she opens her bento. Today marks the third day in a week that Shin hasn't brought lunch. His parents were visiting his grandfather, who lived abroad and had suddenly arranged for a massive family get together. 'No parents at home' translates to ordering from outside or relying on Rei for food, which is difficult given how overworked he looks all the time. Shin sighs. At home, four air tickets bearing the Nouzen children's names lie waiting on Rei's desk. Two days after the term ends, Shin will leave. While travelling with his brothers and sister doesn't seem bad, he wishes desperately that they're back in time for the summer festival. He wants to ask Lena to go with him again this year.
Lena hands Shin a small spoon, the kind that comes with modern lunch boxes and takes the matching chopsticks for herself. She pushes her bento closer to him and smiles, wordlessly asking him to eat.
"Do you want some onigiri, Shin? I brought too much today," Kurena says at the same time as Anju spoons some rice mixed with curry into a corner of Lena's bento for him to eat.
Theo, too, breaks off one corner of his sandwich and offers it. He doesn't refuse—he knows they'll blast him across the country if he does—and takes it in his free hand with a thank you. He wants to eat with them again. Just like this after they graduate. Even if it means going the extra mile.
The others ease into chatter, mostly about their plans for the next few weeks, and Shin bites into the sandwich.
"What are you doing about dinner? Is Rei-san going to cook?" Lena asks.
"We eat at Frederica's. Kiriya's been experimenting in the kitchen."
He doesn't tell her it's usually the four of them staring at globs of near-inedible dishes. Kiriya is a fine cook when he's not worried about Frederica hurting herself in the kitchen. Rei...is as good as a skeleton these days, worked to the bone and on the verge of tears all the time. Shin's latent talents with the knife have come alive, however, and he wonders if he can tell Lena about how useful he can be. Will she invite him over to cook with her if he does…?
"Should I…" Lena's voice dips below a whisper, meant just for him—Shin's heart skips a beat—, "Is it okay if I bring an extra bento for you tomorrow?"
He nods. Lena's smile resembles a flower blooming at the height of spring.
Warmth tides over him.
//
Lena peers at her mother from behind the kitchen doorframe. A delicious scent floats all the way down the hallways. It makes her mouth water. Her mother is a wonderful cook and Lena enjoys eating everything she makes. Whatever she puts on the table is a culmination of her love and efforts, an important thread that knots the Milizé family together. Lena rubs the toe of her slippers against the wooden grain, unsure how to approach her.
"Lena, is everything all right, dear?"
She startles and comes out of hiding, batting a hand and saying, "Mom! Yes, yes, everything is okay."
"If you came to ask about dinner, it's not ready yet. But I'll be done soon. Help me get the table ready, won't you?"
As Margareta lowers the flame on the stove and spoons out the dishes one by one to taste, Lena makes quick work of setting the tableware. She'd easily asked Shin if he'd like to eat a bento she brings—she's certain her mother won't refuse—but Lena knows how Anju cooks most of her lunch herself and how Kurena sometimes helps season the food she brings. Raiden, too, often ends up bringing dishes he made to help his mother and Shin eats each one of those with a tender smile on his face. Perhaps it's just his affinity for delicious food. Still, Lena also wants to try her best. She wants the overflowing affection in her chest to be part of the food she shares with Shin.
"Can I help with the bento in the morning?"
"Bento? Of course, I'd be happy to have extra hands, but why so sudden? If you're going to study till late and also wake up early to help me cook, you will feel tired later. I'm already worried you're not sleeping enough, Lena," Margareta says, wiping the counter with a cloth. "Hmm...Let me guess, this is about your boyfriend, isn't it?"
"Mom!" Lena's face warms at the teasing lilt of her mother's voice. She nibbles at her upper lip, trying to suppress a wobbly, embarrassed smile and failing. "Not really… Shin hasn't been bringing lunch these days and tomorrow is the last day of term, so I thought…"
"What a lucky boy, he's got my Lena so flustered." Margareta laughs. "If you really want to help, can you help me wash the ingredients before you go to study tonight?"
Lena brightens at the suggestion.
