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There wasn’t much rush on a Friday night like this one, Baekhyun looking through the closet to choose an outfit for dinner at Kyungsoo’s parents’ place. They liked to go down at least once every few weeks. Kyungsoo always craved his mother’s cooking, and Baekhyun loved going down to meet his family. Although Kyungsoo’s brother wasn’t there often (he had a family of his own, after all, and a newborn baby to take care of,) it still felt full in a house as warm as the one that Kyungsoo grew up in. Baekhyun couldn’t wait.
Kyungsoo was already ready in the living room, probably cleaning up before they left. Baekhyun was the only one still in the bedroom changing.
Grabbing a simple t-shirt and sweatpants, Baekhyun started putting them on when his reflection through the mirror stopped him. He didn’t like thinking about it. But it was hard to ignore the changes in his body, the places where he’d begun to gain weight and the chubbiness where there used to be curves. Even his face looked like back when he was younger, cheeks full, a lack of sharpness to his jaw. Ignore it. But he lingered on his reflection, fingers coming up to trace the edge of his face.
A knock on the door jolted him out of focus. Kyungsoo had a habit of knocking even though they shared the room; Baekhyun usually teased him about it, but this time he was glad he did. He dropped his hand and picked up his pants. “Come in.”
“You’re not ready yet?” Kyungsoo stepped in, raising an eyebrow at the lack of lights in the room. There was Baekhyun’s habit: changing with the lights off. Kyungsoo flicked them on. “We’re going to be late if you take forever.”
“It’s not forever,” Baekhyun said, pouting. After he got his shirt on, he glanced at the mirror again. Good. His clothes were just baggy enough that he could stand to look at himself for longer than a second. A bitterness curled in his stomach but he ignored it in favor of beaming at Kyungsoo, throwing his arms around him in a hug. Yelping, Kyungsoo stumbled a bit but caught his balance, getting over the initial shock for a second before hugging him back.
Mmm. This was what he needed. Closing his eyes, Baekhyun breathed out and relaxed in his embrace. Kyungsoo was the best hugger. Baekhyun fit so well in his arms; even though he was taller than him he could lean against him and rely on his warmth. He could stay here forever, safe and with the reminder that he was loved, but of course Kyungsoo questioned it when the hug went on for too long, though he didn’t let go.
“One more minute,” Baekhyun mumbled into his shoulder. Kyungsoo rubbed his back wordlessly.
When Baekhyun finally pulled away, Kyungsoo held onto his side. With his hands resting on his hips, keeping him in place, Kyungsoo examined him. “Something’s wrong.”
“No.”
“No?” Letting out a doubtful hmm, Kyungsoo searched him once more before letting it go. “Ready to leave?”
“Yeah.” Baekhyun smiled in response to Kyungsoo’s final suspicious stare, but the corners of his lips dropped when he turned around. He wanted to hug him more. It wasn’t enough. But Kyungsoo was right; they would be late if he delayed any longer. Taking a deep breath, Baekhyun hurried after him and shut the lights again, returning to his 24/7 duty of annoying him as they went outside and to the car.
Most times between the two of them, Kyungsoo was the one who drove them down. Something about wanting Baekhyun to relax on the long drive, since Friday nights were the nights he tended to come home late from work. This time was no exception. Without discussion the two of them went to their respective seats, Baekhyun turning on the radio while Kyungsoo started the car. He felt better singing obnoxiously loud, rolling down the windows to feel the rush of fresh air, laughing when Kyungsoo complained about it and they fought over whether to keep it open or not. By the time they arrived at Kyungsoo’s parents’ place, Baekhyun had forgotten his worries.
“Quick kiss?” Baekhyun requested before Kyungsoo could get out of the car. Smiling a little, Kyungsoo leaned in to peck him on the lips. It was their ritual every time they went there. A secret gesture between the two of them, before they had to act civil, whatever that meant when Baekhyun was always intent on being a ball of energy. The instant they went inside he looked in the kitchen for Kyungsoo’s mom, surprising her with a hug while Kyungsoo talked to his dad. Clinging to her side, Baekhyun leaned his head against hers while she cooked.
“Is Kyungsoo treating you well?” she asked, jokingly disapproving. “That boy… I told him to feed you but you’re still so skinny.”
“I’m not skinny,” Baekhyun protested. The reminder of his appearance made it hard to keep smiling. “Look, mom, I have so much fat on my arms.”
“What? Is there even skin there? Kyungsoo!”
“Yeah, mom?” Kyungsoo appeared at the doorway, taking in the sight of his fiance attached to his mother, mostly hindering her while she tried to put food on the plate. “Baekhyun, let go of her, you’re crushing her.”
“I’m not that tiny,” she quipped, patting Baekhyun’s arm as if to say, It’s okay, keep hugging me. “Didn’t I tell you to feed Baekhyun more? He’s getting skinnier and skinnier.”
“I am feeding him.”
“Not enough. Look at him, how can you say you’re feeding him?” She tsked, shaking her head. To Baekhyun, she said, “Don’t worry. I’ll feed you a bunch. Both of you go set the table; dinner is ready.”
“Okay,” the two of them said in unison. After setting the table, Kyungsoo called his dad and the four of them ate together, catching up to make up for the weeks that they weren’t able to visit. Coming here was always the best. Baekhyun loved Kyungsoo’s parents, but most of all he loved how happy Kyungsoo looked whenever they visited. He knew how much Kyungsoo missed his mothers’ food by how much he complimented it, happily enjoying the meal.
“You’re done already?” Kyungsoo’s dad looked at him, concerned. “You barely ate.”