"You leave the morning prep to me and focus on relaxing tomorrow. If you don't sleep enough, Lena, Shin-kun will worry too. Exams are important, and entrance exams more so, but if you work yourself too thin, what use will all of my and your father's hard work be? I'd rather have a child who knows how to care for herself than a child who knows how to make a rocket."
Those words simultaneously strike home the worries of her future and dispel the tension gripping her. A third-year student must be serious. However, an uptight person like herself indeed forgets what breathing fresh air is like if left to their own devices. With the uncertainty of a long, long future ahead of her, Lena doesn't have it in her to refute her mother's words. She also can't allow herself to sway with the joys of summer and forget her duties. She's grown up in a house where it's easy for her mother to tell her to relax. Everyone doesn't have the same luxury. Lena is grateful for it—it's the healthy way to live, after all—but she doesn't want to make light of the responsibilities she shoulders.
"Mom, thank you," she mumbles.
Margareta, as perceptive as ever, catches onto the tumultuous storm brewing within Lena and changes the subject.
"You know, Shin-kun sounds just the type of child I'd like to have."
"...!"
"I'm just kidding. By the way, your father is going out with his colleagues tomorrow night. Do you want to invite Shin-kun over? For dinner? And he has a brother, doesn't he? He's welcome to come over too. I'll buy lots of groceries."
//
One day before summer starts in full swing, the hallways are abuzz early in the morning. Wishing a good morning to her friends scattered throughout the staircase as she heads to the classroom, Lena sports a dazzling smile. It's officially the last day before her final school summer vacation. She already has plans to study as much as possible—and enjoy, too, to try and balance out the stress—but somehow, the knowledge that she's carrying two bentos with her energises the anticipation fluttering in her stomach. They're nowhere near the peak of summer. Yet Lena's cheeks prickle with warmth.
"Milizé-senpai!" A second-year student from the student council catches up to her, bag swinging behind her and out of breath, "Are you free during lunch today?"
*
Shin stares at the snugly wrapped bento on his desk. He ignores the cooing and teasing in favour of looking for the person who left it here.
"Where's Lena?"
Raiden raises his eyebrows as if questioning whether Shin truly doesn't know her whereabouts. "Lena? Student council work. We should eat quickly—it looks like the principal's giving a speech after this."
"Huh."
"To think they'd call her in to help when it's our last day before summer…" Anju says, sighing exaggeratedly. "Do you miss her, Shin-kun?"
Shin turns his head away, listless, and pulls his bento close. With an unnoticeable pout on his face, the chair across him—with Theo munching down another assorted sandwich—feels wrong. He doesn't want to look at blond hair and listen to his boisterous laugh. The person in that chair is not the person he wants there. He considers kicking Theo's shin from beneath the table but refrains. Lena would scold him for doing that. Besides, it's not Theo's fault Lena is away at the student council, it's the school's. Maybe if they were more efficient, they wouldn't need a young girl to help with whatever it is that the student council does. He feels childish for thinking this way but his thoughts never make sense when it comes to Lena.
...Shin isn't going to eat with Lena for a long time. His mood sours further when he imagines her smile. Did she look forward to eating with him too? Of course, she did. Probably everyone did. They aren't even talking loudly today, just mumbling plans and deciding what to do with their homework.
Are things going to be like this if he doesn't go to the same university Lena does…?
When he opens the bento, he bites back another saddened pout. Has Lena eaten? There's no way she had the time to eat something when she vanished from the classroom as soon as the bell rang. He almost whips out his phone to text her. She must be busy if she's off doing important stuff. Shin picks up a bright Tamagoyaki roll and chomps on it instead to keep from saying anything unnecessary accidentally.
Should he eat it all by himself? Or not?
//
Warm orange envelopes the city. Birds chirp as they fly back home for the evening, leaving Shin alone at the entrance of his classroom long after classes are over. The others took their sweet time leaving, wishing each other a happy vacation and promising to meet up whenever possible—which should be a given with how close everyone lives. Shin wouldn't admit it aloud but despite his isolationist tendencies, the idea of going a couple of months without seeing any of them unsettles him. This is his first moment of freedom this month, still weeks away from homework deadlines, bathing in the relief of vacation and he wants to spend as much of it as he can with Lena.
Lena—whose arms are sprawled over her desk with her hair falling all over her shoulders haphazardly and her sleeping face looking away from Shin.
The plastic, convenience store bag in Shin’s hands rustles noisily as he walks into the classroom and draws a chair to her desk. Seemingly, the students on clean-up duty were milking their last moments out of club activities. He can’t fault them, not when he wished desperately all week for the Kendo club to meet frequently. No one had thought to come back and check the classroom in the half-hour Shin spent walking to the convenience store, buying bread, and waiting for Lena at the main gates before realising she might still be here.
He keeps the bag aside and carefully, making sure not to keep his elbows on any hair, leans on the desk with his palms on his cheeks.
Cute. Even her sleeping expressions are cute. Her eyelashes fan against her round cheeks, giving her a silent glow, like that of a solitary flower on the pavement, flourishing in the moonlight.
Her hair, always shining and smooth, turns a subtle orange like the sky. Overcome by an inexplicable urge, Shin gathers a strand in his hand and slowly runs his fingers along with a feather-light touch. He twirls the end of the strand between his fingers, staring at the long hair absently. He gathers them once again. This time, with both hands, he parts it into two and stops there, unsure what to do further. He has seen Kiriya comb Frederica's hair but she never plaits it. He's tried asking Kiriya before but the thought of his smug, teasing expression put him off before the question could leave his mouth. He continues to comb through the hair. He has always wanted to do this and today, for once, luck is on his side.
Lena looks younger like this, like all the stress the beginning of this academic year piled on her has vanished. For some reason, even though Shin is a third-year student too, he doubts the heaviness in his chest is different from hers. He's the kind of person to do things as easily, as fast as possible. He doesn't understand the weight of Lena's self-imposed expectations. Although, he does know of their existence. And so, for a moment longer, on this pleasant evening when the sun refuses to cross the horizon, Shin smiles gently. He won't wake Lena up until it's a little too late for them to be here.
He has a lot of time on his hands—and silky argent hair—and a phone with an internet connection.
//
Lena wakes up to the shrill bell that signifies the end of the school day and a finger poking her cheek.
"—to wake up. Lena, come on. We have to go home."
Ah, she fell asleep. Admonishing herself mentally while still groggy and overcome by the aftereffects of an immersive dream, she sniffles, then groans at the return of the persistent ache in her neck. Her sleeping posture will hurt her one of these days. What was she dreaming about… The sea? Sand? She hasn't been to a beach in years, whatever was she doing in her dream? Trying to remember is futile. It only strains her already tired mind. When the poking continues, she blinks her eyes open slowly. The classroom comes into focus, then the windows, washed with fading pinks and lilac, and then—crimson eyes.
Lena shoots up from her chair. She flails her arms, unthinking and flustered.
"Shin—?!"
"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"
"I—I did," she says, gathering herself and patting her cheeks lightly, "When did you come back? Didn't you return home?"
*
"I went to the convenience store." He pushes the bag towards her. "Here—melon bread." I was worried you didn't get to eat today. It sits on his tongue, wet yet dry, rolling into a ball where he tries to swallow it. He's overheating. Forgoing explanation, what he says instead is: "For you."
Shin swallows back the nervousness.
Lena brought him a bento today. A full meal, homemade, filled with affection and care. It was a pleasure to eat and if he didn't worry about burdening her mother and their household finances, he would have asked if it was possible to receive one every day. The energy running in his veins is different. It's made of Lena's kindness. The least he could do was buy something she likes to eat.
He's well aware it's against school rules but there are no rules to govern after-school activities.
He hopes he's smiling wide enough at her, that it reaches her and gives her even half the warmth her smiles give him. Lena's face colours a lovely shade of pink, reaching the tips of her ears. He often thinks of her as a flower meant to bring colour to the lives of all who know her. All flowers pale in front of her. Lena isn't a flower. She's far beyond them, almost ethereal. Shin's fingers twitch. He holds back the urge to cradle her face. He could kiss Lena right now, right here, and there would be no rules against it.