Baekhyun startled. He didn’t think he’d get caught. He laughed a little. “Yeah, I’m not too hungry. The food is really good, though! I’m sorry I don’t eat a lot.”
“Eat more,” Kyungsoo’s mom said in that motherly way of hers, pushing more food to him. Baekhyun shook his head.
“No, I’m fine…”
“Eat,” she said shortly. At his hesitation, Kyungsoo looked at him, then at his mother.
“Mom…”
“You can eat nothing if you aren’t here,” she said, looking away. “But when you’re in my house, no one is allowed to starve.”
Baekhyun swallowed. He looked at the food that she’d put on his plate, a sharp warmth behind his eyes. He nodded at the sudden, deafening silence, and said, “Okay.”
Kyungsoo was still looking at him. He took his hand as if to soothe him, but Baekhyun didn’t look back and instead ate.
Once they finished eating, the two of them helped clean up. Kyungsoo said goodbye to his parents and went out to the car, but before Baekhyun could follow, Kyungsoo’s mother stopped him.
“Come back next weekend,” she said. Unlike earlier, her voice was kind rather than angry. She laid her palm against his cheek and told him, “I know what you’re thinking. Kyungsoo was the same way. But I told him I want him to be healthy. You, too. I want you to be healthy.” She smiled, wiping away a tear that Baekhyun hadn’t even noticed was falling. “You’re my son, too. I’ll be sad if you treat yourself this way. So be good to yourself. And trust Kyungsoo.”
“Okay,” Baekhyun whispered.
She lowered her hand and looked over his shoulder. Kyungsoo opened the door. “Baekhyun?”
“Yeah, I’m coming,” he said, wiping his eyes quickly. When he turned around, Kyungsoo looked worried. “Let’s go.”
“Bye, mom,” Kyungsoo said. He gave her a hug and followed Baekhyun out. As if sensing that he didn’t want to talk, he didn’t ask what they were talking about and instead opened the door for him, wordlessly getting into the car.
They stayed in silence on the ride home. Baekhyun leaned his head against the door, trying to fall asleep, but he was wide awake even by the time they got home.
It was in the bedroom, both of them changing, that Kyungsoo finally asked. “What did you talk to my mom about?”
“Ah. She just wanted us to come down next week.”
“Okay.”
He felt like a liar. Baekhyun shuffled a bit in place, taking off his shirt. “She also said to stay healthy.”
“Okay.”
“And she told me that she…” Baekhyun trailed off when Kyungsoo’s arms came around him from behind. He realized he was standing in front of the mirror again, and through the reflection he could see the tears in his eyes. Kyungsoo kissed his cheek, looking at him through the mirror.
“What is it?” Kyungsoo asked softly.
“She said to take care of myself,” Baekhyun said. His expression was breaking. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I ruined dinner. Because I wouldn’t eat.”
“Were you still hungry?”
Baekhyun shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Baekhyun… I was worried about this before, but… are you upset with how you look?”
Baekhyun chewed his lip. He averted his gaze, looking down. “I don’t know.”
“My mom is good at knowing those things,” Kyungsoo said. “You didn’t ruin dinner at all. She’s just worried about you. She was happy that you ate her food. And my parents love it when you eat dinner with us.”
“It’s hard,” Baekhyun confessed, feeling his eyes water. “I don’t want to eat. But I don’t want to disappoint her.”
“Why don’t you want to eat?”
“I just… I’m fat,” he said. It came out like a whisper, embarrassed but the closest to the truth that he could get. “I hate how I look sometimes. I can feel it, Kyungsoo. It’s not in my head, I know I look terrible, I know I gained weight and—”
“Baekhyun, you’re beautiful.”
He stopped. His breath seemed to escape his lungs with Kyungsoo’s words. Still, he shook his head.
“I’m not lying to you. Would I lie to you?” Kyungsoo lifted his head with a hand, guiding him to look at himself in the mirror. “You’re beautiful. When you smile, your face lights up in the prettiest way.” He pressed his lips to his skin, gentle. “I love how round your cheeks get when you’re happy. I love your shoulders, and your arms. I love your stomach,” he put his hands there, slid them to his waist. “I love your thighs and your legs. I love every part of you. You’re beautiful. So don’t say that you look terrible.”
“I wasn’t like this before,” Baekhyun said hopelessly. “Before we started dating, I…”
“You were so unhealthy back then,” Kyungsoo interrupted bluntly. “You never ate. You were always working out on an empty stomach. That isn’t good for you. I like that you’re taking better care of yourself now. But I’m sorry I didn’t notice that you were still struggling. I should have been paying more attention.”
“Don’t you think… don’t you think I look uglier now? Because you started liking me before. Before I became like this.”
“You didn’t become anything but healthier, Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo met his eyes through the mirror, encouraging him to keep his head up. “I didn’t fall in love with you because of how you looked. I fell in love with you because of who you are. So then and now don’t matter. But you’re beautiful no matter what, is what I’m saying, and I’d rather you be beautiful and healthy than beautiful and sick.” He let the words settle in for a moment before turning him around, hugging him properly this time.
“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun said again.
“Don’t apologize,” Kyungsoo said. “I love you.”
And this was what his mom had meant, then. To trust Kyungsoo, because this insecurity was his secret from the beginning but Kyungsoo loved him in spite of it. He would love him in spite of anything.
Baekhyun laughed a wet laugh and buried his face into his shoulder. “You and your mom are so alike.”
“Are we?”
“Yeah.” Baekhyun closed his eyes, breathed out. “You make me feel safe.”
They fell into silence and Kyungsoo held him until his tears dried.