*
Oh.
Lena's chest fills with sparkles, each one bigger than the last, shining brighter and brighter until they merge into a sweet light and leave, taking all stress with it. She sits down again, neatening the pleats of her skirt, and pries open the bag to pull the melon bread out. The pineapple-patterned, golden surface greets her like a much-awaited peace sign.
"Did you eat the bento?" she asks.
"I did. Thank you, it was delicious, I ate all of it."
Lena didn't know happiness could be this huge and intense. If she twirls on the rooftop, maybe the wind will carry her with it, like a tiny bird headed to a land of wonders. She didn't even cook anything herself. Shin probably knows. The serene expression on his face, the twinkle in his red eyes, both reduce Lena to mush. She rips open the packet and takes a bite. Sweet. Soft yet firm. The familiarity of it makes the taste tenfold delicious.
The bread Shin bought for her—because he cares and he notices.
If you don't sleep enough, Lena, Shin-kun will worry too.
Her mother was right.
He sits stoically, nose buried in a pocket-sized novel, waiting for Lena to finish eating when he's supposed to be packing at home. As she chews, she follows the movement of his eyes as they flit across the page. If he noticed she hadn't eaten on a day as busy and noisy as today, he must have noticed the sleeplessness running her ragged. Shin knows better than anyone else how often Lena loses track of time while studying at night when she forgets if it's been five minutes or fifty since she was supposed to text him back. He didn't wake her up when he found her. He kept her company, like a sweet guardian angel, sweeter than the sugar-coated bread in her mouth.
I love him, I love him so much.
//
Walking down the street, with her hand snug and ablaze with sparks within Shin's, Lena realises she forgot to ask him the most important thing she had to ask today.
"I completely forgot but my mother invited you and Rei-san for dinner if you're okay with it."
"Your mother? Was it because of the bento?"
Lena nods, avoiding his eyes and staring resolutely at the asphalt. It's so embarrassing to think she forgot something like this. Shin's grip loosens and her heart sinks—before he spreads her fingers and fills in the gaps with his own. Lena sucks in a breath and looks at him from the corner of her eyes. He is staring at the road too, the apples of his cheeks as flushed as they ever get.
"...Will your father be there?"
Lena stops walking and Shin stops with her.
"He's going to be late but mom will be there. Would you… Would you like to meet her? You've met her before, haven't you?" It was in passing and they barely had the time to sit down and talk.
"Are you sure?"
Is she? She should be, right?
She turns, her fingers tightening around Shin's and the strap of her school bag when she's caught speechless. Under the light of sunset and in the gentle breeze, Shin glistens as if he were a jewel. His dark bangs sway and the light catches in his eyes. Lena's heartbeat picks up. She is young. She knows most high school romances don't last. Someday very soon, university and work might steal Shin away from her. It crushes her to think of it, so she usually doesn't, but her affection for him has only grown continuously, at the speed of light without stopping.
Lena doesn't know where she's headed. The future is more than a mystery—no one knows what will happen.
But she knows that for as long as she's allowed, she wants to keep holding Shin's hand. Just like this.
"If you're comfortable, then you're welcome to come over anytime."
Yes. She's confident. Lena speaks with a firm resolve and Shin's expression changes, however minutely, to one of surprise and adoration. If they can't stand next to each other the way they have so far, then they simply need to find new ways. They might be young but young love is special because it is young. If it's Shin, no step feels scary. If she falls off the staircase, he'll catch her. Always. No matter what.
"I'd...really like that," he answers in a timid voice.
"You should call Rei-san, then, before he starts worrying about you."
He grimaces then.
"Should I really call him? If he comes over, he will rub it into Kiriya and Frederica's faces. Then they'll make noise."
"Invite them too. Mom bought too many groceries."
"Huh?!"
Lena laughs at his incredulous expression. The ticklish feeling in her chest won't subside for days. For the first time since they started walking home together, Lena doesn't worry about slowing down to spend more time with him. This boyish Shin, the one that flusters and is endearingly honest. Lena loves this part of him too. She tugs at his hand as she walks forward, closer to home, taking him along to the same destination today.